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How can I set boundaries with a loved one in addiction? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: In boundaries with somebody in addiction can feel incredibly difficult, particularly when you love them and you want to support them.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: It can be easy to feel that being supportive means being always available, stepping in when things go wrong, or changing your boundaries when you're worried about what might happen to them, but with the greatest intent in the world that is centering your anxiety in the situation.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: From a counselling perspective, healthy boundaries aren't about punishment or withdrawing support, but they're about creating consistency.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: A boundary is essentially a clear understanding of what you can and can't do.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: For example, you might decide that you won't give money to support substance misuse, that you won't cover up the consequences of their behaviour, or that you will leave a situation if they become emotionally reactive.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: The important part isn't stating the boundary, it's being able to maintain it consistently.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: For someone experiencing addiction, inconsistency can sometimes create an unpredictable environment.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: If a boundary is set one day, but change the next because of guilt, fear, or pressure, it can become difficult for everybody to know where they stand, and this can contribute to a cycle of crisis, rescue, and conflict.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency, therefore, can be one of the most stable forms of support that you may offer, however difficult that feels at the time.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean being rigid or uncaring, it's just setting boundaries that are realistic enough for you to maintain.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's no value in setting a boundary that you can't realistically sustain.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you repeatedly say, I won't do this no more, but find yourself unable to follow that through, it can leave both people feeling confused, frustrated, mistrustful, and that's when resentment builds as well.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So boundaries might mean saying, I love you and I'll support you in getting help, but I can't give you money, or if you've been drinking, I won't argue with you.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: We'll talk when you're sober.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: The boundary then becomes something you can consistently return to rather than something that changes according to the crisis.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important to remember that you didn't cause someone's addiction and you can't control their recovery.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your role isn't to manage their choices for them, which can be difficult, I know, because you are possibly seeing them not make the best or safest choices, but your role can be to decide how you'll respond, what you're able to offer in that moment, and what you need in order to remain well yourself.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, the most sustainable support is support that you can keep providing consistency consistently, sorry, looking after your own well being isn't selfish or a lack of care.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of creating a healthier and more sustainable way of supporting somebody that you love.