Latest / We Talk Back / No More A$$holes feat. Chantal Heide

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No More A$$holes feat. Chantal Heide · We Talk Back

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Chantel High, Canada's dating coach, the author of
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: No More Assholes, and I'm with the beautiful ladies of
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: We Talk Back.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: Welcome to We Talk Back podcast, a production of iHeartRadio
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: and the Black Effect Network.
• 0:13
  Speaker 3: We're just two unapologetically Black women with an opinion who
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: talk back. All right, y'all.
• 0:23
  Speaker 4: So we are back.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: And today on We Talk Back, we're helping you find
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: out whether your dating lives need better boundaries or a
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: better screening process. Okay, so today's guest is Chantal Hyde,
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: known as Canada's dating coach and the author of No
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: More Assholes. She encourages women to slow down, pay attention
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: to character, and follow one rule that might have us
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: fighting for our lives. No kissing before three months.
• 0:53
  Speaker 4: Can y'all do that? Big welcome to Chantal. Thank you
• 0:58
  Speaker 4: for pulling up to We Talk Back.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Hi. Thank you for having me.
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: Hey, girl. Hey.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Hey.
• 1:04
  Speaker 4: I'm so excited, y'all. So I started following you just
• 1:07
  Speaker 4: recently and messaged y'all.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I'm like, man, we got to get her on We
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: Talk Back because this is just right up We Talk
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: Back alley.
• 1:14
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: A lot of the clips I saw that you go
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: live a lot. Where are you usually recording the live
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: feed at? Is it like TikTok and stuff?
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: So I, yes. If people want to come and talk
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: to me, I record on TikTok and I have a
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: little side camera filming me from Instagram. But, you know,
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I'll have like 40, 80 people watching on Instagram, but
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: I'll have two, four, 500 people watching on TikTok.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: Oh, nice. And so I noticed like the trend usually
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: is just the men. They are so obsessed with body count.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: All of them, it seems like. So we're going to
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: get into all the things. So you have this book
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: called No More Assholes. You actually have a lot of
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: different digital products.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: I have 14 books. 14 books, three workbooks. And one
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: of the things that I teach, actually, I'm going to
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: catch you on something, is I teach the difference between
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: a guy and a man. A guy is a selfish
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: short-term thinker, and a man is a generous long-term thinker.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Men are not going to look at us and ask,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: what's your body count? Because men aren't looking at us
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: thinking about Richard. But a guy is going to go, oh, oh, you? No, no, no.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Tell me about this one. Tell me about... Who's in
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: your past? How many? Might want to know about positions
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: and sizing as well, because you might be particularly obsessed
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: with Richard. But men will not ask your body count.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: So I really want women to understand when you come
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: across a man, you will be very surprised because it
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: is a massive difference between a man and a guy.
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: So you were saying no more assholes before we got started.
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: And I was like, I never know the difference. Yeah.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: How am I to know?
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: Like, Because you can't, right? It's like, you know, when
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: you go to the crystal store, I'm going to show
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: you something. Most of the time, when we look at this,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: we don't know there's this inside. And so you don't
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: know what's inside until you crack it open. And that
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: takes some time. And that's what I teach. This is
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: why we do the corporate model of minimum three months.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: And that's why corporations do minimum three months before they
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: give you the medical and dental benefits because they know
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: it takes time and they know people lie, but not everybody.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: We just got to get rid of the liars and
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: save the money for the medical and dental insurance for
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: the people who aren't lying, who are going to do
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: a good job. And that's why it's no kissing, no sex,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: no sleepovers, no exclusivity for minimum three months. Why would
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I pick somebody to stand by my side who can't
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: even do a good job?
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: Period.
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: No kiss? All right, when I saw no kissing for
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: three months, I was like, well, maybe I can still fuck.
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: But you're saying no.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, so let me ask you this, all right?
• 4:05
  Speaker 4: Girl, you're still damn crazy.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: You can fuck this one all you want, all right?
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Here today, gone tomorrow. He just needs to be attractive
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: and safe. When you're looking to keep them, you need
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: them to be everything without complaint, don't you?
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: I would like that, but it just seems like sometimes
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: I feel like having a list of things that I
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: desire in a man can be too much. I feel
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: like my list is too much, and now I'm being
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: unrealistic in the desires I want in a single man.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I don't know if this is forward or backwards. Is
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: this forward or backwards?
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: It's forward.
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: No, I can see it.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: All right. So this list, is there anything you would
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: take off this list because you don't bring it yourself?
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: All reasonable. Let's read a few of them just in case.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Okay. Now, I'm going to ask this again. I want
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: you to remember this. I want you to notice so
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: you can answer it when I'm done reading it off.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Is there anything you would take off this list because
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: you yourself don't provide it? Honesty, respect, loyalty, trustworthy, patient, responsible, understanding, values, goals, kind, generous, fun, funny, compassionate, thoughtful,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: work ethic, empathetic, financially responsible, ambitious, conscientious, open-minded, impulse control, protective, communicative, attractive,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: and safe, what would you take off?
• 5:37
  Speaker 4: Nothing.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: None. Now, is it unreasonable to ask for a man,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: not to ask somebody, for you to ask, is it
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: unreasonable for me to ask you to pick somebody at
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: your level?
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: No.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: No. What is unreasonable is for you to pick somebody
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: And go, now that I picked you, you got to
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: rise to my level. We don't do that. That's a
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: waste of time. We don't pick people to change. We
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: pick the right person that doesn't need to change. And
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: your level is not too much.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: So you don't feel like you can, like, I see
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: this thing that is like, oh, the black woman effect, right?
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: And it'll be like, oh, I leveled him up. Like,
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: I took him from this and I made him this.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: You don't think that's a thing that you could do? Like,
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: meet a guy who maybe there's potential to be at
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: your level and you had to help him grow?
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Who's paying you? Who's paying you to be the teacher?
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: Who's paying you to be the trainer? Who's paying you
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: to be the therapist? Who's paying you to be the
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: veterinarian picking up that wounded bird flapping on the sidewalk
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: and you're going to feed it and tend to it
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: every three hours and lose sleep? Who's paying you for that?
• 6:42
  Speaker 4: You're right.
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: Nobody.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: Exactly. So stop providing free labor.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: So the other side of their pamphlet there was hookups, right?
• 6:53
  Speaker 4: Hookup.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: So I think a lot of women, right, so I
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: get the 30-day rule, and I feel like if you
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: want to have sex on the first night, do it.
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: I mean, excuse me, 90 days.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: If you want to have sex on the first night,
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: that's your business, but you can't expect it to be long-term, right?
