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Ways out of Loneliness - Considerations and Exercises · Gabriel Ellis, PhD | The Curious Mind Podcast

0:01
Welcome to another episode of the Curious Mind podcast.
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Today I conclude the small series I was doing about
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loneliness and isolation, and I want to focus today on the
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practical ways of how to get out of it.
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And I want to start with some fundamental considerations.
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The reason for this is similar to other topics that I that I
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pursue. It's impossible to just get into
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the practical level. Impossible in the sense that it
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is not sustainable. It will not work very well.
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We always need a context. Context is everything.
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And so the topic of loneliness has a very complex context.
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I highlighted this in the previous episodes, but also the
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practical ways of getting out of it need some contextual
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considerations, otherwise it will not work.
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The first thing that I want to emphasize is the enemy is not
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you, is not yourself, at least not only.
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The problem is that the mind is structured in a way so that
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social interactions are just exhausting.
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So social situations are always associated with tension and with
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stress. And as you know from other
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examples in your life, sometimes from work when it's fun,
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sometimes from spare time, even sport is some sort of a stress,
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some sort of attention that is pleasant.
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So stress can be pleasant. And so there are people who are
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usually called extroverts who enjoy to be around other people,
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but it doesn't change nonetheless that this is stress.
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And other people who are either introverts or ambiverts, they
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experience this tension, this social stress, often as negative
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or quicker as negative. So this is the one thing to keep
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in mind that our enemy, so to speak, always in quotes, is not
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just our habits or laziness or something that we should
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criticize ourselves for personally, but how the mind is
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structured. Social interaction is stressful
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and because the mind is like this, a general engagement with
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the understanding of how the mind works.
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So with either philosophy or sociology or meditative
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practices, these are very abstract practices of
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understanding that are geared towards understanding of the
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mind and the role that social interactions play within the
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mind. This can help.
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Now meditation is not really a solution for the problem of
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isolation and loneliness, but in meditation we do practice our
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frustration tolerance and we do practice our independence from
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ordinary experience. And so these two side effects of
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the meditative practice can help us to deal with the frustration
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of social situations and it can give us a protective armour, a
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buffer to a certain extent, because social interactions are
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external to us. Right.
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OK. What is another important
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general consideration? In the past we had more norms
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about behaviour and social activities.
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Norms means that we could predict better how people react
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to a certain behaviour. If the norm is to greet greet
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each other in a certain way, then I know pretty well that I
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will not be criticized or judged for greeting people in exactly
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the same way. The norms don't give us a recipe
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for full satisfaction, for joy or pleasure.
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Norms give us a recipe for how to not be judged or disregarded.
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So when in the past social interactions were more
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normative, it gave people a certain confidence of a a
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compass, some guiding rules of how to behave.
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Today we have very few of those. We have norms in microcosms of
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social interaction and many societies in echo chambers.
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This is where rules get established, but they are not
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valid for kind of the center of society, so to speak.
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It doesn't exist anymore in the old conventional way and so this
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brings an additional uncertainty for individuals of how to behave
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when I'm meeting someone and I want to create a friendship.
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When I'm meeting someone and I want to date today is it is much
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more difficult to assume and to calculate what my behaviour
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should be so that I'm not unfairly judged or just
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dismissed. So we have to very individually
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kind of assess, be attentive, be careful about how who the other
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person is. And we have to find clues from
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the interaction to what the internal mindset are, what the
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the individual norms are. And only then I can get a little
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bit of confidence that I don't violate these norms.
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But again, this is not something that is a problem within us,
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that we are lazy or don't, we don't have skills.
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It's the complexity of the world, the variety of people
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with their unpredictable norms that is an added stress or an
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added difficulty for us who want to overcome our loneliness and
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our isolation. As I've described in previous
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episodes, we because of complex social reasons, we now have also
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a smaller comfort zone and we feel more easily annoyed, more
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easily hurt, more easily disregarded.
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So this is something that also doesn't help us in overcoming
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this problems because we are socially much more sensitive.
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So in short, social problems of loneliness how are kind of
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amplified because of how consciousness is constructed.
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This has always been the case. This has been the case in
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previous decades, centuries and millennia, and additionally to
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that. So in that respect, because of
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the first reason, social interactions were always
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difficult. But additionally to that,
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society has changed. Society certainly in the
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so-called Western countries, but also in other parts of the
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world, society has changed. And this has intensified our
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issues for the, let's say, past 60 years.
