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39: Life Without Secrets w/ Jillian Riddell · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living
• 0:15
  Today's guest I don't know very well, but she is all over my social media feed, and I'm overjoyed to finally connect with her. Jillian Riddell is a former teen mom who defied the odds to become a valedictorian and certified leading expert in trauma and emergency nursing. She is highly regarded by those who need hope when obstacles seem too great to overcome. Sounds like the perfect fit for harder than life. Welcome. Thanks for having me. I'm super excited to be here.
• 0:43
  Yeah, it's long overdue. I see your bubbly, beautiful face and smiles and happiness and see you sharing with the world. And I messaged you and I'm like, let's get this thing going. And then we got you here. So I think this is going to be very special and I'm excited.
• 1:01
  First thing is I'm going to start deep because I was intrigued. I was reading in your bio. It says you've lived your entire childhood in secret. What does that mean? Right? What does that mean? So my dad actually hid me from his family. So just to give you a backstory here. So my dad had met my mom at a bar.
• 1:26
  And they kind of started dating. And my mom ends up pregnant down the road. And then he's like, oops, sorry, I'm married. And she's like, oh. My producer just looked up and went, what? Right?
• 1:42
  Most people do. And interestingly enough, my mom, you know, she didn't have a lot of self-confidence. And my dad decided he didn't want to tell his wife that this had happened. So instead, he decides to just keep me as a secret, thinking like, this is going to go well, right?
• 2:03
  Why would we do that? But he was a truck driver. And so he hauled cars and he would go around the United States delivering cars to all over the place. And when he was in the San Francisco area where I grew up, he'd do the San Francisco auto show. And so I'd get to see him like once a year.
• 2:23
  And so I had a relationship with my dad. But by the time I was like 10 or 11, I became an angry child. I had all these questions coming up because I knew about this other family that he had had. And I just thought like I just hadn't met them yet. And I would go tell everybody that I had seven brothers and one sister because he had five boys on his side. And my mom had boys as well. And then I had a sister on his side as well.
• 2:53
  And so I'd walk around telling people I had this ginormous family and part of them lived in Arizona and I just didn't know them yet. Well, at 11, I'm just angry. I'm having all these emotions and these questions coming up. And they're really, as a child, you don't really know where they're coming from at the time. So my mom takes me to this therapist's office and she tells her my life and how these people don't know about me. And this therapist just looks at her and is like,
• 3:22
  what? These people don't know she exists? And she's like, no. And my, at that point, that therapist made my mom tell me that I was a secret. And so I find out when I'm like 11 years old that I'm the secret. So you would think, okay, this is going to come out, right? Like it's, it's going to be okay. Like they're going to introduce her. No, that is not what happened.
• 3:52
  Because I knew I was a secret, I was then allowed to go with my dad during the summertime for like a week to two weeks and be in the truck. So we could go on commercial shoots for like Toyota, Chevy, because he would haul the cars. So I go with him and I'd be bouncing up and down in the passenger seat of his truck and on that dark highway, moving down the road. And then his wife would call.
• 4:21
  And I'd be sitting there extremely quiet, afraid to even chew on my gum I had in my mouth because I didn't want her to hear me. I didn't want to ruin my dad's life by accidentally moving or saying something and her hearing me. And so I was quiet. And as a teenager, these negative emotions kept coming up and I started questioning my worth.
• 4:50
  feeling alone, feeling like, where do I belong? Do I even matter? And what I did was try to fill that void in my life. So I kind of began looking for love in all the wrong places. We often do this. We try to put band-aids over those deep wounds that we have that band-aids aren't going to fix. So I ended up pregnant at 17 and,
• 5:16
  And I specifically remember one of my high school teachers say to me, Oh, you had so much potential.
• 5:24
  And I was like, ouch, that hurt. But I thought, okay. It was kind of like that moment in my life too, though, where I was like, it was a realization that I had two options here, right? I could become that statistic that teacher thought it would be, or I can choose to believe in myself and I can show those that doubted me that my life is not over, that it is just beginning. So I started college at nine months pregnant.
• 5:54
  I had my son on a Monday and I was back to school that next Monday. So I was like, maybe other people aren't going to believe in me, but I am going to believe in myself. So I took it one step at a time. I had, I aced one class, one test, and eventually I was valedictorian in my college and I became the ER trauma nurse that I am today.
• 6:20
  And so it's crazy because the two people in my life, which is your mom and dad, right, are the two people that you're supposed to be able to trust to guide you. And it was really hard for me to trust people in my adult life to fully like give into that. Because the two people that I thought were supposed to do that in my life really both lied to me.
• 6:46
  Right. And I mean, I love my mom. We're very close. And I'll be honest, my dad and I have a great relationship now. But it took time.
