Latest / Carry On, Jeeves / Carry On, Jeeves

Transcript

Carry On, Jeeves · Carry On, Jeeves

• 0:00
  Jeeves takes charge now touching this business of all Jeeves my man, you know,
• 0:06
  how do we stand? Lots of people think I'm much too dependent on
• 0:11
  him. My aunt Agatha, in fact, has even gone so far as
• 0:14
  to call him my keeper. Well, what I say is, why not.
• 0:18
  The man's a genius. From the collar upward, he stands alone.
• 0:22
  I gave up trying to run my own affairs within a week of his coming
• 0:25
  to me. That was about half a dozen years ago, directly after the
• 0:30
  rather rummy business of Florence Cray, my uncle Willoughby's book, and Edwin the
• 0:35
  boy Scout. The thing really began when I got back to Easby, my
• 0:40
  uncle's place in Shropshire. I was spending a week or so there, as
• 0:45
  I generally did in the summer, and I had to break my visit to
• 0:49
  come back to London to get a new valet. I had found Meadows,
• 0:54
  the fellow I had taken to Easby with me sneaking my silk socks. A
• 0:59
  thing not broke of spirit could stick at any price. It transpiring moreover,
• 1:03
  that he had looted a lot of other things here and there about the place.
• 1:07
  I was reluctantly compelled to handle the misguided bliter the mitten and go to
• 1:12
  London to ask the Registry office to dig up another specimen for my approval.
• 1:18
  They sent me Jeeves. I shall always remember the morning he came. It
• 1:23
  so happened that the night before I had been present at a rather cheery little
• 1:29
  supper, and I was feeling pretty rocky. On top of this, I
• 1:33
  was trying to read a book Florence Cray had given me. She had been
• 1:37
  one of the house party at Easby, and two or three days before I
• 1:42
  left we had got engaged. I was due back at the end of the
• 1:46
  week, and I knew she would expect me to have finished the book by
• 1:49
  then. You see, she was particularly keen on boosting me up a bit
• 1:53
  nearer her own plain of intellect. She was a girl with a wonderful profile,
• 1:59
  but steep to the gills in serious purpose. I can't give you a
• 2:02
  better idea of the way things stood than by telling you that the book she'd
• 2:07
  given me to read was called The Types of Ethical Theory, and that when
• 2:13
  I opened it at random, I struck a page beginning. The postulate or
• 2:19
  common understanding involved in speech is certainly co extensive in the obligation it carries with
• 2:24
  the social organism of which language is the instrument, and the ends of which
• 2:30
  it is an effort to subserve. All perfectly true, no doubt, but
• 2:36
  not the sort of thing to spring on a lad with a morning head.
• 2:39
  I was doing my best to skim through this bright little volume when the bell
• 2:44
  rang. I called off the sofa and opened the door. A kind of
• 2:47
  darkish, sort of respectful Johnny stood without I was sent by the agency,
• 2:53
  sir, he said. I was given to understand that you required a valet.
• 3:00
  I have preferred an undertaker, but I told him to stagger in,
• 3:04
  and he floated noiselessly through the doorway like a healing zephyr. That impressed me
• 3:09
  from the start. Meadows had had flat feet and used to clump. This
• 3:15
  fellow didn't seem to have any feet at all. He just streamed in.
• 3:19
  He had a grave, sympathetic face, as if he too knew what it
• 3:23
  was to sup with the lads. Excuse me, sir, he said gently
• 3:30
  that he seemed to flicker and wasn't there any longer. I heard him moving
• 3:35
  about in the kitchen, and presently he came back with a glass on a
• 3:38
  tray if you would drink this, sir, he said, with a kind
• 3:44
  of bedside manner, rather like the royal doctor shooting the bracer into the sick
• 3:49
  prince. It is a little preparation of my own invention. It is the
• 3:53
  Worcester sauce that gives it its color. The raw egg makes it nutritious,
• 3:59
  the red pepper gives it its bite. Gentlemen have told me they have found
• 4:03
  it extremely invigorating. After a late evening, I would have clutched at anything
• 4:09
  that looked like her lifeline. That morning, I swallowed the stuff. For
• 4:14
  a moment, I felt as if somebody had touched off a bomb inside the
• 4:16
  old bean and was strolling down my throat with a lighted torch. And then
• 4:21
  everything seemed suddenly to get all right. The sun shone in through the window,
• 4:27
  birds twittered in the treetops, and generally speaking, hope dawned once more.
• 4:32
  You're engaged, I said, as soon as I could say anything,
• 4:38
  I perceived clearly that this cove was one of the world's workers, the sort
• 4:42
  no home should be without. Thank you, sir. My name is Jeeves.
• 4:47
  You can start in at once immediately, sir, because I'm due down
• 4:53
  at Easby in Shropshire the day after tomorrow. Very good, sir, he
• 4:58
  looked past me at the mante That is an excellent likeness of Lady Florence Cray.
• 5:03
  Sir. It is two years since I saw her. Ladyship, I
• 5:08
  was at one time in Lord Walpleston's employment. I tendered my resignation because I
• 5:14
  could not see eye to eye with his lordship in his desire to dine in
• 5:17
  dress trousers, a flannel shirt and a shooting coat. He couldn't tell me
• 5:24
  anything I didn't know about the old boy's eccentricity. This Lord Walplesten was Florence's
• 5:30
  father. He was the old buster who, a few years later, came
• 5:33
  down to breakfast one morning, lifted the first cover he saw, said eggs,
• 5:39
  eggs, eggs, damn all eggs in an overwrought sort of voice,
• 5:44
  and instantly legged it for France, never to return to the bosom of his
• 5:47
  family. This, mind you, being a bit of luck for the bosom
• 5:51
  of the family. For Old Worplesten had the worst temper in the county.
• 5:58
  I had known the family ever since I was a kid, and from boyhood
• 6:01
  up this old boy had put the fear of death into me time. The
• 6:08
  Great Healer could never remove from my memory the occasion when he found me,
• 6:13
  then a stripling of fifteen, smoking one of his special cigars in the stables.
• 6:17
  He got after me with a hunting crop, just at the moment when
• 6:20
  I was beginning to realize that what I wanted most on earth was solitude and
• 6:25
  repose, and chased me more than a mile across difficult country. If there
• 6:30
  was a flaw, so to speak, in the pure joy of being engaged
• 6:33
  to Florence, it was the fact that she rather took after her father,
• 6:38
  and one was never certain when she might erupt. She had a wonderful profile.
• 6:44
  Though, Lady Florence and I are engaged, Jeeves, I said,
• 6:48
  indeed, sir, you know, there was a kind of rummy something about
• 6:53
  his manner. Perfectly all right and all that, but not what you'd call
• 6:57
  chirpie. It somehow gave me the impression that he wasn't keen on Florence.
• 7:01
  Well, of course it wasn't by business. I supposed that while he had
• 7:05
  been valeting old Walpleston, she must have trodden on his toes in some way.
• 7:11
  Florence was a dear girl, and seen sideways most awfully good looking.
• 7:15
  But if she had a fault, it was a tendency to be a bit
• 7:18
  imperious with the domestic staff. At this point in the proceedings, there was
• 7:24
  another ring at the front door. Jeeves shimmered out and came back with a
• 7:28
  telegram. I opened it. It ran return immediately, extremely urgent, catch
• 7:33
  first train. Florence rum I said, sir, oh nothing. It shows
• 7:41
  how little I knew Jeeves in those days that I didn't go a bit deeper
• 7:45
  into the matter with him. Nowadays I would never dream of reading a Rumney
• 7:48
  communication without asking him what he thought of it. And this one was devilish
• 7:55
  odd. What I mean is Florence knew I was going back to easby the
• 7:59
  day after tomorrow anyway, so why the horry call. Something must have happened,
• 8:03
  of course, but I couldn't see what on earth it could be.
• 8:07
  Jeeves, I said, we shall be going down to easby this afternoon.
• 8:13
  Can you manage it? Certainly? Sir? You can get packing done and
• 8:18
  all that without any difficulties. Sir, which suit will you wear for the
• 8:22
  journey? This one? I had on a rather sprightly young check that morning
• 8:28
  to which I was a good deal attached. I fancied it, in fact
• 8:31
  more than a little. It was perhaps rather sudden until you got used to
• 8:35
  it, but nevertheless an extremely sound effort, which many lads at the club
• 8:41
  and elsewhere had admired unrestrainedly. Very good sir. Again, there was that
• 8:48
  kind of rummy something in his manner. It was the way he said it,
• 8:52
  don't you know? He didn't like the suit. I pulled myself together
• 8:56
  to assert myself. Something seemed to tell me that unless I was jolly careful
• 9:01
  and nipped this lad in the bud, he would be starting to boss me.
• 9:05
  He had the aspect of a distinctly resolute blighter. Well, I wasn't
• 9:11
  going to have any of that sort of thing. By jove, I'd seen
• 9:16
  so many cases of fellows who had become perfect slaves to their valets. I
• 9:20
  remember poor old Aubrey Fothergill telling me, with absolute tears in his eyes,
• 9:26
  poor Chap one night at the club, that he had been compelled to give
• 9:31
  up a favorite pair of brown shoes simply because Meek and his men disapproved of
• 9:37
  them. You have to keep these fellows in their place, don't you know?
• 9:39
  You have to work the good old iron hand in the velvet glove.
• 9:43
  Wheeze. If you give them a watch its name, they take a thing
• 9:48
  of me. Don't you like the suit? Jeeves? I said, coldly,
• 9:52
  Oh yes, sir, Well what don't you like about it? It
• 9:56
  is a very nice suit, sir? Well what's wrong with it? How
• 10:00
  with it? Dash it? If I might make the suggestion, sir,
• 10:03
  a simple brown or blue with a hint of some quiet twill or absolute rot,
• 10:11
  very good, sir, perfectly blithering, my dear man. As you
• 10:16
  say, sir, I felt as if I had stepped on the place where
• 10:20
  the last stare ought to have been, But wasn't I felt defiant, if
• 10:24
  you know what I mean, And there didn't seem anything to defy. All
• 10:30
  right? Then I said yes, sir, And then he went away to
• 10:33
  collect his kit, while I started in again on types of ethical theory and
• 10:39
  took a stab at a chapter headed Idiopsychological Ethics. Most of the way down
• 10:46
  in the train that afternoon, I was wondering what could be up at the
• 10:50
  other end. I simply couldn't see what could have happened easby wasn't one of
• 10:56
  those country houses you read about in the society novels where young girls allured on
• 11:01
  to play baccarat and then skinned to the bone of their jewelry and so on.
• 11:07
  The house party I had left had consisted entirely of law abiding birds like
• 11:11
  myself. Besides, my uncle wouldn't have let anything of that kind go on
• 11:16
  in his house. He was a rather stiff, precise sort of old boy
• 11:20
  who liked a quiet life. He was just finishing a history of the family
• 11:24
  or something, which he had been working on for the last year, and
• 11:28
  didn't stir much from the library. He was rather a good instance of what
• 11:33
  they say about it's being a good scheme for a fellow to sow his wild
• 11:37
  oats. I'd been told that in his youth Uncle Willoughby had been a bit
• 11:43
  of a rounder. You would never have thought it to look at him now.
• 11:48
  When I got to the house, Oakshot, the butler told me that
• 11:52
  Florence was in her room watching her maid pack. Apparently there was a dance
• 11:56
  on at a house about twenty miles away that night, and she was motoring
• 12:01
  over with some of these be lot and would be away some nights. Oakshot
• 12:07
  said. She had told him to tell her the moment I arrived. So
• 12:11
  I trickled into the smoking room and waited, and presently in she came.
• 12:16
  A glance showed me that she was perturbed and even peeved. Her eyes had
• 12:22
  a goggly look, and altogether she appeared considerably pepped. Darling, I said,
• 12:28
  and attempted the good old embrace, but she sidestepped like a bantam weight.
• 12:33
  Don't what's the matter. Everything's the matter, Bertie. You remember asking
• 12:39
  me when you left to make myself pleasant to your uncle. Yes, the
• 12:46
  idea being, of course, that, as at that time I was more
• 12:50
  or less dependent on Uncle Willoughby, I couldn't very well marry without his approval,
• 12:56
  And though I knew he wouldn't have any objection to Florence, having known
• 13:00
  her father since they were at Oxford together, I hadn't wanted to take any
• 13:05
  chances. So I had told her to make an effort to fascinate the old
• 13:09
  boy. You told me it would please him, particularly if I asked him
• 13:15
  to read me some of his history of the family. Wasn't he pleased?
• 13:20
  He was delighted. He finished writing the thing yesterday afternoon and read me nearly
• 13:24
  all of it last night. I have never had such a shock in my
• 13:28
  life. The book is an outrage. It is impossible, It is horrible,
• 13:35
  But dashould the family weren't so bad as all that? It is not
• 13:39
  a history of the family at all. Your uncle has written his reminiscences.
• 13:43
  He calls them recollections of a long life. I began to understand, as
• 13:50
  I say, uncle Willoughby had been somewhat on the tabasco side as a young
• 13:54
  man, and it began to look as if he might have turned out something
• 13:58
  pretty if he had started recollecting his long life. If half of what he
• 14:05
  has written is true, said Florence, your uncle's youth must have been perfectly
• 14:09
  appalling. The moment we began to read, he plunged straight into a most
• 14:16
  scandalous story of how he and my father were thrown out of a music hall
• 14:20
  in eighteen eighty seven. Why, I declined to tell you. Why it
• 14:26
  must have been something pretty bad. It took a lot to make them chuck
• 14:31
  people out of music halls in eighteen eighty seven. Your uncle specifically states that
• 14:35
  father had drunk a quart and a half of champagne before beginning the evening.
• 14:41
  She went on, the book is full of stories like that. There's a
• 14:46
  dreadful one about Lord Emsworth. Lord Emsworth, not the one we know,
• 14:52
  not the one at Blanding's a most respectable old Johnny, don't you know,
• 14:58
  doesn't do a thing now aday, but dig in the garden with a spud
• 15:03
  the very same. That is what makes the book so unspeakable. It is
• 15:07
  full of stories about people one knows who are the essence of propriety today,
• 15:13
  but who seem to have behaved when they were in London in the eighties in
• 15:16
  a manner that would not have been tolerated in the forecastle of a whaler.
• 15:22
  Your uncle seems to remember everything disgraceful that happened to anybody when he was in
• 15:28
  his early twenties. There is a story about Sir Stanley Gervais Gervais at Ruschaville
• 15:35
  Gardens, which is ghastly in its perfection of detail. It seems that Sir
• 15:39
  Stanley, but I can't tell you have dash No, Oh well, I
• 15:46
  shouldn't worry. No publisher will print the book if it's as bad as all
• 15:50
  that. On the contrary, your uncle told me that all negotiations are settled
• 15:54
  with Riggs and Ballinger, and he's sending off the manuscript tomorrow from me publication.
• 16:00
  They make a special thing of that sort of book. They published Lady
• 16:04
  Carnoby's Memories of eighty Interesting Years. I read them. Well, then,
• 16:11
  when I tell you that Lady Carnoby's memories are simply not to be compared with
• 16:17
  your uncle's recollections, you will understand my state of mind. And father appears
• 16:22
  in nearly every story in the book. I am horrified at the things he
• 16:26
  did when he was a young man. What's to be done? The manuscript
• 16:32
  must be intercepted before it reaches riggs and barringer and destroyed. I sat up.
• 16:37
  This sounded rather sporting. How are you going to do it? I
• 16:41
  enclined. How can I do it? Didn't I tell you? The parcel
• 16:47
  goes off tomorrow. I am going to the Mogatroids Dance to night and shall
• 16:52
  not be back till monday. You must do it. That is why I
• 16:55
  telegraphed to you what she gave me. A look. Do you mean to
• 17:00
  say you refuse to help me, Bertie? No, but I say it's
• 17:06
  quite simple. But even if I what I mean, is of course anything
• 17:11
  I can do. But if you know what I mean, you say you
• 17:15
  want to marry me, Bertie, Yes, of course, but still,
• 17:19
  for a moment she looked exactly like her old father. I will never marry
• 17:25
  you if those recollections are published. But Florence old thing, I mean it.
• 17:30
  You may look on it as a test, Bertie. If you have
• 17:33
  the resource and courage to carry this thing through, I will take it as
• 17:38
  evidence that you are not the vapid and shiftless person most people think you.
• 17:45
  If you fail, I shall know that your aunt Agatha was right when she
• 17:48
  called you a spineless invertebrate and advised me strongly not to marry you. It
• 17:55
  will be perfectly simple for you to intercept the manuscript, Bertie, It only
• 17:59
  requires a little resolution. But suppose Uncle Willoughby catches me at it, he'd
• 18:04
  cut me off with a bob if you care more for your uncle's money than
• 18:10
  for me. No, no, rather not very well. Then the parcel
• 18:15
  containing the manuscript will of course be placed on the hall table tomorrow for Oakshot
• 18:21
  to take to the village with the letters. All you have to do is
• 18:23
  take it away and destroy it. Then your uncle will think it has been
• 18:27
  lost in the post. It sounded thin to me, hasn't he got a
• 18:33
  copy of it. No, it has not been typed. He is sending
• 18:37
  the manuscript just as he wrote it. But he could write it over again,
• 18:41
  as if he would have the energy. But if you were going to
• 18:45
  do nothing but make absurd objections, Bertie, I was only pointing things out.
• 18:52
  Well, don't once and for all, will you do me this quite
• 18:56
  simple act of kindness. The way she put it gave me an eye.
• 19:00
  Why not get Edwin to do it? Keep it in the family kind of,
• 19:04
  don't you know? Besides it would be a boon to the kid.
• 19:08
  A jolly bright idea, it seemed to me. Edwin was her young brother
• 19:14
  who was spending his holidays at Easby. He was a ferret faced kid whom
• 19:18
  I had disliked since birth. As a matter of fact, talking of recollections
• 19:23
  and memories, it was young blighted Edwin who nine years before had led his
• 19:30
  father to where I was smoking his cigar and caused all the unpleasantness. He
• 19:36
  was fourteen now and had just joined the Boy Scouts. He was one of
• 19:41
  those thorough kids and took his responsibilities pretty seriously. He was always in a
• 19:47
  sort of fever because he was dropping behind schedule with his daily act of kindness.
• 19:52
  However hard he tried, he'd fall behind, and then you would find
• 19:56
  him prowling about the house, setting such a clip to try and catch up
• 20:00
  with himself. That easby was rapidly becoming a perfect hell for man and beast.
• 20:07
  The idea didn't seem to strike Florence. I shall do nothing of the
• 20:11
  kind, Bertie. I wonder you can't appreciate the compliment I am paying you,
• 20:15
  trusting you like this. Oh, I see that, all right,
• 20:19
  But what I mean is Edwin would do it so much better than I would.
• 20:23
  These boy scouts are up to all sorts of dodges. They spore,
• 20:29
  don't you know, and take cover and creep about and what not. Bertie,
• 20:33
  will you or will you not do this perfectly trivial thing for me?
• 20:38
  If not say so now? And let us aid this farce of pretending that
• 20:42
  you care a snap of the fingers for me, dear old soul, I
• 20:48
  love you devotedly, then will you or will you not? Oh? All
• 20:52
  right? I said, all right, all right, all right, And
• 20:56
  then I tottered forth to think it over. I met Jeeves in the passage
• 21:00
  just outside. I beg your pardon, sir. I was endeavoring to find
• 21:06
  you. What's the matter. I felt that I should tell you, sir,
• 21:11
  that somebody has been putting black polish on our brown walking shoes. What?
• 21:17
  Who? Why? I could not say, sir, Can anything be
• 21:22
  done with them? Nothing, sir, damn very good, sir. I've
• 21:27
  often wondered since then how these murderer fellows managed to keep in shape while they're
• 21:33
  contemplating their next effort. I had a much simpler sort of job on hand,
• 21:38
  and the thought of it rattled me to such an extent in the night
• 21:41
  watches that I was a perfect wreck. Next day, dark circles under the
• 21:47
  eyes, I give you my word. I had to call on Jeeves to
• 21:51
  Rarey round with one of those life savers of his. From breakfast on,
• 21:56
  I felt like a bag snatcher at a railway station. I had to hang
• 22:00
  about waiting for the parcel to be put on the whole table, and it
• 22:04
  wasn't put Uncle Willoughby was a fixture in the library, adding the finishing touches
• 22:11
  to the great work I supposed. And the more I thought the thing over,
• 22:15
  the less I liked it. The chances against my pulling it off seemed
• 22:18
  about three to two, and The thought of what would happen if I didn't
• 22:23
  gave me cold shivers down the spine. Uncle Willoughby was a pretty mild sort
• 22:29
  of old boy as a rule, but I've known him to cut up rough,
• 22:33
  and by Jove, he was scheduled to extend himself even if he caught
• 22:37
  me trying to get away with his life work. It wasn't till nearly four
• 22:42
  that he toddled out of the library with the parcel under his arm, put
• 22:45
  it on the table, and toddled off again. I was hiding a bit
• 22:49
  to the southeast at the moment, behind a suit of armor. I bounded
• 22:55
  out and legged it for the table. Then I ripped upstairs to hide the
• 22:57
  swag. I charged in like a mustang and nearly stopped my toe on Young
• 23:03
  blighted Edwin, the boy scout. He was standing at the chest of drawers.
• 23:07
  Confound him messing about with my ties. Hello, he said, what
• 23:14
  are you doing here? I'm tidying your room. It's my last Saturday's act
• 23:18
  of kindness. Last Saturdays. I'm five days behind. I was six till
• 23:25
  last night. But I polished your shoes? Was it you? Yes?
• 23:30
  Did you see them? I just have to think of it. I was
• 23:32
  in here looking around. Mister Berkeley had this room while you were away.
• 23:37
  He left this morning. I thought perhaps he might have left something in it
• 23:41
  that I could have sent on. I've often done act of kindness that way.
• 23:45
  You must be a comfort to one and all. It became more and
• 23:49
  more apparent to me that this infernile kid must somehow be turned out fsoon's or
• 23:56
  right speedily. I had hidden the parcel behind my back, and I didn't
• 24:00
  think he had seen it. But I wanted to get at that chest of
• 24:03
  drawers quick before anyone else came along. I shouldn't bother about tidying the room,
• 24:10
  I said, I like tidying it. It's not a bit of trouble,
• 24:14
  really, but it's quite tidy now, not so tidy as I shall
• 24:18
  make it. This was getting perfectly rotten. I didn't want to murder the
• 24:23
  kid, and yet there didn't seem any other way of shifting him. I
• 24:27
  pressed down the mental accelerator. The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an
• 24:33
  idea. There's something much kinder than that which you could do. I said,
• 24:38
  you see that box of cigars, take it down to the smoking room.
• 24:42
  And snip off the ends for me. That would save me no end
• 24:47
  of trouble. Stagger along, lady. He seemed a bit doubtful, but
• 24:52
  he staggered. I shoved the parcel into a drawer, locked it, trousered
• 24:56
  the key, and felt better. I might be a chump. I dash
• 25:00
  it. I could out general a mere kid with a face like a ferret.
• 25:03
  I went downstairs again. Just as I was passing the smoking room door,
• 25:07
  out covetted Edwin. It seemed to me that if he wanted to do
• 25:12
  a real act of kindness, he would commit suicide. I'm snipping them,
• 25:18
  he said, snip on, snip on. Do you like them snipped much?
• 25:22
  Or only a bit medium? All right, I'll be getting on then
• 25:27
  I should, and we parted. Fellows who know all about that sort of
• 25:33
  thing, detectives and so on, will tell you that the most difficult thing
• 25:37
  in the world is to get rid of the body. I remember as a
• 25:41
  kid having to learn by heart a poem about a bird by the name of
• 25:47
  Eugene Aram, who had the deuce of a job. In this respect.
• 25:51
  All I can recall of the actual poetry is the bit that goes tom tum
• 25:56
  tum, tum tom tum te tum. I slip him tum tum tum.
• 26:02
  But I recollect that the poor blighter spent much of his valuable time dumping the
• 26:07
  corpse into ponds and burying it and what not, only to have it pop
• 26:11
  out at him again. It was about an hour after I had shoved the
• 26:15
  parcel into the drawer when I realized that I had let myself in for just
• 26:21
  the same sort of thing. Florence had talked in an aery sort of way
• 26:26
  about destroying the manuscript, But when one came down to it, how the
• 26:30
  deuce can a chap destroy a great chunky mass of paper in somebody else's house
• 26:37
  in the middle of summer. I couldn't ask to have a fire in my
• 26:41
  bedroom with the thermometer in the eighties. And if I didn't burn the thing,
• 26:45
  how else could I get rid of it. Fellows on the battlefield eat
• 26:49
  dispatches to keep them from falling into the hands of the enemy, but it
• 26:53
  would have taken me a year to eat Uncle Willoughby's recollections. I'm bound to
• 26:59
  say the problem absolutely baffled me. The only thing seemed to be to leave
• 27:04
  the parcel in the drawer and hope for the best. I don't know whether
• 27:08
  you have ever experienced it, but it's a dashed, unpleasant thing, having
• 27:14
  a crime on one's conscience. Towards the end of the day, the mere
• 27:18
  sight of the draw began to depress me. I found myself getting all on
• 27:22
  edge. Once when Uncle Willoughby trickled silently into the smoking room when I was
• 27:27
  alone there and spoke to me. Before I knew he was there, I
• 27:32
  broke the record for the sitting high jump. I was wondering all the time
• 27:37
  when Uncle Willoughby would sit up and take notice. I didn't think he would
• 27:41
  have time to suspect that anything had gone wrong till Saturday morning, when he
• 27:47
  would be expecting, of course, to get the acknowledgment of the manuscript from
• 27:51
  the publishers. But early on Friday evening he came out of the library as
• 27:56
  I was passing and asked me to step in. He was looking considerably rattled.
• 28:03
  Bertie, he said he we spoke in a precise, sort of pompous
• 28:07
  kind of way. An exceedingly disturbing thing has happened, as you know.
• 28:12
  I dispatched the manuscript of my book to monsieurs Riggs and Boulenger, the publishers,
• 28:18
  yesterday afternoon. It should have reached them by the first post this morning.
• 28:23
  Why I should have been uneasy, I cannot say, but my mind
• 28:27
  was not altogether at rest respecting the safety of the parcel. I therefore telephoned
• 28:33
  to Monsieur's Riggs and Bouleinger a few moments back to make inquiries. To my
• 28:38
  consternation, they informed me that they were not yet in receipt of my manuscript
• 28:45
  very rum I recollect distinctly, placing it myself on the hall table in good
• 28:52
  time to be taken to the village. But here is a sinister thing.
• 28:56
  I have spoken to Oakshott, who took the rest of the letters to the
• 29:00
  post office, and he cannot recall seeing it there. He is indeed unswerving
• 29:07
  in his assertions that when he went to the hall to collect the letters there
• 29:11
  was no parcel among them. Sounds funny, Bertie. Shall I tell you
• 29:17
  what I suspect? What's that? The suspicion will, no doubt sound to
• 29:22
  you incredible, But it alone seems to fit the facts as we know them.
• 29:26
  I incline to the belief that the parcel has been stolen. Oh,
• 29:33
  I say, surely not. Wait hear me out. Though I have said
• 29:38
  nothing to you before or to anyone else concerning the matter. The fact remains
• 29:44
  that during the past few weeks a number of objects, some valuable others not,
• 29:48
  have disappeared in this house. The conclusion to which one is irresistibly impelled
• 29:56
  is that we have a klept a maniac in our midst it. He is
• 30:00
  a peculiarity of kleptomania. As you are no doubt aware that the subject is
• 30:06
  unable to differentiate between the intrinsic values of objects. He will purloin an old
• 30:11
  coat as readily as a diamond ring or a tobacco pipe, costing but a
• 30:15
  few shillings, with the same eagerness as a purse of gold. The fact
• 30:22
  that this manuscript of mine could be of no possible value to any outside person
• 30:27
  convinces me that. But Uncle, one moment that I know about all those
• 30:33
  things that were stolen. It was Meadows, my man, who pinched them.
• 30:37
  I caught him staffling my silk socks right in the act. By Jove,
• 30:42
  he was tremendously impressed. You amaze me, Bertie, Send for the
• 30:48
  man at once, and question him. But he isn't here, you see.
• 30:52
  Directly I found that he was a sock sneaker. I gave him the
• 30:56
  boot. That's why I went to London to get a new man. Then
• 31:02
  if the man Meadows is no longer in the house, it could not be
• 31:06
  he who purloined my manuscript. The whole thing is inexplicable. After which we
• 31:11
  brooded for a bit. Uncle Willoughby potted about the room registering baffledness, while
• 31:18
  I sat sucking at a cigarette, feeling rather like a chappy I'd once read
• 31:22
  about in a book who murdered another cove and hid the body under the dining
• 31:27
  room table, and then had to be the life and soul of a dinner
• 31:32
  party with it there all the time. My guilty secret oppressed me to such
• 31:37
  an extent that after a while I couldn't stick it any longer. I lit
• 31:42
  another cigarette and started for a stroll in the grounds by way of cooling off.
• 31:48
  It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer when you
• 31:52
  can hear a stale clear its throat a mile away. The sun was sinking
• 31:56
  over the hills, and the gnats were fooling about all over the place,
• 32:00
  and everything spelled rather topping, what with the falling dew and so on.
• 32:06
  And I was just beginning to feel a little soothed by the peace of it
• 32:08
  all, when suddenly I heard my name spoken. It's about Bertie. It
• 32:15
  was the loathsome voice of young blighted Edwin. For a moment I couldn't locate
• 32:20
  it. Then I realized that it came from the library. My stroll had
• 32:23
  taken me within a few yards of the open window. I had often wondered
• 32:29
  how those Johnnies in books did it. I mean the fellows with whom it
• 32:32
  was the work of a moment to do about a dozen things that ought to
• 32:37
  have taken them about ten minutes. But as a matter of fact, it
• 32:42
  was the work of a moment with me to chuck away my cigarette, swear
• 32:45
  a bit, leap about ten yards, dive into a bush that stood near
• 32:51
  the library window, and stand there with my ears flapping. I was as
• 32:55
  certain as I've ever been of anything that all sorts the rotten things were in
• 33:00
  the offing about Bertie. I heard Uncle Willoughby say about Bertie and your parcel.
• 33:07
  I heard you talking to him just now. I believe he's got it
• 33:12
  when I tell you that, just as I heard these frightful words, a
• 33:15
  fairly substantial beetle of sorts dropped from the bush down the back of my neck,
• 33:21
  and I couldn't even stir to squash the same. You will understand that
• 33:24
  I felt pretty rotten. Everything seemed against me. What do you mean,
• 33:30
  boy? I was discussing the disappearance of one manuscript with Bertie only a moment
• 33:35
  back, and he professed himself as perplexed by the mystery as myself. Well.
• 33:42
  I was in his room yesterday afternoon, doing him an act of kindness,
• 33:45
  and he came in with a parcel. I could see it, though
• 33:49
  he tried to keep it behind his back, and then he asked me to
• 33:52
  go to the smoking room and snip some cigars for him. And about two
• 33:55
  minutes afterwards he came down and he wasn't carrying any thing, so it must
• 34:00
  be in his room. I understand they deliberately teach these dashed boy scouts to
• 34:07
  cultivate their powers of observation and deduction and what not. Devilish, thoughtless and
• 34:13
  inconsiderate of them. I call it. Look at the trouble it causes.
• 34:16
  It sounds incredible, said Uncle Willoughby, thereby bucking me up a trifle.
• 34:22
  Shall I go and look in his room, asked young blighted Edwin. I'm
• 34:28
  sure the parcel's there, But what could be his motive for perpetrating this extraordinary
• 34:32
  theft? Perhaps he's a what you said just now, a kleptomaniac. Impossible.
• 34:39
  It might have been Bertie who took all those things from the very start,
• 34:45
  suggested the little brute. Hopefully he may be like Raffles. Raffles,
• 34:51
  he's a chap in a book who went about pinching things. I cannot believe
• 34:55
  that Bertie would go about pinching things. Well, i'm sure he's got the
• 35:00
  parcel. I'll tell you what you might do. You might say that mister
• 35:05
  Berkeley wired that he had left something here he had Bertie's room. You know,
• 35:10
  you might say you wanted to look for it. That would be possible.
• 35:15
  I I didn't wait to hear any more. Things were getting too hot.
• 35:21
  I sneaked softly out of my bush and raced for the front door.