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And with the upcoming of social media and the problems that I
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described that are related to that this has added in the last
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15 years or so much more, and this added stress, this
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difficulty in overcoming our isolation and our loneliness.
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It's certainly unfair. We have, we haven't done
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something particularly wrong to deserve this.
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And it's doubly exhausting. It's not just how the mind is
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constructed, but now that we have to consider all of these
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social problems as well, the changes of society, social media
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and so forth, this is another difficulty that we hope have to
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overcome. Good.
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Let me come to another group of considerations where it's about
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to have realistic expectations. So now I have those general
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considerations in mind, and now I want to approach other people.
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What are realistic expectations that I can have about people and
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about the interaction? One thing that is important to
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me that I highlight often in my therapies is that the way that I
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behave creates a certain image of me and this image of me that
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is created in the mind of the other person.
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This image does not belong to me.
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The image that my date or my supposed friend has off me is
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partly, of course, because of me, but to a large extent is
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also due to how they think, what their worldview is and how I fit
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in their worldview. So this is the topic that is
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connected with what in the past decades has been termed
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constructivism. It's the acknowledgement that we
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make up a very specific version of the world in our minds, and
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we make up a very specific version of other people in this
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world. And how we understand and see
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those people is not only because of how they behave, but how I
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make my very idiosyncratic, my very specific calculations of my
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world and the people in them. What does that mean for the
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direct interaction when I want to approach someone?
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You don't have to take a full responsibility for the image
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that you create in someone else's mind.
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Don't have so much pressure in coming across in a perfect way
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to the person you want to befriend or to a date that you
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meet, because you cannot control it anyway.
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We don't have an X-ray that tells us exactly the mindset of
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the other person so that we could perfectly adjust our
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actions and our communications so that the image in the mind is
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perfectly to our favor. It is not possible.
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We don't have these machines. I will never have.
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And also, even if we ask people how do you want me to be, they
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can only tell what they know and they certainly don't know
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themselves perfectly well. So this is a fundamental
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problem. The conclusion is don't try to
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perfectly fine tune the image that you create in someone
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else's head because you can't. And as always, when we try to do
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something that is impossible, we put on our shoulders additional
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stress that is unnecessary. Another thing that is more
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statistically true than necessarily true.
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In many cases, people that we're interested in, they don't have a
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spot left in their life for a best friend.
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Usually people feel quite stressed, overwhelmed, busy,
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doing a lot of social or parasocial activities, as I
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called them last time with social media.
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So nobody's just waiting for me. Nobody's just bored and has
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nothing to do and is waiting for me to step into their life.
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If I befriend someone, they have to carve out the time, the
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resources, the capacity so that I fit into the world.
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And they will only do this if I'm exceptionally well fitting
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because yes, many people have acquaintances.
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They have kind of friendships from the past that are not
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really satisfying anymore. So yes, if we are a great fit,
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they will change their lives, they will adjust, Maybe they'll
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spend, they will spend less time with other people in the group
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of acquaintances and more with me.
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But it has to be a really good fit.
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So that I hope helps you to understand that when you get a
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rejection, again, it is not necessarily and probably not
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entirely because of who you are and what you're present.
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It is also partly due to the fact that the people that I want
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to befriend don't have enough capacity to add someone who
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might just be another person who somehow fits.
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No, people are more selective nowadays and they will add me as
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a friend. They will want me as a friend if
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it seems to be an exceptional fit.
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And this is difficult to achieve, especially in the first
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interactions, because some people reveal the lovable parts,
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the tender parts, the vulnerable parts, Not in the first
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meetings. As always, friendship needs
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time, and knowing a person for months or years will reveal very
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different aspects to them and more appealing aspects to them
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than the ones that we just know for a few meetings.
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Here there is an advantage for people who are charismatic, who
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are flashy, who are attractive, who have features that are more
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commonly associated with being interesting, well travelled,
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good job and so forth. And this doesn't tell much about
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if they are good friend material, friendship material.
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They're just attractive according to the current sets of
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rules and norms that exist in society.
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And it undervalues people who need more time to open up, need
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more time to be acknowledged for the subtle humor that they have
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or the special interests that they have.
