Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Pretend to Care, Get That Raise/ The Work Survival Guide 🤣

Transcript

Pretend to Care, Get That Raise/ The Work Survival Guide 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, what's up San Diego?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: What's up, bro?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit, Asian girl.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, how are you?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hey.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: We made it.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the camera.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: We made it.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Asian people.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: What's up, bro?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I uh alright, man.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having a good year.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, so I'm having a good year.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: A couple good things happen to me.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: First good thing, I got a job.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, thank you.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's something I realized about me at work.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I don't know if you working people feel this.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Something I realized about me at work, I'm hella fake at my job.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm very fake at my job because I realize I'm the youngest person in the whole office.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else a lot older.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: They all got kids.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And all they talk about are their kids.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, who gives a fuck?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I would honestly rather talk about work.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, they keep showing me pictures of their kids.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, they look bad.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: They look terrible.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: They'll be like, first day of school, and it's him going, uh.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, ew, bro, what?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's your son?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: He looks bad.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I have to be nice.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, he looks just like you.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Wow! I can tell.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: He's got your teeth and everything.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: There's a new mom in my office, and she showed me a picture of her one month old baby.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this shit looked disgusting.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell are we doing?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's way too early to show someone that.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Wait a year at least.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: For the forehead to shrink or something.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Wait.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Wait for it.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It looked like mud.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I go, okay.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It was a video.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Help me.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I go, okay.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, it's so cute.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I think you're still pregnant.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is it okay?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I am faking my way through every conversation with these parents.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I have no idea what I'm saying sometimes.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, one guy comes up to me, he goes, dude, my son, he just turned seven.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: And literally out of my mouth, I go, seven?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's the age.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: That is the age.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: What does that even mean?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's the age.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then the crazy part, it worked.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, it a.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay, good.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's the A.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just skewing random.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't blink, you know.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be over like that.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be papa.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not that I don't like kids.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I like kids, it's fine, right?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't connect with the parents at all.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of parents at my job, they love to complain about their kids.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like every time they complain to me, I have to pretend like I'm not low-key on the kid's side.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: One mom, she grinded her son for smoking weed, and she was so mad.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I can't smoking weed.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: He took a girl on the roof, they started smoking weed, and to me, I was listening and I was like, bro, this kid seems hella chill.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: The roof?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of hard.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm listening, I'm like a joint, a girl, a roof.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like a magical night, you know.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you ruined it.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: So why you be such a bitch about this?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: You could take a hit, you know.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You ground him for having riz?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, boomer, you know.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: She's 38.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, boomer, what the hell?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't say any of that.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I had to be fake.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I go, the roof, what the fuck?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: What that's not even his roof, that's your roof, though.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Smoking a joint on your roof?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, well, actually, it was a blunt.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I go, he can roll blunt.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's up?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: That kid's hella chill.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: What's his Instagram?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna kick it with him.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I talk to a lot of parents.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta fail say for any time that you're caught in a conversation with a parent and you run out of stuff to say.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you can always buzz this phrase out.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: You want to revive the conversation.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Here you go.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: You go, well, with social media these days.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: God.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's all you need to say.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: You go, well, with social media these days.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: They start tweaking.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, with social media these days.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we're gonna need it.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, we're gonna need it.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, don't even get me started.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm getting you started.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Ring me.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, let's go.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, let's go.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, back in my day.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, back in my day.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: What happened back in your day, Stanley?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Story time, story time.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, back in my day we had to use encyclopedia.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Encyclopedia back in the day.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Encyclopedia?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: What's that?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you mean like Wikipedia?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't mean Wikipedia.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, Encyclopedia.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: We had a whole book in the phone.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: What about payphones?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, pay phones are crazy.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Payphones are crazy.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: We have quarters in our pockets back in the day.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Quarters in your pockets?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you just use Apple Pay?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: We never back in the day.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: We never quarters in our pocket back in the day.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: We actually had to talk to people face to face back in the day.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Face to face?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't get COVID?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh face to face like we're doing right now.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that looked good on camera.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Use that as the thumbnail.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, that's an interesting video.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, any uh make some noise.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Any parents here?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone's so scared now.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're a parent.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um what what's your kid's name?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Jariah.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Jariah.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: How old is Jariah?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: One and a half.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's the age.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: One and a half.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's right where you wanna.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: You see how that worked?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: You think we're friends now, you know?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just be careful with social media these days, you never know.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't blink.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I was having a bad week at work this week, and uh this lady, she brought her son into the office.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and he sucked.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: He comes into the office and he goes, hey, guess what?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can count you 100.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, we're busy.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: We'll take your word for it.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone else in the office, they love it though.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: They go, oh, you can?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well then show us.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, are you guys sure?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because I really think he's about to.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And they go, no, it's okay.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Show us.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, okay.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: One, two, three.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I start looking at how to get a vasectomy.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Four, five.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And hey, if I had to listen to the whole thing, so do you, okay?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Six, seven.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: This was 9:20 a.m.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Eight nine.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: He's not really gonna do the whole thing.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes, I am.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Ten, eleven.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you wear a condom, okay?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, make sure you vote for somebody, I don't know.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Vote for less kids if you can.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: The kid was white, if that matters, alright?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: 10 60.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter, but it does make sense.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: 10, 80.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Bring back bullying, okay?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: 19.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: The kid in the story, by the way, he's 26, okay?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then, dude, he gets stuck at 31.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: He go, 31?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, bro, what the fuck?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't even practice?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else, they start helping him.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: They go, come on, you got this.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: 31, 30.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, Oh, 32.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone starts clapping.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, this is why we're losing to China.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: We're applauding this.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: If this happened in China, they would take that kid and send him to America.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I know, because that's what happened to me.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I got to 64 though.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, where was I?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: 33 34.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's my time, guys.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much.