Latest / Relatables / EP 34 - MENS ISSUES? W/ALEXIS FERNANDEZ or DYFM

Transcript

EP 34 - MENS ISSUES? W/ALEXIS FERNANDEZ or DYFM · Relatables

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, I feel like this is maybe the most relatable
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: emotion or feeling for anyone that's gone through it. I
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: wanted to ask and start the episode with what actually
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: happens to your brain after a breakup? And why is
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: it so hard emphasis on this to stop thinking about
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: that person for so long?
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: Okay, So it's almost like a withdrawal in a way.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: That's why it's so hard to stop thinking about that person.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: It's kind of like if someone you know is addicted.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Not that love is addictive, but when you have a
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: constant source of something and then you remove that thing altogether,
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: you have somewhat of a withdrawal, you know, you feel
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: a massive void. And that's why I always recommend when
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: someone's heart broken, you have to do as much as
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: you don't feel like it. You have to do as
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: many things as possible to fill that void emotionally and physically.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: So you need to be going out and doing things
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: with your time. You need to be going out and
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: spending time with people that really make you feel nurtured
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: and supported. You need to be having and ideally different
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: things that you would normally have done with your partner.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: You want to kind of draw a line in the
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: sand between your old self when you were with them
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: and your new self moving forward. So then you start
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: to notice a distance between that was me with them
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: and this is me now. If you just live the
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: exact same life and the only thing that's changed is
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: as is the absence of that person, you are going
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: to really suffer. Even more so.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: Is that when you fall into like toxic tendencies. Because yes,
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: I would like to say I'm fairly healthy in a relationship,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: but the one breakup I've been through, I would catch
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: myself maybe going to check out a profile.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: Of course, of course, because it's the void, and so
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: you're trying to fill that void with them.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Yes, what people do?
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: They have this void and someone invites them out here,
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: like the last thing I want to do is go out. No,
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: I'm going to stay at home. I'm devastated. And then
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: you're thinking of them. You're playing really sad playlists list,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: You're going through their thing. You're trying to you know,
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: piece bits of information. They watched my story, What does
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: this mean?
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: Now?
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: They must want you know, A lot of the time
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: you watch your extra story because you actually want to
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: check in that they're okay now, because you're into that,
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: and so then people think, do they want me back?
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: They're watching my stories, So you just start creating all this,
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: you know, and then separate to that. What also happens
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: in your brain is emotional pain is processed very similar
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: to physical pain, like similar areas are lighting up in
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: the brain the pain pathway. So you're actually experiencing pain
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: like physical.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: That's why it hurts.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Actually your heart hurts. It's a weight on your chest.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: It is like what it's actual.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: That makes me feel.
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: The last I've had one breakup that was like actually
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: like heartbreaking, and I remember when I was going through it,
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: my dad he obviously was like noticed and he and
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: he like, he sent me a link and he said,
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: and it was a link explaining that going through a
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: heartbreak is not too dissimilar to grieving like the death
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: of someone. And so he was like, you're going to
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: go through like denial, anger, sadness, like all these different phases,
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: and so it actually kind of helped, Like.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: And you are grieving. It is a form of green,
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: especially when you have no control over the situation. If
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: someone's just left you and you still wanted to continue,
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: it's a different kind of grief than if you had
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: the power to end it. Because when you have the
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: power to end it, of course it's difficult for other reasons,
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: but at least you know it was for your right reasons.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: You had reasons. So, yeah, there is this. That's why
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: they say exercise is actually really good when you're heartbroken
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: because it releases and dolphins and dolphins are morphin.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: We've given that advice and stop saying that to get
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: a breakup heart break, call it the heartbreak pre workout.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: It actually is.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: It is.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: For me, it was running when I had my biggest heartbreak.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: I ran so much and that pocket of time after
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: the run was the only time that I was like,
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: I'm fine, I'm actually over it.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: And then you can sleep as well, just physically exhausted.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: The Relatables podcast is hosted by myself, Addie Clark ak Mummy,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: and my partner in crime, mister Jake Craig aka Daddy,
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: and today is a very special episode because we are
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: joined by Alexis Fernandez from the Do You Fucking Mind? Podcast? Hello,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: welcome to the Relatables.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: Thank you for having me.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Can I ask how you named your podcast? Yeah?
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: Actually I wanted to do the podcast. I had the
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: concept for it. I had the first at least two
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: episodes in my head, at least planned out, and I
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: was sitting with my cousin and I said, I want
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: the word mind in it. I wanted, all mind, do
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: you mind.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Do you this?
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: And she said, well, you swear a lot, so what
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: about do you fucking mind? And I was like, dn
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: John And it was a three minute conversation, and I
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: just I didn't really think too much about it. I
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: didn't think it'd be a big podcast at the time,
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: so I thought my great.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Funnily enough, I was sitting down to my girlfriend last
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: night talking about like what we're going to talk about,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: and I listened to like even more episodes in preparation
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: for it. I was like, I love how she swears
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: and the way you swear, because we're like, for some reason,
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: we don't swear that much and we've like settled down
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: on it for some and even Lucy and Nikki your
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: friends with them, they swear like a fair bit to Yeah,
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: we've lost out, we're not busy anymore.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: I know that's what I think, because I've got I've
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: got an okay us listening bass and they say Oh
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: my god, you've you've actually introduced me to the casual
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: use of the world. Can't like in the state.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: When you say it feels so proper. When we say
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: I don't know, it feels like I don't know.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: It just feels a bit I know, I know, And
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: I sometimes think I've had feedback and they're like, it's vulgar.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: I love you, but I can't listen to you.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: That's part of being Australian, I think, isn't it In Australia.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: If you finish it with a hard tea, it's bad.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: But if you if you run it out with a
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: bit of just like a bunch of ends. Yeah.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: And if it's not you know, if it's part of
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: a flowing comonversation and the emphasis isn't on the world,
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: then it's a compliment exactly.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Yes, But we're super excited to have you here.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: And I was saying beforehand, Jake and I on the podcast,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: we started doing deep segments, which is either to educate
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: ourselves or talk about like life experience and we give
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: advice to our audience, the batties. But we've always felt like,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: in a sense like we don't really know what we're
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: saying yeah.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: True, no, yeah, we never really know, and then also
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: a lot of dilemmas we get sometimes we're like, yeah, okay,
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: you guys came to the wrong.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: We try our hardest. We even went through a phase
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: of like we used to dissect ted talks and bring
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: them to the podcast and then it was a good idea,
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: but we won't write people to know it.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: Then like we have no idea, but we'll.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: I Before I give advice as well, I like to
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: cover my ass by being like from my perspective, like
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: my life experience, this is what I would.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: Based on what I've personally experienced.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. And your background is neuroscience.
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: Neuroscience, yes, and is.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: That a universe yeah?
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: Masters. Yeah, so I did my undergrad years earlier. I
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: took quite a few years off. I was living in France.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I was kind of, you know, fucking around, and then
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: I re said, what it did my master's degree in neuroscience,
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: which is amazing.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: It was the best.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: It was honestly the best, Like, yeah, yeah, it was really.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: It was a lot of work and there's a lot
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: of things you have to remember, but coupled with that,
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: it was also fascinating. You know, you'd go in and
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: you'd learn how three day vision works. Then one day
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: you're dissecting brains. It's a great it was a great
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: thing to study. Yeah, yeah, I loved it. Loved it
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: Like I have.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: Before we start like asking some of our questions.
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: I so I went through a pretty classic, I would say,
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: like young male phase where I wanted to start reading
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: a bit, but I thought, I'm just going to read
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: self help books because you know, I want to be better.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: And then I randomly found this book called The Brain
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: by David Eagleman, and this guy is a neuroscientist, and
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: he just like was It was just all about random
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: different things about the brain.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: And to date, it's like the most interesting book I
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: have ever read.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: I've never read that song, so it's.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Very easy to read. I might read it and be like, oh,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: To me, I know, but I still do enjoy those
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: books even when you know. But sometimes it's nice when
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: it's you know, framed differently through a different angle or lens.
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: I love telling people that humans are We're live wired
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: and and most animals are pretty hard wired. We're taught
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: pretty much everything like we don't we're not when it
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: comes to say racism or sexism or misogyny, Like that's
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: a larnt.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like conditions, whereas with like.
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: Most animals like that they can walk straight away because
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: they are just like born with fine food, run away
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: from predators.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, blah blah blah.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: It's pretty it's incredible. It's my coolest fact that that's
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: a good fact.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: But to start, we wanted to to chuck all of
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: us in the deep end. I'll say, we get a
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: lot of dilemmas about relationships and in particular the male
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: counterpart being addicted or affecting their sex life with him
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: being addicted to porn. Yeah. I think it's a massive thing.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: That's a shift that's happening because from a young age,
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: boys are just chucked into the deep end with like
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: making it so normal to watch porn so easily accessible. Yeah,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: and like even in friendship groups with like dudes. I remember,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: I don know how old we were, maybe like fourteen, fifteen, sixteen.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: I was in year seven when I was introduced to it,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: and everyone starts talking about it and it just becomes
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: so normal. But we don't really know the repercussions of
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: porn in relationships. Now that people our age twenty five,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: twenty six, twenty seven are getting into actual relationships, they're
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: seeing the repercussions of a long term of their actions,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: and we get so many dilemmas that like say one
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: that dick isn't working unless they do a certain thing,
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: or to yeah that to their their too dependent on
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: porn and they like that over having sex.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: Yes, that's a real why about it?
