Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / WHY THEY WANT THE CHASE: How Pursuing a Narcissist Validates the Ab*se

Transcript

WHY THEY WANT THE CHASE: How Pursuing a Narcissist Validates the Ab*se · The Mental Healness Podcast

0:02
So you think you're fighting for your marriage.
0:06
You do, don't you? You think you're showing them
0:09
that your love is unconditional. Like you think that narcissists,
0:12
the toxic people, just want unconditional love and you think
0:15
that's enough for them. But as someone that is diagnosed
0:18
with narcissistic personality disorder, I can tell you
0:20
straight up right now, when you chase after me, when you chase
0:25
me after I've disrespected you, after I've done something to
0:29
you, after I've cheated on you, lied to you, manipulated you,
0:32
whatever. I don't see love from you.
0:35
I see that as a permission slip to keep doing whatever I've been
0:39
doing. The more you chase, the more
0:41
permission you give me to continue my toxic narcissistic
0:44
behavior. The more you chase after a
0:46
narcissist, the more they feel like, well, it's OK, 'cause the
0:50
black and white thinking, right? It's truly black and white
0:53
thinking. Do if you like, think about like
0:54
this. If you chase a like if in the
0:57
mind of a narcissist, if everything is either all good or
1:02
all bad, then if you're chasing after me, right?
1:08
If you, if you're chasing after me, then it must be all good,
1:12
right? Think about it like that.
1:15
If you're chasing me, it must be all good because it can't be
1:20
bad, right? Because I wouldn't chase after
1:22
somebody that's bad. I wouldn't do that.
1:24
That's not how my mind works, right?
1:27
That's not how my mind. That's not how I operate in this
1:29
space and whatnot. So if you think about it like
1:31
this, that's the mentality. That's where it goes to right
1:34
there. That's how narcissistic people's
1:36
minds work right there. Y'all truly, that's truly how it
1:39
works. You know, the delusions are out
1:41
of this world. Yeah, the delusions are
1:44
completely out of this world. So like, so today that's what
1:47
we're talking about, y'all. Today we're talking about why
1:48
narcissists want you to chase them, and how your pursuit of
1:51
them is actually the final seal of approval on the toxicity, on
1:56
the manipulation, on the line, on the cheating, on the abuse.
1:59
And I know, yeah, I know. I understand that it sounds
2:03
counterintuitive. It sounds ignorant as hell.
2:05
Even when I say it out loud, right?
2:07
Even when I'm saying this out loud.
2:08
I know it's counterintuitive to normal human logic, right?
2:13
You. Normal human logic means that
2:14
hey, you. Hey, I'm chasing you, so I care
2:16
about you. Let's work this out.
2:19
Narcissistic logic says, Hey, you're chasing me.
2:22
We if we work it out, that means I'm right about everything.
2:25
You can't bring up the bad stuff.
2:27
You can't bring up the horrible behaviors.
2:29
You can't bring up the toxicity. You don't get to do that because
2:32
how? Because why would you do that if
2:34
you're going to still talk to me, right?
2:36
What's going on? You don't get to do that if
2:39
you're still going to talk to me.
2:41
And that's the mentality that goes into a right there.
2:44
You know, I had to take my ex to court.
2:46
She was heated because she tried to whip it out my child.
2:47
Yep. It happens right there.
2:48
It really does happen. So when you before you.
2:51
Yeah, before you contact that toxic narcissistic person,
2:54
before you reach out to that narcissist, make sure that you
2:57
like, it's like, because in my mind, if you contact me, if you
3:02
reach out to me, you're OK with what I have done.
3:07
It's like, y'all remember how you when we were kids, right?
3:09
We were kids. You had to go to your parents
3:11
and ask them to sign that permission slip.
3:13
Hey, Mom. Hey, Mommy, can you please sign
3:17
my permission slip so I can go to Washington, DC, please?
3:20
I can go to DC with the kids, with the class.
3:23
Can mommy, can you please sign my report card?
3:26
Please, please. And they were signing, right?
3:32
That's what you're doing to a narcissist when you, when you
3:35
chase after them, you're like, can you sign?
3:37
I'll sign your permission slip, right?
3:39
You don't want to keep doing that, y'all?
3:40
Cause the more look, the more you go back, the worse it gets.
3:44
You did make your first live. What's up?
3:46
The more you go back, the worse it gets.
