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Unapologetic Vulnerability with Zahabiyah Yamasaki: from the archives · The Trauma Therapist

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Or today we even another episode from the archives with one of my incredible guests.
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Enjoy or welcome back to the Trauma Thepist podcast. My name is guiming
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Person. My mission is to help trauma therapists be their incredible selves, to
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be human, to be real, not just a clinician. I'm a big
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believer in who we are is more important than what we know, and this
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requires cultivating authenticity, genuineness, and vulnerability, and that requires intention. Can
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learn more about my courses and workshops by going to the Trauma Therapist project dot
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com. That's the Trauma Therapist Project dot com. Let's get started, all
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right, guys, Welcome back to the Trauma Therapist Podcast. Very excited to
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introduce my guest today, Zabi Yamasaki. Zabi welcome. Thank you guy for
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having me on the podcast. It's a real honor to share in the space
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and have this time with you and your audience. All right. Zabby truly
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believes in the healing power of yoga and has had the opportunity to transform her
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own trauma through the healing asana practice for years. Rather, Zabby's than faltering
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support for survivors of sexual violence has manifested itself in many forms. She's ultimately
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made it her life's goal to help empower survivors of assault to regain their strength
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and self worth. Zabby is a founding individual practitioner of the Breathe Network,
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an organization that connects survivors of sexual violence to holistic healing arts practitioners that offer
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all services on a sliding scale. She's the founder of Transcending Sexual Trauma through
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Yoga, and organization with the mission of empowering survivors to heal the practice of
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yoga. Awesome love your mission obviously the Zabby, that's just a little bit
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about you, But share with our listeners where you're from and where you're calling
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from, and then let's do it. Sure, Hi everyone, I am
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based here in Los Angeles. As Guy mentioned, I am the founder of
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an organization called Transcending Sexual Trauma through Yoga, which is an organization with a
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very simple mission empowering survivors to heal through the practice of yoga, and I
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work part time as the program director of Trauma Informed Programs at UCLA. Awesome,
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Awesome, and did you see where you're from? Yes, born and
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raised in southern California, but my parents were born in Mumbai in India,
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and that's actually you know, connects very deeply to the roots of yoga and
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why I even feel so connected to this practice since yoga is a practice that
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comes from India and started as a means to transcend people suffering. So I
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feel like that's a big part of my identity. And wife also connected to
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this modality. So let's start out here, as we most often do,
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with a quote a mantra saying what do you have for a savvy amantra?
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Are saying? Or quote? Well, I have two? Can I hear
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two? Of course? Well? The first is a quote from ee Gioma
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Umbanyu, who is an incredible poet from Lagos, Nigeria. You may have
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heard this quote before, but it is healing comes in waves, and maybe
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today the wave hits the rocks and that's okay. That's okay, darling,
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you are still healing. You are still healing. Wow. I love that.
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I haven't heard that. I love that. I spell the attribution again
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the name of the person. Sure, it's I j O m A ee
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Gioma and the last name is Umbanyu U M E b I n y u
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O. Awesome, awesome, Okay, what's your next one? So the
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next one is a longer one. It's from a woman named Danielle Kpoke,
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whose writing is actually guided by sort of this concept of unapologetic vulnerability. She's
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a current graduate student in clinical psychology. And I read this quote often in
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many of the trauma and formed yoga classes that I teach, and it goes.
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Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself, trying to
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become smaller, quieter, less sensitive, less opinionated, less needy, and
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less need because I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to
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be too much or push p full away. I wanted people to like me.
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I wanted to be cared forward and valued. I wanted to be wanted.
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So for years I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy.
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And for years I suffered. But I'm tired of suffering, and I'm
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done shrinking. It's not my job to change who I am in order to
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become someone else's idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile, not
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because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I
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matter. My thoughts matter, my feelings matter, my voice matters, and
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with or without anyone's permission or approval, I will continue to be who I
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am and speak my truth, even if it makes people angry, even if
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it makes them uncomfortable, even if they choose to leave, I refuse to
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shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings,
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and I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I
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choose to make self care priority, and I always choose me. Danielle Copoke
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Man, seriously, two amazing quotes. That last one just gave me goosebumps.
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Literally, let's go with that last one. If it's okay, Why
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why does that resonate with you? And when did that start happening for you?
