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Can Becoming Less Attached Reduce Your Suffering and Anxiety? · Do You F*cking Mind?

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Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beings, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
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Speaker 1: So my name's Alexis Fernandez. This is Do You Fucking Mind?
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Speaker 1: This is the podcast where I help you change your
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Speaker 1: relationship with yourself and your brain. Now, before we get
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Speaker 1: into it, I do have a little life update. If
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Speaker 1: you're watching the video version of this, either on social
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0:31
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0:35
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Speaker 1: It's not this. So just bear with me. We are
0:45
Speaker 1: slowly getting there. We are getting there. Also, if you
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Speaker 1: haven't yet already, please go check out my Substack. It's notesonthemind.substack.com.
0:56
Speaker 1: And there I have all sorts of things I do.
0:58
Speaker 1: Sometimes I do like a Substack version of the podcast episode.
1:02
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'll give you like a really good listicle of
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Speaker 1: how to change your life in 30 days. Sometimes I will, well,
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Speaker 1: every Sunday I do like a series called Smarter, Hotter, Sharper,
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Speaker 1: which is like getting the smartest, hottest, sharpest brain possible.
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Speaker 1: And this is where I give you like word of
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Speaker 1: the week, hot tip of the week, lesson of the week,
1:19
Speaker 1: learning of the week, quote to live by this week.
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Speaker 1: It's like a whole thing every single Sunday to help
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Speaker 1: you kind of like wash away the Sunday scaries and
1:27
Speaker 1: get really excited about the week that's to come. Anyway, now,
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Speaker 1: other than that, I think I'm just going to dive
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Speaker 1: straight into the episode because there's a lot to get through. Now,
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Speaker 1: I haven't figured out the title yet, but we're talking
1:40
Speaker 1: about can becoming less attached to to the outcome, to
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Speaker 1: a relationship, to people, to physical objects, to a place
1:48
Speaker 1: that we're living in, make us suffer less. So there
1:52
Speaker 1: are some people who really struggle with change, and they
1:57
Speaker 1: struggle so much with change that they end up living
2:01
Speaker 1: smaller and smaller and smaller. Because the more you struggle
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Speaker 1: with change, the more that represents fear. And the more
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Speaker 1: fearful you are, the more you're telling yourself, I can't
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Speaker 1: handle this, or I'm not going to be able to
2:13
Speaker 1: handle this. I'm not going to be able to handle
2:15
Speaker 1: it if my lease runs out and I have to move.
2:17
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to fathom if my
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Speaker 1: partner left me, what would I do? What would happen
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Speaker 1: if I got made redundant? What would happen if I
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Speaker 1: couldn't have that thing or if I no longer had
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Speaker 1: this thing? So instead of living in this mentality of
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Speaker 1: knowing that life is always in this constant state of change,
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Speaker 1: you start thinking, I can't have anything change. So you
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Speaker 1: spend all your time and energy controlling everything around you.
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Speaker 1: You're controlling your partner. making sure that they don't leave
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Speaker 1: you or they stay the same. You're controlling this situation.
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Speaker 1: You're fearful about this. You're fearful about that. And then
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Speaker 1: you kind of are living smaller and smaller and smaller
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Speaker 1: because you're scared to take a risk or do something
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Speaker 1: outrageous or be spontaneous or just let go of the
3:00
Speaker 1: reins and let something take its course. And then you
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Speaker 1: suffer so much. So I'm going to talk about how
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Speaker 1: it is that you can actually become less attached and
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Speaker 1: how it doesn't have anything to do with caring less.
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Speaker 1: So it's not, you need to have your walls up
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Speaker 1: and love someone less. It's actually the opposite. So you
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Speaker 1: can feel as deeply as you want to feel. You
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Speaker 1: can care as much as you want to care, if
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Speaker 1: not more, but have this sense of detachment in a
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Speaker 1: way that you don't feel the need to always be
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Speaker 1: controlling things. This makes you way less anxious. It makes
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Speaker 1: you a whole lot calmer. And I'm going to quote
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Speaker 1: some studies here as well. There's actually a link between
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Speaker 1: this secure style of attachment, not just with relationships, but
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Speaker 1: also with objects and with all kinds of things, to
3:45
Speaker 1: lower levels of anxiety, mood disorders, and depression in general, okay?
3:49
Speaker 1: So it's really, really interesting, okay? So by the end
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Speaker 1: of this episode, we're gonna understand why certain forms of
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Speaker 1: attachment do cause suffering. We're gonna understand the difference between
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Speaker 1: attachment and then investing in something and loving someone and
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Speaker 1: secure attachment and insecure attachment. I am giving you a
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Speaker 1: refresher on attachment theory just very, very quickly. I know
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Speaker 1: I've done episodes on attachment theory because this kind of
4:13
Speaker 1: attachment theory does play into all kinds of attachment in
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Speaker 1: your life. And then I'm going to talk about why
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Speaker 1: that does extend onto like objects, places, careers, identities, and
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Speaker 1: things like that. We are going to talk about how
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Speaker 1: to care extremely deeply and show that you care without
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Speaker 1: being so attached that it causes like psychological distress. how
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Speaker 1: to move towards a less painful style of attachment. So
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Speaker 1: how to go from either disorganized or insecure attachment to
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Speaker 1: a more secure, healthier form of attachment. And I'm going
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Speaker 1: to talk about some studies as well. So let's begin
4:53
Speaker 1: by what I mean when I say less attached. Okay.
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Speaker 1: So it's got nothing to do with caring less, loving less,
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Speaker 1: protecting yourself, quote unquote, in the sense of putting your
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Speaker 1: walls up and becoming defensive or becoming hyper independent, which
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Speaker 1: is something that is kind of a knee jerk reaction
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Speaker 1: to when you are hurt or when you've relied on
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Speaker 1: someone and it's backfired or when you've allowed someone to
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Speaker 1: do something for you and then they've thrown it in
5:20
Speaker 1: your face. So your reaction to that is, you know,
5:23
Speaker 1: if you want anything done, you've got to do it yourself.
5:26
Speaker 1: You know, I'm just, I've got, you know, every man
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Speaker 1: out there for themselves, everyone's fucked, you know, you've got
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Speaker 1: to like, that kind of mentality where you become hyper-independent
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Speaker 1: and you refuse to accept help from other people, avoiding commitment.
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Speaker 1: It's not that, okay? So attachment is important, but it's
5:42
Speaker 1: what kind of attachment and how attached we are and
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Speaker 1: where is it where it becomes to our detriment versus
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Speaker 1: when it's actually helpful and healthy for us. So how
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Speaker 1: do we care deeply without clinging so tight that any
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Speaker 1: kind of change or rejection or loss destroys your sense
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Speaker 1: of self. How do you remain stable in who you
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Speaker 1: are as an individual among the change that's occurring around
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Speaker 1: you with that healthy sense of attachment? And when something
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Speaker 1: leaves your life, you can accept it. It's not that
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Speaker 1: it doesn't hurt you, but you can accept it as
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Speaker 1: part of your life instead of crumbling and then fearing
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Speaker 1: every other form of loss in your life moving forward.
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Speaker 1: So what are we actually trying to detach from? So
6:27
Speaker 1: we're in I will show you in this episode, we're
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Speaker 1: going to learn to loosen our attachment to the things
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Speaker 1: that we can't control the outcome to. So that's many,
6:36
Speaker 1: many things. The expectation that something should stay the same.
