Latest / Beyond the Pouch / E12: Poppy’s Inspiring New Outlook on Life After a Stoma

Transcript

E12: Poppy’s Inspiring New Outlook on Life After a Stoma · Beyond the Pouch

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: And how did you feel with that diagnosis?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because I looked at my mum and I was like, I hope I don't wake up.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just can't do it.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that is one thing I will always regret saying.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can't be in any pain anymore, and obviously I don't want to die.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: In 2021, I just had the worst flare-up ever, and I just I knew this is not good.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to Beyond the Pouch.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: We're your hosts, Rachel and Louise.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: And we are so excited to kick off season two by sharing more inspiring stories from ostomats who navigate life with a stoma.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: We're thrilled to welcome our first guest of season two, Poppy.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Whoop whoop whoop, who will be sharing her journey with a stoma and how it has given her a fresh perspective of life.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome, Poppy.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for having me.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited to be with you.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: She's glowing, it's sickening.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: I know.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: But there's a very special reason why.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: There is.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: Would you like to share it?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: I've just got engaged.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus, look at that stone! That's knocking me out.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, I've actually it's actually been a month today.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So um yeah.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you still floating?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I am.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I still can't believe it.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I keep looking like looking at my finger to check it's there.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, very happy.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Very congratulations.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: How long have you been together?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh nearly 10 years.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh we've a long time coming.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, gold.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: Well, worth the weight I've been.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, 100%.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: So obviously, I know you have ulcerative colitis, so when was you diagnosed?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was diagnosed in October 2016.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I was going back and forth to the GP with blood and mucus, and I didn't really know what was going on.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I I couldn't really get anything back off them, and I was just getting more and more worried.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd just started um my musical theatre degree, and it wasn't really I wasn't in the position where I could take loads of time off.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And i I just wasn't getting any answers.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I was my family were in a fortunate position where we could pay to go private, and then I had a col uh colonoscopy, and I f got diagnosed straight away with ulcerative colitis.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: And how did you feel with that diagnosis?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was if when I look back, I was so naive.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I I I used to like almost it sounds really bad, but I used to like joke with my friends.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: We used to say like, coli me, coli you, coli dis, and like I didn't really know what it was.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't, I don't think I realized that it was a disease that I couldn't get rid of and it had no cure.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: But then I don't know if that was because I I was young and I didn't really take the time to look at it because I had such a busy life going on, or whether when I got diagnosed, I wasn't given all that information.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like, yeah, I was really naive and I don't think I had any idea that it would change my life how it has.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: But if you didn't know of it before then, you know, you're not you're not gonna know.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: I had no idea.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you've got to give yourself some credit because it's you know it's and I feel like I was given tablets and that and I just thought I'll just take these tablets for the rest of my life, it'll be fine.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I knew that there was no cure, and those tablets were just kind of helping me go as far as I could go.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: Were you not told that when you were diagnosed then?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember being told that.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I don't and I don't everyone is, are they?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: This is why you should always have somebody with you, and this is part of the reason why I'm always so thinking about you need to advocate for yourself.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just the reason being is uh a lot of us when we are first diagnosed are naive.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: We do as the doctors tell us because we're taught to trust the professionals.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean people are lucky now with the amount of social media that the presence there is the stuff that you can look up, but when you're first diagnosed, I think you feel so isolated because you you got this diagnosis and you're like, Oh, I'm the only person that I know if it especially if it's the first time you've ever heard of it.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, how uh how did you manage?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because I mean, how long did you have the ulcerative colitis for before you had surgery?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I had it for five years before I had surgery, and like I used to look back and think, God, having a stoma is way worse than having the like my life before.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's almost laughable because the stuff that I used to deal with that I used to think was normal is just like beyond.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like one thing really stands out to me, and because I was doing a musical theatre degree, part of my degree I had to do a ballet exam, and I literally pooed myself before the exam because I was going through like a mini flair, and I did the whole exam with having pooed myself, like I had no other option, I just had to do it.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: But when I look back and think, like I used to think, oh that's normal, that's what happens when you've got ulcerative colitis, but like I should there should be no that's not good.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then I so I had tablets, went on to injecting myself, and then uh went on to infusions, and they all kind of worked for a certain amount of time, and I was told at one point all your remission, which was over the moon with.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then I had flare-ups in between, I'd get a course of steroids, and I I think I was quite lucky on steroids, I didn't really have the the major side effects that everyone gets.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then I just in 2021 I just had the worst flare-up ever, and I just I knew this is not good.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, did you find yourself researching or is he because did they ever mention to you within that five years before you had the stoma surgery that the stoma might be an end result?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I I think I feel like it was brought up.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like there was one point, like maybe a year before my surgery, I was so fed up of it that um we went to see another consultant and that they were mentioning surgery, but not taking out my whole whole colon and taking certain bits so I didn't have to need it.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I just was like, no, I don't want I don't want that.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I I never used to, I couldn't even look at stoma bags.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um let alone I didn't know what a an stoma was until the night before.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um I didn't know what it looked like, I didn't know what it was.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Was that because you chose not to look?