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Sure you know I think as you articulated. Every time I every time
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I hear these words, every time I read these words to many of the
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survivors of sexual assault in my classes, I just think it speaks so beautifully
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to what it means to show up for our lives while honoring the many paradoxes,
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the many dualities of the healing journey, the very unlinear process in embodying
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resilience, the ebbs and the flows, and I think, you know,
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for many survivors of sexual trauma, they oftentimes move through their lives not being
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believed, feeling very small, feeling like they have to hide their pain or
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perhaps even move through it in isolation. And I think that this quote speaks
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to the struggle with speaking their truth and honoring their needs and how beautiful it
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can be when we take up all the space we need and we deserve.
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And I feel like trauma survivors cannot be reminded enough of their worthiness and of
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their of their ability to be able to not shrink, to take up all
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the space that they deserve. And so every time I hear these words and
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I read them in class, as you know, you see the tears streaming
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downfall spaces. You see maybe a hand over the heart or a hand on
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the belly. You know, they tend to really internalize these words, and
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they speak, you know, very much in alignment with what their experience may
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have been or continues to be. How did you how did thank you for
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that clarification? And I would even say, I mean, it just speaks
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beautifully to being a human, right, I mean, you know, not
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just people who've experienced trauma, but how did you get here, Zabby such
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said, I mean, we're talking and you've pursued this path and you're dedicating
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your life to empowering survives. How did you get here and tell us that
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story? Sure, gosh, there's so much to say. Where do I
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even begin? I think? For me, you know, I carry some
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of my most painful and traumatic experiences in my body. My body remembers,
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and there are still so many places within myself that feel very fragile, that
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feel very tender, that need extra nourishment and support and intentionality. And each
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day for me is really a recommitment to leving myself more fully, to being
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attuned in any given moment to what my body needs and what it's communicating to
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me. And you know, living with trauma can make it really difficult to
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access parts of ourselves that feel frozen or numb or even too painful to explore.
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And for me, as a survivor of sexual trauma, I spent years
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searching for a cure to my suffering. I suffered quite viscerally from the impact
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of my trauma, whether it was manifested as overwhelming anxiety or GI issues or
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flashbacks, nightmares, toxic relationships, over working the list goes on. You
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know, it really wasn't until I arrived to the practice of yoga that I
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recognized that reclaiming choice with my body was going to be an ongoing process for
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the rest of my life. And when I was within the four corners of
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my mat I started to recognize that I could protect my energy, that I
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could protect my peace. I gradually started embracing relief and joy, even if
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those moments were really fleeting for me. The practice of yoga has helped me
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find words for what those internal sensations are communicating to me. But the practice
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has also given me permission to move forward when there are just no words to
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do justice to what I'm experiencing. And I think it's you know, it's
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allowed me to take control of my healing and very profound way is helping me
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feel more grounded, helping me really get into my window of tolerance, starting
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to notice when I might be moving in and out of dysregulation. It's given
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me a tool for self expression and self compassion, and it's helped me find
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a safe home within myself. And I know for many trauma survivors, seeking
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safety or finding safety within ourselves can be an ongoing challenge, you know,
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and yoga certainly can never take away anything that has been done to me,
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but it's certainly shown me that my light is very, very bright. And
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you know, as a woman of color, it's taken me years to truly
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see myself to believe that my voice matters and what I have to say matters.
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You know. I think even when I started doing and teaching some of
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these trauma and formed yoga trainings, I had to take moments to pause and
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say, can I do this? Am I worthy of sharing my voice?
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Do people want to learn from me? And so my practice is something that
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I can continue to come back to that just helps ground me amidst the chaos.
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How did you how did you find yoga within your healing journey? Talk
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a little bit about that. That's a great question, you know. I
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was just having this conversation with someone recently because the two, you know,
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my trauma used to be in this box over here, and then my yoga
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practice was in this box over here, And to be honest, I didn't
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always initially make the connection between the two that my yoga was my yoga practice
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was playing such an integral role in my healing, But I started to sort
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of, you know, it wasn't even something that I recognize on my own
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own. Others started reflecting back to me some of the things that I had
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been working on in therapy for years that I just couldn't quite make that connection
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to. And it was, you know, you just seem you seem lighter,
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you seem happier, you seem like something has lifted, You seem like
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you're not carrying around this burden. You know, it was it was hard
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for people to articulate. And I think as people started reflecting it back to
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me, and I was so committed to my practice, you know, as
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difficult and as messy as it was, you know, sometimes I would arrive
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to my mat and just cry. You know. There wasn't a lot of
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movement happening, but it was certainly a safe place that I could return to.