• 35:23
  I sprinted up to my room and made for the drawer where I had put
• 35:28
  the parcel. And then I found I hadn't the key. It wasn't for
• 35:32
  the deuce of a time that I recollected I had shifted it to my evening
• 35:37
  trousers the night before, and must have forgotten to take it out again where
• 35:42
  the dickens were my evening things. I had looked all over the place before
• 35:46
  I remembered the jeeves. Must have taken them away to brush to leap at
• 35:52
  the bell and ring it was with me the work of a moment. I
• 35:55
  had just rung it when there was a footstep outside and in Uncle Willoughby,
• 36:01
  Oh Bertie, he said, without a blush, I have received a telegram
• 36:07
  from Berkeley, who occupied this room in your absence, asking me to forward
• 36:12
  him his cigarette case, which it would appear he inadvertently omitted to take with
• 36:19
  him when he left the house. I cannot find it downstairs, and it
• 36:22
  has therefore occurred to me that he may have left it in this room.
• 36:28
  I will just take a look around. It was one of the most disgusting
• 36:34
  spectacles I've ever seen, this white haired old man, who should have been
• 36:37
  thinking of the hereafter, standing there lying like an actor. I haven't seen
• 36:44
  it anywhere, I said, nevertheless, I will search. I must spare
• 36:50
  no effort. I should have seen it if it had been here. What
• 36:54
  it may have escaped your notice? It is possibly in one of the drawers.
• 37:00
  He began to nose around. He pulled out a drawer after draw pottering
• 37:05
  round like an old bloodhound and babbling from time to time about Berkeley and his
• 37:10
  cigarette case in a way that struck me as perfectly ghastly. I just stood
• 37:15
  there, losing weight every moment. Then he came to the drawer where the
• 37:20
  parcel was. This appears to be locked, he said, rattling the handle.
• 37:25
  Yes, I shouldn't bother about that one. It it's er locked and
• 37:31
  all that sort of thing. You have not the key, A soft,
• 37:36
  respectful voice spoke behind me. I fancy, sir, that this must be
• 37:42
  the key you require. It was in the pocket of your evening trousers.
• 37:46
  It was Jeeves. He had shimmered in carrying my evening things and was standing
• 37:52
  there holding out the key. I could have massacred the man, thank you,
• 37:58
  said my uncle. Not at all, sir. The next moment,
• 38:01
  Uncle Willoughby had opened the drawer. I shut my eyes, no, said
• 38:07
  Uncle Willoughby, there is nothing here. The drawer is empty. Thank you.
• 38:10
  Bertie I hope I have not disturbed you. I fancy Berkeley must have
• 38:16
  taken his case with him, after all. When he had gone, I
• 38:21
  shut the door carefully. Then I turned to Jeeves. The man was putting
• 38:25
  my evening things out on a chair. Er Jeeves, sir, oh,
• 38:30
  nothing, It was deuced difficult to know how to begin, Jeeves, Sir,
• 38:38
  did you was there? Have you? By chance? I removed the
• 38:43
  parcel this morning? Sir? Oh? Ah, why I considered it more
• 38:49
  prudent, sir? I mused for a while. Of course, I suppose
• 38:53
  all this seems torribly rummy to you, Jeeves, not at all, sir.
• 39:00
  I chanced to overhear you and Lady Florence speaking of the matter the other
• 39:04
  evening, Sir, did you by jove? Yes, sir, well Er
• 39:09
  Jeeves, I think that on the whole, if you were to, as
• 39:14
  it were, freeze onto that parcel until we get back to London exactly,
• 39:20
  sir, and then we might, er so to speak, chuck it away
• 39:23
  somewhere what precisely, sir. I'll leave it in your hands entirely, sir.
• 39:30
  You know, Jeeves, you're, by way of being rather a topper.
• 39:35
  I endeavored to give satisfaction, sir, one in a million, By
• 39:39
  jove, it is very kind of you to say so, sir. Well
• 39:45
  that's about all, then, I think, very good, sir. Florence
• 39:50
  came back on Monday. I didn't see her till we were all having tea
• 39:53
  in the hall. It was till the crowd had cleared away a bit that
• 39:58
  we got a chance of having a word to get well, Bertie. She
• 40:01
  said, that's all right, you have destroyed the manuscript, not exactly,
• 40:07
  but what do you mean? I mean, I haven't absolutely, Bertie.
• 40:13
  Your manner is furtive. It's all right, it's this way. And I
• 40:17
  was just going to explain how things stood when out of the library came leaping
• 40:22
  Uncle Willoughby, looking as braced as a two year old. The old boy
• 40:28
  was a changed man, a most remarkable thing, Bertie. I have just
• 40:32
  been speaking with mister Riggs on the telephone and he tells me he received my
• 40:37
  manuscript by the first post this morning. I cannot imagine what can have caused
• 40:44
  the delay. Our postal facilities are extremely inadequate in the rural districts. I
• 40:50
  shall write to headquarters about it. It is insufferable, if valuable parcels are
• 40:54
  to be delayed in this fashion. I happened to be looking at Florence's profile
• 41:00
  at the moment, and at this juncture she swung round and gave me a
• 41:05
  look that went right through me like a knife. Uncle Willoughby meandered back to
• 41:09
  the library, and there was a silence that you could have dug bits out
• 41:14
  of with a spoon. I can't understand it, I said at last.
• 41:19
  I can't understand it. By jove, I can. I can understand it
• 41:23
  perfectly, Bertie. Your heart failed you. Rather than risk offending your uncle.
• 41:29
  You no, no, absolutely, you preferred to lose me rather than
• 41:34
  risk losing the money. Perhaps you did not think I meant what I said.
• 41:38
  I meant every word. Our engagement is ended. But I say not
• 41:45
  another word, but Florence's old thing. I do not wish to hear any
• 41:51
  more. I see now that your aunt Agatha was perfectly right. I consider
• 41:55
  that I have had a very lucky escape. There was a time when I
• 42:00
  thought that, with patience, you might be molded into something worthwhile. I
• 42:05
  see now that you are impossible. And she popped off, leaving me to
• 42:09
  pick up the pieces. When I had collected the debris to some extent.
• 42:15
  I went to my room and rang for Jeeves. He came in looking as
• 42:19
  if nothing had happened or was ever going to happen. He was the calmest
• 42:22
  thing in captivity Jeeves. I yelled, Jeeves, that parcel has arrived in
• 42:29
  London. Yes, sir, did you send it? Yes, Sir.
• 42:34
  I acted for the best, Sir. I think that both you and Lady
• 42:37
  Florence overestimated the danger of people being offended at being mentioned in Sir Willoughby's recollections.
• 42:45
  It has been my experience, Sir, that the normal person enjoys seeing
• 42:51
  his or her name in print, irrespective of what is said about them.
• 42:55
  I have an aunt, Sir, who a few years ago was a martyr
• 42:59
  to say, swollen limbs. She tried walking shows supreme ointment and obtained considerable
• 43:06
  relief, so much so that she sent them an unsolicited testimonial. Her pride
• 43:12
  at seeing her photograph in the daily papers, in connection with descriptions of her
• 43:16
  lower limbs before taking, which were nothing less than revolting, was so intense
• 43:22
  that it led me to believe that publicity of whatever sort is what nearly everybody
• 43:28
  desires. Moreover, if you have ever studied psychology, Sir, you will
• 43:32
  know that respectable old gentlemen are by no means averse to having it advertised that
• 43:38
  they were extremely wild in their youth. I have an uncle. I cursed
• 43:44
  his aunts and his uncles and him and all the rest of the family.
• 43:49
  Do you know that Lady Florence has broken off her engagement with me? Indeed,
• 43:52
  Sir, not a bit of sympathy. I might have been tullinggan.
• 43:57
  It was a fine day. Zacked very good, sir, he coughed gently.
• 44:04
  As I am no longer in your employment, Sir, I can speak
• 44:07
  freely without appearing to take a liberty. In my opinion, you and Lady
• 44:12
  Florence were quite unsuitably matched. Her ladyship is of a highly determined and arbitrary
• 44:19
  temperament, quite opposed to your own. I was in Lord Wolblesdon's service for
• 44:23
  nearly a year, during which time I had ample opportunities of studying her ladyship.
• 44:30
  The opinion of the servants hall was far from favorable to her. Her
• 44:35
  Ladyship's temper caused a good deal of adverse comment among us. It was at
• 44:39
  times quite impossible you would not have been happy sir, get out, I
• 44:45
  think you would also have found her educational methods a little trying. Sir.
• 44:51
  I have glanced at the book her ladyship gave you. It has been lying
• 44:54
  on your tables since our arrival, and it is, in my opinion,
• 44:59
  quite unsuita. You would not have enjoyed it. And I have it from
• 45:04
  her ladyship's own maid, who happened to overhear a conversation between her Ladyship and
• 45:09
  one of the gentlemen staying here, mister Maxwell, who is employed in an
• 45:15
  editorial capacity by one of the reviews, that it was her intention to start
• 45:21
  you almost immediately upon Nietzsche. You would not enjoy Niatschure, sir. He
• 45:28
  is fundamentally unsound. Get out, very good, sir. It's ronny how
• 45:35
  sleeping on a thing often makes you feel quite different about it. It's happened
• 45:39
  to me over and over again, somehow or other. When I woke next
• 45:44
  morning, the old heart didn't feel half so broken as it had done.
• 45:49
  It was a perfectly topping day, and there was something about the way the
• 45:52
  sun came in at the window and the row the birds were kicking up in
• 45:57
  the ivy that made me half wonder whether Jeeves wasn't right, after all,
• 46:02
  though she had a wonderful profile. Was it such a catch being engaged to
• 46:07
  Florence Cray, as the casual observer might imagine. Wasn't there something in what
• 46:14
  Jeeves had said about her character? I began to realize that my ideal wife
• 46:20
  was something quite different, something a lot more clinging and drooping and prattling and
• 46:25
  what not. I had got as far as this in thinking the thing out.
• 46:30
  When that types of ethical theory caught my eye, I opened it,
• 46:35
  and I give you my honest word. This was what hit me. Of
• 46:39
  the two antithetic terms in the Greek philosophy, one only was real and self
• 46:45
  subsisting, and that one was ideal thought as opposed to that which it has
• 46:52
  to penetrate and mold. The other, corresponding to our nature, was in
• 46:57
  itself phenomenal, unreal, without any permanent footing, having no predicates, that
• 47:04
  held true for two moments together. In short, redeemed from negation only by
• 47:08
  including indwelling realities appearing through well, I mean to say, what and nature,
• 47:16
  from all accounts a lot worse than that Jeeves I said when he came
• 47:22
  in with my morning tea. I've been thinking it over. You're engaged again,
• 47:28
  Thank you, sir. I sucked down a cheerful mouthful. A great
• 47:32
  respect for this blog's judgment began to soak through me. Oh, Jeeves,
• 47:37
  I said about that check suit, Yes, sir, is it really a
• 47:43
  frost A trifle too bizarre, Sir, in my opinion, but lots of
• 47:47
  fellows have asked me who my tailor is. Doubtless in order to avoid him,
• 47:52
  Sir, He's supposed to be one of the best men in London.
• 47:58
  I am saying nothing against his moral character, Sir. I hesitated a bit.
• 48:04
  I had a feeling that I was passing into this chappie's clutches, and
• 48:07
  that if I gave in now, I should become just like poor old aubrief
• 48:13
  Fothergil, unable to call my soul my own. On the other hand,
• 48:17
  this was obviously a cove of rare intelligence, and it would be a comfort
• 48:22
  in a lot of ways to have him doing the thinking for me. I
• 48:27
  made up my mind all right, Jeeves, I said, you know,
• 48:31
  give the bally thing away to somebody. He looked down at me like a
• 48:36
  father gazing tenderly at the wayward child. Thank you, sir. I gave
• 48:40
  it to the undergardener last night. A little more tea, sir. The
• 48:46
  artistic career of Corky. You will notice as you flipped through these reminiscences of
• 48:55
  mine, that from time to time the scene about action is laid in and
• 49:00
  around the city of New York. And it is just possible that this may
• 49:06
  occasion the puzzled look and the start of surprise. What it is possible,
• 49:12
  you may ask yourself, is Bertram doing so far from his beloved native land.
• 49:19
  Well, it's a fairly longish story, but reefing it down a bit
• 49:24
  and turning it for the nonsen into a two reeler. What happened was that
• 49:30
  my aunt Agatha, on one occasion, set me over to America to try
• 49:35
  to stop young Gussie, my cousin, marrying a girl on the vaudeville stage.
• 49:40
  And I got the whole thing so mixed up that I decided it would
• 49:45
  be a sound strategy to stop on in New York for a bit instead of
• 49:49
  going back and having long cozy chats with her about the affair. So I
• 49:54
  sent Jeeves out to find a decent flat and settle down for a spell of
• 49:59
  exile. Well, I'm bound to say New York's a most brightly place to
• 50:05
  be exiled in. Everybody was awfully good to me, and there seemed to
• 50:09
  be plenty of things going on, so take it for all and all.
• 50:15
  I didn't undergo any frightful hardships. Blokes introduced me to other blokes, and
• 50:20
  so on and so forth, and it wasn't long before I knew squads of
• 50:24
  the right sword, some who rolled in the stuff and houses up by the
• 50:29
  park, and others who lived with the gas turned down mostly around Washington Square,
• 50:35
  ardists and riders and so forth. Brainy Coves Gorky, the bird I
• 50:40
  am about to treat of, was one of the artists. A portrait painter,
• 50:45
  he called himself, but as a matter of fact, his score up
• 50:50
  to date had been nil. You see the catch about portrait painting, I've
• 50:54
  looked into the thing a bit, is that you can't start painting portraits till
• 51:00
  people come along and ask you to, And they won't come and ask you
• 51:04
  to until you've painted a lot first. This makes it kind of difficult,
• 51:08
  not to say tough for the ambitious youngster. Corky managed to get along by
• 51:15
  drawing an occasional picture for the comic papers. He had rather a gift for
• 51:20
  funny stuff when he got a good idea, and doing bedsteads and chairs and
• 51:24
  things for the advertisements. His principal source of income, however, was derived
• 51:30
  from biting the ear of a rich uncle, one Alexander Warpole, who was
• 51:36
  in the juke business. I'm a bit fargy as to what jute is,
• 51:40
  but it's apparently something the populous is pretty keen on, for mister Warple had
• 51:45
  made quite an indecently large stack out of it. Now a great many fellows
• 51:52
  thinking having a rich uncle was a pretty soft snap. But according to Corky,
• 51:57
  such as not the case. Corky's his uncle was a robust sort of
• 52:00
  cove who looked like living forever. He was fifty one, and it seemed
• 52:06
  as if he might go to par It was not this, however, that
• 52:09
  distressed for Corky, for he was not bigoted and had no objection to the
• 52:15
  man going on living. What Gorky kicked at was the way the above Warble
• 52:20
  used to harry him. Corky's uncle, you see, didn't want him to
• 52:25
  be an artist. He didn't think he had any talent. In that direction.
• 52:30
  He was always urging him to chuck art and go into the jute business
• 52:34
  and start at the bottom and work his way up. And what Corky said
• 52:38
  was that while he didn't know what they did at the bottom of a jute
• 52:42
  business, instinct told him that it was something too beastly for words. Gorky,
• 52:49
  moreover, believed in his future as an artist. Some day, he
• 52:53
  said he was going to make a hit. Meanwhile, by using the ut
• 53:00
  most tact and persuasiveness, he was inducing his uncle to cough up very grudgingly
• 53:05
  a small quarterly allowance. He wouldn't have got this if his uncle hadn't had
• 53:10
  a hobby. Mister Warple was peculiar in this respect. As a rule,
• 53:16
  from what I've observed, the American captain of industry doesn't do anything out of
• 53:22
  business hours. When he has put the cat out and locked up the office
• 53:25
  for the night, he just relapses into a state of coma, from which
• 53:30
  he emerges only to start being a Captain of industry again. But mister Warpole,
• 53:35
  in his spare time, was what is known as an ornithologist. He
• 53:39
  had written a book called American Birds and was writing another to be called more
• 53:45
  American birds. When he had finished that, the presumption was that he would
• 53:50
  begin a third and keep on till the supply of American birds gave out.
• 53:54
  Gorky used to go to him about once every three months and let him talk
• 53:59
  about American birds. Apparently you could do what you liked with old Warple if
• 54:02
  you gave him his head first on his pet subject. So these little chats
• 54:07
  used to make Corky's allowance all right for the time being, but it was
• 54:12
  pretty rotten for the poor chap There was the frightful suspense, you see,
• 54:16
  and apart from that, birds, except when broiled and in the society of
• 54:21
  a cold bottle, boared him stiff. To complete the character study of mister
• 54:28
  Warple, he was a man of extremely uncertain temper, and his general tendency
• 54:34
  was to think that Corky was a poor chump, and whatever step he took
• 54:37
  in any direction on his own account was just another proof of his inane idiocy.
• 54:45
  I should imagine Jeeves feels very much the same about me. So when
• 54:51
  Corky trickled into my apartment one afternoon, shooting a girl in in front of
• 54:54
  him and said, Bertie, I want you to meet my fiance, Miss
• 55:00
  Singer. The aspect of the matter which hit me first was precisely the one
• 55:06
  which he had come to consult me about. The very first words I spoke
• 55:09
  were corky, how about your uncle? The poor chap gave one of these
• 55:16
  merciless last. He was looking anxious and worried, like a man who has
• 55:22
  done the murder all right, but can't think of what the deuce to do
• 55:25
  with the body. We're so scared, mister Woolster, said the girl.
• 55:31
  We were hoping that you might suggest a way of breaking it to him.
• 55:36
  Murieal Singer was one of those very quiet, appealing girls who have a way
• 55:40
  of looking at you with their big eyes, as if they thought you were
• 55:44
  the greatest thing on earth, and wondered that you hadn't got on to it
• 55:47
  yet yourself. She sat there in a sort of shrinking way, looking at
• 55:52
  me as if she were saying to herself, Oh, I do hope this
• 55:55
  great strong man isn't going to hurt me. She gave a fellow a protective
• 56:00
  kind of feeling, made him want to stroke her hand and say there there
• 56:06
  little one or words to that effect. She made me feel that there was
• 56:10
  nothing I couldn't do for her. She was rather like one of those innocent
• 56:15
  tasting American drinks which creep imperceptibly into your system, so that before you know
• 56:21
  what you're doing, you're starting to reform the world by force, if necessary,
• 56:25
  and pausing on your way to tell the large maid in the corner that
• 56:29
  if he looks you like that, you will knock his head off. What
• 56:32
  I mean is she made me feel alert and dashing, like a knight errant
• 56:37
  or something of that kind. I felt that I was with her in this
• 56:40
  thing to the limit. I don't see why your uncle shouldn't be most awfully
• 56:46
  bucked, I said to Corky. He will think miss Singer the ideal wife
• 56:51
  for you. Corky declined to cheer up. You don't know him. Even
• 56:58
  if he did, like Muriel, he wouldn't admit it. That's the sort
• 57:01
  of pig headed ass he is. It would be a matter of principle with
• 57:06
  him to kick. All he would consider would be that I had gone and
• 57:09
  taken an important step without asking his advice, and he would raise Kane automatically.
• 57:15
  He's always done it, I strained the old being. To meet this
• 57:21
  emergency, you want to work it so that he makes Miss Singer's acquaintance without
• 57:25
  knowing that you know her, then you come along. But how can I
• 57:31
  work it that way? I saw his point, and that was the catch.
• 57:38
  There's only one thing to do. I said, well, what's that?
• 57:44
  Leave it to Jeeves, and I rang the bell, Sir said,
• 57:49
  Jeeves, kind of manifesting himself. One of the rummy things about Jeeves is
• 57:53
  that unless you watch like a hawk, you very seldom see him come into
• 57:58
  a room. He's like one of those weird birds in India who dissolved himself
• 58:02
  in the thin air and nip through space in a kind of disembodied way in
• 58:07
  some of the parts again just where they want them. I've got a cousin
• 58:10
  who's what they call a theosophus, and he says he's off and nearly worked
• 58:15
  the thing himself, but couldn't quite bring it off, probably only to have
• 58:19
  fed in his boyhood on the flesh of animals slain in anger and pye.
• 58:24
  The moment I saw the man standing there registering respectful attention, a weight seemed
• 58:30
  to roll off my mind. I felt like a lost child who spots his
• 58:34
  father in the offing Geeves, I said, we want your advice. Very
• 58:40
  good, sir. I boiled down Corky's painful case into a few well chosen
• 58:45
  words, so you can see what it amounts to, Jeeves. We want
• 58:51
  you to suggest some way by which mister Warpole could make Miss Singer's acquaintance without
• 58:55
  getting on to the fact that mister Corkoran already knows her. I understand perfectly,
• 59:01
  sir. Well try to think of something. I have thought of something
• 59:07
  already, Sir. You have the scheme I would suggest cannot fail of success,
• 59:15
  but it has what may seem to you a drawback, sir, in
• 59:19
  that it requires a certain financial outlay. He means, I translated to Corky
• 59:25
  that he has got a pippin of an idea when it's going to cost a
• 59:29
  bit. Naturally, the poor Chap's face dropped for this seemed to dish the
• 59:35
  whole thing. But I was still under the influence of the girl's melting gaze,
• 59:39
  and I saw that this was where I started in as a knight errant.
• 59:45
  You can count on me for all that sort of thing, Corky,
• 59:49
  I said, only too glad. Carry on, Jeeves. I would suggest,
• 59:54
  sir that mister corkorand take advantage of mister Warple's attachment to or How on
• 1:00:01
  earth did you know that he was fond of birds? It is the way
• 1:00:06
  these New York apartments are constructed, sir. Quite unlike our London houses.
• 1:00:10
  The partitions between the rooms are of the flimsiest nature. With no wish to
• 1:00:15
  overhear, I have sometimes heard mister Corkoran expressing himself with a generous strength on
• 1:00:22
  the subject I have mentioned. Ah, well, why should not the young
• 1:00:28
  lady write a small volume to be entitled hum let us say, the Children's
• 1:00:32
  Book of American Birds, and dedicated to mister Warple. A limited edition could
• 1:00:38
  be published at your expense, Sir, and a great deal of the book
• 1:00:42
  would of course be given over to eulogistic remarks concerning mister Warple's own larger treatise
• 1:00:49
  on the same subject. I should recommend the dispatching of a presentation copy to
• 1:00:53
  mister Warple immediately upon publication, accompanied by a letter in which the young lady
• 1:01:00
  asked to be allowed to make the acquaintance of one to whom she owes so
• 1:01:02
  much. This would, I fancy produce the desired result. But as I
• 1:01:09
  say, the expense involved would be considerable. I felt like the proprietor of
• 1:01:15
  a performing dog on the vaudeville stage when the tiger has just pulled off his
• 1:01:20
  trick without a hitch. I had betted on Jeeves all along, and I
• 1:01:23
  had known that he wouldn't let me down. It beats me sometimes why a
• 1:01:29
  man with his genius is satisfied to hang around pressing my clothes and what not.
• 1:01:34
  If I had half Jeeves's brain, I would have a stab at being
• 1:01:37
  Prime Minister or something. Jeeves I said, that is absolutely ripping one of
• 1:01:44
  your very best efforts. Thank you, sir. The girl made an objection,
• 1:01:51
  but I'm sure I couldn't write a book about anything. I can't even
• 1:01:54
  write good letters. Uh, Muriel's telling, once said Corky with a little
• 1:02:01
  cough, lie more in the direction of the drama Bertie. I didn't mention
• 1:02:07
  it before, but one of our reasons for being a trifle nervous as to
• 1:02:10
  how Uncle Alexander will receive the news is that Muriel is in the chorus of
• 1:02:15
  that show Choose your exit at the Manhattan It's absurdly unreasonable, but we both
• 1:02:22
  feel that that fact might increase Uncle Alexander's natural tendency to kick like a steer.
• 1:02:30
  I saw what he meant. I don't know why it is. One
• 1:02:34
  of these psychology sharps could explain it, I suppose. But uncle's and aunts
• 1:02:38
  as a class are always dead against the drama, legitimate or otherwise. They
• 1:02:44
  don't seem able to stick it at any price. But Jeeves had a solution.
• 1:02:49
  Of course. I fancy it will be a simple matter, sir,
• 1:02:53
  to find some impecunious author who would be glad to do the actual composition of
• 1:02:58
  the volume, worth small fee. It is only necessary that the young lady's
• 1:03:02
  name should appear on the title page. That's true, said Corky. Sam
• 1:03:08
  Patterson would do it for a hundred dollars. He writes a novelette, three
• 1:03:13
  short stories, and ten thousand words of a serial for one of the all
• 1:03:16
  fiction magazines under different names every month. A little thing like this would be
• 1:03:22
  nothing to him. I'll get after him right away. Fine, Oh will
• 1:03:27
  that be all, sir, said Jeeves. Very good, sir, Thank
• 1:03:31
  you, sir. I always used to think that publishers had to be devilishly
• 1:03:37
  intelligent fellows loaded down with the gray matter. But I've got their number.
• 1:03:43
  Now all the publisher has to do is to write checks at intervals, while
• 1:03:47
  a lot of deserving and industrious chappies rally round and do the real work.
• 1:03:52
  I know because I've been one myself. I simply sat tight in the old
• 1:03:58
  flat with a fountain pen and indu season. A topping shining book came along.
• 1:04:02
  I happened to be down at Corky's place when the first copies of the
• 1:04:06
  children's book of American Birds bobbed up. Muriel Singer was there and we were
• 1:04:13
  talking of things in general when there was a bang at the door and the
• 1:04:15
  parcel was delivered. It was certainly some book. It had a red cover
• 1:04:20
  with a fowl of some species on it, and underneath the girl's name in
• 1:04:26
  gold letters. I opened a copy at random oft of a spring morning.
• 1:04:31
  It said, at the top of page twenty one, as you wander through
• 1:04:34
  the fields, you will hear the sweet tone, carelessly flowing warble of the
• 1:04:40
  purple finch linnet. When you are older, you must read all about him
• 1:04:44
  in mister Alexander Warpole's wonderful book American Birds. You see a boost for the
• 1:04:51
  uncle right away, and only a few pages later there he was in the
• 1:04:56
  limelight again in connection with the Yellow Bill Cookatoo. It was great stuff.
• 1:05:00
  The more I read, the more I admired the chap who had written it,
• 1:05:04
  and Jeeves's genius in putting us on to the Wieze. I didn't see
• 1:05:09
  how the uncle could fail to drop. You can't call a chap the world's
• 1:05:13
  greatest authority on the yellow Bill Cockatoo without rousing a certain disposition towards chumminess in
• 1:05:17
  him. It's assert, I said. An absolute cinch, said Corky,
• 1:05:25
  and a day or two later he meandered up the avenue to my flat to
• 1:05:29
  tell me that all was well. The uncle had written Muriel a letter so
• 1:05:32
  dripping with the milk of human kindness that if he hadn't known mister Warple's handwriting,
• 1:05:38
  Corky would have refused to believe him the author of it. Any time
• 1:05:41
  it suited Miss Singer to call, said the uncle, he would be delighted
• 1:05:45
  to make her acquaintance. Shortly after this, I had to go out of
• 1:05:49
  town, and diverse sound sportsmen had invited me to pay visits to their country
• 1:05:55
  places, and it wasn't for several months that I settled down in the city
• 1:05:59
  again. I had been wondering a lot, of course about Corky, whether
• 1:06:03
  it all turned out right, and so forth. And my first evening in
• 1:06:06
  New York, happening to pop into a quiet, sort of a little restaurant
• 1:06:11
  which I go to when I don't feel inclined for the bright lights. I
• 1:06:15
  found Muriel Singer there, sitting by herself at a table near the door.
• 1:06:19
  Corky, I took it was out telephoning. I went up and passed the
• 1:06:24
  time of day. Well, well, well, what I said, Why,
• 1:06:29
  mister Wooster, how do you do Corky around? I beg your pardon.
• 1:06:35
  You're waiting for Corky, aren't you. Oh? I didn't understand.
• 1:06:40
  No, I'm not waiting for him. It seemed to me that there was
• 1:06:45
  a sort of something in her voice, a kind of thing O me.
• 1:06:48
  You know, I say, you haven't had a row with Corky? Have
• 1:06:51
  you a row? A spat? Don't you know? A little misunderstanding?
• 1:06:58
  False on both sides? Er and all that sort of thing? Why whatever
• 1:07:01
  makes you think that? Oh? Well, as it were, what uh,
• 1:07:06
  what I mean is I thought you usually dined with him before you went
• 1:07:11
  to the theater. I've left the stage. Now. Suddenly the whole thing
• 1:07:16
  dawned on me. I had forgotten what a long time I had been away.
• 1:07:21
  Why, of course, I see you're married. Yes, how perfectly
• 1:07:28
  topping. I wish you all kinds of happiness. Thank you so much,
• 1:07:32
  oh Alexander, she said, looking past me. This is a friend of
• 1:07:38
  mine, a mister Woolster. I spun around. A bloke with a lot
• 1:07:44
  of stiff gray hair and a red sort of healthy face was standing there rather
• 1:07:48
  a formidable Johnny. He looked, though peaceful at the moment. I want
• 1:07:53
  you to meet my husband, mister Woolster. Mister Woolster is a friend of
• 1:07:57
  Bruce's, Alexander. The old boy grasped my hand warmly, and that was
• 1:08:02
  all that kept me from hitting the floor in a heap. The place was
• 1:08:06
  rocking absolutely so you know my nephew, mister Worcester, I heard him say,
• 1:08:15
  I wish you would try to knock a little sense into him and make
• 1:08:17
  him quit this playing painting. But I have an idea that he is steadying
• 1:08:23
  down. I noticed at first that night he came to dinner with us,
• 1:08:27
  my dear to be introduced to you. He seemed altogether quieter and more serious.
• 1:08:32
  Something seemed to have sobered him. Perhaps you will give us the pleasure
• 1:08:38
  of your company at dinner to night, mister Wolcester, Or have you dined?
• 1:08:43
  I said, I had what I needed? Then was air, not
• 1:08:45
  dinner. I felt that I wanted to get into the open and think this
• 1:08:49
  thing out. When I reached my flat, I heard Jeeves moving about in
• 1:08:55
  his lair. I called him, Jeeves, I said, now is the
• 1:09:00
  time for all good men to come to the aid of the party. I'll
• 1:09:04
  stiff be an s first of all, and and then I've a bit of
• 1:09:08
  news for you. He came back with a tray and a long glass.
• 1:09:13
  Better have one yourself, Jeeves, you'll need it later on. Perhaps,
• 1:09:17
  thank you, sir. All right, please yourself, but you're going to
• 1:09:23
  get a shock. You remember my friend mister Corkran, Yes, sir,
• 1:09:28
  and the girl who was to slide gracefully into his uncle's esteem by writing the
• 1:09:31
  book on birds perfectly, sir, Well she's slid. She married the uncle.
• 1:09:40
  He took it without blinking. You can't rattle Jeeves. That was always
• 1:09:45
  a development to be feared, sir. You didn't tell me that you were
• 1:09:47
  expecting it. It crossed my mind as a possibility and knit it. By
• 1:09:54
  jove, well, I think you might have warned us. I hardly like
• 1:09:59
  to take the liberty, sir. Of course, as I saw after I'd
• 1:10:04
  had a bite to eat and was in a calmer frame of mind, what
• 1:10:09
  had happened wasn't my fault. If you came down to it, I couldn't
• 1:10:13
  be expected to foresee that the scheme in itself a cracker jack, would skid
• 1:10:17
  into the ditch as it had done. But all the same, I'm bound
• 1:10:20
  to admit that I didn't relish the idea of meeting Corky again until time the
• 1:10:26
  Great Healer had been able to get in a bit of smoothing work. I
• 1:10:30
  cut Washington square out absolutely For the next few months, I gave it the
• 1:10:34
  complete missin' balk. And then, just when I was beginning to think I
• 1:10:39
  might safely pop down in that direction and gather up the dropped threads, so
• 1:10:43
  to speak, time, instead of working the healing Wheelze went and pulled the
• 1:10:46
  most awful bone and put the lid on it. Opening the paper one morning,
• 1:10:51
  I read that Missus Alexander Warpole had presented her husband with a son and
• 1:10:57
  air. I was so sorry for poor old Corky that I hadn't the heart
• 1:11:01
  to touch my breakfast. I was bowled over, absolutely, it was the
• 1:11:06
  limit. I hardly knew what to do. I wanted, of course,
• 1:11:12
  to rush down to Washington Square and grip the poor blier silently by the hand,
• 1:11:15
  and then thinking it over, I hadn't the nerve absent treatment seemed to
• 1:11:20
  touch. I gave it him in waves, But after a month or so
• 1:11:26
  I began to hesitate again. It struck me that it was playing it a
• 1:11:30
  bit low down on the poor chap, avoiding him like this, just when
• 1:11:33
  he probably wanted his pals to surge round him most. I pictured him sitting
• 1:11:39
  in his lonely studio with no company but his bitter thoughts, and the pathos
• 1:11:44
  of it cut to me to such an extent that I bounded straight into a
• 1:11:47
  taxi and told the driver to go all out with the studio. I rushed
• 1:11:51
  in and there was Corky hunched up at the easel, painting away while on
• 1:11:58
  the model's throne. That is, severe looking female of middle age holding a
• 1:12:01
  baby. A fellow has to be ready for that sort of thing, oh
• 1:12:06
  ah, I said, and started to back out. Corky looked over his
• 1:12:11
  shoulder. Ull, Oh, Bertie, don't go. We're just finishing for
• 1:12:15
  the day. That will be all this afternoon, he said to the nurse
• 1:12:20
  who had got up with the baby and decanted it into a perambulator which was
• 1:12:25
  standing in the fairway at the same hour tomorrow, mister corkwan, yes,
• 1:12:30
  please, good afternoon, Good afternoon. Corky stood there looking at the door,
• 1:12:38
  and then he turned to me and began to get it off his chest.