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because I was terrified.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember going through a flare-up and I came down in the morning and I said to my mum, I had a nightmare that I had a stoma bag, and she was like, Don't think like that, don't think like that.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: We've got to be really positive.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: But to me, that was the worst possible case scenario.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Is there any reason as to why it was the worst case scenario?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Don't in your head.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: So then you didn't maybe fear in the unknown, you didn't know about it.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't knew anyone who had one.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I just thought old people had them.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I I knew of maybe two old people that had them, and I was like, that's gonna ruin my life.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: I can't have that.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, better.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, I now I know if I could go back and be like speak to my my younger self because I would have saved myself loads of worrying.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but the this this is the thing, everybody's opinion with regards to whether you have a stoma or not, or if you're facing a stoma surgery, everybody's opinion is valid because there are some people that have had a stoma, it's permanent, and they can't quite compute that that's going to be for the rest of their lives.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it can cause depression, it can cause upset and bad body image and take away any confidence that you may have.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: And this is part of the reason why we do the podcast because it's not always bad, it's not always the worst case scenario.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And if you've been dealing with in and out of hospital for five years, once you've had the stoma surgery and you're recovered, you're like, oh, everyone's like, why didn't I have it done?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: So you have to come to that yourself so that you know, like you know, everyone's gonna have the acceptance of it and learning about it in their own time, isn't it?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: Some person might take weeks, some person might take years.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: But um And I think that's why I didn't think that having I keep saying just having ulcerative colitis, because I feel like now I say that I have a stoma and ulcerative colitis, but pre-surgery, I used to look at that as not being so bad because the only time I got admitted to hospital was when I had to have surgery.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I used to think, do you know what?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't even that bad.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: But then I used to think like the amount of pain, the amount of toilet trips, the amount of blood, I'm like, oh my goodness, like you just accepted it as your normal.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: That was my normal.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And like all my friends would accept that as my normal as well.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I get because because I guess they weren't educated on oscerative colitis almost the same as me.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I I knew obviously a bit more than them, but I think I was really naive.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so your health kind of went to pot in December of 2021, and over the festive period, hospital admissions are you don't want to go in over Christmas, do you?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Let's face it, because obviously I know with my body it's always December.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: My I think that's because we all tend to have that two-week holiday period from like the 20th of December through to New Year.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: I think because you're relaxed and because you may not be at work, your body just goes, Nope.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: No, had enough.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, let's relax and feel all the pain and hello.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: So you were admitted in December of 2021.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: And how long was you in hospital for?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was in hospital for about four weeks, um, but I didn't have my surgery until about two and a half weeks in, and I can honestly say it was a live in hell being in hospital.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was on a a trolley in a corridor for about a week, just linked up to steroids.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I think like all the nurses and doctors would just try obviously trying their best, but I just wish they weren't having their conversations in front of me because it was like a panic.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was like in hospital and I thought I was gonna get better, and they were I I wasn't getting any better, and they were almost like, we don't know what to do.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: I've always I've always had a brutal but honest relationship with my surgeon because I need to know.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I get that not everybody wants to know.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, if you're thrown into you know hospital and you weren't planning it and you were very poorly.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, I thought I was going in for a camera, and I was I was really nervous because I thought I just feel like they're gonna say something that's there that hasn't been there before because I hadn't had a flare-up that bad.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I I have to be like basically like completely knocked out for them because I find them so um traumatizing.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like coming back around and I had my camera in Landock, and I honestly remember one of the nurses saying, We can't have her here.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: She needs to be in the Heath with the surgeons.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had like two and a half weeks like replaying that that one line in my head.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I was gonna have surgery before, and I think they were trying everything they could, which is what I wanted them to do, but I just knew it.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to go to the toilet in the hospital with my toiletry bag and like hold it up to my tummy and be like, that's what it's gonna look like.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just so poorly, I was like, I just want to feel better, I just need that now.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_02: Were you coming into more of a accepting of the bag?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_02: Like, oh actually, I I need this.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think I just wanted to get out of hospital because I got put on a dementia ward, that was the only bed that was free.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I was the youngest by about 60 years, and it was just a bit low.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, it was it was just horrendous, and I just thought I just need to get out of here, and then an ambulance turned up to take me then over to the Heath because my consultant was in the Heath, not in Landock, so every time I like we needed to change the medication or something, we were waiting for a phone call.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: So everything would just take so long.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was just it was like I felt like the minutes would they take take ages, but then it was like, oh my god, another day's gone and I'm still in pain.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I think because it was Christmas, skeleton staff, and there was a new face every day.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's and having to explain it all all over again, it was just like, oh, I need a break.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: It's the new faces I find that I don't say bedside manner sounds bad, but like I think if you've got consultants that uh you've got a relationship with and a rapport with, they're not as brutal or as whatever, or they might be in your case if you want that approach.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: But when it's the the ones that are, you know, what are they called when oh agency staff or whatever, they're just in out, brutal, whatever, and sometimes you're not mentally in the place to receive that.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And because it was like the back end of COVID, I couldn't have any visitors, I was allowed one hour every week, and I'd been in there two and a half weeks at this point, one hour a week.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: My mum, but my mum was hilarious because she you could come in if you were dropping something off, and she used to come in and be like, I've got a little lip balm.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: She needs a little lip balm.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I need the lip balm.