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And I realized that I wasn't the only person who was looking for another
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way to heal from my trauma, and I wanted to share their practice with
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others. And that's what really brought me to what I'm doing now. How
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did you get from there to teaching to this place where this is your mission?
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How did that happen. Oh my gosh, it's been such a beautiful
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journey. It's you know, transcending sexual trauma through yoga. It started as
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a very small vision and it has now grown in ways beyond my imagination.
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I'm I'm now working with over twenty college campuses and trauma agencies and helping them
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infuse trauma informed yoga into the current scope of their services and training yoga teachers
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and mental health professionals in this modality from all across the world. And you
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know, to be honest, guy with it initially started as an idea.
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I wanted to develop an eight week program for sexual assault survivors. I developed,
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I wrote this curriculum that aligns with the needs of survivor experiences. So
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the themes include things like assertiveness and boundaries and self care and safety. And
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from there, you know, I just continued to offer the curriculum. I
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spoke at conferences. Other universities would start to refer me to folks who had
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a good experience working with me, and then it just continued building and building.
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And I used to be this, you know, I was like the
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traveling Yogi. I had all of the yoga mat in the back of my
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car and I was driving from one university and one trauma agency to the next,
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trying to teach all of these classes myself. I mean, that was
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definitely an early mistake and something that I have learned a lot from. And
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then I realized, you know, I want to teach this modality. I
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want to teach what I've learned from holding space for trauma survivors within these various
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yoga settings. I want to share it with other people. And I,
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you know, had a collaboration with a local donation based yoga studio called Be
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the Change here in Irvine, California, And it started as me just offering
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a weekly trauma informed yoga class at the studio, and then it grew to
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me leading teacher trainings there and now folks come from all over to participate in
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them. And started was this very organic you know, I think that's the
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power and the beauty of passion and believing in our voice and believing that we
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have something to share and just trusting in those gifts. And that's what I
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did, and I nurtured it, and I learned about marketing, and you
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know, it's really a family business. My husband takes the photographs my sister
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in law does the website, and I think there's something really special about that
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too, about it being nurtured by the family as well. I mean,
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it's it sounds easy in one sense to talk about. Okay, you know
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you had this, uh, I mean the transition. I'm curious about the
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transition z Abby for you of uh, you know, discovering the healing power
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of yoga for yourself and then moving into this place where you're actually you know,
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teaching and consulting what was going on? And I know it's it's you
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know, it doesn't come like in a flash. But if you could talk
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about that, that process where you discovered well, wait a minute, I'm
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getting you know, this is really quote unquote working for me. I'm seeing
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this this shift in myself. Let me then take this next step and help
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others talk more about that process than nuts and bolts of that for you.
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Yeah, absolutely, Well, I think it might help to kind of give
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some of the background pieces on sort of my mission and what sort of eventually
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brought me to that place with that? Is that okay to start there?
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Yea? You know, I one of my something I feel very passionate about
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is helping the world understand how critical it is to respond to the nuances of
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the needs of sexual trauma survivors. And you know, in a lot of
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my professional roles, I was giving presentations on trauma, you know, talking
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about the impact of trauma, talking about how to support survivors. And as
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I was presenting without a doubt, after every presentation I would facilitate, there
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would be a number of survivor disclosures afterwards. And I started to engage in
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numerous conversations with survivors, and many of them there were some consistent themes that
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started coming up. One was this need to feel something tangible. You know,
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rivers really wanted to feel like they could regain power and control of their
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body. They were looking for something to help them manage the painful triggers and
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the physiological symptoms that were arising every single day. And another was many of
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them were just not quite ready to process their experiences through talk therapy. And
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we know, you know, due to the impact of trauma on the brain.