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: So women get stuck on hooking up, and then you're
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: thinking it's supposed to mysteriously overnight turn into long-term.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: No, before you go out looking, you need to know
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: who you are and what you want. And when I
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: say what you want, I mean, do you want here
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: today gone tomorrow? Because you want to focus on business.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: You want to focus on work. You want to focus
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: on raising your kids. You want to focus on getting
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: your finances together. You want to focus on creating a
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: friend group that is solid and protective and loving and supportive.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: So maybe you'll hook up every now and then, but
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: it's once, twice, and then adios. Don't contact me again
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: because I wasn't looking for this. So I don't want
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: you to hanging around hoping to get convenient access to
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: my body and When you're not what I'm looking for. No,
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  Speaker 1: I didn't vet you. I didn't find out what you
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: were missing. I used you like a Kleenex. Adios, but
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: don't come crawling back. No, that's for long term. That's
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: for the man that brings everything I'm looking for. No less,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: no complaints, no training necessary.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: So you said no kissing, no sex. What else?
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: No kissing, no sex, no sleepovers, no exclusivity for a
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: minimum of three months means no more losers.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: So during that time, if I ain't doing none of that,
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: what are we doing? What are we doing?
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: You could be hooking up.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, no.
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: With somebody else.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: No, mama, no. No, no, no, no, no.
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: No.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Because if you're doing this, you're confused, okay?
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: You pick one or the other. Am I focused and
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: every now and then I'll have fun, have a good time?
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: Or am I looking for a long-term relationship because I
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: got time and space now? I'm looking for a long-term
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: relationship because I want to start a family. I'm looking
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: for a long-term relationship because it's a goal of mine
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: to have a romantic partner and share very specific certain
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: things with them. So now you shut this down because
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: we're not confusing this process by having somebody messing around
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: on our bodies and confusing our minds when we're looking
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: for the right person.
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: So let's come back into this, right?
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: Because what I do want to say, this is where
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: I want to go, but I do want to start
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: with who's Chantal, right? And how did you get into
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: being Canada's dating coach?
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: What experiences have you had?
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I was a stripper for 20 years. I was a
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: stripper for 20 years and I was six years old
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: when I told my mom I was going to be
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: a stripper. So I didn't have to medicate to do
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: the job. I didn't do any drugs. I didn't do
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: any alcohol. And if I did do drugs or alcohol,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: I didn't have such a good night because part of
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: my money-making machine was my ability to sit across from
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: them and go, and how did you feel about that?
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: I was psychoanalyzing myself. all day long for 20 years,
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: and they had no idea. I'm holding my glass of water,
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: and I got my little thing that I sit on,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: butt naked, high heels, makeup on, analyzing them. They got
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: four or five drinks in their body. I'm not a therapist.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: I'm not their wife. I'm not the coworkers they're trying
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: to fuck. I'm literally nobody to these people. So when
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I say, how do you feel about that? They tell
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: me the truth because what happens in a strip club
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: stays in a strip club. So I took that information.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: What's the difference between a selfish short-term figure, the kind
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: you can play with and a generous long-term figure, the
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: kind that's worth committing to. And by the way, they
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: do go to strip clubs because the ones that are
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: so hard working, they don't have the time for romantic
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: relationship because they're at work at eight o'clock in the
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: morning and And they're getting home at 1230 at night.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: And then on Saturday, they get to work at nine
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: o'clock in the morning and they get home at 10
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: o'clock at night. And then on Sunday, they're there by
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: 11 o'clock in the morning and they get home at
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: 11 o'clock at night again on Sunday. So for them,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: you know, that companionship of affection and communication, like a
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: little a couple hours of a girlfriend experience. A woman
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: isn't going to give that to them most of the time.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Usually women, when they want a romantic relationship, they want
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: to see you more than two hours a week. And so,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: and I mean like for life, right? Because I've been
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: 22 years with my husband and he still has those hours,
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: but he started seeing me in the strip club. And
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: for two years, he was coming to see me at
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: the strip club because he could buy himself that companionship
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: and then go back to work without being stressed out
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: about somebody who's saying, I want more of your time.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: So I got to know this incredible man who's actually
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: the template for No More Assholes, by the way, a
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: 12 out of 12. So we don't do 10s, by
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: the way, because we're women. You know, we go up.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: So listen, he showed me what an incredible human being
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: he is. And the fact that I met an incredible
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: man in a strip club cements that good men are
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: found in conversations. They're found when you don't occupy their
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: mouths with their kisses. And you see the consistency over
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: and over and over again.
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: But all right, I have a question for you. Because
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: you met him in a strip club, there was a
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: sexual element that existed before y'all started dating seriously. How
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: is it possible for me to not have that sexual
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: element at all and still get what you got?
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Are you saying that you don't think a man is
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: going to be a... Oh, how am I going to
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: pull a man in without being sexy? Is that what
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: you're saying?
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: Well, no.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: Maybe how am I going to not want sex?
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay. So, no, I don't deny that the more
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: amazing he is, the more likely you are to want
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: to jump on his body sooner rather than later. Let
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: me ask you this. When you write your list of
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: what you're looking for in a long-term relationship, did you
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: write the word patient? Mm-hmm. When you write your list,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: what you're looking for in a long-term relationship, did you
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: write the words impulse control?
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that was the one that stuck out to me
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: because I don't know if I have it. Like you said,
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: do you have all of these? Sometimes I don't have
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: impulse control. I let passion and desire get in front
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: of my control.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: Let me look into my crystal ball. Oh, she didn't
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: practice patience and impulse control and ended up with a
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: guy lacking impulse control and he cheated on her. Oh,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: what a coincidence. You got what you gave, right?
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. So the books are more about... Wait, I'm looking.
• 13:42
  Speaker 5: How many times has that happened already? Because I see your.
• 13:47
  Speaker 4: Whole life.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm trying to think about it.
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: A lot, a lot, you know?
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: So this is the pattern breaker right here, isn't it?
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: In order to get a different outcome, don't you have
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: to do a different behavior? And we isolated what you
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: need to do different. Okay.
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: I get that.
• 14:06
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: All right. So here's the thing. With your husband, there
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: was a sexual element there.
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: Right?
• 14:14
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: Before y'all dated.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: And I still followed the rules. No touching my boobs
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: or between my legs. And he never broke the rules.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: He showed me he respected me. He showed me he
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: listened to what I said and understood the words coming
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: out of my mouth. And he never broke the rules.
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: How much was he paying?
• 14:32
  Speaker 5: Oh, $ 280.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Every week, baby girl. He just gave me a check.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: He's like, let me know when it's done. And I
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: charged him $ 280 a week for, what, two and a
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: half hours of my time? On a Tuesday, Wednesday night,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: bring it.
• 14:50
  Speaker 5: On.
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: And when you say, all right, no exclusivity, right?
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: No exclusivity. Yeah. So you know what that gets rid of?
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: The controlling ones, the lazy ones, the ones who want
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: a participation trophy. You got to reject other people because
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: I showed up before them. Run the race and show
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: you who's the best competitor?
