Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / How have you changed since being with a narcissist

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How have you changed since being with a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people.
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  Today we're going to be talking about how did you change when
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  you got out of the relationship with a narcissist or why you
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  were in the relationship with a narcissist.
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  Who did you have to become? Who did you become?
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a self aware narcissist and welcome to another episode of
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  The Narcissist Code. Boom.
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  Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back folks.
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  Yes, yes, yes. Who?
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  How have you changed since you got into this relationship with
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  the narcissistic person or when you got out of it?
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  That's a very important question that I like to ask a lot of
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  people who are in my support groups, Right?
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  That'll probably be the topic this Sunday, in this Sunday
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  support group meeting we do every every Sunday evening on
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  Zoom and whatnot. Link is in the description of
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  every video and podcast that I do.
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  But yeah, who? How have you changed?
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  Because it's important to realize who did you have to
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  become to survive in this toxic relationship.
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  Like who did you have to become? How did you change the person
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  that you were originally to the person you became and the person
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  you are right now? I ask everybody this question
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  because you understand how much you sacrifice or how much pain
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  you endured and how much of A, how much of A badass you have to
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  be to survive a toxic, narcissistic, narcissistically
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  abusive relationship. It's important, you know,
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  because you could have went into the relationship being bright
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  and bubbly and funny and kind and caring and compassionate.
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  You could have had all of that stuff.
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  You could have done all of that, right?
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  But now you're quiet, you're meek, you're diminutive, you
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  don't go out as much, you don't have any of your friends, you
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  don't talk to your friends anymore.
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  You are a, for lack of a better word, you are a lone wolf, so to
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  speak. Now this happened, y'all, it's
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  one of these kind of wild sacrifices that you end up
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  making when you're in a relationship with a narcissist,
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  right? Not necessarily a sacrifice.
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  Sometimes it's a survival mechanism.
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  Sometimes you do sacrifice and change for this person.
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  They they say, I don't like when you do this.
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  I don't like when you do that. So you do change for the person
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  to try to make it work, right, Because that's how you end up
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  taking the you end up taking the blame for a lot of things that
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  go on inside the relationship. Like you end up blaming yourself
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  for a lot of things that are going on, a lot of things that
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  are happening, right? But in the end, you come to
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  realize like, wait a minute, what, how is this my fault?
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  How, how am I at fault here for anything that's happening,
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  anything that's going on? How am I at fault?
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  What, what is my fault here? What did, what did I do wrong in
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  this situation? I ask because it's important.
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  Y'all like you. When you, as you dig deeper into
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  who you are or who you had to become to survive these
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  situations, it helps you out so damn much on your healing
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  journey. And but like, I need y'all to
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  understand this as well, though, when I say help you out, it's
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  going to hurt. You know, it doesn't just like
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  helping you out doesn't mean that you're just like, yeah, I
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  smile, I'm smiling, I'm feeling good.
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  No, it's going to hurt. Because once you start to
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  realize how much you sacrifice for this person, how much you,
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  how much pain you endure, it's going to hurt.
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  And a lot of times it helps keep you away from this person.
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  A lot of times you understand like that, right?
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  Like, look, look what I gave up for this person.
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  What do they give up for me? What did they change about
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  themselves to help me out? What did they change about
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  themselves to to fit in my life? Who did they sacrifice?
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  Who did they give up? How many friendships did they
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  did they give up? How many friendships did they
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  sacrifice to be with me? None.
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  Nothing. No one.
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  You see you, you, you see what I'm saying?
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  Like you make so many sacrifices to make this person happy.
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  You make so many sacrifices to make this thing work and it ends
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  up being for naughty because this person doesn't appreciate
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  you. They don't, they don't
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  appreciate the sacrifice that you give.
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  They don't appreciate anything you do for them.
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  They, they think it's a prerequisite to be with them.
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  They, they think you're supposed to do this.
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  You're supposed to be here. You're supposed to do this with
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  me. You're supposed to, you know
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  what I mean? You supposed to sacrifice this
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  type of stuff for me because that's how it goes.
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  They expect you to make these sacrifice.
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  They expect, they expect it. They anticipated.
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  That's part of it right there, y'all, That is absolutely a big
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  piece of a big part of the how you change and how you grow
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  coming outside of these relationships.
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  And I want y'all to understand it.
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  You know, you notice I said earlier, I said most of the
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  times it helps keep people away from the toxic relationships to
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  understand what you sacrifice and how much you've changed.