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So this is a principal difficulty that we have to face
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as well. Another thing to consider,
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people constantly judge and evaluate.
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And so when we approach someone and we hope within ourselves,
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please don't judge me, please don't look at me negatively.
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This is an unrealistic expectation.
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People constantly judge, constantly evaluate.
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It doesn't have to be a harsh judgement, but we walk down the
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street and we look at people and we get an instant judgement of
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if they're interesting, if they're appalling, if they're
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kind of nice, if it's could be material.
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And so don't have the negative expectation that people won't
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judge you. They will judge you just
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hopefully within a range of normal to interesting.
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Another thing, at the beginning we are always dealing with
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constructions of people, with images of people.
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So even when I meet someone, if I'm completely honest and
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authentic, if I show myself as I truly am, this will not land at
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the other person as the authentic person that I am.
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What they will see is something completely different.
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They create an image. Again, this is due to what we
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have found in the research of constructivism.
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They construct an image of me, yes, with time, the better they
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know me and so on, they get a better approximation of who I
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am. But at the beginning, we are
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bound. We are doomed to have simplified
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images of people. Even if I'm completely honest
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and authentic, it will not arrive at as a truly authentic
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image. On the other side.
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They will make. They will take what they see
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from me. And they will craft it into an
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image. They will put me in boxes.
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This is just what it is. So again, don't put yourself in
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unrealistic pressure to create a great, authentic, truthful
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version of yourself or to argue with the other to that they
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should see you in a certain way. They will form an image.
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Hopefully it's benevolent. Hopefully it's an OK image.
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Hopefully it's an image that has the potential to develop into
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something more, but do I have control over it?
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I don't. The next topic, authenticity
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from my side, is an ideal. Usually people present social
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personas, versions of themselves in social interactions, and
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that's OK. Or to put it differently, the
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person that I am authentically by myself is not the same person
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that I am in social interactions.
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Even when I'm quite authentic, the mixture of the social
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situation that I'm taking part of, the other inside of me that
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I'm looking forward to be seen in a certain way which is also
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authentic, this need to be liked and so on, will create a
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different, slightly different person than I am alone.
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This is OK, don't be alarmed by it when you find yourself acting
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differently in social situations then you would act on your own
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or with family or very close people.
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This is normal. It takes time to get comfortable
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with people and until then we are bound to present a certain
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persona. Another important thing to keep
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in mind, people in the actions are not monolithic, which means
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they're not set features in the personality that are just so
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people are not just dishonest or tender or likable or
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interesting. The reality is that every person
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has a tension inside of them, if you will.
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There's is the perspective of inner paths.
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This is what we say in psychology, so that I have
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different needs and different parts inside of me.
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One part is brave, another part is shy, another part is smart,
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another part is clumsy. All of these different parts are
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inside with me. And before I display a certain
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behavior, when I communicate in a certain way, then it's the
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most accurate to see this behavior, this communication, as
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the result of a very complex calculation that is happening
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sometimes unconsciously, sometimes even consciously
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within myself. And the result is simple.
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But the simple result that I make a joke that some people
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find funny and some not is the result of a complex calculation,
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right? Should I make this kind of joke?
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I'm asking myself, is the social environment ready to accept me
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with this kind of humor? Should I stay in the background?
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Should I put my need to contribute in a certain way to
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be seen in a certain way in the foreground?
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Or should I just laugh at the other people jokes and try to be
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malleable and so on? There's so many different
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aspects in any given situation, so don't think that a person is
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just like that. To go away from a meeting and to
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think how this person was so unpleasant or dishonest or fake
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or rude or lovely, all of these are just the end results of
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different aspects inside of them kind of competing with their
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energies. And so I have ways to bring out
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of someone the lovely side, the vulnerable outside, the kind
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part, the funny part, the general part, generous part or
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the competitive part and so on. This is partly to the atmosphere
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that I create and so social situations, but I should
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nonetheless not confuse it with this is how they are.
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And that's it. It's the result of the inner
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parts working together to create an any given situation, a
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version of compromises of the inner energies.
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The main tool to overcome loneliness is to see myself and
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others to understand others. To see that they too have
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worries, hopes and expectations, disappointments.
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It's not that they just are. They're just walking around,
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acting, communicating their motives behind.
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It is connected with the last point that I'm made.
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There is a complex in a world inside of them.