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Speaker 1: You know, when you get angry at your partner after
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Speaker 1: four years, you've changed, you've changed. You know, you expect
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Speaker 1: this one person in the relationship to never change, even
6:49
Speaker 1: though you yourself know that you've had many evolutions in
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Speaker 1: your own lifetime and it's human to change. The fear
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Speaker 1: of losing something. The belief that something outside of us
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Speaker 1: is so fundamental to who we are as an individual
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Speaker 1: that we can't survive without it. The need for ownership
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Speaker 1: and control. And also learning how to become less attached
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Speaker 1: to smaller things within our life that cause us a
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Speaker 1: lot of pain, like a mean remark, a nasty comment, rejection,
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Speaker 1: criticism or feedback, unsolicited opinions. things that hurt you, but
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Speaker 1: ultimately serve you no purpose in your life. That, you know,
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Speaker 1: sometimes maybe someone could say a nasty comment and it's
7:28
Speaker 1: stuck with you for years. And you think, you know, logically,
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Speaker 1: I know it's not true or I know this or
7:35
Speaker 1: I know that, but you can't let go of it.
7:37
Speaker 1: This episode is also going to help you with that
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Speaker 1: as well. So it's pretty much all encompassing this episode.
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Speaker 1: So let's talk about why attachment causes suffering in the
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Speaker 1: first place. The first thing is impermanence. That is one
7:50
Speaker 1: of my main things, and I've banged on about this
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Speaker 1: a thousand times. Impermanence and embracing impermanence and the fact
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Speaker 1: that change is inevitable is one of the best things
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Speaker 1: you can do to fast track your journey to happiness, essentially.
8:05
Speaker 1: Because nothing, nothing in life is permanent. Even your relationship,
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Speaker 1: it's not permanent. You might stay with the person that
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Speaker 1: you're with for the rest of your life. And if
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Speaker 1: you love them, I really hope you do, if you
8:18
Speaker 1: love each other. But the relationship as you know it
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Speaker 1: will go through many different versions. The version of this
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Speaker 1: relationship is not permanent. It's going to evolve and evolve
8:29
Speaker 1: and evolve. And if you're the kind of couple that
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Speaker 1: can continue to evolve together and embrace this evolution and
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Speaker 1: embrace the individual change that each other goes through, that
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Speaker 1: makes for a very successful relationship. But what you experience
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Speaker 1: right now is not going to live forever. The relationship
8:44
Speaker 1: I had with Tyrone before we had children is done.
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Speaker 1: But now we've embraced this new version of our relationship.
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Speaker 1: There's many aspects that have stayed the same, but there's
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Speaker 1: many aspects that have not. But because we've embraced it
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Speaker 1: and we've gone on this journey together, we're really enjoying it.
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Speaker 1: It's not all doom and gloom. It's allowing different eras
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Speaker 1: to end and be born and then accepting that in
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Speaker 1: order to be happy. Okay. People change, relationships change, your
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Speaker 1: body changes, your brain, your children change, friendships, friendship circles,
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Speaker 1: you know, even your network of where you live. You know,
9:19
Speaker 1: you might think I've got the perfect setup, the perfect setup,
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Speaker 1: and within one year maybe three of your best friends
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Speaker 1: have moved to different suburbs, cities or countries, right? Your
9:27
Speaker 1: home can change. Technology changes around us all the time.
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Speaker 1: The industry that you work in is going to evolve
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Speaker 1: and change. your finances, the stages of your life. There
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Speaker 1: is nothing that is permanent. And the suffering comes from
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Speaker 1: us resisting that. So I love this so much, I
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Speaker 1: need it to stay exactly as it is. This matters
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Speaker 1: so much to me turns into, I'm not going to
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Speaker 1: be okay if I don't have this in my life.
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Speaker 1: So something can matter so much to you, but you
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Speaker 1: also have to accept that it might not be in
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Speaker 1: your life forever. And when you accept it, it's not
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Speaker 1: that you then think, oh my God, I can't get
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Speaker 1: too close to it. You think I'm going to relish it.
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Speaker 1: A prime example of this is your dog. Now, like
10:15
Speaker 1: if you're my best friend Liv, she'll already start crying,
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Speaker 1: just imagining her dog's death, even though her dog's not
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Speaker 1: even old. But a dog is a prime example of this.
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Speaker 1: I know that my dog is not going to live forever.
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Speaker 1: My dog is probably going to live at best, I mean,
10:27
Speaker 1: hopefully more, but let's say 14, 15 years. Okay. I
10:31
Speaker 1: fucking love my dog, but I'm well aware that he
10:33
Speaker 1: is not going to be in my life forever. Does
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Speaker 1: that make me think, oh, I'm going to put my
10:37
Speaker 1: walls up then. I'm not going to get too close
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Speaker 1: to my dog. I'm not going to, no, it actually
10:41
Speaker 1: serves the opposite. I think Every time I get home,
10:44
Speaker 1: I've got to give him the time of day. I've
10:45
Speaker 1: got to give him a scratch. I've got to this,
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Speaker 1: I've got to that. I'm going to let him sleep
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Speaker 1: on my bed. I'm going to do that. I love
10:49
Speaker 1: him so much. I'm going to show him how much
10:50
Speaker 1: I love him because I know it's not permanent and
10:53
Speaker 1: I want to make the most of that time. So
10:55
Speaker 1: you almost want to use that example with other things
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Speaker 1: in your life. Some people think, well, if this is
10:59
Speaker 1: not going to be permanent, then I can't let myself
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Speaker 1: to get too close. You having your walls up is
11:05
Speaker 1: not going to protect you from pain. It's only going
11:08
Speaker 1: to make you regret. If I am worried that my
11:12
Speaker 1: partner will leave me, so then I'm standoffish and I'm,
11:16
Speaker 1: all it does is it gives me a very limited
11:22
Speaker 1: version of the relationship that I could experience. And because
11:25
Speaker 1: I'm so fearful, I never experienced the relationship to the
11:28
Speaker 1: full degree. And then if it ended, I would look
11:31
Speaker 1: back thinking, why didn't I just make the most of it?
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Speaker 1: Why didn't I tell them I loved them more? Why
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Speaker 1: wasn't I just a bit more relaxed and carefree? Why
11:39
Speaker 1: did I try and control them so much? I was
11:41
Speaker 1: such a pain in the ass because I was so
11:44
Speaker 1: fearful and I had my walls up so high that
11:46
Speaker 1: I actually was just making their life a misery when
11:49
Speaker 1: they were just being themselves. Why didn't I greet them
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Speaker 1: in a happier way every time they came home? Like
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Speaker 1: why did I, you know, versus you thinking, you know what,
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Speaker 1: this relationship could end, but I'm just going to give
12:04
Speaker 1: it my all and be the best version of myself.
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Speaker 1: And then if it didn't, you would turn around and say,
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Speaker 1: you know what, I really gave it my all and
12:10
Speaker 1: the good times were really, really good. But if that
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Speaker 1: was me giving it my all and it didn't work out,
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Speaker 1: it just wasn't meant to be. That's the beauty of it.
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Speaker 1: When you give everything, knowing it might not be permanent,
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Speaker 1: but thinking I'm not going to have my walls up,
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Speaker 1: I'm going to experience this to the maximum it can
12:24
Speaker 1: be experienced. Then when it does end, if, because the
12:27
Speaker 1: relationship might not end, I'm not a pessimist, But if
12:30
Speaker 1: it ended, you could say, you know what, there was
12:32
Speaker 1: nothing left on the table, I gave it my all.
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Speaker 1: So I'm more at peace with the fact that it
12:36
Speaker 1: ended because if it didn't work with me giving it
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Speaker 1: my all, it never would have worked and I'm okay
12:41
Speaker 1: with that. Versus you thinking, oh, I've got all these regrets,
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Speaker 1: I could have acted differently and I didn't. See the difference.