• 6:57
  And it took a lot of diving deep. And so I think a lot of us out there, what we do is in order to cover up our wounds, right? We put band-aids over them. And a lot of times they look like achievements. And if they don't look like achievements, they look like addictions, which could be alcohol, drugs, lust, drugs.
• 7:21
  And I see this as an emergency room nurse every day. I see people get stuck in those struggles and stuck in those negative emotions. And it just repeats like a cycle. And they're never actually getting out of that.
• 7:39
  And so on this journey, I felt like as much as I love being an ER trauma nurse, there was a gap between what I was doing and what I wanted to make people feel. I wanted to heal that child that I was. I wanted to make people feel seen, heard, and understood what I was lacking as a child.
• 8:02
  So that's what I do now. And that's why I started the podcast Life Without Secrets. Because the name not only is embodying like what we all need to do in living a life without secrets, which, you know, when we carry secrets, whether they're personal or hidden aspects of ourselves or children.
• 8:24
  They weigh us down. And what they do is they hinder our ability to fully embrace life. And they also create barriers to authentic connection, self-acceptance and personal growth growth. And that's why I was able to have a relationship now with my dad because it wasn't about me that he made that choice. It was about him and he hadn't healed himself. And what I know now is that
• 8:52
  Things happen for us, right? We've heard that, not to us. And I look back at my life and I'm like, who would I be? Like, who would I be if I had to like go to his house every summer or on Christmas break? I would be a totally different person.
• 9:08
  And I think like when we work on ourselves and we start to like who we are, that's when the magic happens. When we like dive deep and we unravel ourselves at our core and then do the work to bring ourselves back up and figure out who we are.
• 9:27
  That's where the magic lies. That's where our purpose is. And so right now, I can be grateful for those crazy things that I've been through in my life because they made me who I am today. And they made me be able to help those people that have felt that in their life too. 10 minutes in and everybody needs to go and rewind and listen to that. That was, I think this is the 36th episode of Harder Than Life.
• 9:57
  Three to five minutes. Please go back and you were amazing. I can't believe it took me so long to get you on here. Do you? I love you so much because what you just said is exactly what the heart of the life is for. So I have many questions on that. I'm going to deviate from all my questions. I want to know. I know you did the achievements, but did you do the addictions as well?
• 10:18
  You know what? I actually stayed away from those. And surprisingly, I don't feel like I've ever had like an addictive personality. Neither my mom or my dad have like,
• 10:29
  those genes. So, you know, I didn't come from, um, any type of addiction. I mean, my father could have had an addiction of lust, who knows, but, um, I luckily did not, you know, in high school, I'll be honest with you. Um, by the time I was a freshman trying to fill those void in my life, I was actually like passed out on people's grasses drunk. Like by the time I was a
• 10:58
  So you did go down the addictive route? I guess I did, yes. But I learned really quickly that I didn't feel safe in those environments because I didn't have control. Do you drink alcohol now? I do, but very seldomly. Like, I'll have, like, a glass of wine a month maybe. Or, like, a cocktail a month. How old is your son? My son is now turning 17 in September. Wow.
• 11:27
  Well, you can tell that you don't you didn't succumb to any of the addictions because you're just stunningly beautiful. Your skin is. So I would tell everybody I would tell everybody to head over to whatever they listen to their podcast and and download and follow and share. I now I'm going to flip over and binge on the Life Without Secrets podcast, because if that's what I'm going to hear, I got to hear more. And I know we have mutual friend Amberlee and she's.
• 11:54
  You just hang with a tribe of people that are just at next level. And I told you, you got a girl gang that I want to infiltrate because you're all so brilliant. I love having, I just had a guy on before you and he was brilliant. I just love women and their feminine, masculine energy that are really brilliant.
• 12:14
  into their masculinity like you are and like um amber lee is and my kind of people and and just that just say it like it is and not me i guess it's self-aware people so i love you for that that was fantastic and i want any woman listening to this to go back and rewind and listen to that again because this is a woman who has dealt
• 12:38
  tough things, made some decisions and then rebounded and took control of her life. So that kudos to you. Um, one other question is how old was your mom when you were born?
• 12:53
  Um, you know what? My mom was in her thirties when I was born. She had already had three boys and then, and had been, um, she was married and I think he actually cheated on her. And so they had gotten a divorce and then she met my dad and then he's like,
• 13:08
  Oops, sorry, I'm married. So my mom, poor thing, I'm trying to work on her actually right now. I love her so much. But she has not been on one date since I was born. And she is like so cute. Like she's in her 60s now. Apple couldn't have fallen far from the tree.
