Transcript

Act 5 · The Rehearsal

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Act five of the rehearsal by George Villiers. This is a LibriVox recording.
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All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer,
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please visit LibriVox dot org. Act five, Scene one Base and the
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two gentlemen. Now, gentlemen, I will be bold to say, I'll
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show you the greatest scene that ever England saw. I mean not for words,
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for those I do not value, but for state show and magnificence in
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fine I'll justify it to be as grand to the eye every whit he gad
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as a great scene in Harry the eighth and grander two egad for instead of
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two bishops, I have brought in two other cardinals. The curtain is drawn
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up, and the two usurping kings appear in state with the four cardinals,
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Prince Prettyman, Prince Volsius, and Ryalis Chlorus parthenop et cetera before them,
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heralds and sergeants at arms with maces. Mister bays pray, what is the
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reason that two of the cardinals are in hats and the other in caps?
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Why, sir, because not be gad. I won't tell you. I
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ask your pardon sir. Now, sir, to the business of day,
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dread sovereign Lord's my zeal to you must not invade my duties here, son,
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let me entreat that great Prince pretty Man first to speak, whose high
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pre eminence in all things that do bear the name of good may justly claim
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that privilege royal favor upon my knees. I beg that the illustrious focious first
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be heard. Here it begins to unfold. You may perceive now that he
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is his son. Yes, sir, and we are very much beholden to
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you for that discovery. That preference is only due to Amarillisir. I'll make
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her speak very well. By and by you shall see invincible sovereigns. Soft
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music, But stay, what sound is this invades our ears? Sure tis
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the music of the movie spheres. Behold with wonder yonder comes from far a
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godlike cloud and a triumphant car, in which our two right kings sit one
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by one with virgin vests, and Laurel garlands on them. Brother face,
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this time that we were gone, the two usurpers steal out of the throne
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and go away. Look you, now, did I not tell you that
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this would be as easy a turn as the other. Yes, faith,
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you did so, though I confess I could not believe you. But you
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have brought about. I see the two right kings of Brentford descend in the
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clouds, singing in white garments, and three fiddlers sitting before them in green.
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Now, because the two right kings descend from above, I make them
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sing to the tune and style of our modern spirits. Haste, brother King,
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we are sent from above. Let us move, Let us move,
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move to remove the fate of Brentford's long united state. Tarra to rah ter
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rah full eas stand by south. We sail with thunder in our mouth in
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scorching noonday. Whilst the traveler stays busy, busy, busy, busy,
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we bustle along, mounted upon warm phoebus rays through the heavenly throng. Haste
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to those who will feast us at night with the pig's pretty toes, and
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will fall all with our pate in an olio of hate. But now supper's
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done. The servitors, trying like soldiers to storm a whole half moon pie,
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they gather, They gather hot custard in spoons. Alas I must leave
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these half moons and repair to my trusty dragoons. Oh stay, for you
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need not as yet go astray the tide like a friend has brunt ships in
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our way and on their high ropes. We will play like maggots and philbirds
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will snug in our shell, we'll frisk in our shell. We'll firkin our
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shell and farewell. But the ladies have all inclination to dance, and the
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green frogs croak out a coronato of France. He is not that pretty now.
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The fiddlers are all in green Aye, but they play no corrento,
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no oh, but they play a tune that's a great deal better, no
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koranto quotha, that's a good one. With all my heart, come sing
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on now, mortals that here have we tilt and career with wonder, will
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feel the event of such things as shall never appear. Stay you to fulfill
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what the gods have decreed. Then call me to help you if there shall
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be need. So firmly resolved is a true Brentford king to save the distressed,
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and help to em bring that eer full pot of good ale you can
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swallow. He's here with a whoop and gone with a holler. Bays Philip's
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his finger and sings after him. He's here with a whoop and gone with
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a houla this, sir, you must know, I thought once to have
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brought in with aer ay, that would have been better. No, faith,
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not when you consider it, For thus tis more compendious, and does
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the thing every whit as well? Sing? What thing? Why bring him
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down again into the throne, sir? What thing would you have? Well?
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But methinks the sense of this song is not very plain? Plain?
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Why did you ever hear any people in clouds speak plain? They must be
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all for flight of fancy at its full range, without the least check or
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control upon it. When once you tie up spirits and people in clouds to
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speak plain, you spoil all. Bless me, what a monster is this?