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Speaker 1: There's a huge difference. That's the same with things we
12:49
Speaker 1: go through in our life. Let's say you go on
12:51
Speaker 1: a trip and while you're there, you're like, let's say
12:55
Speaker 1: you take three months and you go somewhere and you're like, oh, fuck,
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Speaker 1: you know, I just, think I want to go home. Oh,
13:01
Speaker 1: I think this, I think, and you're half arsing it
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Speaker 1: the whole time. Then you, because you're like, well, I'm
13:06
Speaker 1: only here for three months anyway. And you keep telling
13:08
Speaker 1: yourself all these stories. You come back home and you
13:10
Speaker 1: think I only had three fucking months and there I
13:12
Speaker 1: was being shitty, missing my home, whatever. Now I'm back
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Speaker 1: and I've just wasted all this money. And it feels
13:18
Speaker 1: like a waste because you're like, I just did not
13:20
Speaker 1: maximize the time that I was there. You have to
13:23
Speaker 1: maximize every opportunity because sometimes it will evolve into something
13:27
Speaker 1: that's great and it keeps evolving, but sometimes it ends
13:29
Speaker 1: and then you regret not maximizing it. Now, I did
13:32
Speaker 1: want to brush over this, the Buddhist idea of attachment,
13:34
Speaker 1: because I find it really interesting. So the Buddhist perspective
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Speaker 1: is that ignorance equals craving, which equals attachment, which then
13:41
Speaker 1: equals suffering. So this attachment is like a clinging to
13:46
Speaker 1: things that are inherently changing. Okay. So reality changes as
13:51
Speaker 1: we've established, but we're demanding permanence. And then reality, of course,
13:56
Speaker 1: eventually wins because you can't force permanence. And then that's
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Speaker 1: what produces that anxiety, the resistance, the fear, the grief.
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Speaker 1: And that then equals suffering. So when you release your
14:07
Speaker 1: attachment to the need for things to be permanent, you
14:11
Speaker 1: release yourself from the anxiety, not every anxiety in your life,
14:14
Speaker 1: but a lot of anxieties, resistance, grief, fear, all of that.
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Speaker 1: We can become attached to not just relationships, but there's
14:29
Speaker 1: other things as well, like your car, your home. A
14:31
Speaker 1: lot of people get attached to physical possessions significantly. Now,
14:35
Speaker 1: this is a bit different to, I mean, you could
14:41
Speaker 1: categorize it as the same thing, but if you've got
14:43
Speaker 1: like a really sentimental piece of jewelry from your grandmother
14:46
Speaker 1: and That's a bit different to being attached to all
14:49
Speaker 1: your physical possessions because of the status that it represents,
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Speaker 1: that it says, oh, well, you know, if I drive
14:54
Speaker 1: this car, it means X, Y, Z about me. So
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Speaker 1: that's a slightly different representation. Yes, they are physical objects,
15:01
Speaker 1: but one is more sentimental and it brings you back
15:04
Speaker 1: into the moment and reminds you of your relative that
15:07
Speaker 1: might've passed away versus one that's attaching to your status
15:10
Speaker 1: and your ego. Your reputation is another one. And then
15:13
Speaker 1: things that people get super attached to as well. You're
15:17
Speaker 1: political opinions or a political party, religion, a cause, being right,
15:22
Speaker 1: your personal story, your university, your sporting team, a city,
15:26
Speaker 1: a hobby. There's all these categories that we become super,
15:29
Speaker 1: super attached to and we make them part of our identity.
15:32
Speaker 1: If someone says, who am I? You say, well, I'm
15:35
Speaker 1: conservative and I'm this and I'm that and I'm that.
15:38
Speaker 1: So you're now saying that these things that you align
15:40
Speaker 1: with are now who you are. When it's not actually
15:45
Speaker 1: the case, you might align with something But if that
15:47
Speaker 1: thing then disappeared, you'd still exist. If that political party
15:51
Speaker 1: crumbled one day, you wouldn't cease to exist, hopefully. So
15:56
Speaker 1: it's this idea of making sure that you're not saying
15:59
Speaker 1: this is now who I am and without it, I
16:01
Speaker 1: cease to exist. Okay. So an example of this, and
16:06
Speaker 1: if you want to like see if you relate or
16:07
Speaker 1: not is Someone that finds it really painful to get
16:10
Speaker 1: rid of objects, hoarders and borderline hoarders, like people that
16:13
Speaker 1: aren't living in squalor, but like really can't get rid
16:16
Speaker 1: of anything that they own. You struggle enormously with the
16:20
Speaker 1: end of an era. Like you just can't handle it.
16:23
Speaker 1: The end of uni, the end of high school, it
16:25
Speaker 1: gives you so much emotional pain. You become really anxious
16:28
Speaker 1: before something ends because you know it's not going to
16:31
Speaker 1: last forever. And that just causes you a lot of
16:33
Speaker 1: anxiety and animosity. a relationship ends and you don't just think, well,
16:38
Speaker 1: I've lost this relationship. You start to think, I'm never
16:41
Speaker 1: going to have this again. What does this mean about me?
16:43
Speaker 1: Who am I now? I'm not going to survive. I'll
16:45
Speaker 1: never be the same. So that's where attachment and identity
16:49
Speaker 1: kind of like collide with each other. Now, attachment itself
16:53
Speaker 1: is not the enemy. It's an important nuance that we
16:55
Speaker 1: need to speak about. So there's healthy forms of attachment.
17:00
Speaker 1: And then of course, unhealthy forms of attachment. So what
17:03
Speaker 1: kind of attachment is it that we need to seek
17:06
Speaker 1: out in all areas of our life? And this is
17:08
Speaker 1: where I do wanna refresh attachment theory. So we have,
17:13
Speaker 1: there's three versions of attachment styles. One of them, there's
17:18
Speaker 1: like two subcategories. You've got secure, insecure, and disorganized. Secure
17:22
Speaker 1: attachment is what we're all aiming for, hopefully. Insecure is
17:27
Speaker 1: divided into anxious and avoidant. So anxious attachment is, is
17:33
Speaker 1: where you are constantly fearing that someone's going to leave you.
17:37
Speaker 1: So that there, I'll give you as like a very
17:40
Speaker 1: basic example, it's always checking on your partner, checking the phone,
17:43
Speaker 1: thinking they're going to leave you, thinking this, thinking that
17:45
Speaker 1: they're talking to their colleague and it must be that
17:47
Speaker 1: they're floating. That's the anxious attachment. So you are fearful
17:52
Speaker 1: that they're going to leave you and your way of
17:54
Speaker 1: responding is, I need validation constantly. I need, I need,
17:57
Speaker 1: I need. Then you've got avoidant attachment, which is fearful
18:01
Speaker 1: that someone's going to leave you, So you don't even
18:03
Speaker 1: engage in the first place. These are these commitment phobes.
18:06
Speaker 1: They will never commit. They'll never let anyone do something
18:09
Speaker 1: for them. They're always like walls up, walls up. You
18:11
Speaker 1: can't get in. You can't get in. That's fearful. That's
18:14
Speaker 1: hyper independence. And it stems from an insecurity. Disorganized attachment
18:20
Speaker 1: is quite rare. And this is almost always stems from trauma.
18:25
Speaker 1: So this is where they really struggle to form any
18:29
Speaker 1: kind of attachment with consistency. So, and this stems from
18:33
Speaker 1: childhood and normally like abandonment. So I'm not really going
18:36
Speaker 1: to cover disorganized attachment. If you want to know more
18:38
Speaker 1: about that, I've got a whole episode on attachment theory
18:41
Speaker 1: where I go in detail into the four. But secure
18:44
Speaker 1: attachment is where you feel lovable. You feel worthy of love.