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, And I guess it's also an addiction in
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: a sense. So we wanted to start and ask like,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: have you seen that shift in men being more addicted
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: to porn and what is kind of the why is
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: that happening? Do you think? So?
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: I think yes, I have, And I also have a
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: lot of listeners that write in about their partners who
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: have a porn addiction. I actually recently did an episode
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: on it as well, because I was like, it was
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: just a question. I thought, this is a whole episode
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: that I need to do about this. And so, I mean,
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Porn's been around in some way, shape or form for
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: a very long time. The problem is just like a
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: lot of things, it's just so accessible now that you're
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: taking it and blowing it up. So what used to
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: be just a smaller percentage of the population that would
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: have this issue. It's now bigger and bigger and bigger
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: percentage because it's so accessible. Kind of the same with
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: you know, even when you look at social media, people
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: being addicted to their phones and whatever. There's probably there's
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: always going to be a percentage of the population that
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: has kind of a tendency to addictive behaviors. But now
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: so you're seeing more and more and more of it.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: And it's because it's just too easy for us to
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: have it. And it's you know, and when you when
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: you look at relationships, exactly what you were saying, it
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: impacts the relationship negatively because lying number one and lack
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: of sex in the relationship, because the in general, let's
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: talk about you know, the female, she wants to have
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: nice emotional sex. And it's not to say that she
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: can't be adventurous either. A lot of the women that
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: write to me, they say, I don't mind trying new things.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: I don't mind, you know, that's not the issue. But
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: I'm looking for intimacy. And when I've got emotional intimacy,
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: then I can explore and do different things. But I
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: can't have a switched off guy who is only paying
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: attention to porn, porn, porm and porn, lying about it
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: when I know he's doing it, and then the one
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: time we do have sex, he wants to go all
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: the way to this extreme thing. She's like, I'm you know,
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: I'm not into it. I don't feel nurtured in the relationship.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: I don't feel like it's a safe space anymore for
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: me to want to do that, and therefore I pull away,
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: And so then you get more and more and more
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: of a divide. So it's not saying I refuse to
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: do anything else, like a lot of women are like,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: I'd love to be a bit more adventurous, but you've
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: not created a safe space, and don't I need emotional
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: intimacy first from a partner.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah, I agree, and I feel like a safe
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: place is the best way to put it. But a
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: lot of women just say, like, you haven't like turned
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: me on enough, yeah to get there right, And that's
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: just what I feel like a lot of men would
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: have heard that, Like, you haven't really done the work
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: to get me to the position where you have this
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: unreal expectation if we're going to do all this crazy shit. Yeah, yeah,
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: but you haven't really made that safe environment.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: And I guess one of the damaging things is, like,
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: you know, with having access to porn at such a
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: young age, you know, you go like as a man,
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: you start eating, puberty testos runs up and you are
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: horny and then so you watch porn and it's like
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: you just like you have you're not taught that. There's
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: like a bill up to things like you're not taught that, like,
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: you know, what's it called not oral? What's it called
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: when you're like, what's the build up to sex called again?
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: Four ploor player? You're not taught that.
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: Like four play can start in the morning before you
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: guys even go to work talk I know exactly.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: Four play is a flirtatious gesture something you know, cure
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: a text halfway through the day. It's a build up
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: through the day where there both of you are playful
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: during the day and you're you know, you're suggesting this
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: that there's a little and then by the time you
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: see each other in the evening, then it's like I'm
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: into it. I'm into this, of course I want but
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: you don't. You can't make it this transactional thing because
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: that's not what a relationship is about. If you only
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: wanted transactional sex, then there's no point being in a
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: relationship and expecting your partner to just be there when
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: you want exactly how you want it. That's not a relationship,
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: you know. And so I think that's where you know,
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: like even you know, decades ago, there were magazines the Playboy,
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: They're this, so you know, they always that excitement, and
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: especially for boys, young men, I feel evolved sexually differently
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: to young women. Not even I feel they do. But
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: even then, I feel like it wasn't as accessible. There
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: are probably more conversations about it as well, because it
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: wasn't so accessible. You've got this one magazine that you
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: stole from your dad's thing, you know, whereas now if
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: you have access to the internet, you can kind of
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: go down this dark hole of just you know. And
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: that's where it gets really concerning, because they will isolate
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: themselves because they've got this outlet, and they initially feel, oh,
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: this is an outlet. I'm feeling really horny. This is
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm trying to explore my sexuality. I'm trying
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: to explore and so they've got this outlet, but it
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: ends up being very isolating, and that's where it becomes
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: an issue where they're not actually talking about it, they're
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: not expressing their real desires and why that's a desire.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: The other thing is when people get desensitized, especially when
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: it's an addictive behavior and you're doing it alone, you
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: then start finding the next thing. I want that hit,
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: I want that hit, I want that hit, when you're
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: not coupling it with some that is earned, like you know,
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: a relationship where there's like give and take, and there's
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: you know, you have to earn it. It's kind of
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: like anything that feels good that's going to feel good
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: forever requires efforts. Anything that feels good that requires zero
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: effort is eventually going to feel bad. So that's how
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: you want to look at it.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: Does men getting addicted to it start from the actual
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: addiction of an orgasm? Are they addicted to the sensation
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: or looking at different sorts of porn? Do you know?
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: I think it's more so they're addicted to it's a thrill.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: It's not the orgasm itself. It's more it's that shock factor.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: It's that like it starts off as the orgasm, because
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: that's kind of the biggest thing they've experienced. But if
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: it was the orgasm, then they could go for similar
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: content every time. The issue with porn is that for
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: a lot of men, they start to push the boundaries.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: It's like, that was really exciting, the adrenaline rush, and
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: so now I'm going to find something that's even more
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: intense and more intense and more intense. So then they
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: start going to these extreme things, and that's why then
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: it also calls a divide in their relationship, because not
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: only are they addicted to porn, but they're watching content
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: that if their wives knew or their girlfriends do, they'd
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: be horrified. They'd be like, why do you find that attractive?
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: And it's not necessarily for a lot of men, it's
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: not necessarily that they find that one thing really attractive.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: It's I'm pushing the boundaries. Now, I'm pushing it. I'm
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: pushing it. And then even they themselves on a moral level,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: if they rewound, if they were able to rewind time
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: and look back at what they're watching now, they themselves
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: would be horrified because they'll be like, but that's not me,
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: and that's not really who I'm mean to.
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: I was just it's kind of like a drug addiction,
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: like this thing called there's like this you can get
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: post nut clarity, right, it's like the whole thing of
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: Like I've had conversations with friends about it when we
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: were younger, maybe like eighteen bit younger or whatever, how like.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: We would relate in a sense.
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: They'd be like, oh, yeah, when you are watching porn
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: and you finish, you're kind of like, oh, you turn
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: it off straight away.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: You're like, what have I just done? Like that's right,
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: and like the fact that that's even a thing, Like
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: I've never ever had that with my girlfriend. I've never exactly,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: I've never had an orgasm and with my girlfriend and
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: they've been like, what have I just done? You know
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: what I mean?
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: This is every man's line to themselves if they have
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: never experienced the like oh and turn like porn off
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: straight away?
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then thought because it's like it's a rush,
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: it's a rush, it's the best thing ever. And then
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: the moment it's over, it is that clarity. It is
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: that sense of well I've had that peak, I've had
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: the high. And then they reflect back and say, oh,
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: I'm a bit shameful now I feel a bit of
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: shame because I don't like my character doesn't actually relate
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: to that or doesn't actually see myself in those things.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: And so that's why it's also quite private. You know,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: they don't really share it with their partner because ye.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: And all the dilemmas we get baddies our audience asking
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: what they can do for their partner who's going through
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: something like this, and a lot of men say there's
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: a scale or on different levels to the scale of
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: how addicted they are. But I would unfortunately say a
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: lot of men are going through some type of porn
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: addiction in a sense, and it's affecting their relationship because
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: we get we have like a document with like three
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: four thousand dilemmas, and I reckon one in five is
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: about sex in the bedroom in their partner relating. Yeah,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: lately it's been steering towards that ada, So what can
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: you do in a relationship if you're a partner in
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: this sort of situation, because.