3:49
And I think everybody understand that right there.
3:51
You've been so helpful. My healing journey.
3:52
Yay, there's always the goal right there is to help as many
3:56
people as possible on their journeys right and what not.
4:00
So we're going to have to keep we're going to keep going right
4:01
into it. Y'all we'll talk about the the
4:04
forgiveness delusion, the delusion of forgiveness, right?
4:07
Narcissistic logic says if I treat you like garbage and you
4:13
still want to be with me, it means that it what?
4:16
It means that whatever I did to you, whatever I put you through,
4:20
whatever I said to you, it wasn't that bad.
4:26
It can't be right in my head. You reaching out to me, you
4:31
breaking no contact, you chasing me.
4:34
It's your forgiveness. That's what it means to me.
4:36
You chasing me. You contacted me after you tell
4:40
me never to talk to you again. That's you forgiving me, is it
4:44
not? Like that's how the mind of a
4:46
narcissist works. That's you forgive me.
4:49
You just taught me, like you just taught me, that the price
4:53
of admission back into the relationship is zero.
4:57
I can come and go as I please. I can come in and go as I
5:00
please. That's that mindset of a
5:03
narcissist right there. I can come in, leave, dip out,
5:07
do what I need to do as much as I please.
5:10
Because why? Why?
5:10
Why can't I? Why can't I?
5:12
Well, you can't be able. You shouldn't be able to do
5:14
that. Yeah, I know you shouldn't be
5:15
able to do that. But in the mind of a narcissist
5:17
is Why can't I do that? Right?
5:20
Why can't I? You reached out to me.
5:25
You contacted me. Why can't?
5:26
Why can't I do that? You're welcome.
5:29
You're welcome. Fernley.
5:30
Fernleya. Well, I see your name.
5:32
I see Fernleya. I think of Fern Gully as I'm
5:35
aging myself. Y'all remember Fern Gully back
5:37
in the day? The rainforest, the forest, the
5:40
magical forest. Oh, Fern gully.
5:43
Morning, Morning. Morning.
5:45
Lord, I'm going through that now.
5:46
Yeah. You're going like, yeah, when
5:47
you're going through this stuff, this is what's going to happen.
5:50
Yeah. When you're, when you're dealing
5:51
with a toxic narcissistic person, this is part of what
5:54
happens right here. They're going to use you.
5:56
They're going to abuse you. They're going to put you through
5:59
the ring. They're going to put you through
6:00
damn. They're going to put you through
6:01
hell, right. They're going to put you through
6:03
hell just for being with them. Oh, you want to be with me?
6:07
This is the this is what you got to do.
6:10
Do you want to deal with me? You want to talk to me?
6:11
This is what you got to put up with.
6:12
This is what you got to put up with, right?
6:15
This is what you do, yo. This is the this is the mindset.
6:18
This is the mentality. This is how it goes right there.
6:21
You know, this is the space that you fall into when you're
6:24
dealing with a narcissistic person.
6:27
It is. And that's why I just tell
6:29
people I, I want y'all. I don't think I understand how
6:31
much I want y'all to win, right? Y'all know it.
6:33
Y'all, y'all know, I really, really, truly want y'all to win.
6:36
Like there's nothing more I want for y'all didn't help y'all win.
6:39
But this is what you got to understand right here that
6:41
narcissistic people are going to keep doing this type of stuff
6:44
over and over again. It doesn't get better.
6:48
Why would it? Why would it?
6:51
The forgiveness delusion, like I think it's all forgiven.
6:55
This is why. Like they they about like this
6:56
y'all. This is why I would love for her
6:58
to go like, yeah, there you go. This is why somebody says he's
7:03
63 years old. Does this ever end?
7:05
Now, typically they get worse as they get older, right?
7:08
The older they get, the worse they get because they're so
7:09
steeped in their delusions. You know, This is why, like I
7:13
said, when you go back and I, like I said, a lot of y'all can
7:15
attest to this, when you go back, it gets progressively
7:18
worse. It doesn't get better.
7:19
It might be better for a little while, but it gets progressively
7:21
worse. This is why when you go back,
7:24
right? This is why when you go back it,
7:27
you can't bring up what's happened.
7:29
You can't bring up what's happened.
7:29
For Melissa, what's on earth? You can't bring up what you've
7:32
been through, what they did to you.
