Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #75: Text Me When You're Home

Transcript

#75: Text Me When You're Home · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: My children came over for dinner last night.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: As always, we had a great time.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: When you don't live with your adult kids, you really appreciate being with them.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's like hanging out with a best friend.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: The evening was perfect.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: We talked nonstop.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: My kids are used to that with me.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: We go light, we do heavy, we ask questions, we listen, we talk until we're tired.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter and her boyfriend left by car.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: My son had to take a train home.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: It would be an hour long ride, then a twenty minute walk to his apartment.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: He'd arrive by eleven thirty.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: He's thirty one years old, but still.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: About thirty minutes after I dropped him off at the train station, I picked up my phone and sent him this message.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Text me when you're home.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: He replied Okay.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And he did.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then I wrote, Thanks for coming over.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry it's so far.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Love you.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he replied, Thanks for having me.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Love you too.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: During dinner, my daughter's boyfriend shared something really interesting with me.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: In his culture, parents never say I love you.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: They show their love through acts of kindness, but the words never escape them.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is unusual for me.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I tell my kids I love them all the time.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: What I asked him next was what will you do when you have kids?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And he replied, I'm going to always tell them.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's all that matters, I thought.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Break that cultural pattern.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ever repeat how you were raised if it didn't make you feel good.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Parenting one hundred one End Toxic Generational Cycles full stop.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Lately, I've been speaking to more adult children.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: It helps me understand the full scope of what's going on in the home.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: My first few consultations are with the parents, one or both.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: But if their adult child is open to speaking with me, it makes a big difference to helping everyone move forward.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, everyone.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because when an adult child is not thriving, and by that I mean not working, not participating at home, not doing anything with their life, it's not just their problem.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone in the family is impacted.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't get to where they are on their own.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not blaming the parents.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Not entirely, but I am going to share an observation and an opinion with you today.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And before I do, I want you to imagine me standing in front of you as I say this.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Unprofessional as it may seem, I'm going to give you a hug first, because I want you to know that this is coming to you from a place of love.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: The adult children I'm speaking to are telling me that they do not feel good at home.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: They don't feel loved, wanted, or heard.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're not happy living like they are.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: They don't like their life.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: They just don't know how to change it.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know what they want to do, what they can do, or even how to do it makes sense.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: They've been doing nothing for so long, their brains can't even muster up a plan.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Dopamine, the brain's chemical messenger for motivation, is not flowing.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiety, self doubt, shame, fear of failure, low self esteem, poor diet, no exercise, minimal sunlight, doom scrolling, and gaming has all but dried it up.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Not permanently, of course, just day to day.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: What I hear from parents when we talk about their adult children is always the same.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I wish you could hear each other.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: We're worried about them.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: We've tried everything.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: We can't motivate them.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: We try to talk, they won't listen.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're very concerned.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're getting older.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else is living their lives.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: We're just so frustrated.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: They never leave their room.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: They keep to themselves most of the time.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know what to do or what to say anymore.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So on the one hand, I have parents voicing these concerns, and on the other, their adult children are feeling just as bad.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I'm not hearing enough of.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: But before I tell you, I need to share this.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: The other day I had a thought.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I opened up the camera on my phone and posted this short video on social media.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I said, show me a parent, an adult child living together, who genuinely enjoy each other, spend time together, and communicate well, and all show you a young adult who is thriving.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: To my surprise, considering what the usual comments are, there are hundreds of parents telling me how much they love living with their adult children.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Good kids, they say, so helpful.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: We love spending time together.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're best friends.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: They are thriving.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I feel so blessed to have them here.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I got tired of writing love that so often, so now I just keep hearting their messages.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to know how pleased I am to hear this.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: What's their secret?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they joyful with their kids at home while other parents are so worried, frustrated, and hopeless?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Why are their adult children so happy, so kind, considerate, respectful, contributing and conversing at home with their parents?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hang in there, you, you on the other end of this virtual hug that I'm about to give you as I share my thoughts on this.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Starting today, I want you to use a completely different approach.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And not for a week.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do this until you take your last breath.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying it's going to be easy, so be patient, but keep at it because I believe this is going to help your adult child get unstuck.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've said this so many times.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with you.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: New attitude, fresh eyes, different approach.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what you're going to do.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Say I love you every day.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you can't use your words out loud just yet, send it in a text.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can even tell them something that you love about them.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, this means complimenting them out of the blue.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to them like they're your most beloved friend.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Share something personal with them.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make their day the focus of every conversation.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: There isn't anything worse than asking a person who is doing nothing, so what did you do today?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck off.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know the answer.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: No need to rub it in.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Make plans with them.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not next week, today.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if they don't want to yet, don't give up trying.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And don't ask, suggest.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let's grab lunch.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Come with me while I go run an errand.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It might feel awkward at first, but I want you to look at your adult child as if it's your last day on earth.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to love them out loud.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them they're worthy, they matter, and that you believe they are capable of doing whatever they set their mind on.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: They really need you to love on them.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not all.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: You need to stop letting them know how worried, frustrated, and probably disappointed you are.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Take a break from it.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're as much of a broken record as their life is.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Does this mean you should let them continue living their lives in limbo?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hell no.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's not even up for debate.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: But until you work on changing your behavior, starting with your choice of words, how you express yourself, how you make them feel, they will remain exactly where they are, stuck in their self-doubting, self-loathing, fearful state of mind.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: One parent recently told me that of all the things that they've done and said to their 28-year-old, unthriving adult, being positive wasn't common practice because they've been so consumed with worry.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Try it, I said.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Be hopeful, be more optimistic.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Say to them, think about what it will feel like when you've accomplished that.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine how good you'll feel when you do that.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: The young adults I'm speaking to today don't like themselves at all.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: They're very lonely, very ashamed, and they don't feel loved.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: If this is what's happening in your home, I need you to do a complete shift.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually called a paradigm shift, and it means seeing the exact same situation with a completely new perspective.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, fresh eyes.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Start believing that your adult can have a fulfilling life, and you need to start telling them that.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Cup half full, my friend.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult child needs to feel loved unconditionally.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So please tell them.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And while they're still living with you, spend time with them because one day you'll be sending that very same message.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Text me when you're home.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.