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: It's not it's not the woman's problem, it's like that's right,
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: but it's like coming out affecting sex.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: Lifees, it's massively affecting their sex life and more sotain
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: you know what a lot of women as much as
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: they because women do really value a good sex life.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: But with and I've noticed a common theme with women
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: in general, it's if all the pieces aren't there, I
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: don't want it. So it's like they could really be
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: missing out on sex. But they're also not going to
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: take bad sex. They're not going to take sex from
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: someone who wants it in a certain way where they're
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: not getting anything out of that. That's it's like, no,
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: it's either going to be sex but we both come
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: to the table, or I don't want it at all,
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: even if I'm missing out. I think what's really important
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: is Number One, you have to know that your partner
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: wants to change. A huge theme is the partner pretends
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: they want to change. Yes, I'll say no, no, I promise,
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: I promise, I'm changing. I promise. I had a listener
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: recently and she wrote in and she said that her
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: husband was promising, no, no, no, I'll change, I'll change,
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: I'll change. And she then left the house and she's
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: got this doggie cam on and the doggye cam alarm
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: went off, and she forgot that her husband was still
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: at home. She was just checking if her dogs kept
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: jumping on the couch and or something like that. It
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: was something really basic and innocent. She wasn't even trying
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: to stalk husbands. She had left the house not even
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: two minutes, and her husband already had porn on the
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: TV after he had promised her it's done. It's finished.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: My brother's my accountability buddy. I'm not doing it anymore.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: And so she's saying, this just shows that you were
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: counting down the minutes for me to leave the house
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: for you to do it. It's not even it's not
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: even like okay, like it was just so blatantly obvious.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: I could have come back in because I forgot something.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: That's how little you cared or how big you were
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: willing to risk something. And so the number one thing
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: is your husband has to do your partner has to
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: want that change. They also, I would really encourage that
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: person to then seek out proper accountability, like who is
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: going to be your accountability buddy, and why if ideally,
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: if you can afford it, a therapist, Okay, if you
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: can't afford it, then you need someone who actually is
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: going to be checking in and who isn't sharing in
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: the addiction as well, because if someone also has that
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: same addiction. Then you kind of start being each other's
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: You can be each other's enabler because they'll be like,
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: oh no, I get it too. I kind of all
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: so I hit it from right, and then you start saying, okay,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: well you're also hiding it. Now I feel okay, you
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: want someone who's that sounding board, but who's not saying
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: your behavior is okay.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, okay, that's We've never that. I would never
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: with thought of that. Yeah, we've said like the willingness
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: to change. Yeah, I think that.
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: I think a lot of the time I've been given
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: this advice lately. I don't know if he's the best advice.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: But sometimes it's like a dilemma where it's, you know,
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: I do not like pawn. My partner said that they
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: will not watch it, but I've caught them, you know,
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: OnlyFans whatever, and so I've been starting Someone left a
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: comment once about it saying like that's your standard, right,
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: Like that's your line, and you have to hold your
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: partner to that standard. And at the same time, you
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: have to hold yourself to that standard. So if you
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: catch your partner even though you've said, like this is
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: a deal, breaker for me. You then also have to
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: be like, well, I'm breaking up with you, yes, So yeah,
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know if it's good advice.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: So I do think it's good advice, and that that's
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: what it comes down to. When people talk about setting
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: boundaries and having ultimatums, I think they're very healthy as
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: long as you're willing to follow through. The issue is
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: that when you set a boundary or a standard and
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: you let that person break that boundary, all you've said
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: is you can walk all over me. Yeah, that's what
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: you're saying. And it's really hard. And I'm not saying, oh,
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm judging people that are. It's very hard
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: to walk away, but you have to be You have
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: to become a person off your word. And if you're
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: not willing to walk away, then maybe word the boundary differently.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: You know, maybe you should. If you're saying, why can't
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: I cannot lose this person, maybe you still should take
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: a few days off away from your partner, leave their presence.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: Maybe you know you need it. It's you have to
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: find a way. If it's not about ultimately, your job
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: isn't to punish your partner. If your partner has an addiction.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: If they're going to go down that path in their life,
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: that is really sad. But your role in life is
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: not to punish them for things that they do in
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: their personal life. It's to protect yourself. You got to say,
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: what do I ultimately want? Because I could stand here
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: and punish them and make them feel shit and do
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: all of that. But am I happy? Is this fulfilling
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: me at the end of the day. What can I
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: do that ultimately in the long term make me feel
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: loved and good And if it means leaving them for
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: myself in the long term not to punish them, then
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: so be it.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: You know. I feel like one of the hardest things,
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: especially when you're trying to protect yourself protect yourself, is
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: the conversations around sex, porn and everything like that. It
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: seems so taboo and to bring it up, like, yes,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: you want to set a boundary, Yes you want to
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: protect yourself, but then you're like, fuck, it's just like
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: it's like sex. It doesn't It doesn't feel like it
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: has the same magnitude, but it really does. It does.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: It does because with relationships, you knows it all comes
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: down to that feeling feeling safe in your relationship, like
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: your partner should be that number one person that you
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: feel the safest with. And safety comes down to emotional
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: trust as well. So if I don't feel like I
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: can trust my partner, how am I falling asleep next
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: to them every night feeling comfortable?
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: I'm not.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: I'm torturing myself thinking I'm sleeping with it and I
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: don't trust them. But then my life partner, it's crazy.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: And so I think what's also really hard for people
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: that are already have that porn addiction is they don't
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: find regular sex a thrill anymore. Regular quote unquote regular sex.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: It's real anymore.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: So that's why they say I can't get it up
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: with normal sex. I can't. It's because they're to turn
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: them on now. It requires something crazy, but that can
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: be reversed, it can, but it requires obviously abstinence, It
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: requires effort, It requires putting a lot of energy into
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: emotional intimacy as well. Ye, you start to feel really
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: validated as a person when you feel like there's that
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: flirtatious energy back, when there's that fun that band to
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: that true love and intimacy. I think they've gone so
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: far the other way. They think, oh, well, my wife
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: hates me now and now and I can't. But it's like,
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: but you've gone so far the other way. Try and
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: bring the emotional things back as well, the things that
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: made you really good friends as well, the things that
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: made you adore each other and find each other attractive
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: in the first place. And then that starts to build
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: on being able to find, you know, the sex that
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: you used to have exciting again.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like a lot of men they don't.
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: We've been doing the podcast for a while now, and
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: something that's come up a lot is that men are
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: just very emotionally inarticulate, and like I think for them
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: to sit there and admit, like, yes, I need like
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: my porn watching is a problem. Like men don't like
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: to sit there in shame. I feel like it's so
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: common that, like because it's it's probably a pretty common
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: human thing, Like you don't want to be like, yes,
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: I've hurt the person I love, of course, so I
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: feel like part of that is like you need to
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: like be able to sit there and admit to yourself
• 25:12
  Speaker 3: that you've hurt the person you love. And then also
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: like I guess you've got to forgive yourself for that
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: and just try and grow from that.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right, that's right. So you've got to be
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: in a position where I acknowledge what I've done wrong,
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: I feel I do, I feel genuinely bad, because that's
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: the first starting point. If I feel genuinely bad for
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: hurting the person that I actually do love, then that
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: is a good starting point because that there is a
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: lesson to be learned. If you think, oh, I feel bad,
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: they caught me, there's no lesson to be learned because
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: you're just gonna go and keep doing that thing. It's
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: that feeling of real remorse. Remorse is a very good teacher,
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: So I don't I think it really does serve a purpose,
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: and it's not the worst thing in the world to
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: feel guilty and remorseful because you can learn a lot
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: from that position and you can grow a lot from that.
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: So I think because a lot of people don't even
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: want to step into that, and they don't they might
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: not just us with their friends, then it is that
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: they're not really facing it and saying, Wow, I've done
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: something really awful, and how do I even remedy this?
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: How do I begin to repair?
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: People?
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: Think that if they admit that they were wrong, and
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: they admit that they really hurt someone, that the other
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: person's going to look at them and say, oh my god,
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: so you are you are shit, you are this, you
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: are that. But it's almost always the opposite. If someone
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: can admit their faults and really try and remedy something,
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: most people just have respect for that person.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: You know. That's such a good point.
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: And I feel like if someone said to me, like, yeah,
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: I just I'm really working on this like porn thing.
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: It's just it's got a hold of me, blah blah blah,
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to work on it, I feel like I'd
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: be like respect, you'd be so yes, I wouldn't be
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: like you're fucked.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: Like and trying to work on And it takes a
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: big person to be able to do that, To bear
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: themselves and talk about it, I think is a really
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: respectable trait in a person. It's a good mark on
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: your character. And so yeah, I think a lot of
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: people they're so worried about the judgment or that people
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: are going to as they come down on them hard.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: But often it's the opposite and it's met with, you know,
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: respect and compassionate.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: If someone was smoking came to me and said, like,
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to quit smoking and like I've got these
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: nicotine patches on.
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: My arm and I'm really struggling.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: Dude, wouldn't be trying. I would respect that if you're.
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: If your partner came up to you even even about
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: that's not an addiction. If you had an argument and
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: your partner comes up to you and says, you know
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: what I was wrong with what I said earlier, I
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: was wrong and I'm so sorry. You wouldn't be like
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: you're wrong. You would be like, that's just made me
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: love you even more. Like that, I respect you. You're
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: you know you're you're not so insecure that you can
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: actually come and you can name your own faults and
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: for the sake of the relationship. Like, if my partner
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: ever does that, I'm like, oh, I love you so
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: much more now, you know. It's a really nice trait
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: in someone who is not too proud to admit that
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: they've hurt you and that they're willing to repair it.
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: It's a really nice Yeah.
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: I feel like when I was younger, there's I've got
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: moments where I was probably pretty proud and I look
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: them back on it, I feel like I'm not a
• 28:07
  Speaker 3: very proud person anymore.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Like I just which is great a bit more go
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: with the flow type thing.