• 13:25
  she's in her 60s now but I'm like we gotta get you going but I'm trying to pour into her a lot lately and grow her right now and it's been awesome to watch I love doing it but you know it's so funny because you know I've been through all those things and we all think like okay well now she's overcome it you know like
• 13:48
  Now she's free and she's doing all these things. And that's what we hear. But like, I want to remind everybody too, that nobody's perfect and we all have struggles and I think we can attract things into our lives. Right. But we never know the future with absolute certainty. Right.
• 14:08
  But what we can guarantee that in the next 365 days, what you will encounter are problems, struggles. Everybody has them. Nobody is immune to them. And so I think what I learned, the biggest message that I learned from my childhood is the importance of having deep connections in your life. Mm-hmm.
• 14:35
  And I think the world around us today is full of distractions. It's very fast paced. You open up your phone, you have 500 things on there, right? You open up your computer, it starts sending you, oh, you have all these emails, messages, you know. You walk out into the world and people are always trying to get something from you, right? And what happens is, is we're feeling always rushed. And we have all these...
• 15:03
  Things coming at us, all these distractions. And so what happens is in our conversations, those get rushed. Hmm.
• 15:12
  And I think my theory is that the real pandemic that we are all still living in is called loneliness. And I think what the world is really craving is connection, like deep, genuine connection. And so...
• 15:38
  When we are, and this is on video, so let's just be honest, okay? This is what many of our conversations look like, right? Like, oh, uh-huh, yeah. Oh, yeah, let me just write this down really quick, right? Like, we are all just trying to check off our endless to-do list, and we're always trying to keep up with the Joneses and get to that next best opportunity, and it leaves us feeling so overwhelmed and so, like, we're not good enough.
• 16:09
  We can all relate to that. So those that isn't watching the video, she picked up her phone and was mock texting, which we're all very familiar with. So thank you. Yeah, we're texting, we're checking off our to-do list as we're trying to have a conversation. So what does that do? Well, it makes surface level connections. We are not having connected communication, which is what we are all longing for at our core.
• 16:35
  And so what we need to do is start connecting with our heart. Our heart is our intuitive processing center. And when we can slow down enough and connect with the nervous system of our heart, which by the way, research shows that our heart actually sends more messages to our brain than our brain sends to our heart. So, you know, mindset is awesome. I'm all about mindset.
• 17:02
  But what we really need to do is take that time for ourselves and dive deeper and listen to your heart. Your heart has higher quality emotions like love, ease, compassion, kindness, care. It's why when you actually make a genuine connection, you feel that warmth in your chest.
• 17:25
  I'm feeling it right now. Right. Julia, I can't even interrupt you because you're just on fire. And what I'm thinking of right now is I know you're friends with Catherine Gordon. This sounds a lot like the one truth with John's new book. I actually just got it. I'm so excited to read it. It is so good. And what you just said is exactly what it is. Everything is love.
• 17:49
  Everything is love. And you're right. I could just sit here and listen to you talk to me for hours. It just, it's wonderful. I have other questions and it's. Yeah. Did. Bring them on. First of all, you said something that I want to just add because I, it's.
• 18:05
  I know that you know this and there is one certainty and we're all going to die. And I hate to be gruesome about that. And then when you talked about problems coming and I always say adversity is here. It just left or it's on its way. So you've got to freaking prepare for it because life's going to throw you challenges and curveballs. And it's the people that can handle it without...
• 18:29
  masking or avoiding reality that are going to live the best life. And you just gave an anecdote on how to do it. I'm wondering, this is the question I'm 20 minutes into this and I didn't even ask you yet is did, when did your father finally tell people about you?
• 18:48
  Good question. So I was 18 and had a child. So now he had two children that he needed to tell his wife about, but want to know the interesting thing when he, when I was 16, he was 49. He had a massive heart attack and he flatlined. They had to bring him back. He was in the ICU for
• 19:16
  And I couldn't go see him because I wasn't family. And that was hard. But I want to remind you back to my point here. Stress, those negative emotions will eat you up inside. No longer is heart attacks just caused by like not eating well or not exercising. Over 50% of heart attacks nowadays are caused by stress. Is he alive and safe now?
• 19:45
  And he is alive and saved. So I'm going to ask you a question. Do you think it was karma? I think it was stress that caused that on his heart. And I think that God said, oh, no, no, you're not done here on earth. You have a lot more work to do. And sent his ass right back down to earth. I have so many emotions and triggers that you just...
• 20:12
  I grew up and I felt like I didn't matter. And my, listen, my parents, my mother, my stepfather made it very apparent that I wasn't, they weren't capable of loving me. And so I would tell you that I was very secretive or I was a secret or it just didn't matter. I was there to be physically and emotionally abused and I was there literally to be their servant.
• 20:36
  Yeah. So I could make myself I completely resonate with everything I could achievements. And then I picked up the drinking and then just stopped. And here I am having an interview and you. So it's it's about overcoming it. And, you know, a lot of people don't. So kudos to you.