7:34
Why you bringing this up? You know what I mean?
7:36
Why would you bring this up when you came back to me?
7:38
You can't talk about that anymore.
7:40
Stop bringing up the past. If you came back to me, you
7:44
even. Yeah.
7:44
And the crazy thing about it is, even if they lie to you about
7:47
wanting to talk about it, even they just say, yeah, we can talk
7:49
about that when you come back. Like, even if they say that,
7:52
that doesn't mean you're going to be able to talk about it.
7:55
I promise you it doesn't mean that you're going to be able to
7:58
talk about it. Yeah, they get y'all, they can
7:59
say that all day. But do they mean it is anything
8:03
going to happen in that space right there?
8:04
Anybody, anybody, anybody can say anything, right?
8:08
Anybody can can say anything but it that that's not going to
8:10
change right there. Tammy said What's going on,
8:12
girl? How many times have I heard it
8:13
stop bringing up the past? We can't move forward if we keep
8:16
talking about the past, I would say because the issue has not
8:18
been resolved. It had.
8:20
But yeah, I I know what you're saying, Tammy.
8:22
And that's right. And that's true, but in his
8:25
mind, in the mind of a narcissistic person, it has been
8:27
resolved because we're back together.
8:30
Is it always demonic? I don't necessarily think it's
8:32
demonic. It's not, it's just not my
8:33
perspective. I don't.
8:34
Everybody's had their belief. What?
8:36
I don't think it's demonic. I can see why people would think
8:38
it's demonic. I understand the mentality of
8:41
like, it's demonic the demons, right?
8:43
I can understand that. I definitely get, I definitely
8:46
get that right there. It get, I get why people think
8:49
it's demonic and it has to be something to do with the demons
8:51
and whatnot. I truly do get that.
8:54
Yeah. That's why I don't chastise
8:55
people. I crack jokes.
8:56
Y'all know y'all? Y'all know me.
8:57
I I just make jokes. The next thing is the lack of
9:03
accountability, y'all. Once you chase them, once you go
9:06
back to them, once you reach out, once you break no contact,
9:08
once they catch you looking at looking at that social media
9:11
chasing removes the need for me to apologize ever.
9:18
Ever You chasing after me removes the need for me to
9:23
apologize. Ever.
9:25
Why would I look? Why would I say I'm sorry for
9:28
something that you're clearly willing to overlook just to stay
9:31
in my life? And I know that might hurt some
9:34
people who are here, but that's how some narcissists think right
9:37
there. Why would I say I'm sorry for
9:40
something that I think you're OK with?
9:43
You know what I mean? That's that mentality right
9:46
there. Why would I apologize for
9:48
something that you were sticking around for, that you're sticking
9:50
that you're battling through with me?
9:53
You know what I'm saying? That you're battling through
9:55
with me. What's going on?
9:56
Barbados, What's up? What up?
9:57
I blocked on everything, even the PS-5.
9:59
It's slick. It's slick.
10:01
You don't want to hurt you. You don't want to hurt her.
10:03
Pop you playing Fortnite and it pops up.
10:05
Her username pops up like it might trigger you might, you
10:10
might miss a shot, right? You might have, you might have
10:12
her. You might be on a sniper rifle
10:14
gunning by the guns might have now like, oh wow, you get hit.
10:21
The shame monster they avoided all cause.
10:23
Absolutely true. Avoiding the shame monster that
10:28
pops up at all 'cause I believe that's absolutely truth right
10:31
there. You mean that's what happens.
10:33
I love Fortnite. Yeah, but this is what goes on
10:35
right here. It's a part of it, man.
10:37
They don't want to take accountability.
10:39
They don't want it. They they like seriously, if you
10:42
come back to me, you to me, that little you chase me.
10:47
That's literally saying you don't need to be accountable.
10:50
So before you reach out to that narcissistic person, ask
10:53
yourself, do I want them to be accountable?
10:55
Because if I reach out to them, then I don't necessarily care
10:59
about the accountability. If y'all joined on YouTube,
11:01
shout out to everybody. I watch them on YouTube and some
11:02
people on Facebook. I think that's my own Twitch
11:04
too, which is kind of crazy. But yeah, y'all on YouTube, make
11:06
sure y'all hit the thumbs up button or drop a comment as
11:08
well. We're gonna do, we're gonna do
11:09
AQ and A in a few minutes and whatnot.