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: And I like to say that I'm just like the
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: least opinionated person ever, but like thinking about being proud
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: and like really standing ten toes down on stuff that
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: I just like don't even have that much knowledge on.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: Just like so much effort.
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: It is so much effort.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: It's so much and it goes into so many different aspects.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: It seems like standing on business. Yeah, but I guess
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: the other issue in the bedroom that a few issues
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: in the bedroom going on. Oh yeah, let's cover them all.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: I think that was great, is I guess men we
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: get a lot of dilemmas that say, my partner has
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: a different sex drive to me, and our sort of
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: advice would be yes, that's possible. But a lot of
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: the time their testosterone levels are either very low or
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: there is now a trend where men's testosterone is lowering
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: in today's society. What do you what are your thoughts
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: on that and why do you think that's happening?
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: Well, there's many many like with hormones, obviously, hormones are very,
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: very very complicated, and there are many things that do
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: contribute to hormone fluctuations and testosterone in particular. There's things
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: such as like any kind of addictive behavior, behavioral or
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: chemically will affect your testosterone. So even things like like
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: really compulsive phone use and things like that, poor sleep. Yeah,
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: like people and like obviously not it's not necessarily completely direct,
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: but people that use their phones a lot, a lot,
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: a lot a lot, that's affecting many other areas of
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: their life. That's always going to affect their sleep. It's
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: going to affect their focus, it's going to affect their drive,
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: their motivation. All those things will affect your testosterone. Poor
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: sleep is a huge one. If you have really poor sleep,
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: if you're not well rested, if your recovery isn't good,
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: your testosterone will suffer. Sedentary lifestyle is another really big one.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: If you're not moving, not just working out, because of
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: course that's really good for your testosterone, but moving regularly
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: throughout the day. We don't want these huge patches where
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: you're not moving through the day. Yeah, So overall like.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Physical Sorry I'm laughing because you're just talking about my
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: life on the phone. Last night.
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: Last night, I was like, I like had work to
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: do on my laptop and I was on my phone
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: sitting on the lounge in one of my dogs, and
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: I was like scrolling tea talk and I just like
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: physically couldn't get up to do the work. Yeah, I
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: had a bad sleep the night fry is going to
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: be Yeah, is bloody?
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: Does that go hand in hand with testosterone and men's
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: fertility rates?
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: Well, testosterone definitely can affect fertility rates, for sure, it can. Yeah,
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: And so yeah, a lot of the time when we're
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: looking at because obviously I'm no fertility expert, but when
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: you look at you want to look at overall population changes,
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: like what's happening that's different in a population where you
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: are seeing a drop in testosterone in general, And I
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: think it does have to do with like if I
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: look at society's lifestyle, and I'm not referencing any science
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: papers here. So this is a generalization for sure, But
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: I should say, we're going to take.
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: I have a license to say whatever we want now,
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: I don't have to say I saw on TikTok, say
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: I'm not referencing.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: A journal article. So it's a generalization.
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we used to say, because everything we gets from
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: TikTok on social media, we used to start saying like, oh,
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: I heard on the radio.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: I heard on the radio. Yeah, and that's it, and
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: then you can say whatever you want. But yeah, no,
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: but you are saying, you know these these you know,
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: addictive behaviors. But broadly, people on their phones all the time.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: So many people have sleep problems these days, and I,
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm a I believe that it's because of
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: our phone use. It's because we are so addicted to
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: our phones and that is causing people. You know what,
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: it's so easy to be really smart in today's day
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: and age compared to your your cohort, because there are
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: so many people that are giving away their attention and
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: their focus that if you just learned how to hone
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: in on your focus and your attention, you could rise
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: the ranks very very quickly. I always say that to people.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: It's like, you'll be quite amazed at what would happen
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: if you just learned to curb your phone use and
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: really use your attention and your focus to good use.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: You'll be amazed. You sleep better, you wake up on
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: you're on you're going to exercise, more. You're going to
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: be up moving around more. You just get more done.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: More you more time, You're gonna be what are doing?
• 32:41
  Speaker 3: You have so much more time I spend If I
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: put my phone down every day, let's just say I
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: just threw my phone in the ocean. Yeah, and I
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: spent every minute I spent on my phone, I spent
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: learning a new like task, how to knit or.
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: The world you know you would next a couple a
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: couple of days ago, I put my Instagram icon on
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: the phone on the third page of my iPhone. Yesterday
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: I logged on for like two minutes. That was it
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: the whole day, and I was like, this is crazy.
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: It was just like, it's because the moment you scroll,
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: it gives you that hesitation and you think is it
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: worth it? And if you're going on just to scroll, don't.
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: If you're going on to reply to a DM, to
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: upload a story, do Like. It's not saying never use
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: social media. It's like, I need to make this way more.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: Use it for its purpose, Use it intentionally. If I
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: love sending my friends some like hilarious things, use it.
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: If watching my friends stories makes it great. The problem
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: is when you click on something and then you're scrolling
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: and that's an issue. So it's like, how do I
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: find that sweet spot?
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: And for me, I'm very fulfilled if I only spend
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: maximum twenty minutes a day on Instagram.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: We bought these brick things once Jake introduced me to them,
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: and it's like, you can tap this little device and
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: it locks your phone from all social media. Amazing for
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: a certain amount of time. You unlock it by tapping
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: it again. Yeah, in your phone to take an Apple
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: pay thing.
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: But it looks amazing.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: That works for a month.
• 34:04
  Speaker 3: And then I just was like, one, I just one day,
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: I obviously made the decision of I'm not going to
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: brick my phone.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: I never use it. Stopped bricking and that's the thing.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: And then yeah, and break the habit.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah.
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: Interesting.
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: On the topic, we one more thing we find that
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: happens in with these dilemmas we're getting about sex and
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: porn all that stuff is we've had a few lately
• 34:27
  Speaker 3: about people worried about the frequency in which they're having sex.
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: So we've had one of them was they've been together
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: for a few years now, they've moved in together, and
• 34:36
  Speaker 3: then went from having sex maybe like four times a
• 34:39
  Speaker 3: week to once every two weeks, okay, and they and
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: they worry about it, and they don't think their partner's
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: watching porn because every time they have sex, like they
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: come really quickly.
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: And it's like it's good, it's fine.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they think it's fine, blah blah blah.
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: And then so in that scenario we have we we
• 34:55
  Speaker 3: actually did it with Lucy and Nikki and then we've
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: done it a couple of times now. We we think
• 34:59
  Speaker 3: it's applying demand type thing where it's like when you're
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: dating and you don't live together, you're not together that often.
• 35:07
  Speaker 3: So when you are together, you maximize all the time
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: you've got, and then when you do live together, you're
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: just together all as well.
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: So that's right, yes, And I feel like the early
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: days of dating there's a lot of that sexual chemistry.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: There's that a lot of that you know, excitement there,
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: so you likely are going to have sex more often.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: But another thing is with relationships, you're going to go
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: through seasons as well. There's going to be certain things
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: that there will be a season where you know your
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: partner's just not that sexual. And that's obviously if you're
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: already factoring for yet, No, we do get along, we
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: are spending quality time together because there's all these things
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: that you want to make sure you're ticking off as well.
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: A lot of people think that because I've moved in
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: with my partner, now I just spend so much time
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: with my partner. It's fine, but what are you doing
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: for quality time? There's a massive difference. If I was
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: going on four dates a week with my partner and
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: we were going out for dinner or doing this or
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: doing that nice walk, whatever, and then we move in together,
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: all of that's gone, not necessarily, but what if where's
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: that you know, intimacy, where we build that and then
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: where it then leads to more sex.
• 36:10
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: So a lot of people think, oh, I've moved in,
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: now I'm just going to fill up all my free
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: time with doing this or that or with my friends
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: or whatever. So that's really important to note as well,
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: what are you still doing for quality time?
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: We had to just speak debate on the pot actually,
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: and Jake was arguing that watching TV with your partner
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: was quality time and I said, no, it's not. I
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: was like, yeah, it's putting effort and doing something like
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: going on a day, going for a walk or YEA
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: had that conscious decision where you two go and do
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: something together.
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: It's not just their yeah yeah, and it's just like
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: not just existing in the same room. It's not quality time,
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: whereas I mean, you could make it quality time, but
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: it would be more so. I think if you, for example,
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: going to the movies, I would consider quality time, and
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: it's technically the same thing. But I guess the difference
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: there is you're both setting a sad time. You're definitely
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: never on your phones when you're at the cinema. Likely
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: when you leave, you're really discussing in depth what that
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: movie was about, and you're sharing in your ideas, and
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: so it really does add to that experience. If you
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: could replicate that at home, and actually, let's say you
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: both love a series and you put your phones away
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: and you sit down and at the end you can
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: talk about it, then you could make that into more
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: of a quality time thing. But in general, no, you
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: want to make it something where you're having that conversation
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: and you're going to go for a nice walk, go
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: to your favorite cafe, have breakfast there and walk home.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: You know, little things like that. It doesn't have to
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: be that complicated. For it to be like, it doesn't
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: have to be the most creative date in the world,
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: but something where your partner feels really really listened to.
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: And have you guys heard of that bid for connection?