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, at one point I did I just didn't know what to do.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: But in Landok, that was where I got my infusions, and the nurses who did my infusions were honestly amazing.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I just thought, I'm just gonna phone their line.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just crying on the phone, and I remember being like, Natalia, will you come up?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Will you come up and see me?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Where are you?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't even know what ward I'm on, just come up and see me.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And she did, and she came and sat with me, and she was with me when I got told, We think you're gonna have to go over surgery.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you'll never forget that human, will you?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you underwent emergency surgery, so why was it an emergency?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Had you gone septic?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Was there anything?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: I got pulled into a little room with my consultant.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: My mum and dad were in there, and it was like, Oh my god, you've been allowed into the hospital, like I haven't seen you in so long.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: And they basically just said, We haven't got any more time to try anything else.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was like, I always remember like my dad's face, because I feel like you look at your dad as like someone who's so like strong and he's like a real macho man, and he was just he was just broken, and I just thought and I just kind of looked at him and I was like, I think this is f I can't be in any pain anymore, and obviously I I don't want to die, so I we're gonna have to do it.
• 14:25
  unknown: Yeah.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, so you had the surgery, and how long after the surgery was you discharged from hospital?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I had the surgery and I felt better immediately.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I just felt amazing, but I was so weak because I was so ill for so long I dropped to about five stone.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: Oh gosh.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um I couldn't walk on my own.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I had like a little trolley and all the nurses helping me.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got really um sick as it I couldn't st I couldn't keep anything down.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know you you they give you like soup and stuff because you're not allowed solids.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Are you?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: Was this after the surgery?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: After the surgery.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you had post-opilius.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it was called.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um post-opilius.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: So it obviously because when they're done the stoma surgery, it freezes the bowel.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: So and sometimes it takes a while for the small bowel to wake up.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm guessing you were projectile when it was green.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: And then the is it an NG tue post post-opilius.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, how long?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: How many days?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: I reckon I did about four days.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: And um then when they did the NG tube, I remember it was like 2 a.m.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: And they were like, We're gonna have to put it down because you're so unwell.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Call my mum, call my mum, and they were like, No, it's 2 a.m.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, she won't mind, she won't mind, please, please.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And they were like, No, and honestly, like looking back now, they did the best thing for me because I was so unwell, but they were like pinning me down, and it honestly was it was just so traumatic.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, my my rule with an NG tube is if I need it, you put it in me when I'm out.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, do not hold me down because that is the And you have to you have to like sip water.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's the worst, it's the worst experience ever because what happens is if you don't swallow it the right way, it goes down the wrong way, then they have to pull it out and then put it back in again.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and it's it's absolutely horrid because especially when you're that ill, you haven't really been eating, you haven't been drinking, and even having a sip of water in your instance, then it was horrid because you hadn't been eating or drinking because you've been on so many like fluid hydration for IV, uh like IV fluids, so yeah, no, NG tube is the uh most traumatising part of the floor.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hideous.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: But then I s it did help.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was stopped being sick.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then I'd say I was in hospital about a week after my surgery, and then I got discharged and went home, but I was only home, I'd say, uh, for just over 24 hours.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um you were admitted because you had a blockage and you also had a blood clot.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what caused the blockage?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: So we I don't actually know if it was a blockage or whether they didn't make my stoma big enough.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um so because I I was so careful because I remember going back in and my surgeon was like, Too much turkey, because it was literally Christmas Day that I was home for, and I was like, I didn't have any of it.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: I literally had mashed carrot and a bit of gravy because I was just I was so scared um to have anything.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I think my surgeon, my first surgeon, he was amazing, but I think I was so scared of having a stoma, I was like, please make it small, please make it small, I don't want it big, I don't want it big.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I think he did try to make it as small as he possibly could for me, and I just think it wasn't big enough, so I think nothing could get through.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: So then I had to have it refashioned.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, I had to have the same.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: So how long between having your original one and being refashioned, was it?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Probably about five days.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I had not recovered, I was just like still dropping weight.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: You must have felt bad.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I felt horrendous, and it was just um and going wheeling down.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think you yet I I will never forget the feeling of being put in another hospital bed and wheeling down.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: But one thing I really regret is I looked at my mum and I was like, I hope I don't wake up because can't do it.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that is one thing I will always regret saying.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Don't you could can't think like that.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I can't do it, I can't, I can't do this.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I really hope I don't wake up.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that is one thing I really regret saying.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I could take that back.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I was just your mental health, you you were at your lowest.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, at the end of the day, yes, you can regret saying that, yes, you can apologize, but at that moment in time you'd had enough.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you felt.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I I was like, they they recognized me when I went back down because I had um I'd had my Christmas Christmas nails done.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, and um, of course, and but they were like the biab that you have to take off with like all the professional stuff, so I couldn't take it off.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And they said during my first surgery they they lost like my oxygen level and everyone panicked, but it was because of my nails.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And when I went back down, the anaesthetist was like, Oh, not again.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and here she is, causing it on my toe.