Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #587 Relationship Wipeouts

Transcript

#587 Relationship Wipeouts · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now attribute the best possible motives to your partner. They're
0:13
Speaker 2: not trying to ruin your life.
0:15
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm just trying to have balance
0:17
Speaker 3: in my life, catch some waves when they're around, and
0:20
Speaker 3: get all the work done that I've got overwhelming me.
0:23
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:26
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:27
Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy
0:29
Speaker 3: family dot com dot are you, and the parenting expert
0:31
Speaker 3: on Channel Line's Parental Guidance Recovering from Father's Day. I
0:36
Speaker 3: love Father's Day. I've decided I love Father's Day. I
0:39
Speaker 3: reckon this week the kids did a better job of
0:43
Speaker 3: being nice to each other and keeping the house in
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Speaker 3: order and just making it a great day than they've
0:47
Speaker 3: ever done before.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. I'm wondering if it has more to do with
0:50
Speaker 2: the fact that we've been more conscious about our routines
0:53
Speaker 2: instructures than it did with Father's Day.
0:55
Speaker 3: Yeah, we are working hard on the whole family thing.
0:58
Speaker 3: I reckon it's got to do with the fact that
1:00
Speaker 3: they're getting older and they're being nicer to each other
1:03
Speaker 3: because it's like self regulation. They're just they're bigger, do
1:06
Speaker 3: you know what I mean?
1:07
Speaker 2: Bigger isn't always better, but in this case, it just maybe.
1:10
Speaker 4: Well.
1:10
Speaker 3: We hope that you and your family had a wonderful
1:12
Speaker 3: Father's Day. We get heaps of feedback on the Happy
1:15
Speaker 3: Families podcast podcasts at happy families dot com dot I
1:18
Speaker 3: you as the email address, and we really appreciate that
1:21
Speaker 3: you take the time to reach out and ask us questions.
1:24
Speaker 4: Drop us notes.
1:25
Speaker 2: One of the most requested topics we get asked about
1:28
Speaker 2: is how to make that couple relationships stronger. You know,
1:31
Speaker 2: when you have bumps along the road, how do you
1:34
Speaker 2: navigate that to create stronger relationships?
1:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, and the strength of the relationship between parents is
1:41
Speaker 3: so important for the strength of the family. We wanted
1:44
Speaker 3: to share an example with you of how we recently
1:49
Speaker 3: dealt with a bump in our road.
1:52
Speaker 2: So last week you had a particularly busy week, as
1:57
Speaker 2: did I. I was involved in some significant volunteer work
2:00
Speaker 2: which kept me extremely busy, and you were traveling like
2:05
Speaker 2: pretty much. You haven't had to travel like this for
2:08
Speaker 2: a long time, and so you were out of the
2:11
Speaker 2: house a lot. You were out at night and gone.
2:14
Speaker 2: We were having dinner without you pretty much every night
2:16
Speaker 2: of the week, and the only night you were home
2:18
Speaker 2: I wasn't.
2:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, can I name drop for a sec. Some big
2:23
Speaker 3: schools have had me in and also some organizations. I've
2:25
Speaker 3: been working with Anglican Church Grammar and Brisbane, with Clayfield
2:29
Speaker 3: College in Brisbane, with Ivanhoe Girls Grammar Dad in Melbourne,
2:31
Speaker 3: giving talks for parents and for staff to tell people
2:35
Speaker 3: be happier, help relationships be better.
2:37
Speaker 4: So that's what I've been doing. Good work.
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Speaker 3: It's not like I've been absconding from my parental and
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Speaker 3: husbandly duties, not that I said.
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Speaker 4: That, no, no, no, you didn't.
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Speaker 3: Okay, So really busy time for both of us, and
2:47
Speaker 3: we're passing one another like ships in the night.