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: Think about the Gotman Institute. I talk about it all
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: the time. But it's basically where bids for connection were
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: a predictor to see if partners would get divorced after
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: I think it was six years or stay together. And
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: it's basically when a partner says any statement, it could
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: be the Gotman Institute.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: So look look this up.
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: You can here's your like reference to that. But basically
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: they use the example of like a bird. So your
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: girlfriend say, oh, babe, look at that bird. How you
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: respond to that is going to determine how intimate that
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: moment is going to be. So you could say, who
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: cares about the word. She probably doesn't even care about
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: the bird. But if you say, wow, actually haven't said
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: a bird like that in a while, you've just picked
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: up her bid for connection. It's really simple. She feels heard,
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: listen to, and then she might just great, that's all
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: I needed, and I feel connected. That's all I need.
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: Sometimes you might feel like you and you said, oh,
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: I can't. You might even say I can't believe that
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: thing happened yesterday, like it's and if she responds saying
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: I know, right, or if she goes yeah and walk
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: out the room, you'd be like, oh, that kind of
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: just dropped.
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, I felt that. But also, so I've never
• 38:41
  Speaker 3: heard of this bid for connection thing. So one thing
• 38:43
  Speaker 3: my girlfriend does all the time is we we we
• 38:47
  Speaker 3: can be in separate rooms, right and she'll like call
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: out my name and she'll be like, you have to
• 38:52
  Speaker 3: look at the dogs right now.
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: I did that on the side. They're in a cute position.
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: And because I feel as though I seen my dogs
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: in every cute position they could be, I'm like, maybe
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: like fifty percent of the time I look now, yeah,
• 39:07
  Speaker 3: so fifty percent of the time I'm.
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: Actually, uh, what is it taking the bid for connection?
• 39:12
  Speaker 3: And then fiftercent of the time I'm like, you're dropping
• 39:13
  Speaker 3: that big picky, And I'm like, Picky, please, I'm.
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: Just chilling scroll yeah, and I'll try and bat.
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: And then there's different ways that you can pick up
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: that bid. So you could you could say yeah, cool,
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: and that's better than dropping it. But you imagine how
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: excited would she feel if you go up and say,
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: oh my god, get a photo, she'd be like, she
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: gets this right, and then she feels great for the
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: next couple of hours, like she feels like, oh, that
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: was really nice. The dogs are so adorable. He agrees
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: with me, We've got the cutest family, and then she's
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: just on her on to the next day. It takes
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: thirty seconds, and that is such a strong predictor of
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: successful relationships, happy relationships, not just people that stayed together.
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, oh, I went together, like really happy connections,
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: and it seems so trivial, but it's.
• 40:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really it's that's a great great it's so
• 40:07
  Speaker 3: me being transparent and being like so at the start,
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: one hundredercent of the time, I would have gone over
• 40:11
  Speaker 3: and I would be like, yeah, that is so cute,
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: and so now it is it's definitely more down. It's
• 40:16
  Speaker 3: closer to fifty, right, Yeah, So it's like, am I
• 40:20
  Speaker 3: losing interest or is it just like that one particular scenario,
• 40:24
  Speaker 3: because like if she said, Jake, come look at this
• 40:26
  Speaker 3: bird outside, she never says that, so.
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: I'd run over and exactly, So what you could say
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: as well obviously playfully, but you could say, I want
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: you to peak if you're going to call me over
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: for the animals, Yeah, come on, top three moments in
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: the day, Okay, Like you've got to be so selected
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: cutest moments. You can't give me fifty. I love you
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: so much.
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: So if you pre empt it like that, that's true,
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: then there.
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: Isn't that expectation that you're going to meet her there
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: every time. You could like jokingly say I love you
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: so much. I know we've got the cutes dogs in
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: the world, but I want you to like top three
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: of the day. That's it.
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: That's it's not always just on you. It's still working
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: together exactly exactly. She couldn't say, like, look look at
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: this carpet.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: It's so clear, exactly, Like if your partner, like if
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: you've got a partner who's milking that left froight and center,
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: you can say, I love you so much, but you
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: can't be doing this three minutes.
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: Like I swear we're going to last more than six years.
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: But all right, Jake, I'm super excited for this one.
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: As the baddies might know, we have partner with Krispy Kreme.
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: We certainly have and we wanted to do something a
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: little bit different. Yep, let me tell a story. First picture,
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: Jake and myself sat in a boardroom with our team,
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: Krispy Kreme's team. We're brainstorming ideas. What could we do
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: to promote these delicious doughnuts. Oh yeah, we're thinking. There's
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: all these different scenarios. You can have them, you know. Yeah,
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: a birthday, yeah you could. You could be meeting the parents.
• 42:03
  Speaker 4: You can be meeting your girlfriend's parents at the airport,
• 42:05
  Speaker 4: first day of work, could be literally anything you have
• 42:08
  Speaker 4: a meeting on, like maybe a Monday. You want to
• 42:11
  Speaker 4: cheer everybody up, you know, any occasion pretty much, suits
• 42:16
  Speaker 4: or Krispy Kreme suits, pretty much any occasion.
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: And we're trying to brainstorm how to convey this message.
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: And as you know, we're quite the the musical talent
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: that we are. If you're new around here, we have
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: songs on Spotify. Yeah, and when occasion like this pops up,
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: we go, guys, did you know we're seeing Yeah? Yeah,
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: you don't know, we're not.
• 42:41
  Speaker 4: We We didn't add this in any sort of negotiations,
• 42:45
  Speaker 4: but you've really hit them.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: What's what's it called?
• 42:49
  Speaker 3: You've really struck gold here because not only are we podcasters,
• 42:51
  Speaker 3: but we are musical artists.
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: So what we thought we could do is come up
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: with some Krispy Kreme jingles.
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, so we've we would like to confirm that
• 43:10
  Speaker 4: that we got this over the line.
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and we are. We're gonna write a jingle
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: for Krispy Kreme.
• 43:15
  Speaker 4: You know, we thought you guys are really missing something here, yeah,
• 43:17
  Speaker 4: and we can come with the goods Yeah yeah, yeah, but.
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: You're really missing someone here. And then we showed them
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: our songs and they just said, yeah, you guys are
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: you guys are perfect for this? They said, what have
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: we been doing? Yeah, yeah, what have we been doing that?
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: You guys are perfect for this. So this is going
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: to be another Jake Versus in a Krispy Kreme jingle off.
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: So come back next week to hear should we come
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: with our lyrics?
• 43:45
  Speaker 4: Jake next week? So yeah, we're gonna go against each other.
• 43:48
  Speaker 4: We're gonna write at one jingle each and then it's
• 43:53
  Speaker 4: so next week we'll come with so we'll both have
• 43:56
  Speaker 4: our lyrics. Yeah, okay, So next week we both have
• 43:58
  Speaker 4: lyrics and we will obviously be showing each other the
• 44:03
  Speaker 4: lyrics and all of you baddies, and then at the end,
• 44:06
  Speaker 4: we're actually going to ask for the baddies help and
• 44:09
  Speaker 4: you guys can vote on who made a better Crispy
• 44:12
  Speaker 4: Cream jingle.
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so that'll be not next week, but maybe the'll
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: week after. Yeah, is there going to be a competition.
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I feel like I'm gonna take away
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: this one. You think you're gonna you think you're gonna
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: sweep before with me or we should probably preface. Actually,
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: so when we made our songs, they were ten out
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: of ten's. Jake won the first Jake versus Audie, so
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: that I think what was that one? We had to
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: go via streams? Yeah, yeah, and Jake one. And I'm
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: feeling confident this time because I've learned from my mistakes.
• 44:40
  Speaker 4: Ah okay, see like the way you think, Yeah, you
• 44:44
  Speaker 4: learn from respect, sorry, you learn from your mistakes, and
• 44:46
  Speaker 4: I learned from our wins.
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: I thought you were going to say I don't make mistakes,
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: that would have been better learn mistakes, and I don't
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: make mistakes. Stuff out, So yeah, you learn from mistakes
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: and I don't make mistakes. That's I know. I'm gonna
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: come back next week. To hear the lyrics to our jingles. Actually,
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: so we had other things I wanted to talk about,
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: but I actually want to do so being a neuro
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: scientist so cool, it really is. I'm just a carpenter.
• 45:30
  Speaker 3: We had some other stuff written down, but I wanted
• 45:31
  Speaker 3: to ask this is so something Oddie and I have
• 45:34
  Speaker 3: been talking about a little bit lately is moments where
• 45:37
  Speaker 3: we experience anxiety. And so for myself, I find the
• 45:44
  Speaker 3: only time I experienced anxiety is if I wake up
• 45:48
  Speaker 3: in the night and maybe I go and do it
• 45:50
  Speaker 3: we or something like that, and then sometimes I like
• 45:55
  Speaker 3: what it just am feeling like so anxious and I
• 45:58
  Speaker 3: never really know what it's about out and then I
• 46:01
  Speaker 3: struggle to fall back asleep, and then I'm kind of like,
• 46:03
  Speaker 3: then I start get anxious about losing sleep and stuff,
• 46:06
  Speaker 3: and sometimes I wake up. So sometimes I wake up
• 46:09
  Speaker 3: and it's just to do a week and then fall
• 46:11
  Speaker 3: back and then I'm like, why am I getting anxious?