• 1:12:42
  Fortunately, he seemed to take it for granted that I knew all about
• 1:12:45
  what had happened, so it wasn't as awkward as it might have been.
• 1:12:48
  It's my uncle's idea, he said. Muriel doesn't know about it yet.
• 1:12:54
  The portrait's to be a surprise for her on her birthday. The nurse takes
• 1:12:58
  the kid out ostensibly get a breather, and they beat it down. Here.
• 1:13:01
  If you want an instance of the irony of fate, Bertie, and
• 1:13:04
  get acquainted with this, here's the first commission I have ever had to paint
• 1:13:09
  a portrait, and the sitter is that human poached egg that has butted in
• 1:13:13
  and bounced me out of my inheritance. Can you beat it? I call
• 1:13:17
  it rubbing the thing in to expect me to spend all my afternoons gazing into
• 1:13:20
  the ugly face of a little brat who, to all intents and purposes,
• 1:13:25
  has hit me behind the ear with a black jack and swiped all I possess.
• 1:13:29
  I can't refuse to paint the portrait, because if I did, my
• 1:13:31
  uncle would stop my allowance. Yet every time I look up and catch that
• 1:13:35
  kid's vacant eye, I suffer agonies. I tell you, Bertie, Sometimes
• 1:13:42
  when he gives me a patronizing glance and then turns away and is sick as
• 1:13:45
  if it revolted him to look at me, I come within an ace of
• 1:13:48
  occupying the entire front page of the evening papers as the latest murder sensation.
• 1:13:54
  There are moments when I can almost see the headlines promising young artist means baby
• 1:14:00
  with axe. I patted his shoulders silently. My sympathy for the poor old
• 1:14:04
  scout was too deep for words. I kept away from the studio for some
• 1:14:11
  time after that, because it didn't seem right to me to intrude on the
• 1:14:14
  poor chappy's sorrow. Besides, I'm bound to say that nurse intimidated me.
• 1:14:19
  She reminded me so infernally of Aunt Agatha. She was the same gimlet eyed
• 1:14:25
  type. But one afternoon Corky called me on the phone, Bertie, Hello,
• 1:14:31
  are you doing anything this afternoon? Nothing special? You couldn't come down
• 1:14:38
  here, could you? And what's the trouble? Anything up? I finished
• 1:14:43
  the portrait, good boy stout work. Yes, his voice sounded rather doubtful.
• 1:14:51
  The fact is, Bertie, it doesn't look quite right to me.
• 1:14:56
  There's something about it. My uncle's coming in half an hour to and I
• 1:15:00
  don't know why it is, but I kind of feel i'd like your moral
• 1:15:03
  support. I began to see that I was letting myself in for something.
• 1:15:09
  The sympathetic cooperation of Jeeves seemed to me to be indicated. You think you'll
• 1:15:14
  cut up a rough? He may? I threw my mind back to the
• 1:15:17
  red faced chappy I had met at the restaurant, and tried to picture him
• 1:15:21
  cutting it up rough. It was only too easy. I spoke to Corky
• 1:15:27
  firmly on the telephone. I'll come, I said, good, but only
• 1:15:31
  if I may bring Jeeves. Oh why Jeeves? What's your Jeeves got to
• 1:15:36
  do with it? Who wants Jeeves. Jeeves is the fool suggested the scheme
• 1:15:41
  that has led Listen, Corky, all top. If you think I'm going
• 1:15:45
  to face that uncle of yours without Jeez's support, You're mistaken. I'd sooner
• 1:15:48
  go into a den of wild beasts and bite a lion on the back of
• 1:15:53
  the neck. Oh all right, said Corky, not cordially, but he
• 1:15:58
  said it. So. I rang for Jeeves and explained the situation. Very
• 1:16:03
  good, sir, said Jeeves. We found Corky near the door, looking
• 1:16:10
  at the picture with one hand up in a defensive sort of way, as
• 1:16:14
  if he thought it might swing at him. Stand right where you are,
• 1:16:16
  Bertie, he said, without moving. Now, tell me, honestly,
• 1:16:21
  how does it strike you? The light from the big window fell right on
• 1:16:26
  the picture. I took a good look at it. Then I shifted a
• 1:16:30
  bit nearer and took another look. Then I went back to where I had
• 1:16:32
  been at first, because it hadn't seemed quite so bad from there, well,
• 1:16:39
  said Corky, anxiously. I hesitated a bit, of course, old
• 1:16:45
  man. I only saw the kid once, and then only for a moment,
• 1:16:48
  But it was an ugliest sort of kid. Wasn't it, if I
• 1:16:51
  remember rightly? As ugly as that, I looked again, and honestly compelled
• 1:16:59
  me to be. I don't see it how it could have been, Old
• 1:17:02
  Chap. Poor old Corky ran his fingers to his hair in a temperamental sort
• 1:17:08
  of way. He groaned, You're quite right, Bertie, something's done wrong
• 1:17:15
  with the darned thing. My private impression is that, without knowing it,
• 1:17:19
  I've worked that stunt that sergeant used to pull painting the soul of the sitter.
• 1:17:25
  I've got through the mere outward appearance and have put the child's soul on
• 1:17:29
  canvas. But could a child of that age have a soul like that?
• 1:17:33
  I don't see how he could have managed it in the time. What do
• 1:17:38
  you think, Jeeves? I doubt it, sir. It it's sort of
• 1:17:43
  leers at you, doesn't it. You've noticed that too, said Corky.
• 1:17:47
  I don't see how one could help noticing. All I tried to do was
• 1:17:51
  to give the little brute a cheerful expression. But as it has worked out,
• 1:17:56
  he looks positively dissipated. Just what I was going to suggest, old
• 1:18:00
  man, he looks as if he were in the middle of a colossal spree
• 1:18:04
  and enjoying every minute of it. Don't you think so, Jeeves, He
• 1:18:09
  has a decidedly inebriated air. Sir Corky was starting to say something when the
• 1:18:15
  door opened and the uncle came in. For about three seconds, all was
• 1:18:20
  joy, jollity and good will. The old boy shook hands with me,
• 1:18:26
  slapped Corky on the back and said he didn't think he had ever seen such
• 1:18:29
  a fine day, and whacked his leg with his stick. Jeeves had projected
• 1:18:33
  himself into the background, and he didn't notice him. Well, Bruce,
• 1:18:38
  my boy, So the portrait has really finished? Is it really finished?
• 1:18:43
  Well? Bring it out. Let's have a look at it. This will
• 1:18:46
  be a wonderful surprise for your aunt. Oh where is it? Let's and
• 1:18:51
  then he got it suddenly when he wasn't set for the punch, and he
• 1:18:57
  rocked back on his heels. Oh, he exclaimed, And perhaps a minute
• 1:19:02
  there was one of the scaliest silences I've ever run up against. Is this
• 1:19:08
  a practical joke? He said at last, in a way that set about
• 1:19:13
  sixteen drafts cutting through the room at once. I thought it was up to
• 1:19:17
  me to rally round Old Corky. You want to stand a bit further away
• 1:19:21
  from it. You're perfectly bright, he snorted, I do. I want
• 1:19:28
  to stand so far away from it that I can't see the thing with a
• 1:19:30
  telescope. He turned on Corky, like an untamed tiger of a jungle who
• 1:19:35
  has just located a chunk of meat. And this, this is what you've
• 1:19:41
  been wasting your time and my money for all these years a painter. I
• 1:19:45
  wouldn't let you paid a house of mine. I gave you this commission thinking
• 1:19:49
  that you were a competed worker. And this, this, this extract from
• 1:19:55
  a comic supplement, is the result. He swung towards the door, his
• 1:20:00
  tail and growling to himself, This ends it. If you wish to continue
• 1:20:04
  this foolery of pretending to be an artist because you want an excuse for idleness,
• 1:20:09
  please yourself. But let me tell you this, unless you reported my
• 1:20:14
  office on Monday morning, prepared to abandon all this idiocy and start in at
• 1:20:17
  the bottom of the business to work your way up as you should have done
• 1:20:20
  half a dozen years ago. Not another cent, not another cent, not
• 1:20:27
  another bosh. Then the door closed, and he was no longer with us,
• 1:20:32
  And I crawled out of the bomb proof shelter. Gorky old top,
• 1:20:39
  I whispered faintly. Corky was standing staring at the picture. His face was
• 1:20:45
  set. There was a hunted look in his eye. Well that finishes it,
• 1:20:49
  he muttered, brokenly. What are you going to do? Do?
• 1:20:55
  What can I do? I can't stick on here? He cuts off the
• 1:20:59
  supply. You heard what he said, I shall have to go to the
• 1:21:02
  office on Monday. I couldn't think of a thing to say. I knew
• 1:21:09
  exactly how he felt about the office. I don't know when I've been so
• 1:21:13
  infirmly uncomfortable. It was like hanging around trying to make conversation to a pal
• 1:21:17
  who's just been sentenced to twenty years in quad. And then a soothing voice
• 1:21:23
  broke the silence. If I might make a suggestion, sir. It was
• 1:21:29
  Jeeves. He had slid from the shadows and was gazing gravely at the picture.
• 1:21:34
  Upon my word, I can't give you a better idea of the shattering
• 1:21:39
  effect of Gorky's uncle Alexander Whent in action than by saying that he had absolutely
• 1:21:44
  made me forget for the moment that Jeeves was there. I wonder if I
• 1:21:48
  have ever happened to mention to you, sir, a mister Digby Thistleton,
• 1:21:53
  with whom I was once in service. Perhaps you have met him. He
• 1:21:58
  was a financier. He is now Lord Bridgeworth. It was a favorite saying
• 1:22:03
  of his that there is always a way. The first time I heard him
• 1:22:08
  use the expression was after the failure of a patent depilatory which he promoted.
• 1:22:14
  Jeeves, I said, what on earth you're talking about? I mentioned mister
• 1:22:19
  Thistleton, Sir, because his was, in some respects a parallel case to
• 1:22:24
  the present one. His depilatory failed, but he did not despair. He
• 1:22:30
  put it on the market again under the name of hare O, guaranteed to
• 1:22:33
  produce a full crop of hair in a few months. It was advertised,
• 1:22:38
  if you remember, sir, by a humorous picture of a billiard ball before
• 1:22:42
  and after taking and made such a substantial fortune that mister Thistleton was soon afterwards
• 1:22:47
  elevated to the peerage for services to his party. It seems to me that
• 1:22:54
  if mister Corkrand looks into the matter, he will find, like mister Thistleton,
• 1:22:59
  that there is always Mister Warble himself suggested the solution of the difficulty.
• 1:23:04
  In the heat of the moment, he compared the portrait to an extract from
• 1:23:09
  a colored comic supplement. I consider the suggestion a very valuable ones, Sir.
• 1:23:15
  Mister Corkan's portrait may not have pleased mister Warble as a likeness of his
• 1:23:18
  only child, but I have no doubt that editors would gladly consider it as
• 1:23:24
  a foundation for a series of humorous wrongings. If mister Corkwan will allow me
• 1:23:29
  to make the suggestion. His talent has always been for the humorous. There
• 1:23:33
  is something about this picture, something bold and vigorous, which arrests the attention.
• 1:23:40
  I feel sure it would be highly popular. Corky was staring at the
• 1:23:45
  picture and making a sort of dry sucking noise with his mouth. He seemed
• 1:23:49
  completely overwrought, and then suddenly he began to laugh in a wild way.
• 1:23:56
  Corky, old man, I said, massaging him tenderly. I feared the
• 1:24:00
  poor blighter was hysterical. He began to stagger about all over the floor.
• 1:24:05
  He's right, The man's absolutely right. Jeeves, you are a life saver.
• 1:24:12
  You've hit on the greatest idea of the age. Report of the Office
• 1:24:15
  on Monday start at the bottom of the business. I'll buy the business if
• 1:24:20
  I feel like it. I know the man who runs the comic section of
• 1:24:24
  the Sunday Star. He'll eat this thing. He was telling me only the
• 1:24:28
  other day how hard it was to get a good news series. He'll give
• 1:24:31
  me anything I ask for a real winner like this. I've got a gold
• 1:24:35
  mine. Where's my hat, I've got an income for life. Where's that
• 1:24:40
  confounded hat? Lend me a five, Bertie. I want to take a
• 1:24:43
  taxi down to park Row. Geeves smiled paternally, or rather he had a
• 1:24:48
  kind of a paternal muscular spasm about the mouth, which is the nearest he
• 1:24:53
  ever gets to smiling. If I might make the suggestion, mister corkword for
• 1:24:58
  a title of the series which you have in mind, the Adventures of Baby
• 1:25:02
  Blobs. Gorky and I looked at the picture and then at each other in
• 1:25:06
  an odd way. Jeeves was right. There could be no other title,
• 1:25:14
  Jeeves, I said. It was a few weeks later, and I had
• 1:25:17
  just finished looking at the comic section of the Sunday Star. I'm an optimist.
• 1:25:23
  I always have been. The older I get, the more I agree
• 1:25:27
  with Shakespeare and those poet Johnnies about it always being the darkest before the dawn,
• 1:25:30
  and there's a silver lining. And what you lose on the swings you
• 1:25:34
  make up on the roundabouts. Look at mister Cochrane, for instance. There
• 1:25:39
  was a fellow one would have said, clear up to the eyebrows and the
• 1:25:43
  soup. To all appearances, he had got it right in the neck.
• 1:25:46
  Yet look at him. Now, have you seen these pictures? I took
• 1:25:50
  the liberty at glancing at him before bringing him to you, sir, extremely
• 1:25:55
  diverting. They have made a big hit, you know. I and his
• 1:26:00
  paid it, Sir. I leaned back against the pillows. You know,
• 1:26:04
  Jeeves, you're a genius. You ought to be drawing a commission on these
• 1:26:09
  things. I have nothing to complain of in that respect, sir. Mister
• 1:26:14
  Corcoran has been most generous. I am putting out the brown suit, sir.
• 1:26:18
  No, I think I'll wear the blue with the faint red stripe,
• 1:26:23
  not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir. But I rather fancy
• 1:26:27
  myself in it, not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir.
• 1:26:32
  Ah, all right, have it your own way, A very good sir.
• 1:26:38
  Thank you, sir, Jeeves and the unbidden guest. I'm absolutely certain
• 1:26:45
  of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare, or if not,
• 1:26:50
  it's some equally brainy bird who says that it's always just when a fellow is
• 1:26:57
  feeling particularly braced with things in general, that fate sneaks up behind him with
• 1:27:01
  a bit of lead piping. And what I'm driving at is that the man
• 1:27:06
  is perfectly right. Take for instance, the business of Lady Malvern and her
• 1:27:13
  son Wilmot. That was one of the scaiest affairs I was ever mixed up
• 1:27:17
  with, and a moment before they came into my life, I was just
• 1:27:23
  thinking how thoroughly all right everything was. I was still in New York when
• 1:27:30
  the thing started, and it was about the time of year when New York
• 1:27:33
  is at its best. It was one of those topping mornings, and I
• 1:27:39
  had just climbed out from under the cold shower feeling like a million dollars.
• 1:27:45
  As a matter of fact, what was bucking me up more than anything was
• 1:27:48
  the fact that the day before I had asserted myself with Jeeves, absolutely asserted
• 1:27:55
  myself. Don't you know. You see, the way things had been going
• 1:28:00
  on, I was rapidly becoming a dashed surf. The man had jolly well
• 1:28:05
  oppressed me. I didn't so much mind when he made me give up one
• 1:28:10
  of my new suits, because Jeeves's judgment about suits is sound and can generally
• 1:28:16
  be relied upon. But I, as near as a torture, rebelled when
• 1:28:23
  he wouldn't let me wear a pair of cloth topped boots, which I loved
• 1:28:28
  like a couple of brothers. And finally, when he tried to tread on
• 1:28:31
  me like a worm in the matter of a hat, I put the wooster
• 1:28:36
  foot down and showed him in no uncertain manner who was who. It is
• 1:28:44
  a long story, and I haven't time to tell you now, but the
• 1:28:47
  nub of the thing was that he wanted me to wear the White House wonder
• 1:28:53
  as worn by President Coolidge when I had set my heart on the Broadway Special,
• 1:29:00
  much patronized by the younger set. And the end of the matter was
• 1:29:04
  that, after a rather painful scene, I bought the Broadway Special. So
• 1:29:11
  that's how things were on this particular morning, and I was feeling pretty manly
• 1:29:15
  and independent. Well, I was in the bathroom wondering what there was going
• 1:29:23
  to be for breakfast while I massaged the spine with a rough towel, and
• 1:29:28
  sang slightly. When there was a tap at the door, I stopped singing
• 1:29:34
  and opened the door an inch. What ho without there? I said,
• 1:29:41
  Lady Malvern has called, Sir. Ay, Lady Malvern, Sir, she
• 1:29:48
  is waiting in the sitting room. Pull yourself together, jeeves, my man,
• 1:29:55
  I said, rather severely, for I bar practical oaks before breakfast.
• 1:30:01
  You know perfectly well there's no one waiting for me in the sitting room.
• 1:30:05
  How could there be when it's barely ten o'clock. Yet I gathered from her
• 1:30:11
  ladyship, Sir, that she had landed from an ocean liner at an early
• 1:30:15
  hour this morning. This made the thing a bit more plausible. I remembered
• 1:30:23
  that when I had arrived in America about a year before, the proceedings had
• 1:30:28
  begun at some ghastly hour like six, and that I had been shut out
• 1:30:32
  on to a foreign shore considerably before eight. Who the deuce is Lady Malvern,
• 1:30:40
  jeeves, Her ladyship did not confide in me, sir. Is she
• 1:30:45
  alone? Her ladyship is accompanied by a lord Pershaw, Sir. I fancy
• 1:30:54
  that his lordship would be her Ladyship's son, oh, well, put out
• 1:31:00
  rich raiments of sorts and I'll be dressing. Our heather mixture lounge is in
• 1:31:06
  readiness, sir. Then lead me to it. While I was dressing,
• 1:31:13
  I kept trying to think who on earth Lady Malvern could be. It wasn't
• 1:31:18
  till I had climbed to the top of my shirt and was reaching out for
• 1:31:21
  the studs that I remembered I've placed her, Jeeves. She's a pal of
• 1:31:27
  my aunt Agatha. Indeed, sir, yes, I met her at lunch
• 1:31:33
  one Sunday before I left London. A very vicious specimen writes books. She
• 1:31:42
  wrote a book on social conditions in India. When she came back from the
• 1:31:45
  d'urbar. Yes, sir, pardon me, sir, but not that tie
• 1:31:54
  a not that tie with the heather mixture lounge, sir. It was a
• 1:32:00
  shock to me. I thought I had quelled the fellow. It was rather
• 1:32:05
  a solemn moment. What I mean is, if I weakened now, all
• 1:32:12
  my good work the night before would be thrown away. I braced myself.
• 1:32:17
  What's wrong with this tie? I've seen you give it a nasty look before
• 1:32:23
  speak out like a man. What's the matter with it? Too ornate,
• 1:32:29
  sir, nonsense, A cheerful pink nothing more unsuitable, Sir jeeves, this
• 1:32:38
  is the tie I wear very good, sir, dashed unpleasant. I could
• 1:32:45
  see that the man was wounded, but I was firm. I tied the
• 1:32:49
  tie, got into the coat and waistcoat and went into the sitting room.
• 1:32:56
  Hello, Hello, Hello, I said, what ah, how do you
• 1:33:00
  do? Mister Wooster? You have never met my son Wilmot. I think,
• 1:33:05
  Marty Darling, this is mister Wooster. Lady Malvern was a hearty,
• 1:33:13
  happy, healthy, overpowering sort of dashed female, not so very tall,
• 1:33:17
  but making up for it by measuring about six feet from the o P to
• 1:33:23
  the prompt side. She fitted into my biggest arm chair as if it had
• 1:33:29
  been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm chairs tight about
• 1:33:32
  the hips that season. She had bright, bulging eyes and a lot of
• 1:33:38
  yellow hair, and when she spoke she showed about fifty seven front teeth.
• 1:33:44
  She was one of those women who kind of numb of Fellow's faculties. She
• 1:33:48
  made me feel as if I were ten years old and had been brought into
• 1:33:54
  the drawing room in my Sunday clothes. To say, how do you do?
• 1:33:58
  Altogether? By no means the sort of thing a chappy would wish to
• 1:34:01
  find in his sitting room before breakfast. Marty the Sun was about twenty three,
• 1:34:10
  tall and thin and meek looking. He had the same yellow hair as
• 1:34:15
  his mother, but he wore it plastered down and parted in the middle.
• 1:34:20
  His eyes bulged too, but they weren't bright. They were a dull gray
• 1:34:27
  with pink rims. His chin gave up the struggle about half way down,
• 1:34:31
  and he didn't appear to have any eyelashes, a mild, thurtive, sheepish
• 1:34:38
  sort of blighter. In short, awfully glad to see you, I said,
• 1:34:44
  though this was far from the case, for already I was beginning to
• 1:34:48
  have a sort of feeling that dirty work was threatening in the offing. So
• 1:34:54
  you've popped over making a long stay in America a bottom month. Your aunt
• 1:35:01
  gave me your address and told me to be sure to call on you.
• 1:35:08
  I was glad to hear this, for it seemed to indicate that Aunt Agatha
• 1:35:13
  was beginning to come round a bit. As I believe I told you before,
• 1:35:17
  there had been some slight unpleasantness between us arising from the occasion when she
• 1:35:24
  had sent me over to New York to disentangle my cousin Gussie from the clutches
• 1:35:29
  of a girl on the music hall stage. When I tell you that,
• 1:35:33
  by the time I had finished my operations, Gussie had not only married the
• 1:35:38
  girl, but had gone on the halls himself and was doing well, you'll
• 1:35:44
  understand that relations were a trifle strained between Aunt and nephew. I simply hadn't
• 1:35:51
  dared go back and face her, and it was a relief to find that
• 1:35:56
  time had healed the wound enough to make her tell her pals to call on
• 1:36:00
  me. What I mean is, much as I liked America, I didn't
• 1:36:05
  want to have England barred to me for the rest of my natural And believe
• 1:36:11
  me, England is a jolly sight, too small for any one to live
• 1:36:15
  in with Aunt Agatha if she's really on the war path. So I was
• 1:36:20
  braced at hearing these words, and smiled genially on the assemblage. Your aunt
• 1:36:28
  said that you would do anything that was in your power to be of assistance
• 1:36:32
  to us. Rather, oh, rather, absolutely, thank you so much.
• 1:36:41
  I want you to put dear Motty up for a little while. I
• 1:36:45
  didn't get this for a moment. Put him up for my clubs. No,
• 1:36:53
  no, darling, Matty is essentially a home bird, aren't you,
• 1:36:58
  Mtty. Darling Marty, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked
• 1:37:03
  himself. Yes, Mather, he said, and corked himself up again.
• 1:37:11
  I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean, put him
• 1:37:15
  up here, have him to live with you while I'm away. These frightful
• 1:37:20
  words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simply didn't seem to understand
• 1:37:27
  the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gave Marty the swift east to west.
• 1:37:33
  He was sitting with his mouth nzzling the stick, blinking at the wall.
• 1:37:39
  The thought of having this planted on me for an indefinite period appalled me,
• 1:37:45
  Absolutely appalled me, don't you know. I was just starting to say
• 1:37:49
  that the shot wasn't on the board at any price, and that the first
• 1:37:54
  sign Marty gave of trying to nestle into my little home, I would yell
• 1:37:58
  for the police when she went on rolling placidly over me. As it were,
• 1:38:04
  there was something about this woman that sapped one's will power. I am
• 1:38:10
  leaving New York by the midday train, as I have to pay a visit
• 1:38:14
  to sing Sing prison. I am extremely interested in prison conditions in America.
• 1:38:21
  After that, I worked my way gradually across to the coast, visiting the
• 1:38:27
  points of interest on the journey. You see, mister Wooster, I am
• 1:38:31
  in America principally on business. No doubt you read my book India and the
• 1:38:38
  Indians. My publishers are anxious for me to write a companion volume on the
• 1:38:43
  United States. I shall not be able to spend more than a month in
• 1:38:46
  the country, as I have to get back for the season, but a
• 1:38:50
  month should be ample. I was less than a month than India, and
• 1:38:56
  my dear friend, Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his America from Within after a stay
• 1:39:01
  of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Marty with me,
• 1:39:06
  but the poor boy gets so sick when he travels by train. I shall
• 1:39:11
  have to pick him up on my return. From where I sat, I
• 1:39:15
  could see Jeeves in the dining room laying the breakfast table. I wished I
• 1:39:21
  could have had a minute with him alone. I felt certain that he would
• 1:39:25
  have been able to think of some way of putting a stop to this woman.
• 1:39:30
  It will be such a relief to know that Marty is safe with you,
• 1:39:32
  mister Wooster. I know what the temptations of a great city are hitherto
• 1:39:39
  dear Marty has been sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in
• 1:39:43
  the country. I know that you will look after him carefully, mister Wooster.
• 1:39:48
  He will give very little trouble. She talked about the poor bliter as
• 1:39:54
  if he wasn't there, not that Marty seemed to mind. He had stopped
• 1:39:59
  chewing his walking stick and was sitting there with his mouth open. He is
• 1:40:04
  a vegetarian and a teetotler, and is devoted to reading. Give him a
• 1:40:11
  nice book and he will be quite contented. She got up. Thank you
• 1:40:16
  so much, mister Wooster. I don't know what I should have done without
• 1:40:20
  your help. Come, Marty. We have just time to see a few
• 1:40:25
  of the sights before my train goes, but I shall have to rely on
• 1:40:30
  you for most of my information about New York. Darling, be sure to
• 1:40:33
  keep your eyes open and take notes of your impressions. It will be such
• 1:40:39
  a help. Good Bye, mister Wooster. I will send Maty back early
• 1:40:44
  in the afternoon. They went out, and I howled for Jeeves. Jeeves,
• 1:40:51
  sir, what's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you.
• 1:40:58
  You were in the dining room most of the time. That pill is
• 1:41:01
  coming to stay here, pill, sir, the excretions. I beg your
• 1:41:10
  pardon, sir. I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't
• 1:41:15
  like him. Then I understood the man was really upset about that tie.
• 1:41:24
  He was trying to get his own back. Lord Pershaw will be staying here
• 1:41:29
  from tonight, Jeeves, I said, coldly, Very good, sir,
• 1:41:34
  Breakfast is ready, Sir. I could have sobbed into the bacon and eggs
• 1:41:42
  that there wasn't any sympathy to be got out of Jeeves was what put the
• 1:41:45
  lid on it. For a moment, I almost weakened and told him to
• 1:41:49
  destroy the hat and tie if he didn't like them. But I pulled myself
• 1:41:56
  together again. I was dashed if I was going to let Jeeves treat me
• 1:42:00
  like a bally one man chain gang. But what with brooding on Jeeves and
• 1:42:06
  brooding on Matty, I was in a pretty reduced sort of state. The
• 1:42:12
  more I examined the situation, the more blighted it became there was nothing I
• 1:42:17
  could do. If I slung Matty out, he would report to his mother
• 1:42:24
  and she would pass it on to aunt Agatha. And I didn't like to
• 1:42:28
  think what would happen then. Sooner or later I should be wanting to go
• 1:42:32
  back to England, and I didn't want to get there and find aunt Agatha
• 1:42:38
  waiting on the quay for me with a stuffed eel skin. There was absolutely
• 1:42:44
  nothing for it but to put the fellow up and make the best of it.
• 1:42:48
  About midday, Marty's luggage arrived, and soon afterwards a large parcel of
• 1:42:55
  what I took to be nice books. I brightened up a little when I
• 1:43:00
  saw it. It was one of those massive parcels and looked as if it
• 1:43:04
  had enough in it to keep him busy for a year. I felt a
• 1:43:09
  trifle more cheerful, and I got my Broadway Special and stuck it on my
• 1:43:14
  head, and gave the pink tie a twist, and reeled out to take
• 1:43:18
  a bite of lunch with one or two of the lads at a neighboring hostelry.
• 1:43:24
  And what with excellent browsing and sluicing and cheery conversation and what not,
• 1:43:30
  the afternoon passed quite happily. By dinner time, I had almost forgotten Maty's
• 1:43:36
  existence. I dined at the club and looked in at a show afterwards,
• 1:43:43
  and it wasn't till fairly late that I got back to the flat. There
• 1:43:46
  were no signs of Maty, and I took it that he had gone to
• 1:43:49
  bed. It seemed rummy to me, though, that the parcel of nice
• 1:43:55
  books was still there, with the string and paper on it. It looked
• 1:44:00
  as if Marty, after seeing mother off at the station, had decided to
• 1:44:03
  call it a day. Jeeves came in with the nightly whiskey and soda.
• 1:44:11
  I could tell by the chappy's manner that he was still upset. Lord Pershaw
• 1:44:16
  gone to bed, Jeeves, I asked, with reserved hautieur and what not?
• 1:44:24
  No, sir, his lordship has not yet returned, not returned,
• 1:44:30
  what do you mean? His lordship came in shortly after six thirty, and,
• 1:44:36
  having dressed, went out again. At this moment there was a noise
• 1:44:42
  outside the front door, a sort of scrabbling noise, as if somebody were
• 1:44:46
  trying to paw his way through the woodwork. Then a sort of third better
• 1:44:53
  go and see what that is, Jeeves, Very good, sir. He
• 1:44:58
  went out and came back. If you would not mind stepping this way,
• 1:45:03
  sir, I think we might be able to carry him in. Carry him
• 1:45:09
  in. His Lordship is lying on the mat, Sir. I went to
• 1:45:14
  the front door. The man was right. There was Marty huddled up outside
• 1:45:19
  on the floor. He was moaning a bit. He's had some sort of
• 1:45:25
  dashed fit, I said. I took another look, Jeeves. Someone's been
• 1:45:31
  feeding him meat, Sir. He's a vegetarian. You know. He must
• 1:45:39
  have been digging into a stake or something. Call up a doctor. I
• 1:45:44
  hardly think it will be necessary, sir, if you would take his lordship's
• 1:45:48
  legs while I great Scott Jeeves. You don't think he can't be I am
• 1:45:56
  inclined to think so, sir. And by Joe, he was right once
• 1:46:01
  on the right track. You couldn't mistake it. Marty was under the surface,
• 1:46:08
  completely sobbled. It was the deuce of a shock. You never can
• 1:46:14
  tell, Jeeves, very seldom, sir. Remove the eye of authority,
• 1:46:20
  and where are you, precisely, sir, where is my wondering boy tonight?
• 1:46:28
  And all that sort of thing. What it would seem so, sir,
• 1:46:33
  Well, we had better bring him in, eh, yes, sir.
• 1:46:40
  So we lugged him in and Jeeves put him to bed, and I
• 1:46:44
  lit a cigarette and sat down to think the thing over. I had a
• 1:46:48
  kind of foreboding. It seemed to me that I had let myself in for
• 1:46:54
  something pretty rocky. Next morning, after I had sucked down a thoughtful cup
• 1:46:59
  of tea, I went into Motty's room to investigate. I expected to find
• 1:47:04
  the fellow a wreck, but there he was, sitting up in bed,
• 1:47:09
  quite chirpy, reading gingery stories. What Ho, I said? What hell
• 1:47:17
  said? Marty? What Ho? What Ho? What Ho? What Ho?
