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247. What Happens When You Stop Holding It Together After Divorce: A Live IFS Session Between Producer Joy & Coach Tiffini · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: We just wrapped up in a live IFS session where Coach Tiffany coached Producer Joy through an IFS session, and I am shook.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: It was amazing.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Producer Joy was able to work through some wild old memories and really create some big shifts and this is an episode you do not want to miss.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Towards the end, I pop in, we start to have some conversation.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I just couldn't hold it in anymore.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: It was so exciting.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: We talk a little bit about how to integrate somatics into the IFS process and if about three quarters into the session where Coach Tiffany asks Producer Joy to have some internal dialogue you may not be able to hear this on the tape, but from the back of the room I was like add some bilateral stimulation, aka do some EMDR.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: So this session truly was an integrative piece of magic.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: It was pre-facilitated by homeopathy, facilitated by Coach Tiffany and Producer Joy.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then add a little EMDR and, hot damn, enjoy, hi love.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: Hi Joy, hi Tiffany.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: So today I'm really excited to get the opportunity to do IFS with Joy and I'm excited to dig into Joy's parts a little bit.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: How are you feeling about everything?
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: I'm excited.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: I'm a little nervous, but I'm here for it.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: I like knowing myself better, so in full disclosure.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: We were sitting out on the balcony a couple of days ago and Joy asked if she could know what the questions were that I was going to ask her because Joy has a controller manager that needs to know how we're going to do everything today and I would not answer no, she wouldn't.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: No clues, no clues.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: Joy, do you want to talk about the thing that kind of is the most prominent to you in your adult life right now, the thing that seems to stand in your way more than anything and is the loudest in your head, because you and I discussed this prior.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: We know which manager you're going to work on today, but if you want to just explain which manager we're going to tackle and why that means the most to you right now for this point in your life.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so so at this juncture, at this season, I am really focused in working on my people pleasing manager, in which I make myself smaller so other people are more comfortable and I suppress or push down any thoughts or feelings or ideas or attitudes or anything that I would be more most authentic in, or to to make other people comfortable and to please other people, to to make them happy, because if they're happy, I'm safe.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Can you remember the first time that you started to feel this way?
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Not specifically.
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: I remember as a child my mother, who loved me fiercely.
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: I'm not shaming her, but there was a pattern of behavior in which if I disappointed her, if I said something that hurt her feelings, that she would stop speaking to me and she would stop, she would withdraw herself.
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: Um, sometimes weeks at a time, because I hurt her feelings, her feelings were hurt I, I.
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: It was never an action, it was always a word or a sentence or like something that I cut her with my words and she just couldn't.
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: So she just shut down, like she just removed herself from my presence as a child, okay.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: And as a child, what do you remember that feeling like in your body?
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: I felt very scared.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: I felt very unsure, unsafe, you know, as a teen years.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: Of course that was, I would roll my eyes and whatever mom Right, but like that, needing to be good, to be loved, I needed to be.
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: I needed to perform a certain way and be quiet and just be pleasing.
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: I wasn't allowed to have, I wasn't allowed, you know like big emotions, big feelings.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: For those of you who don't know producer joy, she is like a ray of sunshine, she is a force.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: So to know that that was suppressed, that's sad to me.
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: I'm doing it now.
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: I'm, I'm, I'm literally in my body, like I don't want her to hear this and and think that I think she was a bad mom.
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: You know, like I'm doing it in my body now, thinking like no, no, no, she was a good mom, she loved me and did her best, but she had unhealed parts, you know, like her childhood.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: So like I feel myself doing it.
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: Okay, all right.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: So what we'll do, joy, is we'll go ahead and get started.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: So the manager that Joy wants to address today is her people pleaser.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: So that is where we're going to start out and go today.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: So, joy, I want you to go ahead and close your eyes for me, and I want you to take just a few deep breaths now.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: I want you to go ahead and envision yourself in a place that you feel safe and you feel calm, and then, when you're there in your mind, I want you to describe to me where you are.