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We also know how difficult it can be for survivors to recount certain memories
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associated with their trauma and the shame and blame they oftentimes experience from folks even
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during the help seeking process, and I just felt so passionate about integrating body
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based modalities into the healing process. You know, I felt like my healing
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was so interconnected with the survivors that I was working with, and I wanted
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to create a very soulful and intersect actional programs that spoke to the language of
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the body, because we know how the spectrum of healing is so vast,
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and everyone that listens to your podcasts and that you've interviewed knows that not every
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survivor will heal in the same way, and due to things like stigma around
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help seeking or cultural barriers, I feel like it's so critical that we increase
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accessibility to these multiple pathways. And you know, actually, there's something that
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has changed my practice in profound ways as I think about the impact of trauma
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on the body and how we carry certain physiological symptoms. So Amy Wheeler,
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she is an amazing yoga therapist, and she talks about this concept of vasanas,
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which are essentially emotional imprints that live in the body. They oftentimes get
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deep rooted or hardwired or lodged in various areas of our body depending on the
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nature of our trauma, and when they remain in our body undigested or unprocessed,
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when the nervous system is overwhelmed, trauma symptoms begin to manifest, right,
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So this can impact our nervous system or endocrine system or physiology, and
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we can start experiencing things like chronic pain or illness or other physical symptoms.
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And I just continue to see survivors coming forward who weren't necessarily getting support in
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any other way. And to give you some context, in the first quarter
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that we offered the yoga program at UCLA, the Trauma and Formed Yoga Program,
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we had forty sexual assault survivors submit an interest form to want to participate,
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and of those forty, only ten of them were currently connected to a
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victim advocate or to mental health support in some capacity. So the other the
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other thirty this was their first entry point in getting any type of support related
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to their trauma. And that is just a really profound moment for me when
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I recognize, you know, we were losing too many survivors who weren't coming
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forward to seek support because perhaps traditional methods of healing weren't at the time accessible
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for them. And so I really started to pay attention to the demographics,
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to the numbers, to recognize that we had to be more intentional about finding
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another way to get folks connected to support and now here I am than me.
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That's such an incredible story, Zavy. What do you think it is,
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I mean about you that allows you to do this work? I mean,
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you know this is your mission book. What do you think it is
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about yourself that allows you to keep doing this on a day to day basis?
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Oh? Is that a self? Is that a hidden self care question?
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No? No, no, no, no no, no, it
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wasn't. It wasn't a section. I didn't intend it as a self care
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care question, but I'm just curious. What do you What do you think
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it is that allows you not in an endurance sense, but in a in
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a kind of quote unquote why your why sense? Yeah? Oh gosh,
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I think that I there's so much that I want to stay here, And
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you know, I like to talk a lot, so be thoughtful about what
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I say. But I feel like I feel very committed to helping survivors find
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this balance between safety and vulnerability, between grief and joy, you know,
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constantly reminding students that they're never alone in their struggle, you know, in
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the healing spaces that I strive to cultivate in this work, the community feel
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is very palpable. There's something that's really powerful about survivors coming together in community,
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breathing together, moving together. You know, perhaps they're not there to
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talk about their past experiences of trauma, but there's something that really shifts in
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the room, and it's such a beautiful process to be witnessed too. And
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I think that, you know, when I started paying attention to the difference
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between how I felt, perhaps when I was out there doing trauma presentations or
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doing outreach, you know, running from from one presentation to the next,
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or one meaning to the next, and then the difference between how I would
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feel after those days versus how I would feel after leading a trauma informed yoga
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class. The energy that I had at the end of the day was vastly
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different, you know, like I was doing something that I felt passionate about
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and connected to, but not in a way that overwhelmed me. Like I've
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really been thinking about this question a lot of you know, how can we
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how can we do what we love but not be overcome by it? And
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in sort of thinking about the concept of trauma. You know, I really
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feel like I've been thinking a lot recently about how overworking is a big symptom
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of my trauma, and I never thought about it that way. And the
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more that I've given that concept in being intentional about it and taking a space
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I need and being committed to my own rituals, it allows me to honor
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the responsibility of what it means to hold space for others. So think is
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that making sense? I have so many thoughts that I'm it's making It's making
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a lot of sense, you know. I just think that your process and
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your journey and listening to how it's unfolded is uh, it's it's really inspiring.