• 1:47:23
  What Ho? After that, it seemed rather difficult to go on with
• 1:47:29
  the conversation. How are you feeling this morning? I asked tapping, replied
• 1:47:36
  Marty blithely and with abandon. I say, you know that fellow of yours,
• 1:47:43
  Jeeves, you know, is a corker. I had a most frightful
• 1:47:47
  headache when I woke up, and he brought me a sort of rummy dark
• 1:47:51
  drink, and it put me right again at once said it was his own
• 1:47:57
  invention. I must see more of that lad. He seems to me distinctly
• 1:48:01
  One of the ones. I couldn't believe that this was the same blighter who
• 1:48:08
  had sat and sucked his stick the day before. You ate something that disagreed
• 1:48:14
  with you last night, didn't you, I said, by way of giving
• 1:48:17
  him a chance to slide out of it if he wanted to. But he
• 1:48:21
  wouldn't have it at any price. No, he replied firmly. I didn't
• 1:48:29
  do anything of the kind. I drank too much, much, too much,
• 1:48:33
  lots and lots too much. And what's more, I'm going to do
• 1:48:38
  it again. I'm going to do it every night. If ever you see
• 1:48:43
  me sober, old top, he said, with a kind of holy exultation,
• 1:48:48
  tap me on the shoulder and say tut tut, and I'll apologize and
• 1:48:54
  remedy the defect. But I say, you know, what about me?
• 1:49:00
  What about you? Well, I'm so to speak as it were, kind
• 1:49:05
  of responsible for you. What I mean to say is, if you go
• 1:49:10
  doing this sort of thing, I'm up to get in the soup somewhat.
• 1:49:15
  I can't help your travels, said Marty firmly. Listen to me, old
• 1:49:19
  thing. This is the first time in my life that I've had a real
• 1:49:24
  chance to yield to the temptations of a great city. What's the use of
• 1:49:29
  a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them? Makes it so
• 1:49:34
  balid discouraging for the great city. Besides, mother told me to keep my
• 1:49:41
  eyes open and collect impressions. I sat on the edge of the bed.
• 1:49:47
  I felt dizzy. I know just how you feel, oh dear, said
• 1:49:54
  Marty consolingly, And if my principles would permit it, I would summerd for
• 1:50:00
  your sake. But duty first. This is the first time I've been let
• 1:50:04
  out alone, and I mean to make the most of it. We're only
• 1:50:10
  young once. Why interfere with life's morning? Young man? Rejoice in thy
• 1:50:16
  youth? Trella what ho? But like that, it did seem reasonable all
• 1:50:25
  my belly life, dear boy, Marty went on, I've been cooped up
• 1:50:30
  in the ancestral home at much Middlefold in Shropshire. Until you've been cooped up
• 1:50:35
  in much Middlefold, you don't know what cooping is. The Only time we
• 1:50:41
  get any excitement is when one of the choir boys is caught sucking chocolate during
• 1:50:45
  the sermon. When that happens, we talk about it for days. I've
• 1:50:50
  got about a month of New York, and I mean to start up a
• 1:50:55
  few happy memories for the long winter evenings. This is my only chance to
• 1:51:00
  collect a past and I'm going to do it. Now. Tell me old
• 1:51:04
  sport as man to man, How does one get in touch with that very
• 1:51:08
  decent bird Jeeves? Does one ring a bell or shout a bit? I
• 1:51:14
  should like to discuss the subject of a good stiff b and s with him.
• 1:51:18
  I had had a sort of vague idea. Don't you know that if
• 1:51:23
  I stuck close to Motty and went about the place with him, I might
• 1:51:27
  act as a bit of a damper on the gaiety. What I mean is
• 1:51:31
  I thought that if when he was being the life and soul of the party,
• 1:51:35
  he were to catch my reproving eye, he might ease up a trifle
• 1:51:40
  on the revelry. So the next night I took him along to supper with
• 1:51:45
  me. It was the last time. I'm a quiet, peaceful sort of
• 1:51:50
  bloke who has lived all his life in London, and I can't stand the
• 1:51:56
  pasties. Swift sportsman from the rural districts say. What I mean to say
• 1:52:01
  is I'm all for rational enjoyment and so forth, But I think a chapion
• 1:52:06
  makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft boiled eggs at the electric fan. And
• 1:52:13
  decent mirth and all that sort of thing are all right, But I do
• 1:52:17
  bar dancing on tables and having to dash all over the place, dodging waiters,
• 1:52:24
  managers and chuckers out just when you want to sit still and digest directly.
• 1:52:30
  I managed to tear myself away that night and get home. I made
• 1:52:35
  up my mind that this was jolly well. The last time that I went
• 1:52:40
  about with Marty. The only time I met him late at night after that
• 1:52:45
  was once when I passed the door of a fairly low down sort of restaurant
• 1:52:49
  and had to step aside to dodge him as he sailed through the air en
• 1:52:54
  route for the opposite pavement, with a muscular sort of looking fellow peering out
• 1:53:00
  after him with a kind of gloomy satisfaction. In a way, I couldn't
• 1:53:04
  help sympathizing with the chap He had about four weeks to have the good time
• 1:53:10
  that ought to have been spread over about ten years, and I didn't wonder
• 1:53:15
  at his wanting to be pretty busy. I should have been just the same
• 1:53:18
  in his place. Still there was no denying that it was a bit thick.
• 1:53:25
  If it hadn't been for the thought of Lady Malvern and Aunt Agatha in
• 1:53:29
  the background, I should have regarded Matty's rapid work with an indulgent smile.
• 1:53:34
  But I couldn't get rid of the feeling that sooner or later I was the
• 1:53:40
  lad who was scheduled to get it behind the ear. And what with brooding
• 1:53:45
  on this prospect and sitting up in the old flat waiting for the familiar footstep,
• 1:53:49
  and putting it to bed when it got there, and stealing into the
• 1:53:54
  sick chamber next morning to contemplate the wreckage, I was beginning to lose weight,
• 1:54:00
  absolutely becoming the good old shadow, I give you my honest word.
• 1:54:04
  Starting at sudden noises and what not, and no sympathy from Jeeves. That
• 1:54:12
  was what cut me to the quick. The man was still thoroughly pipped about
• 1:54:15
  the hat and tie and simply wouldn't rally round. One morning, I wanted
• 1:54:23
  comforting so much that I sank the pride of the woostas and appealed to the
• 1:54:28
  fellow direct Jeeves. I said, this is getting a bit thick, sir,
• 1:54:36
  you know what I mean? This lad seems to have chucked all the
• 1:54:41
  principles of a well spent boyhood. He has got it up his nose.
• 1:54:46
  Yes, sir, well, I shall get blamed, don't you know?
• 1:54:51
  You know what my aunt Agatha is? Yes, sir very well. Then
• 1:55:00
  waited a moment, but he wouldn't unbend jeeves. I said, haven't you
• 1:55:05
  any scheme up your sleeve for coping with this blighter? No, sir,
• 1:55:12
  and he shimmered off to his lair, obstinate devil, so dashed absurd.
• 1:55:18
  Don't you know? It wasn't as if there was anything wrong with that Broadway
• 1:55:24
  special hat. It was a remarkably priceless effort and much admired by the lads.
• 1:55:30
  But just because he preferred the White House, wonder, he left me
• 1:55:34
  flat. It was shortly after this that young Marty got the idea of bringing
• 1:55:42
  pals back in the small hours to continue the gay rebels in the home.
• 1:55:47
  This was where I began to crack under the strain. You see, the
• 1:55:53
  part of town where I was living wasn't the right place for that sort of
• 1:55:56
  thing. I knew lots of chappies down Washington Square away who started the evening
• 1:56:01
  at about two a m artists and writers and so forth, who frolicked considerably
• 1:56:08
  till checked by the arrival of the morning milk. That was all right.
• 1:56:14
  They liked that sort of thing down there. The neighbors can't get to sleep
• 1:56:17
  unless there's some one dancing Hawaiian dances over their heads. But on fifty seventh
• 1:56:24
  Street the atmosphere wasn't right. And when Marty turned up at three in the
• 1:56:29
  morning with a collection of hearty lads who only stopped singing their college song when
• 1:56:34
  they started singing the old oaken Bucket, there was a marked peevishness among the
• 1:56:40
  old settlers in the flats. The management was extremely terse over the telephone at
• 1:56:45
  breakfast time, and took a lot of soothing. The next night, I
• 1:56:50
  came home early after a lonely dinner at a place which I'd chosen because there
• 1:56:57
  didn't seem any chance of meeting Marty there. The sitting room was quite dark,
• 1:57:02
  and I was just moving to switch on the light when there was a
• 1:57:05
  sort of explosion and something collared hold of my trouser leg. Living with Marty
• 1:57:12
  had reduced me to such an extent that I was simply unable to cope with
• 1:57:15
  this thing. I jumped backward with a loud yell of anguish and tumbled out
• 1:57:21
  into the hall, just as Jeeves came out of his den to see what
• 1:57:25
  the matter was. Did you call, Sir Jeeves, there's something in there
• 1:57:30
  that grabs you by the leg. That would be Rollo, sir, eh,
• 1:57:38
  I would have warned you of his presence, but I did not hear
• 1:57:41
  you come in. His temper is a little uncertain at pleasent, as he
• 1:57:45
  has not yet settled down who the deuce is Rolo his Lordship's bull terrier.
• 1:57:54
  Sir, his lordship won him in a raffle and tied him to the leg
• 1:57:59
  of the table. If you will allow me, sir, I will go
• 1:58:02
  in and switch on the light. There really is nobody like Jeeves. He
• 1:58:10
  walked straight into the sitting room, the biggest feat since Daniel and the lions
• 1:58:15
  den without a quiver. What's more, his magnetism or whatever they call it,
• 1:58:20
  was such that the dashed animal, instead of penning him by the leg,
• 1:58:25
  calmed down as if he had had a bromide, and rolled over on
• 1:58:29
  his back with all his paws in the air. If Jeeves had been his
• 1:58:33
  rich uncle, he couldn't have been more chummy. Yet directly he caught sight
• 1:58:39
  of me again, he got all worked up and seemed to have only one
• 1:58:44
  idea in life to start chewing me where he had left off. Rollo is
• 1:58:50
  not used to you yet, sir, said Jeeves, regarding the ballyt quadruped
• 1:58:56
  in an admiring sort of way. He is an excellent watchdog. I don't
• 1:59:02
  want a watch dog to keep me out of my rooms, no, sir,
• 1:59:09
  Well, what am I to do? No doubt? In time the
• 1:59:14
  animal will learn to discriminate, sir. He will learn to distinguish your peculiar
• 1:59:19
  scent. What do you mean my peculiar scent? Correct the impression that I
• 1:59:26
  intend to hang about in the hall while life slips by, in the hope
• 1:59:30
  that one of these days that dashed animal will decide that I smell all right?
• 1:59:35
  I thought for a bit, Jeeves, sir, I'm going away tomorrow
• 1:59:44
  morning by the first train. I shall go and stop with mister Todd in
• 1:59:47
  the country. Do you wish me to accompany you, sir? No,
• 1:59:55
  very good, sir. I don't know when I shall be back. How
• 2:00:00
  would my letters? Yes, sir. As a matter of fact, I
• 2:00:05
  was back within the week. Raky Todd, the pal I went to stay
• 2:00:10
  with, is a rummy sort of a chap who lives all alone in the
• 2:00:14
  wilds of Long Island and likes it. But a little of that sort of
• 2:00:18
  thing goes a long way with me. Dear old Raki is one of the
• 2:00:24
  best. But after a few days in his cottage in the woods, miles
• 2:00:29
  away from anywhere New York, even with Marty on the premises, began to
• 2:00:33
  look pretty good to me. The days down on Long Island have forty eight
• 2:00:39
  hours in them. You can't get to sleep at night because of the bellowing
• 2:00:44
  of the crickets, and you have to walk two miles for a drink and
• 2:00:48
  six for an evening paper. I thanked Rake for his kind hospitality and caught
• 2:00:55
  the only train they have down in those parts. It landed me New York
• 2:01:00
  about dinner time. I went straight to the old flat. Jeeves came out
• 2:01:05
  of his lair. I looked round cautiously for Rolo, where's that dog,
• 2:01:13
  Jeeves? Have you got him tied up? The animal is no longer here,
• 2:01:17
  sir. His lordship gave him to the porter who sold him. His
• 2:01:23
  lordship took a prejudice against the animal on account of being bitten by him in
• 2:01:28
  the calf of the leg. I don't think I've ever been so bucked by
• 2:01:32
  a bit of news. I felt I had misjudged Rollo. Evidently, when
• 2:01:39
  you got to know him better, he had a lot of good in him.
• 2:01:44
  Fine, I said, is Lord Pershaw in jeeves? No, sir,
• 2:01:51
  do you expect him back to dinner? No, sir? Where is
• 2:01:58
  he in prison? Sir? In prison? Yes, sir, you don't
• 2:02:05
  mean in prison, yes, sir. I lowered myself into a chair.
• 2:02:15
  Why I said he assaulted a constable, Sir, Lord Pershaw assaulted a constable,
• 2:02:26
  Yes, Sir, I digested this. But Jeeves, I say,
• 2:02:33
  this is frightful, Sir. What will Lady Malvern say when she finds out?
• 2:02:42
  I do not fancy that her ladyship will find out, sir, but
• 2:02:45
  she'll come back and want to know where he is. I rather fancy,
• 2:02:51
  Sir, that his Lordship's bit of time will have run out by then.
• 2:02:56
  But supposing it hasn't, In that, Sir, it may be judicious to
• 2:03:01
  prevaricate a little. How if I might make a suggestion, Sir, I
• 2:03:10
  should inform her Ladyship that his Lordship has left for a short visit to Boston.
• 2:03:15
  Why Boston very interesting and respectable center, Sir, Jeeves, I believe
• 2:03:24
  you've hit it. I fancy so, sir. Why this is really the
• 2:03:30
  best thing that could have happened. If this hadn't turned up to prevent him,
• 2:03:35
  young Marty would have been in a sanatorium by the time Lady Malvern got
• 2:03:40
  back, exactly, Sir. The more I looked at it in that way,
• 2:03:46
  the sounder this prison wheeze seemed to me. There was no doubt in
• 2:03:51
  the world that prison was just what the doctor ordered for Marty. It was
• 2:03:57
  the only thing that could have pulled him up. I was sorry for the
• 2:04:00
  poor blighter, but after all, I reflected, a fellow who had lived
• 2:04:05
  all his life with Lady Malvern in a small village in the interior of Shropshire
• 2:04:11
  wouldn't have much to kick at in a prison. Altogether. I began to
• 2:04:15
  feel absolutely braced again. Life became like what the poet Johnny says one grand
• 2:04:23
  sweet song. Things went on so comfortably and peacefully for a couple of weeks
• 2:04:30
  that I give you my word, that I'd almost forgotten such a person as
• 2:04:33
  Marty existed. The only flaw in the scheme of things was that Jeeves were
• 2:04:39
  still pained and distant. It wasn't anything he said or did, mind you,
• 2:04:45
  but there was a remy something about him all the time. Once,
• 2:04:50
  when I was tying the pink tie, I caught sight of him in the
• 2:04:54
  looking glass. There was a kind of grieved look in his eye. And
• 2:05:00
  then Lady Malvern came back a good bit ahead of schedule. I hadn't been
• 2:05:05
  expecting her for days. I'd forgotten how time had been slipping along. She
• 2:05:12
  turned up one morning while I was still in bed, sipping tea and thinking
• 2:05:15
  of this and that. Jeeves flowed in with the announcement that he had just
• 2:05:20
  loosed her into the sitting room. I draped a few garments round me and
• 2:05:26
  went in there. She was sitting in the same arm chair, looking as
• 2:05:31
  massive as ever. The only difference was that she didn't uncover the teeth as
• 2:05:38
  she had done the first time. Good morning, I said, so you've
• 2:05:43
  got back what I have got back. There was something sort of bleak about
• 2:05:50
  her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I
• 2:05:56
  took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn't breakfas It's only after
• 2:06:01
  a bit of breakfast that I am able to regard the world with that sunny,
• 2:06:05
  cheeriness which makes a fellow the universal favorite. I'm never much of a
• 2:06:12
  lad till I've engulfed an egg or two and a beaker of coffee. I
• 2:06:16
  suppose you haven't breakfasted. I have not yet breakfasted. Won't you have an
• 2:06:24
  egg or something? Or sausage or something or something? No, thank you,
• 2:06:32
  She spoke, as if she belonged to an anti sausage society or a
• 2:06:36
  league for the suppression of eggs. There was a bit of a silence.
• 2:06:43
  I called on you last night, she said, but you were out awfully
• 2:06:48
  sorry, had a pleasant trip, extremely thank you. See everything Niagara Falls,
• 2:06:58
  Yellowstone Park, and the jolly old Grand Canyon and what not. I
• 2:07:02
  saw a great deal. There was another slightly frape silence. Jeeves floated silently
• 2:07:13
  into the dining room and began to lay the breakfast table. I hope Wilmot
• 2:07:17
  was not in your way, mister Wooster. I had been wondering when she
• 2:07:23
  was going to mention Marty rather not great pals hid it off splendidly. You
• 2:07:31
  were his constant companion, then, absolutely We were always together, saw all
• 2:07:39
  the sights, don't you know. We'd take in the Museum of Art in
• 2:07:43
  the morning, and have a bit of lunch at some good vegetarian place,
• 2:07:46
  and then toddle along to a sacred concert in the afternoon, and home to
• 2:07:53
  an early dinner. We usually played dominoes after dinner, and then the early
• 2:07:59
  bed and the refreshing sleep. We had a great time. I was awfully
• 2:08:05
  sorry when he went away to Boston. Oh, will martyrs in Boston?
• 2:08:11
  Yes, I ought to have let you know, But of course we didn't
• 2:08:15
  know where you were. You were dodging all over the place like a snipe,
• 2:08:20
  I mean, don't you know, dodging all over the place, and
• 2:08:24
  we couldn't get at you. Yes, Marty went off to Boston. You're
• 2:08:30
  sure he went to Boston. Oh? Absolutely, I called out to Jeeves,
• 2:08:37
  who was now messing about in the next room with Fox and so forth.
• 2:08:41
  Jeeves, Lord Pershaw didn't change his mind about going to Boston, did
• 2:08:46
  he, No, Sir, I thought I was right, Yes, Marty
• 2:08:52
  went to Boston. Then how do you account, mister Wooster for the fact
• 2:08:58
  that when I went yesterday afternoon to Blackwell's Island, prison to secure material for
• 2:09:03
  my book. I saw poor dear Wilmot there, dressed in a striped suit,
• 2:09:11
  seated beside a pile of stones, with a hammer in his hands.
• 2:09:16
  I tried to think of something to say, but nothing came. The fellow
• 2:09:22
  has to be a lot broader about the forehead than I am to handle a
• 2:09:26
  jolt like this. I strained the old bean till it creaked, but between
• 2:09:31
  the collar and the hair parting, nothing stirred. I was dumb, which
• 2:09:37
  was lucky, because I wouldn't have had a chance to get any persiflage out
• 2:09:41
  of my system. Lady Malvern collared the conversation. She had been bottling it
• 2:09:48
  up, and now it came out with a rush. So this is how
• 2:09:54
  you have looked after my poor dear boy, mister Wooster, So this is
• 2:09:58
  how you have abused my trust. I left him in your charge, thinking
• 2:10:03
  that I could rely on you to shield him from evil. He came to
• 2:10:07
  you, innocent, unversed in the ways of the world, confiding, unused
• 2:10:11
  to the temptations of a large city, and you let him astray. I
• 2:10:18
  hadn't any remarks to make. All I could think of was the picture of
• 2:10:22
  Aunt Agatha, drinking all this in and reaching out to sharpen the hatchet against
• 2:10:28
  my return you deliberately far away in the misty distance, A soft voice spoke,
• 2:10:39
  if I might explain your ladyship, Jeeves had projected himself in from the
• 2:10:46
  dining room and materialized on the rug. Lady Malvern tried to freeze him with
• 2:10:52
  a look. But you can't do that sort of thing with Jeeves. He
• 2:10:56
  is look proof. I fancy your ladyship that you may have misunderstood mister Wooster,
• 2:11:03
  and that he may have given you the impression that he was in New
• 2:11:07
  York when his lordship was removed. When mister Wooster informed your Ladyship that his
• 2:11:15
  lordship had gone to Boston, he was relying on the version I had given
• 2:11:20
  him of his lordship's movements. Mister Wooster was away visiting a friend in the
• 2:11:26
  country at the time and knew nothing of the matter till your Ladyship informed him.
• 2:11:33
  Lady Malvern gave a kind of grunt. It didn't rattle Jeeves. I
• 2:11:41
  feared mister Wooster might be disturbed if he knew the truth, as he is
• 2:11:45
  so attached to his lordship and has taken such pains to look after him,
• 2:11:50
  so I took the liberty of telling him that his lordship had gone away for
• 2:11:56
  a visit. It might have been hard for mister Wooster to believe that his
• 2:12:01
  lordship had gone to prison voluntarily and from the best motives, But your Ladyship,
• 2:12:07
  knowing him better, will readily understand what Lady Malvern goggled at him.
• 2:12:15
  Did you say that Lord Pershaw went to prison voluntarily? If I might explain,
• 2:12:22
  your ladyship, I think that your Ladyship's parting words made a deep impression
• 2:12:28
  on his lordship. I have frequently heard him speak to mister Wooster of his
• 2:12:33
  desire to do something to follow your Ladyship's instructions and collect material for your Ladyship's
• 2:12:41
  book on America. Mister Wooster will bear me out when I say that his
• 2:12:46
  lordship was frequently extremely depressed at the thought that he was doing so little to
• 2:12:52
  help. Absolutely, by Jove, quite pipped about it. I said,
• 2:12:58
  the idea of making a personal examination into the prison system of the country from
• 2:13:05
  within occurred to his lordship very suddenly one night. He embraced it eagerly.
• 2:13:13
  There was no restraining him. Lady Malvern looked at Jeeves, then at me,
• 2:13:20
  then at Jeeves again. I could see her struggling with the thing.
• 2:13:26
  Surely, your ladyship, said Jeeves. It is more reasonable to suppose that
• 2:13:31
  a gentleman of his lordship's character went to prison of his own volition than that
• 2:13:37
  he committed some reach of the law which necessitated his arrest. Lady Malvern blinked.
• 2:13:43
  Then she got up, mister Wooster, she said, I apologize,
• 2:13:50
  I have done you an injustice. I should have known Wilmot better. I
• 2:13:56
  should have had more faith in his pure, fine spirit. Absolutely, I
• 2:14:01
  said, your breakfast is ready, sir, said Jeeves. I sat down
• 2:14:09
  and dallied in a dazed sort of way with a poached egg. Jeeves,
• 2:14:16
  I said, you are certainly a life saver. Thank you, sir.
• 2:14:22
  Nothing would have convinced my aunt Agatha that I hadn't lured that blighter into riotous
• 2:14:28
  living. I fancy you are right, sir. I chumped my egg for
• 2:14:35
  a bit. I was most awfully moved, don't you know. By the
• 2:14:39
  way Jeeves had rallied round. Something seemed to tell me that this was an
• 2:14:45
  occasion that called for rich rewards. For a moment, I hesitated, then
• 2:14:50
  I made up my mind. Jeeves, Sir, that pink tie, yes,
• 2:15:00
  sir, burn it, thank you, sir. And Jeeves, yes,
• 2:15:07
  sir, take a taxi and get me that white House wonder hat as
• 2:15:13
  worn by President Coolidge. Thank you very much, Sir. I felt most
• 2:15:20
  awfully braced. I felt as if the clouds had rolled away and all was
• 2:15:26
  as it used to be. I felt like one of those chappies in the
• 2:15:30
  novels who calls off the fight with his wife in the last chapter and decides
• 2:15:35
  to forget and forgive. I felt I wanted to do all sorts of other
• 2:15:39
  things to show Jeeves that I appreciated him. Jeeves, I said, it
• 2:15:46
  isn't enough. Is there anything else you would like? Yes, Sir,
• 2:15:52
  If I may make the suggestion, fifty dollars, fifty dollars, it will
• 2:16:00
  enable me to pay a debt of honor, Sir, I owe it to
• 2:16:05
  his lordship, you, o, Lord Parshaw, fifty dollars, Yes,
• 2:16:11
  Sir. I happened to meet him in the street the night his lordship was
• 2:16:15
  arrested. I had been thinking a good deal about the most suitable method of
• 2:16:20
  inducing him to abandon his mode of living. Sir, his lordship was a
• 2:16:24
  little over excited at the time, and I fancied that he mistook me for
• 2:16:30
  a friend of his. At any rate, when I took the liberty of
• 2:16:35
  wagering him fifty dollars that he would not punch a passing policeman in the eye,
• 2:16:41
  he accepted the bet very cordially and won it. I produced my pocket
• 2:16:46
  book and counted out a hundred. Take this, Jeeves, I said,
• 2:16:52
  fifty isn't enough. Do you know, Jeeves, your will you absolutely stand
• 2:17:01
  alone? I endeavor to give satisfactions, sir, said Jeeves, Jeeves and
• 2:17:11
  the hard boiled egg. Sometimes of a morning, as I've sat in bed,
• 2:17:16
  sucking down the early cup of tea and watched Jeeves flitting about the room
• 2:17:20
  and putting out the raiment for the day, I've wondered what the deuce I
• 2:17:24
  should do if a fellow ever took it into his head to leave me.
• 2:17:28
  It's not so bad when I'm in New York, but in London the anxiety
• 2:17:33
  is frightful. There used to be all sorts of attempts on the part of
• 2:17:37
  low blighters to sneak him away from me. Young Reggie Folgen, to my
• 2:17:41
  certain knowledge, offered him double what I was giving him. And the laster
• 2:17:46
  Bingham Reeves, who's got a valet who's been known to press his trousers sideways,
• 2:17:50
  used to look at him when he came to see me, with a
• 2:17:54
  kind of glittering, hungry eye, which disturbed me deucedly, boly pirate.
• 2:18:01
  The thing you see is that Jeeves is so dashed competent. You can spot
• 2:18:05
  it even in the way he shoved studs into a shirt. I rely on
• 2:18:11
  him absolutely in every crisis, and he never lets me down. And what's
• 2:18:16
  more, he can always be counted on to extend himself on behalf of any
• 2:18:20
  pal of mine who happens to be, to all appearances, knee deep in
• 2:18:24
  the bullyon. Take the rather rummy case, for instance, of dear old
• 2:18:30
  Bicky and his uncle the hard Boiled Egg. It happened after I'd been in
• 2:18:35
  America for a few months. I got back to the flat Ladish one night,
• 2:18:39
  and when Jeeves brought me the final drink, he said, mister Bickersteth
• 2:18:45
  called to see you this evening, sir, while you were out, Oh,
• 2:18:48
  I said twice, sir. He appeared a trifle agitated. What pipped
• 2:18:58
  he gave that impression, Sir, I sipped the whiskey. I was sorry
• 2:19:03
  if Bicky was in trouble, but as a matter of fact, I was
• 2:19:07
  rather glad to have something I could discuss freely with Jeeves just then, because
• 2:19:11
  things had been a bit strained between us for some time, and it had
• 2:19:15
  been rather difficult to hit on anything to talk about that wasn't apt to take
• 2:19:18
  a personal turn. You see, I had decided, rightly or wrongly,
• 2:19:24
  to grow a mustache, and this had cut Jeeves to the quick. He
• 2:19:28
  couldn't stick the thing at any price, and I'd been living ever since in
• 2:19:33
  an atmosphere of folly disapproval till I was getting jolly well fed up with it.
• 2:19:37
  What I mean is, while there's no doubt that in certain matters of
• 2:19:41
  dress, Jeeves's judgment is absolutely sound and should be followed, it seemed to
• 2:19:46
  me that it was getting a bit too thick if he was going to edit
• 2:19:50
  my face as well as my costume. No one can call me an unreasonable
• 2:19:54
  chappie. And many's the time I've given in like a lamb when Jeeves has
• 2:19:58
  voted against one of my pet suits or ties. But when it comes to
• 2:20:03
  a valet's staking out a claim on your upper lip. You've simply got to
• 2:20:07
  have a bit of the good old bulldog pluck and defy the blighter. He
• 2:20:11
  said that he would call again later, sir. Something must be up Jeeves.
• 2:20:16
  Yes, Sir. I gave the mustache a thought for twirl. It
• 2:20:22
  seemed to hurt Jeeves a good deal, so I chucked it. I see
• 2:20:26
  by the paper, sir, that mister Bickerstet's uncle is arriving on the Carmantic.
• 2:20:33
  Yes, his grace, the Duke of Chiswick, Sir. This was
• 2:20:39
  news to me that Bicky's uncle was a Duke Roum. How little one knows
• 2:20:43
  about one's pals. I had met Bickie for the first time at a species
• 2:20:48
  of bino or jamboree down in Washington Square not long after my arrival in New
• 2:20:54
  York. I suppose I was a bit homesick of the time, and I
• 2:20:56
  rather took to Bickie when I found out he was an Englishman and had in
• 2:21:01
  fact been up at Oxford with me. Besides, he was a frightful chump,
• 2:21:07
  so we naturally drifted together, and while we were taking a quiet snort
• 2:21:11
  in a corner that wasn't all cluttered up with artists and sculptors. He furthermore
• 2:21:16
  endeared himself to me by a most extraordinarily gifted imitation of a bull terrier chasing
• 2:21:22
  a cat up a tree. But though we had subsequently become extremely pally,
• 2:21:26
  all I really knew about him was that he was generally hard up and had
• 2:21:31
  an uncle who relieved the strain a bit from time to time by sending him
• 2:21:35
  monthly remittances. If the Duke of Chiswick is his uncle, I said,
• 2:21:41
  why hasn't he a title? Why isn't he lord? What not? Mister
• 2:21:46
  Bickersteth is the son of his grace's late sister, Sir, who married Captain
• 2:21:52
  Rollo Bickersteth of the Coldstream Guards. Jeeves knows everything. Bigger Stef's father dead
• 2:22:01
  too, Yes, Sir, leave any money, no, Sir. I
• 2:22:09
  began to understand why poor old Bickie was always more or less on the rocks.
• 2:22:13
  To the casual and irreflective observer, it may sound a pretty good weeze
• 2:22:18
  having a duke for an uncle, But the trouble about Old Chiswick was that,
• 2:22:22
  though an extremely wealthy old buster, owning half London in about five counties
• 2:22:28
  up North. He was notoriously the most prudent spender in England. He was
• 2:22:33
  what Americans call a hard boiled egg. If Bickie's people hadn't left him anything,
• 2:22:39
  and he depended on what he could prize out of the old Duke,
• 2:22:41
  he was in a pretty bad way. Not that that explained why he was
• 2:22:46
  hunting me like this, because he was a chap who never borrowed money.
• 2:22:50
  He said he wanted to keep his pals, so never bid anyone's ear on
• 2:22:54
  principle. At this juncture the doorbell rang. Jeeves floated out to answer it.
• 2:23:03
  Yes, sir, mister Wooster has just returned, I heard him say,
• 2:23:07
  And Bicky came beetling in, looking pretty sorry for himself. Oh,
• 2:23:13
  Bicky, I said. Jeeves told me you'd been trying to get me.
• 2:23:16
  What's the trouble, Bickie. I'm in a hole, Bertie. I want
• 2:23:20
  your advice, say on, old lad. My uncle's turning up tomorrow,
• 2:23:24
  Bertie. So Jeeves told me the Duke of Cheswick, you know, so,
• 2:23:31
  Jeeves told me. Picky seemed a bit surprised. Jeeves seems to know
• 2:23:37
  everything rather rumily. That's exactly what I was thinking just now, myself.
• 2:23:43
  Well, I wish, said Picky gloomily, that he knew a way to
• 2:23:46
  get me out of the hole I'm in. Mister Bicker's death is in a
• 2:23:50
  hole, Jeeves, I said, and wants you to rally round. Very
• 2:23:56
  good, sir, Bicky looked a bit doubtful. Well, of course,
• 2:24:01
  you know, Bertie, this thing is by way of being a bit private
• 2:24:05
  and all that. I shouldn't worry about that, old top. I bet
• 2:24:09
  Jeeves knows all about it already, know you, Jeeves, Yes, sir,
• 2:24:15
  hey, said Bicky rattled. I am open to correction, sir,
• 2:24:20
  but is not your dilemma Due to the fact that you are at a loss
• 2:24:24
  to explain to His Grace why you are in New York instead of in Colorado,
• 2:24:31
  Bicky rocked like a jelly in a high wind. How the deuce do
• 2:24:35
  you know anything about it? I chanced to meet His Grace's butler before we
• 2:24:39
  left England. He informed me that he happened to overhear His Grace speaking to
• 2:24:45
  you on the matter, sir. As he passed the library door, Bicky
• 2:24:50
  gave a hollow sort of laugh. Well, as everyone seems to know all
• 2:24:56
  about it, there's no need to try to keep it dark. Old boy
• 2:25:00
  turfed me out, Bertie, because he said I was a brainless nincome boop.