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The two kings light out of the clouds and step into the throne.
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Come now, too serious, counsel will advance. I do agree, But
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first let's have a dance. Right, you did that very well, mister
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Cartwright. But first let's have a dance. Pray, remember that be sure
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you do it always just so, for it must be done as if it
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were the effect of thought and premeditation. But first let's have a dance.
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Pray, remember that well, I can hold no longer. I must gag
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this rogue. There's no enduring of him, no prithee, make use of
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thy patience a little longer. Let's see the end of him. Now,
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dance a grand dance. This now is an ancient dance of right, belonging
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to the kings of Renford and sence derived with a little alteration to the inns
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of court. An alarm enter two heralds. What saucy groom molest saw proof
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of the armies at the door, and in disguise desires the word with both
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your Majesty's having from Knightsbridge hither marched by stealth, bid them attend a while
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entering our health. How mister bays the army in disguise, Ay, sir,
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for fear the usurpers might discover them. That will out. But just
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now, why what if they had discovered them, why then they had broke
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this design? That's true? Indeed, did not think of that. Here
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take five guineas for those warlike men, and here's five more. That makes
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the sun just ten. We've not seen so much. The Lord knows where
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Eggsy and Harald's speak on brave amarillis invincible sovereigns blame not my modesty. If
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at this grand conjuncture drum beats behind the stage, how dreadful noise is this
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that comes and goes enter a soldier with his sword drawn. Haste tends,
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Great Sirs, your royal persons safe for the event of war. No mortal
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knows the army wrangling for the gold you gave first fell to words and then
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to handy blows. Exit, O dangerous state of southern power, obnoxious to
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the change of every hour. Let us for shelter in our cabinet. Stay.
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Perhaps these threatening storms may pass away excent. But mister Bayes, did
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you not promise us just now to make Amerillus speak very well? Aye?
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And so she would have, but that they hindered her, how sir,
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whether you would or no, I sir, the plot lay so that I
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vowed again it was not to be avoided. Ma. That was hard.
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But pray who hindered her? Why the battle? Sir? That's just coming
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in at the door. And I'll tell you now a strange thing. Though
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I don't pretend to do more than other men. He gad. I'll give
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you both a whole week to guess how I'll represent this battle. No,
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I'd rather be bound to fight your battle, sir. I assure you,
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why there, it's now fight a battle. There's the common error I knew
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presently where I should have you. Why pray, sir, do but tell
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me this one thing. Can you think it a decent thing in a battle
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before ladies? To have men run their swords through one another and all that,
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no, faith tis not civil? On the other side, to have
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a long relation of squadrons here and squadrons there, what is that but a
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dull prolixity excellently reasoned by my troth Therefore, sir, to avoid both those
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indecorums, I sum up my whole battle in the representation of two persons,
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only no more, and yet so lively that I felt, agad you would
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swear ten thousand men were at it, really engaged, do you mark me?
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Yes, sir? But I think I should hardly swear thy for all
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that by my trous sir, But you would though when you see it.
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For I make em both come out in armor capapie, with their swords drawn
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and hung with a scarlet ribbon at their wrists, which you know represents fighting
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enough, each of them holding a loot in his hand. Yes, sir,
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instead of a buckler, Oh lord, oh lord, instead of a
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buckler. Pray, sir? Do you ask me no more questions? I
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make em, sir, play the battle in recitativo. And here's the conceit.
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Just at the very same instant that one sings, the other, sir,
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recovers you his sword and puts himself in a warlike posture, so that
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you have at once your ear entertained with music and good language, and your
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eye satisfied with the garb and accouterments of war. Is not that well?
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I what would you have more? He were a devil that would not be
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satisfied with that, I confess, say you stupefying me. You shall see.