18:48
Speaker 1: You feel like if something was to break down, you'd
18:53
Speaker 1: be capable of rebuilding yourself because overall you're worthy of love.
18:56
Speaker 1: So even if one version of love, or if one
18:59
Speaker 1: job didn't work out or if I got rejected here,
19:01
Speaker 1: you would still feel a sense of stability. So these
19:04
Speaker 1: are the kind of children that grew up with parents
19:06
Speaker 1: where they were always a secure base. They would encourage
19:09
Speaker 1: exploration in the child, but the child always knew that
19:12
Speaker 1: they could come back and this parent would be that
19:14
Speaker 1: secure base who would offer them physical and emotional closeness. Okay.
19:22
Speaker 1: So If we look at it, if we look at
19:26
Speaker 1: this secure attachment, as far as child to parent, you
19:29
Speaker 1: could apply that same thing in your life, as far
19:32
Speaker 1: as jobs go, as far as friendships, as far as everything.
19:34
Speaker 1: So it's this knowing that there's a safe base and
19:38
Speaker 1: initially that's the parent, but eventually you kind of create
19:42
Speaker 1: that base for yourself. So it's where you can go
19:45
Speaker 1: off and explore, knowing that there's always that safe base
19:48
Speaker 1: to return to, knowing that you know, as a child,
19:50
Speaker 1: the caregiver is always available for you. You then learn
19:54
Speaker 1: that as an adult, love is always available. Good people
19:57
Speaker 1: and resources are always available. Okay. You can experience distress,
20:02
Speaker 1: but you know that you can always be comforted back
20:04
Speaker 1: to a calm state. So that then translates in adults
20:09
Speaker 1: to you're comfortable with being intimate with somebody, emotionally vulnerable
20:13
Speaker 1: with somebody. You can form really trusting bonds with other people.
20:17
Speaker 1: You are fine communicating openly and ask, not only just
20:21
Speaker 1: talking about how something affected you, but asking for something like,
20:26
Speaker 1: you know, expressing your needs. I need this to be
20:28
Speaker 1: met in this relationship. I would like you to do
20:30
Speaker 1: more of this for me. You can manage conflict. You
20:34
Speaker 1: can accept feedback. You can establish boundaries. Now, when I
20:37
Speaker 1: talk about accepting feedback, you don't have to love it.
20:40
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, I love criticism. I love feedback. No,
20:42
Speaker 1: but you can accept it. You don't take it as
20:44
Speaker 1: a stab at your identity. You might be like, oh,
20:48
Speaker 1: I hated hearing that. But ultimately upon reflection, yes, it's true. Okay.
20:53
Speaker 1: So the main thing here is that the thing that
20:57
Speaker 1: you want to apply more broadly to your life is
20:59
Speaker 1: secure attachment is kind of that link between that feeling
21:04
Speaker 1: worthy of love and connection, being like vulnerable enough to
21:08
Speaker 1: experience life in all its forms and connection, but also
21:13
Speaker 1: not believing that the end of something means something about
21:16
Speaker 1: who you are as a person. The end of a
21:18
Speaker 1: relationship doesn't symbolize I'm flawed, I'm unlovable, I'm not good enough,
21:22
Speaker 1: I no longer know who I am. It might highlight
21:26
Speaker 1: that you could sharpen up your, like, interpersonal skills like
21:31
Speaker 1: maybe the end of a relationship might maybe you you
21:35
Speaker 1: think wow i really never gave my partner the time
21:37
Speaker 1: of day i really should have been more present i
21:40
Speaker 1: should have but even that kind of feedback and realization
21:42
Speaker 1: does come from a secure level of attachment so even
21:46
Speaker 1: within secure attachment you can be quote unquote flawed in
21:49
Speaker 1: how you behave in relationships but it's this idea of
21:52
Speaker 1: not feeling that you yourself are worthless or unworthy of
21:56
Speaker 1: love So now what we're going to talk about is,
21:58
Speaker 1: is it possible to actually shift your attachment related responses?
22:03
Speaker 1: The answer in a nutshell is yes. And I'm going
22:06
Speaker 1: to talk about a couple of studies that were done here.
22:08
Speaker 1: I will link the studies in my show notes as
22:11
Speaker 1: well if you're interested. But the first one was a
22:13
Speaker 1: systematic review. So it was a review on all these
22:17
Speaker 1: different studies that were done on a very similar thing.
22:19
Speaker 1: So it's basically the effectiveness of something called attachment security priming,
22:24
Speaker 1: which I'm going to explain to you what that is.
22:26
Speaker 1: in improving positive effect and reducing negative effect. So just
22:30
Speaker 1: very quickly in a nutshell, positive and negative effect, it's
22:33
Speaker 1: basically the mood that you experience. So positive effect is enthusiasm, engagement, joy, excitement, pride, happiness, cheerfulness,
22:44
Speaker 1: all of that. Negative effect is anger, fear, distress, disgust, guilt,
22:49
Speaker 1: other unpleasant things. emotions or emotional states that you could feel. Okay.
22:53
Speaker 1: So when we're talking about increasing positive effect, it's kind
22:56
Speaker 1: of any positive emotion, negative effect is any negative emotion. Okay.
23:00
Speaker 1: So the effectiveness of attachment security priming in improving positive
23:03
Speaker 1: effect and reducing negative effect. So firstly, attachment security priming
23:09
Speaker 1: is where you prime individuals to visualise things that they
23:15
Speaker 1: link to secure attachment, even if the individual themselves is
23:19
Speaker 1: not overly securely attached, but it's where you think of
23:23
Speaker 1: something that makes them feel cared for, safe, supported, and secure.
23:28
Speaker 1: So it could be one person in their life that
23:31
Speaker 1: when they think about this person, maybe it's their mother,
23:34
Speaker 1: maybe it's their sibling. And they're like, oh no, that person,
23:37
Speaker 1: every time I'm with them, I don't even care how
23:39
Speaker 1: I look. I don't care what, like, I'm just so
23:41
Speaker 1: comfortable in my own skin and that, but it's, People
23:44
Speaker 1: or things in your life that really symbolize a really
23:47
Speaker 1: healthy form of attachment. Now, for some people, it's everywhere
23:50
Speaker 1: they look. And for other people, they have to think
23:52
Speaker 1: long and hard about it. But often there is always
23:54
Speaker 1: something that someone can pull out and really focus on.
23:58
Speaker 1: And that is, in a nutshell, attachment security priming. It's
24:03
Speaker 1: kind of like you are priming yourself to focus on
24:06
Speaker 1: that secure attachment in your life and what that represents
24:10
Speaker 1: for you and how you feel about when you are
24:12
Speaker 1: in that situation or hanging around that person. So they
24:16
Speaker 1: looked at a whole bunch of different studies. How many?
24:18
Speaker 1: It was 30 empirical studies, okay? 28 of those studies
24:22
Speaker 1: were involving adults and two of those studies involved children
24:26
Speaker 1: and teenagers. So depending on the study, this is how
24:30
Speaker 1: they primed the individuals. They either made you visualize someone
24:32
Speaker 1: that made you feel safe, remember someone being available or supportive,
24:37
Speaker 1: recall a secure relationship experience in your life, see the
24:41
Speaker 1: name of a secure attachment person in your life, look
24:46
Speaker 1: at security-related images, exposure to attachment-related words, or writing about
24:53
Speaker 1: secure experiences in your life. Now, some were conscious and
24:58
Speaker 1: some were also subliminal, where they would like play subliminal
25:01
Speaker 1: messages and things like that with these individuals. And overall,
25:05
Speaker 1: across all the studies, attachment security priming, this exercise increased
25:11
Speaker 1: positive emotions and reduced negative emotions compared with controls. In
25:15
Speaker 1: all these studies, they had a control group where they
25:18
Speaker 1: would make them think of something, but it wasn't this
25:20
Speaker 1: attachment security priming. It was something like unrelated, or they
25:24
Speaker 1: would like just make them sit in a room and
25:27
Speaker 1: do something, but it wasn't any of this exercise at all. Okay.