11:12
We're gonna do AQ and A in a few minutes.
11:13
Before I had to go get my son and whatnot.
11:15
But after, like I said, the lack of accountability slides in.
11:20
Next comes the like the the ego. Y'all, you chasing a narcissist
11:25
gives them a high, an ego high, a high, a high of the ego.
11:28
It's like, no, it's like, yo, it's like getting a hit of your
11:31
favorite substance, right? Yeah.
11:34
It's like the validation of power.
11:36
The chase. You chasing me proves to me that
11:40
I am the prize in the relationship.
11:42
You chasing your narcissist, your your toxic partner, your
11:45
toxic ex. It proves to them, and I know it
11:48
sounds silly. It just proves to them that you,
11:52
that they feel like you. This is honestly how they feel.
11:55
They feel like they are deprived because you're chasing after
11:58
them. You're pursuing me.
12:00
I'm the prize here, right? Because I feel like I'm the
12:04
prize. Then that's what goes on.
12:06
That's what ends up happening. Yeah.
12:07
Think about that, man. I'm just telling you, there's so
12:09
many things you have to think about right here.
12:10
So many things you have to think about.
12:13
Like you've proven like that they're above you and you're
12:15
beneath them because you're chasing them, right?
12:18
That's why I like. Yeah.
12:18
And be realistic, some narcissists, a lot of
12:21
narcissists want you to chase them because they, they, they,
12:24
they do want you back, but they don't want to feel like they
12:27
have to grovel to you or beg you to come back to them, right?
12:31
They don't want to be the ones that beg and plead.
12:33
They want you to do that. Because if you do that, you see
12:39
what I'm saying? Then I don't have to beg and
12:40
plead. I don't have to grovel.
12:42
I don't have to do any of that. You're begging and pleading and
12:45
whatnot, right? Because absolutely yes, they can
12:49
absolutely be envious. Most narcissists are jealous and
12:51
envious, yes. But yeah, it's how it goes right
12:55
there. So before you chase them, ask,
12:57
ask yourself, are they the prize?
12:58
Some of y'all might just say yeah, they are the prize.
13:00
And I get that. I know what the mind is
13:02
sometimes, right? Another thing that happens with
13:04
the ego high is like they feel like you chasing a narcissist is
13:09
going to sound weird. You can make them feel safe,
13:14
right? You chasing a narcissist can
13:15
absolutely make them feel safe. As long as you are chasing after
13:19
me, I'm in control, right? As long as you're chasing that
13:22
narcissistic ex, they are in control.
13:24
I can stop, turn around, or keep running.
13:28
You know what I mean? And if I stop and turn around
13:30
and allow you to catch me for a little while, I can leave again.
13:33
As long as you chase me. I don't like, like you chasing
13:37
me kind of damn near satiates my fear of abandonment.
13:43
Think about it like that. If I, if a narcissist has a fear
13:45
of abandonment and you're always chasing them, then I don't think
13:49
you're ever going to abandon me. You see what I'm saying?
13:51
You see how that work? You see how crazy that works
13:52
right there? Like, I don't think you're ever
13:54
going to abandon me because this is how it works right here,
13:57
right? This is the mindset, this is the
13:59
mentality. This is how it goes.
14:01
Like baby steps, man. Like I said, you have to take
14:05
the baby steps in the right direction, of course, in order
14:07
to make things shake, in order to make it happen.
14:09
But that's a piece of it, man. It's a piece of it.
14:13
You have to stop chasing. I know a lot of y'all want to
14:16
chase like Lee. I want to chase so I I miss him
14:18
and that's understandable. That's under that's 100,000%
14:22
understandable that you're chase.
14:24
You want to chase them. You want to you want to hit
14:26
that. How do I say this?
14:28
But I was talking about illicit, illicit substances or drugs,
14:31
whatever, right? It's you want to, you want to
14:34
get a bump or or toke, you want to hit the bomb.
14:37
You want you would hit the narcissistic bong, right?
14:39
You would hit the bong. You want to get the beat the
14:44
bong. What's going on Jessica?
14:47
806 days. Damn, it's been that long.
14:51
Damn what? Damn, that's over to damn.
14:55
Good for you, man. Good for you.
14:56
That's crazy. Eight O 6.
15:00
That's not like the the the title of your your your new rap
15:02
album right there. Jessica eight O 6.