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  Most of the times it helps keep people away.
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  Other people. Sometimes, y'all, it doesn't
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  keep people away. Sometimes people see how much
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  you sacrifice and feel like, feel like you've given up too
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  much to get to give up on the relationship right now.
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  That's how some people process it.
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  Even though the way I the way I'm presenting the message is to
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  help you leave and stay gone and help you understand it like this
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  might the best decision is to leave.
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  Some people interpret it as wooly.
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  I've already they, they have the, you know, y'all over here
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  to the the sunk cost fallacy. They feel like they've already
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  sacrificed so much that they, why would they walk away now?
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  I've given up. I've come too far.
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  I've been in it for 10 years. I'm not going to walk away on 10
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  years. I don't care how abusive it is.
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  10 years is too much, two kids is too much, three kids 4-5.
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  Some people have 5678 kids and you know, and like that this is
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  not me judging you, this is me just trying to tell y'all that
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  not everybody takes it. Not everybody receives the
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  information or receives the message like I intended for
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  intend for it to be received. You know, some people take it.
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  Like I said, some people just like what Lee what Lee means
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  give them another chance. Lee means stay.
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  No, Lee didn't say that. Lee said take the use this
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  information for what you will. Lee wants y'all to live happy,
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  healthy lives. Well, he didn't say go back a
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  get an abuser another chance because you got five years in
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  it. You know, get an abuser another
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  chance because you y'all bought a house together.
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  You know, it takes a, the market is slow.
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  It takes a while to sell a house now.
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  It takes longer to sell a house now.
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  Give that person a bigger opportunity to do this.
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  You see, this happens so much in these spaces, in these
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  relationships. You know, this is what
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  narcissist and toxic people do. This is how it becomes, this is
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  how it goes down. So I tell people, be prepared,
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  you know, because when you understand what you sacrifice,
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  write it down. Write down who you were when you
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  got into this relationship. Write down who you thought you
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  were. Write down your likes and
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  dislikes. Write down the things you love
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  to do, the things that made you happy before you got into this
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  relationship, right? And then write down who you are
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  now. Write down who you are now.
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  Like in one make. Make it 3 columns.
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  One column is who you were, leave it blank.
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  The other column is who you are now.
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  And then in the middle column, write down the changes.
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  Write down the changes. You can see how much you've
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  changed, how much you've sacrificed.
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  Write down the things that you've given up to make it work.
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  Only for them to keep doing the same things over and over again.
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  Only for them to not stop cheating.
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  Only for them to not stop lying. Only for them to not stop
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  abusing you, only for them to refuse to give you the bare
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  minimum. What the hell is that y'all?
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  What is that? Only for you to not get your
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  needs met, only for you to just lose all your friends and
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  family, only for you to feel like you're alone in the world,
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  only for you to sometimes go to this dark place.
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  Write down this middle column because that middle column is
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  going to is going to change your perspective again, Not
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  everybody's going to take the change and be like, I need to
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  leave. I need to go.
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  I don't need to contact this person anymore.
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  Some people are going to take the change as I need.
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  I need to go back. I don't want you to take the
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  changes. I need to go back because I got
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  so much invested into it. But you're you're going to live
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  the life that you want to live. You know, but just think about
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  this. If you feel like you know the
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  sunk cause fallacy, the sunk cause fallacy says you are going
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  to, you know, you already like you feel like you need to get
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  this person another chance because you already got so much
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  you, you suck in so much cost into the relationship that you
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  want to feel like you don't want to feel like it's going to
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  waste, but you have to understand it's already done.
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  It's already quote UN quote gone to waste, so to speak.
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  You can't get the time back. Regardless of whether or not you
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  go back into it. You can't get it back.
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  You already put it into it. It's already invested time is
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  something you can't get back. But you know what?
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  You know what you can do, You can waste more of it.
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  So for me, this is how I like to view things right here.
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  I like, it's not a waste of time to me.
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  If you learn something from it, you know it's not a loss if you
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  learn from it, right? That's why I tell you it's not a
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  loss if you learn from it. It's not a loss if you survive
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  it and get out of it. And you, you take it as you take
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  it, you, you learn something from it, right?
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  But if you go back into it, then you can't then, then you know,
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  you don't know what you don't know.
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  But now you do know. Right now you do know.
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  Now you see it. Now you understand.