• 20:56
  I'm very grateful that you're here. And I want to share you with the heart and life listening audience, because it's just your stories, bananas and remarkable. I do want to tell you that I see you and I love you and you matter. And,
• 21:12
  And for anybody else out there that thinks that they're not seen and heard and they don't matter, you do. And I just, my empathy, my heart goes out to that little girl that all the way to 18 had to wait. And my daughter's 14. She knows she's loved. And that's the beauty part about where it, I don't even need to ask you. I guaranteed you. What's your son's name? Theon.
• 21:37
  Theon? That's a great name. That's a great name. His last name is Kavajan. So I guarantee you he feels loved and seen and heard. And it's stopped. I don't even need to ask you. I know that it stopped with you. So you are a remarkable mother. You are a remarkable person. And I'm so grateful that I get to hang with you and talk to you. So what reaction do people have when you walk into a room?
• 22:07
  Well, before they know my story or after? Just your aura. I would like to think I'm approachable, like that I make you feel like you can come up to me and get vulnerable. You're a beautiful blonde bombshell. I think you're married, right? I am. Yeah. And I have three kids total. So two more with this gentleman. And you've been married for a long time, right?
• 22:36
  I've been married for nine years. We've been together for 14. What's your best relationship advice to mark you? I want to just set this up for the audience and everybody knows this, but I do this for my own silliness is so here's, you grew up with a really tough childhood and now really good children came from you and a really good relationship. So that's where I'm going with this. So I want to highlight that the over this, this story of adversity and overcoming it. So,
• 23:05
  Tell us about your what's your best relationship advice and give us the backstory on how you met him. We could do a whole nother episode on this because I definitely carried a lot of I call it my grief case into my relationship. But what I will tell you for the best piece of advice to make it quicker is praise the progress.
• 23:25
  Because nobody is perfect. You're always going to have obstacles. You're always going to have challenges in your relationship. So if you can focus on the progress and not the expectation or the perfection, because you're never going to be, nobody's ever going to meet all your expectations and nobody's perfect. What about working on each other? Do you guys both do, does he do work on himself? Oh, yeah. Personal and professional, I mean, mental and physical. Yeah.
• 23:53
  Oh, yeah. He was actually in the personal development space before I ever was. And you know what's so funny? I used to roll my eyes at him like, oh, because I hadn't done the work on myself. Classic projection. Everything is so positive, you know, and it's so funny because now that I've done my own work, I'm like, oh, the light bulb goes on. I'm like you. I've had a
• 24:20
  I carried my baggage with me for a long time. And it's just until very recently. And then, and then now you set standards and boundaries or whatever the hell you want to call them. And you don't even let the negativity come to you anymore. So, uh, again, it's, it's just such a good story. And I'm so happy that it, that it ended well, what, when you're down and it happens, what can you think of that makes you smile?
• 24:45
  You know, I love that question. There's so many things that make me smile, but when I'm down, I get grounded. I, I, if I am stressed, if I am overwhelmed, I take a break from everything around me and I either go for a walk in nature or I will sit in a room and I will connect with those higher quality emotions of the heart.
• 25:11
  And just take that second to breathe and, you know, tell myself like, you know, give myself that compassion sometimes that we need and let those higher emotions like go back to my brain. And that really levels me up to like come back, be a better mom, show up here better, show up at work better. I do it in the car actually as well on the way to work in the ER.
• 25:40
  You know, it's a very chaotic place. And so I ground myself in my car on the way to work. I put on actually some worship music and I do those deep breaths and I ask God to show me what I need for that day. And when I walk into the trauma room, I touch everything in there and I feel like he'll tell me what what's going to come in that day. Like, oh, I need to some reason check those pediatric blood pressure cuffs.
• 26:09
  And I'm going to, I need to make sure I got all the ones I need. And sure enough, something's missing. And I go put it in there. And that day, a pediatric trauma walks in.
• 26:19
  I believe God speaks to us and most of us ignore it. God was speaking to me to stop drinking for years. I can look back. That's why they say hindsight is 20-20. He sent me so many signs, like near-death experiences. I got shot. I got ran over. I almost got killed multiple times. And it was just so close. And yet I'm here and I look back and I go, oh, that was. And every time that happened, I'm like,
• 26:44
  I was drinking. And so now I'm going to do God's work. How old are the other two children that you have with your husband? I have an eight-year-old and a six-year-old. Oh, my goodness. So let's set the stage for everybody. You have a six, eight, and 17-year-old. You work in an ER. You're in personal development. You have a podcast. When do you sleep? Yeah.
• 27:07
  When do you sleep? You know, I feel like it's like a juggling act. Like you just kind of throw all the balls. No. You know, it's very intentional. I think that that's the key is you have to be really intentional. When I'm spending time with my kids, you know, it's about getting that heart centered, connected communication.