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: No, no.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: I want to sit on the sidelines and get my
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: participation trophy for showing up while you reject somebody who
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: might actually be everything you're looking for while that lazy
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: entitled guy demands your exclusivity before you have knowledge about
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: who he is. The only one uncomfortable with you not
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: giving exclusivity before understanding who he is is the one
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: who knows you're going to let him go.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: Hmm.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Because what's he afraid of when you say no exclusivity
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: until I know that you're the best selection? Who's afraid
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: of that? The one who's not the best selection, right? Yeah.
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: So should I be like dating multiple guys at the
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: same time with long term intention?
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: Yes. And every single time you go on a first date,
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: you tell them you're using this methodology. You use the
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: script that I give you and you gauge their reaction.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: And the ones who have a negative reaction, don't you
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: have your answer right there? I don't like that you
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: know what you want.
• 16:09
  Speaker 4: Does that sound familiar?
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: Because on this show, I say, tell a man what
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: you want up front, day one, first date. And if
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: he doesn't fuck with it, he's going to get lost.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: And if he does, it means a win-win for you
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: either way.
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: No, I agree.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: You know, so you just got to put, I feel
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: like women oftentimes put their demands on the table after sex.
• 16:27
  Speaker 4: He already got what he want. Oh, no, before.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: So you've heard the saying, let the best man win.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: That's this strategy right here. And the only person who
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: doesn't like that is the one who knows he's a
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: loser right out the gate.
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: So what advice do you have for a woman who's
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: in a relationship with a man, but she's already slept
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: with him? Should she just dump him at this point
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: and start over?
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: No, because we can, listen, we can still find out.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: So let me ask you this. How far in are you?
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: How long has it been?
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: Oh, no, not me, girl. I'm single.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: OK, well, it depends. Right. So so the answer is
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: it depends. So if you like, let's just say you're
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: hearing me now and you're like, oh, damn, we've been
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: on two dates already kissed. Then you can you can
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: tell them you say, hey, like, I have no regrets.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I'm using the no kissing for three months dating rule, though,
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: because I really you know, I'm really intent. I'm really
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: intent on a long term committed relationship. I'm really intent
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: on picking the right person. And I'm doing no kissing,
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: no sex, no sleepovers, no exclusivity, minimum three months. Here's
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: the date of our first date. Here's three months from that.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: And by the way, when you're dating multiple people, they
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: each have their own date. And it's no guarantee that
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: each of them are going to get to the three months.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: It's just, it's minimum. So if I see here that
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: you're a liar, you're gone. If I see here that
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: you're indifferent, you're gone. If I see here that you
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: lack communication skills, you're gone.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think we let people stick around far past
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: expiration date is the problem.
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, no more.
• 18:03
  Speaker 5: We are women now, not girls.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: We are women who look better.
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: So what piece of advice do you think you get
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: pushed back the most from women, actually?
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: From, it would be the, like, oh, like, I can't
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: even kiss. And here's the thing, like, We need to
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: understand that everything our body does is a chemical reaction.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: When you fart, that's a chemical reaction. Everything you do
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: is a chemical. So Kissing Crazy Chemical, that's an amphetamine, aphrodisiac,
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: and antidepressant. If I did this one night with one
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: person and got rid of them, never saw them again,
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: no harm, no foul, aphrodisiac, amphetamine, antidepressant was a good time.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: But if I kiss somebody before vetting with the intention
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: of starting a long-term relationship and I haven't figured out
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: what they're missing and we start kissing, I'm going to
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: start developing emotions because the repetition of the behavior, amphetamine, aphrodisiac,
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: antidepressant has me going, he's so good. No, he's not.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: It's a chemical reaction. I got high. It's an association.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: I felt good, but he's not good. I haven't figured
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: him out yet. So we do no kissing because we're
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: not going to fool ourselves. And also, remember how I
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: said we have a first date and I can let
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: him go here or here or here or here? Well,
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: if I've been kissing him, it's going to be so
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: much harder to let him go at any point because
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: it's a breakup now instead of just a simple adios
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: and a send off. I want to make everything easy.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: So I want to make it easy to get rid
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: of the losers by not kissing them before I've identified
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: it's a loser.
• 19:44
  Speaker 4: So what's the seven steps? And which one do women
• 19:47
  Speaker 4: usually skip?
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Probably kissing. meditation. So it starts with meditation because in
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: order to pick somebody who's going to be a functional partner,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: you need to be functional, right? And so a functional
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: person has a calm mind. They're not overly reactive. It's
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: very easy to stay grounded in the present. And that
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: starts with changing your brain structure. which is shrinking your amygdala,
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: which is the part of your brain that's fight or flight,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: and increasing your hippocampus, which is introspection and compassion, which
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: is your confidence. Because a calm, confident brain gets you
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: a calm, confident man. And a calm, confident man doesn't
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: make false accusations that you're wearing that to entice other
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: males because you're so poor, right?
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: You know, when we first started this podcast, we've been
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: doing this now six years. So May 2020, I'm excuse me,
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: January 2021, our show launched. I'm at the computer looking
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: at analytics. I'm engaged at the time. And my fiance,
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: he's like just so pissed, had.
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: Zero energy for me all day long.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: And you know, when we first started, we were trying
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: to figure out like, you know, how we wanted to present.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: And so our first episodes are really, really raunchy. Just
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: talking about the past for the most part, right? The
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: first thing this man said to me, That day, and
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: this is the first day our show launched, is are
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: you a hoe? And, you know, I had to think
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: about it for a long time, like actually a couple hours.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: I left the house and I went to get, you know,
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: to celebrate me.
• 21:18
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: To celebrate this new endeavor. And he kept calling my
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: fucking phone and I finally answered. And I said, you
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: know what? I've been thinking and I am a hoe.
• 21:28
  Speaker 4: I'm a hoe.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: Now, what are you going to do about it? Because
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: I got a ring on my, this hoe got a
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: ring on my finger. I sleep with you every night.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: What are you going to now do with that information?
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: Because are you leaving the hoe? What are we doing?
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: So I put the onus back on him to deal
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: with it because it is definitely a control manipulation tactic
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: for any man to be concerned about how many men
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: you've been with. And they use it in a way
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: to try and make you feel bad about yourself but
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: I am a firm believer that women we date people
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: period date based on self-esteem and when your self-esteem is
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: out the fucking window can't nobody tell you who you
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: are okay so no I'm not a hoe I might
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: have did some hoe shit.
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: But hoes get paid I'm not a slut.
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: What does what does intentional dating look like though like.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: It looks like no kissing, no sex, no sleepovers, no exclusivity, right?
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: It looks like you defining yourself first to know what
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: your level is so that you don't settle for somebody
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: who brings less to the table than you do because
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: it's unreasonable for you to reach below you And drag
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: somebody below you, hoping to bring him to your level
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: with your tears and your begging and you're asking for
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: therapy and the fights over and over again.
