Latest / Becoming Irresistible / Season 2, Episode 17. How to Be Generous, But Not Gullible.

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Season 2, Episode 17. How to Be Generous, But Not Gullible. · Becoming Irresistible

0:13
SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Becoming Irresistible.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk about a topic that I feel comes up often for me, and I also feel like it might come up with a lot of young, high achievers out there.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: And it's about how to be generous but not gullible, how to set boundaries with people you love.
0:38
SPEAKER_00: I think this is something that most of us want to teach our children.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: Be generous, share what you have, help people, take care of the people you love.
0:48
SPEAKER_00: And if you have more than someone else, don't be selfish with it.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: And those are really good lessons.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: But I've been thinking lately that there's another lesson we don't teach nearly as deliberately or as often.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: How do you know when generosity has gone too far?
1:03
SPEAKER_00: How do you know when helping someone has stopped being an act of generosity and started to become an expectation?
1:10
SPEAKER_00: And maybe most importantly, how do you set a boundary with someone you really love?
1:15
SPEAKER_00: Because boundaries with strangers can be easy.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: If someone you barely know asks you for something unreasonable, you can say no.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: But what happens when it's your best friend, your sibling, your boyfriend or girlfriend?
1:30
SPEAKER_00: Well, if you're a parent, what if it's your adult child?
1:33
SPEAKER_00: Or if you are a child, what if it's your parent?
1:37
SPEAKER_00: Suddenly that decision becomes much more complicated because mixed in there with obligation is love.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: I've realized that this is something I really want young people to learn before they ever have significant resources.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: And the reason why is because when you're 14, the stakes might be just paying for someone's dinner or lending somebody something you own.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: But when you're 34, those stakes might be thousands of dollars.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: Your car, your credit, your business, or even your home.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: And I don't want our children learning how to establish boundaries for the first time when the consequences of it are so high and the stakes of getting it wrong are enormous.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: So today I want to talk about something I think we should teach alongside generosity, which is resource stewardship.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: How do you remain a generous, loving person without allowing other people unlimited access to what belongs to you?
2:32
SPEAKER_00: And how do you recognize the difference?
2:35
SPEAKER_00: Okay, first of all, let's talk about generosity and how it's not the same as access.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: If somebody asks you for something, that doesn't mean they're taking advantage of you.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: People are allowed to ask.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: And in fact, I encourage you to ask when you need something or when you want something.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: Because chances are if you never ask, you'll never get it.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes people really need help.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: And they should ask for help when they need it.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the people we love genuinely fall on hard times.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes helping that someone is exactly what we should do.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to raise children who look suspiciously at every request and think, what are you trying to get out of me?
3:17
SPEAKER_00: That's not what we're trying to create.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: We want generous people, but we want discerning generosity because there's a difference between giving someone something and giving someone access to your resources.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: Imagine your friend forgot their wallet and you buy them lunch.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: That's generosity.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: But now imagine you buy lunch every time you go out.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: That's a pattern.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: Now imagine your friend stops bringing money because they assume you'll pay.
3:43
SPEAKER_00: That's an expectation.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: And imagine that the first time you don't pay, they become angry.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: Now we have learned something really important about that relationship.
3:53
SPEAKER_00: The amount of money might still be the same, relatively insignificant, but the dynamic has changed.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: Your generosity has slowly become someone else's expectation.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: And that transition can happen so gradually that we don't even notice it.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about the fact that ability is not the same as obligation.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: And this is one of the most important lessons I want young people to understand.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: Just because you can help doesn't mean you're responsible for helping.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: And that can be surprisingly difficult for successful people.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: If you have the money, why wouldn't you pay?
4:28
SPEAKER_00: If you have an extra room, why wouldn't you let someone stay?
4:31
SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody can get your friend an interview, why wouldn't you make the introduction?
4:35
SPEAKER_00: If you have something that somebody needs, why wouldn't you lend it to them?
4:39
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the answer is you should.
4:42
SPEAKER_00: But sometimes the answer is because I don't want to.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: And that can be enough.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to prove that the other person is manipulating you.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to convince a jury that their request is unreasonable, and you don't have to establish that they are a bad person.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to decide what access another person has to your resources, and that doesn't make you ungenerous.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: It makes you responsible for what belongs to you.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: So I wanted a framework that a teenager could remember, but that would still work when they're 40.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: And I call it the gift test.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: I always try to put things in frameworks so you can remember them when you're in that moment.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: Here in the gift test, before giving something significant or before agreeing to something that could be ongoing, ask yourself four questions.