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: I'm in the mountains.
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: The breeze is cool, the birds are singing, the leaves in the trees are rustling, the little stream is trickling, the sun is like streaming through the tree line.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: So I want you to imagine that, as you're walking through the woods, you happen to see your people, pleaser, manager, and I want you to describe for me initially what they look like so the first thing I saw was a little girl, me being small about.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: How old do you think she is?
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: maybe nine at nine it's.
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: It's when I was.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: I was riding.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: We had a white explorer and I was riding in the back because, you know, back then you didn't have seat belts.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: So I I was riding in the back because, you know, back then you didn't have seatbelts.
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: So I was laying down in the back end and I heard her tell my dad that she didn't like me.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: They thought I was asleep and they were having a very frank conversation about me and I heard her say the words that she didn't like me and my people pleasing because I said that out loud.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: Now my people pleasing is well, I had ADD and she couldn't handle me and all the things and so, like that's the little girl that wasn't good enough and wasn't safe enough to be me.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: So when you walk up to her Joy in the woods and you see her there, what does she do?
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: When she notices you, she like shies away a little bit, Okay.
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: She like steps back.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: And then, as you approach her and ask her if you're allowed to sit down and have a conversation with her, what does she say?
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: Yes, okay, she wants to make me happy.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Is there anything else that you notice about her physically, or just that she is a mirror image of you at nine?
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: She has unruly hair.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: And how do you feel in your body sitting next to her?
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: And how do you feel in your body sitting next to her?
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: I feel scared.
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: Okay, I feel unsure, like I'm going to say something that scares her, because I'm going to do something that makes her feel unloved or uncomfortable.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: Do you feel like there's another part coming forward that's trying to protect her?
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: I just want to hold her, okay, and then, if that feels good, you can do that and see if she'll come sit up with you.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: So I'd like you to ask her, joy, how old does she think you are?
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: Old, okay, old, okay, so she recognizes your current age, or does she think that you're older than you are?
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: She probably feels that I'm older than I am.
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: And can you ask her how she ended up getting her job as the people pleaser To keep the peace?
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: And when you were younger, growing up, how well does she think she did her job?
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: Not well, and why is that?
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: I think she feels like she was never good enough.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: And now, in this phase of your life, how good of a job does she think she's doing as your people pleaser?
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: I think she has spent many, many years trying hard to keep me safe and to like, if she works a little bit harder and she does a little bit more, people will like me and stay, and people will like me and want me around.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: What is she afraid is going to happen to you if she doesn't do her job?
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: That no one actually likes me.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: If I'm not what they want me to be, then they'll leave.
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: Like that, I don't actually have anybody in my life.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: What would she rather be doing?
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Having fun?
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: What does she feel like she needs to see from you in order to step back in her job?
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: Me to be a stronger and authentic like secure in being me, being stronger.
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: That resonates.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: What else does she want you to know, Joy?
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: That.
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: I'm good enough, I'm allowed to be opinionated and I'm allowed to be right and I'm allowed to be loud.
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: And I'm not just talking about the loud laugh or a loud volume, but like, take up space what are some things that you want to tell her?
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: that she did a really good job and that I'm okay so what I want you to do now, joy, and that I'm okay.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: So what I want you to do now, joy, is, when you feel ready, you can have some internal conversation with her if you would like, and then, when you're ready, you can just come back out and tell me when you're ready.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: So how are you feeling after that?
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: I feel good, I feel I gave her a big hug and said thank you.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: So a second piece of this, then, is going back to rework the memory of that day when she was created, in the back of the car right.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: So how would you have wanted that day to go differently?
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: How should that day have gone for you?
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: I think that any child hearing their parent say something derogatory about them behind their back, it's just, it cuts you and molds you.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: So I wish I had like sat up and said what did you mean by that?
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: Or I wish I had been brave enough not to pretend I was asleep so I want you to close your eyes for me and just take a couple deep breaths, and I want you to just imagine joy that you are walking as yourself up to the car and you are taking that little girl into your arms.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: And what would you tell?