• 2:25:05
  The idea was that he would give me a remittance on condition that I
• 2:25:09
  dashed out to some blighted locality of the name of Colorado and learned farming or
• 2:25:15
  ranching or whatever they call it at some baldy ranch or farm or whatever it's
• 2:25:20
  called. I didn't fancy the idea a bit. I should have had to
• 2:25:26
  ride horses and pursue cows and so forth at the same time. Don't you
• 2:25:31
  know I had to have that remittance. I get you absolutely old thing.
• 2:25:37
  Well. When I got to New York, it looked a decent sort of
• 2:25:41
  place to me, so I thought it would be a pretty sound notion to
• 2:25:45
  stop here. So I cabled to my uncle, telling him that I dropped
• 2:25:50
  into a good business wheeze in the city and wanted to chuck the ranch idea.
• 2:25:56
  He wrote back that it was all right, and here I've been ever
• 2:25:58
  since. He thinks I'm doing well at something or other over here. I
• 2:26:03
  never dreamed, don't you know that he would ever come out here? What
• 2:26:09
  on earth am I to do? Jeeves, I said, what on earth?
• 2:26:13
  Is mister Bickerstath to do you see, said Bickie. I had a
• 2:26:18
  wireless from him to say that he was coming to stay with me to save
• 2:26:22
  hotel bills. I suppose I've always given him the impression that I was living
• 2:26:28
  in pretty good style. I can't have him to stay at my boarding house.
• 2:26:33
  Thought of anything, Jeeves, I said, to what extent, sir?
• 2:26:37
  If the question is not a delicate one, are you prepared to assist
• 2:26:43
  mister Bickersteath. I'll do anything I can for you, of course, Bickie,
• 2:26:46
  old man. Then if I might make the suggestion, sir, you
• 2:26:52
  might lend mister Bickersteath. No, by jove, said Bickie firmly. I've
• 2:26:58
  never touched you, Bertie, and I'm not going to start now. I
• 2:27:01
  may be a chump, but it's my boast that I don't owe a penny
• 2:27:05
  to a single soul, not counting tradesman. Of course, I was about
• 2:27:09
  to suggest, sir, that you might lend mister Bickersteth this flat. Mister
• 2:27:16
  Bickersteath could give his grace the impression that he was the owner of it.
• 2:27:20
  With your permission, I could convey the notion that I was in mister Bickersteth's
• 2:27:24
  employment, and not in yours. You would be residing here temporarily as mister
• 2:27:30
  Bickersteth's guest. His Grace would occupy the second spare bedroom. I fancy that
• 2:27:37
  you would find this answer satisfactory, Sir. Biggie had stopped rocking himself and
• 2:27:43
  was staring at Jeeves in an odd sort of way. I would advocate the
• 2:27:48
  dispatching of a wireless message to his grace on board the vessel, notifying him
• 2:27:54
  of the change of address. Mister Bickerstath could meet his grace at the dock
• 2:28:00
  and proceed directly here. Will that meet the situation? Sir? Absolutely?
• 2:28:07
  Thank you, Sir VICKI followed him with his eye until the door closed.
• 2:28:13
  How does he do it, Bertie? He said, I'll tell you what
• 2:28:18
  I think it is. I believe it's something to do with the shape of
• 2:28:20
  his head. Have you ever noticed his head, Bertie, old man,
• 2:28:24
  it sort of sticks out at the back. I hopped out of bed pretty
• 2:28:30
  early next morning so as to be among those present when the old boy should
• 2:28:33
  arrive. I knew from experience that these ocean liners fetch up at the dock
• 2:28:37
  at a deucedly ungodly hour. It wasn't much after nine by the time I
• 2:28:41
  dressed and had my morning tea, and was leaning out of the window watching
• 2:28:46
  the street for Bicky and his uncle. It was one of those jolly,
• 2:28:50
  peaceful mornings that make it chappy. Wish he had got a soul or something.
• 2:28:54
  And I was just brooding on life in general when I became aware of
• 2:28:56
  the dickens of a spat in progress down. A taxi had driven up,
• 2:29:01
  and an old boy in a top hat had got out and was kicking up
• 2:29:05
  a frightful row about the fair. As far as I could make out,
• 2:29:09
  he was trying to get the cabby to switch from New York to London prices,
• 2:29:13
  and the cabby had apparently never heard of London before and didn't seem to
• 2:29:16
  think a lot of it now. The old boy said that in London the
• 2:29:20
  trip would have set him back a shilling, and the cabby said he should
• 2:29:24
  worry. I called the Jeeves. The Duke has arrived. Jeeves, yes,
• 2:29:31
  sir, that'll be him at the door now. Jeeves made a long
• 2:29:35
  arm and opened the front door, and the old boy crawled in. How
• 2:29:39
  do you do, sir, I said, bustling up and being the ray
• 2:29:43
  of sunshine. Your nephew went down to the dock to meet you, but
• 2:29:46
  you must have missed him. My name's Wooster, don't you know, great
• 2:29:50
  pal of bickies and all that sort of thing. I'm staying with him,
• 2:29:54
  you know. Would you like a cup of tea? Jeeves, bring a
• 2:29:56
  cup of tea? Old Chiswick had sunk into an armchair and was looking about
• 2:30:03
  the room. Does this luxurious flat belong to my nephew, Francis? Absolutely
• 2:30:11
  it must be terribly expensive. Pretty well, of course everything costs a lot
• 2:30:16
  over here, you know, he moaned. Jeeves filtered in with the tea.
• 2:30:22
  Old Chiswick took a stab at it to restore his tissues, and nodded,
• 2:30:28
  A terrible country, mister Wooster, A terrible country, nearly eight shillings
• 2:30:33
  for a short cab drive iniquitous. He took another look around the room.
• 2:30:39
  It seemed to fascinate him. Have you any idea how much my nephew pays
• 2:30:43
  for this flat, mister Wooster? About two hundred dollars a month? I
• 2:30:48
  believe what forty pounds a month? I began to see that unless I made
• 2:30:56
  the thing a bit more plausible the scheme might turn out. Frost I could
• 2:31:01
  guess what the old boy was thinking. He was trying to square all this
• 2:31:05
  prosperity with what he knew of poor old Bickie, and one had to admit
• 2:31:09
  that it took a lot of squaring for dear old Bicky, though a stout
• 2:31:13
  fellow and absolutely unrivaled as an imitator of bull terriers and cats, was in
• 2:31:20
  many ways one of the most pronounced fat heads that ever pulled on a suit
• 2:31:24
  of gents underwear. I suppose it seems rummy to you, I said,
• 2:31:28
  But the fact is New York often Bucks follows up and makes them show a
• 2:31:31
  bit of flash of speed that you wouldn't have imagined them capable of. It
• 2:31:35
  sort of develops them something in the air, don't you know. I imagine
• 2:31:39
  that Bickie in the past, when you knew him, may have been something
• 2:31:43
  of a chump, but it's quite different now, devilish, efficient, sort
• 2:31:48
  of a bird, and looked on in commercial circles as quite the nib.
• 2:31:52
  I am amazed. What is the nature of my nephew's business, mister Wooster,
• 2:31:58
  Oh, just business, don't you know? The same sort of thing?
• 2:32:01
  Rockefeller and all those coves, do you know. I slid for the
• 2:32:05
  door awfully. Sorry to leave you, but I've got to meet some of
• 2:32:09
  the lads elsewhere. Coming out of the lift, I met Bicky bustling in
• 2:32:13
  from the street. Hello, Bertie, I missed him as he turned up.
• 2:32:18
  He's upstairs now having some tea. What does he think of it all?
• 2:32:22
  He's absolutely rattled ripping. I'll be toddling up the tulu, Bertie,
• 2:32:28
  old man, See you later, Pip, Bickie, dear boy. He
• 2:32:35
  trotted off, full of merriment and good cheer, and I went off to
• 2:32:39
  the club to sit in the window and watch the traffic coming up one way
• 2:32:41
  and going down the other. It was latest in the evening when I looked
• 2:32:46
  in at the flat to dress for dinner. Where's everybody, jeeves, I
• 2:32:50
  said, finding no little feet pattering about the place. Gone out his grace
• 2:32:56
  desired to see some of the sights of the city. Sir, mister Bickersteth
• 2:33:01
  is acting as his escort. I fancy their immediate objective was Grant's tomb.
• 2:33:07
  I suppose mister Bickersteth is a bit bucked at the way things are going.
• 2:33:11
  What sir, I say I take it that mister Bickerstath is tolerably full of
• 2:33:16
  beans, not altogether, sir. What's his trouble now? The scheme which
• 2:33:26
  I took the liberty of suggesting to mister Bickersteth and yourself, has unfortunately not
• 2:33:31
  answered entirely satisfactorily, Sir. Surely the Duke believes that mister Bickersteth is doing
• 2:33:37
  well in business and all that sort of thing exactly, sir, with the
• 2:33:43
  result that he has decided to cancel mister Bickersteth's monthly allowance on the ground that
• 2:33:48
  as mister Bickersteth is doing so well on his own account, he no longer
• 2:33:52
  requires pecuniary assistance. Great Scott Jeeves, this is awful, somewhat disturbing,
• 2:34:01
  Sir. I never expected anything like this, I confess I scarcely anticipated the
• 2:34:07
  contingency myself, Sir. I suppose it bold and the poor blighter over absolutely.
• 2:34:15
  Mister Bigger's death appeared somewhat taken aback, Sir. My heart bled for
• 2:34:20
  Bickie. We must do something, Jeeves, Yes, sir, can you
• 2:34:28
  think of anything not at the moment, sir. There must be something we
• 2:34:33
  can do. It was a maxim of one of my former employers. Sir,
• 2:34:39
  as I believe I mentioned to you once before the present Lord Bridgeworth,
• 2:34:43
  that there is always a way, no doubt we shall be able to discover
• 2:34:48
  some solution of mister bickish death's difficulty. Sir, well have a stab at
• 2:34:52
  it, Jeeves. I will spare no pains, Sir. I went dressed
• 2:35:00
  sadly. It will show you pretty well how picked I was when I tell
• 2:35:03
  you that eyes near a toucher. Put on a white tie with a dinner
• 2:35:07
  jacket. I sallied out for a bit of food, more to pass the
• 2:35:11
  time than because I wanted it. It seemed brutal to be wading into the
• 2:35:15
  bill of fare with poor old Bickie heading for the breadline. When I got
• 2:35:20
  back, Old Chiswick had gone to bed, but Bickie was there, hunched
• 2:35:24
  up in an armchair, brooding pretty tensely, with a cigarette hanging out of
• 2:35:28
  the corner of his mouth and a more or less glassy stare in his eyes.
• 2:35:35
  This is a bit thick old thing, what I said. He picked
• 2:35:39
  up his glass and drained it feverishly, overlooking the fact that it hadn't anything
• 2:35:45
  in it. I'm done Bertie, he said, he had another go at
• 2:35:50
  the glass. It didn't seem to do him any good. If only this
• 2:35:54
  had happened a week later, Bertie, my next month's money was due to
• 2:35:58
  roll in on Saturday. I could have worked a wheeze. I've been reading
• 2:36:01
  about in the magazine advertisements. It seems that you can make a dashed amount
• 2:36:05
  of money if you can only collect a few dollars and start a chicken farm.
• 2:36:09
  Jolly life too, keeping Hens. He'd begun to get quite worked up
• 2:36:13
  at the thought of it, but he slopped back in his chair at this
• 2:36:16
  juncture with a good deal of gloom. But of course it's no good,
• 2:36:20
  he said, because I haven't the cash. You only have to say the
• 2:36:24
  word, you know, bicky old top. Thanks awfully, Bertie, But
• 2:36:28
  I'm not going to sponge on you. That's always the way in this world.
• 2:36:33
  The chappies you'd like to lend money too won't let you, whereas the
• 2:36:37
  chappies you don't want to lend it too will do everything except actually stand you
• 2:36:41
  on your head and lift the specie out of your pockets. As a lad
• 2:36:45
  who's always rolled tolerably freely in the right stuff, I've had lots of experience
• 2:36:50
  of the second class. Many's the time back in London. I've hurried along
• 2:36:54
  Piccadilly and felt the hot breath of the toucher on the back of my neck,
• 2:36:58
  and heard as sharp sighted yapping as he closed in on me. I've
• 2:37:03
  simply spent my life scattering our just to blighters. I didn't care a hang
• 2:37:05
  for Yet here was I now, dripping to balloons and pieces of eight and
• 2:37:11
  longing to hand them over, and Bicky, poor fish absolutely on his oppers,
• 2:37:16
  not taking any at any price. Well, there's only one hope,
• 2:37:22
  then, what's that Jeeves? Sir? There was Jeeves standing behind me,
• 2:37:30
  full of zeal in this matter of shimmering into rooms. The man is rummy
• 2:37:35
  to a degree. You're sitting in the old armchair thinking of this and that,
• 2:37:39
  and then suddenly you look up and there he is. He moves from
• 2:37:43
  point to point with as little uproar as a jellyfish. The thing startled poor
• 2:37:48
  old Bickie considerably. He rose from a seat like a rocketing pheasant. I'm
• 2:37:54
  used to Jeeves now, but often in the days when he first came to
• 2:37:56
  me, I've been in my tongue freely on finding him unexpectedly in my midst
• 2:38:03
  did you call, sir, Oh, there you are, Jeeves precisely,
• 2:38:07
  sir, any ideas, Jeeves? Why, yes, Sir, Since we
• 2:38:13
  had our recent conversation, I fancy I have found what may prove a solution.
• 2:38:18
  I do not wish to appear to be taking a liberty, Sir,
• 2:38:22
  but I think that we have overlooked his Grace's potentialities as a source of revenue.
• 2:38:28
  Bicky laughed what I have sometimes seen described as a hollow, mocking laugh,
• 2:38:33
  a sort of bitter cackle from the back of a throat, rather like
• 2:38:37
  a gargle. I do not allude, sir, explained Jeeves, to the
• 2:38:43
  possibility of inducing his Grace to part with money. I am taking the liberty
• 2:38:48
  of regarding his Grace in the light of and at present, if I may
• 2:38:52
  say so, useless property which is capable of being developed. Bicky looked at
• 2:38:58
  me in a helpless kind of way. I'm bound to say I didn't get
• 2:39:03
  it myself. Couldn't you make it a bit easier? Jeeves? In a
• 2:39:07
  nutshell, sir, what I mean is this, His Grace is, in
• 2:39:13
  a sense a prominent personage. The inhabitants of this country as no doubt you
• 2:39:18
  are aware, sir, are peculiarly addicted to shaking hands with prominent personages.
• 2:39:26
  It occurred to me that mister Bickersteth or yourself might know a person's who would
• 2:39:30
  be willing to pay a small fee, let us say, two dollars or
• 2:39:33
  three for the privilege of an introduction, including handshake to his grace. Bickie
• 2:39:41
  didn't seem to think much of it. Do you mean to say that anyone
• 2:39:46
  would be mug enough to part with solid cash just to shake hands with my
• 2:39:50
  uncle? I have an aunt, Sir, who paid five shillings to a
• 2:39:56
  young fellow for bringing a moving picture actor to tea her house one Sunday.
• 2:40:01
  It gave her social standing among the neighbors. Bicky waiver, if you think
• 2:40:07
  it could be done. I feel convinced of it, sir. What do
• 2:40:13
  you think, Bertie? I'm for it, old boy, absolutely a very
• 2:40:18
  brainy wheeze. Thank you, sir. Will there be anything further? Good
• 2:40:24
  night, sir, and he flitted out, leaving us to discuss details.
• 2:40:33
  Until we started this business of floating Old Chiswick as a money making proposition,
• 2:40:37
  I never realized what a perfectly faul time those stock exchange fellows must have when
• 2:40:43
  the public isn't biting freely nowadays. I read that bit they put in the
• 2:40:48
  financial reports about the market opened quietly with a sympathetic eye, for by jove,
• 2:40:54
  it certainly opened quietly for us. You'd hardly believe how difficult it was
• 2:40:58
  to interest the public and make them take a flutter on the old boy.
• 2:41:03
  By the end of a week, the only name we had on our list
• 2:41:05
  was a delicatessen storekeeper down in Bickie's part of the town, and as he
• 2:41:09
  wanted us to take it out in sliced ham instead of cash, that didn't
• 2:41:13
  help much. There was a gleam of light when the brother Bickie's pawnbroker,
• 2:41:18
  offered ten dollars money down for an introduction to Old Chiswick, but the deal
• 2:41:22
  fell through owing to its turning out that the chap was an anarchist and intended
• 2:41:28
  to kick the old boy instead of shaking hands with him. At that it
• 2:41:31
  took me the deuce of a time to persuade Bickie not to grab the cash
• 2:41:35
  and let things take their course. He seemed to regard the pawnbroker's brother rather
• 2:41:39
  as a sportsman and benefactor of his species than otherwise. The whole thing I'm
• 2:41:46
  inclined to think would have been off if it hadn't been for Jeeves. There
• 2:41:50
  is no doubt that Jeeves is in a class of his own in the matter
• 2:41:54
  of brain and resource. I don't think I have ever met a chappie so
• 2:41:58
  supremely like mother made. He trickled into my room one morning with a good
• 2:42:01
  old cup of tea and intimated that there was something doing. Might I speak
• 2:42:07
  to you with regard to that matter of his grace? Sir? It's all
• 2:42:11
  off. We've decided to chuck it, Sir. It won't work. We
• 2:42:18
  can't get anyone to come. I fancy I can arrange that aspect of the
• 2:42:22
  matter, sir. Do you mean you've managed to get anybody? Yes,
• 2:42:28
  sir, eighty seven gentlemen from Birdsburg, Sir. I sat up in bed
• 2:42:33
  and spilt the tea Birdsburg, Birdsburg, Missouri. Sir. How did you
• 2:42:41
  get them? I happened last night, sir, as you had intimated that
• 2:42:46
  you would be absent from home to attend a theatrical performance, and entered into
• 2:42:52
  conversation between the acts with the occupant of the adjoining seat. I had observed
• 2:42:58
  that he was wearing a somewhat or decoration in his buttonhole, Sir, a
• 2:43:03
  large blue button with the words boost for Birdsburg upon it in read letters,
• 2:43:09
  scarcely a judicious addition to a gentleman's evening costume. To my surprise, I
• 2:43:13
  noticed that the auditorium was full of person similarly decorated. I ventured to inquire
• 2:43:20
  the explanation, and was informed that these gentlemen, forming a party of eighty
• 2:43:24
  seven, are a convention from a town of the name of Birdsburg in the
• 2:43:28
  state of Missouri. Their visit, I gathered, was purely of a social
• 2:43:33
  and pleasurable nature, and my informant spoke at some length of the entertainments arranged
• 2:43:39
  for their stay in the city. It was when he related, with a
• 2:43:43
  considerable amount of satisfaction and pride, that a deputation of their number had been
• 2:43:48
  introduced to and had shaken hands with a well known prize fighter, that it
• 2:43:52
  occurred to me to broach the subject of His Grace. To make a long
• 2:43:56
  story short, Sir, I have arranged, subject to your approval, that
• 2:44:01
  the entire convention shall be presented to His Grace tomorrow afternoon. I was amazed
• 2:44:09
  eighty seven, Jeeves at how much ahead I was obliged to agree to a
• 2:44:15
  reduction for quantity? Sir. The terms finally arrived at were one hundred and
• 2:44:20
  fifty dollars for the party. I thought a bit payable in advance, No,
• 2:44:28
  sir, I endeavored to obtain payment in advance, but was not successful.
• 2:44:33
  Well, anyway, when we get it, I'll make it up to
• 2:44:35
  five hundred. Bicky'll never know. Do you suppose mister Bickersteth would suspect anything,
• 2:44:41
  Jeeves if I made it up to five hundred? I fancy not,
• 2:44:46
  sir. Mister Bickerstuff is an agreeable gentleman, but not bright. All right,
• 2:44:52
  then after breakfast, run down to the bank and get me some money,
• 2:44:56
  yes, sir, you know you're a bit of a marvel Jeeves.
• 2:45:03
  Thank you, sir, right, ho, very good, sir. When
• 2:45:09
  I took dear old Bicky aside in the course of the morning and told him
• 2:45:13
  what had happened, he nearly broke down. He tottered into the sitting room
• 2:45:16
  and buttoned told Old Chiswick, who was reading the comic section of the morning
• 2:45:20
  paper with a kind of grim resolution. Uncle, He said, are you
• 2:45:26
  doing anything special tomorrow afternoon. I mean to say, I've asked a few
• 2:45:31
  of my palsand to meet you, don't you know? The old boy cocked
• 2:45:35
  a speculative eye at him. There will be no reporters among them, reporters
• 2:45:43
  rather not why I refuse to be badgered by reporters. There were a number
• 2:45:50
  of adhesive young men who endeavored to elicit for me my views on America while
• 2:45:54
  the boat was approaching the dock. I will not be subjected to this persecution
• 2:46:01
  again. That'll be absolutely all right, uncle. There won't be a newspaper
• 2:46:05
  man in the place. In that case, I shall be glad to make
• 2:46:09
  the acquaintance of your friends. You'll shake hands with him, and so forth.
• 2:46:16
  I shall naturally order my behavior according to the accepted rules of civilized intercourse.
• 2:46:24
  Bicky thanked him heartily and came off to lunch with me at the club,
• 2:46:28
  where he babbled freely of hens, incubators and other rotten things. After
• 2:46:37
  mature consideration, we had decided to unleash the Birdsburg contingent on the old boy.
• 2:46:43
  Ten at a time. Jeeves brought his theater pal round to see us,
• 2:46:46
  and we arranged the whole thing with him a very decent chappy, but
• 2:46:52
  rather inclined to collar the conversation and turn it in the direction of his hometown's
• 2:46:56
  new water supply system. We settled that as an hour was about all he
• 2:47:01
  would be likely to stand, each gang should consider itself entitled to seven minutes
• 2:47:05
  of the Duke Society by Jeeves's stopwatch, and that when their time was up,
• 2:47:11
  Jeeves should slide into the room and cough meaningly. Then we parted with
• 2:47:15
  what I believe are called mutual expressions of goodwill, the Birdsburg chappy extending a
• 2:47:20
  cordial invitation to us all to pop out someday and take a look at the
• 2:47:24
  new water supply system, for which we thanked him. Next day, the
• 2:47:30
  deputation rolled in the first shift consisted of the cove we had met and nine
• 2:47:33
  others almost exactly like him in every respect. They all looked deuced, keen
• 2:47:39
  and business like, as if from you thought they had been working in the
• 2:47:43
  office and catching the boss's eye and whatnot. They shook hands with the old
• 2:47:46
  boy with a good deal of apparent satisfaction, all except one chappy who seemed
• 2:47:52
  to be brooding about something. And then they stood off and became chatty,
• 2:47:56
  what message have you for Birdsburg? Duke asked, oar pow. The old
• 2:48:03
  boy seemed a bit rattled. I have never been to Birdsburg, Chappy seemed
• 2:48:09
  pained. You should pay it a visit, he said, the most rapidly
• 2:48:15
  growing city in the country. Boost for Birdsburg. Boost for Birdsburg, said
• 2:48:20
  the other chappis reverently a chappie who had been brooding suddenly gave tongue say he
• 2:48:30
  was a stout, sort of well fed cove with one of those determined chins
• 2:48:33
  and a cold eye. The assemblage looked at him. As a matter of
• 2:48:39
  business, said the chappy. Mind you, I'm not questioning anyone's good faith,
• 2:48:46
  but as a matter of strict business, I think this gentleman here ought
• 2:48:50
  to put himself on record before witnesses as stating he really is a duke.
• 2:48:56
  What do you mean, sir, cried the old boy getting purple. No
• 2:49:00
  offense, simply business. I'm not saying anything, mind you, but there's
• 2:49:03
  one thing that seems kind of funny to me. This gentleman here says his
• 2:49:09
  name's mister Bickerstuff. As I understand it, Well, if you're the Duke
• 2:49:13
  of Chiswick, why isn't he Lord Percy something I've read English novels and I
• 2:49:18
  know all about it. This is monstrous. Now, don't get hot under
• 2:49:24
  the collar. I'm only asking. I've a right to know you're going to
• 2:49:28
  take our money, so it's only fair that we should see that we get
• 2:49:31
  our money's worth. The water supply cove chipped in. You're quite right,
• 2:49:37
  Simms, I overlook that when making the agreement. You see, gentlemen,
• 2:49:41
  as businessmen, we've a right to reasonable guarantees of good faith. We're paying
• 2:49:46
  mister Bickerstuff here one hundred and fifty dollars for this reception, and we naturally
• 2:49:50
  want to know. Old Chiswick gave Bicky a searching look. Then he turned
• 2:49:56
  to the water supply Chappie. He was frightfully calm. I can assure you
• 2:50:01
  that I know nothing of this, he said, quite politely. I should
• 2:50:07
  be grateful if he would explain. Well, we arranged with mister Bickersteth that
• 2:50:13
  eighty seven citizens of Birdsburg should have the privilege of meeting and shaking hands with
• 2:50:18
  you for a financial consideration usually arranged. And what my friend Sims here means,
• 2:50:24
  and I'm with him, is that we only have mister Bickersteth's word for
• 2:50:26
  it, and he is a stranger to us, that you are the Duke
• 2:50:31
  of Chiswick at all. Old Chiswick gulped. Allow me to assure you,
• 2:50:37
  sir, he said, in a rummy kind of voice, that I am
• 2:50:43
  the Duke of Chiswick. Then that's all right, said the Chappy heartily.
• 2:50:48
  That was all we wanted to know. Let the thing go on. I
• 2:50:52
  am sorry to say, said Old Chiswick, that it cannot go on.
• 2:50:58
  I am feeling a little tired. I fear I must ask to be excused.
• 2:51:03
  But there are seventy seven of the boys waiting around the corner at the
• 2:51:07
  moment, Duke to be introduced to you. I fear I must disappoint them.
• 2:51:11
  But in that case the deal would have to be off. That is
• 2:51:16
  a matter for you and my nephew to discuss. The Chappie seemed troubled.
• 2:51:22
  You really won't meet with the rest of them? No, well, then
• 2:51:28
  I guess we'll be going. They went out and there was a pretty solid
• 2:51:33
  silence. Then Old Chiswick turned to Bickie. Well, Bicky didn't seem to
• 2:51:41
  have anything to say. Was it true what that man said? Yes,
• 2:51:46
  uncle, what do you mean by playing this trick? Bicky seemed pretty well
• 2:51:52
  knocked out, so I put in a word, I think you'd better explain
• 2:51:56
  the whole thing. Bicky, old top BIG's Adam's apple jumped about a bit.
• 2:52:01
  Then he started. You see, you had cut off my allowance,
• 2:52:05
  uncle, and I wanted a bit of money to start a chicken farm.
• 2:52:09
  I mean to say, it's an absolute sert. If you once get a
• 2:52:11
  bit of capital, you buy a hen and then lays an egg every day
• 2:52:16
  of the week, and you sell the egg, say seven, for twenty
• 2:52:18
  five cents keep of hen and cost nothing profit. Practically, what's all this
• 2:52:24
  nonsense about hens? You led me to suppose you were a substantial businessman,
• 2:52:31
  Old Bickie rather exaggerated, sir, I said, helping the Chappi out.
• 2:52:35
  The fact is, the poor old lad is absolutely dependent on that remittance of
• 2:52:39
  yours, and when you cut it off, don't you know, he was
• 2:52:43
  pretty solidly in the soup and had to think of some way of closing in
• 2:52:46
  on a bit of the ready pretty quick. That's why we thought of this
• 2:52:50
  handshaking scheme. Old Chiswick foamed at the mouth. So you have lied to
• 2:52:56
  me, you have deliberately deceived me to your financial status. Poor old Bicky
• 2:53:03
  didn't want to go to that ranch, I explained. He doesn't like cows
• 2:53:07
  and horses, but he rather thinks he would be hot stuff among the hens.
• 2:53:11
  All he wants is a bit of capital. Don't you think it would
• 2:53:15
  be rather a weeze if you were to after what has happened, after this,
• 2:53:18
  this deceit and foolery. Not a penny, but not a penny.
• 2:53:28
  There was a respectful cough in the background. If I might make a suggestion,
• 2:53:33
  Sir Jeeves was standing on the horizon, looking devilish. Brainy. Go
• 2:53:41
  ahead, Jeeves, I said, I would merely suggest, sir that if
• 2:53:45
  mister Bickersteth is in need of a little ready money and is at a loss
• 2:53:48
  to obtain it elsewhere, he might secure the sum he requires by describing the
• 2:53:54
  occurrences of this afternoon for the Sunday issue of one of the more spirited and
• 2:53:58
  enterprising newspaper by Jove, I said, Bye George, said Bicky. Great
• 2:54:05
  heavens, said Old Chiswick. Very good, Sir, said Jeeves. Bicky
• 2:54:13
  turned to Old Chiswick with a gleaming eye. Jeeves is right. I'll do
• 2:54:20
  it. The chronicle would jump at it. They eat that sort of stuff.
• 2:54:24
  Old Chiswick gave a kind of moaning howl. I absolutely forbid you,
• 2:54:31
  Francis, to do this thing. That's all very well, said Bicky,
• 2:54:35
  wonderfully braced. But if I can't get the money any other way, wait,
• 2:54:41
  h wait, my boy, you are so impetuous. We might arrange
• 2:54:46
  something. I won't go to that bally ranch. No, no, no,
• 2:54:52
  no, my boy, I would not suggest it. I would not
• 2:54:54
  for a moment suggest it. I think he seemed to have a bit of
• 2:55:00
  a struggle with himself. I think that on the whole it would be best
• 2:55:05
  if you returned with me to England. I might, in fact, I
• 2:55:11
  think I see my way to doing two. I might be able to utilize
• 2:55:15
  your services in some secretarial position. I shouldn't mind that I should not be
• 2:55:22
  able to offer you a salary. But as you know, in English political
• 2:55:24
  life, the unpaid secretary is a recognized figure. The only figure I'll recognize,
• 2:55:31
  said Bicky firmly, is five hundred quit a year, paid quarterly,
• 2:55:35
  my dear boy. Absolutely, But your recompense, my dear Francis, would
• 2:55:43
  consist in the unrival opportunities you would have as my secretary, to gain experience,
• 2:55:48
  to accustom yourself to the intricacies of political life, to in fact,
• 2:55:52
  you would be in an exceedingly advantageous position. Five hundred a year, said
• 2:56:00
  Bicky, rolling it around his tongue. Why that would be nothing to what
• 2:56:03
  I could make if I started a chicken farm. It stands to reason suppose
• 2:56:09
  you have a dozen hens. Each of the hens has a dozen chickens.
• 2:56:11
  After a bit, the chickens grow up and have a dozen chickens each themselves,
• 2:56:16
  and then they all start laying eggs. There's a fortune in it.
• 2:56:18
  You can get anything you like for eggs in America. Fellows keep them on
• 2:56:22
  ice for years and years and don't sell them until they fetch about a dollar
• 2:56:26
  a whirl. You don't think I'm gonna chuck a future like this for anything
• 2:56:31
  under five hundred o goblins a year. What A look of anguish passed over
• 2:56:35
  Old Chiswick's face. Then he seemed to be resigned to it. Very well,
• 2:56:41
  my boy, he said, what ho said Bicky? All right?
• 2:56:46
  Then, jeeves, I said. Bicky had taken the old boy off to
• 2:56:54
  dinner to celebrate, and we were alone, Jeeves, this has to be
• 2:56:58
  one of your best efforts, Thank you, sir. It beats me how
• 2:57:05
  you do it, Yes, sir, the only trouble is you haven't got
• 2:57:09
  much out of it yourself. I fancy mister Bicker's death intends, I judge
• 2:57:15
  from his remarks, to signify his appreciation of anything I've been fortunate enough to
• 2:57:20
  do, to assist him at some later date, when he's in a more
• 2:57:24
  favorable position to do so. It isn't enough, Jeeves, Sir. It
• 2:57:31
  was a wrench but I felt it was the only possible thing to be done.
