Latest / The Nadia Chapman Show / How Your Energy Shapes Your Skater: A Parent’s Guide to Helping (Not Hurting) their Skating

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How Your Energy Shapes Your Skater: A Parent’s Guide to Helping (Not Hurting) their Skating · The Nadia Chapman Show

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Music.
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Welcome back to the Naga Chapman Show for figure skaters, the figure skaters edition.
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However, today is not about figure skaters. It's about your parents.
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So if you are a figure skater or a figure skating coach, please share this podcast.
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This is going to be maybe hopefully life changing for some skating parents out
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there who need to be reminded of how much influence and impact they have on their child.
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And before we dive in today, I want to share something with you.
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Just in case you're wondering how much your presence matters, listen to this.
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Studies show that a child's perception of parental pressure is directly linked
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to higher levels of performance anxiety and lower enjoyment in the sport.
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In fact, 70% of young athletes who quit the sports that they're in say that
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they did so because it stopped being fun.
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And the number one reason it stopped being fun, drumrolls, they felt like they
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could never meet expectations, especially from home.
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So when I tell you that your energy matters, I'm not guessing.
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This is backed by research. Your presence, your tone, your words,
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your trust in them. It's the difference between a skater who can push through
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all the challenges and one who will quietly fade out.
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So today's episode is for you, parents, the early morning drivers,
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the snack packers, the ones scheduling lessons, doing financial planning.
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Spending time away from the house, and sometimes feeling guilty because there's
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other siblings at home that we feel like we're neglecting.
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Yes, you, the ones sitting in cold rinks. I see you.
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And this is for you. So whether you are new to figure skating or maybe you've
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been involved now for a few years, I want to have a real conversation today
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and not just give you a to-do list or, you know, say that, don't say that.
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No, but more a heartfelt reminder of how much power you have in shaping your
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skater's experience and how to use that power in a very positive way that actually
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support your skater in the long run. Because here's the truth.
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It's not the number of private lessons that you afford. It's not how competitive the program is.
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It's not even how talented your skater is at this moment in time.
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What matters most, it's how they're supported at home and how safe they feel
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when they fail and they get up and try again.
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What matters the most is how grounded their confidence is or isn't based on
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how you, parent, show up in their life.
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And listen I'm not here to guilt trip anyone not
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at all some of you are amazing some of you are terrible I've seen amazing skating
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parents I've seen some insane skating moms and I'm going to tell you something
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from my experience again as a coach a mom and a mindset coach for figure skaters
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the crazy parents out there their skaters never last.
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I'm going to leave it there. We've all had moments when our reactions came from
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a place of stress or fear. We are human.
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We are learning. That is normal. This sport is demanding.
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That's for sure. For everyone involved. So whether you're on the ice and for
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parents, it's very demanding as well. But if you're willing to reflect for a
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second and shift even a few things today with me, the impact can be huge.
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But most importantly, on their mindset, their self-talk, and their long-term
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relationship with skating. It affects everything.
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I've seen talented kids doing so good because they had emotionally steady support at home.
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And I've seen just as many skaters do really, really poorly,
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not because they didn't love the sports or not because they were not talented,
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but because they felt smothered, they felt judged, or like they could never
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line up to the expectations.
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The expectations of the parents.
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And very often, most of the time, the parents didn't even realize that's how it felt.
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So that's what this episode today is all about.
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If I could offer just one piece of advice, it would be this.
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Regulate yourself before trying to regulate your skater.
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Your emotional state set the tone for everything.
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So if you're anxious, if you're angry, over-invested, some of you are way over-invested,
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good God, or riding the highs and lows of their sessions harder than they are, it affects them.
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Even if you never say a word, they feel it, they absorb it.
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They're not just learning to skate, guys. They're learning how to manage pressure,
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how to talk to themselves when they fall, how to bounce back when they fail.
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And much of that comes from what's model at home. It comes from the top.
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When a parent reacts for every fall with panic and disappointment or over-analysis,
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it sends a clear message that your value is tied to how well you perform.
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Even if you don't mean to send that message, it lands that way in their head repeatedly.
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And over time, it builds internal pressure that no coach can undo.
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I like how I just threw over-analysis in there because that reminds me of another
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situation that I, I don't know if I should go there. the parents coaching from the wall.
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Parents that never skated a day in their lives coaching their kids by the wall.
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Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyhow, let's flip what I just said.