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: her about that day.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: It's okay because I like you more, and it's okay because I like you more?
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: And if you were to bring her into your life now, where do you feel like she would be the most happy?
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: And what do you see her doing?
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: Being wild?
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: being free, being loud, being educated, not reprimanded.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: So, coming back out of that, the way that we put the pieces together in this is recognizing those initial body sensations that you have when you start to feel like your people pleaser manager is about ready to come on scene.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: So when you feel like you're being judged or you're starting to feel feelings of insecurity or somebody says a comment, how does your body tell you?
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: yeah, so my arms, the, the skin on my arms gets tingly.
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: You know, earlier, when I said that thing about my mom, like no, no, no, she loved me, because my whole, my whole arms, the topical skin of my arms just went ablaze, I could see them get red.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like you changed quickly.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: Oh really, oh yeah.
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: It's a visible change too.
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: That's interesting.
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: Okay, that's so interesting.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so the whole point of reworking that memory is that the next time it's being very self-aware, that the next time you start feeling that sensation in your body, I want you to picture nine-year-old joy in your world, now, feral and wild, and doing her thing, whether that's in the backyard with the dogs you know, doing whatever she wanted to do catching fireflies with the dogs, you know, doing whatever she wanted to do catching fireflies, flying a cat, like whatever it is.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: But your body and your brain will learn to bring that into your memory.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: That will be the new memory because, right now.
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: What's happening every single time is that when you feel that sensation in your body and people pleaser comes up, she goes right back to being in the back of that car.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: Oh, so you have to give your brain, an individual.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: Okay, okay.
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: So when my arms are on fire, I grab that little girl out.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: Yes, okay, and you just keep bringing her back into your world until it incorporates, and that's where your brain automatically goes.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: Okay, that's fascinating.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: Okay, that's fascinating yeah.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: So, joy, why don't you go ahead and just get up for me, shake it out a little bit and then come back and tell me what you're noticing?
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: So the reason, too, why we're asking Joy to get up and move around is because it is expelling all of that energy and it is resetting the memory as well.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: It's allowing her to get up and get wild and free, and the thing that I asked her to do is the thing that she can do, and so it kind of like cements that in her mind.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: So, joy, what I would ask you to do over the next couple of weeks is, I would ask you to be very intentional and self-aware when you start feeling that sensation in your body, to start bringing her into your world.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: I would also challenge you to start setting boundaries with those around you and if you don't understand what someone is telling you, challenge back.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: What did you mean by that?
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: What does that mean?
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: Okay, do not sit and let it ruminate in your brain, because that's that's the cycle, that's the cycle you're in.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: So, instead of speaking up, you're still that little girl in the back of the car, afraid to get up, and say hello, I'm here.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I need to know what's happening.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Mm-hmm, when we're re-mapping a memory and we can pull the somatics in, just like Coach Tiffany had you get up and shake it off, right.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: So when you're doing this work over the next couple of weeks and you feel that movement on your skin, speaking up may not feel super available right away because it's a new pattern, it's a new behavior and any new pattern feels awkward and it doesn't always come naturally right away.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: So anytime we can include somatics.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: If you were at a fancy function and you were just a Tay and a wind, what's?
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: that movie I don't remember my girlfriend Ty used to always quote that that would be hysterical.
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: And it would be classic joy.
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: I envision like those, those blowy things, yeah, and like the advertisement outside things, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: And like the advertisement outside businesses, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yeah, you're like.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: No, but just the idea.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: When you make that mental connection with that nine-year-old girl and you say, hey, let's you know, it can almost be like your own little inner secret, like your inside joke with yourself, right?