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_02: To be fair, like if you've got like banging nails, why can't they just put it on your toe?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, pop it on my toe.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh god.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I w I was a quite a nightmare going down because I remember my anaesthetist had dangly earrings, and I was like, Can you take them off?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because if they fall into my throat, I might die.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um she was just like looking at me like loud earrings on.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: She definitely have dangly earrings, 100%.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: God, that um but she took them off.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, yeah.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_02: Because yeah, I don't blame you for thinking that.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_02: Can you imagine?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the worst things are just going through my brain.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_02: I think well you you're not thinking with clarity in that moment, are you?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_02: You're on you're on like fight or flight.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think when you're scared and because I've always been walked down to my surgery, I've always walked down to my the room before at just outside the theatre with my surgeon and got into bed.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been wielded.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_02: See married couple, nice romantic stroll to the theatre.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: Walked down with him.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I think because you're scared but you're trying to be strong, and you sit on the table, I think with me it's just literally when they say, Right, we're gonna knock you out.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: Ten, nine.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: Bye-bye.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_02: Do you so did you count with them or did you just were you just so like No, again, I was I was so I was like screaming.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Someone from the next room came in and was like, Is everything okay?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like panicked, and I was like, I've been through all this before, like the epidural, and then so I've had two epidurals now, and I just like I can just remember like being like hunched over like this.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I hate them, I hate them.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then they put the mask on your face, and I remember going, Can't breathe, I can't breathe! And like someone else come in, like, is everything okay in here?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm out, gone.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I hate epidurals.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_02: Honestly, I hate it with a baby.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_02: I they can you can just feel them trying to find a vein.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I hate them.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: I can't I can't I can just only just remember that feeling of being hunched over and then they go, Do you want do you want to hold your hand?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_02: So I had like Luke's hand with one, and then I grabbed a nurse's hand to the other, and she was looking at him like, Are you feeling this?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_02: And they're like, I hate it.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: The last anathematist that was meant to do my back block and my front block when I had protectomy surgery didn't do it right.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I woke up screaming.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_02: But that's the fear as well, is you've got to put your trust in these humans that you don't know.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, like, are they gonna do it right?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_02: Is it gonna be enough anaesthetic?
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_02: Like when they, you know, they run the ice to check your nerve, and I'm on about a C section now, so that's a bit different.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: But you know, and I'm and I was moving my feet a bit, and they were like, You shouldn't be moving your feet, and I was like, Well, I well, I am.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: And they're like, Oh, but you shouldn't be.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, Well, you need to stop that before you start cutting a hole out of me.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I just this I'm like a hugger as well.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember being like, Can I have a hug?
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: and I'm Obviously, like all really like what's it when there's like sterile.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, sterile, and they're like, no, we can't hug you.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I need a hug.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, how did you feel when you finally got home from having the refashioned stoma?
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_02: Uh just honestly rock bottom, just were you with your your fiance then?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_02: So when backtrack a bit then.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_02: So when what year did you meet him?
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_02: So he's I'm imagining he's been through all this with you then.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so when by the time I had my surgery, we'd been together six years.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um and we'd like to.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_02: That must have been so hard for him with you in hospital and he couldn't come in.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Before I got admitted, we'd moved into our new house.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like when I look back, I feel like I was robbed of that new house bubble experience.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, he just he just said it was just horrific because he was just so helpless.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like what could what could he do?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um but no, I was rock bottom and I couldn't move back in to our new house with him because I couldn't get out of bed on my own.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: But he would wake up so early to go to work that I'd that I was just staying with my mum.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I think I was just I was just in such a bad mindset where I just felt like I could never be loved anyway, so I just didn't want to be I didn't want to be in bed with him having to have this thing.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: I th I was convin I convinced myself that I smelt and b which I know now I d I didn't.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: I just I think it was like, yeah, it was just like this block I had and I couldn't get past it.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I was I was like that for a good three, four months, I say, after my surgery.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: And what changed that perspective?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: So as I was getting physically m stronger, I think I was I I I mean I didn't go like a day without crying for about six months, I'd say.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then I booked a holiday with my mum because I she just said, let's just get away.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I bumped into a girl that I'd spoke to on Instagram who had a stoma in a beach bar on holiday.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh I was just like chatting and I had like a full swimming costume on because I was I wasn't confident enough to get my bag out.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, You need to do a reveal picture on Instagram, and I was like, No, I can't.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: She said, You have to.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: You have to do it tomorrow.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna do it tomorrow.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, No, no, no, I can't.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, No, no, no, no, no, uh, she hasn't got her stoma anymore, no.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she's had a reversal, but she just said, You've got to do it because you just don't worry about it anymore.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Oh, maybe, maybe.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: Next, I do find that when like a newbie pops up and you see all the the love they get, and it it just makes you think, yes, you know, this is the good thing about this, this is what matters.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: It is what matters, and that's the thing.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you got back into exercise once you'd fully recovered, and obviously your recovery was a bit longer due to the weight loss and everything else.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: How did you build yourself back up?
