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How to Not Fall Into the Narcissist’s Bait Traps · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, we're entering in, is at the time of this recording, we're entering into the holiday season.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so the topic of conversation in a lot of client sessions is just around relationships and family and extended family, and what comes up routinely is toxic dynamics.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things I want to talk about today is narcissistic baiting.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes we don't even realize that it's happening, but in relationships, sometimes we are baited into situations and to conflicts.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: But when we're talking about narcissistic baiting, what we're talking about are individuals who have those narcissistic traits or actual that narcissistic personality disorder, and they deliberately insult or provoke you with hurtful comments to elicit emotional and defensive responses.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's really important to just be aware of this.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Again, this can happen anytime, but when we're really engaged with a lot of um just meeting of people, it's important to just pay attention to who might be doing this and who might be showing up this way.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because narcissistic baiting is manipulative.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's a strategy that they use to cause an emotional reaction within you, but it's a way to gain control over you.
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  SPEAKER_01: And they do it sometimes to embarrass you, sometimes to intimidate you, sometimes to insult you, to initiate an argument.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's it's almost like it fulfills their need.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like it, you become their supply in that way because you know you're you're fulfilling that for them.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: But what it does for you is that it triggers your own anxiety, it can trigger shame within you or fear.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: And when that happens, you also sense, you also tend to lose your sense of power.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: You the power goes to the other person.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, it's important to understand though, of course, that there is a psychology behind it because narcissistic baiting tends to come from this desire for the narcissist to to have attention and admiration and control and power.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: So when they're feeling like that's been lost, they tend to bait even more because they're trying to bring you back in so that they can they can get fulfilled, right?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because they're trying to feed their ego, their sense of importance, their sense of dominance in the relationship.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: They're so they're trying to evoke an emotional response through baiting.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um narcissistic baiting, now it can take lots of different forms.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, some forms that we've talked about before that I'll just kind of mention again is gaslighting.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that's the one where, you know, it's actually very common, and and when they gaslight you, uh, they're really distorting the truth or they're denying that something has happened.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're trying to rewrite history so that you start to doubt your own reality or your own perceptions or your own judgment.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Another way that they bait though is guilt tripping, or they play the victim.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: So they'll actually try to make you feel responsible for their feelings.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, if you have a narcissistic parent, they will remind you routinely of all of the sacrifices that they've made for you and how ungrateful you are.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Another way that they guilt trip or play the victim is if something is happening, somehow they're always the one that is victimized by the situation.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: So even if you're sharing how you feel, somehow they'll be the victim of the fact that you feel um you're feeling sad.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: They also bait through false hope.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, generally they will know your hopes and aspirations, and so they'll bait you to uh get what they want from you.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: So they'll uh maybe, for example, um uh offer to help.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they'll help you get to this specific thing or get to the thing that you're wanting if you meet a specific condition.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: However, once you do whatever it is that you're supposed to do for them, they don't actually fulfill their end of the deal.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Love bombing is another baiting technique.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: This is one that we've talked about on here on this podcast before.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it is about being really over the top with the loving kindness, the super flattery, the showering maybe of gifts or praise or just compliments.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're the most amazing person in the world, the most beautiful person in the world.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: You are my the most important thing in my world.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's those are examples of love bombing and it's a baiting tactic to bring you back in.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Stonewalling, oddly, is the like kind of the opposite of that, where they will give you the silent treatment and try to punish you, but they're trying to punish you maybe because you didn't satisfy their needs, so they're gonna ignore you and refuse to interact with you, almost to try to bait you into feeling guilty, so that then it draws you back in.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that which another way that they bait you too is withholding affection, right?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: So they're gonna become emotionally cold and withdrawn until they get their way.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: So that's another way that they try to bait you back in.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're married to a narcissist, for instance, they may not show you affection or emotions.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: They may, well, they may complain that you don't show them affection or emotion, and then you'll be like, you'll think, oh, I gotta jump through that hoop.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: So then you do that, but then they'll they'll be emotionally cold to you.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so what they're trying to do is bait you into that feeling of anxiousness and and you've done something wrong, so now you're anxious and you're you feel guilty, or maybe you're starting to feel shame, and then you'll you'll do whatever you can to please them, to get their love back, because that's the pattern.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's that that not just the trauma bond, but it's just the the toxic pattern between the two of you.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Calculated aggressions would be triangulation where they will involve a third party.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes if it's a partner who is um has those uh narcissistic tendencies, they'll try to triangulate either a parent, like a parent or an in-law, or they'll try to triangulate the kids into it.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: They'll try to turn other people against you.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: So they'll actually talk to friends or talk to family members and try to and and try to get turn them against you.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: This happens in workplace dynamics.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: They'll try to turn co-workers against you because the main goal there is to isolate you.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: There's also fear-mongering where they'll threaten to um share details about you or to disgrace you somehow.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, they will um, they can also, another form of baiting is to use um ways of trying to just uh you know, elicit reactions.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: So again, the the blame shifting, it's it's your fault, or triggering an emotional response through intentionally provoking you to um you through bringing up topics that you know, that they know, excuse me, that they know are vulnerable.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So they'll like bring them back up.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: This happens a lot too if there was there was a disagreement in the past or some something that you might have maybe met um, you know, regretted and they'll bring that up even if it's years into the now, you know, years have passed, they'll still bring it up.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: So understanding these motives of the baiting is really important because that can actually start to help you figure out how how and what boundaries you want to set.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, in just recognizing that the behind this is their need for control over you, their need for dominance over you.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you're thinking about ways to deal with the baiting that happens, is it's important to give yourself permission to start to emotionally detach, just recognizing the baiting behavior and really using present moment awareness, that mindfulness um, you know, practices to just avoid reacting impulsively, avoid reacting from an emotional standpoint, and just allow that room to detach from what it is that they're trying to do.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Setting boundaries, we've talked about this before, but it is so important to figure out what's acceptable and what's not.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And just when you're communicating the I statements, I mean, if you're dealing with a narcissist, let's be honest, most of what you do is going to be reflected back as though you're somehow you're in the wrong.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: But it's important for you to be able to state those things with I statements.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then having support.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: I cannot express this enough that when you're in a toxic relationship or toxic dynamics, so we're not just talking about romantic, we're talking about family, we're talking about friends, we're talking about work.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Having support and working through it is so important because when you're in those dynamics, so much self-doubt occurs, so much conditioned behavior starts to take hold.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so having somebody like a coach to work through it with and recognize what are some of those conditioned behaviors so you can start breaking them down in order to move yourself forward is so important.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you want to talk about this or anything else where you feel like coaching might be able to help you and support you in moving yourself forward, by all means, feel free to reach out to me and book a time to speak with me at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.