Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Plays Favorites
Transcript
- Lucas: You've been on a team for eighteen months. You hit your numbers. Your project feedback is solid. But somehow the boss keeps giving the plum assignments to the same person — the one who laughs at his jokes, plays golf with him on weekends, or just happens to share his alma mater. And you're left with the work no one else wants. Luna: Right — the classic favorites dynamic. And it's one of those things everyone feels but almost no one talks about openly. Lucas: Because calling it out sounds like whining, even when it's real. So today I want to talk about what you actually do when your boss plays favorites — and I don't mean just venting about it. I mean a strategy that doesn't require your boss to suddenly become a fair person. Luna: Let's start with the data. How common is this, really? Lucas: Gallup ran a survey in 2024 — I think it was actually published late last year — and they found that 38 percent of U.S. employees say their supervisor plays favorites. That's nearly two out of five people. And in the same survey, people who reported favoritism were three times more likely to be actively looking for a new job. Luna: So it's not just annoying — it's a retention risk. And the boss probably doesn't even see it. Lucas: That's the key insight. Most favoritism isn't malicious. It's lazy. The boss is busy, under pressure, and they default to the person they trust the most — which is usually the person they spend the most time with. And that person tends to be someone who reminds them of themselves. Luna: So it's not always a conscious 'I like Bob more than Susan.' It's just cognitive ease. Lucas: Exactly. So step one is to stop interpreting it as a personal rejection. That's hard, but necessary. Because once you depersonalize it, you can actually work the system. Luna: Alright, so what's the first move? Lucas: You document your contributions — but not in a passive way. I mean you build a running log of specific outcomes you delivered, with numbers. 'In Q1, I closed eight support tickets with a 4.8 satisfaction rating, while the team average was 4.2. I also led the migration of the client dashboard, which reduced load time by 15 percent.' Luna: And you share that log with your boss — or do you just keep it for yourself? Lucas: You share it — but in a structured way. Send a weekly or biweekly one-page update: 'Here's what I focused on, here's the impact.' No accusations, no comparisons. You're just making your case visible. The favorite might not need to do that because they have the boss's ear over coffee. But you need to create a paper trail. Luna: That's smart because it reframes the relationship. You're not complaining — you're demonstrating value. And it puts the ball in the boss's court. Lucas: Right. And step two — this is the one people skip — you build a coalition with peers. Not a grievance group. But you start asking colleagues for input on your projects. You invite them to review your work. You become known as the person who collaborates. Luna: Because if you're visibly contributing to others' success, it's harder for the boss to marginalize you. Lucas: Exactly. And it also gives you informal allies who can vouch for your work when you're not in the room. The favorite might have the boss's ear, but the boss also cares what their top performers think — especially if those top performers aren't the favorite. Luna: Let me push back a little. What if the boss's favoritism is really blatant? Like, they give the favorite a title bump or a bonus that's clearly undeserved. At that point, isn't documentation just a paper shield? Lucas: It's a fair question. If the favoritism is tied to compensation or promotion, you're moving into territory where a skip-level meeting might be appropriate. Luna: And that's a big step. Most people are terrified of going over their boss's head. Lucas: Rightfully so. It can backfire. But there's a way to do it that's not accusatory. You schedule a meeting with your boss's boss and frame it as a career development conversation. You say something like, 'I want to make sure I'm on a path to grow here. Can I share my recent accomplishments and get your perspective on where I should focus?' Luna: Interesting — you're not complaining about your boss. You're just signaling your ambition and your track record to someone higher up. Lucas: And that person may already be aware of the favoritism dynamic. They might be looking for a reason to intervene. You're giving them a legitimate, non-political reason to pay attention. Luna: What about the risk that your boss finds out and retaliates? That's real. Lucas: It is. But if the culture is such that a skip-level meeting is considered normal, then the risk is lower. If it's a culture where that's seen as an act of war, then you might be better off using the documentation and coalition strategy and also quietly updating your resume. Luna: So sometimes the best play is to just leave. Lucas: Yes — and I want to be honest about that. Not every boss is coachable. Not every dynamic is fixable. If you've tried documentation, coalition-building, and a subtle skip-level nudge, and nothing changes, you have to ask yourself: how much longer do I want to work for someone whose judgment I don't trust? Luna: That's a hard question, but it's the right one. And it ties back to something we've talked about on this show before — managing up isn't about fixing your boss. It's about protecting your career. Lucas: Exactly. And on that note — we should say, we're able to have these conversations without interruption because the show is ad-free. We deliberately don't run ads. If that's something you value and you'd like to support it, the link is buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Just a simple way to keep the show independent. Luna: Yeah, and we mean it — no Patreon tiers, no merch, no bonus episodes. Just a way for people who find this useful to chip in. We appreciate anyone who does. Lucas: Alright. Back to favoritism. One more tactic I want to mention — and this one takes guts — is to directly ask the favorite for help. Luna: Wait — the person who's getting all the good assignments? Why would you do that? Lucas: Because it flips the dynamic. If you approach the favorite with genuine curiosity — 'Hey, I noticed you handled that client presentation really well. Can you share how you prepared?' — you're doing a few things. First, you're building a bridge instead of a wall. Second, you're signaling that you're secure enough to learn from them. And third, the favorite might actually become an ally. Luna: I've seen that work. But it only works if you're sincere. If you're fake, people smell it. Lucas: 100 percent. So don't do it if you're seething. Do it after you've processed the emotion. The goal isn't to become the new favorite — it's to break the us versus them dynamic. Luna: And what about the boss? Is there ever a case for confronting the boss directly about favoritism? Lucas: I'd say rarely, and only if you have a very strong relationship. You could say, 'I've noticed that some team members seem to get more visibility. I'd love to understand how I can earn more of those opportunities.' Notice — you're not accusing. You're framing it as a desire to grow. Luna: That puts the onus on the boss to explain their thinking, or at least to realize they might be biased. Lucas: Right. And if the boss is defensive, you have your answer. If they're reflective, you might actually get somewhere. But honestly, for most people, the documentation and coalition approach is safer and more effective. Luna: So to recap: depersonalize, document, build coalitions, consider a skip-level meeting, and if all else fails, leave. Lucas: That's the framework. And I'd add one more thing — don't let the favoritism make you cynical. It's easy to start playing politics in a way that damages your reputation. Stay professional. Keep delivering. Your next boss might be a lot better. Luna: And your track record travels with you. That documentation you built? It's your portfolio for the next interview. Lucas: Exactly. So if you're in a situation where your boss plays favorites, you have options. You're not powerless. It's just a different kind of work. Luna: Alright. Thanks for the conversation, Lucas. And to everyone listening — we'll be back tomorrow with another episode.