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I think what like saved me was swimming, which I think looking back, I was like, God, what is like some people are terrified to go in a pool with a stoma bag.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: But um, me and my mum were trying to think of things that would was like weightless and really like would just let me relax at the same time.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: So we got like a membership uh uh uh swimming pool and we used to go three times a week.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: And at first I started with just stepping in and out of the pool, and then I built up to walking up and down, and my mum was hilarious.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: She she was treating me like a China doll, but I think in the long run that's how I got so strong.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_02: She had seen you go through all this though, like from a mother's perspective.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_02: She must have been very anxious and wanted to make sure that your recovery went well.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, 100%.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like I couldn't even get a glass out of the like I she didn't want me reaching or bending.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, it was like proper hotel treatment.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_02: Did they um get you a physio?
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, who gets physios?
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_02: Did you do you get physios?
• 25:54
  unknown: Yes.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that's because you're basically married to yourself.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well, no, no, no.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: Look, enhanced recovery for anyone having surgery, it is proven that moving 24 hours after surgery and getting the patient up and walking about for at least a week before they discharge you home is proven that the patient recovers more quickly.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_02: See, we're we're told that, but I I don't know many people that have had a physio.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_02: Like specifically had the type of I mean the nurse comes in and goes, right, come on, get up.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, oh shit, okay.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh the ward I was on was like a loop.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: So they had a whiteboard, you'd put your name, and it was the laps, and you had to tally the amount of laps you did.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like a competition on everyone in all the beds.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the surgeon would come and he'd go, You've only done four laps, up you get, round again, and we just do lap and lap and lap and lap.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that did help me, but it honestly it was swimming.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I just used to just do length and length and length and length.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think because I felt confident with doing that, I built up to like walking, then I started running, and then I went back to the gym and started doing more weights and things like that.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: With the walking and the starting running, did you do the couch to 5k?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, I I just did like I I was I was very fit and healthy before, and I used to quite enjoy running before.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I just felt like one day I think I can do it, and I think I just went out and did like a I don't know, I said like a 3k.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought I won't push myself, and then later on in the week I was like, oh, I think I can.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: I just went out and did a five.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it was like all the the swimming and walking and like building up slowly.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's I it's like it just clicked and I was like back to my old self.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: And how did you feel then?
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, amazing.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: I loved it.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_02: How long was it from your surgery that you got to the point where you felt right, I'm I'm feeling my best.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'd say like eight months.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was a long old time, and it was frustrating because I was like, Oh, I used to be able to do this so well.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I think now, like I used to look back, I used to see the gym as a chore, and like I've got to go to the gym, I've got to stay healthy.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now I look at it as like a complete privilege privilege.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh my god, I get to get up and go move my body.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: And when I hear people say, Oh, I can't be bothered, I'm like, get up, go, why wouldn't you?
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you your body is healthy, like, come on, let's do this.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I've just got it.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: My mindset has completely shifted.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I think with loads of aspects of my life, it has.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's the thing though, when you're at your worst and you're the most ill, it's always the things that have have have a beneficial impact on your mental health, are the things that get taken away from you.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: So your independence, driving, just even going out for a little walk.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, going to work.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to go to work.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: I can wait to go to work.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_02: When because you you trained as a primary school teacher.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_02: So were you teaching during any of this?
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_02: Had you started that yet?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I'd had my new class, I was with them for about two months, and then I got admitted.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: And um they had a completely new teacher then because I was off for about six months.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then I went back and I had like a phase return.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um but the Were they good, the school?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_02: What were they like?
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so the head teacher was really, really supportive.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: And when I came back, the supply teacher that they had um when I first came back, we were like teaching together.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: So if I was like, Oh, I'm exhausted now, she'd go, I'll take over.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, she's one of my closest friends now, which is lovely.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we've built a friendship from it.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, I got I couldn't wait to go back.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to I wanted to feel normal again.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you've you've had a bit of a switch now, haven't you?