• 22:58
  Speaker 4: No.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: So it starts with you being on your own side.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to waste my time. I will not
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: be abused. The moment somebody shows me their dysfunction, I'm finished.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: Because I don't bring that. So why would I put
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: up with it for one second?
• 23:18
  Speaker 4: Absolutely.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: That makes sense.
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: On the last episode we just did last week, I mentioned, Tammy,
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: remember I was talking about a friend of mine who
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: just recently went to a wedding and this man and
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: woman were exchanging their vows. And she started questioning whether
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: or not she could write these same type of vows
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: for the person she's with. So something else I want
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: to talk about is love being boring. Sometimes I think
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: when their system is not like it's unregulated, like they just,
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: you know, you got this man, got your shit up
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: and down, up and down. But now you think it's love,
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: but really it's just an unregulated nervous system.
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: So is like real love boring?
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: It sure is. It sure is. So this is No
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: More Assholes helps you pick the person who loves you
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: more than dysfunction. But it doesn't mean you're not bringing
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: any dysfunction. It means when you pick that person, you
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: got a whole new level to adjust to. I've never
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: been in such a great relationship. I've never been treated
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: so well. I've never had somebody being so consistent with
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: their respect towards me. And now my baggage is coming out.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: My insecurities are coming out. And I'm causing problems. So
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: the next step is taking responsibility for your own baggage
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: and practicing being a new level of radical accountability for
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors so that now you're meeting
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: this functional person where they're at and bringing functionality and
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: having the boring relationship that has no fights and no arguments.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: So now your brain isn't preoccupied anymore with what am
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: I going to say and how am I going to
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: say and how am I going to not trigger him
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: and when can I bring this up and when will
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: be the right time? Notice how I can't think of
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: goals and plans. I can't think of making money in
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: my next podcast episode. I can't think of anything productive
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: because it's focused on a douchey relationship that I never
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: should have picked in the first place. Had I used
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: observation before selection or gotten out the first sign of dysfunction.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: But when I'm in a relationship that's working, I pick
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: the right person. I am the right person. Now I
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: have a superpower. Let me tell you, I've been with
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: my husband for 22 years. The first 10 we fought.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: Since 2015, I've been writing books. Because I haven't been
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: fighting with my husband anymore. I built an empire because
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: we don't fight and we don't argue.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: So did that start in therapy? What was the process
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: with that? And what were the fights before?
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: My insecurity because I asked him what his body count
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: was and he told me two.
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: So this started with you.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: 100% I take responsibility. Yes. And I obsessed over the two,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: which is part of the thing that I teach, which
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: is that when somebody asks you what your body count is,
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what you say. They're insecure. And that
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: was the big red flag. After he told me two,
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: you think that wouldn't trigger me? Of course it did.
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: I was insecure.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: I was insecure. I would sit beside him in the
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: car and I think about him kissing and having sex
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: with someone else and I get in a poopy mood
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: and he's sitting beside me and I just shifted into
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: a bad mood and he did nothing. He said nothing.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: And I had to unpack that dysfunction. I had to
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: learn to ground myself in the present and go, wait
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: a second, he's not thinking about them.
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: Why am I?
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: Who did I pick? Is he at his ex's house,
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: the mother of his children? Is he over there doing
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: anything wrong? No, I picked somebody loyal who came to
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: a buffet for two years and always picked one dish, me. So,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: you know, like that's, again, the beauty of observation before selection.
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: Now I can tell. Based on your rules, he should
• 27:00
  Speaker 3: have dumped you, ain't it?
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: And I say that. I say that. I say my
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: husband should have left me because I was causing suffering
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: in him because I was vomiting dysfunction. Mm hmm.
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: So two partners and you were tripping about that?
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: Yes, because I feel like most of the men I've
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: been with have no idea how many people they've slept with.
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: What does that say about me, I guess?
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: I don't know. Not saying I don't know, but like, like,
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: I don't want.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: To say my husband is a good boy. He was
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: raised Baptist, right? And so like at 14, he's like,
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I'm definitely going to have kids. Like he, it was just,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: and you know, and he's like, I'm going to have
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: sex with the person I'm in love with. And then
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: he got to 20 and he's like, I haven't fallen
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: in love yet. So I'm just going to get it
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: over with. And he had sex with somebody 10 times
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: and he's like, okay, done. And then he met his
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: first wife and then it was me. And he's, he's
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: just like that kind of a person. Like he's very
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: I know what I want. I know who I am.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: And he's also very mature. Like he's the one who
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: taught me body count doesn't matter. He said, when I
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: was in my teens, I was like, Ooh, body count. Yuck.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: But then I matured and I was like, everybody has
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: a past. So just be present. And you know, it
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter who they did. What matters is who they are.
• 28:22
  Speaker 4: So love is boring. So the boring man is usually
• 28:30
  Speaker 4: the good one.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Here's the thing though. Like, Because my husband and I
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: don't fight and I picked a good one, our relationship
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: isn't boring. Like, yes, we don't fight and we don't argue.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I love how he kisses me. He has the manual
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: to my body. He's the best lover I've ever had
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: in my entire life. And I have a high body count.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: I was a stripper for 20 years. So, of course,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: I had lots of opportunities. Anytime, anywhere. Sometimes it was
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: more than once. anyways so but like I don't even
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: know what my body count is I haven't taken the
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: time to quantify since my 20s and it was 20
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: in my 20s so and I'm 54 now and I
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: even added a couple.
• 29:10
  Speaker 4: Really you look you look good girl.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Period after my husband I committed because I wasn't done
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: with the girls yet so anyways but we don't have
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: a boring relationship because we come together as friends right I.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: Don't mean like boring like oh my god he's just
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: so boring he's just like no spice I mean just
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: like it's not constant like shit going on that's what
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: we be in love with I think we're in love.
• 29:39
  Speaker 4: With the highs, right?
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: Because you're looking for it to be good again because
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: you know how good it can be when it's bad.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: So it's like you're stuck in this loop. And that's
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: what you think... That makes you think you're in love
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: with the person you're with. I think back on the
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: serious relationships I've been in.
• 29:58
  Speaker 4: And I mean.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: I can't say that I just was madly in love
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: with these people. It was fucking with my mental health
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: is what was happening, honestly. And now I'm in a relationship.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: I have a boyfriend, and I am with someone who
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: is very calm. He's all those things on the list.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: And I'm going to tell you, sometimes I be feeling
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: like I am not good enough for him.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Exactly. And I love that feeling because it makes you
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: a better person. I remember... when my husband and I
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: first committed, this is like 2006, and we committed to
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: our relationship. And I asked myself, who do I need
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: to be to make sure I never lose this man?
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: And I identified the things I needed to do for
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: him to look at me with respect.
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: And was this after y'all had sex or before?
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: After.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: See, uh-uh.
• 30:54
  Speaker 4: But it was probably after the 90 days.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: I didn't have sex for two years.
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: You said y'all didn't have sex for two years?
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: Because he was my customer at the club and I
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: wasn't crossing the line.
