Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1202 - Boys Will Be Boys? The Disturbing Reality of Sexual Threats in Schools

Transcript

#1202 - Boys Will Be Boys? The Disturbing Reality of Sexual Threats in Schools · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: While it's not explicit, the content of today's podcast may
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Speaker 1: not be suitable for younger listeners. We encourage parents to
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Speaker 1: use discretion ahead of this particular podcast episode Today. What
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Speaker 1: happens when inappropriate sexual content is being shared on school
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Speaker 1: laptops during school hours and after school hours with kids
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Speaker 1: at school. We tackle that based on something that happened
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Speaker 1: last week on social media that absolutely blew up on
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Speaker 1: today's Happy Families podcast. We're so glad to have you
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Speaker 1: along real parenting solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded
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Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Colson. Kylie, until
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Speaker 1: I told you that we were going to record this
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Speaker 1: and talk about this, you didn't even know what blew
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Speaker 1: up on social media last week. You don't follow doctor
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Speaker 1: Justin Colson's Happy Families on Facebook? Am I understanding that correctly? No?
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Speaker 1: I do, And you just don't read my content well because.
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Speaker 2: I don't interact with it. It doesn't come up in mind.
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Speaker 1: It's just getting worse. Don't don't read it, don't interact.
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Speaker 2: Only have fifteen minutes on socials today. I'm looking for
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Speaker 2: artwork for our home.
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Speaker 1: I'm going to blame our screen time limits. All right, well,
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Speaker 1: this is a really serious conversation, so I don't want
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Speaker 1: to I don't want to have too much comedy at
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Speaker 1: the beginning. Here's the setup, and just to ask questions
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Speaker 1: as we go, as you need to. I'll probably have
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Speaker 1: a lot more to say, at least in the initial
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Speaker 1: stages of this discussion than you. So last Monday, I've
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Speaker 1: got an email my office sent through an email that
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Speaker 1: came from a mum who was just desperate. She was saying,
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Speaker 1: my daughter's getting this these threats, these sexual threats from
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Speaker 1: a boy in her grade. They're only in grade seven, so.
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Speaker 2: Just stop there. Yeah, grade seven.
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Speaker 1: Grade seven, so the twelve years old.
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Speaker 2: How is this even possible.
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Speaker 1: I've got one word. One word answer is sufficient. That
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Speaker 1: one word is pornography. So you give your kids a phone,
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Speaker 1: and the phone becomes the center of the world and
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Speaker 1: it unlocks it unlocks everything, absolutely everything. And unfortunately most
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Speaker 1: parents when they give their kids a phone, usually at
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Speaker 1: the beginning of high school, although it does happen earlier,
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Speaker 1: it becomes it just becomes their world, It absolute becomes
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Speaker 1: their world. Anyway, this mum says, my seven year old
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Speaker 1: daughter has been getting these threats I've reported to the school.
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Speaker 1: The school is responding, but they're not moving fast enough
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Speaker 1: for me. And the boy is still in class with
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Speaker 1: my girl and he needs to be out of the school,
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Speaker 1: Like why should my daughter be the one who misses
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Speaker 1: out on school, Like she doesn't want to go to
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Speaker 1: school anymore. And she just said, I'm not quite sure
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Speaker 1: what to do. I've spoken to the police. They've said
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Speaker 1: that he's doing the wrong thing, but they've got a
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Speaker 1: limited amount that they can do, but they have been helpful.
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Speaker 1: And she said, I've spoken.
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Speaker 2: Do you mean they've got a limited amount that they
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Speaker 2: can do when she's literally.
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Speaker 1: Got proof, So essentially because of his age, they indicated
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Speaker 1: to her that from a legislation point of view, And
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Speaker 1: again I'm repeating this third hand, and I'm not a lawyer,
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Speaker 1: but from a legislation point of view, my understanding is
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Speaker 1: all they can really do is give him a warning,
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Speaker 1: a slap on the wrist. It's probably not even that,
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Speaker 1: quite honestly, And unfortunately, we just see more and more
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Speaker 1: evidence of kids that are just so brazen they're not
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Speaker 1: bothered by authority giving them a slap on the wrist
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Speaker 1: because the consequences don't hurt. So anyway, she said, I
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Speaker 1: don't know what to do, and she asked me with
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Speaker 1: her permission. I then shared her email and the screenshots
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Speaker 1: on my Facebook page. Now, at time of recording, that
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Speaker 1: particular post had something like two two and a half
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Speaker 1: thousand what do you call them likes, and some four
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Speaker 1: or five hundred comments and four or five hundred shares
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Speaker 1: as well, So based on Facebook's algorithm, this kind of
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Speaker 1: went pretty viral, given that things don't go viral like
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Speaker 1: they used to. But I want to read exactly what
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Speaker 1: I wrote. I think that needs to set up the
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Speaker 1: conversation that we need to have today on the Happy
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Speaker 1: Families podcast. And again today's about real parenting solutions, so
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Speaker 1: we need to get to solutions. We need the context first.