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But mister Bayes, why not we have a little fighting, For I
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love those plays where they cut and slash one another upon the stage for a
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whole hour together. Why then, to tell you true, I have contrived
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it both ways. But you shall have my residatavo. First enter at several
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doors, the general and lieutenant general armed capopee, with each of them elute
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in his hand and his sword drawn and hung with a scarlet ribbon at his
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wrist. Villain thou liest arm arm gonsalvo arm what ho the lye no flesh
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can brook I trow advance from Acton with the musketeers. Draw down the Chelsea
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queer sears. The band you boast of Chelsea queer sears shall in my Putney
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pikes now meet their peers. Cheswickians, aged and renowned in fight. Join
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with the Hammersmith brigade. You'll find my more Lake boys will do them right
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unless by fulham numbers o'er laid. Let the left wing of twicknam foot advance
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and line that eastern hedge. The horse I raised in Petty France shall try
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their chance and scour the meadows overgrown with sedge. Stand. Give the word
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bright sword, that may be thine, but tis not mine. Give fire,
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Give fire at once, Give fire, and let those recreant troops perceive
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mine, ire, pursue, pursue they fly that first did give the lie
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excant. This now is not improper, I think, because the spectators know
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all these towns and may easily conceive them to be within the dominions of the
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two Kings of Brentford, most exceedingly well designed. How do you think I
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have contrived to give a stop to this battle? How by an eclipse?
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Hm hm, which, let me tell you, is a kind of fancy
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that was yet never so much as thought of, but by myself and one
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person more that shall be nameless. Come come in, mister h enter,
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Lieutenant general. What midnight darkness does invade the day and snatch the victor from
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his conquered prey? Is the sun weary of his bloody fight, and winks
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upon us with his eye of light? Tis an eclipse? This was unkind
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o Moon to clap between me and the sun, so soon, foolish eclipse,
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Thou this in vain hast done? My brighter honor has eclipsed the sun.
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But now behold eclipses two in one exit. This is an admirable representation
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of a battle, as ever I saw, Ay, sir, But how
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would you fancy now to represent an eclipse? Why that's to be supposed?
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Supposed? Ay you are ever at your suppose ha ha ha ha ha ha.
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Why you may as well suppose the whole play. No, it must
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come in upon the stage, that's certain, But in some odd way that
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may delight, amuse, and all that I have a conceit for it that
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I am sure is new, and I believe to the purpose. How's that?
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Why? The truth is? I took the first hint of this out
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of a dialog between Phoebus and Aurora in The Slighted Maid, which, by
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my troth was very pretty. Though I think you'll confess this is a little
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better, no doubt on it, mister Bays. But sir, you have
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heard I suppose that your eclipse of the moon is nothing else but an interposition
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of the Earth between the Sun and Moon. As likewise, your eclipse of
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the Sun is caused by an interlocation of the Moon betwixt the Earth and Sun.
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Nor have heard so? Indeed, Well, sir, what do me
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I but make the Earth, Sun and Moon come out upon the stage and
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dance the hay hum. Why of necessity, by the very nature of this
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dance, the Earth must be sometimes between the Sun and the Moon, and
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the Moon between the Earth and the Sun. And there you have both your
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eclipses. That is new ee, Yet huh, that must needs be very
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fine. Truly, yes, there is some fancy in it. And then,
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sir, that there may be something in it of it, Joe,
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I make the moon sell the earth a bargain, ha come out eclips to
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the tune of Tom Tyler. Enter Luna, orbeus oh, orbeus come to
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me, thou little rogue, orbeus enter the earth. What calls terra firma
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pray Luna that ne'er shines by day? What means Luna in a veil?
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Luna means to shew her tail? Enter soul, fie, sister, fie.
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Thou makest me muse derry dry down to see the orb abuse. I
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hope his anger twill not move, since I did it out of love.
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Hey down, dery down? Where shall I thy true love know? Thou
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pretty pretty moon? Tomorrow's soon? Ere it be noon on Mount Vesuvio.
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Then I will shine and I will be fine, and we will drink nothing
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but la peri wine, and we will drink nothing but wine. So now
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vanish eclipse and enter to other battle and fight here now, if I am
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not mistaken, you will see fighting enough. A battle is fought between foot
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and great hobby horses. At last draw cancer comes in and kills them all
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on both sides. All this while the battle is fighting, bays is telling
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them when to shout and shouts with him. Others may boast a single man
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to kill, But I the blood of thousands daily spill let petty kings,
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the names of parties know where e'er I come. I slay both friend and
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foe. The swiftest horseman, My swift rage controls, and from their bodies
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drives their tremblings. If they had wings, and to the gods could fly,
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I would pursue and beat him through the sky, and make proud Joe
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with all his thunder see the single arm more dreadful is than he exit.