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: But were y'all seeing each other outside of the club?
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 31:10
  Speaker 3: Y'all were dating.
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: He was taking me to dinners. He was picking up
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: flooring for me.
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: He integrated me. And so he first he met me
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: at the club and then he integrated into my life.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: And he was just this presence. And it's just the
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: consistency in the helpfulness and the intelligence and the confidence.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: And even 20 some years later, he's still the same person.
• 31:43
  Speaker 3: So should I be creating sexual fantasies? Even though I'm
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: having these 90 days? Because, I mean, when he came
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: to the club, you were creating sexual fantasy for him.
• 31:51
  Speaker 4: Oh, yeah.
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: So is that something that you suggest? Like, I create
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: these sexual fantasies in the 90 days, but just don't
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: give in to them?
• 31:59
  Speaker 4: Exactly.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: Listen, picture yourself. You're in a car. You're on a
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: road trip. You really got to pee, but the rest
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: stop is 20 minutes away, right? It's a temporary discomfort.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: to save yourself long-term inconvenience. If you peed instead of
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: waiting to get to the restroom, your pants and your
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: seat are going to be all wet and that's a
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: mess you got to deal with. And that's a bigger
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: mess than if you simply held it in for 20
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: minutes and then went to the bathroom when you got
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: to the rest stop. So yes, I have these desires.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: I want to kiss you. I want to touch you.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: You're occupying my mind in all these ways, but I'm
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: resisting the impulses. I'm controlling my own body. I'm not
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: talking about myself as though I have no control.
• 32:46
  Speaker 4: I want to kind of get in because, you know,
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: a lot of women think that they're perfect.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 32:52
  Speaker 4: In relationships, they a lot of them may not do. Oh, hey, baby.
• 32:59
  Speaker 4: A lot of women may not do.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: Like introspective work, even after relationships to see like how
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: they played a role. I want to talk about, you know,
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: rather not a woman's picker. could possibly be malfunctioning or broken.
• 33:12
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: Yes. Um, like, listen, this is why, like you asked
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: what the steps are, right? And the first one was
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: meditation to calm your mind, to give yourself more confidence.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: The second one is defining yourself because first of all,
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: if you're defining yourself like this, a loser is going
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: to get access to you because it's so easy when
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: your self-esteem is low. It's very, listen, these males that
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: treat us badly, um, don't have high self-esteem. So they
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: look for women who don't have high self-esteem because it's
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: easy to step on them to elevate themselves. So you
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: need to self-actualize. You need to understand how amazing you
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: are before proceeding so you don't end up with somebody's
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: subpar because you didn't understand who you are. So you
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: identify who you are and then from there, you know
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: who you're going to pick.
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: So how can women end up with the same type
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: of man, different people?
• 34:12
  Speaker 4: How does that happen?
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: Because they're not doing the work. They're going out there going,
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: I'll know it when I find it. And then they're
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: just letting themselves be selected instead of being the active selector.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: And so they're being selected by males who take advantage
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: of low self-esteem. They're being selected by males looking for
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: women who don't self-actualize. They're being selected by males looking
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: for women who are looking to be picked.
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: So should there be any compromise in a relationship?
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: So compromise is a word that I reject in my
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: business because compromise is win-lose, and it's often the women
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: who are told to lose. So I reject that. We
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: do not compromise. Us women, we negotiate. And I don't
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: negotiate my standards. So if you're not bringing what I bring,
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: I'm not picking somebody who brings less than me.
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: So what does negotiation look like?
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: Win-win. Win-win. Win-win.
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: Is cheating automatically relationship ending?
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: It ended the relationship the moment they cheated, even if
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: I found out six months later. I just found out
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: I've been single for six months, but I just found
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: out today. Because a relationship is a contract. When you
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: and I got into a relationship, we negotiated the contract.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: There was the respect clause. You're not going to disrespect me.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: There was the abuse clause. There was zero tolerance for abuse.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: There was the monogamy clause. We decided on a monogamous relationship.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: That means you don't go outside the relationship. If you did,
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: that means you broke a clause. When you break a clause,
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: the relationship is null and void. So maybe you cheated
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: six months ago. That means you null and voided the
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: relationship six months ago. I've been single for six months.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: I'm just finding out now though.
• 36:16
  Speaker 4: Let's talk about sex and compatibility. Yeah. I tend to
• 36:23
  Speaker 4: find that the good men.
• 36:27
  Speaker 4: Don't come with good dicks sometimes.
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: And sex is a big thing, like, for me.
• 36:36
  Speaker 5: Uh-oh.
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: It's a form of communication. Oh, I'm not talking about
• 36:40
  Speaker 4: my current relationship.
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: Okay, because she told us she has a good man.
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: I mean, but I've been, I've had, I can say
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: that in the past, I have passed up on good men, right?
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: Because everything else is great, but sex-wise, we don't, The
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: communication isn't there.
• 36:56
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so that's not a.
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: Good man, right? That's not a good man. A good man? Okay,
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: so characteristics, right? Characteristics of a good lover. Listening skills.
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: He listens to what you say. He has an open mind.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: When you tell him you want something, he's like, okay,
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: I can do that. He wants to understand what makes
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: your body happy. He respects your body. What do you
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: tell him he will do? Well, you tell him not
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: to do, he won't do. He applies work ethic and conscientiousness.
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: That means he ain't done until you're done. So if
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: it's a 20 minute downtown, if you know what I mean,
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: he's 20 minutes, 30 minutes downtown, if that's what it takes.
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: And conscientiousness means he's well oriented. So, you know, you
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: got the little other things going on at the same time.
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: You're like, oh, wow, where'd you learn all that?
• 37:46
  Speaker 3: Well, you can't listen to man dick bigger, though.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: No, that's true.
• 37:50
  Speaker 4: I can't teach you either shit.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: No, that's true. But I mean, I would say, you know,
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: most of what we tend to do isn't dick, right?
• 38:04
  Speaker 5: It's a part of it. But no, I don't know
• 38:08
  Speaker 5: about you guys, but my guy goes down on me.
• 38:10
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that too.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm not a lesbian, so you got to
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: be able to follow up with some dick. I love
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: some good head. I like a nice marathon. But you
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: got to follow up with some dick.
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: I got to say something that I say in the book,
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: which is part of the three months of talking to
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: the person and finding out what they're all about. One
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: of the questions is, what size is it? And if
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: he says, I don't know, because you're going to talk
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: about sex. You're going to talk about what you like
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: to do and how often you like to do it.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: What's your style? What are the things you try that
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: you want to keep doing? And what have you tried
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: that you don't want to do? And what are you
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: curious about that you haven't tried yet? And what's your size?
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: And if he says, I don't know, you say you
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: got homework. I need to know. I don't want surprises.
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: I do not want a surprise.
• 38:52
  Speaker 3: So when did you say that? Because you can't say,
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: I don't want to have sex, but let me see
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: your dick today. Oh, no.