15:04
Got you have a fitted cap on chilling, which I saw.
15:07
I saw the picture poster earlier just with the snow goggles on
15:11
eight O 6. But you have to keep changing it
15:14
though, right, because no contact doesn't stop.
15:18
You're not going to break it. They have to keep it to keep it
15:20
going. Eight O 6 dot dot dot.
15:23
You know whatever he is right there.
15:24
So I know everybody wonder y'all, how do you kill the
15:28
chase? You know, how do you how do you
15:31
kill the chase? Yeah, you got to pause, take a
15:34
break, man. I feel like there's power in
15:36
pausing. There's power in stillness,
15:39
right? There's a lot of power in
15:41
stillness. The only way to make a
15:44
narcissist look back is to stop following them, is to stop
15:48
chasing them. As long as like just imagine
15:49
this, as long as they're hearing your footsteps behind them, they
15:52
don't got to look back. They hear you look, they hear
15:54
your feet behind, they hear you behind them.
15:57
They don't have to look back. Oh, she's still after me.
16:00
He's still running behind me. I know I don't have to stop.
16:03
And sooner or later they don't, they don't, they don't hear
16:05
those foot, those taps anymore. I'm like, you stop running.
16:12
Well, you stop running, folk. You see what I'm saying?
16:14
That's where it goes right there.
16:16
You gotta stop. You gotta stop chasing them.
16:18
That's like, that's when the narcissistic panic sets in
16:20
because you're no longer chasing them.
16:22
And then guess what happens? Guess what happens?
16:24
The reverse discord might backfire.
16:27
Guess what happens? Guess what the mind goes to?
16:29
You have someone else. That's literally what a mind of
16:33
a narcissist goes. You have someone else.
16:35
It can't just be you. Just stop chasing me.
16:38
You have someone else, so now I might turn around and reach out
16:40
to you. You must be sucking somebody
16:43
else off right now, don't you? That's why you're not chasing
16:45
me. That's why you're not chasing
16:47
me. Appreciate the donation to the
16:49
Channel gang. Green thumb. 1238 days, no
16:53
contact. She's hoovered 7 times.
16:56
Damn, that sound like a Samara from the ring. 7 seven days
17:00
seven times Oh my God, good for you good for you.
17:05
That's incredible right there. Like I said y'all, I I'm I'm
17:07
proud of y'all because stay in no contact with somebody who
17:10
hurts you and sometimes they you feel like they get away with
17:13
stuff. You know what I mean it just it,
17:14
it, it, it, it can suck sometimes y'all, so be proud of
17:17
yourself. Thank you for sharing that
17:18
seriously. Also thank you mommy mommy,
17:21
thank you for the donation to the channel too says what if
17:24
they tell you they hate you and they would rather go to another
17:27
man or anything else. He didn't want the kids either.
17:31
But now that I left, he misses the kids even though he
17:33
neglected us because now you see how that literally what just
17:36
happened. I just literally I was just
17:38
talking about what happened. You stopped chasing.
17:41
He didn't hear those footprints, those footsteps anymore.
17:43
You stopped calling him, wanting him to see the kids.
17:46
You stopped contacting him. You stopped reaching out to him
17:48
and now all of a sudden he's like, I want my family back.
17:56
I miss my boys, girl, dad. I want it all.
18:01
I want all you back. You see what I'm saying?
18:03
That's where the mind goes because you're no longer chasing
18:06
you, no longer reaching out. That's literally what happens
18:08
right there. There's not, there's not saying
18:10
that he did. Like I said, sometimes people
18:11
like that come back into your life just to neglect you again.
18:14
They want to make sure that you're still neglectable.
18:17
They'll come back into your life all along with my family back.
18:20
They'll take a family picture and they'll dip out again.
18:22
You'll, you'll and you'll feel it too.
18:24
You'll feel it. You won't trust it anyway, but
18:26
you'll feel it. You'll feel it.
18:28
You like this shit, don't this don't feel right.
18:31
And then you're you're it's kind of like you have this
18:33
confirmation bias. When they start acting up again,
18:36
you be like, I knew it, I knew it.
18:38
I know your ass wouldn't change. I know you still the same
18:40
bastard, right And that happens too right there.
18:42
You know, I mean, just stay empowered in that situation
18:44
right there. Well, good for you though, Like
18:46
seriously, because like it, it's it's tough in these situations,
18:48
but you want, especially when you have kids, you want to chase
18:51
after them to try to have them in your kids life at least.