25:30
Speaker 1: So it wasn't just, I've got to think happy thoughts.
25:32
Speaker 1: It was specifically this priming of secure attachment. They found
25:38
Speaker 1: that one of the most effective results was in a
25:42
Speaker 1: reduction of stress and anxiety, okay? Now, repetition also seemed
25:47
Speaker 1: to be important. So if you did it just once,
25:50
Speaker 1: you would get this kind of positive results and then
25:55
Speaker 1: it would like eventually like wane off. But if you
25:59
Speaker 1: did this repeated priming, it started to activate this more
26:03
Speaker 1: of a secure representation in your life over time. So
26:06
Speaker 1: I basically suggest like a culmination of all these effects
26:09
Speaker 1: again and again and again, and it starts making you
26:12
Speaker 1: feel more supported, more safe and more cared for the
26:15
Speaker 1: more you focus on these things that represent secure attachment.
26:19
Speaker 1: And therefore the negative effects started to go down more
26:22
Speaker 1: and more and more. So the more you did it,
26:24
Speaker 1: the better your positive effect was. Now, it doesn't override
26:29
Speaker 1: your attachment style. This is talking about how you can
26:33
Speaker 1: reduce your anxiety and your negative emotions with this priming,
26:37
Speaker 1: but it doesn't overall just instantly change your attachment style.
26:41
Speaker 1: To change your attachment style is a bit more complicated
26:44
Speaker 1: than that. And yes, it is possible to change your
26:46
Speaker 1: attachment style, but depending how severe your It is, and
26:51
Speaker 1: what were the causes will depend how much intervention you
26:54
Speaker 1: would need to change your attachment style. So does this
26:57
Speaker 1: override your attachment style? No, it doesn't. You can have,
27:00
Speaker 1: people in general have relatively stable attachment tendencies. It's not
27:04
Speaker 1: to say that you can't change your attachment style. You can,
27:06
Speaker 1: but depending on the style of attachment and what was
27:10
Speaker 1: the cause of it and how heavily it influences your
27:13
Speaker 1: life will depend how your attachment style changes. Also, there
27:18
Speaker 1: might be certain things that occur in your life that
27:20
Speaker 1: can shift your attachment style temporarily. For example, if you
27:23
Speaker 1: have a really awful abusive relationship when you are normally
27:27
Speaker 1: securely attached, you might have a period of time after
27:30
Speaker 1: that relationship where you feel avoidant for a while until
27:35
Speaker 1: you kind of heal and recover and then refocus back
27:38
Speaker 1: on your healthy relationships in your life. And then you
27:40
Speaker 1: go back to that secure attachment. But in general, it
27:43
Speaker 1: does take more than just this priming to change your
27:45
Speaker 1: attachment style, which is interesting because what it's saying is
27:50
Speaker 1: you don't have to go through all, I mean, please
27:52
Speaker 1: do all the therapy you can get. We all need to,
27:54
Speaker 1: but you don't have to go through all this crazy,
27:57
Speaker 1: like changes of therapy and this and that to start
27:59
Speaker 1: feeling better. You can just do this priming to start
28:04
Speaker 1: reducing your anxiety and your stress and other negative effects
28:07
Speaker 1: as well. Now, this other study, there was another study
28:12
Speaker 1: that was done that I want to touch on that
28:15
Speaker 1: did this priming for eight weeks. And it's the long-term
28:18
Speaker 1: effects of secure attachment priming on mental health in stressful
28:22
Speaker 1: periods of working adults. That's the name of the study.
28:25
Speaker 1: So they tested this repeated priming once a week for
28:28
Speaker 1: eight weeks, and they measured anxiety, stress, well-being, depressive symptoms,
28:33
Speaker 1: and they looked at whether the effects persisted after the
28:36
Speaker 1: priming stopped. So they had to do this roughly 10
28:40
Speaker 1: minutes a week. And the activities varied between imagining a situation,
28:45
Speaker 1: a person looking at images, word associations, et cetera. And
28:49
Speaker 1: the control group did similar activities, but it wasn't around attachment. Okay.
28:55
Speaker 1: Now they found that the groups before didn't significantly differ,
29:04
Speaker 1: like between the control group and, you know, the group
29:07
Speaker 1: that they were actually doing the tests on. They didn't
29:11
Speaker 1: really differ that much in anxiety, perceived stress, or wellbeing.
29:13
Speaker 1: But after eight weeks, the primed group had higher wellbeing,
29:17
Speaker 1: lower anxiety, lower perceived stress. So the wellbeing... was kind
29:24
Speaker 1: of like a medium effect. The anxiety was a medium effect,
29:27
Speaker 1: but the stress was a large effect. It very positively
29:31
Speaker 1: reduced stress. Now, another really interesting thing about this study,
29:35
Speaker 1: given that it was specifically done on people that were
29:38
Speaker 1: in a stressful period of their lives. Another thing that
29:42
Speaker 1: was very interesting is that the group that were doing
29:48
Speaker 1: this priming, the priming group, they saw improvements, but not crazy, crazy,
29:54
Speaker 1: crazy improvements. So during the stressful period, they were seeing
29:58
Speaker 1: improvements and above baseline, but not insane improvements. But the
30:02
Speaker 1: control group, while they were going through that stress period,
30:06
Speaker 1: deteriorated below baseline. So what they're finding is, yes, it
30:11
Speaker 1: it improves things for you, but more importantly, it's protecting
30:15
Speaker 1: you from the negative effects of stressful periods in your life.
30:18
Speaker 1: And I think that that's really, really important to note.
30:21
Speaker 1: When you focus on secure attachment in your life, you
30:25
Speaker 1: are protecting yourself from the negative effects of stressful events
30:28
Speaker 1: in your life that impact you. Okay. Now that's all
30:38
Speaker 1: well and good that I've gone over these studies and
30:40
Speaker 1: we've spoken about the effects of these studies and why
30:44
Speaker 1: they matter and how they can impact you. But how
30:47
Speaker 1: do we apply this to our own lives? And how
30:49
Speaker 1: do we apply this to detaching to shit in our
30:52
Speaker 1: lives that is making us feel bad? So this is
30:54
Speaker 1: what I'm going to get into. Okay. The goal isn't
30:58
Speaker 1: less connection. It is less clinging to things. Okay. So
31:03
Speaker 1: it's We don't want to say, I don't need anyone.
31:06
Speaker 1: Nothing matters. I'm not going to get attached because I
31:08
Speaker 1: might lose it. We want something more aligned with, I
31:13
Speaker 1: can connect. I can adore deeply. I can love. I
31:16
Speaker 1: can care. I can be invested. And I can acknowledge
31:20
Speaker 1: that this might change. And I can maintain my sense
31:24
Speaker 1: of self, even if it does change. Okay. Okay. This
31:28
Speaker 1: idea of attachment to permanence is the thing that we
31:30
Speaker 1: want to be letting go of. That is kind of
31:32
Speaker 1: like the crux of the whole thing. It's nothing is permanent.
31:36
Speaker 1: The good times are likely not permanent. It's not to
31:39
Speaker 1: say that different good times aren't going to come along
31:41
Speaker 1: because statistically, given how our lives go, they will come along.
31:45
Speaker 1: But this particular good time will come to an end.
