Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / They Had Everything And Opened It Up | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep483

Transcript

They Had Everything And Opened It Up | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep483 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Opening up your marriage, getting your partner on board.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_02: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_02: Erectile dysfunction.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: Sexless marriage versus a lack of intimacy.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: Manipulation, boundaries, and covert contract.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: Why closure is a myth in modern relationships.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Opening up your marriage.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, and that is a fucking bad idea.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_02: We've talked about this before, but I just want to go a little bit deeper because I wanted to go.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: If you didn't listen to the last episode, it's gonna be better to listen to that one on all of them, all 400.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Start from the beginning.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: 470.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: I think this is 480.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh, close to 500.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we're always gonna hit the 500 mark, guys.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: We've been doing this for a minute, and you have got a lot of information to go through.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_02: So last episode that we'll feed into this one where we talked about not um talking about shit, actually living your life to get what you want, the example that you set, etc.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: And why go listen to that because what a wonderful segue into today's episode.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: I spoke with a man today.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um, life was beautiful, together since they were kids, and it was this wonderful, gorgeous life.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: And uh essentially, a year and a half ago, they made some choices to start opening up their marriage.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: And they have to other people, you guys, opening it up in an open marriage.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and the problem is um, it's something we didn't include in the last episode, that's why I thought it'd be a great segue, is that a lot of times you guys try to get on the same page with goals and you convince yourselves to do something when you know it's not fucking possible.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: Let me give you just a simple breakdown of this, okay?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: So if you can imagine coming out of high school, junior high, I think, and dating, okay, neither of them ever dated anyone else.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_02: Neither of them ever slept with anybody else.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: Neither of them, which is the dream.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: But whatever happened in their very happy, wonderful, perfect marriage, to such strong people, it sounds like.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: And then what happened was probably a lot tied to experiencing and not experiencing, rather, okay, where they open the marriage up.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: And you guys, when you talk like that with goals, a lot of times you convince yourselves to do things that you just know don't make any fucking sense.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: And some of you might not get this.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: I personally personally don't understand this, but like it is literally impossible to open up a relationship, a marriage, okay, or a long-term creative relationship, and not create negative circumstances.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's impossible.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: You know, one of the questions I asked, for example, was what rules did you guys have that were broken?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: Well, he got serious with one girl.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: That's a pretty fucking big rule to break.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: Well, she didn't.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: She multiple different people, whatever, and how they did it.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_02: Does it matter?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it does.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Because he needs connection to be intimate, and she just wanted to break it off and just experience or whatever.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: And at the end of the day, does that work?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: You you you can't literally open up your marriage to anyone.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: And this is we we're talking about sex, but we're gonna go deeper.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: You can't open up your marriage to anyone else.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: Your marriage is yours.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: There's an exception to that rule, and that is when you are sharing so people can win.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: That couple from Canada, they're already leading other couples.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: It was just beautiful.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: He's he's opening up on social media.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: Um, he was asking me questions about um, he gave us their, they gave me their success story, you know, and he he started opening up and talking about how he's being very vulnerable about his abuse because he was an angry 18 years of screaming.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, and now it's been a year and he's not angry, and they just they just love fucking life.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: She used to be afraid of the stuff.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: They need to start the Nova Scotia division of moral marriage.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: They do, yeah.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: And uh it's just beautiful just to see that.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: Well, listen, like that's opening your marriage up in a different way.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you have to be aware of what you say always, though.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: There's parts of our story that I will never share with you, and if Catherine feels like she wants to share them one day, she can because they're that's her part of the story.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, and so um where I'm where I want to take this is is obviously you can't get physical with anybody else.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: You're bringing in all kinds of things like insecurity, you're bringing in um, you know, uh to too much pressure, uh, you're bringing in competition, you're bringing in all kinds of negativity, jealousy, um, envy, like all for a fucking lustful night.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like his reasons, her reasons, it doesn't matter.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: If you guys are considering opening up your marriage, you have to be hyper aware of like why the fuck would you risk losing what you got?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: Like, why?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like So I call bullshit on that it was amazing for 25 years or whatever he said.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, it wasn't amazing because you don't go walk out on something amazing.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: You're not like, huh, I wonder what else is out there.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: My marriage is so amazing.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: I wonder what could be better.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: So I call bullshit on I I also always call bullshit when everybody says that, but it the part of the story is really irrelevant because right now we have a history that we can repair, we can get to the underlying things, but right now that's the only thing that they see, right?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: Is basically his I guess we can call it an affair because it was like an ongoing relationship, right?