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: So yes, if I see you across the ballroom giggling and like shaking, I'll know what you're doing right.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: But it's just that little internal nod to her yeah, and to physically move it will be easier for her to find her voice right.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: It's creating that neural pathway.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: So there's a book that I love, that I read so many moons ago, called Waking the Tiger, and it's a trauma book, but it talks about how, when our typical pattern is fight, flight, freeze, fawn, we all have a typical right and in this particular memory it was freeze, yeah, Right, you described feeling frozen.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: So if, as you're re reimagining this memory and you're breaking this pattern, if you can do movement, it will help integrate the new way of doing it and it'll make the vocal part of hey, what do you mean by that?
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, come easier and it'll just help it all integrate, because we know from talk therapy right that if we are only healing through talking, yeah, it's just not going to go deep enough.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: right, we have to add the somatics, we have to add the subconscious belief, right?
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: So it's like just pulling all these things together.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, somatically okay, even if the movement is small.
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: Right, that makes sense.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: That makes sense, but like um, I could add a delicate butterfly tap, yeah, anything, yep, it's just the idea of not being frozen right, that's it.
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: I do freeze for sure.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: Okay, what?
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: What's so?
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: What's so interesting about this particular memory is that I've done emdr around my mom, hearing my mom, but I've never thought about me like the fact that I didn't sit up or I didn't protect myself or I didn't like it didn't.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: I never have gone there before.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: So you did EMDR on this memory.
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: I did EMDR about telling like the whole not good enough.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: But did that memory come up, mm-hmm.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: And was this pre-homeopathy?
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: This was pre-homeopathy, so that's the thing, right, love's like Love's.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: I need you to hear this.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: Joy went to EMDR.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: She did some good EMDR work but your level of dissociation was too high and, honestly, what you were describing as being frozen in the back of the car and not having the courage, we're not going to call that not having the courage anymore.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: We're going to call that dissociation.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: That is probably not in any way the first time you dissociated right Because a mom that's already speaking that way about her child has already acted away energetically for the nine years leading up to that moment?
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: Okay, so you were dissociated in the back of that car.
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: That makes that clicks it.
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: Just I'm going to start crying again.
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: That's okay, everything that clicks everything.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: And so what homeopathy did is it opened all of the pathways, it cleared all the energetic blocks, reinforcing dissociation, and so, when you did this session with Tiffany, you were able to have the emotional release that you never, ever, had not from that day when the event happened and not in the EMDR pre-homeopathy right.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: And so it's not that you didn't get any benefit from the EMDR.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: You connected some dots right, you understood yourself better, you were maybe able to release to whatever degree you were able to reach into that right, but it was largely intellectual, not embodied.
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: Today you experienced the relief of an emotional release, and now it is so much more likely that that memory passes back into long-term storage, where it was meant to go, in a non-dissociative process.
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: Wow, my mind is like so blown right now because coming into today, I truly was just like I've done so much work.
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: I don't know how good this episode is going to be.
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: Like I can't I don't even know if I can access what she's wanting me to access anymore, so I cannot even articulate.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: But this is the point, right.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Anywhere you are experiencing patterns in your relationships, right, and this pattern comes up in our relationship.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: We're letting them see behind the podcast microphone, right, this pattern comes up in our relationship a lot, like in hearing this session.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: It is so much easier to love you now Knowing these little like, these little textures, right.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Like when this pattern comes up, I know where it's coming from.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Now I understand which part I'm talking to and how to love that part, right?
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: So anytime you're having patterns come up in any of your relationships, so for our listeners, whether this is in dating, and the same thing gets triggered on a first date or a third date or a 12th date, or it's- coming up with their kiddos or it's coming up with their ex.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Anytime we're seeing repetitive patterns where we're going to not good enough or lonely or insecure or anxious or whatever it is.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: There is some memory somewhere with something hung up.
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Otherwise the pattern wouldn't be patterning.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: So I was in the room for this entire session.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: It changed my life to hear it right, because these are two women that I love so fiercely and so deeply and now I just, you know, get to know more and love them harder, and all the things.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: You are pure magic.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: Peace, dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by my coach, dawn.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: You can find more at mycoachdawncom.