• 46:12
  Speaker 3: But sometimes I wake up and I wake up and
• 46:15
  Speaker 3: it's like anxiety woke me up. But I never ever
• 46:19
  Speaker 3: feel anxiety during the day, never when I'm going to sleep.
• 46:22
  Speaker 3: It's always in the middle of the night.
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: For some reason. That's really interesting. That's really interesting.
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: And then I guess you remember you when we used
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: to live together, though you used to often say like
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: I just feel a bit anxious in the morning, but
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: then it's gone. But oh yeah, sometimes it's when I
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: wake up and then it's gone. Sorry.
• 46:39
  Speaker 3: Sometimes I wake up anxious and then fifteen minutes later
• 46:43
  Speaker 3: it's completely it's completely.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very very weird.
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: And dreams. Do you have any dreams that you remember?
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: Oh? Yeah, I dream a lot.
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: Do you think that they could be the country?
• 46:54
  Speaker 3: Sometimes? Yes, because like I've been reading a lot of
• 46:56
  Speaker 3: fantasy books lately. Sometimes I dream about that and I think, yet,
• 47:00
  Speaker 3: that was.
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: A stressful switch.
• 47:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so that could just be a bit of adrenaline
• 47:03
  Speaker 3: from the dream I just had. And then sometimes it's
• 47:05
  Speaker 3: just yeah, I just wake up and I'm like, well.
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: Is that from Spike Quarterso if something like if you
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: watch something crazy on TV or you read a book
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: and you're like, oh my god, my heart's racing, and
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: then you go to sleep and dream about it, does
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: that happen? Well? Yeah?
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: And I mean another thing is where maybe in the
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: morning it could have to do with your Quartersoon maybe
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: our cortisol is the highest on purpose in the morning,
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: and it should be that way. We should get a nice,
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: healthy spike of quartersol in the morning. It's what helps
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: us be alert, properly start our wake window of the
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: day and all of that. But it could be a
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: contributing fact if you already have that like anxiety that's
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: coming from maybe your sleep or maybe a dream possibly,
• 47:40
  Speaker 2: and then it's like exacerbating those symptoms and making you
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: feel you know, because a lot of anxiety also comes
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: from paying attention to your physical symptoms, and then it
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: exacerbates that anxiety because you're thinking, oh my god, I'm hot,
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, okay, this it's going right up. My
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: heart is beating it. And so one of the main
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: things that people recommend for people with you know, generalized
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: anxiety disorder is to take the attention away from their
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: body onto things outside for them, because focusing on your
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: physical symptoms makes it even more.
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: Is that why, Like people clean when they're anxious to
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: focus on something else.
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Like they're trying to distract themselves.
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: If I clean this and I keep it in my
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: house is whole clean, and then I'll be actually helps
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: me sometimes distracting you from the and like you feel
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: good because you feel accomplished. I guess yeah.
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: And also I mean the middle of the night is
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: not a good good thing for this, but also whenever possible,
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: like shaking off that energy as well, because when you
• 48:30
  Speaker 2: think of anxiety, if you look at like a good
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: example of this, you always look at the animal kingdom
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: to look at how they deal with things, and often
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: they do better than we do. But let's say two
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: birds are about to fight. They're act up, they're ACKed out,
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: they approach them for whatever reason, they dine actually end
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: up fighting. Let's look at like a swan or a
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: you know, the geese or whatever. If you pay attention
• 48:51
  Speaker 2: to the animal after they you know, the fight never happened.
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: They're flapping their wings, flapping them they're getting rid of
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: that energy, Like I can't harbor this energy to do this.
• 49:00
  Speaker 3: If we walk past like a fence and a dog barks, yeah,
• 49:03
  Speaker 3: and it freaks them out, they'll like work out and
• 49:05
  Speaker 3: then they shake their whole body. And my girlfriend's dog
• 49:07
  Speaker 3: Trainergy's like, yeah, they're just shaking off their emotions, Like
• 49:09
  Speaker 3: that's how they.
• 49:10
  Speaker 2: Get it set exactly, It's exactly that they've got to
• 49:13
  Speaker 2: use up that initial adrenaline rush. Otherwise it's going to
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: sit there and what's it going to do. It's probably
• 49:18
  Speaker 2: going to deserve anxiety.
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: Before exploring events. Everyone's just like tapping their legs.
• 49:22
  Speaker 2: Because it's that nervous energy and they're ready to which
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: is and you can. That's a good thing for a
• 49:28
  Speaker 2: lot of things. If you're going to go and perform
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: or compete or get on stage, you want some of
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: that energy. You want that because it makes you on
• 49:35
  Speaker 2: you you're hyper focused, you're you know, the issue is
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: when it goes off the charts and then it's just
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: too much and then you can't focus. You want that
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: sweet spot, but a lot of animals know how to
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: do that. Another good one with anxiety is that intentional sign.
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: It's like you're changing your physical state. You're going from
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: sympathetic to parasympathetic. Because when you're in that state of
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: like fight or flight anxious, you you know, you're breathing
• 49:58
  Speaker 2: is sharp, you're pulling your energy away from your digestion.
• 50:01
  Speaker 2: You you know, physicality completely changes. When you do a
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: really big sigh, you're not marrying up what your thoughts
• 50:10
  Speaker 2: are versus what your physical symptoms are you're almost tricking
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: your brain and you're saying, well, if I'm doing a
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: really long, relaxed sigh, I'm clearly not threatened, because when
• 50:17
  Speaker 2: you're threatened, you're not, like you just don't. And so, yeah,
• 50:21
  Speaker 2: so you do a couple of those big size and
• 50:23
  Speaker 2: already that's kind of swapping your states. You're going from
• 50:27
  Speaker 2: sympathetic to parasympathetic. So there's all these little things that.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: You can do.
• 50:31
  Speaker 2: Another really good one for fears and anxiety is this
• 50:35
  Speaker 2: name entertainment like if possible. Like you said, sometimes you
• 50:37
  Speaker 2: don't even know where the anxiety is coming from, so
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: it is hard in that sense, but if you can
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: pinpoint where it came from, then it's really good to
• 50:46
  Speaker 2: be like, I'm feeling anxious because of this, and you
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: say it, and then already you get your prefrontal cortex,
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: which is kind of your your executive function part of
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: the brain, to start talking to your emotional part of
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: the brain, and then it goes from catastrophic to yeah, no,
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: that is really annoying. But I've dealt with this in
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: the past, and before you know it, you can't. Yeah,
• 51:07
  Speaker 2: So there's all these little, tiny, little things that you
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: can do with your behavior that does help. Like I
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: sometimes I feel this kind of low level of anxiety
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: and it goes and goes and goes, and then I
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: pause and I think, when did this start? I need
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: to stop like carrying off with my day. I need
• 51:20
  Speaker 2: to start when did this start? And I can sometimes
• 51:22
  Speaker 2: trace it back to one email that annoyed me because
• 51:25
  Speaker 2: it maybe it was something that was unfinished, or maybe
• 51:27
  Speaker 2: it was something that was incorrect, or something was just
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: one thing, and I'm like, well, until I close that chapter,
• 51:33
  Speaker 2: whether in my head or if I can physically do
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: something about it, I'm going to keep feeling this way.
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: So I need to now try and remedy that thing
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: or decide that there's nothing I can do about it,
• 51:42
  Speaker 2: you know. So sometimes it's really nice to be able
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: to trace it back to the initial thing and you
• 51:45
  Speaker 2: realize it's actually not as big as I've made it
• 51:47
  Speaker 2: out to be in my head this whole day.
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: Does your background and education help you with when you
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: deal with things like anxiety.
• 51:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it does for sure, yes, yes, yes, because they
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: know what that happening. Yeah yeah, yeah for me, it
• 51:59
  Speaker 2: definitely don't help.
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: Times work in the opposite way too, And you're like,
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know why this is happening away.
• 52:04
  Speaker 2: Sometimes Yeah, sometimes I'm like I should know better. I should.
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: Does that make it worse? You're like, I'm so disappointed
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: in myself right now?
• 52:12
  Speaker 2: It's frustrating. Yeah, Yeah, it happens for sure.
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 52:24
  Speaker 3: Lately we have been talking a little bit about the
• 52:29
  Speaker 3: male leoniness epidemic and how I mean actually calling it.
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: I sometimes calling it that. I don't like calling it
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: that day, because like, is it an epidemic? It's a
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: good it's a good question. So basically we talk about it,
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: and it would be interesting to hear. So what we
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: think is that it's.
• 52:53
  Speaker 3: A big contributing factor is that women no longer quote
• 52:57
  Speaker 3: unquote need men anymore. And there seems to be a
• 53:01
  Speaker 3: bit of a trend where this like male loarness epidemic
• 53:07
  Speaker 3: is getting blamed on women. Yeah, and it would be
• 53:11
  Speaker 3: just like interesting to know your take on that, if
• 53:13
  Speaker 3: you've spoken much about it before, if you have anything
• 53:15
  Speaker 3: a little bit.
• 53:16
  Speaker 2: I have touched on it, and I think ultimately, especially
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: when it comes to because when you talk about the
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: male loneliness epidemic, it's specifically saying women don't want to
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: be with us. It's not saying I don't have male friends.