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Speaker 1: Here's the context. This is what I wrote Monday morning,
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Speaker 1: ten o'clock on Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families on Facebook,
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Speaker 1: and we cross posted it to Instagram. My mother just
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Speaker 1: wrote to me about her daughter's first year of high school.
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Speaker 1: She's been there about a month. Instead of excitement and growth,
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Speaker 1: this girl has faced sexual threats via school laptops, including
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Speaker 1: rape threats from a classmate. I've shared the screenshots beware.
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Speaker 1: This is ugly and it's happening in grade seven on
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Speaker 1: school laptops. Despite police confirming these actions as illegal, the
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Speaker 1: boy remains in her class. This is the second time
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Speaker 1: she's endured this from classmates this year. Both boys have
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Speaker 1: at this stage received nothing more than a quote slap
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Speaker 1: on the wrist. Close quote. The principal of the school
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Speaker 1: has encouraged to be in touch with police and applauded
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Speaker 1: her standing up for her daughter, but the boys are
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Speaker 1: still at school. I'm going to interrupt what I wrote
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Speaker 1: for a second. The principal. I've actually seen the emails
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Speaker 1: from the principal. The principal is being really wonderfully diplomatic
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Speaker 1: and saying I'm glad you going to the police, and
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Speaker 1: you should pursue this. I really appreciate that he's doing that.
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Speaker 1: But for me, applauding mom and saying good on you
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Speaker 1: for standing up for your daughter, for me, that's not enough.
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Speaker 1: He needs no, no, no, he needs to stand up for
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Speaker 1: her daughter as well.
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Speaker 2: That's ex exactly right. His job, literally, his job is
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Speaker 2: to safeguard all the children within his care. And while
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Speaker 2: ever he allows these boys to do what they're doing,
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Speaker 2: he's actually not helping them.
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Speaker 1: So let me continue with what I wrote.
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Speaker 2: And we'll let alone protecting her.
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Speaker 1: We'll come back to that. So the boys are still
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Speaker 1: at school. The result her daughter quote doesn't want to
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Speaker 1: be part of the school system ever again close quote.
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Speaker 2: Can you blame her?
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Speaker 1: This is not just unacceptable, it's a catastrophic failure of leadership.
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Speaker 1: Let's be clear about what's happening. When schools allow boys
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Speaker 1: who make sexual threats to remain in class with their victims,
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Speaker 1: They're making a value judgment. They're saying a boy's uninterrupted
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Speaker 1: education matters more than a girl's right to learn without fear.
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Speaker 1: They're betting on the wrong horse. These aren't incidents to manage.
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Speaker 1: They are character defining moments for schools, families, and communities.
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Speaker 1: The harsh reality is that schools pile hormone fueled, underdeveloped
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Speaker 1: brains together in confined spaces, then act shocked when problematic
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Speaker 1: behavior emerges. Add pornography to the pocket of every teen
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Speaker 1: boy in our community, a series of boy code beliefs
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Speaker 1: that amplify sexualized behavior, and parents of boys who are
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Speaker 1: unwilling to confront the reality that their boys are behaving
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Speaker 1: badly and instead write it off as boys will be boys.
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Speaker 1: It's not okay. Three uncomfortable truths. One. Schools that respond
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Speaker 1: weakly to sexual harassment aren't neutral. They're complicit in teaching
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Speaker 1: boys that predatory behavior carries minimal consequences. Two. Girls are
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Speaker 1: dropping out because adults in power positions have decided their
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Speaker 1: trauma is an acceptable cost of doing business. Three. Every
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Speaker 1: girl who leaves education represents a failure of our entire system,
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Speaker 1: not just an individual school. So what's actually needed. Schools
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Speaker 1: must respond with consequences proportionate to the harm caused. Boys
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Speaker 1: who demonstrate these behaviors need immediate, intensive intervention focused on
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Speaker 1: responsibility and empathy. We need clear pathways for boys to
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Speaker 1: repair harm, not just do their time. Robust supports systems
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Speaker 1: are needed as well for victims that prioritizes their continued
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Speaker 1: access to education, and parents must demand accountability from school
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Speaker 1: leadership with the same ferocity that they bring to academic failures.