• 27:30
  so that they can feel that warmth from my heart that, that connects to their heart, that sends a message to their brain that,
• 27:38
  okay, I belong here. I am loved. You know, those are the most important things. So I think it's just like how we show up where we need to be. And, you know, sometimes I do, I take that moment and just say, sometimes I work really hard for a week and I, you know, we'll do a bunch of podcasts, get everything organized. And the next week I'm like, on Wednesday, it's for me. And I'm not booking anything.
• 28:04
  Continue on to those daily habits because there's going to be a young lady listening to you and be so inspired. What inspired? What does your daily habits and routines look like to you are a winner on top of what I usually say Wonder Woman, but that term is so over. I think you're even better than Wonder Woman. You're truly. Yeah.
• 28:26
  I'm sorry to hit you with so many. Just I'm in awe of you. So tell me, tell the audience who, what you do in a daily routine to win like you do. You're winning massively.
• 28:39
  Thank you. So you know what the number one thing if somebody has kids and is listening to this, I make sure I get up at least 30 minutes earlier than my kids. I need that quiet time. My husband is amazing. I just have to say on here, he, he will ask me every night, what time are you waking up in the morning? And he sets his alarm for like a few minutes before and he goes down and makes coffee so that my coffee is ready.
• 29:05
  And I, yes, he's incredible. And I go downstairs. I love him already. I do too. And it did not come without struggles, but it is awesome. And we totally just support each other. But I sit in that first at least 30 minutes. So I know my kids don't wake up till about like seven. So I wake up at six. Yeah.
• 29:27
  and this is California time, and I literally sit in quiet. I don't turn on the lights. I sit in quiet. I turn on Pastor Rick. He has a podcast called Daily Hope, and if you listen to it on like 1.5, you can finish it in 10 to 15 minutes, so it doesn't take a lot of time, but it really sets my tone.
• 29:50
  Well, all right. She's not Wonder Woman. She's Superwoman because she can listen to a podcast at one and a half times. I can barely do one point two. If it's one, I'm still like, what did they just say? You are remarkable.
• 30:03
  And so I start my day like that every single day, every single day before I dig into other things in my life. And it just it sets my tone. It gives me that moment to just breathe, feel where I'm at. And then I will either do my I do my own social media. So usually I'm like, OK, I got to check that off my list. And then I just start planning my day. What does it look like? And I do all this before my kids get up.
• 30:30
  And then it's, you know, getting the kids ready, making sure that they're good. We have some breakfast together. You know, what's on their to do list? What's on mine? And we work together like they understand that.
• 30:44
  you know, we're going to be doing this together. And then mommy's got to do this at this time. And, you know, they see me doing things, but they also see me showing up for them. And I think that's important to show your kids because you're your own person and you don't want to lose yourself in raising your babies. And it's so easy to do because I get it. I've been there. Yeah.
• 31:08
  We lose ourselves in our kids and you no longer make yourself a priority. And so by waking up early, I'm making myself a priority. And by just having that conversation, like my kids are six and eight now. So it's a little easier if you have little ones.
• 31:22
  I'm with you. I totally get it. It is harder. It is much harder. And that's where, you know, it took a while for us, but it's where your spouse comes in to help too, you know, and having that connected communication again with your spouse too on like, Hey, I am feeling overwhelmed right now.
• 31:42
  I really need a break and I need you to show up. And one of the other things that I'll say for relationships, and that's with kids or husbands, depending on what age your kid kids is, when you're talking about feelings, right? Women like to do this. When we are talking about feelings, always follow it with a need. So I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm
• 32:07
  I need some time away from the kids for 30 minutes to go walk outside by myself. And so that person that's listening to you goes, oh, okay, she is overwhelmed. And all I need to do is take the kids and, and she can go outside and do her thing. And she's going to feel better because men, as you can probably relate to are usually fixers, right? And they want to know, like, how am I supposed to do it? Otherwise they're guessing. And
• 32:36
  90% of the time, I'm so sorry, but you're going to get it wrong because they don't know. They don't know. My producer, Grant, is nodding his head too. You know what? The first question is, do you have a sister? Because I tell you what, someone just like you is perfect. The communication, I want someone. I've been single for two years. I want someone that communicates. Just tell me. So I just did the math in my head and realized you're 34 years old. So you are...
• 33:05
  Very self-aware. Not that you shouldn't be at 34 because you're a grown woman, but...