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_02: I mean the opportunities you've had since going on the gram is quite amazing.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, I think I I knew I didn't want to be a teacher forever, but I think it's I feel like it's almost the career that it's it's so it is so rewarding and it's so comfortable that I think you could get stuck in it.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think if I if I didn't have my stoma, I don't think I would have ever had that confidence to switch it.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it just got to the point where I thought this is not making me happy like it used to anymore.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't really know what I'm gonna do next, but this year I handed in my notice and yeah, I've I I've just felt like like almost free again.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think I would have done it without my stoma because it isn't until you're lying in that hospital bed and you see how short and precious life is and how quickly things can go wrong.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Why should you wake up every day and go to a job that's not making you happy?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_02: So you've not got that dreaded, oh, we're nearly back in a couple of weeks.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_02: No, I haven't got it anymore.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: Your summer holidays carry on.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've never ever been able to go on holiday in September.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I've booked a holiday for the first time.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_02: And you've just been to Japan?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_02: Just been to Japan.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_02: Insane.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_02: How was it with your stoma then?
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_02: Were there anything you came up against or anything you thought, oh no, literally nothing.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: The heat was it was 38 degrees, but I had no issues with the heat with my bag stick in.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've never I've never really had issues with that, when even when I go on holiday.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: And they have specific ostomate toilets out there.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we I saw that you shit that.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: And they were amazing.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: And everything is just like labelled.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think over here, because they don't have those, like they had a little image of like a it was like a the body of a person and a plus where your stoma bag would be.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that just eliminates all those awkward conversations that you have to have, because I've had awkward conversations coming out of disabled toilets being told you shouldn't be using that, and then you have to explain.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it's just everything was labelled, and like other things that should you you can use a disabled toilet for were up there as well.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: I just thought, yeah, it was really inclusive and it was just so and every toilet was clean.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: So clean.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's not a luxury get here.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: And like even walking up to like an ancient temple, and like you'd think of the you know, like the toilets we have in parks over here, really, really grim.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like you could eat up.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_02: But were they all the self-cleaning ones?
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: They are, but they've got people going in after every person, like a someone mopping the floor, someone it's just so clean out there.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, it's amazing.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, what are you doing now after you decide to change careers?
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, really just seeing where life takes me, and I feel excited for that.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I will be doing supply teaching because I still have to pay my mortgage, but really just having that flexibility now to be open and any opportunity that comes my way, I can just grab it, ride it, and see how it goes.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, how long after surgery did you do the tough modder?
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_02: That's on my bucket list for next year, though.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe like a year and a half?
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that was good.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_02: That was hard.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_02: Where did you go to do it?
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_02: Which one did you do?
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um Bristol?
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: Is there one in Bristol?
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think it was one in Bristol.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I've made that up.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: And how did you feel doing the tough modder?
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because that thing's brutal.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: So Yeah, how did your bag hold up then with all that any issues?
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um there's toilets all the way around.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh little port to loose, which I know, but it's gotta be done, hadn't it?
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: But the only thing I found difficult was, well, there's a few things I found difficult.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously trained really hard for it.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um I wear like the support belt, the tube one, and oh my god, it was when I was w like wet going through the mud, it was just moving, and I found it really difficult to try and hitch it back up.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: And there was like a couple of us, uh, me and a couple of my friends hiding behind the tree, and they're like literally yanking it back up.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: What leggings did you wear for that then or shorts?
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: Just like standard black leggings.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_02: Were they high over your bag?
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, or over my bag, but then like my belt was covering that anyway.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think with regards to stuff like the tough mudder and things like that, it's um you'd be better with like the corset that they give you when you first come out of hospital.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've always had like a corset belt.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've only ever been given the tube one, so that's all I've ever I've ever had.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: But there was one exercise, I did everything, and it was coming to the end, and I was like, oh my god, I've done everything.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is such an achievement.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: And there was like the wall that you run up, and then people grab you.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just picturing myself running up, someone grabbing me, and my body like full onto the and I was like, everyone went up, and I was like, guys, no, I'm not gonna do it, I'm not gonna do it.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I started walking around, they were like, You can do it, you can do it.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: And my friend and my boyfriend fiance now, uh, was shouting, We'll we'll grab your tummy, we'll grab, we won't let your tummy slam.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Oh, it's one exercise.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do I do?
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm gonna do it.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I just like ran up, but they were all so aware, and like all of my boy uh fiance's friends were just so aware of it, like they were grabbing my tummy, they were making sure nothing was slamming against.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: I just feel like like my support system for that was amazing.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_01: Scuba diving.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now I've been snorkeling with a stoma, but how is scuba diving?
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because I always wonder, is there like the pressure?