2:50
Speaker 2: Yeah. And then on top of that, it just happens
2:53
Speaker 2: that after weeks and weeks of wanting to go surfing
2:56
Speaker 2: and the surf being absolutely flat, this week it was
3:00
Speaker 2: pumping and you just wanted to get out there and
3:03
Speaker 2: enjoy it, which I love. I love that you have
3:05
Speaker 2: an outlet and that you know you've made some new
3:08
Speaker 2: friends up here and you're able to spend some time
3:10
Speaker 2: with them in the water. I think it's awesome. The
3:13
Speaker 2: problem comes when we combine the fact that you're not
3:16
Speaker 2: home at night and then you leave first thing in
3:18
Speaker 2: the morning, which means that you and I actually don't
3:21
Speaker 2: even get to have any pillow talk, any conversations that
3:25
Speaker 2: might happen without children around, or other stuff that might
3:29
Speaker 2: happen with out children around as well. So I had
3:32
Speaker 2: a conversation with you, and I just wanted to kind
3:36
Speaker 2: of get an idea of what the next day was
3:37
Speaker 2: going to look like. We had literally not spent any
3:40
Speaker 2: time together. We'd had lots of phone calls, but no
3:43
Speaker 2: physical kind of conversation together. So I was hoping that
3:47
Speaker 2: at least we might get some pillow talk in the
3:49
Speaker 2: morning before the day started. But you announced that the
3:53
Speaker 2: boys had decided that the surf was good enough to
3:55
Speaker 2: go out again, and you wanted to go with them,
3:58
Speaker 2: and I, well.
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Speaker 3: It's not that I wanted to committed to without thinking
4:02
Speaker 3: this making me look really bad.
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Speaker 2: Okay, you committed, that's fine, and so I then kind
4:08
Speaker 2: of just laid out what the next few days looked like,
4:11
Speaker 2: and the fact that I was going to be out
4:13
Speaker 2: the next night, and then we had family over for
4:15
Speaker 2: dinner the following night, and our weekend would just be disappearing,
4:19
Speaker 2: and again we'd find ourselves in the same position. And
4:22
Speaker 2: you acknowledged at that point that it was really.
4:24
Speaker 4: Tough, and I figured we understood each other.
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Speaker 3: We're both having a hard time. We haven't seen each
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Speaker 3: other much, there's a lot going on. Sometimes life's busy
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Speaker 3: like that. I get it, it's hard.
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Speaker 2: I assumed, based on the way you responded, is that
4:38
Speaker 2: you would think about the conversation that we'd had and
4:41
Speaker 2: that come the morning, you would actually surprise me by
4:44
Speaker 2: turning your alarm off and just staying in bed with me.
4:47
Speaker 2: I didn't, but that's not how it happened, and so
4:51
Speaker 2: I was just feeling really really let down. You tried
4:54
Speaker 2: to give me a cuddle before you left, and I
4:57
Speaker 2: just I couldn't understand after how blissit I'd been on
5:00
Speaker 2: the phone the day before about how lacking in time
5:04
Speaker 2: we'd had, that you would be making the decision you
5:06
Speaker 2: were making, but nevertheless you did.
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Speaker 4: I'm not a mind reader. I thought that we just
5:10
Speaker 4: understood each other. It's hard. I didn't know.
5:12
Speaker 3: You didn't explicitly say can you not serf tomorrow? So
5:16
Speaker 3: I thought it was okay that I was surfing. Like
5:18
Speaker 3: I said, this is a revelation.
5:20
Speaker 4: Carry on.
5:21
Speaker 2: So by the time you got home, I was really
5:23
Speaker 2: really upset, and you felt it. You tried to connect
5:27
Speaker 2: with me, You tried to have conversations with me, you
5:30
Speaker 2: tried to have a cuddle with me, and I was
5:32
Speaker 2: just not into it. I just was busy doing what
5:35
Speaker 2: I needed to do, and I didn't want to have
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Speaker 2: a bar of you. Until finally you recognized that this
5:39
Speaker 2: was not going to go away in a hurry. So
5:41
Speaker 2: you close the door behind us, and you said, we
5:43
Speaker 2: need to sit down, we need to have a talk. Yes,
5:45
Speaker 2: And at that point you were able to take a
5:49
Speaker 2: step back and recognize what you thought may have been
5:53
Speaker 2: the problem, and so you articulated that to me. You
5:56
Speaker 2: said that you recognized that I was feeling pretty up
6:00
Speaker 2: upset about things, and as you'd thought about it, you
6:03
Speaker 2: could recognize that maybe going for a surf this morning,
6:07
Speaker 2: considering the week we'd had, was not the best choice
6:10
Speaker 2: you could have made, and that it had left me
6:12
Speaker 2: feeling isolated, unheard, and a little bit unloved, and that
6:18
Speaker 2: you really wanted to be better for me. In the
6:23
Speaker 2: process of that, I recognized that while that was part
6:26
Speaker 2: of it, what actually upset me was that I felt
6:30
Speaker 2: like I had had a conversation with you the day
6:33
Speaker 2: before and had highlighted all of those things, and why
6:38
Speaker 2: going for a surf the next morning wasn't actually the
6:41
Speaker 2: best idea for our relationship, and that you had completely
6:45
Speaker 2: ignored my plea for time together.