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but where I wanted to take this was much further, even using the example from the couple in Nova Scotia, um, and guys, you Matt Naomi, you're fucking awesome.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but like they're from Nova Scotia.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I just I'm so impressed.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: Like, it's just such a beautiful story.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: And they're a beautiful couple, too.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: They're good people.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: Um, all right, so you can open up your marriage even like that transparently to help others, and you still have to be aware of the of what you could do.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, people still judge you so much, hey babe?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: For staying with me.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: For staying with me.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I have that song, um, it's called A Woman's Power, and it encourages you to understand how much power you have as a woman to influence and change your husband too.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: And the one of the lines in the song says, You want what we have, a man who leads like me, but you skip the part that got us here, which is I mean, this Catherine was the one who got us here.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: Everything that I teach is because of everything that I became.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: And so now I'm hard on men because I'm like, just fucking do it.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: But the reality is, um, like, like the you you have this incredible power as a woman to lift your husband.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: Anyways, my point with this is simple.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: When we think about how um abusive I was, that that makes people judge Catherine.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_02: And when that song A Woman's Power comes out, and a woman, I can't remember if she's she was a psychologist or it was not just a traditional therapist, it was much higher.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, and she was like, I love your work, I've been following your work for so long, and I can't believe you're doing this, and like fucking basically writing me off.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, literally like Goodbye.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, goodbye.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: But like, but literally, like, you don't don't don't say you love my work then, because if you skip the part that got us here and you actually think you're helping people, nobody said stay in the abuse.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: Nobody did.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: We we did things differently, and that's something that this person can't really.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: The abuse didn't continue.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the abuse didn't continue.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: We stopped the abuse.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, like nobody is teaching you to stay in abuse.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: We're teaching you to break the abuse.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: You stop it.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: So don't stay in it.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: Anyways.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Ugh, you idiot.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: See, that's what that's what sometimes what I want to say.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Normally I don't say it though.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: Usually I would be the one.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: But um, my point is this in order to be where we are today and helping you guys with everything, I had to get really vulnerable and share.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: But not in a way that would hurt Catherine.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: The reason why this is so important is most of you probably aren't gonna get to a point that you're sharing and helping, even if you do what you want to do, create the new marriage.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: Unfortunately, most of you are gonna be too selfish.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: And we know that because it's thousands and thousands and thousands of people, and only some of you want to help others.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: And the number is small proportionally, unfortunately.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: Okay?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's not easy, guys.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to help others.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's true.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: Did I?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, no, I'm not doing this, and then well, lo and behold, here I am.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: But what some of you will do is go open up your marriage to just talk to people.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like one of the things that I did was was get validation from other people that she was the problem, right?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: And a very simple- What did you say this morning and made me laugh?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: You said something like, if I would have known what a narcissist was back then, seems like I would have thought you were a narcissist.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: I would have thought you were a narcissist, yeah.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's true.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: So uh my point is this, guys.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: You have to wrap your head around this.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_02: If you think about just a different example, say you have an insecure partner and you're working late at the office, okay?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_02: That that part of you that closes off, okay, and doesn't open up the marriage to your partner, let them know I'm working late, so-and-so's in the office, also, helping them through their insecurity, bridging it, is the same sort of concept.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Everything that you do when you think about what your marriage is should be a boundary around what you guys have as a couple.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: What I would never want my partner to think of, in other words, I wouldn't want to put my partner in that in those shoes.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_02: See, you guys spent a lot of time hearing the world say things like, just flip it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: Imagine if you were in there, she put yourself in their shoes.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: No, why can't I think about her in her own fucking shoes and not her?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: And this couple made a choice to hurt each other with the swinging.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: When you make a choice to help people, make sure you're not dragging your partner through.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: When you're making uh your your choice to get help from people, make sure you're taking responsibility and being aware of your choices.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: When you are living in your marriage, which is the final example, just when I when I use somebody being insecure, make a choice to open up always to your partner and keep the boundaries around you guys.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: Anything else, baby?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: All right, guys, if you're not yet already, go moralmarriage.com, get on our app.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: It's unbelievable how many trainings are in there.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: Uh oh, we're just putting some new ones in a prince, just created some really cool shit for people who struggle with responding versus reacting.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: But and I'm doing a Bible study.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, that's right.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: And guys, it's our app, Morrow.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: It's our last name.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: Two hours face each other.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: Get on there.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: Let's go get your life.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: See ya.