18:55
And they're still running from you.
18:56
Sometimes you got to stop chasing, right?
18:58
Sometimes they'll come back and try to parent, sometimes they
19:00
won't. But I think just for me, both of
19:03
these are abusive, right? Neglect and absence are both
19:07
trauma, traumatic experience, can both be abusive to your
19:09
children, right? But I feel like I would rather
19:12
you not be around for me then it just be popping it in and out,
19:15
right? That's how I feel.
19:17
I know some people are going to have people are going to have
19:18
different, different different opinions on that right there.
19:21
And I understand it. Both neither can be right.
19:23
Neither would be wrong for me. I I get both parts of it right
19:26
because there's sometimes absence.
19:28
I mean, the in and out does work because now I see you just
19:30
neglectful bastard. I don't want anything to do with
19:32
you, right? So that can happen as well,
19:34
y'all, You know another way to another way to stop you from
19:38
chasing them, y'all, It just increased the self love,
19:41
increase the self compassion, increase the self respect.
19:45
You have to realize that chasing, chasing someone that is
19:49
running away from you, chasing, chasing after an abuser, chasing
19:52
after someone that hurt you, that's like a form of self
19:55
betrayal. You betraying yourself because
19:57
you know you shouldn't be doing it right.
19:58
That's why you're not running full speed.
20:00
You're jogging after them. You're not running full speed.
20:01
Something I might be running full speed, but you're not
20:03
running. You feel like you're not running
20:05
full speed. You're not giving your all
20:06
because you know you're not supposed to be doing it right.
20:10
It's like you were telling your brain that you aren't worth
20:12
being you. You are telling your own brain
20:14
that you're, you are not worth being pursued right, right.
20:17
There's power, I promise y'all. There's so much power in
20:20
stillness. There's so much power in
20:23
stillness and whatnot. And that doesn't serve anybody
20:25
right. So you have to say you have to
20:26
empower yourself in that situation right there.
20:29
Yeah, I mean, so I got a few minutes to answer some
20:32
questions. If y'all have some questions,
20:34
basically you can drop, you can drop them in the chat right now.
20:38
Again, y'all appreciate the donation to the channel.
20:40
There was something else I was going to say.
20:41
I was going to add to this one as well because I forgot about
20:44
the hate part. What if they tell you that they
20:45
hate you? Typically narcissistic people
20:48
hate how you make them feel about themselves.
20:50
It's not the fact that they hate.
20:50
Now, some of them do hate you, right?
20:51
Some of them do hate you because you expose them.
20:54
You, you, you broke, you cracked their ego, whatever.
20:57
But a lot of narcissists hate how you make them feel about
21:00
themselves, like you're a good person.
21:02
And I, that makes me feel inadequate, right?
21:04
I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds ass backwards,
21:06
but that way it ends up happening sometimes.
21:10
Remember what they put you through.
21:11
Yeah, you got to remember that. Absolutely remember, you know,
21:15
absolutely remember that. Get on the treadmill and run
21:21
full speed ahead in the opposite direction.
21:23
Yeah, back pedal, hit the track. You know what I'm saying?
21:27
Self love is a huge part of the way right there.
21:29
Self love is a huge part of the way.
21:31
It really, truly is. You know what I mean?
21:33
234 days, no contact. You almost had a year.
21:36
He still finds a way to get the word to me through others Flying
21:39
like his drive by or e-mail. He's driving by blowing a horn
21:41
and shit. Yeah, that's crazy.
21:43
That is crazy evolving with Ada. What's going on, girl?
21:47
Are you in my group? You wanna I I knew I see your
21:48
profile picture when you were talking last night.
21:50
I knew I seen your profile picture before Somewhere.
21:51
I've seen that picture before. Somewhere.
21:53
Yeah. Now I know you are OK.
21:55
I've seen it before somewhere. I was so clueless until he
21:58
cheated and I left. Arguments and crazy things
22:01
happening was not my reality. I just didn't know.
22:03
He apologized numerous times, then text.
22:05
But no contact has been my piece.
22:07
Yep. No contact.
22:08
The stillness. Find peace in the stillness.
22:11
Find peace in the stillness. Yeah, I, I saw that profile
22:13
pitch. I like, I know you from
22:14
somewhere, but then now you popped up in my live.