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There's a brave fellow for you now, sirs, I have read of your
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hector. You are Achilles and a hundred more. But I defy all your
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histories and your romances too. He gad to show me one such conqueror as
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this draw answer, I swear I think you may, mister Bays. How
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shall all these dead men go off? For I see none alive to help
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him go off? Why as they came on upon their legs, how should
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they go off? Why do you think the people do not know they are
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not dead? He is mighty ignorant, poor man. Your friend here is
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very silly, mister Johnson, get he is come, sir, I'll show
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you. Go off. Rise, sirs, and go about your business.
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There's go off for you, arc you, mister ivory. Gentlemen, I'll
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be with you presently. Exit, will you? So then we'll be gone.
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Nay, prithee, Let's go that we may preserve our hearing. One
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battle more would take mine quite away? Exit, Enter, bays and players.
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Where are the gentlemen? They are gone, sir, gone to death.
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This last act is best of all. I'll go fetch him again.
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Exit. Stay. Here's a foul piece of paper of his. Let's see
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what it is. Reads the argument of the fifth act. Chlorus, at
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length, being sensible of Prince Prettyman's passion, consents to marry him. But
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just as they are going to church, Prince pry Man, meeting by chance
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with Old Joan, the chandler's widow, and remembering it was she that brought
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him acquainted with Cloris, out of a high point of honor, break off
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his match with Cloris and marries Old Joan, upon which Chloris, in despair,
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drowns herself, and Prince pretty Man discontentedly walks by the riverside pox hunt.
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This will never do, just just like the rest. Come, let's
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be gone, excellent enter bays a plague one on ball for me. They
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have made me sweat to run after him, A couple of senseless rascals that
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had rather go to dinner than see this play out. Oh with a pox
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to one? What comfort has a man to write for such dull rogues?
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Come, mister Ah, where are you, sir? Come away quick quick?
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Enter players again, sir? They are gone to dinner. Yes,
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yes, I know the gentlemen are gone, But I ask for the players.
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Why It's please your worship sir. The players are gone to dinner too.
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How are the players gone to dinner? Tis impossible the player's gone to
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dinner? He get. If they are, I'll make him know what it
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is to injure a person that does in the honor to write for him and
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all that, a company of proud, conceited, humorous, cross grained persons,
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and all that gad, I'll make them the most contemptible, despicable,
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inconsiderable persons and all that in the whole world for this trick, he get.
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I'll be revenged on him. I'll sell this play to the other house.
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Nay, good, cirt, don't take away the book. You'll disappoint
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the town that comes to see it acted here this afternoon. That's all one.
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I must reserve this comfort to myself. My book and I will go
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together. We will not part. Indeed, Sir, the town, Why
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what care I for the town? He gad. The town has used me
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as scurvily as the players have done. But I'll be revenged on them too.
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I will both lampoon and print them too. Eat gad. Since they
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will not admit of my plays, they shall know what asidarrist I am,
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and so farewell to the stage forever, he gad. Exit. What shall
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we do? Now? Come? Then, let's up builds for another play.
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We shall lose nothing by this, I warrant you. I'm of your
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opinion. But before we go, let's see Hans and Shirley practice the last
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dance that may serve for another play. Oh, call em, I think
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they're in the tiring room. The dance done. Come, come, let's
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go away to dinner. Exit all epilog. The play is at an end,
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But where's the plot. That circumstance our poet beys forgot? And we
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can boast though tis a plodding age. No place is freer from it than
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the stage. The ancients plotted, though, and strove to please with sense
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that might be understood with ease. They every scene with so much wit did
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store that who brought any inn went out with more. But this new way
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of wit does so surprise men lose their wits in wondering where it lies.
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If it be true that monstrous birth's presage the following mischiefs that afflicts the age,
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and sad disasters to the state, proclaim plays without head or tail may
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do the same. Wherefore, for ours and for the kingdom's peace, may
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this prodigious way of writing cease. Let's have at least once in our lives
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a time when we may hear some reason not all rhyme. We have these
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ten years felt its influence. Pray, let this prove a year of prose
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and sense. End of Act five, end of the rehearsal by George Villiers,