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, nothing nothing happened.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_02: Still surely wouldn't you feel better because you're all Yeah.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I wore my support belt and uh a um wetsuit, and then the only thing I really struggled was was how heavy the tank was on my back.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but my dad was behind me holding the tank, so I didn't feel any pressure.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then as soon as I got into the water, I didn't even I didn't even think about it.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I came up, it was just filling up like it usually fills up.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't I didn't feel anything, which is amazing.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_02: With your Instagram, so I've noticed your content is a little bit different than the norm.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_02: So a lot of people tend to do static images, show their bag.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_02: You're more a bit like our friend Ant, where you pick up on trends, you might do memes, you might do point of views.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_02: So what made you what inspires you with your posts?
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_02: What what gives you that?
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think I just want to make it really fun and just like I feel like I have such a fun, bubbly uh personality, and I just want to project that through my Instagram account and just that it is so good to like obviously show like educational things as well, but also that having a stoma bag, yeah, like it's just it's just me.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's just my normal and uh you see other people doing those memes and reels, and then I just think you can do them with a stoma bag as well.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I just try and make it really just it I hate using the word normal, but making it like the norm.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um I mean it's um like modelling.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: Who have you been modelling?
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I did so I reached out to an activeware company in London called Pocket Sport uh when I first came out of like this was like maybe six months after surgery, because one of the founders has ulcerative colitis.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I reached out and said, Would you ever consider having a model with a stoma bag?
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: And they were all for it.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I got a train up to London and I just did like modelling for their leggings.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I did like a little blog on their uh website, which was amazing.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just I loved like just getting the word out there, educational things.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then uh this year I joined a disability modeling agency.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um I saw uh the did you see the traitors?
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Molly.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: So she was it was linked up with that, and I thought, oh, why not?
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: Why let's like let's have a go?
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I applied and didn't really hear anything from it, and so I thought I'll just apply again, and then I got invited up, and um so yeah, I'm signed with them now, and there's like work coming through, and I did I went up and did a shoot for Garnier.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so with I know I was like, why is my face not in it?
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's just my stomach.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um but yeah, so that was amazing, and like a few things in the pipeline now, but that'll hopefully come through.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I'm just I'm just loving it, and I'm just going with the flow and just why not?
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_02: So when you put that first image up with that photo shoot you did with your mum on holiday, did you keep doing content after then, or when did you really get into the flow of right, I'm gonna raise awareness and do this as well?
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I I would post things on my personal Instagram account about my stoma bag, but because I was a teacher, I think I had to be really careful that I wasn't public.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then I feel like I came back to work after having my stoma and I thought this job is not for me.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not passionate about it anymore.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I sat down um with my friends and they were like, Well, what are you passionate about?
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I just want to tell people about stomas and I wanna I want to get that awareness out there.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then they were like, Why don't you make an account?
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so December last year, I just thought, oh, why not?
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I I think I knew I was gonna leave teaching anyway, so I thought I'm gonna make my account public.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if they tell me off, I'm leaving anyway.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_02: Did you get top notes?
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: No, that the all the parents in schools followed me.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: They found me on on and I was having conversations with parents on the door.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_00: All my year six students knew about it.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: I used to show them my bag, they all followed me.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, it was just like another way of teaching, basically.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, did you find that you had to be careful though with the type of content that you were putting up?
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I was just careful with like swearing, um, because I think I know some of the songs have swear words in, but like bikini stuff, I just thought, well, you could bump into a teacher on holiday and see them in a bikini.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: Always doing it like educate with an educational message underneath rather than just here's a picture of me in my bikini.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: There was always like a message or uh an inspirational quote or something that would help someone else.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_02: But even just, you know, not having a a long message, you know, someone like yourself who maybe didn't know what they were before and were worried will see that and will get something from that.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_00: So honestly, the messages that I receive, it's just like, yeah, this is why this is why I've left teaching and I'm trying to do something different because this makes it all worth it.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you've been doing presentations at universities.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_01: How long has that been?
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that was amazing.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I did it for a like a a fashion a group of fashion students.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: So they had to do something that was inclusive for a specific disability.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: And um I did a talk for um Fius Femmes in it's based in Cardiff.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's just all about like inspirational women, and I got invited to do that, which was a an amazing opportunity.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: And after I did that, I got approached and someone said, Oh, I came to your um talk for FS Femmes.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, We'd love you at the university.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I know, no.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: And they said they'd never had someone with a stoma bag, um, they'd always just focused on different disabilities, and she'd asked me to come in and like not really tell them what the disability was because you if you looked at me walking down the street, you wouldn't know that I had one.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just really interesting.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: But the things these students were coming up with honestly was amazing.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Yeah, make one of them, like that's really good, and do that.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: And things that I hadn't ever really thought of, but then also things that they were like, when you carry all I was talking about carrying all your supplies, and if you have like a tiny little cute bag, you're a bit stuffed, you've got to shove everything in your pocket.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_00: And one student was like, Oh, well, you could wear like a belt with it all tucked in.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Would you wear that?