5:29
SPEAKER_00: Led by the letters in the word gift.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: G.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: G stands for genuine choice.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: First, do I genuinely want to do this?
5:38
SPEAKER_00: Imagine no one would be upset if you said no.
5:41
SPEAKER_00: No one would think less of you.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: No one would be disappointed.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: Nobody would withdraw their affection, nobody would complain.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: Would you still say yes?
5:51
SPEAKER_00: If the answer is yes, then it's a pretty good indication that your generosity is freely chosen.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: But sometimes we say yes because we're uncomfortable saying no.
6:00
SPEAKER_00: We don't want someone to think we're selfish.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: We want their approval.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: We're afraid of disappointing them.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: Or they've asked enough times that saying yes feels easier than no.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: A gift given primarily to stop pressure isn't really a gift anymore.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: It's functioning like a toll.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: Your payings to avoid discomfort.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: So the G in gift stands for genuine choice.
6:23
SPEAKER_00: Let's move on to the I.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: I, is it mine to give?
6:29
SPEAKER_00: The second question is incredibly simple.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: Is it actually mine?
6:33
SPEAKER_00: To give?
6:35
SPEAKER_00: Young people especially need to understand this.
6:37
SPEAKER_00: You can be generous with your own belongings, your own money, your own time, your own expertise, but you cannot be generous with someone else's resources.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: Imagine somebody says, Can I borrow your mom's car?
6:50
SPEAKER_00: You don't get to say, sure, it's not yours.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: Or can I stay at your parents' vacation house?
6:56
SPEAKER_00: Again, you don't own it.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: Generosity requires ownership.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: And that principle continues into adulthood.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: Maybe money was given to you specifically for your education.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're managing family assets.
7:10
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're responsible for something that ultimately belongs to somebody else.
7:14
SPEAKER_00: Before asking whether giving is kind, ask, do I actually have the authority, the I power to give this?
7:23
SPEAKER_00: Because you cannot be generous with something that isn't yours.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: So G is for genuine choice, and I is is it mine to give?
7:31
SPEAKER_00: Or am I the one who's able to give this?
7:34
SPEAKER_00: And then we get to F.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: F stands for fair.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: Fair and proportionate.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: Ask, is what I'm giving fair and proportionate to this relationship, the circumstances, and my resources.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: Let's say you're 16 and you buy your dad dinner for his birthday.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: Wonderful.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've been working, you have some money, and you think tonight I'm taking dad out.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: That's generosity.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: But imagine a teenager starts regularly paying an adult's bills.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: In order to understand if something's fair, I would want to understand why.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: The same amount of money can mean something completely different depending on the circumstances.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: That's why there isn't some universal dollar amount where generosity suddenly becomes exploitation.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: Instead, look at the pattern.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: Is this occasional?
8:18
SPEAKER_00: Is there a genuine need for it?
8:20
SPEAKER_00: Is the person capable of solving this problem themselves?
8:23
SPEAKER_00: Are you helping them get through something temporary?
8:26
SPEAKER_00: Or are you gradually becoming responsible for something that should be their responsibility?
8:31
SPEAKER_00: And then here's another question.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: Are the requests escalating?
8:34
SPEAKER_00: A request can become a repeated request.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: A repeated request can become an expectation, and an expectation can become entitlement.
8:42
SPEAKER_00: An entitlement can eventually produce resentment when access is denied.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: Not every repeated request will follow that path, but when it does, recognize it.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: And then lastly, the letter T.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: That's the tomorrow test.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: Finally, ask yourself, how am I likely to feel about this tomorrow?
9:05
SPEAKER_00: I don't mean five minutes after you say yes, I mean tomorrow, next week or next month.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: Will you think, I'm really glad I did that?
9:13
SPEAKER_00: Then great.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Or will you think, why did I ever agree to this?
9:17
SPEAKER_00: I really didn't want to do that.
9:19
SPEAKER_00: I feel taken advantage of.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: Now I feel like I can't get out of this.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: Resentment doesn't automatically mean someone else has done something wrong, but sometimes we create our own resentment because we agree to things we don't actually want to do.
9:33
SPEAKER_00: And repeated resentment is information.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: It often means a boundary needs to be examined.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about one more thing, and that's the access ladder.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: There's another concept I want young people to understand because not all generosity carries the same risk.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: Think about generosity as an access ladder.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: At the bottom is a simple gift.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: I'll buy dinner.
9:55
SPEAKER_00: And then the transaction ends.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: Then there are favors.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: You can borrow this for the weekend.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: Now somebody temporarily has access to something that belongs to you.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: And then there's ongoing support.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: I'll help you with this every month.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: Now we're creating repetition.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: So you see, as we go higher on the ladder, you're having a higher level of responsibility.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: And finally, there's ongoing access.