22:16
I like, Oh yeah, she's in my she's in my, my, my support
22:19
groups, my mental illness support group.
22:20
Y'all been look, my support groups, my courses, my
22:24
communities, y'all every single thing is available at
22:26
mentalillness.net or courses.mentalillness.net,
22:30
right? You can check out everything
22:31
there. It looks like this.
22:32
I just dropped the link in the comment section as well.
22:37
What if they tell you that they don't trust you at all and make
22:40
up their own narrative of what you have said, just said to be
22:42
mad? That's where the gaslighting
22:47
comes into play right there. They're trying to gaslight you
22:49
and then making it seem like you're the bad guy.
22:51
So that keeps you on edge. That keeps you trying to fix
22:54
something that you didn't break, that keeps you guessing, That
22:57
keeps you confused like that. Hold on.
23:01
Yeah, that that's what ends up doing.
23:04
It keeps you guessing. It keeps you confused.
23:05
It messes with your head. That's what narcissistic people
23:09
do. They want to keep you on edge
23:11
because that benefits them. You being on edge benefits the
23:14
narcissist doesn't mean anybody anybody else, right.
23:17
Oh, this doesn't have a don't know that doesn't have a timer.
23:21
It's going to stay on the screen.
23:22
Absolutely. Protect your pitch.
23:23
Yeah, that right, Lady Thomas. Stillness is key.
23:26
I end up taking a martial art, taking up martial arts to give
23:29
this one Yep. There you go right there.
23:30
Find something you like to do, find something you might not
23:32
like to do. What I do I'm going to show you
23:34
what I what I do for what I do for stillness.
23:38
I, I sit in here in my office, I turn my phone on do not disturb
23:42
or I turn it completely off and I set my timer right here.
23:46
I'll set my timer and I'll hit it and I'll sit here meditate
23:51
like this. I said it for like 10-15
23:55
minutes. You can go longer if you can,
23:58
but that's literally what I do. I take my timer, I set it and I
24:01
go, there's literally what this timer is for right here.
24:04
So I can be still, so I can chill, so I can clear my mind.
24:08
Yeah, absolutely. So I can clear my mind and get
24:09
that out of my system. He sees them Monday through
24:13
Friday, pick up, drop off from school to my house as time being
24:16
spent with them. Am I wrong for feeling like this
24:18
isn't and they're still don't? Yeah, there's a if he's just
24:21
picking them up from school and stuff like that and drop them
24:23
off. That's what he that's the bare
24:25
minimum in his mind. So he he can't because he don't
24:28
want to be considered a deadbeat dad right there.
24:33
You can't say I'm not involved. My kids, I pick them up from
24:35
school every day. I pick them up and drive them
24:37
all every day. What do you do, huh?
24:39
There's plenty of fathers out there who don't even do that.
24:41
There's plenty of fathers out there who don't even know the
24:43
kids birthdays. I know it all.
24:47
How dare you? You see what I'm saying?
24:49
That's the bare minimum right there.
24:50
That's not that's not quality time.
24:51
How much quality time? Unless you're driving 4 hours
24:53
back and forth, there's no quality time in that car, you
24:56
know what I mean? That's great.
24:58
Stillness. Yeah, that's why.
24:59
That's why I have to practice, y'all?
25:00
I literally have to clear my mind like that.
25:04
He gets mad at me for suggesting him going to the park with him
25:07
during the week or taking him out on weekends.
25:09
He doesn't ask for them. He lives with roommates and
25:11
won't take them. Yeah, you say he's.
25:13
That's just lazy. It's a lazy this lazy.
25:15
This bare minimum absentee parent stuff.
25:17
He just lied to me. Now I can see it not missing.
25:21
I did that this morning. Listen to the Iyanla.
25:25
I know her stuff. I I like her show Iyanla keep
25:28
pronouncing our hero. Thank you so much.
25:29
Appreciate it. No worries.
25:30
You're welcome About how my ex actions speak louder than words.
25:34
Yes, actions actually speak louder.
25:36
Absolutely speak louder than words.
25:39
I know Mr. Nice Guy got me drunk to take advantage of me.
25:41
Now I feel this. I said no, no, I know they I
25:45
know that's that sucks, but yeah.
25:47
But God, I hate that. I really do hate that y'all that
25:51
really is just sucks. Oh, I've seen that already.