31:49
Speaker 1: So instead of being so fearful, it's like turning it
31:52
Speaker 1: around and being more present and I know that this
31:55
Speaker 1: won't last forever, so I'm really going to maximize it
31:57
Speaker 1: and make the most of it, okay? It doesn't mean
32:00
Speaker 1: that you're not going to experience grief or pain accepting this.
32:04
Speaker 1: If anything, it actually is protective over grief and pain
32:07
Speaker 1: because it makes you really be in the moment and
32:10
Speaker 1: know that you maximized every opportunity when it was there
32:13
Speaker 1: for you, okay? So it also doesn't stop you from
32:16
Speaker 1: being sad when something ends. It doesn't protect you from that,
32:18
Speaker 1: but it does protect you from regret. which I think
32:21
Speaker 1: is worse feeling than sorrow. Because sadness is something that
32:24
Speaker 1: can't be completely eliminated out of your life. It's something
32:28
Speaker 1: that is inevitable. We're going to experience pain in our life,
32:31
Speaker 1: but suffering can be curbed and regret is suffering. So
32:36
Speaker 1: if you're living in a life that's too protective and
32:38
Speaker 1: holding everything and trying to control, control, control, and not
32:40
Speaker 1: being in the moment, that's when you're going to regret
32:42
Speaker 1: later down the line. This denial and refusal to accept
32:47
Speaker 1: Change in your life is going to make you retreat,
32:49
Speaker 1: do less, remain stuck psychologically, shrink, and it feels like
32:55
Speaker 1: you are falling behind. And the reason why it feels
32:57
Speaker 1: like you're falling behind even when you're not doing less,
33:00
Speaker 1: where you're just going through the motions, is because everything
33:02
Speaker 1: around you is always changing. So if you can't embrace
33:05
Speaker 1: impermanence and change, you will feel left behind just because
33:10
Speaker 1: other people are evolving and changing and trying new things
33:12
Speaker 1: and doing new things and moving and doing da-da-da-da. If
33:14
Speaker 1: you're always accepting of different things and change and adventure
33:17
Speaker 1: and exploration, you're not going to feel like you're falling
33:20
Speaker 1: behind because you've got all these chapters in your life,
33:23
Speaker 1: all these milestones and markers that you've lived and experienced.
33:27
Speaker 1: And so it's pushing you forward in life. Okay. Now,
33:32
Speaker 1: the first thing I want you to do, I've got
33:34
Speaker 1: like another four things that I want you to do
33:36
Speaker 1: when we are actually looking at how we're going to
33:40
Speaker 1: become less attached. Number one, I want you to identify yourself.
33:44
Speaker 1: thing that you're currently suffering on? Is it my relationship?
33:48
Speaker 1: Is it that I'm so attached to negative comments that
33:51
Speaker 1: my family makes about my body? Is it that I'm
33:53
Speaker 1: so attached to X, Y, Z? Maybe it's something acute.
33:57
Speaker 1: Maybe someone said something to you this morning and you
33:59
Speaker 1: just can't get it out of your head. Maybe it's
34:01
Speaker 1: this fear that your lease is ending and you're never
34:04
Speaker 1: going to live in a house that's just as good
34:05
Speaker 1: and you're really upset about that. So we need to
34:07
Speaker 1: acknowledge what that thing that's causing us pain right now
34:10
Speaker 1: or causing us fear, what it's representing right now in
34:14
Speaker 1: our life, okay? Then I want you to identify where
34:20
Speaker 1: you stand in it, okay? So I want you to
34:23
Speaker 1: zoom out and identify how much importance does this thing
34:27
Speaker 1: actually have on me? You know when you're in the
34:29
Speaker 1: thick of something and it feels like it is all encompassing,
34:32
Speaker 1: your life is going to end. You know when you
34:34
Speaker 1: work in a workplace and the workplace drama is like,
34:37
Speaker 1: Oh my fucking God, I can't believe that person said
34:40
Speaker 1: this to me. And it's all encompassing. And then you
34:43
Speaker 1: go away on a trip or a holiday or whatever.
34:45
Speaker 1: And just that distance alone, you realize it really helps
34:49
Speaker 1: you put things into perspective. You start to realize, okay,
34:52
Speaker 1: actually that is a drama that is going on in
34:55
Speaker 1: my life, but I'm able to kind of compartmentalize it
34:57
Speaker 1: just to this one area. It's actually not taking over
35:00
Speaker 1: my life. And it actually makes me realize how ridiculous
35:02
Speaker 1: some of those things are. Like, for example, my sister,
35:05
Speaker 1: she's the firefighter. You guys have heard her on the
35:07
Speaker 1: podcast before. She does rescue firefighting. And she says that,
35:12
Speaker 1: you know, it's really put a lot of things into
35:14
Speaker 1: perspective because when she's like cutting out someone out of
35:17
Speaker 1: a car who's on death's door and then she hears
35:19
Speaker 1: about a workplace drama at this other place that she
35:21
Speaker 1: goes to, she's like, it's not that I don't care,
35:24
Speaker 1: but it's that it doesn't affect me. She doesn't take
35:26
Speaker 1: it home with her because she's putting things in drastic
35:29
Speaker 1: perspective and it's made her be way more present and caring.
35:33
Speaker 1: harm around everyday situations. So maybe find your version of
35:37
Speaker 1: zooming out and use perspective deliberately and understand where that
35:42
Speaker 1: gap lies and how that distance can actually create a
35:45
Speaker 1: bit of healing for you. Okay. So someone comments something mean,
35:50
Speaker 1: normally you're going to sit down and spiral and it
35:52
Speaker 1: expands until it engulfs your entire awareness and you feel
35:55
Speaker 1: like absolute shit. Then someone invites you out. You're like, no,
35:57
Speaker 1: I don't want to go out. No, I feel like shit.
35:58
Speaker 1: I don't like how I'm like... spiral, spiral, spiral. And
36:01
Speaker 1: then you doom scroll, doom scroll, doom scroll. Then eventually
36:04
Speaker 1: you fall asleep and then you wake up and then
36:05
Speaker 1: you check your phone. You feel just as shit as
36:07
Speaker 1: you did last night. That's example one. Alternatively, you could
36:11
Speaker 1: read the same comment or hear the same remark that
36:13
Speaker 1: was made to you. You feel shit about yourself. You
36:16
Speaker 1: go through that, but then your friends say, Hey, why
36:18
Speaker 1: don't we just go out for dinner? Or you instigate it. Hey,
36:21
Speaker 1: I'm really feeling shit. Does anyone want to come out
36:23
Speaker 1: for dinner? Let's just have a wine and a pasta, whatever.
36:25
Speaker 1: You go out. You then spend two hours laughing. They're
36:29
Speaker 1: distracting you. They're making you laugh. They're reminding you of
36:32
Speaker 1: what matters, the connection you have with them, your life.
36:35
Speaker 1: It just feels fabulous. And you're like, oh my God,
36:37
Speaker 1: this has now made that comment feel like a speck.
36:39
Speaker 1: It still exists. It still is hurtful if I dwell
36:42
Speaker 1: on it, but it's given me perspective. And now I
36:45
Speaker 1: realize what really actually matters in my life. Now, let's
36:48
Speaker 1: say you're someone that doesn't have your friends that live
36:50
Speaker 1: close by. Another way of finding that perspective is you
36:52
Speaker 1: get home, you feel like shit, you could sit and
36:54
Speaker 1: doom scroll, but you pick up the leash, you grab
36:57
Speaker 1: your dog if you have a dog, and you're like,
36:59
Speaker 1: I'm going to go play fetch with my dog. I'm
37:00
Speaker 1: going to give my dog the best afternoon possible. We
37:02
Speaker 1: play fetch, and then the sun starts to set, and
37:04
Speaker 1: you're playing fetch. Your dog is happy, you're in awe.