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: They're talking about it from a female versus male perspective. Yes,
• 53:33
  Speaker 2: so when it comes to that, it is true that
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: women don't need men to survive anymore. We just don't.
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: But if you look at most women that love a partner,
• 53:45
  Speaker 2: women love companion. Every person, most people in the world
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: love companionship. So what they're saying is I would rather
• 53:54
  Speaker 2: be alone than have a terrible companion. They're not saying, oh,
• 53:56
  Speaker 2: because I don't need you financially, I don't want anyone.
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: Women do love a good partner, but what they're not
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: willing to put up with anymore is someone who's going
• 54:03
  Speaker 2: to disrespect them, or take them for granted, or treat
• 54:06
  Speaker 2: them like lesser than them. And it's funny because I
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: look at every single man that is in my life,
• 54:12
  Speaker 2: whether it's a relative, obviously, my fiance, all my friends, boyfriends,
• 54:17
  Speaker 2: and husbands are the best. They're not remotely lonely. They
• 54:21
  Speaker 2: treat their partners with respect as they should, They're all
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: in happy relationships. They've all got really good friendships. I
• 54:27
  Speaker 2: look at how my fiance talks to his friends, and
• 54:30
  Speaker 2: they do open up more about things. They talk about things.
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: None of them are lonely. It's pretty basic. It's just
• 54:35
  Speaker 2: have some respect for people around you, and there shouldn't
• 54:40
  Speaker 2: be a difference in gender around how you treat them
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: or whatever. But women in general, they're just saying, I
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: am absolutely not going to be in a relationship where
• 54:47
  Speaker 2: you expect me to do absolutely everything and bear your
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: children and contribute fifty percent financially and then do all
• 54:53
  Speaker 2: the housework. I could honestly just do this on my own,
• 54:56
  Speaker 2: like and then you know, take the mental load happy
• 54:59
  Speaker 2: and then be happy have to have like another child.
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: And then you see all these men who never ut
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: to the word male loneliness epidemic because they're in respectful
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: relationships and they're having a great time. Look how many
• 55:09
  Speaker 2: men are there, Like what a pandemic. We're having a
• 55:12
  Speaker 2: really good time because we actually like our wives. You
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: know this this idea, you know that boomer energy for
• 55:16
  Speaker 2: like the old ball and Chrain. It was almost like
• 55:18
  Speaker 2: fashionable back then not to like your wife or like
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: the comments.
• 55:21
  Speaker 3: Honestly, it was like almost fashionable in our like friend
• 55:26
  Speaker 3: group five years ago, to like it's not that old.
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I.
• 55:32
  Speaker 3: Like I'm guilty of it too, like the sly like
• 55:35
  Speaker 3: you know, part of the group where one friend is
• 55:38
  Speaker 3: like not coming out on a night out and someone's like, oh,
• 55:41
  Speaker 3: like you're whipped, yeah or something like that, remember, and
• 55:44
  Speaker 3: then like everyone to chime in and be like, oh,
• 55:46
  Speaker 3: you're on the chain or whatever it's called.
• 55:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you're on which is the big one.
• 55:49
  Speaker 3: Yes, you're on the leash or whatever, and it's just like, yeah,
• 55:54
  Speaker 3: it's just like comments like that honestly five years ago. Yeah,
• 55:57
  Speaker 3: and I probably like we've just kind of separated from
• 55:59
  Speaker 3: our friend group be fair like a few years, and
• 56:03
  Speaker 3: like I wouldn't be able to tell you if it
• 56:04
  Speaker 3: still happens in our friend group, but it definitely still happens.
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: It's almost haking from a lack of respect, like you said,
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: in a sense of like we don't see them as
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: equals when we say comments like that, Yeah, that's right,
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: because you're just trying to be in love of your
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: partner and hang out with them, and then all your
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: friends are like you're fucking whipped, You're this, you're that.
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: And it's saying you're whipped like someone's got the whip
• 56:20
  Speaker 2: on you, instead of saying Wow, you're in love.
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: How nice?
• 56:22
  Speaker 2: Yes, how nice that you've got a good you know
• 56:25
  Speaker 2: they put the ownership on. Oh, she's trying to stop
• 56:28
  Speaker 2: you from It's actually crazy.
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: It starts at a young age when we don't want
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: to give it any excuses of saying we don't have
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: a developed frontal low but like we don't realize the
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: magnitude of what we're saying because you're fifteen sixteen, and
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: you just when you're hanging out of your mate, you're like,
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: you're fucking whip.
• 56:39
  Speaker 2: But it really does have repercussions as you get older, exactly,
• 56:41
  Speaker 2: and then if you don't question that that mentality or
• 56:44
  Speaker 2: why that's being said, then you just keep repeating, repeating, repeating,
• 56:47
  Speaker 2: and then you get older. You know, I remember, like
• 56:49
  Speaker 2: you said, it's actually not that old. I mean, yes,
• 56:51
  Speaker 2: the boomers whatever, But when you'd go to weddings and
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: the speeches would be like the wife would say something
• 56:56
  Speaker 2: really sweet and beautiful, and the guys they're cracking all
• 56:59
  Speaker 2: these drugs, like.
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: A hope, she lets me go out with my mate.
• 57:02
  Speaker 2: And it's like shut up, like why are you here?
• 57:06
  Speaker 2: Something like it's a sentence.
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: We think the same about buses, like we're like, why
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: do you need one night? And like you go to
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: a strip club or whatever, you go and entertain women
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: for one last three nights? The worst ideo crazy.
• 57:17
  Speaker 3: Sentiment Bucks nights and Hens nights and stuff have always honestly,
• 57:22
  Speaker 3: everything I was pretty young, I've always thought like, that's
• 57:23
  Speaker 3: such a weird concept.
• 57:25
  Speaker 2: It is such a good yeah, the last night of
• 57:27
  Speaker 2: free and like like and I'm lucky to say that
• 57:31
  Speaker 2: I haven't gone to a Hens where there's a stripper
• 57:32
  Speaker 2: in a very long time. But even I used to
• 57:34
  Speaker 2: be like, why do we have to have a stripper?
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: Such a nice time?
• 57:38
  Speaker 3: I think I was, Yeah, I think I said We've
• 57:41
  Speaker 3: spoken about in the podcast, like if we were ever
• 57:43
  Speaker 3: to get invited to a Bucks night and someone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
• 57:46
  Speaker 3: we're having strippers, we would be like not.
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: Going comfortable and it's crazy. But that's what we need
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: to start doing. Like that's a very weird niche oh
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: yeah thing, but you can start like we need to
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: start voicing that, like no, that's not on. It's not
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: okay to say say those things are going on.
• 58:04
  Speaker 3: It's the crazy thing about that, and like the crazy
• 58:06
  Speaker 3: thing about the where we live it is there's probably
• 58:11
  Speaker 3: people that listen to this, to what I just said,
• 58:14
  Speaker 3: or to when we said it a while ago, they
• 58:16
  Speaker 3: think like, oh wow, like what a respectful guy that's
• 58:19
  Speaker 3: like doesn't want to go to a strippers on a
• 58:21
  Speaker 3: Bucks night.
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: And it's like that the bare minim, like the minimum
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: or the bare minimum is so low.
• 58:27
  Speaker 2: It's so low like that, No, it is, I know
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: what you're saying, because that's now become the standard. It's
• 58:33
  Speaker 2: the standard. And when someone would say no, I'm actually
• 58:35
  Speaker 2: not doing it, it raises eyeb. I was like, wow,
• 58:37
  Speaker 2: oh my god, you've actually thought, but that's the crazy standard.
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: And it's you know, some people. And then because it's
• 58:43
  Speaker 2: become such a standard, a lot of women feel like
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: they can't say anything. It's like, oh, well it's a
• 58:47
  Speaker 2: it's a Bucks. I can't tell my partner that I
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable with him, so they kind of just you know,
• 58:53
  Speaker 2: and then it's just become the normal.
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: It's become such like a normal thing. Yeah. Well, I
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: feel like a lot of people listening to like for
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: your life, you get tunnel vision and your normal becomes
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: so normal. Yeah, And hearing other people talk about what
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: is really right or should be right, helps you get
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: a better vision of what the world should be. Yeah, yeah,
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: and it just terms of touch slight, little cold and
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: like maybe fucking sam over they could be doing a
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: little bit more, or maybe I don't have to do this.
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: Like I think that's actually what helps is there's small
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: little conversations.
• 59:20
  Speaker 2: Totally, and I feel like, you know, sometimes these guys
• 59:23
  Speaker 2: that bang on about the male Londoness epidemic, I'm like,
• 59:25
  Speaker 2: you're drowning in a glass of water. All you have
• 59:27
  Speaker 2: to do is open your eyes, look around and be like, wow,
• 59:31
  Speaker 2: if I actually treated this person with respect, all my
• 59:33
  Speaker 2: problems will go away, all of them. But I just
• 59:35
  Speaker 2: refuse to whit. It's because if this ego and they're
• 59:37
  Speaker 2: suffering too, they're not having fun putting people down to
• 59:40
  Speaker 2: if you have to put someone down to bring yourself
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: back up, you've actually not brought yourself up. You've just
• 59:46
  Speaker 2: constantly playing this game of how do I put this
• 59:49
  Speaker 2: person down? How do I instead of thinking what can
• 59:51
  Speaker 2: I actually make myself better? What can I do to
• 59:54
  Speaker 2: actually build myself up? It's exhausting putting people down around you,
• 59:57
  Speaker 2: and women and everyone, and then you're isolated. That's why
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 2: they're like, and I.