• 2:57:35
  Bring my shaving things, a gleam of hope shone in the man's eye,
• 2:57:41
  mixed with doubt, you mean, sir, and shave off my mustache.
• 2:57:48
  There was a moment's silence. I could see the fellow was deeply moved.
• 2:57:54
  Thank you very much. Indeed, sir, he said, in a
• 2:57:58
  low voice, the ant and the sluggard. Now that it's all over,
• 2:58:03
  I may as well admit that there was a time during the affair of rock
• 2:58:07
  metaler Todd when I thought that Gees was going to let me down. Silly
• 2:58:11
  of me, of course, knowing him as I do, But that is
• 2:58:15
  what I thought. It seemed to me that the man had the appearance of
• 2:58:18
  being baffled. The Rocky Todd business broke loose early one morning in Spring.
• 2:58:22
  I was in bed, restoring the physique with my usual nine hours of the
• 2:58:26
  dreamless, when the door flew open and somebody prodded me in the lower ribs
• 2:58:31
  and began to shake the bit clothes in an unpleasant manner. And after blinking
• 2:58:35
  a bit and generally pulling myself together, I located Rocky. And my first
• 2:58:39
  impression was that it must be some horrid dream. Rocky, you see,
• 2:58:43
  lived down on Long Island, somewhere miles away from New York. And not
• 2:58:46
  only that, but he had told me himself more than once that he never
• 2:58:50
  got up before twelve, and seldom earlier than one. Constitutionally the laziest young
• 2:58:56
  devil in America. He had hit on a walk in life which enabled him
• 2:59:01
  to go the limit in that direction. He was a poet at least,
• 2:59:05
  he wrote poems when he did anything, but most of his time, as
• 2:59:07
  far as I could make out, he spent in a sort of trance.
• 2:59:11
  He told me once that he could sit on a fence watching a worm and
• 2:59:13
  wondering what on earth it was up to. For hours at a stretch.
• 2:59:18
  He had his scheme of life worked out to a fine point. About once
• 2:59:20
  a month he would take three days writing a few poems. The other three
• 2:59:24
  hundred and twenty nine days of the year he rested. I didn't know there
• 2:59:28
  was enough money in poetry to support it, Chappie, even in the way
• 2:59:31
  in which Rocky lived. But it seemed that if you stick to exhortations to
• 2:59:35
  young men to lead the strenuous life and don't shove in any rhymes, American
• 2:59:39
  editors fight for this stuff. Rocky showed me one of his things. Once
• 2:59:43
  it began be be the fastest dead tomorrow is not born. Be today today,
• 2:59:50
  Be with every nerve, with every five ar, with every drop of
• 2:59:52
  your red blood b b. There were three more verses, and the thing
• 2:59:56
  was printed opposite the frontispiece of a magazin with a sort of scroll round it,
• 3:00:01
  and a picture in the middle of a fairly nude Chappie with bulging muscles
• 3:00:05
  giving the rising sun the glad eye. Rocky said they gave him one hundred
• 3:00:09
  dollars for it, and he stayed in bed till four in the afternoon for
• 3:00:11
  over a month. As regarded the future, he was pretty solid, owing
• 3:00:16
  to the fact that he had a moneyed aunt tucked away somewhere in Illinois.
• 3:00:18
  It's a curious thing how many of my pals seem to have ants and uncles
• 3:00:22
  who are their main source of supply. There is Bickie, for one,
• 3:00:26
  with his uncle, the Duke of Chiswick Corky, who until things went wrong,
• 3:00:28
  looked to Alexander Warpole, the bird specialist for sustenance. And I shall
• 3:00:33
  be telling you a story shortly of a dear old friend of mine, Oliver
• 3:00:35
  Sipperley, who had an ant in Yorkshire. These things cannot be mere coincidence.
• 3:00:41
  They must be meant. What I'm driving at is that Providence seems to
• 3:00:45
  look after the chumps of this world, and personally I'm all for it.
• 3:00:48
  I suppose. The fact is that, having been snooter from infancy upwards by
• 3:00:52
  my own ants, I like to see that it is possible for these relatives
• 3:00:56
  to have a better and a softer side. However, this is more or
• 3:00:58
  less of a sidetrack. Coming back to Rocky, what I was saying was
• 3:01:03
  that he had this ant in Illinois, and as he had been named rock
• 3:01:05
  Medler after her, which in itself, he might say, and held him
• 3:01:09
  to a substantial compensation, and was her only nephew. His position looked pretty
• 3:01:13
  sound. He told me that when he did come into the money, he
• 3:01:16
  meant to do no work at all, except perhaps an occasional poem recommending the
• 3:01:22
  young man, with life opening out before him, with all his splendid possibilities,
• 3:01:24
  to light a pipe. Inch ove his feet up on the mental piece.
• 3:01:28
  And this was the man who was prodding me in the ribs in the
• 3:01:31
  gray dawn. Read this party, babbled old Rocky. I could just see
• 3:01:35
  that he was waiving a letter or something equally foul in my face. Wake
• 3:01:39
  up and read this. I can't read before I've had my morning tea and
• 3:01:43
  a cigarette. I groped for the bell. Jeeves came in, looking as
• 3:01:46
  fresh as a dewey violet. It's a mystery to me how he does it,
• 3:01:50
  Hey, Jeeves, very good, sir. I found that Rocky was
• 3:01:54
  surging round with his beastly letter. Again, what is it? I said,
• 3:01:58
  what's the matter? Rate it? I can't I haven't had my tea.
• 3:02:03
  Well listen. Then goes it from my aunt. At this point I
• 3:02:07
  fell asleep again. I woke to hear him saying, so what on earth
• 3:02:09
  am I to do? Jeeves flowed in with the tray like some silent stream
• 3:02:13
  meandering over its mossy bed, and I saw daylight read it again. Rocky
• 3:02:18
  yell top, I said, I want Jeeves to hear it. Mister Toddzand
• 3:02:22
  has written him, or rather rome leta Jeeves, and we want your advice.
• 3:02:24
  Very good sir. He stood in the middle of the room, registering
• 3:02:28
  devotion to the cause, and Rocky started again. My dear rock meddlare.
• 3:02:33
  I have been thinking things over for a long while, and I have come
• 3:02:37
  to the conclusion that I have been very thoughtless to wait so long before doing
• 3:02:41
  what I am made up my mind to do. Now, what do you
• 3:02:43
  make of that, Jeeves? It seems a little obscure at present, sir,
• 3:02:48
  but no doubt it becomes clearer at a later point in the communication proceed
• 3:02:54
  Old Scout, I said, Champing my bread and butter. You know how
• 3:02:58
  all my life I have longed to visit and see for myself the wonderful gay
• 3:03:01
  life of which I have read so much. I fear that now it will
• 3:03:05
  be impossible for me to fulfill my dream. I am old and worn out.
• 3:03:09
  I seem to have no strength left in me. Sad Jeeves, what
• 3:03:13
  extremely sir, sad, Nothing, said Rocky. It's sheer laziness. I
• 3:03:18
  went to see her last Christmas, and she was bursting with health. Her
• 3:03:20
  doctor told me himself that there was nothing wrong with her whatever. But she
• 3:03:24
  will insist that she is a hopeless invalid, so he has to agree with
• 3:03:28
  her. She's got a fixed idea that the trip to New York would kill
• 3:03:31
  her. So though it's been her ambition all her life to come here,
• 3:03:33
  she stays where she is. Brother. Look, the chuppy hoose Heart was
• 3:03:37
  in the highlands chasing off the deer jeeves. The cases are in some respects
• 3:03:43
  parallel, Sir curry On, Rookie there boy. So I have decided that
• 3:03:48
  if I cannot enjoy all the marvels of the city myself, I can at
• 3:03:52
  least enjoy them through you. I suddenly thought of this yesterday after reading a
• 3:03:56
  beautiful poem in the Sunday paper about a young man who had longed all his
• 3:04:00
  life for a certain thing and want it in the end only when he was
• 3:04:03
  too old to enjoy it. It was very sad, and it touched me
• 3:04:07
  a thing interpolated rocky bitterly that I have not been able to do in ten
• 3:04:11
  years. As you know, you will have my money when I am gone,
• 3:04:16
  But until now I have never been able to see my way to giving
• 3:04:18
  you an allowance. I have now decided to do so on one condition.
• 3:04:22
  I have written to a firm of lawyers in New York giving them instructions to
• 3:04:26
  pay you quite a substantial sum each month. My one condition is that you
• 3:04:31
  live in New York and enjoy yourself as I have always wished to do.
• 3:04:33
  I want you to be my representative to spend this money for me as I
• 3:04:37
  should do myself. I want you to plunge into the gay, prismatic life
• 3:04:41
  of New York. I want you to be the life and soul of brilliant
• 3:04:45
  supper parties. Above all, I want you, indeed I insist on this,
• 3:04:48
  to write me letters at least once a week, giving me a full
• 3:04:52
  description of all you are doing and all that is going on in the city,
• 3:04:54
  so that I may enjoy a secondhand. When my wretched health prevents my
• 3:04:58
  enjoying for myself, remember that I shall expect full details and that no detail
• 3:05:03
  is too trivial to interest your affectionate aunt, Isabelle rock Meddler. What about
• 3:05:09
  it, said Rocky, what about it? I said, Yes, What
• 3:05:11
  on earth am I going to do? It was only then that I really
• 3:05:16
  got onto the extremely rummy attitude of the chappie in view with the fact that
• 3:05:18
  a quite unexpected mess of good cash had suddenly descended on him from a blue
• 3:05:22
  sky. To my mind, it was an occasion for the beaming smile and
• 3:05:26
  the joyous whoop. Yet hear the man was looking and talking as if fate
• 3:05:30
  had swungn his solar plexus. It amazed me? Or you balked? I
• 3:05:33
  said, bocked. If I were in your place, I should be frightfully
• 3:05:37
  braced. I consider this pretty soft for you. He gave a kind of
• 3:05:41
  yelp, stared at me for a moment, and then began to talk of
• 3:05:43
  New York in a way that reminded me of Jimmy Mundy through a former bloke.
• 3:05:46
  Jimmy had just come to New York on it hit the trail campaign,
• 3:05:50
  and I had popped into Madison Square Garden a couple of days before for half
• 3:05:52
  an hour or so to hear him he had certainly told New York some pretty
• 3:05:56
  straight things about itself, having apparently taken a dislike to the place. The
• 3:06:01
  bye jove, you know, dear old Rocky made him look like a publicity
• 3:06:03
  agent for the old metrop Pretty soft, he cried, to have to come
• 3:06:09
  and live in New York, to have to leave my little cottage and take
• 3:06:11
  a stuffy, smelly, overheated hole of an apartment in this heaven forsaken,
• 3:06:16
  festering ghana, To have to mix night after night with a mob who thinks
• 3:06:20
  that life is a sort of Saint Vitus's dance, and imagine that they're having
• 3:06:24
  a good time because they're making enough noise for six and drinking too much for
• 3:06:28
  ten. I loved New York birding. I wouldn't come near the place,
• 3:06:31
  and I hadn't got to see editors occasionally. There's a light on it.
• 3:06:35
  It's got moral delaririum tremens. It's the limit, the fairy thought of staying
• 3:06:39
  more than a day, and it makes me sick. And you call this
• 3:06:43
  thing pretty soft. For me, I felt rather like lots of friends must
• 3:06:46
  have done. When they dropped in for a quiet chat and their genial host
• 3:06:50
  began to criticize the cities of the plane. I had no idea Rocky could
• 3:06:54
  be so eloquent. It would kill me to have to live in New York.
• 3:06:58
  He went on, to have to share with six million people, to
• 3:07:01
  have to wear stiff collars and dzin clothes all the time. To he started
• 3:07:07
  cut lord, as I pouse I should have to dress for dinner in the
• 3:07:09
  evenings. What a ghastly notion. I was shocked, absolutely shocked. What
• 3:07:13
  dar chap? I said, reproachfully? Do you have dress for dinner every
• 3:07:18
  night? Bertie Jeeves, I said, coldly? How many suits of evening
• 3:07:22
  clothes have we? We have three suits of full evening dress, sir,
• 3:07:26
  two dinner jackets three four practical purposes too, only sir, if you remember,
• 3:07:33
  we cannot wear the third. We have also seven white waistcoats and shirts
• 3:07:37
  four dozen, sir, and white toes. The first two shallow shelves in
• 3:07:43
  the chest of drawers are completely filled with our white ties, Sir. I
• 3:07:48
  turned to Rocky. You see the chappy, writhe like an electric fan.
• 3:07:52
  I won't do it. I can't do it. I'll be hanged if I'll
• 3:07:54
  do it. How on earth can I dress up like that. Do you
• 3:07:58
  realize that most days I don't get out of my pajamas tell five in the
• 3:08:01
  afternoon, and then I just put on an old sweater. I saw Jeeves
• 3:08:05
  WinCE, poor Chap the sort of revelation shot his finest feelings. Then what
• 3:08:09
  are you going to do about it? I said, that's what I want
• 3:08:11
  to know. You might write and explain to your aunt. I might if
• 3:08:16
  I wanted her to get round to her lawyers until rapid laps and cut me
• 3:08:20
  out of her. Well. I saw his point. What do you suggest,
• 3:08:22
  Jeeves, I said. Jeeves cleared his throat respectfully. The croox of
• 3:08:28
  the Martyr would appear to be, sir, that mister Todd is obliged,
• 3:08:31
  by the conditions under which the money is delivered into his possession to write Miss
• 3:08:35
  Rockmetteller long and detailed letters relating to his movements, and the only method by
• 3:08:41
  which this can be accomplished if mister Todd adhears to his expressed intention of remaining
• 3:08:46
  in the country, is for mister Todd to induce some second party to gather
• 3:08:50
  the actual experiences which Miss Rockmetteler wishes reported to her, and to convey these
• 3:08:56
  to him in the shape of a careful report on which it would be possible
• 3:09:01
  for him, with the aid of his imagination, to base the suggested correspondence.
• 3:09:05
  Having got which off the old diaphram, Jeeves was silent. Rocky looked
• 3:09:09
  at me in a helpless sort of way. He hasn't been brought up on
• 3:09:13
  Jeeves as I have, and he isn't done to his curves. Could he
• 3:09:16
  put it a little clarer, Bertie? He said, I thought at the
• 3:09:18
  start it was going to make sense, but it kind of flickered. What's
• 3:09:22
  the idea, my dear old man? Perfectly simple? I knew we could
• 3:09:26
  stand on Jeeves. All you've got to do is get somebody to go round
• 3:09:28
  the town for you and take a few notes, and then you work the
• 3:09:31
  notes into letters. That's it, isn't it, Jeeves? For soiseless,
• 3:09:35
  sir? The light of hope gleamed in Rocky's eyes. He looked at Jeeves
• 3:09:39
  in a startled way, dazed by the man's vast intellect. But how would
• 3:09:43
  do it? He said? It would have to be a pretty smart sort
• 3:09:46
  of man, a man who had noticed things. Jeeves, I said,
• 3:09:50
  let Jeeves do it, But whatdy? You would do it? Wouldn't you,
• 3:09:52
  Jeeves. For the first time in our long connection, I observed Jeeves
• 3:09:56
  almost smile. The corner of his mouth curved quite a quarter of an inch,
• 3:10:01
  and for a moment his eyes ceased to look like a meditative fish's.
• 3:10:03
  I should be delighted to oblige, sir. As a matter of fact,
• 3:10:07
  I have already visited some of New York's places of interests on my evening out,
• 3:10:11
  and it would be most enjoyable to make a practice of the pursuit.
• 3:10:16
  Fine, I know exactly what your aunt wants to hear about Rocky. She
• 3:10:18
  wants an air full of cabaret stuff. The place you want to go first,
• 3:10:22
  Jeeves, is Reigelheimer's. It's on forty second Street. Anybody will show
• 3:10:24
  you the way Jeeves shook his head. Pardon me, sir. People are
• 3:10:30
  no longer going to Rigelheimer's. The place at the moment is Frolics on the
• 3:10:33
  roof. You see, I said to Rocky. Leave it to Jeeves.
• 3:10:37
  He knows. It isn't often that you find an entire group of your fellow
• 3:10:41
  humans happy in this world. But our little circle was certainly an example of
• 3:10:46
  the fact that it can be done. We were all full of beans.
• 3:10:50
  Everything when absolutely right. From the start. Jeeves was happy, partly because
• 3:10:54
  he loves to exercise his giant brain and partly because he was having a carking
• 3:10:58
  time among the bright lights. I saw him one night at the Midnight Revels.
• 3:11:01
  He was sitting at a table on the edge of the dancing floor,
• 3:11:03
  doing himself remarkably well, with a fat cigar. His face wore an expression
• 3:11:09
  of austere but nevill instant. He was making notes in a small book.
• 3:11:11
  As for the rest of us, I was feeling pretty good because I was
• 3:11:15
  fond of old Rocky and glad to be able to do him a good turn.
• 3:11:18
  Rocky was perfectly contented because he was still able to sit on fences in
• 3:11:22
  his pajamas and watch worms. And as for the end, she seemed tickled
• 3:11:24
  to death. She was getting brought away at pretty long range, but it
• 3:11:28
  seemed to be hitting her just right. I read one of her letters to
• 3:11:31
  Rocky, and it was full of life. But then Rocky's letters, based
• 3:11:35
  on Jeeves's notes were enough to buck anybody up. It was rumming when you
• 3:11:37
  came to think of it. There was I loving the life, while the
• 3:11:41
  mere mention of it gave Rocky a tired feeling. Yet here is a letter
• 3:11:43
  I wrote home to a pal of mine in London. Here, Freddy,
• 3:11:46
  Well, here I am in New York. It's not a bad place.
• 3:11:50
  I'm not having a bad time. Everything's not bad. The cabarets aren't bad.
• 3:11:54
  Don't know when I shall be back. How's everybody cheerio yours? Bertie
• 3:11:56
  p s Seen Old Ted lately. Nothing I cared about Old Ted. But
• 3:12:01
  if I hadn't dragged him in, I couldn't have got the confounded thing onto
• 3:12:03
  the second page. Now here's Old Rocky on exactly the same subject. Dearest
• 3:12:09
  Aunt Isabel, how can I ever thank you enough for giving me the opportunity
• 3:12:13
  to live in this astounding city? New York seems more wonderful every day.
• 3:12:18
  Fifth Avenue is at its best. Of course, just now the dresses are
• 3:12:20
  magnificent. Wads of stuff about the dresses. I didn't know Jeeves was such
• 3:12:24
  an authority. I was out with some of the crowd at the Midnight Rebels
• 3:12:28
  the other night. We took in a show first, after a little dinner
• 3:12:31
  at a new place in forty third Street. We were quite a gay party.
• 3:12:35
  Georgie Cohen looked in about midnight and got off a good story about Willie
• 3:12:39
  Collier. Fred Stone could only stay a minute, but Doug Fairbanks did all
• 3:12:43
  sorts of stunts and made us roar. And when was there, and Laurette
• 3:12:46
  Taylor showed up with a party. The show with the rebels is quite good.
• 3:12:48
  I'm enclosing a program last night. A few of us went round to
• 3:12:52
  frolics on the roof and so on and so forth. Yards of it.
• 3:12:56
  I suppose it's the artistic temperament or something. What I mean is it's easier
• 3:13:00
  for a chappie who's used to writing poems in that sort of tash to put
• 3:13:03
  a bit of a punch into a letter than it is for a fellow like
• 3:13:07
  me. Anyway, there's no doubt that Rocky's correspondence was hot stuff. I
• 3:13:11
  called Jeeves in and congratulated him. Jeeves, You're a wonder Thank you,
• 3:13:16
  sir. How you notice everything in these places beats me. I couldn't tell
• 3:13:20
  you a thing about them except I've had a good time. It's just a
• 3:13:22
  knocks, sir. Well, mister Toll's letters ought to brace Miss rock Middle
• 3:13:26
  Earl right, what undoubtedly Sir, agreed Jeeves, and by Jove, they
• 3:13:31
  did. They certainly did, by George. What I mean to say is
• 3:13:35
  I was sitting in the apartment one afternoon, about a month after the thing
• 3:13:39
  had started, smoking a cigarette and resting the old bean, when the door
• 3:13:43
  opened and the voice of Jeeves burst the silence like a bomb. It wasn't
• 3:13:46
  that he spoke loud. He has one of those soft, soothing voices that
• 3:13:50
  slide through the atmospherely the note of a far off sheep. It was what
• 3:13:54
  he said that made me leap like a young gazelle, miss roche mitter and
• 3:13:58
  in a large, solid female. The situation floored me. I'm not denying
• 3:14:03
  it. Hamlet must have felt much as I did when his father's ghost bobbed
• 3:14:07
  up in the Fairway. I'd come to look on Rocky's aunt as such a
• 3:14:11
  permanency at her own home that it didn't seem possible that she could really be
• 3:14:15
  here in New York. I stared at her. Then I looked at Jeeves.
• 3:14:18
  He was standing there in an attitude of dignified detachment chump, when,
• 3:14:22
  if ever, he should have been rallying around the young master. It was
• 3:14:24
  now Rocky's aunt looked less like an invalid than anyone I've ever seen, except
• 3:14:30
  by aunt Agatha. She had a good deal of ant Agatha about her.
• 3:14:33
  As a matter of fact, she looked as if she might be deuzedly dangerous
• 3:14:35
  if put upon, And something seemed to tell me that she would certainly regard
• 3:14:39
  herself as put upon if she ever found out the game which poor old Rocky
• 3:14:43
  had been pulling on her. Good afternoon, I managed to say, how
• 3:14:46
  do you do She said, mister Cohan, No, mister fred Stone,
• 3:14:52
  not absolutely. As a matter of fact, my name's Wooster, but it
• 3:14:56
  Wooster. She seemed disappointed. The final name of Wooster appeared to me nothing
• 3:15:01
  on her life. He's in Rockmetele, her home, she said, Where
• 3:15:03
  is he? She had me with the first shot. I couldn't think of
• 3:15:07
  anything to say. I couldn't tell her that Rocky was down in the country
• 3:15:11
  watching worms. There was the faintest flutter of sound in the background. It
• 3:15:15
  was the respectful cough with which Jeeves announces that he is about to speak without
• 3:15:18
  having been spoken to. If you remember, sir, mister Todd went out
• 3:15:22
  in the automobile with a party earlier in the afternoon, so we did,
• 3:15:26
  Jeeves, So we did, I said, looking at my watch. Did
• 3:15:30
  he say when he would be back? He gave me to understand, so
• 3:15:33
  that he would be somewhat late in returning. He vanished, and the ant
• 3:15:37
  took the chair which I'd forgotten to offer her. She looked at me in
• 3:15:41
  rather a rummy way. It was a nasty look. It made me feel
• 3:15:45
  as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later
• 3:15:48
  on when he had time. My own ant, Agatha, back in England,
• 3:15:50
  has looked at me in exactly the same way many a time, and
• 3:15:54
  it never fails to make my spine. Girl, you seem very much at
• 3:15:58
  home here, young man. He's a great friend of Ratmadlers. Oh yes,
• 3:16:03
  rather, she frowned, as if she'd expected better things of old Rocky.
• 3:16:05
  Well you need to be, she said, the way you treat as
• 3:16:09
  flat as your own I give you my word to this quite unforeseen slam simply
• 3:16:15
  robbed me of the power of speech. I've been looking on myself in the
• 3:16:18
  light of the dashing host, and suddenly to be treated as an intruder jarred
• 3:16:22
  me. It wasn't Marco as if she had spoken in a way to suggest
• 3:16:24
  that she considered my presence in the place as an ordinary social call. She
• 3:16:28
  obviously looked on me as a cross between a burglar and the plumber's man come
• 3:16:31
  to fix the leak in the bathroom. It hurt her my being there at
• 3:16:37
  this juncture, with the conversation showing every sign of being about to die in
• 3:16:39
  awful agonies. An idea came to me. Tea a good old standby.
• 3:16:45
  Would you care for a cup of tea? I said, pee. She
• 3:16:48
  spoke as if she had never heard of the stuff. Nothing like a cup
• 3:16:52
  after a journey, I said, fuck you up. Puts a bit of
• 3:16:54
  zip into you. What I mean is restores you and so on. Don't
• 3:16:56
  you know I'll go and tell Jeeves. I tottered down the passage. At
• 3:17:01
  Jeeves's lair. The man was reading the evening paper as if he hadn't a
• 3:17:03
  care in the world. Jeeves, I said, we want some tea.
• 3:17:07
  Very good, sir, I say, Jeeves, this is a bit thick.
• 3:17:11
  What I wanted sympathy, don't you know, sympathy and kindness. The
• 3:17:15
  old nerve centers have had the deuce of a shock. She's got the idea
• 3:17:18
  this place belongs to mister Todd. What on earth put that into her head?
• 3:17:22
  Jeeves filled the kettle with a restrained dignity, no doubt, because of
• 3:17:26
  mister Todd's letters, sir. He said. It was my suggestion, sir,
• 3:17:30
  if you remember that they should be addressed from this apartment, in order
• 3:17:33
  that mister Todd should appear to possess a good central residence in the city.
• 3:17:37
  I remembered. We had thought it a brainy scheme at the time. Well,
• 3:17:41
  it's dashed awkward, you know, Jeeves, she looks on me as
• 3:17:43
  an intruder. I jove, I suppose she thinks I'm someone who hangs about
• 3:17:48
  hair, touching mister Todd for free meals and borrowing his shirts. Extremely probable,
• 3:17:52
  sir. It's pretty rotten, you know, most disturbing, sir.
• 3:17:56
  And there's another thing. What are we to do about mister Todd. We've
• 3:18:00
  got to get him up here as soon as ever we can. When you
• 3:18:01
  have brought the tea, you'd better go out and send him a telegram telling
• 3:18:05
  him to come up by the next train. Oh, you have already done
• 3:18:07
  so, sir. I took the liberty of writing the message and dispatching it
• 3:18:11
  by the lift attendant. I shove you think of everything, Jeeves, thank
• 3:18:15
  you, sir, A little but a toast with the tea, just so,
• 3:18:18
  sir, thank you. I went back to the sitting room. She
• 3:18:22
  hadn't moved an inch. She was still bolt upright on the edge of her
• 3:18:24
  chair, gripping her umbrell like a hammer thrower. She gave me another of
• 3:18:28
  those looks as I came in. There was no doubt about it. For
• 3:18:31
  some reason she had taken a dislike to me. I suppose because I wasn't
• 3:18:35
  George m cohan. It was a bit hard at chap. This is a
• 3:18:39
  surprise, what I said, after about five minutes RESTful silence, trying to
• 3:18:43
  crank the conversation up again, What is a surprise? You're coming here,
• 3:18:48
  don't you know? And so on. She raised her eyebrows and drank me
• 3:18:50
  in a bit more through her glasses. Why is it surprising that I should
• 3:18:54
  visit my only nephew, she said, Oh? Rather, I said,
• 3:18:58
  of course, certainly. That's what I mean is Jeeves projected himself into the
• 3:19:03
  room with the tea. I was jolly glad to see him. There's nothing
• 3:19:05
  like having a bit of business arranged for one when one isn't certain of one's
• 3:19:09
  lines with the teapot to fool about with. I felt happier T T T
• 3:19:13
  what what I said it wasn't what I had meant to say. My idea
• 3:19:18
  had been to be a good deal more formal and so on. Still it
• 3:19:20
  covered the situation. I bought her out a cup. She sipped it and
• 3:19:24
  put the cup down with a shudder. If you mean to say, young
• 3:19:28
  man, she said, frostily, that you expect me to drink this stuff
• 3:19:33
  rather fucks you up? You know what do you mean by the expression bucks
• 3:19:39
  you up? Well, Mikechi full of beans? You know, Michia fizz
• 3:19:41
  I don't understand a word you say. You're englished you I admitted it.
• 3:19:48
  She didn't say a word, and she did it in a way that made
• 3:19:50
  it worse than if she'd spoken for hours. Somehow it was brought home to
• 3:19:54
  me that she didn't like Englishmen, and that if she had had to meet
• 3:19:58
  an Englishman, I was the one she'd have chosen. Last conversation languished once
• 3:20:03
  more after that. Then I tried again. I was becoming more convinced every
• 3:20:07
  moment that you can't make a real lively salon with a couple of people,
• 3:20:11
  especially if one of them lets it go award at a time. Are you
• 3:20:13
  comfortable in your hotel? I said, at which hotel? The hotel you
• 3:20:18
  staying it? I am not staying at a hotel stopping with friends? What
• 3:20:24
  I am naturally stapping with my nephew. I didn't get it for the moment.
• 3:20:30
  Then it hit me, what here? I gurgled, Certainly, where
• 3:20:33
  else should I go? The full horror of the situation rolled over me like
• 3:20:37
  a wave. I couldn't see what on earth I was to do. I
• 3:20:41
  couldn't explain that this wasn't Rocky's flat without giving the poor old chap away hopelessly,
• 3:20:46
  because she would then ask me where he did live, and then he
• 3:20:50
  would be right in the soup. I was trying to recover from the shock
• 3:20:54
  when she spoke again, well, you kindly tell my nephew's man servant to
• 3:20:58
  prepare my room. I wish to lie down your nephew's man servant, the
• 3:21:03
  man you call Jeeves. If rak Meddelari is goan for an automobile ride,
• 3:21:07
  there is no need for you to wait for him. He will naturally wish
• 3:21:11
  to be alone with me when he returns I found myself tottering out of the
• 3:21:16
  room. The thing was too much for me. I crept into Jeeves.
• 3:21:18
  Den Jeeves, I whispered, Sir, mix me a B and s Jeeves.
• 3:21:24
  I feel weak, very good, sir. This is getting thicker every
• 3:21:26
  minute, Jeeves, Sir. She thinks you of mister Todd's man. She
• 3:21:31
  thinks the whole place is his and everything in it. I don't see what
• 3:21:33
  you're to do except stay on and keep it up. We can't say anything
• 3:21:37
  or she'll get onto the whole thing. And I don't want to let mister
• 3:21:39
  Todd down By the way, Jeeves, she wants you to prepare her bed.
• 3:21:43
  He looked wounded. It is hardly my place, sir. I know,
• 3:21:48
  I know, but do it as a personal favor to me if you
• 3:21:50
  come to that. It's hardly my place to be flung out of the flat
• 3:21:52
  like this and have to go to a hotel. What is it your intention
• 3:21:56
  to go to a hotel, sir? What who you do for clothes?
• 3:22:01
  Good Lord, I haven't thought of that. Can you put a few things
• 3:22:03
  in a bag when she isn't looking and sneak them down to me at the
• 3:22:07
  scent aria. I will endeavor to do so, sir, Well, I
• 3:22:11
  don't think there's anything more, is there? Tell mister Todd where I am
• 3:22:13
  when he gets here. Very good, sir. I looked around the place.
• 3:22:18
  The moment of parting had come. I felt sad. The whole thing
• 3:22:22
  reminded me of one of those melodramas where they drive chappies out of the old
• 3:22:26
  homestead into the snow. Goodbye, Jeeves, I said, goodbye, sir,
• 3:22:31
  and I staggered out. You know, I rather think I agree with
• 3:22:33
  those poet and philosopher Johnnies who insists that a fellow ought to be devilish,
• 3:22:37
  pleased to be as a bit of trouble, all that stuff about being refined
• 3:22:41
  by suffering. You know, suffering does give a chap a sort of broader
• 3:22:45
  and more sympathetic outlook. It helps you to understand that the people's misfortunes if
• 3:22:48
  you've been through the same thing yourself. As I stood in my lonely bedroom
• 3:22:52
  at the hotel trying to tie my white tie myself, it struck me for
• 3:22:56
  the first time that there must be whole squads of chappies in the world who
• 3:23:00
  had to get along without a man to look after them. I'd always thought
• 3:23:03
  of Jeeves as a kind of natural phenomenon. But by Jove, of course,
• 3:23:05
  when you come to think of it, there must be quite a lot
• 3:23:09
  of fellows who have to press their own clothes themselves, and haven't got anybody
• 3:23:13
  to bring them tea in the morning and so on. It was rather a
• 3:23:16
  solemn thought, don't you know, I mean to say. Ever since then,
• 3:23:18
  I've been able to appreciate the frightful privations the poor have to stick.