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, No, and I was like, Don't make it for me then, because I won't wear that.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, why should we wear a belt?
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, I know it would kind of help me, but I mean, would you wear that walking down the street over your outfit?
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: No, don't make me do it then.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_02: I miss that about nights out where you could wear a little, you could take a little bag.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I've got a bag that's not massive that I can get away with putting in a couple of bag changes, but yeah, that is one thing I think, oh, I can't leave the house without bringing stuff.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_02: I must just be dangerous, then.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you're one of them.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, girl.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I I spread everything out between the group I'm with.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I have like, I don't know, a folded up bag in my tiny little pouch, and then Zach will have my spray, my best mate will have all my bin bags and my wipes, and then I mean, if you're in a dilemma, you're like, right, everyone in.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's when it's when they do the bag checks.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I use the perform sachets.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that one just looked dark.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, having to having to carry like the the the the card that goes that comes in the perform box.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_02: I've never been stopped or anything to happen, like so yeah, like a bag check.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_02: If you're going somewhere like I took my son to Man United the other week for a tour, they looked in my bag, there were scissors in there and all that, but they didn't say anything.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_02: But I've never been questioned as to why I've got stuff.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_02: I know that's not a lot of people do, but I've been quite lucky really.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I think Dreamland down in Margate was the only place where I had to justify why I had a pair of scissors in my stoma.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever had that?
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't take scissors maybe that's risky of me, but I've I don't take scissors out with me.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: I've only ever been stopped in the airport.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um but I always wear I think I've just not on purpose, but I've just worn trousers.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: And where they've gone, you've got something in your right pocket, I've just gone, no, it's my stoma bag.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then last time I went away, they were like, Oh, you're lucky that you showed us because we would have had to take you to a room and done a property.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I've had that a check.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: But then coming back from Japan, nothing.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to wish them good luck with regards to the checks with regards to certain things.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because obviously I've got Barbie butt.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_01: Could you imagine explaining that?
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh God.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_01: I oh so do you have the option for a reversal?
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, it's definitely something that um I have.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: The option for, I just don't know if I would.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my surgeon won't do it until I've started a family.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he said.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: But to be honest, the thought of stepping into hospital and having more surgery, even now, and I'm coming up to nearly three years post um surgery, I I can do it.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, with regards to because obviously the longer you leave it, the less likely that a reversal could be a success.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: Would you contemplate just having the protectomy surgery and just having the rest of it taken out so the stoma is permanent for life?
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't my honest answer is I don't know.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm just wanna I feel so happy and healthy now that I just want to plod on for as long as I can.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um I have had a flare-up since in my rectum that I've had to go to hospital not like admitted to hospital, but I've had to go and see my consultant.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm honest, he was really blase and chilled, and he was just like, You're alright, that's all right.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can you can have a healthy baby, bleeding.
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_02: Do you want you back in with your nails?
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, they don't want me.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a nightmare.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a nightmare in there.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want me back.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, he just and I think it sounds funny, but like him being like that, I was like, oh, chills.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_01: Chilled.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, what advice would you give to someone that's struggling to accept their snow when you think about your journey to where you started, to where you are now?
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I have two main pieces of of advice for like different points of the recovery.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like when you first come out of hospital, get just give yourself time.
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself that time you need.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it is so easy to, I think, compare your journey to other people's.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I get messages, I wish I was as confident as you, I wish I could strut around in a bikini like you can.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I always reply, you know I couldn't.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's taken me a year, maybe even more, to get to the point where I'm really confident on sharing it on social media.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_00: So honestly, just give yourself time.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: And like I've I've said, I cried every day for about six months, and then I I just feel like something switched.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I and it got to like a two weeks, and I was like, I haven't cried.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've I just feel so much better.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: So just give yourself that time.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: And my second piece of advice would be for people who are a bit further on, like like myself.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I think don't ever dismiss what you've been through.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that people see us now and we we look so healthy and so confident.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I think sometimes I dismiss those fe those waves of sadness that I get, because I still do get sad.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it's more so over the memories of my hospital experience and just having gone through that.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think don't dismiss that.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: Give give yourself that you've been through a lot.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like stoma surgery is huge.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_00: You've been through it.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_00: Don't dismiss your feelings, give yourself that time to be sad.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_00: As long as I'd accept acknowledge your feelings, accept them, but then I'd say let them go.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like those are my two main pieces of advice.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you so much, Poppy, for coming to me us and chat with us today.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_02: Um, yeah, I think what you've shared will be really valuable to a lot of people, especially in their journey of acceptance.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_02: And it's amazing to see how you are today glowing.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_02: Uh thank you to everyone who has listened to this episode of Beyond the Pouch.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_02: Make sure you've subscribed to our channel so that you can be updated on the latest episodes, and we will see you next time.
• 47:29
  unknown: Bye.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_02: Bye.