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  You understand what's going on fully.
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  You see it. It's like your eyes have been
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  open right? Now, you do know the sunk cost
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  fallacy. You go to you, you, you like say
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  you can waste more time. You can't get the time back, but
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  you absolutely can waste more of it.
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  You can never reach, you would never go back in the past and
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  retrieve that time, but you absolutely can waste more of it.
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  I want y'all to win so damn bad, man.
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  I really, really do want y'all to win.
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  That's why I got my support groups.
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  That's why I'm writing my book. That's why I'm doing so many
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  things outside the the, you know what I mean?
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  That's why I started my reaction channel.
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  Lead that action. Check it out over there.
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  That's why I'm doing all of this stuff right now is because I
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  want to, I want to help as many people as possible win.
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  That's why I really, really want, I want y'all to win.
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  I want y'all to take advantage of life.
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  I want y'all to live life to the fullest extent possible because
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  that's what I'm trying to do. I want you to understand how
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  much you've changed in this relationship.
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  For somebody who not change, who hasn't changed for you, who
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  won't change for you, who who refusing to go to therapy.
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  I don't need to go to therapy. You need to go to therapy.
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  Why do I have to make the changes?
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  Why can't you make the changes? They'll blame you for not making
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  it. They'll they'll blame you for
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  like if you go to therapy, sometimes they'll stop you from
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  going to therapy. They're so dead set and so
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  focused on not changing themselves, but they'll stop you
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  from working on yourself. They don't want to see you
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  working on yourself. Ain't that crazy?
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  Ain't that insane That the fact that they love where you are
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  right now. They love the fact that you've
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  been beaten. Now they brag on it.
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  Look, they brag to their friends about it.
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  Like look how much look how much ought to change their bro?
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  Look at my lash. I got a whip.
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  She change, she do everything I want to.
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  I got a whip, got a whip. They pick on you behind your
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  back sometimes too, y'all. They embarrass you, they shame
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  you. So think about what you second,
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  not only what you like. So think about this right here,
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  y'all write a fourth column. I know I got y'all writing down
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  3 columns right? Write a fourth column and then
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  fourth column write down. How much more are you willing to
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  sacrifice? How much more time you willing
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  to give this person? How much more pain you willing
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  to endure for the, the, the smidge of a chance that they
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  might change their behaviors? How much more are you willing to
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  compromise your future goals and your plans?
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  How much more are you willing to give up on your dreams and
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  future goals for the for the shot at this making this
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  relationship work? How much more, how much more
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  y'all? I want to see y'all win.
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  I hope y'all, y'all can't feel my energy like, well, Lee wants
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  to win. I want you to win at the highest
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  level. I want you to thrive.
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  I want you to survive. I want you to, I want you to
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  just go to the next level and just keep going and going and
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  going like the like the damn Energizer Bunny with a, with a
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  new battery pack. Put that battery in your back,
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  y'all. How have you changed since
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  you've been in this types of relationships since you've
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  escaped it? You see what I'm saying?
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  I also need you to write a fifth column and this will be the last
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  thing right here. The 5th column is going to be
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  the positive changes that you've made to yourself since you got
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  out of it, since you escaped. Or if you're still in it, write
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  down who you want to be. Write down the positivity that
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  you want to attract into your life.
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  Write down the positivity in the boundaries, the boundaries that
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  you're going to set the, the, the dreams you're going to
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  chase, regardless of whether you were this person or not 'cause I
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  know everybody just can't not believe.
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  I don't. I'm not saying I'm not trying to
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  say that I want you to win right down in in the 6th column.
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  This is bonus points. Lee wants me to win, but I he
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  can't want me to win more than I want myself to win.
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  That's just factual you. I cannot want you to win more.
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  Do you want yourself to win because then you want to make
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  you want to take action anyway, y'all, thank y'all for tuning in
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  to another episode. I appreciate every single one of
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  y'all. I'm thankful for you.
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  There's a new camera I'm filming on.
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  Let me know how to what the sound, what you think about the
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  sound, the quality and whatnot. Subscribe to the channel and as
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  always, mental illness is out. Peace.
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  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
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  I am extremely grateful for you Have no idea?
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  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
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  to the channel. Help us reach more people and
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  click on the screen to watch another video or to browse to
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  another playlist. There's also a link on the
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  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
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  you heal and understand what you've been through.
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  Thank you so much again. I will see you in the next
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  video. Peace.