• 3:23:22
  I got dressed somehow, Jeeves hadn't forgotten a thing in his packing. Everything
• 3:23:26
  was there, down to the final stud I'm not sure this didn't make me
• 3:23:30
  feel worse. It kind of deepened the pathos. It was like what somebody
• 3:23:33
  or other wrote about the touch of a vanished hand. I had a bit
• 3:23:37
  of dinner somewhere and went to a show of some kind, but nothing seemed
• 3:23:41
  to make any difference. I simply hadn't the heart to go on to supper
• 3:23:45
  anywhere. I just went straight up to bed. I don't know when I
• 3:23:48
  felt so rotten. Somehow I found myself moving about the room softly, as
• 3:23:52
  if there had been a death in the family. If I had had anybody
• 3:23:56
  to talk to I should have talked in a whisper. In fact, when
• 3:23:58
  the telep bell rang, I answered in such a sad, hushed voice that
• 3:24:03
  the fellow at the other end of the wire said a hollo five times,
• 3:24:05
  thinking he hadn't gotten me. It was Rocky. The poor old scout was
• 3:24:09
  deeply agitated. Bertie, Is that you? Bertie? Oh gosh, I'm
• 3:24:13
  having a time. Where are you speaking from the midnight revels. We've been
• 3:24:18
  here an hour and I think we're a fixture for the night. I told
• 3:24:20
  Anne Isabel, I've gotten out to call up a friend to join us.
• 3:24:24
  She's glued to a chair with this is the life written all over her,
• 3:24:26
  taking it through the pores. She loves it, and I'm nearly crazy.
• 3:24:31
  Tell me, old top I said a little more of this, he said,
• 3:24:35
  and I shall sneak quietly off to the river and end it all.
• 3:24:37
  Do you mean to say you go through the sort of thing every night,
• 3:24:41
  Bertie and enjoy it? It's simply infernal. I was just snatching a wink
• 3:24:43
  asleep behind the bill of fare just now when about a million yelling girls swooped
• 3:24:48
  down with toy balloons. There are two orchestras here each trying to see if
• 3:24:52
  it can't play louder than the other. I'm a mental and physical wreck.
• 3:24:56
  When your telegram arrived, I was just lying down for a quiet pipe,
• 3:25:00
  with a sense of absolute peace stealing over me. I had to get dressed
• 3:25:03
  and sprint two miles to catch the train, and nearly gave me heart failure.
• 3:25:07
  And on top of that, I almost got brain fever inventing lies to
• 3:25:09
  tell an Isabel, And then I had to cram myself into these confounded evening
• 3:25:13
  clothes of years. I gave a sharp wail of agony. It hadn't struck
• 3:25:18
  me till then that Rocky was depending on my wardrobe to see him through.
• 3:25:22
  You'll ruin them, I hope, so said Rocky in the most unpleasant way.
• 3:25:26
  His trouble seem to have had the worst effect on his character. I
• 3:25:30
  should like to get back at them somehow. They've given me a bad enough
• 3:25:33
  time. They're about three sizes too small, and something's apt to give At
• 3:25:35
  any moment, I wished a goodness I would and give me a chance to
• 3:25:39
  breathe. I haven't breathed since half past seven, And Kevin Jeeves managed to
• 3:25:43
  get out and buy me a collar that fitted, or I should be a
• 3:25:46
  strangled corpse by now. It was touching go till the stud broke, Bertie,
• 3:25:50
  this is pure at hades. And Isabelle keeps on urging me to dance.
• 3:25:54
  How on earth can I dance when I don't know a soul to dance
• 3:25:56
  with? And how the deuce could I even if I I knew every girl
• 3:26:00
  in the place. It's taking big chances even to move in these trousers.
• 3:26:03
  I had to tell her I've hurt my ankle. She keeps asking me when
• 3:26:07
  Cohen and Stone are going to turn up, and it's simply a question of
• 3:26:09
  time before she discovers that Stone is sitting two tables away. Something's got to
• 3:26:13
  be done, Bertie, you got to think up some way of getting me
• 3:26:16
  out of this mess. It was you who got me into it. Me,
• 3:26:20
  what do you mean, well, Jeeves, then it's all the same.
• 3:26:22
  It was you who suggested living it to Jeeves. It was those letters
• 3:26:26
  I wrote from his notes that did the mischief. They made them too good.
• 3:26:28
  My aunt's just been telling me about it. She says. She had
• 3:26:31
  resigned herself to ending her life where she was, and then my letters began
• 3:26:35
  to arrive describing the joys of New York, and they stimulated her to such
• 3:26:39
  an extent that she pulled herself together and made the trip. She seems to
• 3:26:41
  think she's had some miraculous kind of faith cure. I tell you I can't
• 3:26:46
  stand at Bertie. It's got to end. Did Jeeves think of anything?
• 3:26:50
  No? He just hangs around, saying most disturbing, sir, I that
• 3:26:54
  lot of help, that is wild, led, I said, after all,
• 3:26:56
  that's far worse for me than it is for you. You've got to
• 3:27:00
  comfortable home and Jeeves and just saving a lot of money. Saving money?
• 3:27:03
  What do you mean saving money? What the allowance you read was giving you?
• 3:27:05
  I suppose she's paying all the expenses now, isn't she? Certainly she
• 3:27:09
  is, But she stopped the allowance. She wrote the lawyers tonight. She
• 3:27:13
  says that now she's in New York, there is no necessity for it to
• 3:27:16
  go on, as we shall always be together, and it's simpler for her
• 3:27:20
  to look after that end of it. I tell you, Bertie, I've
• 3:27:22
  examined the damned cloud with a microscope, and if it's got a silver lining,
• 3:27:26
  it's some little dissembler. The rocky old tumpet's too bally awful. You've
• 3:27:30
  gone notion of what I'm going through in this beastly hotel without Jeeves, I
• 3:27:33
  must get back to the flat. Don't come near the flat. But it's
• 3:27:37
  my own flat. I can't help that. And Isabel doesn't like you.
• 3:27:41
  She asked me what you did for a living, and when I told her
• 3:27:43
  you didn't do anything, she said she thought as much, and that you
• 3:27:46
  were a typical specimen of a useless and decaying aristocracy. So if you think
• 3:27:52
  you have made a hit, forget it now. I must be going back
• 3:27:54
  or she'll be coming out here after me. Goodbye. Next morning, Jeeves
• 3:27:58
  came. It was also homelike when he floated noiselessly into the room that I
• 3:28:03
  nearly broke down. Good morning, sir, he said, I have brought
• 3:28:07
  a few more of your personal belongings. He began to unstrap the suit case
• 3:28:11
  he was carrying. Did you have any trouble sneaking them away? It was
• 3:28:16
  not easy, sir, I had to watch my chance. Miss Rockmetteller is
• 3:28:20
  a remarkably alert lady. You know, Jeeves, say what you like?
• 3:28:24
  This is a bit thick, isn't it. The situation is certainly one that
• 3:28:28
  has never before come under my notice. Sir. I have brought the heather
• 3:28:31
  mixture suit as the climactic conditions are congenial tomorrow, if not prevented, I
• 3:28:37
  will endeavor to add the brown lounge with the faint green twill. It can't
• 3:28:41
  go on this sort of thing, Jeeves. We must hope for the best,
• 3:28:46
  Sir. Can't you think of anything to do? I have been giving
• 3:28:50
  the matter considerable thoughts, sir, but so far without success. I am
• 3:28:54
  placing three silk shirts, the dove colored, the light blue, and the
• 3:28:58
  mauve in the first long Sir, you don't mean to say you can't think
• 3:29:01
  of anything, Jeeves. For the moment, sir, no, you will
• 3:29:05
  find a dozen handkerchiefs and the tan socks in the upper drawer on the left.
• 3:29:11
  He strapped the suitcase and put it on a chair. The curious lady,
• 3:29:15
  Miss rock Medaler, Sir, you understated, Jeeves. He gazed meditatively
• 3:29:20
  out of the window. In many ways, sir, Miss rock Medler reminds
• 3:29:24
  me of an aunt of mine who resides in the southeast portion of London.
• 3:29:28
  Their temperaments are much alike. My aunt has the same taste for the pleasures
• 3:29:31
  of the great city. It is a passion with her to write in handsome
• 3:29:35
  cabs, Sir. Whenever the family take their eyes off her, she escapes
• 3:29:39
  from the house and spends the day riding about in cabs. On several occasions
• 3:29:46
  she has broken into the children's savings bank to secure the means to enable her
• 3:29:50
  to gratify this desire. I love to have these little chats with you about
• 3:29:54
  your female relatives, Jeeves, I said coldly, for I felt that the
• 3:29:58
  man had let me down, and I is fed up with him. But
• 3:30:01
  I don't see what all this has got to do with my trouble. I
• 3:30:03
  beg your pardon, sir. I am leaving a small assortment of our neckties
• 3:30:07
  on the mantelpiece server you to select according to your preference. I should recommend
• 3:30:13
  the blue with the red domino patterns, sir. Then he streained imperceptibly towards
• 3:30:18
  the door and flowed silently out. I've often heard that fellows after some great
• 3:30:22
  shock or loss have a habit after they've been on the floor for a while
• 3:30:26
  wondering what hit them, of picking themselves up and piecing themselves together and sort
• 3:30:30
  of taking a whirl at beginning a new life, time the great healer,
• 3:30:33
  and nature adjusting itself, and so on and so forth. There's a lot
• 3:30:37
  in it. I know, because in my own case, after a day
• 3:30:41
  or two of what you might call prostration, I began to recover. The
• 3:30:43
  frightful loss of Gee's made any thought of pleasure more or less a mockery.
• 3:30:48
  But at least I found that I was able to have a dasher enjoying life
• 3:30:50
  again. What I mean is I braced up to the extent of going around
• 3:30:54
  the cabarets once more, so as to try to forget, if only for
• 3:30:58
  the moment, New York's small place when it comes to the part of it
• 3:31:01
  that wakes up just as the rest is going to bed. And it wasn't
• 3:31:03
  long before my tracks began to cross old rockies. I saw him once it
• 3:31:07
  peals and again it frolics on the roof. There wasn't anybody with him either
• 3:31:11
  time except the ant, And though he was trying to look as if he
• 3:31:15
  had struck the ideal life, it wasn't difficult for me, knowing the circumstances,
• 3:31:18
  to see that beneath the mask, the poor chap was suffering. My
• 3:31:22
  heart bled for the fellow, at least what there was of it that wasn't
• 3:31:26
  bleeding for myself bled for him. He had the air of one who was
• 3:31:28
  about to crack under the strain. It seemed to me that the ant was
• 3:31:33
  looking slightly upset. Also, I took it that she was beginning to wonder
• 3:31:35
  when the celebrities were going to surge round in what had suddenly become of all
• 3:31:39
  those wild, careless spirits Rocky used to mix with in his letters. I
• 3:31:43
  didn't blame her. I had only read a couple of his letters, but
• 3:31:46
  they certainly gave the impression that poor old Rocky was by way of being the
• 3:31:48
  hub of New York night life, and that if by any chance he failed
• 3:31:52
  to show up at a cabaret, the management said, what's the use and
• 3:31:54
  put up the shutters. The next two nights I didn't come across them.
• 3:31:58
  But the night after that, I sitting by myself at the Mason Pierre when
• 3:32:01
  somebody tapped me on the shoulder blade, and I found Rocky standing beside me,
• 3:32:05
  with a sort of mixed expression of wistfulness and apoplexy on his face.
• 3:32:09
  How the man had contrived to wear my evening clothes so many times without disaster
• 3:32:13
  was a mystery to me. He confided later that early in the proceedings he
• 3:32:16
  had slipped the waistcoat up the back, and that had helped a lot.
• 3:32:20
  For a moment, I had the idea that he had managed to get away
• 3:32:22
  from his aunt for the evening. But looking past him, I saw that
• 3:32:26
  she was in again. She was at a table over by the wall,
• 3:32:28
  looking at me as if I were something the management ought to be complained to
• 3:32:31
  about. Verty old Scout, said Rocky in a quiet, sort of crushed
• 3:32:35
  voice. We've always been pals, haven't we. I mean, you know
• 3:32:39
  I do you a good turn if you asked me, My dear old lad,
• 3:32:41
  I said, the man had moved me, and for Heaven's sake,
• 3:32:46
  come over and sit at our table for the rest of the evening. Well,
• 3:32:48
  you know there are limits to the sacred claims of Fridge, my dear
• 3:32:52
  chap, I said, you know, I do anything in reason, but
• 3:32:56
  you must come, Bertie. You've got to something's got to be done to
• 3:32:58
  the her mind. She's brooding about something. She's been like that for the
• 3:33:03
  last two days. I think she's beginning to suspect she can't understand why we
• 3:33:07
  never seem to meet anyone I know at these joints. A few nights ago
• 3:33:11
  I happened to run into two newspaper men I used to know fairly well.
• 3:33:13
  That kept me going for a while. I introduced them to aunt isabel as
• 3:33:16
  David Belasco and Jim Corbett, and it went well. But the effect is
• 3:33:20
  worn off now and she's beginning to under again. Something's gotta be done or
• 3:33:24
  she will find out everything. And if she does, I'd take a nickel
• 3:33:26
  for my chance of getting a cent from her later on. So, for
• 3:33:30
  the love of Mike, come across to our table and help things along.
• 3:33:33
  I went along. One has to rally around. At Palin Distress. Aunt
• 3:33:37
  isabel was sitting bolt upright as usual. It certainly did seem as if she
• 3:33:41
  had lost a bit of the zest with which she had started out to explore
• 3:33:45
  Broadway. She looked as if she had been thinking a good deal about rather
• 3:33:48
  unpleasant things. You've met, Bertie Wooster, aunt Isabelle said, Rocky,
• 3:33:52
  I have take a seat. Bertie said Rocky, And so the merry party
• 3:33:58
  began. It was one of those jolly, happy bread crumbling parties where you
• 3:34:01
  coughed twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all,
• 3:34:03
  After we had had an hour of this wild dissipation, and Isabelle said
• 3:34:07
  she wanted to go home. In the light of what Rocky had been telling
• 3:34:11
  me, this struck me as sinister. I had gathered that at the beginning
• 3:34:15
  of her visit she had had to be dragged home with ropes, and must
• 3:34:18
  have hit Rocky the same way, for he gave me a pleading look.
• 3:34:20
  He'll come along, won't you, Bertie, and have a drink at the
• 3:34:24
  flat. I had a feeling that this wasn't in the contract, but there
• 3:34:26
  wasn't anything to be done. It seemed brutal to leave the poor chap alone
• 3:34:31
  with the woman, so I went along right from the start. From the
• 3:34:33
  moment we stepped into the taxi, the feeling began to grow that something was
• 3:34:37
  about to break loose. A massive silence prevailed in the corner where the ants
• 3:34:41
  sat, and though Rocky, balancing himself on the little seat in front,
• 3:34:43
  did his best to supply dialogue, we were at a chatty party. I
• 3:34:48
  had a glimpse of gees as we went into the flat. Sitting in his
• 3:34:50
  lair and I wished I could have called to him to rally round. Something
• 3:34:54
  told me that I was about to need him. The stuff was on the
• 3:34:56
  table in the sitting room. Rocky took up the decanter, say wan Birdie
• 3:35:01
  stap barked the ant, and he dropped it. I caught Roky's eye as
• 3:35:05
  he stooped to pick up the ruins. It was the eye of one who
• 3:35:07
  sees it coming. Leave it there, Rachmetteler said, Aunt Isabel, and
• 3:35:11
  Rocky left it there. The time has come to speak, she said,
• 3:35:16
  I cannot stand. I'd leap by and see a young man going to perdition.
• 3:35:20
  Poor old Rocky gave a sort of gurgle, a kind of sound rather
• 3:35:22
  like the whiskey had made, running out of the decanter on to my carpet.
• 3:35:26
  Eh, he said, blinking be and proceeded. The fault, she
• 3:35:30
  said, was mine. I had not then seen the light, but now
• 3:35:33
  my eyes are open. I see the hideous mistake I have made. I
• 3:35:35
  shudder at the thought of the wrong I did you, rock Metdeler by urging
• 3:35:39
  you to contact with this wicked city. I saw Rocky grow feebly for the
• 3:35:43
  table. His fingers touched it. And a look of relief came into the
• 3:35:46
  poor chappy's face. I understood his feelings. But when I wrote you that
• 3:35:50
  letter roch Medeler instructing you to go to the city and live a slave,
• 3:35:54
  I had not had the privilege of hearing mister Mundy speak on the subject of
• 3:35:56
  New York. Jimmy Mundy, I cried. You know how it is sometimes
• 3:36:01
  when everything seems all mixed up and you suddenly get a clue. When she
• 3:36:05
  mentioned Jimmy Mundy, I began to understand more or less what had happened.
• 3:36:09
  I'd seen it happen before. I remember back in England, the man I
• 3:36:11
  had before, Jeeves sneaked off to a meeting on his evening out and came
• 3:36:15
  back and denounced me in front of a crowded chappe's. I was giving a
• 3:36:18
  bit of supp or to as a useless plot on the fabric of society.
• 3:36:20
  The ant gave me a withering up and down. Yes, Jimmy Mundy,
• 3:36:26
  she said, I am surprised at a man of your staff, having heard
• 3:36:28
  of him. There is no music, There are no drunken dancing men,
• 3:36:31
  no shameless flunting women at his meetings. So for you, they would have
• 3:36:35
  no attraction but for others less dead in sin. He has his message.
• 3:36:39
  He has come to save New York from itself, to force it, in
• 3:36:43
  his picturesque phrase, to hit the trail. It was three days ago,
• 3:36:46
  Rachmteler, that I first heard him. It was an accident that took me
• 3:36:48
  to his meeting. How often in life a mere accident may shape our whole
• 3:36:52
  future. You had been called away by that telephone message from mister Blasco,
• 3:36:56
  so you could not take me to the hippodrome as we had a race.
• 3:37:00
  I asked your man servant Jeeves to take me there. The man has very
• 3:37:03
  little intelligence. He seems to have misunderstood me. I am thankful that he
• 3:37:07
  did. He took me to what I subsequently learned was Madison Square Garden,
• 3:37:11
  where mister Mundy is holding his meetings. He escorted me to a seat and
• 3:37:15
  then left me. And it was not till the meeting had begun that I
• 3:37:18
  discovered the mistake which had been made. My seat was in the middle of
• 3:37:20
  a row. I could not leave without inconveniencing a great many people, so
• 3:37:24
  I remained. She gulped rock Medeler. I have never been so thankful for
• 3:37:28
  anything else. Mister Mundy was wonderful. He was like some profit of old,
• 3:37:31
  scouring the sins of the people. He leaped about in a frenzy of
• 3:37:35
  inspiration until I feared he would do himself an injury. Sometimes he expressed himself
• 3:37:39
  in a somewhat odd manner, but every word carried conviction. He showed me
• 3:37:43
  New York and its true colors. He showed me the vanity and wickedness of
• 3:37:46
  sitting in gilded haunts of ice eating lobster when decent people should be in bed.
• 3:37:50
  He said that the tango and the fox trot were devices of the devil
• 3:37:54
  to drag people down into the bottomless pit. He said that there was more
• 3:37:56
  sinning ten minutes with a Negro banjo orchestra than in all the ancient rills of
• 3:38:01
  Naneva and Babylon. And when he stood on one leg and pointed right at
• 3:38:05
  where I was sitting and shouted, this means you I could have sunk through
• 3:38:07
  the floor. I came away a changed woman. Surely you must have noticed
• 3:38:11
  the change in me, Rock Medler. You must have seen that I was
• 3:38:15
  no longer the careless, thoughtless person who had urged you to dance in those
• 3:38:18
  places of wickedness. Rocky was holding on to the table as if it was
• 3:38:22
  his only friend. Yes, he stammered, I thought something was wrong,
• 3:38:26
  wrong, something was right, Everything was right, rock Metallar. It is
• 3:38:30
  not too late for you to be saved. You have only sipped of the
• 3:38:31
  evil cup, you have not drained it. It will be hard at first,
• 3:38:35
  but you will find that you can do it if you fight with a
• 3:38:37
  stout heart against the glamour and fascination of this dreadful city. Won't you,
• 3:38:41
  for my sake try, rock Meddaler. Won't you go to the country tomorrow
• 3:38:43
  and begin the struggle little by little if you use your will. I can't
• 3:38:48
  help thinking it must have been that word will that roused dear old Rocky like
• 3:38:52
  a trumpet call. It must have brought home to him the realization that a
• 3:38:54
  miracle had come off and saved him from being cut out of at Isabelle's At
• 3:38:58
  any rate she said it, he perked up, let go of the table,
• 3:39:01
  and faced her with gleaming eyes. Do you want me to go to
• 3:39:05
  the country, Aunt isabel Yes? To live in the country, Yes,
• 3:39:09
  roch Mitdeler, stay in the country all the time never come to New York.
• 3:39:13
  Yes, rach Middeler, I mean just that it is the only way,
• 3:39:16
  only there can you be safe from temptation? Would you do it?
• 3:39:18
  Rock Mitdeler? Will you for my sake? Rocky grabbed the table again.
• 3:39:22
  He seemed to draw a lot of encouragement from that table. I will,
• 3:39:26
  he said, Jeeves, I said. It was next day, and I
• 3:39:28
  was back in the old flat, lying in the old armchair with my feet
• 3:39:31
  upon the good old table. I had just come from seeing dear old Rocky
• 3:39:35
  off to his country cottage, and an hour before he had seen his aunt
• 3:39:39
  off to whatever hamlet it was that she was the curse of. So we
• 3:39:41
  were alone at last, Jeeves. There's no place like home? What very
• 3:39:46
  true, sir. The jolly aproof tree and all that sort of thing.
• 3:39:48
  What precisely, sir? I lit another cigarette, Jeeves, sir, do
• 3:39:54
  you know at one point I'm the business I really thought you were baffled in
• 3:39:58
  need? Sir? What did you get the idea of taking miss rock Middeler
• 3:40:01
  to the meeting? It was pure genius, thank you, sir. It
• 3:40:05
  came to me a little suddenly one morning when I was thinking of my answer,
• 3:40:09
  your aunt the handsome cab one. Yes, sir, I recollected that
• 3:40:13
  whenever we observed one of her attacks coming on, we used to send her
• 3:40:16
  for the clergyman of the parish. We always found that if he talked to
• 3:40:20
  her a while of higher things, it diverted her mind from handsome cabs.
• 3:40:22
  It occurred to me that the same treatment might prove efficacious in the case of
• 3:40:26
  miss Rockmettler. I was stunned by the man's resource. It's brain, I
• 3:40:31
  said, pure brain. What do you do to get like that? Jeeves?
• 3:40:33
  I believe you must eat a lot of fish or something. Do you
• 3:40:37
  eat a lot of fish? Jeeves? No, sir, Oh, well,
• 3:40:39
  then it's just a gift. I take it. And if you aren't
• 3:40:43
  born that way, there's no use worrying precisely, Sir, said Jeeves.
• 3:40:46
  If I might make the suggestion, Sir, I should not continue to wear
• 3:40:50
  your present tie. The green shade gives you a slightly bilious air. I
• 3:40:54
  should strongly advocate the blue with the red domino pattern instead. Sir, all
• 3:40:58
  right, Jeeves, I said, humbly. You know the rummy affair of
• 3:41:03
  old Biffy, Jeeves, I said, emerging from the old tub another round,
• 3:41:07
  Yes, sir, I beamed on the man with no little geniality.
• 3:41:11
  I was putting in a week or two in Paris at the moment, and
• 3:41:15
  there's something about Paris that always makes me feel fairly full of Espigrarie and Jadavive
• 3:41:20
  lay out our gent's medium, smart, raim and suitable for bohemian rebels.
• 3:41:24
  I said, I am lunching with an art to sploake on the other side
• 3:41:28
  of the river. Very good, sir, And if anybody calls for me,
• 3:41:31
  jeeves say that I shall be back towards the quiet even ful, Yes,
• 3:41:35
  sir, mister Biffin rang up on the telephone while you were in your
• 3:41:39
  bath, mister Biffin, good heavens amazing how one's always running across fellows in
• 3:41:45
  foreign cities, cubs, I mean, whom you haven't seen for ages and
• 3:41:48
  would have bed it weren't anywhere in the neighborhood. Paris was the last place
• 3:41:52
  where I should have expected to find old Biffy popping up. There was a
• 3:41:54
  time when he and I had been lads about town together, lunching and dining
• 3:41:58
  together practically every day. But some eighteen months back his old godmother had died
• 3:42:03
  and left him that place in Herefordshire, and he had retired there to wear
• 3:42:05
  gaiters and broad cows in the ribs, and generally be the country gentleman and
• 3:42:09
  landed proprietor. Since then I had hardly seen him, well Piffy in Paris.
• 3:42:13
  What's he doing here? He did not confide in me, Sir,
• 3:42:18
  said Jeeves a trifle frostily. I thought it sounded somehow as if he didn't
• 3:42:22
  like Biffy, and yet they had always been made enough in the old days.
• 3:42:26
  Was he staying at the hotel Avenida Rue de Colisse, Sir? He
• 3:42:31
  informed me that he was about to take a walk and would call this afternoon.
• 3:42:35
  Well, if he comes, what I'm out tell him to wait.
• 3:42:37
  And now, Jeeves migons munchepeaux I le wonghi de messieur, I must be
• 3:42:43
  popping. It was such a kirking day, and I had so much time
• 3:42:46
  in hand that near the Sorbahne I stopped my cab, deciding to walk the
• 3:42:50
  rest of the way. And I had hardly gone three steps and a half
• 3:42:54
  when there on the pavement before me stood old Biffy in person. If I
• 3:42:58
  had completed the last step I should have rammed him, Biffy, I cried,
• 3:43:01
  well, well, well, he peered at me in a blinking kind
• 3:43:03
  of way, rather like one of his Herefordshire cows, prodded unexpectedly well lynching
• 3:43:09
  Bardee, he gurgled in a devout sort of tone. Thank God, He
• 3:43:13
  clutched my arm. Don't leave me, Bartie, I'm lost. What do
• 3:43:16
  you mean lost? I came out for a walk and suddenly discovered, after
• 3:43:18
  a mile or two that I didn't know where or earth I was. I've
• 3:43:22
  been wandering round in circles for hours. Why didn't you ask the way?
• 3:43:26
  I can't speak a word of French? Well, why didn't you call the
• 3:43:28
  taxi? I suddenly discovered I'd left all my money at my hotel. You
• 3:43:33
  could have taken a cab and paid it when you got to the hotel.
• 3:43:35
  Yes, but I suddenly discovered dash it that I'd forgotten its name. And
• 3:43:41
  there in a nutshell you have Charles Edward Biffin as vague and Woolen headed up
• 3:43:46
  later as ever bit a sandwich. Goodness knows, and my aunt Agatha will
• 3:43:50
  bear me out on this. I'm no master mind myself, but compare with
• 3:43:54
  Biffy I'm one of the great thinkers of all time. I give a shilling,
• 3:43:58
  said Biffy wistfully to know the name of that hotel. You can know
• 3:44:01
  it me, Hotel Lavenita Rue de Colisse Bardie. This is uncanny. How
• 3:44:05
  the dooce did you know? That was the address you left with Jeeves this
• 3:44:09
  morning? So it was I'd forgotten. We'll come along and have a drink
• 3:44:13
  and then I'll put you in a cab and send you home. I'm engaged
• 3:44:15
  for lunch, but I've plenty of time. We drifted to one of the
• 3:44:18
  eleven cafes, which adjustled each other along the street, and I ordered restoratives.
• 3:44:22
  What on earth are you doing in Paris, I asked, party old
• 3:44:26
  man, said Biffy solemnly. I came here to try and forget. Well,
• 3:44:30
  you've certainly succeeded. You don't understand the fact, is Bertie, old
• 3:44:33
  lad. My heart is broken. I'll tell you the whole story. No,
• 3:44:37
  I say, I protested, But he was off last year, said
• 3:44:41
  Biffy. I buzzed over in a Canada to do a bit of salmon fishing.
• 3:44:45
  I ordered another. If this was going to be a fish story,
• 3:44:46
  I needed stimulants on the line A going to New York, and I met
• 3:44:50
  a girl. Biffy made a sort of curious gulping noise, not unlike a
• 3:44:54
  bulldog trying to swallow have a cutlet in a hurry so as to be ready
• 3:44:56
  for the other half. Bertie, old man. I can't describer I simply
• 3:45:01
  can't describe her. This was all to the good. She was wonderful.
• 3:45:05
  We used to walk on the boat deck after dinner. She was on the
• 3:45:07
  stage at least sort of how do you mean, sort of? Well,
• 3:45:11
  she had posed for artists and been a mannequin and a big dressmakers and all
• 3:45:13
  that sort of thing, don't you know. Anyway, she had saved up
• 3:45:16
  a few pounds and was on our way to see if she could get a
• 3:45:18
  job in New York. She told me all about herself. Her father ran
• 3:45:22
  a milkwalk and Clapham or it may have been cricklewed. At least it was
• 3:45:26
  either a milkwalk or a boot shop. Easily confused. What I'm trying to
• 3:45:30
  make you understand, said Biffy, is that she came a good, sturdy,
• 3:45:33
  respectable, middle class stuck nothing flashy about her, the sort of wife
• 3:45:37
  any man might have been proud of, well, whose wife was she?
• 3:45:41
  No buddy's. That's the whole point of the story. I wanted her to
• 3:45:43
  be mine, and I lost her, had a quarrel. Do you mean
• 3:45:46
  no, I don't mean we had a quarrel. I mean I literally lost
• 3:45:50
  her. The last I ever saw of her was in the custom sheds in
• 3:45:52
  New York. We were behind a pile of trunks, and I had just
• 3:45:56
  asked her to be my wife, and she had just said she would,
• 3:45:58
  and everything was perfectly splendid when a most offensive blighter in a pinked cap came
• 3:46:03
  up to talk about some cigarettes, which he had found at the bottom of
• 3:46:07
  my trunk, and which I had forgotten to declare. It was getting pretty
• 3:46:11
  late by then, for we hadn't dock till about ten thirty, so I
• 3:46:13
  told Mabel to go on to her hotel and I would come around next day
• 3:46:16
  and take her to lunch. And since then I haven't set eyes on her.
• 3:46:20
  I mean she wasn't at the hotel. Probably she was, but it
• 3:46:24
  don't mean you never turned up, Bartie, old man said Fiffy in an
• 3:46:28
  overwrought kind of way. For heaven's sake, don't keep trying to tell me
• 3:46:31
  what I mean and what I don't mean. Let me tell this my own
• 3:46:35
  way, or I shall get all mixed up and have to go back to
• 3:46:37
  the beginning. Tell it your own way, I said, hastily. Well,
• 3:46:41
  then to put it in a word, Bartie, I forgot the name
• 3:46:43
  of the hotel. By the time I'd done half an hour's heavy explaining about
• 3:46:46
  those cigarettes, my mind was a blank. I had an idea I'd written
• 3:46:48
  the name down somewhere, but I couldn't have done, for it wasn't in
• 3:46:52
  any of the papers in my pocket. No, it was no good.
• 3:46:54
  She was gone. But didn't you make inquiries? Well, the fact is,
• 3:46:58
  Bertie, I had forgotten her nen huh, no dash it, I
• 3:47:01
  said. This seemed a bit too thick, even for Biffy. How could
• 3:47:05
  you forget her name? Besides you told me it a moment ago, Muriel
• 3:47:07
  or something. Mabel directed Biffy coldly. It was her surname I'd forgotten,
• 3:47:11
  so I gave it up and went to Canada. But half a second,
• 3:47:15
  I said, you must have told her your name. I mean, if
• 3:47:16
  you couldn't trace her, she could trace you exactly. That's what makes it
• 3:47:20
  all seem so infernally hopeless. She knows my name and where I live in
• 3:47:24
  everything, but I haven't heard a word from her. I suppose when I
• 3:47:26
  didn't turn up with the hotel, she took it that that was my way
• 3:47:30
  of hinting delicately that I had changed my mind and wanted to call the thing
• 3:47:33
  off. I suppose so I said, they didn't seem anything else. To
• 3:47:37
  suppose, Well, the only thing to do is to whizz around and try
• 3:47:39
  to heal the bomb. But how a dinner tonight winding up with the abbey
• 3:47:43
  or one of those places. If he shook his head, it wouldn't be
• 3:47:46
  any good. I've tried it. Besides, I'm living on the four o'clock
• 3:47:50
  train. I have a dinner engagement tomorrow with a man who's nibbling at that
• 3:47:52
  house of mine in Hertfordshire. Oh why are you trying to sell that place?