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: Think it comes out at this age. Now we're turning,
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: coming into our late twenties, early thirties, Like all those
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: things sort of add up and then you start to realize, oh,
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: all of my actions have made me lonely, lonely, but
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: I can't admit that.
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah exactly. It's like ego of like not being able
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 2: to you know, if someone came up to us and said,
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 2: I used to be like, you know, red pill kind
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 2: of guy, and I'm changing and that's not me anymore,
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 2: we'd be like amazing, Yeah, welcome, welcome.
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well it's interesting too because, like I guess that
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: red pill mentality also gives you a sense of belonging
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: exactly exactly, trying to act that loneliness that you feel,
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: so you can even admit that there's an issue and
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: I need to start respecting people. Or I can dive
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: into people who are lonely as well, and then I
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: feel community there. That's what happens.
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that gap. I always say that the gap where
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 2: you're trying to change is the loneliest place, because if
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 2: you are a miserable person, it's easy to hang around
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 2: other miserable people. If you are red pill it's easy
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 2: to find your community, and then if you're really happy
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 2: and social and kind, it's also really easy to on
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 2: your community. That gap you're trying to make the changes
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 2: very lonely, and people don't want to bridge that gap.
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 2: People don't want to take that journey because you have
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 2: to stop being the victim. You have to really turn
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 2: things around. You're going to lose friends in order to
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 2: make different better friends. And so they sometimes even though
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 2: they're not happy, they have their people. They're those people
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 2: that are really really like susceptible to joining a cult.
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 2: It's like you're you're hurt. We'll targets vulnerability.
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: And a lot of the sad truth is a lot
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: of young men are vulnerable and going to that sort of.
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that's why, that's why they're like easy prey.
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: With men as well, I find like.
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 3: They need a lot of it's almost like you can
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 3: I find you've either got men that are willing to
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 3: accept that, like say, for instance, that violence against women
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 3: is a men's issue, not a woman's problem, and it's like, yes,
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 3: that is obviously a men's problem, and the men that
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 3: are silent a part of the issue, and we need
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 3: to speak about.
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: It and stop this.
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 3: I feel like you don't really find, at least in
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 3: our experience, you only find there's like no one that's
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 3: in between. So it's like there's some men that are
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 3: just willing to accept that, you know, they're in the wrong,
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 3: or like just people that are willing to accept that
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 3: they've done something wrong. Maybe I don't know, but with
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 3: a lot of men, it's almost like they needed coddling. Yeah,
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 3: it makes sense, Like yeah, it's almost like how do
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 3: I even explain, Like I don't even know how to
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 3: articulate this, Like there's I would say maybe that I've
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 3: even used to be like this, like when I've spoken
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 3: about this, how when like the first time my girlfriend
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 3: pointed out that, you know, a major part like that
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 3: audio and myself are a part of the wider issue
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 3: of violence against women because like we have a platform
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 3: and we don't we aren't violent towards women, but like
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 3: we don't talk about it. Yeah, you know, we've never
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 3: spoken about it. And then like and we do like
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 3: talk about it a bit now. But I remember the
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 3: first time she told me, it made me feel so small,
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 3: and it was part of me that wanted to be
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 3: really defensive.
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I understand that. And I think it all
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 2: comes down to you know, when when you identify with
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 2: something or a population or anything that makes up part
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 2: of who you are, when someone then makes a blanket
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 2: statement or an attack on that population, you feel it's
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 2: an attack on you because I am a man as well.
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 2: Like if you say I'm a man and someone saying
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 2: men are this, then you're like, this is a personal attack.
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 2: Instead of thinking I need to draw a bit of
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 2: a divide here, I need to not like, how do
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 2: I take away the personal attack side of this, because
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 2: it's not a personal attack. Yes, I'm a man, but
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 2: what could that mean? How could I then actually contribute
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 2: to this? Because you know when people say not all men,
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 2: not all men, of course, it's not all men.
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 1: Of course, it's always a man.
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 2: And it's enough that it's become that standard of belief
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 2: for a lot of women that they have to be
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 2: cautious or that they have to whatever, and obviously it's
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 2: not all men. And like you know, when we talk
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 2: about our own personal experiences, especially with the men in
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 2: my life, I'm like, I can vouch for so many
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 2: great men in my life, but I still won't ever
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 2: walk down a dark straight at night ever.
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 2: So it's like it's still that and not because I
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 2: think a woman's going to come and jump.
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 1: Me, you know.
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 2: So it's that little thing of like, okay, well where
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 2: men feel the same way too, they just won't admit it.
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 2: If you had a sixteen year old daughter and it's
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 2: ten o'clock at night, do you want her getting into
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 2: a train carriage full of women or full of men? Women,
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 2: so you admit it like men admit it. So it's
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 2: that simple. They are aware themselves when men say, well,
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 2: what do you bring to the table, I'm the one
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 2: who's going to protect the house. Well, who's going to
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 2: come into a house a man?
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 2: So it's like all these little things that men are
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 2: super aware, but they weirdly put themselves in the same category.
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 2: It's like, no, there are two different categories. You can
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 2: be in that separate category. You don't have to see
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 2: yourself as the violent man. You're the other kind, and
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 2: you've got to speak up about that, you know, to.
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: Help you'll start from speaking up. Definitely. Yeah, I feel
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: like you could be an endless conversation, I know.
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so true.
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 1: Well, thank you very much for coming up that also,
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: I really enjoyed that taking. We end the episodes by
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 1: calling one of our listeners and they sign off the
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: episode with a quote. Jake asked for a riddle or
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: just anything you live by. So today we're going to
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: ask you if you could sign off the episode with anything.
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 2: Oh, okay, that's okay. A quote that I live by.
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 2: I've got a few, So I've got a I've got
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 2: a narrow down.
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: A riddle for Jacob out there at that.
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 2: I actually do have a very basic model that I
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 2: live by, and it helps me get through the really
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 2: like difficult or annoying times in my life. And it's
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 2: I say this to myself all the time, and it's
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 2: I live for this feeling. And I always say it
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 2: during a difficult time. So if it's like six am
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 2: and my alarm's gone off, I say, I live for
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 2: this feeling. I live for this feeling, which means I
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 2: live for the challenge, which then makes me look back
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 2: and say I'm glad I did that. If I'm doing
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 2: something like my last few sets of squats, I live
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 2: for this feeling, and then I'm not going to give
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 2: up because I'm saying.
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 1: No, instead of this if I say, oh, this is hard.
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 2: If I'm studying and I'm about to check my phone
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, just your time blocking, just do it,
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 2: and I say, I live for this feeling. I live
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 2: for when I'm under pressure and I can look back
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 2: and say I saw out that hour I got up,
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 2: And so I always say I lift this feeling. And
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 2: when I used to teach like fitness classes, I used
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 2: to say that to my all, my live this.
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 1: That would actually motivate me.
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 3: I like that.
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 2: Instead of being like a victim to your circumstances, You're like, no,
• 1:06:24
  Speaker 2: I've chosen to put myself here and for good reason.
• 1:06:27
  Speaker 1: So I live for this feeling.
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 2: I lived for the feeling of you know, I like
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 2: being under pressure. I was watching that Raphile Nadal documentary
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 2: and he was saying that he learnt to like suffering.
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: That's why I came so good.
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So it's a little thing.
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 1: Like that, that is that similar to.
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 3: I listened to an episode of Yours and it was
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 3: I think it was titled like five things you can
• 1:06:48
  Speaker 3: do right now to make to better your life. Yes,
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 3: And the last one that you said like really stuck
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 3: with me for some reason, and it was that nothing lasts. Yes,
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 3: is that sort of similar exactly, because you were saying,
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 3: so nothing good lasts and nothing bad lasts, and it
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 3: just like when you have that mindset, you just live
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 3: in the moment alone.
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, knowing that nothing good last and it could
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 2: it could evolve onto another good thing. But you're also
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 2: you're also reminding yourself this era that I'm living in
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 2: won't be like this forever, so I need to be
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 2: in it. It's no point always thinking about the future,
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 2: always it and then looking back being like, wow, I
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 2: actually didn't really cherish it in the moment. And of
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 2: course a bad thing you always remind yourself like in
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 2: three months time, I'll actually be okay, or maybe six
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 2: months it'll be break if it's a big.
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: I was driving it. I live on the Central Coast
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 1: and I was driving I was thinking, lo, this is it.
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 1: This is so fun.
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 3: When Yeah, I was on the phone to my mom
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 3: and I was about I needed I'm only twenty minutes
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 3: away and I needed to leave. And I was like, oh,
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 3: I got to go to work, and she goes okay, okay,
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 3: and I was like, yeah, I's got to go talk
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 3: for a while.
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 2: We really need to have the best job in the world.
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not going yeah yeah no, thank you
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 1: very much, thank you having loved it,