37:08
Speaker 1: of the sun setting and you think, oh, he's so
37:10
Speaker 1: much greater than me. This is such a nice feeling.
37:13
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm part of something so much bigger
37:15
Speaker 1: and this is really beautiful and I'm so glad I
37:18
Speaker 1: stepped out and I experienced this thing. That's another form
37:20
Speaker 1: of perspective. You could go and do something solo that
37:23
Speaker 1: makes you feel really calm and good, go for an
37:25
Speaker 1: ocean dip. Anything that's going to pull you out of
37:27
Speaker 1: that dwelling, where it puts your life into perspective and
37:31
Speaker 1: think there's so much to be grateful for. There is
37:33
Speaker 1: actually a lot of beauty. Maybe you could call someone
37:35
Speaker 1: and you're like, this conversation has actually turned my evening around.
37:38
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Okay. So it's this, the actual
37:42
Speaker 1: comment never changed. Okay. But your attachment to it and
37:46
Speaker 1: what that comment represented did change. So that's how you
37:50
Speaker 1: want to apply to everything. The thing that changed doesn't,
37:55
Speaker 1: it always exists as the same thing. Your landlord ends
37:58
Speaker 1: your lease. That will never change. How they ended it,
38:01
Speaker 1: it's the same. But how you then perceive it and
38:05
Speaker 1: what its meaning is will determine how attached you are
38:09
Speaker 1: and how much you suffer, how detached you are and
38:11
Speaker 1: how little you suffer, okay? So if my landlord ended
38:14
Speaker 1: the lease, I'm like, I'm never going to get another place.
38:16
Speaker 1: What am I on to? I just moved back home.
38:17
Speaker 1: Fuck my life. Fuck my life. I'm really going to suffer, okay?
38:21
Speaker 1: If I look at it and say, okay, well, now
38:23
Speaker 1: that this has changed, maybe this is my chance to
38:27
Speaker 1: move to this other suburb that I've always kind of thought, oh,
38:30
Speaker 1: I wonder what it'd be like. Maybe I just do it.
38:33
Speaker 1: What if I then do this? Or what if this
38:34
Speaker 1: is an opportunity for X, Y, Z? Or what if,
38:36
Speaker 1: you know what? I also fucking hate my job. So
38:38
Speaker 1: while I'm at it, why don't I also fucking quit
38:40
Speaker 1: my job and I just start from scratch somewhere else?
38:43
Speaker 1: Or it could be way less dramatic, but you could think,
38:45
Speaker 1: you know what? Maybe it's time to You know, I've
38:48
Speaker 1: been living alone for all this time. Maybe I'm going
38:50
Speaker 1: to shake it up and move in with people or
38:51
Speaker 1: vice versa. You've been living with people and you think,
38:53
Speaker 1: fuck it, now I'm going to live alone. Whatever it is,
38:56
Speaker 1: I'm saying you want to use the opportunity when change
38:58
Speaker 1: presents itself to either spiral, which I hope you don't,
39:01
Speaker 1: or B, you say, well, what could I do with
39:04
Speaker 1: this change? Seeing as change has chased me down, what
39:07
Speaker 1: can I do? When change happens in my life that's unexpected,
39:11
Speaker 1: I try and add more change because then it gives
39:13
Speaker 1: me a sense of control. If something out of control
39:15
Speaker 1: happened in my life, I think I could sit here
39:17
Speaker 1: and dwell and have a mental breakdown, which I've done
39:20
Speaker 1: in the past many times. Or I could use this
39:25
Speaker 1: as a catalyst and think, what else could I change?
39:28
Speaker 1: Because this is the prime time. okay? This is the
39:31
Speaker 1: prime time to make change because things are already being uprooted.
39:35
Speaker 1: If I then wait for things to calm down again,
39:37
Speaker 1: I'll be like, oh, well, no point changing things now.
39:39
Speaker 1: Things are just fine. They're finally just settled. If there's
39:41
Speaker 1: this sense of unsettled energy, use it to your advantage
39:45
Speaker 1: and think, what else can I change while I'm at it?
39:48
Speaker 1: Things are already up in the air. Why not throw
39:49
Speaker 1: a few more things up in the air? Why not
39:51
Speaker 1: change this, this, this, this, this? Why not do this?
39:53
Speaker 1: Why not do that? You know, that's when you can
39:55
Speaker 1: shake things up. And then instead of feeling this was
39:57
Speaker 1: done to me, you start to feel like I'm in
39:59
Speaker 1: fucking control of this situation. Look at this thing. I
40:01
Speaker 1: just threw that thing in the bin. I donated that.
40:03
Speaker 1: I got rid of that. I spring cleaned that. I'm
40:05
Speaker 1: fucking doing this. I quit that course, but I started
40:07
Speaker 1: this course. And then before you know it, it doesn't
40:10
Speaker 1: feel like something happened to you and, oh, nothing, everything
40:14
Speaker 1: changes and things end. And it's also, you start to
40:16
Speaker 1: feel like I'm in control. And then you feel that
40:19
Speaker 1: sense of secure attachment because you think, I am actually okay.
40:24
Speaker 1: I didn't want this thing to change, but it did.
40:26
Speaker 1: But I'm the secure base that I can keep returning
40:29
Speaker 1: back to. So I can now go out, explore, and
40:32
Speaker 1: return to the secure base. I can go out and
40:34
Speaker 1: try this new thing and return to the secure base.
40:36
Speaker 1: If you're always feeling like things are happening to you
40:38
Speaker 1: and you've been attacked and you're the victim, then nothing's
40:40
Speaker 1: ever going to feel like the secure base because you're
40:42
Speaker 1: living in that victimhood. So you want to turn it
40:45
Speaker 1: around and think, Like use these examples and think, what
40:50
Speaker 1: does it represent and what am I going to do
40:52
Speaker 1: about it? And what does that mean about me? So
40:55
Speaker 1: the same thing, let's say you got fired. Are you
40:58
Speaker 1: going to say, well, I'm scrambling to get another job?
41:00
Speaker 1: Or are you going to look at your options? You're
41:01
Speaker 1: going to lay everything down and be like, well, this
41:03
Speaker 1: is like a turning point in my life. What does
41:05
Speaker 1: it mean that I got fired now? Do I really
41:07
Speaker 1: want to stay in this career? And if the answer
41:08
Speaker 1: is yes, then great. Then what does this represent within
41:11
Speaker 1: this career? Why did I get fired? What does it mean?
41:12
Speaker 1: Do I need to pivot? Do I need to change
41:14
Speaker 1: my thing? Take control. And then when you start taking
41:17
Speaker 1: control of your own actions and your own feelings and
41:20
Speaker 1: your own emotions and where you could be headed, you
41:22
Speaker 1: stop feeling like the victim and you start feeling like
41:25
Speaker 1: you are the key player in your life and you
41:27
Speaker 1: feel a whole lot more empowered, okay? So now, using
41:31
Speaker 1: that attachment secure priming that we used in the studies
41:34
Speaker 1: that I was, we used, that I spoke about in
41:36
Speaker 1: the studies, you can deliberately activate that representation in your
41:41
Speaker 1: own mind. You don't need a therapist to do it.