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Imagine what it does to a skater when they get off the ice and you're just steady,
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you're supportive, you're calm, and maybe you say something like,
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okay, tough day out there, you know, happens to all of us, I'm proud of you for sticking with it.
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That becomes their default under pressure.
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It's not about being endlessly positive, toxic positivity, or pretending that
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things went well when they didn't, because sometimes, you know, things don't go well.
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We all know that. It's about separating performance from identity.
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It's about reminding them without saying it, that they are more than just a
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skater, that your love, your pride, and your connection isn't tied to the scores.
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This also means trusting their coach.
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We're going to be talking about coaches here. Let the coach be the coach.
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And I know that it's not always easy, especially if you've skated yourself or
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you're heavily invested in their progress.
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But when you step in too much, question the coach's method or offer your own
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technical corrections, let's say, it creates confusion and it chips away at
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your skater's ability to focus.
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And that leads to them doubting their coach or themselves. So let the coach, be the coach.
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Let yourself be the safe space. And please don't coach from the wall.
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Don't coach from the car.
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Don't coach at home. That's where so many sessions unravel.
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The car ride home becomes a debrief and it becomes a breakdown or just pouring
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advices that your skater did not ask for. What they need is not feedback.
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They need to decompress. They need space. They need quiet. They need music. They need a snack.
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They need a sense of normalcy. And I'm going to tell you something.
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I have a really good relationship with my daughter.
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And even though I know figure skating, I never comment or correct anything. I am not Maeva's coach.
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I am Maeva's mom. And I think it's one of the reasons why we get along so well.
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So that works for us. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to say nothing
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And sometimes the best way to support your skater Is just being their parent That's right.
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So let's skating be theirs, not yours.
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And again, I'm saying this with love, but it needs to be said,
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your skater success is not your validation.
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A lot of you out there, you see their success as your success,
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or you live through your child's dream, like you wanted to be a competitive figure skater.
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Their performance isn't a reflection of your parenting.
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So you don't need to explain their mistakes to other parents,
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or you don't need to relive your old dreams through their program and their
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success or their losses.
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What they need most is a grounded adult who can hold the high and the lows,
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because there's a lot of lows, without making it mean something about them or about you.
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So if they fall, let it be okay. If they cry, let it be safe.
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If they want to quit for a day, let that be something that they can say without
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fear of disappointing you.
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When your skater feels safe and emotionally safe, they will take more risk.
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They recover faster, they stay longer in the sport, and they'll grow deeper.
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Isn't that the goal at the end? Because at the end of the day, skating ends.
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The medals will end up in a box, and the dresses, oh, those expensive outfits,
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they will be in a box as well.
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And the ice time will run out.
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But your relationship with your skater will stay forever.
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And how they felt in your presence during this beautiful chapter of their lives,
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that's what will echo within them.
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That's what they'll carry forever.
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So no, you don't have to be perfect. And sometimes we don't know what to say.
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We all get frustrated and we want them to succeed so much.
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But you don't have to be perfect all the time, but you do need to be present.
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You need to be grounded. You need to be trusting.
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You need to be calm and supportive and steady. Stop talking bad about other skaters.
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Stop freaking out if things don't go the right way. Just be a good example.
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That's the real gold medal in parenting. And that's what this next generation
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of skater needs. That's what we needed when I was a kid.
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Today, I want to give you something every skating parents should have in their
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back pocket, and I call it my 10 sacred things every skating parents should know.
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This list is for you parents from a place of experience and deep care.
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Let's walk through them together.
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The first one is regulate your emotions before responding to theirs.
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If you're nervous or you're frustrated and you're mad or disappointed,
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take that moment before reacting.
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Your skater co-regulates with you. They feel your energy more than they hear your words.
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Second one, praise progress and personal growth, not just perfection.
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You cannot seek perfection in figure skating. It's very hard.
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Performance comes and goes, but consistency, focus, grit, effort.
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And here's the thing, when you praise who they're becoming, not just what they're
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achieving, you help them develop internal motivation.
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That's what you want. You help them fall in love with the process and you give
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them the tools and you give them the confidence to keep going and to keep growing
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even when the results aren't perfect because they're never going to always be
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perfect. And that's what builds champion.
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Not the kids who are afraid to make mistakes, but the skaters who believe that
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they're worth something no matter how the day went, no matter how the competition goes.
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Number three, let skating be theirs, not yours. Again, this isn't your do-over.
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Don't project your dream or pressure onto their path, please.
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Support the skater in front of you, not the one you imagine they'll be.