10:19
SPEAKER_00: And that means keys, credit cards, passwords, cars, accounts, property.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: And eventually we reach entanglement, which is co-signing a loan, sharing finances, or giving someone an ownership interest.
10:34
SPEAKER_00: Letting somebody establish their life inside something you own.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: At each step up that ladder, reversing the decision becomes more difficult.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: And that gives us a very simple rule we can follow.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: The harder a gift will be to take back, the more slowly you should say yes.
10:53
SPEAKER_00: And in fact, another piece of advice that someone offered to me many years ago is think of it like a bank.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: A bank doesn't just loan out money to anyone.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: Okay, you have to prove that you're worthy in order to receive money from the bank.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: Now, if you never have had a credit score, or you haven't had a long history of credit, or you don't have a lot of resources to provide to say that you can pay the bank back, they're going to give you a small amount of money.
11:30
SPEAKER_00: Okay, but if you grow or you show over time that you're able to pay them back, or that you have more resources, or that you've been a reliable person to pay them back, then they give you access to more resources.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: And similarly, when we're talking about the access ladder, you should think of when you're generous with someone, how much have they earned that generosity?
11:53
SPEAKER_00: Let's say you want to buy someone dinner because you don't even know them or stranger, it's okay.
11:59
SPEAKER_00: It's a short-term transaction.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: If you feel you have the resources to do so, then doing that is not a huge commitment.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: But if someone you just met is asking you for the keys to your home, of course, that wouldn't really be the same level when they haven't earned enough trust, then you have to stop for a minute and think: has this person earned this type of access to me or my resources?
12:26
SPEAKER_00: Have they shown me that they reliably will pay me back or be a good steward of my resources?
12:34
SPEAKER_00: And that this is something that won't make me resentful later that I do this with an open heart because I genuinely want to help that person.
12:43
SPEAKER_00: And I feel like this is a good use of my resources or money or time or whatever it is that they're getting access to.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: Because remember, it doesn't just have to be money, it could be even your time.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't cost any money, but it takes your time.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: So those people are not reliably paying you back with time, or it becomes an expectation that you should do it, or that you should do it in a certain time frame.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: Then you need to think: has this person earned this type of access to me?
13:14
SPEAKER_00: Because you should be very slow to afford those types of access where it becomes an expectation.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: The type of relationships where access becomes an expectation really should only happen with the closest people in your life.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: And what do you do with someone that you're not sure about yet?
13:33
SPEAKER_00: What if someone asks you for something high up on the access ladder and you're not completely comfortable or you've not had enough experience with them in terms of lending out your resources to know if they would be a good steward of your resources, or that you would want to establish that kind of access to your resources.
13:55
SPEAKER_00: What do you do in that scenario?
13:57
SPEAKER_00: Because it's not always that that person has given you any indicators that they'd be someone not to have that kind of relationship with.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: It might just be that you haven't had enough experience with them.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: Because maybe all the questions are on the gift test are passing for that person, but you're not sure how you'd feel about tomorrow because you've never established that level of or that type of relationship with that person.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: Well, in that case, you can see what they're asking for.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: Let's just imagine they asked you for$10,000.
14:32
SPEAKER_00: Now, is that a large amount or a small amount?
14:35
SPEAKER_00: To some people, that could feel like a large amount.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: To some other people, it could feel like a small amount, depending on the kind of resources you have.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: Well, for you, if that amount seems like a large amount, and that's high up on your access ladder, which let's say it is for the for the purposes of this example.
14:55
SPEAKER_00: Let's say that that's a large amount for you, and you're not sure yet, you don't feel confident yet that this person should have that type of access to your resources.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: Well, then you can offer what you do feel comfortable with.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: What if you said, I can't give you$10,000 at this time, but I can give you$1,000.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: In this way, you have brought them down on the access ladder with something you feel comfortable with that passes all the gift test questions that you will not regret tomorrow, even if that person does not show a good stewardship of your resources.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: And also be aware of their reaction to this.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: If you say, I can't give you$10,000 right now, but I can give you$1,000, and they turn around and say, Well, I don't need$1,000, I need 10.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: And I know you have it.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: Well, that tells you a lot of information, right?