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I love talking to people like yourself who are on a mission too,
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and especially with this topic. I mean, it's just so crazy. I
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mean, in your experience currently, are are you seeing more people willing to,
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you know, get help, willing to raise your hands and say you
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know what I need help. What's what's your experience you mean as a result
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of participating. Yeah, in the other part, yes, absolutely, thank
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you for asking that question, because I have found that for many of the
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survivors that I've worked with that yoga provides a different entry point for folks to
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seek safety. And we're finding that many survivors, you know, not only
27:22
through the yoga program are they gaining tools to help manage symptoms of PTSD or
27:26
anxiety or depression. You know, it's helping them manage triggers or panic attacks
27:33
as they arise, but it's also empowering them to seek additional resources in their
27:37
recovery. And so, you know, when I'm giving presentations on trauma informed
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Yoga and thinking about sort of the multiple pathways and multiple approaches to care,
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I oftentimes have a slide up that has different bubbles. You know, the
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survivors in the center because they trauma informed care is you know, holds this
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deep knowing and this deep belief that the survivor is at the center of their
28:03
own experience. But there's many different resources that are available to them, and
28:07
it can feel so overwhelming to know where to begin. You know, do
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I go speak to the victim advocate, Should I go to the support group
28:15
that's only running once a month, or should I make an appointment to meet
28:19
with a therapist. But I don't know how to find a therapist who's a
28:22
good fit, you know, there's so many barriers to navigate in the process.
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And as I think about all of those resources that survivors are oftentimes presented
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with, I think about cush You know, how can we not give them
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the tools to help balance their nervous systems as they start to sift through all
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of the chaos of it, you know, all of this information. We
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need to give them the tools to help find that safety and find that support
28:55
within themselves so they can make informed decisions about what they need and what best
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serves. And so I'm finding that the yoga program has really been integral to
29:03
that, and it's allowed me to work so collaboratively with my colleagues. For
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you know, many survivors decide after the yoga program that they feel empowered to
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report their assault to law enforcement or to the Title nine office on campus because
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they feel so strong and stable in their body and they've developed this incredible community
29:23
of support, or they're ready to address their medical needs, or they feel
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like, wow, I've processed a lot of trauma and my body, I
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want to talk about it with somebody who help me with that process. And
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it's beautiful to see the resources working so collaboratively to best support the needs of
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the survivor. So I just want to remind everybody that I'm speaking with Zabby
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Yamasaki and she can be reached at Zabby Yamasaki dot com. Links we'll be
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up to the show notes page at the Trauma the Divers podcast dot com or
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Zaby. Let's kind of shift gears here and have you offer a go to
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book or two, whether trauma related or yoga related or not. What do
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you what do you recommend? Oh? Just one? No, you can
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do too. My favorite, my all time favorite is Yoga for Emotional Balance
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by Bou Forbes. She's an incredible yoga therapist based in Boston. And I
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also love the book Survivors on the Yoga Map by Becky Thompson. Okay,
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she's actually been a past guest here on the podcast she has Becky Thompson.
30:45
Yeah. So that's Survivors on the Yoga Map by Becky Thompson and Yoga for
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Emotional Balance Simple Practices to help Relieve Anxiety and Depression by bo Forbes. Awesome,
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All right, so you, Zab, so if someone wants to get
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in touch with you, let me rephrase that, who should get in touch
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with you? Sure? So there's a number of ways that I work with
31:15
folks. I offer three day in person trauma and formed Yoga teacher trainings that
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are open to anyone, so yoga teachers, mental health professionals who want to
31:26
learn how to teach from a trauma and formed lens that's both in person and
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online. And I work with survivors of sexual trauma teaching classes in the community
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here in Los Angeles and also online. And I work as a consultant for
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a number of trauma agencies and university So folks are interested in learning how to
31:48
start a program at their agency, I'm happy to support in that process.
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Awesome, Okay. And the best way for people to get in contact with
31:59
you is my website is great. I also keep my Instagram updated pretty frequently,
32:07
so it's transcending Underscore Trauma Underscore with Underscore Yoga. Okay, we'll have
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that linked up also, our Zabi, thank you so much for taking the
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time to do this. You are a powerhouse. I mean, you're on
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a mission and I love it. I mean, this is incredible. I
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mean I think it's just what people need out there. It's just it's just
32:32
inspiring talking to you. Oh it was so inspiring talking to you. That
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was so fast. No, it goes fast. I'll have you back.
32:42
Awesome. Thank you so much. Guy. All right, take care,
32:45
Okay, you too, right,