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And ask yourself, am I pushing this for them or am I pushing this for me?
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And if it's for you, you need to pull back. you need to let it go.
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Number four, trust the coach and the process.
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When you question or over coach, it undermines the team dynamic and the skaters trust in themselves.
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So if you're unsure about something, schedule a check-in privately with the
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coach, not in front of your child or not in the car on the way home.
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Number five, never coach from the wall or in the car.
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Yes no don't do that it creates
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confusion it creates tension it creates anxiety
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they need one coach and it's
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not you they need a safe parent
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that's your job number six and that's important keep the post-practice energy
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light so let the drive home be about music and snacks and lighter conversations
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give their brain space to rest. They need that.
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Number seven, stop comparing them to other skaters.
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Oh my goodness gracious. Yes, the gossiping, the comparing, not good.
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Even subtle little comments, plant seeds of self-doubt in your child.
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Every skater blooms on their own timeline. We know that. Just like a toddler
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is gonna walk faster than another toddler.
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It doesn't mean that the other toddler is not gonna ever walk.
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Remember those days? So if you catch yourself wanting to say something like,
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Like, well, she landed that double axle. You didn't.
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Replace that with like, hey, you're making steady progress.
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That's what counts. You'll get there. You don't have your double axle yet,
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but keep working hard for it. You know, I believe in you.
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Stop just comparing them to other people.
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Number eight, normalize setbacks and off days.
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Because we need to normalize them because they will happen. bad practices and
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bad falls and plateaus where progress is not very obvious.
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This is the path of figure skating. It doesn't mean it's failure.
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It means it's normal. So normalize setbacks and off days.
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Number nine, be the calm when they're emotional. That is so important.
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When they're crying or there's a meltdown or they're spiraling,
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don't match their chaos. Be an anchor.
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Be a good person in a moment of chaos.
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It's going to change the way they react and the way they can process.
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Most importantly, how they will move on from being frustrated.
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Number 10, show them through your actions that their worth isn't tied to outcomes.
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If you only light up after a good jump or after a good performance,
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they'll learn that love is conditional.
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That's not good. That creates It's pressure, not pride. So make sure that your
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support is consistent, even, especially after a tough day.
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Before we wrap this up, I wanna say this. If you're listening to this episode,
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it already tells me something about you.
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That you care and you're showing up. You're willing to reflect. You're willing to grow.
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We all have to do that. We all have to grow. We all have to have an honest look
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at ourselves sometimes and ask ourselves hard questions.
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If you're here, it shows that you care and that you're willing to question yourself
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so your skater can thrive, not just as an athlete, but as a person.
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And that matters more than you know.
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Because in this sport, as we know, there's lots of noise. There's lots of pressure.
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Lots of comparisons, but your ability as a parent is to create a safe,
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steady, grounded environment for your skater.
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That's what set them up for success.
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That's what will make them love skating in the long run. Not just the podium, but for life.
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They will be so grateful for you and your positive energy and input into their skating journey.
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Thanks for being there. Thank you for listening and for being open to this hard conversation.
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And thank you for doing the hard, quiet work and being the parent behind the scene.
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I see you. I know you. And you are doing some.
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You are the one who pays, the one who schedules, the one who drives and cheers and holds space.
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You don't need to be perfect. You just need to be present because your skater
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doesn't need a performance manager.
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They need a safe space to land at the end of a long day. And that soft voice
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on their side when everything turns critical.
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You know what I'm talking about. A reminder that they are more than a routine and a medal.
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They're more than the podium. They're more than the mistakes.
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And you, just by being steady and loving and available, emotionally available, you become that.
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So as we close out today, I hope something in this episode stays with you.
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Whether it's a little insight, a ha-ha moment, a shift, maybe one question,
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or a deep breath that you take next time before reacting.
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That's where the real power is. and the small intentional changes that you make consistently.
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If you found this episode helpful, I'll be so grateful if you share it with
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another Skating Parents.
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Let's create a beautiful community of strong, positive parents in the skating
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world. Or you can leave a quick review so more parents can find this conversation and feel supported too.
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And if you want to go deeper into this kind of work, you can always visit thementaledgeacademy.com
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or connect with me on Instagram.
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I've got tools, programs, coaching offers for skaters and for parents because
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I believe that it takes a whole village. It's a whole system and that whole system matters.
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All right, that's it for now. You're doing better than you think and your skater
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is very lucky to have you.
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I'll see you next time right here on the show.
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Until then, keep showing up with love.