• 33:10
  I kudos again. I just can't stop with the superlatives. 34 years old, knowing the self-awareness and the intention that you have and the love that you emit. So kudos to you. I just wanted people to know that. Sorry to throw your business out there, but it's like, yeah, maybe it's 17. It's funny that you say that actually, because, you know, being a teen mom, I really struggled also with belonging. Like I didn't feel like I belonged in my family. And then being a teen mom, I'm like, where do I fit in? Cause I'm like,
• 33:39
  I can't go party with my friends, right? Because we don't have the same goals right now when you're that young. So I just, I had to grow up really fast. And so people still are like, you look young, like, but you don't really act it. So how old are you? Like, I get that question all the time.
• 33:59
  You definitely are wise beyond your years and you can feel it. That's why I was like, my mind was blown. I said, she's 34. You look 24, but you act 44. So yeah, it's, that's the good way to be. And just keep doing what you're doing. You are winning massively. So with that in mind, I want to ask you, what do you want your legacy to be in life?
• 34:23
  I want it to be about connection. I want people, I want those that know me to feel like they connected with me. Like that they knew me and that I knew them. I think that's the greatest gift you can give someone. I have to tell you, my grandma just turned 105 on Monday. I saw that. I was like, what in the heck?
• 34:47
  I want to live to 100, but 105 sounds great. And she has always made quality time such a big deal in her life. She's totally my idol. And when I asked her, Grandma, what's the secret to living a long life and make it fulfilling? And she said, just live one day at a time and don't stress the small stuff. And that's how we embrace our present moment.
• 35:18
  It's the first time you've said, that's the first time you've said present, by the way, but you've alluded all around. So, so be present. That's great advice. And you can't be present when you're looking at your phone all the time. So I, I'm trying, I was just talking about this with Craig yesterday and said,
• 35:35
  I said, are you taking walks without your phone with your dog? So I try to do that, but that's like a minute for me to catch up with people. I got to take more time for me and putting me first, which is exactly what your dad didn't do. Just put yourself first. So what's the most important decision you've made in your life?
• 35:56
  I would say doing the work on myself 100%. When did that happen? That was one of my questions too. When did you start? If you met your husband 14 years ago, how long have you been doing this? So my personal development journey didn't start until three years ago.
• 36:15
  I mean, obviously, I had done the achievements. I, you know, I felt connected, like, with my grandma and, you know, the people around me. But I didn't do the actual, like, the real work until three years ago. And that was when...
• 36:34
  Here we go. Like I said, we could have a whole nother podcast episode on this, but that was when our grief cases, my husband and mine's kind of exploded. And it was either we were throwing in the towel and walking away or diving in.
• 36:53
  you know, and we had that choice. And when we started, we started doing therapy, we were, we were paying a mortgage payment in therapy. And I had my own trauma therapist, he had his own trauma therapist, we had a trauma therapist for our marriage, and we had a Christian family therapist. All we had all of those. And when I went into it,
• 37:18
  I said, you know, I'm not, I'm not really happy in this marriage and I'm not going to do, I'm not going to do this work for our marriage. I'm going to do it for me. And if we end up on the other side together, we're,
• 37:34
  then I'm okay with that. But I, but that's how we went into it. And we really, he grew himself. I grew myself. We worked on things in our marriage that were issues. And, you know, we really started getting to know each other again. So we had to go on a date every week and we had to do something new together that we had never done or that we hadn't done in like 10 years. Yeah.
• 37:59
  And so we had never, I, my husband was a police officer and I'd never been shooting. Can you believe that? And so, you know, he took me shooting for the first time. He, you know, we went whitewater rafting. We'd never done that. We came up with, you know, new different things and just dove into ourselves and dove into each other and came out a hundred percent stronger on the other side. And like I said, doesn't mean it's perfect, but we praise the progress every day.
• 38:28
  So I'm going to reset the scene for people 11 years after meeting him and then six years of marriage. And the fit hits the Shan. And you guys lean into each other where most people would tap out and take their proverbial shit onto the next relationship. Yeah. I keep saying remarkable, but you just keep defying the odds. And it is...
• 38:54
  I'm so happy for you and work works and you deserve everything that's, that's going to come to you. And, um, the best investment is on yourself. So, and that all that money you were spending on, on, uh, therapy is cheaper than a divorce. 100%.
• 39:13
  And it's better than it ever could be, right? I mean, the trust and the communication that you guys built during the time. If you were thinking about it, that's kind of like boot camp. That's why they put you through boot camp because they want you to trust each other. And you kind of went through a boot camp.
• 39:29
  Yeah. You learn to live a life without secrets with each other too, you know? And I mean, that's where it is. Yeah. When we carry those secrets, it creates a barrier. And so if you are not communicating with your spouse, you're not communicating with your spouse.