6:49
Speaker 3: So after the break, we're going to talk about, apparently,
6:52
Speaker 3: how this is going to help people to have better relationships.
6:58
Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
7:01
Speaker 3: Our boys are struggling with friends, mental health, alcohol, drugs, pornography, emotions,
7:08
Speaker 3: and so much more. But science tells us that the
7:11
Speaker 3: most important thing for your son's well being is his
7:14
Speaker 3: connection with you. The Bringing Up Boys Summit is about
7:19
Speaker 3: one thing, taking you into your son's world and helping
7:23
Speaker 3: you connect with him in the way he needs you.
7:26
Speaker 3: To find out more on the Happy Family's webshop and
7:29
Speaker 3: start connecting with your son today.
7:32
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
7:34
Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, And we've just
7:38
Speaker 2: laid it out on the table, honey.
7:39
Speaker 3: So how do we take this scenario and help people
7:42
Speaker 3: to have better relationships? I mean, this is the request
7:44
Speaker 3: that we get a lot, and you've selected this is
7:46
Speaker 3: a scenario where people can learn what to do. Is
7:50
Speaker 3: it just when your wife says to you, I miss
7:53
Speaker 3: you don't go surfing the next day? Or is it
7:55
Speaker 3: about the conversation that we had, Like did the conversation
7:58
Speaker 3: save the day? How do you want to unpack this
8:00
Speaker 3: and what are the take home messages that can help
8:02
Speaker 3: people to navigate that. There's such a generic, boring in
8:05
Speaker 3: some ways everyday scenario where people misread one another and
8:09
Speaker 3: get it wrong, and it could have blown up. It
8:11
Speaker 3: could have turned into a three day stone walling, I'm
8:13
Speaker 3: not talking to you, you don't pay attention to me situation.
8:16
Speaker 4: But it didn't.
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Speaker 2: Definitely, And I think one of the reasons I wanted
8:20
Speaker 2: to pick it is, like you said, it is just
8:22
Speaker 2: a generic, everyday occurrence. We're not perfect, and these scenarios
8:27
Speaker 2: happen in all kinds of relationships, not just our intimate other.
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Speaker 3: Okay, so where do we take this then? How do
8:33
Speaker 3: you want to unpack it? And what lessons are there?
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Speaker 2: I thought you were the expert, right, Okay.
8:38
Speaker 4: All right, That's not what I was expecting you to
8:40
Speaker 4: say either. So there's a.
8:43
Speaker 2: Couple of things that stand out to me. Sure, So,
8:45
Speaker 2: over the years our relationship has developed and strengthened, and
8:49
Speaker 2: our level of communication has improved out of sight. I
8:54
Speaker 2: have come from a family where we didn't talk about problems,
8:56
Speaker 2: and if we did, it didn't it wasn't pretty at all.
9:00
Speaker 2: And you are a really big communicator, and so that
9:03
Speaker 2: has been a challenge for me over the years. Getting
9:06
Speaker 2: to a point where you have become a lot more
9:10
Speaker 2: articulate about what you are noticing in me has been
9:15
Speaker 2: really really powerful. Right, you haven't tried.
9:18
Speaker 4: To fix me or fixed the situation.
9:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not trying to fix me or the situation,
9:24
Speaker 2: but you're also taking full responsibility for the part that
9:27
Speaker 2: you play in it, regardless of whether I am able
9:29
Speaker 2: to take responsibility for me.
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Speaker 3: Okay, So, if I was to wind this back a
9:33
Speaker 3: little bits, here's what I'm going to pull out of
9:36
Speaker 3: it as lessons based on what you've just said.
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Speaker 4: First off, I blew it.
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Speaker 3: I heard what you were saying, and I even empathized
9:42
Speaker 3: and understood what you were saying. But I didn't perceive
9:45
Speaker 3: the opportunity to take action, or at least I didn't
9:48
Speaker 3: prioritize the action that was necessary. I knew that you
9:50
Speaker 3: wanted me to stay with you, but I've made a
9:52
Speaker 3: commitment to the guys. The surf was supposed to be pumping,
9:54
Speaker 3: and that's kind of where my head. I was tunnel vision,
9:57
Speaker 3: one track mind, that's where I'm going.