15:56
SPEAKER_00: But if they turn around and say, Wow, I am so grateful, I will pay this back to you as soon as I can, which I really encourage you to establish if you're talking about financial resources, establish a date by which that person needs to pay you back.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: And then see how they treat that date.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: You know, if they tell you, you know, I don't know if I can pay it back by this time, but I can definitely pay back by this time and establish a payment pattern.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: Or if they say, yeah, sure, and they do pay you back, you'll know something.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: If they say, yeah, sure, and they never pay you back, that tells you a lot.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: They don't get more access to your resources, right?
16:35
SPEAKER_00: So use all of those things to establish where they are on that ladder, what they have access to.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: And again, if you don't feel comfortable with what they're asking for, offer what you do feel comfortable with, if at all.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to offer anything.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: But if you you're not sure and you want to test the waters before giving them uh an access that's high up on the ladder, then give them access to something smaller and see how they treat it.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: That's just what, like the bank example, that's just what they would do.
17:08
SPEAKER_00: You can ask for$50,000, but the bank will say, you know what, we can't give you that based on the fact that you have no resources, you've never had a credit line.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: We'll give you a thousand.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: And that's what you get.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: And so, in the same way, you can establish the amount of access they have to you, even if they're asking for more.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: So, again, if you're just buying somebody dinner, you probably don't need to deliberate for three days on it.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: But if you're co-signing their car loan, take your time.
17:35
SPEAKER_00: Harder to take that back.
17:37
SPEAKER_00: And letting someone use your credit card, again, take your time.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: Putting somebody's name on something you own, really take your time.
17:45
SPEAKER_00: Entering an arrangement that could be difficult legally, financially, or emotionally to unwind, and yes, that includes marriage, take a lot of time.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: Okay, the size of the decision should determine the amount of thought you've given to it and the amount of access that someone will get along with it.
18:05
SPEAKER_00: Here's one other question I think you should ask yourself.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: Can I stop?
18:10
SPEAKER_00: If I say yes today, can I comfortably say no tomorrow?
18:14
SPEAKER_00: And this question is incredibly powerful because sometimes we're not really making a one-time decision.
18:19
SPEAKER_00: We're establishing a precedence.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you pay for dinner once.
18:23
SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: Could you comfortably not pay the next time?
18:27
SPEAKER_00: Well, probably.
18:29
SPEAKER_00: But maybe you agree to pay someone's phone bill.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Could you stop that after three months?
18:35
SPEAKER_00: Would the other person be prepared for that?
18:36
SPEAKER_00: Would you feel guilty?
18:38
SPEAKER_00: Would they become angry?
18:39
SPEAKER_00: Would their financial stability now depend on you continuing to help?
18:45
SPEAKER_00: The harder it becomes to stop, the more carefully you should consider starting.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Which leads to another rule I love.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: Never casually create an arrangement that you're afraid you'll have difficulty ending.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: One of the mistakes we make when talking about boundaries is confusion over this question.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: Is this person taking advantage of me?
19:06
SPEAKER_00: Now that's an incredibly difficult question.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: Because now you're trying to read someone's mind.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're deliberately exploiting you, but maybe they're not.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they genuinely believe what they're asking is reasonable.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they grew up in a family where everybody shared everything.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they simply have different boundaries than you do.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: You don't actually have to solve that mystery.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: Instead, ask, is this person receiving more access to my resources than I consciously want them to have?
19:37
SPEAKER_00: That question you can definitely answer.
19:40
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're a wonderful person, maybe you love them.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you understand exactly why they're asking, and your answer can still be that's more than I'm comfortable giving.
19:49
SPEAKER_00: A boundary does not require a villain.
19:52
SPEAKER_00: Remember that.
19:54
SPEAKER_00: I'll say it again.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: A boundary does not require a villain.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes two good people simply have different ideas about what is reasonable.
20:04
SPEAKER_00: But there is one piece of information that tells us a great deal about relationships.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: What happens when you say no?
20:10
SPEAKER_00: Healthy people can be disappointed by boundaries, and that's normal.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: If I ask you to borrow something and you say no, I might be disappointed.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
20:19
SPEAKER_00: Respect doesn't require that I love your answer.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: It requires that I recognize your right to give.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: But if every no leads to guilt, wow, I can't believe you wouldn't do this for me.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: Pressure.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: Come on, you have plenty.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: Or scorekeeping.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: After everything I've done for you?
20:38
SPEAKER_00: Repeated attempts to change your mind.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: Are you sure?
20:42
SPEAKER_00: Why not?
20:43
SPEAKER_00: What about now?
20:44
SPEAKER_00: What if we do it this way?
20:46
SPEAKER_00: Or withdrawal of affection.