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: First of all, when you tell them you don't want
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: to have sex for three months, there's going to be
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: some that will leave right away. And then the ones
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: that stay, you're going to find out who they are.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: You're going to get to know them. If they make
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: it past a month and a half, let's talk about
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: sex because I like you enough to see if I'm
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: going to, you know, like I like what I'm learning
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: about you. Let's get deeper. Let's get into more stuff.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: Let's see what else there is. And because you're doing
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: no exclusivity, you know, not wasting any time. It's not
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: like you're rejecting other people while on your way to
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: find out if this has a good enough dick.
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: If this has a good. That's another thing that's hilarious.
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: She be calling people it, this, they. It's like a
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: legion of demons or something.
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: Oh, we also call ourselves legion. I've had guys come
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: on my live stream and they go, how do you
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: say your name? How do you pronounce your name? I go, legion.
• 39:57
  Speaker 3: Period.
• 39:58
  Speaker 4: So you're legion?
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: Oh, all of us are legion, my love. Us, us
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: that are not picking losers anymore, we are legion.
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: Interesting. So, okay, 90 days have passed. You decide you
• 40:13
  Speaker 4: want to kiss and fuck this guy. Yeah.
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: How does someone tell whether they actually like the person
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: or just primarily enjoy the sex?
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: And what do you do after that?
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: If it's just, you just enjoy having sex with this person,
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: does he just go to hook up?
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: After 90 days?
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: I don't understand.
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: So we have sex after 90 days and I like,
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: I like, or I guess, wait, wait, wait, let me
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: back up.
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: You've done all the things.
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Like you're committing, you're committing, right? Like you get
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: to the... days and you're like you know what like
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: you are the one and and 90 days is minimum
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: right like maybe you like somebody but you still haven't
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: gathered enough of the data that you should be getting
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: some pieces haven't fallen into place yet they have yet
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: to come about so maybe you get to 90 days
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: and you're like I like you uh I don't have
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: enough information so it's still no kissing no sex no
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: sleepovers no exclusivity but you're still in the running it's
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: not like an automatic we're gonna we're gonna take it
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: from here as a committed romantic relationship This is a
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: minimum guideline to ensure your safety against accidentally getting into
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: the wrong relationship.
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: So then this shouldn't happen. Good sex with a man
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: that you don't like shouldn't happen after.
• 41:27
  Speaker 4: 90 days, because how are you still there?
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: If you don't like him, you would have gotten rid
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: of him already.
• 41:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 41:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah, got it.
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: Only the selection gets kissed.
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: But can you have sex early and still be, you know,
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: being with intention?
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: Listen, so don't you agree that there's a lot of
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: women making mistakes because they're confused, right? My methodology is
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: the removal of the confusion. And sex is the confusing thing,
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: which is why they're trying to get you to kiss
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: and have sex with them sooner rather than later, because
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: it confuses you into a relationship with an abuser.
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: So how do you like discuss sexual compatibility while delaying
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: like the physical intimacy?
• 42:15
  Speaker 4: Like how?
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: So conversations, right? And also like sexual compatibility, it comes
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: about with comfort. It comes about with a sense of
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: safety with the person. And, you know, like I'll feel
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: more sexual compatible with somebody when they start making me
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: laugh because I start feeling more attracted to them. Sexual
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: compatibility happens because they look at their hands and the
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: way that they're eating. And I'm like, oh, you got
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: so much class and I like how you do it.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: It's so sexy and I like the shape of your hands.
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: Like I can develop sexual compatibility just by looking at
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: the way that they walk. I'm like, ooh, look at
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: that confidence. That's so sexy. Like I'm starting to feel
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: sexy about them. The more they show up, the more
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: they talk, the more I laugh with them, the more
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: their mind is opening up and I'm seeing who they are,
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: the more I'm becoming attracted. And it's literally turning me
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: on about them. And then as things progress and there's
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: this energy and this chemistry that isn't dying. And in fact,
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: it's growing because they're so amazing and they see so
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: much amazingness in me. And that energy is growing between us.
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: And maybe there starts being little touches. Like maybe when
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: I walk behind him, I'll put my hand on his
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: back and I'll hold it there for a second. And
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: then maybe in the car, maybe we start holding hands
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: a little bit. And I feel how he touches me
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: and he seems to touch me in a way that
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: feels also right. Maybe when we hug, we start holding
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: each other extra longer and we're feeling that exchange and
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: that hug and that glow. And then I rub their
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: back and they rub my back a little bit and
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: it feels so good. So you get a sense of
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: touches and that's called affection. The more I like you,
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: the more affection I feel, the more affection I feel,
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: the more affection I show. And that's the actual genuine
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: path to sexual intimacy and a romantic relationship is starting
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: with affection and then going to sexuality.
• 44:07
  Speaker 4: It's a whole lot of shit.
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: It's so good. It's so good.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: We're both.
• 44:19
  Speaker 4: So you said you're 54. We're both over 40. Well,
• 44:22
  Speaker 4: I am.
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: Tam is trans age. So she like, I don't know,
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: somewhere between 29 and 35 or something like that.
• 44:28
  Speaker 3: Anyway. I agree.
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: How do you date slowly when you have like the clock?
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: Because I want a kid.
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: And I and I the man who I'm with now
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: met him last year. We started dating last July and
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: I probably started rushing his ass immediately because he is perfect.
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 44:47
  Speaker 4: I'm not engaged. We're not married. Nothing like that. But
• 44:50
  Speaker 4: like I want a kid.
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: Like, how do you how do you date at this
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: age and not be in a rush at the same time? I,
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: first of all, in today's day and age, I would
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: say prepare, like, just set yourself up mentally and financially
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: in every single way to parent that child alone.
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: And not make it in your head, even in your
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: head as a couple endeavor, because there's no, listen, he
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: could be perfect in everything and you have a kid
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: and then the next day he dies.
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: And, oh, yeah, he would have to die because he
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: would not leave me with a kid otherwise.
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: But I do... And that's what I'm saying is that,
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: you know, like first set yourself up for that. Like
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: I would be okay doing that because if you're not,
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: don't have a kid because it could happen. And that
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: is a possibility. And I hate to see you struggle
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: because you didn't accept that ahead of time and be
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: prepared for it ahead of time. So I would say
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: shift your mindset from I have to have a romantic
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: partner to have a kid to to I can have
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: a kid all by myself and if there's a romantic
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: partner that's a bonus but.
• 46:00
  Speaker 3: How I'm gonna get it if I ain't having sex.
• 46:03
  Speaker 4: We want to have sex more than the men.
• 46:08
  Speaker 3: That's what it sounds like no I'm just saying how
• 46:09
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna get the baby you know how I'm gonna
• 46:11
  Speaker 3: get the baby if I'm not having sex if I'm you.