9:59
Speaker 2: And that's what happens in in real life.
10:01
Speaker 4: Of course. Yeah, we've got our own agendas.
10:03
Speaker 2: Own agendas, and we become one tracked mine because in
10:05
Speaker 2: my mind, you had nearly eighteen twenty hours of notice
10:10
Speaker 2: to be able to let the boys down it.
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Speaker 4: I can't make it.
10:13
Speaker 2: You were texting them twenty minutes before you were supposed
10:15
Speaker 2: to be meeting them. I had had a conversation with
10:17
Speaker 2: you which would allow you to have done that. But again,
10:20
Speaker 2: it's that a gender driven.
10:23
Speaker 4: And we get televisional mentality.
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Speaker 3: I'm going this way, this is what I'm doing, and
10:28
Speaker 3: wives do it, husbands do it, parents do it, kids
10:30
Speaker 3: do we all. It's just a human tendency. But what
10:33
Speaker 3: this also highlights is that when there's a rupture in
10:35
Speaker 3: the relationship, we need to repair it. And so when
10:37
Speaker 3: I came home from the surf, you were cranky at me,
10:40
Speaker 3: and you're saying I didn't try to fix you. I
10:42
Speaker 3: didn't try to diminish or devalue your emotions. I didn't
10:45
Speaker 3: tell you to get over it. I didn't say, well, what,
10:48
Speaker 3: I'm just not allowed to have a surf. I didn't
10:50
Speaker 3: get defensive. What I did instead was I literally said,
10:55
Speaker 3: I totally get why you feel the way you feel,
10:58
Speaker 3: and I overstepped. I got this wrong as a total
11:01
Speaker 3: misread on my part, and I shouldn't have done what
11:03
Speaker 3: I did. But that's only part of it. What you're
11:06
Speaker 3: also saying is I didn't tell you that you weren't
11:08
Speaker 3: okay for feeling it, or demand that you forgive me.
11:11
Speaker 3: What I did and said was say, you're feeling hurt,
11:14
Speaker 3: you're feeling like we're not getting time together, and you're
11:17
Speaker 3: feeling like I'm getting my priorities all wrong.
11:20
Speaker 2: Well, what I loved about it was that you recognize
11:23
Speaker 2: that I didn't. Inherently. I wasn't saying you were a
11:26
Speaker 2: bad person. The hurt that I had was because I
11:31
Speaker 2: miss being with you. Yeah, and so often that is
11:35
Speaker 2: actually the underlying issue. We're not getting the connection time
11:39
Speaker 2: that we want together, but it comes out in a
11:43
Speaker 2: form of anger or frustration instead of actually just the
11:48
Speaker 2: deep sadness that that connection is not there.
11:51
Speaker 3: And again, this is a perfect scenario because so many
11:54
Speaker 3: couples would go through exactly this kind of thing. And
11:56
Speaker 3: I love the way that you've highlighted it comes out
11:58
Speaker 3: as anger, because anger as a secondary emotion. We've talked
12:01
Speaker 3: about this on the podcast many times, and it comes
12:03
Speaker 3: from another emotion. In this case, it's loneliness or sadness.
12:06
Speaker 3: It's a desire to be connected, to be seen, hurt
12:09
Speaker 3: and valued, and that's just not there. But the other
12:12
Speaker 3: thing that I'm taking from the way you've deconstructed the
12:14
Speaker 3: scenario was that as I spoke to you, I didn't
12:16
Speaker 3: try to promise I'll never do it again, or I'm
12:19
Speaker 3: going to make it all better because i won't go
12:20
Speaker 3: to work today and I'll stay home with you. I
12:22
Speaker 3: didn't do any of those things. And I didn't tell
12:24
Speaker 3: you were wrong for feeling it. I just said, here's
12:26
Speaker 3: why I did that was wrong. I get why you're
12:28
Speaker 3: feeling the way that you're feeling.
12:30
Speaker 4: I'm really sorry. Is that about it.
12:33
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:33
Speaker 3: I didn't try to fix you, didn't try to change
12:35
Speaker 3: the situation, just let it be. But I acknowledged it, yeah, totally,
12:39
Speaker 3: And how does how does that work? I mean, even
12:42
Speaker 3: as I'm saying this out loud, I'm wondering was there more?
12:45
Speaker 3: I'm kind of feeling like that's a little bit empty,
12:47
Speaker 3: Like did I not do anything groundbreaking or revolutionary or
12:49
Speaker 3: relationship saving?