• 39:45
  and letting them know how you actually feel if you're sticking those feelings under the rug and not having them come up you're creating a barrier and it's just going to get worse so when you can and we had to have a third party to feel comfortable doing this like so it's okay to get some help on this you know it sometimes it doesn't come naturally especially because we naturally want to protect ourselves so but i would i would recommend like living your life without secrets yeah
• 40:14
  And what you're really saying is be vulnerable because when you look at somebody and say, my tank is empty, I need help. That's vulnerable because it makes you look weak. But that brings you closer. And then here's the other thing. If they don't help, then you know what you got. And then you have a choice to say, which leads me right into my next question is, what are your non-negotiables? What are my non-negotiables?
• 40:47
  not letting me say my part or do my part. Like I need. You mean be seen or heard? Yeah. And to be me. Like I don't want to become my partner. I want my partner to love me for me. And so my non-negotiable is you need to see me for me and love me for me and let me be me.
• 41:16
  I love you so much. I had no idea that this was going to get this deep. You are, I hope that the audience, this is an instant classic. And I'm so grateful that you were in my life. And you're just a barrel of energy and positivity and knowledge. And I hope everybody goes and listens to this two and three times and shares it with everybody. Because you are the blueprint for what life is going to be.
• 41:45
  Is there, do you have more non-negotiables than that? I would say the other non-negotiable, which goes back to praise the progress is, you know, don't focus on my imperfections or my wins necessarily. See me as a person that is growing and is always in progress.
• 42:08
  So, so do great. I grade you on a curve throughout the bottom 10% on the top 10% grade me on the bell curve. Yeah. You're going to like this next question. I didn't even make this one up, but this is perfect. The mistakes and failures you've encountered, which are many, what did you learn from them? Oh my goodness. Right. So many things. Yeah. Your whole life is this.
• 42:35
  Yes. Oh my goodness. There has been tremendous mistakes, but these are my biggest, biggest moments that I've learned the most. Like getting pregnant at 17. Wow. Right? Like talk about like, what am I doing with my life? But these are our wake up calls.
• 43:05
  And all we have to do is choose which one we're going to open. And so I really learned how to take a bigger picture of my life and decide what path I'm being guided on. What is my heart telling me where I need to go from here? And sometimes that is just...
• 43:33
  doing things we don't want to do, doing things that are uncomfortable and knowing that like, nope, what is meant for me is not going to pass me, but I need to walk into that door. I need to step into this discomfort and I need to, my heart is telling me I need to go down this path. And you just, you take what you got, you put in the work, you believe in yourself and you
• 44:02
  wanted you to do. I love that. I lead with your heart. I heard this very recently and it ranged true for me. Things that are tough and you should do, you don't want to do. They feel terrible when you start, but great when you finish. The things that are bad for you...
• 44:27
  feel good at the start and, and, and terrible after you're done with them. So it's so ironic. It's just being in this personal development space, you, you get some aha moments where you're like, Oh my God. I love that you put it that way because that is literally how everything has gone in my life. Like stepping into college at nine months pregnant, holy macro was that rough. Right. But on the other side of achieving that and not only that, but becoming valedictorian and getting to speak to my peers, um,
• 44:56
  it was one of my best moments of my whole life. I did that work. I did that work with Play-Doh on the walls and in my hair. I cried buckets of tears. This was no easy, easy fleet. That's what made you look at an ER nurse or ER job, which is one of the toughest jobs. People aren't going to the ER because they're freaking feeling good. They're hard. It is...
• 45:24
  The negative, and you see trauma like there's no tomorrow. So you got trauma from very certain. So it's like you said it. God gave you what you needed and it happened for you. So it just actually leads me to another question. Is the eight or six-year-old either one a girl? Yeah. My middle child is the girl, the eight-year-old. Okay.
• 45:46
  So you get to relive your life through her. You know what I told my husband when we got together? I said, I don't care if I have to have six kids. I have to have a girl. And God was like, honey, you don't need six kids. Here you go. You are definitely one with the Lord and God. So they were listening to you. You're an ER nurse. What advice would you give somebody just starting out in that field?
• 46:15
  Ooh, don't let the environment overcome you. You overcome the environment. Be the light whenever you step into any room that you're in. So it's a really dark place, especially if you're going into the ER, right? And so you have to choose to show up with light every single day, with your peers, with your patients every single time. Because if you don't,
• 46:41
  you will be overcome by that darkness. And it's why people get burnt out. It's why people lose their passion. It's why people lose their faith in people. So keep going with that. What are some key lessons or insights you've gained from being in the ER?
• 46:59
  Oh, man. Well, for one, it's how to work well under pressure, how to use that fight or flight for that, you know, kind of nervous system trigger that we get when we're triggered or when we're in like that chaotic environment.
• 47:21
  And I go into fight mode and it's come from my childhood, but it has allowed me to use that and kind of channel that. And then with the other stuff I've learned to really open up my heart, I channel my energy, open my heart so I can see this bigger picture, but I know where I need to be focused. And that is probably the best thing when you're in that trauma room. Yeah.