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Speaker 1: To the mother who wrote to me, I wrote this,
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Speaker 1: your daughter's experience isn't an unfortunate incident. It's a predictable
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Speaker 1: outcome of systems that consistently undervalue girl's safety. Run everything,
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Speaker 1: challenge every week, response, escalate to education departments. Fine, parent
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Speaker 1: allies make noise, because here's the brutal truth. Educational institutions
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Speaker 1: move when their reputation or funding is threatened, not when
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Speaker 1: children are the next generation of men is watching how
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Speaker 1: we respond every week, need milk toast response to sexual
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Speaker 1: aggression tells boys exactly what society truly values, and right
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Speaker 1: now we're telling them the wrong story. So that's what
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Speaker 1: I wrote. After the break, let's talk about what parents
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Speaker 1: can do about situations like this. Okay, Kylie, you've heard
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Speaker 1: what I had to say. What's your response.
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Speaker 2: Well, as I was listening to I was actually flicking
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Speaker 2: through the images that you've posted.
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Speaker 1: As the screen the boys had to say.
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Speaker 2: The dialogue, and oh my goodness.
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Speaker 1: Send shivers down your spine when you think the twelve
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Speaker 1: year olds are saying this stuff, and you talk to
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Speaker 1: people like Dan Prince pay or Milita tank card Re
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Speaker 1: collective shout, and I'll tell you it starts in grade four.
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Speaker 2: Just like that's just a whole other world. And for
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Speaker 2: that and many other reasons, our ten year olds at home,
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Speaker 2: I literally I can't imagine subjecting my child to that
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Speaker 2: brutality and absolute disgrace. So I guess understanding and knowing
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Speaker 2: that our job here is to help parents.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, real parents out that's the podcast.
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Speaker 2: In this position. How do we help How do we
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Speaker 2: help this young girl specifically, but all of our girls.
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Speaker 1: So here's the really good news, because this mom came
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Speaker 1: to me and we were able to put it up
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Speaker 1: on social media. So many people just try to deal
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Speaker 1: with it. They keep it in house, they keep it
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Speaker 1: under wraps, they let the school look after it, or
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Speaker 1: they just deal with it at the local level, at
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Speaker 1: the individual level. But when we shine a light on
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Speaker 1: it with a big platform, all of a sudden, like
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Speaker 1: the comments, the stories, the fact that so many people
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Speaker 1: have said dealing with the same thing went through it
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Speaker 1: a couple of years ago, it's been horrendous. The response
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Speaker 1: from parents number one and lets you know that you're
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Speaker 1: not alone, helps you to know that you've got allies.
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Speaker 1: But number two and I think this is the critical thing.
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Speaker 1: People realize that accountability is demanded. Accountability is necessary, there's
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Speaker 1: responsibility that must be taken, and it forces education departments,
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Speaker 1: that forces schools and principles and leaders to say, Okay,
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Speaker 1: we really need to respond to this proactively and clearly
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Speaker 1: we've got to do something about the culture here. To me,
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Speaker 1: we need to amplify this sort of stuff, not reduce it.
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Speaker 1: It means that there'll be more reports, it means we'll
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Speaker 1: get more scared, but ultimately it's going to bring it down.
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Speaker 1: Why because people have to start to own their stuff.
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Speaker 1: So to me, that's the first thing. You shine a
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Speaker 1: light on it and you make as much noise about
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Speaker 1: it as you can. The second thing is, as parents,
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Speaker 1: we have got to stop outsourcing our children's care to
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Speaker 1: algorithms and screens and platforms where there are no people
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Speaker 1: with prefrontal cortices to help kids to make wise decisions
11:20
Speaker 1: like Parental monitoring and supervision is the number one protective
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Speaker 1: factor to keep our kids from both being victims and
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Speaker 1: perpetrators of this behavior. If you are going to allow
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Speaker 1: your child to be on a screen, you have a
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Speaker 1: responsibility to know what they're looking at, to know what
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Speaker 1: they're doing, to know what they're saying, to know what
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Speaker 1: they're typing, to know who they're communicating with and how
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Speaker 1: they're communicating. If you don't, I'm not into shaming parents,
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Speaker 1: but I need to say this really clearly. If you
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Speaker 1: don't keep an eye on what your kids are doing
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Speaker 1: from a screen perspective, it's an abrogation of your responsibility
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Speaker 1: as a parent, and they will either hurt or be hurt.
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Speaker 1: So they're probably my two big take home messages. Make
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Speaker 1: noise if it happens to you. And oh and if
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Speaker 1: your child is the one who is doing the perpetrating,
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Speaker 1: don't keep this quiet. You make sure that he absolutely
12:12
Speaker 1: And I'm using he because in ninety seven percent of
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Speaker 1: cases it is a he. There are girls who treat
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Speaker 1: each other horrendously badly too. I'm not making this a
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Speaker 1: gendered thing. Just statistically, it's more likely to be a guy.