12:51
Speaker 2: No? But that's the crazy thing. We think that we've
12:54
Speaker 2: got to do these amazing, you know, superhero efforts to
12:58
Speaker 2: have these beautiful relationships, But it's actually the mundane, everyday
13:02
Speaker 2: attempts at those bids for connection that make all the difference.
13:06
Speaker 3: I didn't even stop for flowers. You didn't saved all
13:09
Speaker 3: that money just by being with you.
13:12
Speaker 2: But one of the biggest things I think that I
13:15
Speaker 2: have come to recognize in the strength of our relationship
13:19
Speaker 2: is being able to own our own stuff.
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Speaker 4: Right right. I can't make you mad, You've got to
13:24
Speaker 4: choose to be mad.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And so, in spite of the fact that you
13:27
Speaker 2: knew I was upset, you recognize the part you played
13:30
Speaker 2: in it. But you only carried your part. You didn't
13:33
Speaker 2: take on my part. There's a part if me, the
13:36
Speaker 2: part where I wasn't willing to meet you. I was angry,
13:40
Speaker 2: and I was actually turning away from you as a
13:43
Speaker 2: result of that. Anger, that's not yours, that's mine, that's
13:47
Speaker 2: mine to own, and so being able to come to
13:49
Speaker 2: the party and recognize that this is that there's a
13:53
Speaker 2: two way connection happening here and each of us play
13:58
Speaker 2: a part in it, and being able to take responsibility
14:01
Speaker 2: for the part you play.
14:02
Speaker 3: So the take home message as we wrap this podcast up,
14:05
Speaker 3: if you want to have a stronger relationship, and there's
14:07
Speaker 3: been friction, there's been conflict, there's been a misalignment of
14:11
Speaker 3: priorities in whatever way that may play out for you
14:14
Speaker 3: and your family, what are the key points that we
14:17
Speaker 3: want to pull out of this whole podcast?
14:19
Speaker 4: The absolute take home message.
14:21
Speaker 2: Number one, ye own your own stuff, take responsibility for
14:25
Speaker 2: the part you play, and apologize.
14:28
Speaker 3: Okay, so and that goes both ways, right, you had
14:30
Speaker 3: to own your stuff as much as I had to
14:31
Speaker 3: own mine. That's right, and you haven't yet apologized.
14:35
Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
14:36
Speaker 4: What's number two?
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Speaker 2: Attribute the best possible motives to your partner. They're not
14:41
Speaker 2: trying to ruin your life.
14:43
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I mean, I'm just trying to have balance
14:45
Speaker 3: in my life, catch some waves when they're around, and
14:48
Speaker 3: get all the work done that I've got overwhelming me.
14:51
Speaker 3: And also I mean, I thought we were connecting on
14:53
Speaker 3: the phone, but I had the best possible motives. It's
14:56
Speaker 3: just that I didn't really recognize that priorities needed to shift.
15:00
Speaker 2: What's number three and the last one. Make sure your
15:03
Speaker 2: expectations are clear and that you've set boundaries.
15:07
Speaker 3: Yeah, this is really important because otherwise you end up
15:09
Speaker 3: with a husband who consistently thinks that it's okay to
15:11
Speaker 3: go surfing and neglect you in the mornings when you
15:13
Speaker 3: really just want to have some time for connection. And
15:15
Speaker 3: so by owning your own stuff and having those conversations,
15:18
Speaker 3: you get to make sure that you're holding the line
15:20
Speaker 3: on boundaries that matter to you.
15:22
Speaker 2: And I guess articulating precisely what you want, precisely what
15:28
Speaker 2: you want. So in that situation, what I should have
15:30
Speaker 2: done is based on the week we've had and the
15:33
Speaker 2: weekend that we are going to have. Would you mind
15:36
Speaker 2: giving up surfing tomorrow morning so that we can have
15:38
Speaker 2: time in bed.
15:39
Speaker 3: Can you send a text to the guys and say
15:41
Speaker 3: you need some family time?
15:42
Speaker 2: Okay, watch out next week.
15:44
Speaker 4: You should know that there's no surf on the forecast
15:46
Speaker 4: for a while. You're safe.
15:48
Speaker 3: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhland for
15:50
Speaker 3: Bridge Media with Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For
15:52
Speaker 3: more information about making your family happier, please join us
15:55
Speaker 3: at Happy Families dot com TODA