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And it's an important tool in overcoming loneliness,
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overcoming isolation, to see that everyone has a complex in
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our life. Because then I can empathize,
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can sympathize. I too have worries.
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I too have hopes. I too have expectations.
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And so when I communicate with this inner riches, with this
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inner variety, and I'm willing to see this inner richness and
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variety inside of others, then this is something that is
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important for them. This is something that they are
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interested in to be seen to be taken as a complex personality.
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And so when I'm ready to behave in this way, to communicate in
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this way, then I have done a major step towards being
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interesting, being worth to be considered as a possible friend.
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Because this is something that is rare.
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People want this in their life. People want to be seen.
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And if I work towards giving that and providing that, then
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this is a major step forward to be acknowledged and seen as
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someone who is worth spending time with.
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OK, let's get a little bit more practical.
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People who have the some of the strongest inhibitions and
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problems to be interactive, to be social, are people with
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social anxiety and the way to overcome this.
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And of course there's complexity to this.
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You can find books and YouTube feeders and so on.
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So social anxiety is a thing. There are people who have very
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big problems to engage at all with other people or to be
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comfortable in social situations and the way out of this, and
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luckily anxieties are relatively easy to treat.
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The way out of this are exercises which are there to
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reduce the inhibitions in social exchange and to create the
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opportunities, not the guarantee, the opportunities for
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connection. One of the things that people
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with social anxiety have an exaggerated version of in their
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mind is the fear to be judged, the fear to be devalued by
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others. And in reality it happens all
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the time. People, like I said, are judged
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all the time. People are valued, put in a
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pedestal or devalued all the time.
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The unconscious of people with social anxiety has difficulties
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to accept this and so the practice is practice to be
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judged. Go into a social setting, to
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some networking event where it doesn't matter.
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We don't meet people that are super important to your life and
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practice to be judged. Say something that is slightly
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out of order. See how people react and check
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within yourself if the reaction that they display, which is that
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they judge you or they're not that interested in you, if it's
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really that brutal and devastating as you thought it
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would be. And typically it is not the
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practice. The psychological practice, in
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short, is to replace the fantasy of what happens, the
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catastrophic fantasy of what happens when people judge me
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when they don't like me, to replace that with the reality.
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And the reality is much more sober.
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It's not that excessive. It's not as dramatic than I
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imagine it might fear. The intellectually, many people
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know this. The unconscious has to realize
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this, and the unconscious realizes this through practice.
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It's not something that I think through in my mind and I
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calculate. The unconscious is much more
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simple in that respect. It needs to see that the
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rejection is not the end of the world, it's just unpleasant.
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This is what it is, and I have to expose myself to that again
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and again and then again, and to check within myself.
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It will never become pleasant to be rejected.
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There is something inherently unpleasant in it, but it's not
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catastrophic. And this is the clue for or one
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of the important clues to overcome social anxiety.
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So go out and collect rejections.
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This is an important part now if you want to practice on
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contacts, Leaving aside the perspective of social anxiety,
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but you're still not sure of how to navigate social situations, I
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would suggest to observe. Go into social settings, go into
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a park, a network event, whatever it is, and watch
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people. How do they interact?
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How do strangers interact with each other?
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What behavior seems to be tolerable in these situations?
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And typically people exaggerate. So if I have a slight anxiety,
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if I feel very uncomfortable in social situations, I will try to
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be Teflon. I will try to be pleasant,
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smile, do nothing wrong. But this is an exaggeration.
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When I look around and I see how people behave, I will see and
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recognize that sometimes people do things that are very
27:09
unacceptable for me and they're still not severely judged,
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thrown out or whatever my catastrophic imagination would
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be if I did these these things. So people are much more tolerant
27:27
than I think, or they focus on things that I did not have in
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mind. They might tolerate a bad joke,
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they might not tolerate a certain non verbal behaviour or
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vice versa. Observe.
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Learn in your surrounding what is tolerable, what doesn't seem
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to be tolerable, and learn usually that there is a much
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bigger variety of what people seem to like, tolerate, accept
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than you think. And when you learn that, allow
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yourself to display a much bigger variety of behavior as
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well. One other important practice is
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practice speaking if you have difficulty with that, and to
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practice to initiate contact. There are safe spaces for this.
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If you don't want to go out into the wild, so to speak, there is
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an organization that is called Toastmasters.