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: Know fertility there's the sperm donors Oh, girl. I'm a practical,
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: logical person, right? And so even when people say to
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: me they want to have kids, I'm like, have you
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: asked yourself the five questions? Am I willing to sacrifice
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: $ 250, 000 that I'll have to make and never see? Am
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: I willing to sacrifice the time? Am I willing to
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: sacrifice dreams and goals because money and time were shorter
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: than they were without the kid? Can I not be
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: in certain name of abusive parental figure? For me, it
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: was my mom and and I got to control my
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: environment otherwise I do rage and then if through some
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: accident inside my body or out into the world that
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: kid is now forever in a wheelchair in a bed
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: wearing diapers being spoon fed by me a 14 year
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: old nonverbal wearing diapers boy that's violent towards me will
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: I take that on with grace and no one there
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: probably shouldn't do it that is scary it is scary
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: I was in my 30s Really?
• 47:19
  Speaker 4: You don't have any children?
• 47:20
  Speaker 3: No.
• 47:22
  Speaker 4: Wow. I mean, I don't think it's selfish ever.
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: I never thought it was selfish to not want to
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: be responsible for somebody else for the rest of your life.
• 47:30
  Speaker 4: It's a big thing. Yeah.
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: It takes a very courageous person to do that. And
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: I don't have that level of courage or patience.
• 47:41
  Speaker 4: Well, so what do you say to some women who
• 47:45
  Speaker 4: are like grieving? Like we're in our 40s, right?
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: And we're grieving All these years spent, not me personally,
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: but all these years spent in the wrong relationships and
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: then still out here trying to date.
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So it's a symptom of a lack of education,
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: which I'm trying to fix. Like even one of the
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: 14 books I wrote is dating 101. So that, you know,
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: I was an adult who said no more assholes because
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: I picked the wrong ones over and over again. But
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: we don't have to have our kids become one of those.
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: We can catch them early. And teach them what I
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: learned later in life so that they don't have that
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: frustration because they did pick the abusers and the cheaters.
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: So what we're grieving is the lack of education. And
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: the way that we can help ourselves through that is say,
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: I didn't know what I didn't know. And so I
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: did what I did because it's what I was told
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: to do. I was told to kiss on the first, second, third,
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: fourth date and then work backwards to figure out whether
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: or not I made a mistake. And I was told
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: fighting is normal, arguing is healthy, which is why I
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: stayed too long in the wrong relationships. because I was
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: told if we're fighting and arguing, I must be in
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: the right place.
• 48:54
  Speaker 3: It's kind of like a little bit of what we do.
• 48:56
  Speaker 3: We always try to share our stories so the young
• 49:00
  Speaker 3: listeners don't have to, they can live vicariously through us
• 49:03
  Speaker 3: so they don't have to make the same mistakes that
• 49:06
  Speaker 3: we've made.
• 49:07
  Speaker 4: But everybody wants to. Everybody got to experience it. Most
• 49:11
  Speaker 4: people want to experience a thing for themselves. They can't.
• 49:15
  Speaker 4: Listen to us and not make the dumb bitch shit mistakes.
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: I have a lot a lot of young women who
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: listen to me do.
• 49:25
  Speaker 3: You um do you think it's possible I know you're
• 49:29
  Speaker 3: gonna be like girl no I told you look at
• 49:30
  Speaker 3: this fucking list but just one more time do you
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: think it's possible to um like meet someone and have
• 49:38
  Speaker 3: chemistry instantly and fuck on the first night and fall
• 49:43
  Speaker 3: in love and be together forever? Is that possible?
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: My friend won $ 7 million in the lotto. Okay. My
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: friend did. So of course it's possible to buy a
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: lotto ticket. and win the big amount. People do it
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: all the time. That's why we still have lottos because
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: there's winners, right? But me, my love life, I already
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: did the lotto ticket methodology. I lost every single time.
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: So I'm done playing the lotto. I'm going to use
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: knowledge and insight and make an informed decision instead of
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: taking 20 bucks and 100 bucks and 200 bucks and
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: 500 bucks and gambling and And losing it every single time.
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: Now I'm going to take some time and I'm not
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: going to lose my mind anymore. I'm going to get
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: rid of the losers instead of losing my time, losing
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: my self-esteem, losing my soul to males that cheat on
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: me and are abusive.
• 50:38
  Speaker 3: Do you think a woman should, like, during this 90 days, like,
• 50:44
  Speaker 3: masturbate or something? Like, I'm just trying to figure out
• 50:46
  Speaker 3: how I'm supposed to get through it.
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: Well, listen, what would you do if there was.
• 50:51
  Speaker 4: You wouldn't win without having sex with a dude. You're
• 50:53
  Speaker 4: so damn crazy.
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: No, I'm not saying.
• 50:54
  Speaker 3: All right, but I'll just say this. After 40, something
• 50:59
  Speaker 3: just kind of went crazy. I'm not going to lie.
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: Like.
• 51:03
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 51:03
  Speaker 3: My 20s and 30s, okay. But then 40 was like,
• 51:06
  Speaker 3: who got the dick? Like, sometimes, you know? So.
• 51:11
  Speaker 3: I just, you know, so I was just trying to
• 51:12
  Speaker 3: find healthy ways to manage my sexual desires, especially when
• 51:18
  Speaker 3: I'm dating someone that I really like, you know, and
• 51:22
  Speaker 3: all the things in the list are there. And we
• 51:24
  Speaker 3: at day 64 and my coochie get to thumping crazy.
• 51:28
  Speaker 3: I'm supposed to, what am I supposed to do? You
• 51:30
  Speaker 3: know what I'm saying? So you suggest masturbation?
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 51:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Okay.
• 51:37
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 51:38
  Speaker 2: Pleasure yourself. OK, let's just get a few French tips.
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: So what what what is one question our listeners should
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: ask on their next date? First date was one of
• 51:50
  Speaker 2: the most important questions they need to ask.
• 51:54
  Speaker 4: They should be.
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: So I like to get women to position themselves in
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: a position of power and then go, what about you?
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: So I think a really important question for women to
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: ask so that they're not leading, but instead just opening
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: for information. Like you would say, you know, I'm really
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: intent on picking the right person for a long-term relationship.
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: I want to get married. I want to have kids.
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: This is my timeline. What about you?
• 52:21
  Speaker 3: Okay. That's fair.
• 52:27
  Speaker 4: Yeah. What's one behavior.
• 52:32
  Speaker 4: Women should stop excusing?
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: Pressuring for physicality. First of all, before a male puts
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: the pressure on you, tell him you're using a no
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: kissing for three months dating rule, no kissing, no sex,
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: no sleepovers, no exclusivity. That way you position yourself to
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: be respected by somebody who intends to respect you. And
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: the thing is, all these guys are told, move in
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: for the kiss, move in for the kiss, move in
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: for the kiss. So the man who intends to respect
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: you is going to move in for the kiss because
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: he thinks that's what you want him to do. So
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: when you tell him you have this boundary to make
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: sure you pick the person who meets your standards, the
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: man who respects you isn't going to move in. But
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: the guy who does not respect you is going to
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: try and he's going to try to encroach on you physically.