20:49
SPEAKER_00: Then pay attention because sometimes the quality of the relationship isn't revealed by how someone responds to your yes, it's actually revealed by how they respond to your no.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: There's another distinction I want our children to learn.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: Generosity says I have something, I want to share it with you.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: Rescuing says you have a problem and somehow I become responsible for solving it.
21:13
SPEAKER_00: It can feel almost identical.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: Someone you love has a problem, you have a solution, of course you want to help.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: But before stepping in, ask, whose problem is this?
21:24
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean we never help solve other people's problems, of course we do.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: But helping someone solve their problem is different from becoming responsible for their problem.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: Maybe your friend needs somewhere to stay for two nights because their apartment flooded.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: You have a guest room.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: Of course you might invite them in.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: But if two nights becomes two months and there's no plan for what happens next, the arrangement has changed.
21:47
SPEAKER_00: The original actor generosity doesn't obligate you to continue indefinitely.
21:52
SPEAKER_00: I also want young people to learn to recognize patterns rather than obsess over individual incidents.
21:58
SPEAKER_00: One unusual thing.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Request doesn't tell you much about someone.
22:02
SPEAKER_00: But look what happens over time.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: Request, then repeated request, then an expectation, then entitlement, then resentment when that access is denied.
22:13
SPEAKER_00: Again, not every situation follows that pattern.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: But if you begin seeing it, that's the moment to establish the boundary.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: Not six steps later when you're furious and the other person has built their life around your resources.
22:25
SPEAKER_00: And that's something adults struggle with all the time.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: We wait until we're angry to establish boundaries, but boundaries are actually easier to establish before resentment develops.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: I don't want our children to learn not to trust anybody, to protect everything, never lend money, never help anyone, always assume people want something from you.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: No, I want exactly the opposite.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: I want our children to be generous.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: I want them to take their parents to dinner someday.
22:54
SPEAKER_00: I want them to help a friend who's struggling.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: I want them to share opportunities.
22:58
SPEAKER_00: I want them to use their success to make other people's lives better, but I want their generosity to remain theirs, freely chosen, thoughtful, proportionate, and reversible when appropriate, because generosity is beautiful when it comes from choice, but it becomes destructive when it's extracted through guilt, fear, pressure, entitlement.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: So if you're raising a high achieving child, or frankly any child, I think there's a few things we can do that are extremely important, and we can do them right now.
23:27
SPEAKER_00: Don't just teach them to share, teach them how to decide.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: When they want to give something away, don't immediately tell them yes or no.
23:34
SPEAKER_00: Ask, do you genuinely want to do that?
23:37
SPEAKER_00: Is it yours to give?
23:38
SPEAKER_00: Is this a one time gift or something that's going to continue?
23:42
SPEAKER_00: And what happens if you don't want to do it next time?
23:45
SPEAKER_00: And how would you feel if they asked you again tomorrow?
23:48
SPEAKER_00: Let them practice making those decisions while the consequences are small, because eventually the resources get bigger.
23:55
SPEAKER_00: Their first paycheck, their first car, their first apartment, their credit, their professional connections, their savings, their businesses, their homes, and by then we don't want to be standing behind them telling them what boundaries to establish.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: We want a framework that already belongs to them and one they feel comfortable using.
24:15
SPEAKER_00: We want them to know I can love someone without giving them unlimited access to me.
24:20
SPEAKER_00: I can help someone without becoming responsible for them.
24:23
SPEAKER_00: I can afford something without being obligated to provide it.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: I can understand someone's need and still say no.
24:29
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps most importantly, I don't have to prove someone is a bad person before I'm allowed to establish a boundary.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: In closing, the next time someone you love asks you for something, you don't have to immediately decide, are they taking advantage of me?
24:43
SPEAKER_00: Just run the gift test.
24:45
SPEAKER_00: Remember, G stands for is my choice genuine?
24:49
SPEAKER_00: I is is it mine to give?
24:53
SPEAKER_00: F is it fair and proportionate?
24:56
SPEAKER_00: And T is how will I feel about this tomorrow?
24:59
SPEAKER_00: Then look at the level of access you're creating, ask whether you can comfortably stop, and pay attention to what happens when you say no.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: Because the goal isn't to become less generous, it's to become deliberately generous.
25:12
SPEAKER_00: To give because you choose to give, to help because you choose to help, to love people deeply without handing them automatic ownership over your time, money, property, opportunities, or future.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: It's not selfishness, it's stewardship.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps one of the most valuable things we can teach our children is this your generosity should be an expression of your character, not a resource other people learn how to extract from you.
25:36
SPEAKER_00: And that is part of becoming irresistible.