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This is where you can learn in a safe environment to practice
28:28
speaking to practice giving speeches, and it's a practice
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thing. You will get better in this
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regardless of which level you start with.
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Maybe you don't become a world class speaker with that, but
28:43
certainly you improve and this is the goal.
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For more deep kind of encounters where you really get a better
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understanding of how you are perceived by others, there are
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settings that are explicitly for that.
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They are called, for example circling or encounter groups or
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T groups. And T stands for training.
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So circling encounter groups, T groups, you find all of them
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online as online groups or if you are in more urban centres
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you might find them also as in person groups.
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And this is where you practice to be yourself and then get
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feedback from others how you how they perceive you.
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Circling tends to be more positive and acknowledging and
29:38
encounter groups or tea groups I think and it's difficult to
29:43
generalize. They offer a bigger variety.
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They can also say something more critical generally in social
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situations. Learn to become an ambassador
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for your own needs. Give your needs the space that
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they require, especially in contrast and in competition with
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people who are more pushy, who put their needs very much into
30:09
the foreground without looking around and asking themselves if
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maybe they're rolling over, if they kind of push to the side to
30:18
quiet people. So you have to learn to take
30:22
your space now if you want to make if you have found people
30:27
that you're truly interested in, not training material, but truly
30:30
interesting people. Don't waste time and energy on
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people you are not interested in.
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Sometimes people look attractive and cool and I think that I want
30:41
to be friends with them. But the very first interactions
30:44
already shows that we don't click.
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Don't waste your energy on that. Generally it means that there is
30:53
not a good fit. If I will continue to try to
30:56
appeal to those people, I will feel not accepted, not seen, and
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it might lead to a negative self view that I'm not cool enough,
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not good enough, not interested in enough.
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And it's actually just a side effect of trying desperately to
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connect to people that I don't have chemistry with.
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From your side, when you're interested, truly interested in
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people, try to be authentic. I said something slightly
31:26
different before, I know that, but be authentic for your own
31:31
sake. It doesn't matter much how you
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appear. The side effect or the risk that
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I take when I'm authentic is the risk of rejection.
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If I show myself as I truly am, I might get rejected because I
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deviate from the norm from other people to a certain extent.
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But it also increases the chance to be interesting.
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If I try to be nice and acceptable, I'm also bland and
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uninteresting. Or if I try to be cool, it might
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come off in a wrong and just silly way.
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So this is 1 important reason to be authentic.
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Show yourself as you are so that people could see who they're
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dealing with and who could see aspects that might interest
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them, interest them. The other aspect, why it's
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important to be kind of authentic from the beginning is
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that let's say I create a persona.
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I fake a certain identity because I want to be with people
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that I find very interesting and cool.
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And then later I after some few months, I slowly start to show
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more of myself. There is a problem there because
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then these new friends will ask themselves, who is this person?
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Have they constantly lied to us? Have they hidden a part of
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themselves? This is a sort of a betrayal.
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And it's, it's, it's as if they you wasted my time.
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Like why do you did you pretend to be somebody else?
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Why did you pretend to be cool with everything when in fact now
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you show that you are quite judgmental in certain aspects.
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So this is due to the fact that once we put people in the box,
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it's difficult for them to get out of this box.
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Allow people to put you in the right box, so to speak, by being
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authentic. OK, At the end I want to mention
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a very important point. In general, when it comes to
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social interactions, and I said it before in a different,
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slightly different way. Recognize the subjectivity of
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others. Recognize that their inner world
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is unique. The key to do that is empathy.
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Approach people with interests, express this interest, listen
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carefully to them, ask follow up questions.
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These are all basic instructions for empathy.
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And in the end, immerse yourself in the inner world of the other
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person, regardless if they're talking about themselves, if
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they're talking about politics, sports, leisure time, it doesn't
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matter what it is. They express themselves from the
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inside of their inner world. And when you learn to
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acknowledge that, you give people something that they are
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craving for. We all want to be seen.
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We all want to be recognized. And so it's very pleasant to be
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around people who provide that. It might then also lead them to
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be interesting, interested and vulnerable in your inner world.
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And then it's an ideal fit when I show that I am interested in
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your inner world and when you are in return interested in
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mine. OK, this is it for today.
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I hope you like the content and I see you next time.