• 47:48
  Have you ever hit a relationship or hit something in the fight mode that wasn't a fight? Oh, all the time. Because growing up the way we did, you just. Yes. You think everything is a fight. You're like, wait a second. It took me many years to figure that out. Like, we're actually not fighting. We're just communicating. Or somebody's just disagreeing with you. It's not a fight.
• 48:12
  Yes, you're trying to protect yourself when you don't even need the protection there. That's that barrier. How did you say? Everything's so simple. If you were offered a mulligan in life, what would you do over? Oh, man. Yeah.
• 48:32
  I don't know. I think I would – I already made all mistakes early, right? Like I'm still making them. You got more in you. You got more in you. I made a lot of mistakes early in life, and it served me well. I would say –
• 48:47
  Gosh, what would I do over? I mean, I feel like I am who I am because of everything I've gone through. So I don't know that I would really do it over. Would I choose to be a mom at 18? Absolutely not. Because it's really hard. But...
• 49:06
  It was my biggest teacher and my biggest gift. So I can't say that I would like go back in my own life, but would I ever advise it? Absolutely not. I'd imagine. What's your biggest fear? My biggest fear, I think, you know what? It just goes back to,
• 49:32
  not belonging. Like, I think like, I'm just going to be honest here, right? Like those wounds that we carry from our childhood, they're always present. I don't think that we ever completely get over them. We just figure out how to calm them and get back to where we need to be in love. So brilliant. Where do you come up with it? It's just, Oh, yeah.
• 49:55
  You say things so simple, just simple. And I want to run. You're going to come back again and you're going to give this again and again until it sinks into everybody's life because that is just, it's remarkable. And what you've done is you make me look like a choir boy. Like I didn't do anything yet. And I took many, many more years. I'm older than you. I'm 13 years older than you. So it took me many more years to get my head out of my behind and live the life without secrets.
• 50:25
  Yeah. Well, how old are your kids? My daughter's 14. Yeah, you have 14. You're a 14-year-old. Yeah. And you know what? It's funny because having my son early, I had to learn a lot of lessons earlier. And so I really do think our kids are our biggest teachers today.
• 50:47
  She's the only thing that can trigger me anymore. And I will tell you that she was a blessing. She's what made, she's my why. And if I didn't have her, I probably would have drank myself to death.
• 51:00
  Because I didn't, and it was an oops. She knows it. It was an oops. And, but she's my everything. And I get to, and it stopped. The cycle of abuse stopped with her and she is spoiled and loved. And in many respects, you know, when you, when you have a father or when you have a parent that's in personal development, it's tough. It's tough because she listens. So she doesn't feel like she belongs or fits in because she has, you know,
• 51:28
  been loved, seen, heard, and listened to. And, you know, a big thing that we do is we have breakfast and dinner together as a sit down and we talk. And it's just important to me to know what's going on and let her know that she can communicate with me and I'm not going to fix everything. I'm just going to listen because she's a girl. She doesn't want me to fix everything.
• 51:50
  Yep. Yep. Teachers that feeling and need. So the belonging and I want to talk about that a little more because I was reading Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, and she talks about belonging versus fitting in. And I burst out in tears. I was in Florida. I'm reading it in the pool and I burst out in tears because that's.
• 52:09
  There's a big distinction between the two. Belonging is your people. You and me, we belong. Fitting in is going in and, what is it called? Abandoning yourself.
• 52:21
  I was just going to be liked. And I did that fitting in crap for years and I'll never do it again. Never. But it, because I didn't love myself. So the biggest thing that we didn't say all that is love yourself, do the work, be present and just enjoy life. And I'm going to end it with define happiness for us.
• 52:45
  Hmm. Happiness is such an internal thing, right? And happiness is, I think happiness is joy. Like people want to decide that they're two different things. I think it is, I think it goes hand in hand. And I think happiness to me is that warm feeling in your chest, right?
• 53:09
  When you feel connected to who you are, to what you're doing, and to everybody around you that you have close to you. That's happiness. That's where happiness lies. I didn't expect anything less. It was like a microphone drop. I want to make sure that everybody goes and follows Life Without Secrets podcast on social media, Jillian underscore Riddell.
• 53:38
  You can go to the website, life without secrets.com. Follow her. She's remarkable. If you didn't love this and you don't play it again and again, then you're not harder than life at this. You this was the best interview I've ever done. I really have it. I did not have any clue that this was going to go this deep. My producer is shaking his head up and down right now.
• 53:59
  I appreciate it. We're going to have you back next year and we're going to go even deeper. And I want to make sure everybody rate and share this podcast. Also, I do my best to respond to all the comments on all social platforms. So if you want to see more of something or less of something, leave a comment. Each and every episode is sponsored by National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. And until next week, be harder than life.
• 54:29
  Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.