41:43
Speaker 1: Most of these people in these studies were doing it
41:44
Speaker 1: themselves and they didn't, or with these other, like it
41:47
Speaker 1: wasn't with a therapist, it wasn't with a psychologist or
41:49
Speaker 1: a psychiatrist. This is a very baseline level of cognitive
41:53
Speaker 1: behavioral therapy that you can do on yourself. But this is,
41:56
Speaker 1: come up with representations that make you feel safe, supported,
42:00
Speaker 1: that someone has your back or a time where people
42:03
Speaker 1: were really available for you or where there's relationships that
42:06
Speaker 1: you can rely on. And maybe a city that you
42:08
Speaker 1: live in that makes you feel, maybe it's your neighborhood,
42:11
Speaker 1: maybe your building, maybe your neighbor always says hi to
42:14
Speaker 1: you and do you need anything or helps you with
42:17
Speaker 1: the door or whatever. Maybe it's the community, maybe everyone,
42:20
Speaker 1: like the person that you buy your coffee off, you
42:23
Speaker 1: get to know them and their family because you talk
42:24
Speaker 1: to them so much. It doesn't matter. It's anything that
42:26
Speaker 1: for you represents this sense of like comfortable base for you.
42:32
Speaker 1: is what you're going to dwell on. So for a
42:34
Speaker 1: lot of people, it will be their family, if they've
42:36
Speaker 1: got a healthy relationship with their family or their best
42:38
Speaker 1: friends or their partner. And for some other people, it
42:41
Speaker 1: might be a bit broader than that. But anything that
42:44
Speaker 1: is that priming, and you can do this, like in
42:47
Speaker 1: the studies, it was 10 minutes once a week. So
42:49
Speaker 1: you could literally just do 10 minute block once or
42:52
Speaker 1: twice a week to kind of bring yourself back. Or
42:54
Speaker 1: you can do it in a time of actual stress.
42:57
Speaker 1: and think I need to sit down and I need
42:59
Speaker 1: to reprime myself. And then that's going to bring things
43:02
Speaker 1: back into perspective. Like I was saying about that one
43:04
Speaker 1: bad comment, and then you could either spiral that night
43:06
Speaker 1: or then go out with your friends and the difference
43:08
Speaker 1: it's going to make to you. Okay. And then lastly,
43:12
Speaker 1: always remind yourself of the key anchors that anchor who
43:16
Speaker 1: you are in place. If things were to fall apart,
43:20
Speaker 1: who are you? Okay. So who you are outside of
43:24
Speaker 1: this one thing. If someone attacks, let's say you have
43:28
Speaker 1: an allegiance to a political party, and someone attacks that
43:30
Speaker 1: political party. If you say, I am that party, I
43:34
Speaker 1: am that, and they criticize the party, you feel personally attacked.
43:36
Speaker 1: And then you get angry and then you can't even debate.
43:38
Speaker 1: And now you're the psycho at the dinner party, losing
43:41
Speaker 1: your fucking shit because you can't have a healthy debate. Alternatively,
43:46
Speaker 1: you could be like, it's not a personal attack. That
43:49
Speaker 1: person has a potentially from their perspective, at least a
43:52
Speaker 1: valid argument. Maybe I don't see it as valid, but
43:54
Speaker 1: in their head, it's valid. And this is an attack
43:56
Speaker 1: at a political party. But if you say, I'm not
43:58
Speaker 1: attached to that party, I align with that party. But
44:01
Speaker 1: because I'm not attached to it, there might be things
44:03
Speaker 1: that aren't. And then that's where critical thinking comes into play.
44:06
Speaker 1: You know, those people that cannot think critically, that's because
44:09
Speaker 1: they deem themselves as that. It is now them. It
44:13
Speaker 1: is now their identity. Okay. So it's really important to,
44:17
Speaker 1: if you want to be a good critical thinker, be
44:19
Speaker 1: less attached. okay? Be careful with what you align yourself to.
44:23
Speaker 1: You can agree, like even myself politically, when I vote
44:27
Speaker 1: every election, I still look at what every party has
44:30
Speaker 1: to offer. I'm not like, I am a voter of
44:32
Speaker 1: this one party. No, because then that would mean that
44:35
Speaker 1: I would be blinded to maybe policies that aren't actually
44:38
Speaker 1: that great. But because I'm like, that's who I vote for,
44:41
Speaker 1: then I'm not like educating myself on the actual political landscape.
44:44
Speaker 1: But you could do that with all kinds of things.
44:46
Speaker 1: You could do that with on a much lower scale.
44:48
Speaker 1: Like a sporting team, people get so fanatical and so offended.
44:52
Speaker 1: Like you could do that with anything. So learn to
44:54
Speaker 1: become less attached in that regard. You will still exist.
44:57
Speaker 1: You're not going to cease to exist if someone offends
45:01
Speaker 1: your political party or your sporting team or your favorite actor, okay?
45:05
Speaker 1: So the anchors are who you actually are outside of
45:09
Speaker 1: all those things. Who are you with your secure relationships?
45:13
Speaker 1: What do you have to offer to the people that
45:15
Speaker 1: you love? Like what are the things that matter and
45:17
Speaker 1: what are your morals and what are your, like the
45:20
Speaker 1: things you care the most about? Those are the anchors
45:22
Speaker 1: that always bring you back to that calm state. Okay.
45:26
Speaker 1: So hopefully in summary of this entire fucking long episode,
45:32
Speaker 1: you hopefully have come to realize that it's got nothing
45:35
Speaker 1: to do with caring less. It's got to do with
45:37
Speaker 1: being a better critical thinker, with being able to know
45:40
Speaker 1: how to respond and based on how you respond, it's
45:43
Speaker 1: going to affect how you experience the event. So it's
45:46
Speaker 1: got nothing to do with being indifferent or caring less
45:48
Speaker 1: or having your walls up. It's actually the opposite. You
45:50
Speaker 1: could become more passionate, more caring, give more of a fuck,
45:54
Speaker 1: be more present in people's lives. Just be like you.
45:57
Speaker 1: You are more passionate and enthusiastic than ever while being
46:01
Speaker 1: less attached to outcomes and to things needing to be personal.
46:05
Speaker 1: And then you feel like you have to control less.
46:07
Speaker 1: People that control things outside of them are people that
46:10
Speaker 1: don't have a sense of control of their own life.
46:12
Speaker 1: People that feel no need to control others and things
46:15
Speaker 1: and people and whatever around them are the ones that
46:17
Speaker 1: have a very comfortable, secure sense of control over themselves.
46:21
Speaker 1: The more you can control yourself, the less you need
46:23
Speaker 1: to control other people. So that's a really good key indicator.
46:27
Speaker 1: If you're someone that's always controlling your partner, your friends,
46:30
Speaker 1: you probably don't have control over yourself. Okay. That is
46:33
Speaker 1: the episode of today. Hopefully you took a thousand notes
46:37
Speaker 1: and you were able to basically come to a conclusion
46:40
Speaker 1: of where you stand. There are some people that are
46:42
Speaker 1: already super secure attached, but that's maybe helped them become
46:46
Speaker 1: a little bit better when change happens to them and
46:48
Speaker 1: they don't really, like they're grappling with what to do.
46:51
Speaker 1: And then there's some people that have no secure attachment.
46:54
Speaker 1: And hopefully this episode has really, really helped you realize
46:57
Speaker 1: that even just that priming exercise can help reduce your
46:59
Speaker 1: stress and anxiety and make you feel calmer in moments
47:02
Speaker 1: of like distress. So that is all. Please rate, obviously
47:06
Speaker 1: five stars, review and share the podcast with your friends,
47:10
Speaker 1: your family, your dentists, receptionist and their dog. Just everyone.
47:15
Speaker 1: Love you guys so much. That is all for today.
47:18
Speaker 1: As always, remember, be kind to yourself, be kind to
47:19
Speaker 1: your brain. Don't take shit from anyone and especially don't
47:22
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Danke.