25:57
Oh, welcome to the channel membership, Chelsea.
26:00
Welcome, welcome, welcome. My mom has every single sign of
26:03
being a grandiose narcissist. Might even be malignant, I'm not
26:06
sure. But I feel like a complete loser
26:08
because for the last 20 years, I haven't been able to separate
26:10
myself. Don't feel like, don't feel like
26:12
a loser, you know, 20 years if you're only 20 years old.
26:14
Take your time, man. That's a, that's a, it's very
26:16
difficult to come to the realization that your parent is
26:19
toxic and abusive, right? Because there's so many things
26:21
that run through your mind when that is happening that you sort
26:25
of question yourself and rightfully so.
26:27
There's a lot of questions that go through your mind and
26:29
whatnot. Don't be Hardy as the, the worst
26:31
thing you can do right now is to be Hardy yourself.
26:33
Don't be, look, do not beat yourself up.
26:35
You got you. That's what your Mama tries to
26:37
do, right? Don't beat yourself up.
26:38
Don't do that. Because that's, that's what
26:40
takes you out of the game right there.
26:41
That's what messes with your mind and does a lot of damage.
26:44
Just be kind to yourself. Kindness helps right there,
26:46
right? I was with my ex for six years.
26:50
We broke up four months ago. He's already married.
26:52
He's already married to his Co worker.
26:53
How do people just forget what they did say?
26:55
They don't They don't forget. They just that's how narcissists
26:57
move on. That's how they deal with stuff.
26:59
They just try to move on very quickly so they don't think
27:01
about it. I do sound bass to regular.
27:04
My notice never since There you go overworks.
27:08
All he does is take our son to school.
27:09
He's never home on the weekends. He's with his girlfriend.
27:11
He's like that's again another bare, bare minimum.
27:14
You can't stand a deadbeat. You can't say I didn't do never
27:17
my kid. I pick him up and take him home
27:18
from school. You, you do it, then you do it.
27:21
You say caregivers give their children what is normal.
27:24
Yup. Do they ever give up?
27:25
Sometimes sometimes they give up.
27:27
I I, I wish I could give you a definitive timeline, but I can't
27:30
right, because everybody's going to be different in these
27:31
situations. I'm 41 is and it's been 20 and
27:35
can't figure out how to overcome their emotional abuse and also
27:38
get away from her. So it takes it takes time.
27:39
Make a make a plan right here, right, Because I don't know the
27:41
the whole in and outs of the dynamic, but you got to make a
27:43
plan, right, because making a plan helps you out.
27:47
You're 41. You was I'm 40.
27:48
I'll be 41 in a couple months, right?
27:50
So it takes a while. Just make a plan again, come
27:52
into the realization what you're dealing with and sometimes not
27:55
feeling going, maybe going no contact, whatever you feel like
27:58
is necessary. That's a lot to that's a lot to
28:00
process and a lot to deal with right there.
28:03
You have to be kind to yourself. You have to take it easy on
28:06
yourself. Otherwise this just goes on and
28:08
on and on. I got a hair stick and I got to
28:10
clip that off right there. But anyways, y'all, I do have to
28:14
have off this thing. I'd pick my son up.
28:15
I'd go get in the the old waiting line for school.
28:18
Look, I got to go pick up and drop off my son so I can make
28:21
sure I'm not a deadbeat. Y'all can't call me a deadbeat.
28:23
I'm going. I'm going to pick my son up
28:24
right now from school, huh? Huh.
28:26
Who else can? Who's yesterday?
28:27
They do that. It's how crazy that sounds right
28:29
there two months of no contact good for you, good for you.
28:33
Keep blocking, keep blocking. Don't worry about don't worry
28:35
about the smear campaign cause smear campaigns typically, you
28:37
know what I'm saying They don't damage.
28:39
Anyways, y'all again my website is mental illness.net.
28:42
Make sure y'all check out everything Lee Hammock over
28:44
there. If you want to check out one of
28:46
my courses and stuff like that, Mental illness.net enter the
28:50
code mothers or fathers, mothers or fathers for 50% off of the
28:55
course. Y'all, if y'all want to take one
28:56
of my five star rated courses check it out at
28:59
mentorhilders.net. Y'all hit the subscribe button
29:02
if you haven't and we will chat later.
29:04
Y'all Peace School bus driver Lee.