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Speaker 1: If your child does the wrong thing, own it. Don't
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Speaker 1: be one of those parents. Like I said it in
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Speaker 1: the comments. You remember brock Turner, the guy who sexually
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Speaker 1: assaulted a girl at university at Stanford a handful of
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Speaker 1: years ago. I've got Shanelle Miller's book on my bookshelf.
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Speaker 1: It's one of the most brilliantly written books know my
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Speaker 1: name that I've just stunningly well written and profound in
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Speaker 1: terms of how it outlines the impact of sexual assault.
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Speaker 1: Brock Turner was the perpetrator, and in court his dad said,
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Speaker 1: I feel like my son's paying a steep price for
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Speaker 1: twenty minutes of action. Wow, this is number one victim
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Speaker 1: blaming and number two just an absolute unwillingness to own
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Speaker 1: what's going on. If we want our boys to own,
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Speaker 1: or our children to own their poor decisions, we as
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Speaker 1: parents have got to guide them to that ownership. We
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Speaker 1: can't shield them minimal consequences, absolutely not.
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Speaker 2: They need to experience the pain of that decision in
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Speaker 2: order for them to learn and grow.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. So number one, if you're the victim, make noise.
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Speaker 1: Make noise parents. You know what I love about this
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Speaker 1: story most of all, I've got a mum. I don't
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Speaker 1: love the whole mamma bear thing, but in this case
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Speaker 1: it's perfect. Right, here's a mum who's saying, my little
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Speaker 1: one needs protection, and I Am going to go full
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Speaker 1: tilt into protection mode because that's my job. My job
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Speaker 1: is to protect my kids. My daughter has been harmed.
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Speaker 1: She's only been at school for a term, not even
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Speaker 1: a term, half a term, and this is happening at
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Speaker 1: her brand new school that she was so excited for,
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Speaker 1: to the point where she doesn't want to be there anymore,
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Speaker 1: and rightly, so understandably, so go loud or if you're
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Speaker 1: the parent of a perpetrator, own it, accountability, responsibility, it matters.
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Speaker 1: I'm really pleased to see, by the way that after
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Speaker 1: we launched this big time on my Facebook page, news
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Speaker 1: media picked it up around the country like this thing
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Speaker 1: has gone off and police have been involved, and like
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Speaker 1: it's happening properly. The second thing is monitor, Monitor, and supervise.
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Speaker 1: They are the two action steps that I think are
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Speaker 1: more important than anything else. If there's a third one,
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Speaker 1: talk to your kids, say hey, here's what I heard
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Speaker 1: on the podcast today. Go back to my Facebook page,
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Speaker 1: have a look at the screenshots, like this is not unusual.
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Speaker 1: This stuff is happening all day, every day in schools
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Speaker 1: around this country more than you would possibly believe. This
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Speaker 1: is not unusual. Show them the screenshots, talk about it,
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Speaker 1: Ask them how they feel, Ask them if it's happening,
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Speaker 1: Ask them if they'll talk to you about it if
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Speaker 1: it ever happens to them. Come up with contingencies, ways
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Speaker 1: to respond, keep your kids safe. They're my three action steps.
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Speaker 2: I guess if I was going to add anything to
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Speaker 2: that from a practicality point of view, the conversations we've
15:12
Speaker 2: had with our girls when they've found themselves in tricky situations.
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Speaker 2: Block the person, don't engage in conversation because whenever you add,
15:24
Speaker 2: no matter what it is, whether it's a retort or whatever,
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Speaker 2: you actually add fuel to the fire. You give them
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Speaker 2: exactly what they want. So regardless of whether she has
15:33
Speaker 2: engaged or not, the behavior is disgraceful, disgusting and wrong
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Speaker 2: in every way. But by stopping it, there's nowhere for
15:41
Speaker 2: them to build traction because you're not giving them anything.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and I should have also mentioned there's the e
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Speaker 1: safety commissioner. It's absolutely got to be reported to the
15:49
Speaker 1: safety commissioner. It does have to go to the school.
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Speaker 1: When I say make noise, I mean you tell everybody,
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Speaker 1: all the authorities, you escalate it, you do all of
15:55
Speaker 1: those sorts of things. So I just I want to
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Speaker 1: make sure I cover that off. I reckon that's probably enough.
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Speaker 1: So we really hope this has been helpful. We will
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Speaker 1: link in the show notes to the Facebook post and
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Speaker 1: the information if you'd like more about it, and more
16:08
Speaker 1: than anything, talk to your kids, keep them close, monitor
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Speaker 1: what's going on, because this is the sort of thing
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Speaker 1: that you really don't want to have happening in your
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Speaker 1: kitchen and living room, or worse, in your child's bedroom
16:21
Speaker 1: where they suffer or attack alone. Thank you so much
16:25
Speaker 1: for listening. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
16:28
Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media. We would love it if you're
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