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: So we should never overlook that and get rid of
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: them at the first sign.
• 53:28
  Speaker 4: Period. Y'all hear that?
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: Um, and this last one is what, what's a sign
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: that a connection deserves a little bit more time?
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: Good enough. So my husband, when he came to see
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: me at the club, he's an average looking man. I mean,
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: I say that tongue in cheek because I'm in love
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: with him now. So that makes him the sexiest man
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: on earth. But, uh, when he was coming to the club,
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: he's just, he's nondescript, right? And there was no attraction
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: for him whatsoever. It's like, Oh, oh, you're good. You're
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: easy money. You're respectful. I never have a problem with you. Yay.
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: I like that you're coming. But the more he came,
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: you know, the more I got to know him because
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: he's coming for two, two and a half hours and
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: all this is coming out every single time. And I
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: fell in love with him because of his character, his personality.
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: And when the love goggles come on, like they, you know,
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: it's the sparkles. He's a fairy. So he's just the
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: most beautiful, stunning, incredible man. That little mole on his hand,
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: I can't stop looking at it. And we're 22 years
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: in our relationship and I still Google eye him. So
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: good enough, right? Like I don't need, I say to people,
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: when you meet somebody for a date, if they were
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: kind enough, chivalrous enough, generous enough, intelligent enough, see them again.
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: Good enough is good enough because maybe it will build
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: into connection that inferno. There was no spark in the beginning,
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: but the more I got to know you, the more
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: I saw what an incredible human being you are. And
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: now I can't take my eyes off of you.
• 55:06
  Speaker 2: So you think that, you think that's most women's position?
• 55:08
  Speaker 2: Like we, cause I, you hear that from women a lot.
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: Like I didn't love, I didn't, I wasn't in love
• 55:13
  Speaker 2: with him initially, but I fell in love with him eventually.
• 55:16
  Speaker 2: I think men are in love day one sometimes.
• 55:18
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 55:18
  Speaker 4: And then For the man that we're supposed to be with, right?
• 55:22
  Speaker 2: It takes us a little bit more time to fall
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: in love with them.
• 55:25
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: Yes, girl. Yes. Listen, listen. I'm not joking. My boobs
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: brought him in, okay?
• 55:32
  Speaker 5: But it was the personality that kept him around.
• 55:35
  Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. So we have a segment in our show. You good, Tammy?
• 55:42
  Speaker 4: Any more questions?
• 55:42
  Speaker 3: No, no. That's all.
• 55:43
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 55:43
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 55:44
  Speaker 4: So we have a segment in our show.
• 55:46
  Speaker 2: It's Simp Series or Dumb Bitch Stories.
• 55:49
  Speaker 4: And you're a woman.
• 55:50
  Speaker 2: So dumb bitch stories is a time that you got
• 55:54
  Speaker 2: played by. It doesn't have to be the opposite sex.
• 55:57
  Speaker 2: But in a relationship setting, we want to hear your
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: best dumb bitch story.
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: It's my no more assholes moment. That guy was he
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: was like I fell for him. And it was like
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: a quick whirlwind romance kind of thing. And I quickly
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: moved in with him. And it was like immediately his
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: attention was on somebody else. And he's like, no, it's
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: just a friend. And he always made new friends, but
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: it was always females. And then we broke up. And
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: he was moving to Colorado. And I had said to him,
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: because I was so weak, I was so weak-minded. I
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, I'll go with you to Colorado. He's like, no,
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: I don't want you. And I'm like, ugh. And so
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: he goes to Colorado, but he's still calling me. And
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: I start rock climbing with somebody else who was a boy.
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: And he goes, I was going to ask you to
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: come here and be with me. And that was the
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: moment where I went, that's not fair. Because I saw
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: he was manipulating me this entire time, keeping my attention
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: this entire time because a woman's attention was all he
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: wanted because he was just so insatiable with women's attention.
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: And he couldn't stand losing my attention. I was going
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: to ask you to come be with me. And I'm like, oh, man,
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: I got played for the last time on that one.
• 57:14
  Speaker 3: So as soon as you started rock climbing with somebody else,
• 57:17
  Speaker 3: that's when he was like.
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: And that was my first husband.
• 57:24
  Speaker 4: Wait, the stories about your first husband or rock climbing?
• 57:28
  Speaker 3: The rock climber was her first husband.
• 57:30
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Oh, okay.
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: I started rock climbing with after breaking up with the
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: guy who went to Colorado. Okay.
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: Well, Chantel, we thank you for coming on We Talk Back.
• 57:40
  Speaker 2: I want you to plug all your things. Let our
• 57:43
  Speaker 2: listeners know where they can find you at, all your content.
• 57:46
  Speaker 4: All your books, e-books, everything.
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: I make it so easy. If you go Canada's Dating Coach,
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: you will find, like just if you Google it, you'll
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: find all my books. You'll see on my Amazon, my YouTube, Instagram, TikTok. Oh,
• 58:04
  Speaker 1: I started OnlyFans, by the way. Just started. So we
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: just started putting up pictures and videos and stuff. So
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: anywhere you go, if you search Canada's dating coach, you're
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: going to find me.
• 58:16
  Speaker 4: Hold on. So you and your husband got OnlyFans? No,
• 58:18
  Speaker 4: just me. Oh, okay.
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: He sends some of the pictures, but he's, you know,
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: blurred out because he likes his privacy.
• 58:28
  Speaker 3: So wait, is it sexual content?
• 58:31
  Speaker 1: It's sexy, but there's no nudity.
• 58:34
  Speaker 3: Okay. Yeah.
• 58:37
  Speaker 4: Y'all check it out.
• 58:38
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 58:41
  Speaker 4: All right, y'all.
• 58:43
  Speaker 2: If you enjoyed this episode, y'all tune in every Thursday
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: on the iHeartRadio app or wherever the fuck you get
• 58:47
  Speaker 2: your podcast at. This is your co-host AJ Holiday 2.0
• 58:51
  Speaker 2: on Instagram.
• 58:53
  Speaker 4: Kick it, Tam.
• 58:54
  Speaker 3: Y'all, it's official Tam Bam on Instagram. Y'all follow me there.
• 58:56
  Speaker 3: Follow We Talk Back on Instagram. We love y'all so much.
• 58:59
  Speaker 3: We appreciate y'all for coming back again. Y'all remember, speak now.
• 59:07
  Speaker 4: And never hold them assholes.
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: Period.
• 59:10
  Speaker 3: No more assholes, y'all.
• 59:12
  Speaker 2: This is We Talk Back Podcast. It is a production
• 59:17
  Speaker 2: of iHeartRadio. Visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
• 59:21
  Speaker 2: you listen to your favorite shows.