• 3:47:56
  I thought you liked it. I did, But the idea of going
• 3:47:58
  on living in that great, lonely barn of a house after what has happened
• 3:48:03
  a poll's may party. So when Sir Roderick Glossop came along, Sir Roderick
• 3:48:07
  Glossop, you don't mean the looney doctor, a great knarf specialist. Yes,
• 3:48:11
  why do you know him? It was a warm day, but I
• 3:48:13
  shivered. I was engaged to his daughter for a week or two, I
• 3:48:16
  said, in a hushed voice. The memory of that narrow squeak always made
• 3:48:20
  me feel faint. Has he a daughter? Said Pivy absently. He has?
• 3:48:24
  Let me tell you all about not just now, old man, said
• 3:48:26
  Piffy, getting up. I ought to be going back to my hotel to
• 3:48:30
  see about my packing, which, after I had listened to his story,
• 3:48:33
  struck me as pretty low down. However, the longer you live, the
• 3:48:37
  more you realize that the good old sporting spirit of give and take has practically
• 3:48:41
  died out in our mists. So I booted him into a cab and went
• 3:48:43
  on to lunch the Kenne. More than ten days after this that I received
• 3:48:48
  a nasty shock while getting outside my morning teen toast. The English papers had
• 3:48:52
  arrived, and Gee's was just drifting out of the room after depositing the Times
• 3:48:56
  by my bedside, when as I idly turned the pages in search of the
• 3:48:58
  sporting section, a paragraph leaped out and hit me squarely in the eyeball.
• 3:49:03
  As follows forthcoming marriages Mister C. E. Biffin and Miss Glossop. The
• 3:49:09
  engagement is announced between Charles Edward only, son of the late mister E.
• 3:49:13
  C. Biffin and Missus Biffin of eleven Penslow Square, Mayfair and Honoria Jane
• 3:49:18
  Louise, only, daughter of Sir Roderick and Lady Glossop of six B Harley
• 3:49:22
  Street, West Great Scott, I exclaimed, Sir, said Jeeves, turning
• 3:49:28
  at the door. Jeeves, you remember miss Glossop, very vividly, Sir,
• 3:49:31
  She's engaged to mister Biffin. Indeed, Sir, said Jeeves, and
• 3:49:37
  with not another word, he slid out the Blighter's calm, amazed and shocked
• 3:49:41
  me. It seemed to indicate that there must be a horrible streak of callousness
• 3:49:43
  in him. I mean to say, it wasn't as if he didn't know
• 3:49:46
  Honoria Glossop. I read the paragraph again, a peculiar feeling it gave me.
• 3:49:52
  I don't know if you have ever experienced the sensation of seeing the announcement
• 3:49:56
  of the engagement of a pal of yours to a girl whom you will only
• 3:49:58
  say for marrying herself by the skin of your teeth. It induces a sort
• 3:50:03
  of well, it's difficult to describe it exactly, but I should imagine a
• 3:50:07
  fellow would feel much the same if he happened to be strolling through the jungle
• 3:50:09
  with a boyhood chum and met a tigris or a jaguar or whatnot, and
• 3:50:13
  managed to shin up a tree and look down and saw the friend of his
• 3:50:16
  youth vanishing into the undergrowth in the animal's slavering jaws. A sort of profound
• 3:50:22
  prayer, whole relief, if you know what I mean, blended at the
• 3:50:24
  same time with a pang of pity. What I'm driving at is that thankful
• 3:50:28
  as I was that I hadn't had to marry Honoria myself, I was sorry
• 3:50:33
  to see a real good chap like old Biffy copying it. I suck down
• 3:50:35
  a spot of tea and began to brood over the business. Of course,
• 3:50:39
  there are probably fellows in the world to party books, with strong chins and
• 3:50:43
  glittering eyes who could get engaged to this gloss of medicine like it. But
• 3:50:48
  I knew perfectly well that Biffy was not one of them. Honoria, you
• 3:50:50
  see, is one of those robust, dynamic girls with the muscles of a
• 3:50:54
  welterweight and a laugh like a squadron of cavalry charging over a tin bridge.
• 3:51:00
  A beastly thing to have to face over the breakfast table. Brainy moreover,
• 3:51:03
  the sort of girl who reduces you to pulp with sixteen sets of tennis and
• 3:51:07
  a few rounds of golf, and then comes down to dinner as fresh as
• 3:51:09
  a daisy, expecting you to take an intelligent interest in freud. If I
• 3:51:13
  had been engaged to her another week, her old father would have had one
• 3:51:16
  more patient on his books. And Biffy as much the same quiet, sort
• 3:51:20
  of peaceful and offensive bird as me. I was shocked, to tell you,
• 3:51:24
  shocked, And as I was saying, the thing that shucked me most
• 3:51:28
  was Jeeves's frightful lack of proper emotion. The man happening to float in at
• 3:51:31
  this juncture, I gave him one more chance to show some human sympathy.
• 3:51:35
  You got the name correctly, didn't you, Jeeves? I said, mister
• 3:51:39
  Biffin is going to marry Hanoia Glossop, the daughter of the old boy with
• 3:51:41
  the egg like head and the eyebrows. Yes, sir, which suit would
• 3:51:46
  you wish me to lay out? This morning? And this s marked you
• 3:51:50
  from the man who, when I was engaged to the glossip, strained every
• 3:51:52
  fiber in his brain to extricate me. It beat me. I couldn't understand
• 3:51:56
  it. The blue at the red twill, I said coldly, My manner
• 3:52:00
  was marked, and I meant him to see that he had disappointed me sorely.
• 3:52:05
  About a week later I went back to London, and scarcely had I
• 3:52:07
  got settled in the old flat when Biffy blew in. One glance was enough
• 3:52:11
  to tell me that the poisoned wound had begun to fester. The man did
• 3:52:15
  not look bright, now there was no getting away from it. Not bright.
• 3:52:18
  He had that kind of stunned, glassy expression which I used to see
• 3:52:22
  on my own face in the shaving mirror during my brief engagement to the gloss
• 3:52:26
  of pestilence. However, if you don't want to be one of the what
• 3:52:30
  is wrong with this picture brigade, you must observe the conventions. So I
• 3:52:33
  shook his hand as warmly as I could. Well, Well, old man,
• 3:52:37
  I said, congratulations, Thanks, said Biffy Wanley, and there was
• 3:52:41
  rather a weighty silence. Bertie said Biffy. After the silence had lasted about
• 3:52:46
  three minutes. Hello, is it really true? What? Ah? Nothing,
• 3:52:50
  said Biffy, and conversation languished again. After about a minute and a
• 3:52:54
  half, he came to the service once more. Bertie, still here,
• 3:52:56
  old thing. What is it? I say, Bartie? Is it really
• 3:52:58
  true that you were once engaged to han Oria? It is? Biffy coughed,
• 3:53:03
  How did you get out? I mean, what was the nature of
• 3:53:07
  the tragedy that prevented the marriage? Jeeves worked it, He thought out the
• 3:53:11
  entire scheme. I think before I go, said Biffy thoughtfully. I'll just
• 3:53:15
  step into the kitchen and have a word with Jeeves. I felt that the
• 3:53:18
  situation called for complete candor. Vivy old dig I said, as meant to
• 3:53:24
  men. Do you want to oil out of this thing? Berty old cark,
• 3:53:28
  said Biffy earnestly, as one friend to another. I do the why
• 3:53:31
  the dickens did you ever get into it? I don't know why did you?
• 3:53:35
  Will? It sort of happened, and it sort of happened with me.
• 3:53:39
  You know how it is when your heart's broken, a kind of lethargy
• 3:53:43
  comes over you. You get absent minded and cease to exercide, proper precautions,
• 3:53:46
  and the first thing you know, you're for it. I don't know
• 3:53:48
  how it happened, old man, but there it is. And what I
• 3:53:52
  want you to tell me is, what's the procedure? You mean, how
• 3:53:54
  does a fellow edge out? Exactly? I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings,
• 3:53:58
  Bertie, but I I can't go through with this thing. A shot
• 3:54:01
  is not on the board. For about a day and a half, I
• 3:54:05
  thought it might be all right, But now you earn after that laugh of
• 3:54:07
  hers, I do, well, there's that, and there's all this business
• 3:54:11
  of never letting a fellow alone, improving his mind and so forth. I
• 3:54:16
  know I knew very well. Then what do you recommend? What do you
• 3:54:20
  mean when you said that Jeeves worked a scheme? You see, old Sir
• 3:54:24
  Roderick, who's a looney doctor and nothing but a looney doctor, however,
• 3:54:26
  in which you may call him a nerve specialist, discover that there was a
• 3:54:30
  modicum of insanity in my family. Nothing serious. Just one of my uncles
• 3:54:33
  used to keep rabbits in his bedroom. And the old boy came to lunch
• 3:54:37
  here to give me the once over, and Jeeves arranged a mat her so
• 3:54:39
  that he would do way firmly convinced that I was off my onion, I
• 3:54:43
  see, said Biffy thoughtfully. The trouble is, there isn't any insanity in
• 3:54:46
  my family. None. It seemed to me almost incredible that a fellow could
• 3:54:50
  be such a perfect chump as dear old Biffy without a bit of assistance,
• 3:54:54
  not alonely on the list, he said gloomily. It's just like my luck.
• 3:54:58
  The old boy's coming to lunch with me, to no doubt, to
• 3:55:00
  test me as he did you, And I never felt saner in my life.
• 3:55:03
  I thought, for a moment the idea of meeting Sir Roderick again gave
• 3:55:07
  me a cold chivalry feeling. But when there is a chance of helping a
• 3:55:09
  pal, we woosters have no thought of self. Don't care, Biffy,
• 3:55:13
  I said, I'll tell you what I'll roll up for that lunch. It
• 3:55:16
  may easily happen that when he finds out you are a pal of mine,
• 3:55:18
  he will forbid the bands right away, and no more questions asked. Something
• 3:55:22
  in that, said Biffy, brightening awfully sporting of you, partie, Oh
• 3:55:26
  not at all, I said, And meanwhile I'll consult Jeeves, put the
• 3:55:28
  whole thing up to him and ask his advice. He's never failed me yet.
• 3:55:33
  If he pushed off a good deal, praised, and I went into
• 3:55:35
  the kitchen. Jeeves, I said, I want your help once more.
• 3:55:39
  I've just been having a painful interview with mister Biffin. Indeed, Sir,
• 3:55:43
  it's like this, I said, and told him the whole thing. It
• 3:55:46
  was rummy, but I could feel him freezing from the start. As a
• 3:55:48
  rule, when I called Ges into conference on one of these little problems,
• 3:55:52
  he's all sympathy and bright ideas. But not today, I fear, sir,
• 3:55:56
  he said, when I had finished. It is hardly my place to
• 3:55:58
  interview in a private matter affecting He'll come, No, sir, it would
• 3:56:03
  be taking a liberty. Jeeves, I said, tackling the blighter squarely,
• 3:56:07
  What have you got against old Biffy. I serve, yes, you,
• 3:56:13
  I assure you, sir. Oh well, if you don't want to chip
• 3:56:16
  in and save a fellow creature, I suppose I can't make you. But
• 3:56:18
  let me tell you this. I am now going back to the sitting room
• 3:56:22
  and I am going to put in some very tense thinking. You look pretty
• 3:56:24
  silly when I come and tell you that I've got mister Biffin out of the
• 3:56:28
  soup without your assistance. Extremely silly, you'll look, yes, sir,
• 3:56:31
  Shall I bring you a whiskey and soda, sir, no coffee strong and
• 3:56:35
  black. And if anybody wants to see me, tell him that I'm busy
• 3:56:39
  and can't be disturbed. An hour later I rang the bell, Jeeves,
• 3:56:43
  I said, with hauteur, Yes, sir, kinally ring mister Biffin up
• 3:56:48
  on the phone and say that mister Wooster presents his compliments and that he has
• 3:56:52
  got it. I was feeling more than a little pleased with myself next morning
• 3:56:56
  as I strolled round to Biffy's. As a rule, the bright ideage gains
• 3:57:00
  overnight have a trick of not seeming quite so frightfully fruby when you examined them
• 3:57:03
  by the light of day. But this one looked as good at breakfast as
• 3:57:07
  it had done before dinner. I examined it narrowly from every angle, and
• 3:57:09
  I didn't see how it could fail. A Few days before, my aunt
• 3:57:13
  Emily's son Harold, had celebrated his sixth birthday, and being up against the
• 3:57:16
  necessity of weighing in with a present of some kind. I had happened to
• 3:57:20
  see in a shop in the Strand, a rather sprightly little gadget, well
• 3:57:24
  calculated in my opinion, to amuse the child that endear him to one and
• 3:57:26
  all. It was a bunch of flowers and a sort of holder, ending
• 3:57:30
  in an ingenious bull of attachment, which, when pressed, shot about a
• 3:57:33
  pint and a half of pure spring water into the face of anyone who was
• 3:57:37
  as enough to sniff at it. It seemed to me just the thing to
• 3:57:39
  please the growing mind of the kid of six, and I had rolled round
• 3:57:43
  with it. But when I got to the house, I found Harold sitting
• 3:57:46
  in the midst of a massive gifts, so luxurious and costly that I simply
• 3:57:50
  hadn't the crust to contribute a thing. That it sent me back a mere
• 3:57:52
  elevenpence halfpenny. So with rare presence of mind, for we woosters can think
• 3:57:58
  quick. On occasion, I wrenched my uncle James's card off a toy aeroplane,
• 3:58:01
  substituted my own, and trousered the squirt, which I took away with
• 3:58:05
  me. It had been lying around in my flat ever since, and it
• 3:58:07
  seemed to me that the time had come to send it into action. Well,
• 3:58:11
  said Biffy anxiously. As I curveyed into a sitting room. The poor
• 3:58:16
  old bird was looking pretty green about the gills. I recognized the symptoms.
• 3:58:20
  I had felt much the same myself when waiting for Sir Roger to turn up
• 3:58:22
  and lunch with me. How the deuced people who have anything wrong with their
• 3:58:26
  nerves can bring themselves to chat with that man, I can't imagine. And
• 3:58:30
  yet he has the largest practice in London. Scarcely a day passes without his
• 3:58:33
  having to sit on somebody's head and ring for the intendant to bring the straight
• 3:58:37
  waistcoat. And his outlook on life has become so jaundice through constant association with
• 3:58:41
  coves who are picking straws out of their hair, that I was convinced that
• 3:58:45
  Biffy had merely got to press the bulb and nature would do the rest.
• 3:58:48
  So I patted him on the shoulder and said, it's all right, old
• 3:58:50
  man. What does Jave suggest, asked Biffy eagerly. Jeeves doesn't suggest anything,
• 3:58:56
  but you said it was all right. Jeeves. Isn't the only thinker
• 3:59:00
  the wooster home? My lead. I have taken over your little problem,
• 3:59:03
  and I can tell you at once that I had the situation well in hand,
• 3:59:07
  you said, Biffy. His tone was far from flattering. It s
• 3:59:11
  ingested a lack of faith in my abilities, and my view was that an
• 3:59:13
  ounce of demonstration we woreth a ton of explanation. I shoved the bouquet at
• 3:59:18
  him. Are you fond of flowers, Biffy? I said, Eh,
• 3:59:20
  smeltthis. Biffy extended the old beak in a care worn sort of way,
• 3:59:24
  and I pressed the bulb as for printed instructions on the label, I do
• 3:59:28
  like getting my money's worth eleven pence hotpenny. The thing had cost me,
• 3:59:31
  and it would have been cheap at double. The advertisement on the outside of
• 3:59:35
  the box had said that its effects were indescribably ludicrous, and I can testify
• 3:59:39
  that it was no overstatement. Poor old Biffy leave three feet in the air
• 3:59:43
  and smashed a small table there. I said. The old egg was a
• 3:59:46
  trifle and coherent at first, but he found words fairly soon and began to
• 3:59:50
  express himself with a good deal of warmth. Call me yourself, Laddie,
• 3:59:54
  I said, as he paused for breath. It was no mere just to
• 3:59:56
  pass the night allOur It was a demonstration. Take this Biffy, that old
• 4:00:00
  friend's blessing, Refill the bulb, shove it into Sir Roderick's face, Press
• 4:00:03
  firmly, and leave the rest to him. I'll guarantee that in something under
• 4:00:07
  three seconds the idea will adawn on him that you are not required in his
• 4:00:11
  family. Iffy stared at me, Are you suggesting that I squirt? Sir
• 4:00:16
  Roderick? Absolutely squirt him, good squirt, as you have never squirted before.
• 4:00:22
  But he was still yammering at me in a feverish sort of way.
• 4:00:24
  When there was a ring at the front doorbell, God Lord, cried Biffy,
• 4:00:28
  quivering like a jelly. There he is. Talk to him while I
• 4:00:31
  go and change my shirt. I had just time to refill the bulb and
• 4:00:35
  shove it beside Biffy's plate when the door opened and Sir Roderick came in.
• 4:00:39
  I was picking up the fallen table at the moment, and he started talking
• 4:00:41
  brightly to my back, Good afternoon. I trust I am not mister Wooster.
• 4:00:48
  I'm bound to say I was not feeling entirely at my ease. There
• 4:00:50
  is something about the man that is calculated to strike terror into the stoutest heart.
• 4:00:56
  If ever there was a bloke at the very mention of whose name it
• 4:00:58
  would be excusable for people to tremble like aspens. That bloke is Sir Roderick
• 4:01:01
  Glossop. He has an enormous bald head, all the hair which ought to
• 4:01:05
  be on it seeming to have run into his eyebrows, and his eyes go
• 4:01:09
  through you like a couple of death rays. How are you? How are
• 4:01:11
  you? How are you? I said, overcoming a slight desire to leap
• 4:01:16
  backwards out of the window. Long time since we met? What? Nevertheless?
• 4:01:20
  I remember you most distinctly, mister Wooster. That's fine, I said.
• 4:01:24
  Old Biffy asked me to come and join you in mangling a bit of
• 4:01:26
  lunch. He waggled the eyebrows at me. Are you a friend of Charles
• 4:01:31
  Biffin, or rather been friends for years and years? He drew in his
• 4:01:35
  breath sharply, and I could see that Biffy's stock had dropped several points.
• 4:01:41
  His eye fell on the floor, which was strown with things that had tumbled
• 4:01:43
  off the upset table. Have you had an accident? He said? Nothing,
• 4:01:48
  serious, I explained, Oh, Piffy had some sort of fit of
• 4:01:50
  seizure just now knocked over the table. A fit o seizure is a subject
• 4:01:56
  to fits, I was about to answer when Bivi hurried in. He had
• 4:02:00
  forgotten to brush his hair, which gave him a wild look, and saw
• 4:02:03
  the old boy direct a keen glance at him. It seemed to me that
• 4:02:07
  what you might call the preliminary spade work had been most satisfactorily attended to,
• 4:02:11
  and that the success of the good old bulb could be in no doubt whatever.
• 4:02:16
  Biffy's man came in with the nosebags and we sat down to lunch.
• 4:02:20
  It looked at first as though the meal was going to be one of those
• 4:02:22
  complete frosts which occur from time to time in the career of a constant lunch
• 4:02:26
  roout. Biffy, a very c three host, contributed nothing to the feast
• 4:02:30
  of reason and flow of soul beyond an occasional hiccup, and every time I
• 4:02:33
  started to pull a nifty sir, Roderick swung round on me with such a
• 4:02:37
  piercing stare that it stopped me in my tracks. Fortunately, however, the
• 4:02:41
  second course consisted of a chicken fricaseee of such outstanding excellence that the old boy,
• 4:02:46
  after wolfing a plateful, handed up his dinner pail for a second installment,
• 4:02:50
  and became almost genial. I am here this after known Charles, he
• 4:02:56
  said, with what practically amounted to bonhome on what I might describe as a
• 4:03:01
  mission. Yes, a mission. This is most excellent chicken. Glad you
• 4:03:05
  like it, mumbled Old Biffy singularly toothsome said Sir Roderick, pronging another half
• 4:03:11
  ounce. Yes, as I was saying, a mission, you young fellows
• 4:03:16
  nowadays, are I know, content to live in the center of the most
• 4:03:20
  wonderful metropolis the world is seen, blind and indifferent to its many marvels.
• 4:03:24
  I should be prepared, were I a betting man, which I am not,
• 4:03:28
  to wager a considerable sum that you have never in your life visited even
• 4:03:33
  so historic a spot as Westminster Rabbit? Am I right? If he gurgled
• 4:03:39
  something about always having meant to nor the Tower of London. Nope, nor
• 4:03:43
  the Tower of London. And there exists, at this very moment, not
• 4:03:48
  twenty minutes by cab from Hyde Park Corner, the most supremely absorbing and educational
• 4:03:54
  collection of objects, both animate and inanimate, gathered from the four corners of
• 4:03:58
  the Empire that has been assembled in England's history. I allude to the British
• 4:04:03
  Empire Exhibition, now situated at Wembley. O fellow told me one about Wembley
• 4:04:07
  yesterday, I said, to help on the cheery flow of conversation, told
• 4:04:11
  me if you heard it before. Chef goes up to a deaf chap outside
• 4:04:15
  the exhibition and says, is this Wembley? Hey says deef Chef? Is
• 4:04:18
  thiswimbley? Says chef. Hey says deaf chap? Is this swimbley? Says
• 4:04:22
  chef? No Thursday, says Jef Chef. Ha ha, I mean what
• 4:04:24
  the merry laughter froze on my lips. Sir Roderick sort of just waggled an
• 4:04:30
  eyebrow in my direction, and I saw that it was back to the basket
• 4:04:33
  for Bertram. I never met a man who had such a knack of making
• 4:04:37
  a fellow feel like a waste product. Have you yet paid a visit to
• 4:04:41
  Wembley, Charles? He asked, no, precisely as I suspected. Well,
• 4:04:46
  that is the mission on which I am here this afternoon. Honoria wishes
• 4:04:50
  me to take you to Wembley. She says it will broaden your mind,
• 4:04:52
  in which view I am at one with her. We will start immediately after
• 4:04:56
  luncheon. Biffy casts an imploring look, look at me, you'll come Toebardy.
• 4:05:01
  There was such agony in his eyes that I only hesitated for a second.
• 4:05:05
  A pal's a pal. Besides, I felt that if only the bulb
• 4:05:09
  fulfilled the high expectations I had formed of it, the merry expedition would be
• 4:05:13
  canceled in no uncertain manner. Oh rather, I said, we must not
• 4:05:18
  trespass on mister Wooster's good nature, said Sir Roderick, looking pretty puff faced.
• 4:05:22
  Oh that's all right, I said, I've been meaning to go to
• 4:05:26
  the good old exhibition for a long time. I'll slip home and change my
• 4:05:28
  clothes and pick you up here in my car. There was a silence.
• 4:05:33
  Biffy seemed too relieved at the thought of not having to spend the afternoon alone
• 4:05:37
  with Sir Roderick to be capable of speech, and Sir Roderick was registering silent
• 4:05:41
  disapproval. And then he caught sight of the bouquet by Biffy's plate ah flowers,
• 4:05:46
  he said, sweet peas, if I am not in error, A
• 4:05:48
  charming plant, pleasing alike to the eye on the nose. I caught Biffy's
• 4:05:54
  eye across the table. It was bulging, and a strange light shone in
• 4:05:56
  it. I owe fond of flowers, Roderick, he crote, extramel like
• 4:06:01
  smell these. Sir Roderick dipped his head and snipped Biffy's fingers closed slowly over
• 4:06:07
  the bulb. I shut my eyes and clutched the table. Very pleasant,
• 4:06:11
  I heard Sir Roderick say, very pleasant. Indeed, I opened my eyes
• 4:06:16
  and there was Biffy leaning back in his chair with a ghastly look, and
• 4:06:18
  the bouquet on the cloth beside him. I realized what had happened in that
• 4:06:24
  supreme crisis of his life, with his whole happiness depending on a mere pressure
• 4:06:28
  of the fingers. Biffy, the poor spineless fish, had lost his nerve.
• 4:06:33
  My closely resented scheme had gone foot. Jeeves was fooling about with the
• 4:06:37
  geraniums in the sitting room window box when I got home. They make a
• 4:06:41
  very noise display, Sir, he said, cocking a paternal eye at the
• 4:06:45
  things. Don't talk to me about flowers, I said, Jeeves, I
• 4:06:48
  know now how a general feels when he plans out some great scientific movement and
• 4:06:52
  his troops let him down at the eleventh hour. Indeed, Sir yes,
• 4:06:56
  I said, and told him what had happened, and thoughtfully. A somewhat
• 4:07:01
  vacillating and changeable young gentlemen, mister Biffin, was his comment. When I
• 4:07:05
  had finished. Would you be requiring me for the remainder of the afternoon,
• 4:07:09
  Sir, no, I'm going to Wembley. I just came back to change
• 4:07:13
  and get the car produced some fairly durable garments which can stand getting squashed by
• 4:07:18
  the many headed Jeeves, and then foamed to the garage. Very good,
• 4:07:22
  sir, the gray cheviot lounge. Will I fancy be suitable? Would it
• 4:07:26
  be too much if I asked you to give me a seat in the car,
• 4:07:30
  Sir, I have thought of going to Wembley myself this afternoon. Oh
• 4:07:33
  all right, thank you very much, sir. I got dressed and we
• 4:07:37
  drove round at Biffy's flat. Biffy and Sir Roder got in at the back,
• 4:07:41
  and Jeeves climbed into the front seat next to me. Biffy looked so
• 4:07:45
  ill attuned to an afternoon's pleasure that my heart bled for the blighter, and
• 4:07:48
  I made one last attempt to appeal to Jeeves's better feelings. I must say,
• 4:07:52
  Jeeves, I said, I'm dash disappointed in you. I am sorry
• 4:07:56
  to hear that, sir, Well, I am dash disappointed. I do
• 4:07:58
  think you might rown. Did you see mister Biffin's face? Yes, sir,
• 4:08:03
  Well, then, if you will pardon my saying so, sir,
• 4:08:07
  mister Biffin has surely only himself to thank if he has entered upon matrimonial obligations
• 4:08:11
  which do not please him. You're talking absolute roth, Jeeves. You know
• 4:08:16
  as well as I do that honoria gossip is an act of God. You
• 4:08:18
  might just as well blame a fellow for getting run over by a truck.
• 4:08:22
  Yes, sir, absolutely yes. Besides, the porass wasn't in a condition
• 4:08:26
  to resist. He told me all about it. He had lost the only
• 4:08:28
  girl he had ever loved, and you know what a man's like when that
• 4:08:31
  happens to him. How was that, sir? Apparently he fell in love
• 4:08:35
  with some girl on the boat going over to New York, and they parted
• 4:08:37
  at the custom sheds arranging to meet next day at her hotel. Oh you
• 4:08:41
  know what Biffy's like. He forgets his own name half the time. He
• 4:08:45
  never made a note of the address, and it passed clean out of his
• 4:08:46
  mind. He went about in a sort of trance and suddenly woke up to
• 4:08:50
  find that he was engaged to Hanoia Glossip. I did not know of this,
• 4:08:54
  Sir. I don't suppose anybody knows of it except me. He told
• 4:08:58
  me when I was in Paris. Should have supposed it would have been feasible
• 4:09:01
  to make inquiries, sir. That's what I said. But he had forgotten
• 4:09:05
  her name. That sounds remarkable, Sir, I said that too, but
• 4:09:09
  it's a fact. All he remembered was that her Christian name was Mabel.
• 4:09:11
  Well, you can't go scouring New York for a girl named Mabel. What.
• 4:09:16
  I appreciate the difficulty, sir. Well there it is, then,
• 4:09:20
  I see, Sir. We had got into a mob of vehicles outside the
• 4:09:24
  exhibition by this time, and some tricky driving being indicated, I had to
• 4:09:28
  suspend the conversation. We parked ourselves eventually and went in. Jeeves drifted away,
• 4:09:33
  and Sir Roderick took charge of the expedition. He headed for the Palace
• 4:09:35
  of Industry, with Biffy and myself trailing behind. Well, you know,
• 4:09:39
  I have never been much of a lad for exhibitions. The citizenry in the
• 4:09:43
  mass always rather puts me off, And after I've been shuffling along with the
• 4:09:46
  multitude for a quarter of an hour or so, I feel as if I
• 4:09:48
  were walking on hot bricks. About this particular binge too, there seemed to
• 4:09:52
  me a lack of what you might call human interest. I mean to say,
• 4:09:56
  millions of people, no doubt, are so constituted that they scream with
• 4:10:00
  joy and excitement at the spectacle of a stuffed porcupine fish or a glass jar
• 4:10:03
  of seas from Western Australia. But not Bertram. Now, if you will
• 4:10:07
  take the word of one who would not deceive you, not Bertram. By
• 4:10:11
  the time we had tottered out of the Gold Coast village and were working towards
• 4:10:15
  the Palace of Machinery, everything pointed to my shortly executing a quiet sneak in
• 4:10:20
  the direction of that rather jelly Planter's bar in the West Indian section. Sir
• 4:10:24
  Roderick has whizd us past this at a high rate of speed at touching,
• 4:10:26
  no cord in him. But I had been able to observe that there was
• 4:10:30
  a sprightly sportsman behind the counter, mixing things out of bottles and stirring them
• 4:10:33
  up with a stick in long glasses that seemed to have ice in them.
• 4:10:37
  And the urch came upon me to see more of this man. I was
• 4:10:39
  about to drop away from the main body and become a straggler when something potted
• 4:10:43
  my coast sleeve. It was Biffy, and he had the air of one
• 4:10:46
  who has had about sufficient. There are certain moments in life when words are
• 4:10:50
  not needed. I looked at Biffy. Biffy looked at me. A perfect
• 4:10:54
  understanding linked our two souls. Three minutes later we had joined the plan.
• 4:11:01
  I have never been in the West Indies, but I am in a position
• 4:11:03
  to state that in certain of the fundamentals of life, they are streets ahead
• 4:11:07
  of our European civilization. The man behind the counter, as kindly a bloke
• 4:11:11
  as I ever wished to meet, seemed to guess our requirements. The moment
• 4:11:13
  we hove in view, scarcely had our elbows touched the wood before he was
• 4:11:16
  leaping to and fro bringing down a new bottle with each leap. A planter
• 4:11:20
  apparently does not consider he has had a drink unless it contains at least seven
• 4:11:24
  ingredients. And I'm not saying, mind you, that he isn't right.
• 4:11:26
  The man behind the bar told us the things were called green Swizzles, and
• 4:11:31
  if ever I'm marry and have a son, green Swizzle Wooster is the name
• 4:11:33
  that will go down on the register in memory of the day his father's life
• 4:11:37
  was saved at Wimbley. After the third Biffy brewed a contented side. Bardia
• 4:11:41
  thinks, Sir Roderick, is he said, biv old thing? I replied
• 4:11:45
  frankly. I'm not worrying bardi yeld Bard said Biffy, nor am I.
• 4:11:50
  He sighed again and broke along silence by asking the man for a straw.
• 4:11:54
  Barday, he said, I've just remember it something rather rumming, you know,
• 4:11:58
  Javes, I said, I knew Jeeves well, a rather ramy incident
• 4:12:03
  to Kurt. As we were going into this place, Old Javes sidled up
• 4:12:05
  to me and said something rather rummy. You'll never guess what it was.
• 4:12:09
  Now. I don't believe I ever shall, Javes said, proceeded Biffy earnestly,
• 4:12:13
  and I am quoting his very words. Javes said, mister Beffin,
• 4:12:18
  addressing me, you understand, I understand, mister Beffin, he said,
• 4:12:22
  I strongly advise you to visit thee. What I asked? As he paused,
• 4:12:26
  Bartie old Man said, Biffy, deeply concerned, I've absolutely forgotten.
• 4:12:31
  I stared at the man. What I can't understand, I said, is
• 4:12:35
  how you managed to run that Hertfordshire place of yours for a day. How
• 4:12:39
  on earth do you remember to milk the cows and give the pigs their dinner?
• 4:12:43
  Oh that's all right. There are divers blokes about the place, hirelings
• 4:12:46
  and menials, you know who look after all that? Ah, I said,
• 4:12:50
  Well, that being so, let us have one more green swizzle,
• 4:12:54
  and then hey for the amusement park. When I indulge in those few rather
• 4:12:58
  bitter words about excessions, it must be distinctly understood that I was not alluding
• 4:13:03
  to what you might call the more earthy portion of these curious places. I
• 4:13:07
  yield to no man in my approval of those institutions were on payment of a
• 4:13:09
  shilling, you are permitted to slide down a slippery runway sitting on a mat.
• 4:13:13
  I loved the jiggle joggle, and I am prepared to take on all
• 4:13:16
  in sundry at ski ball for money, stamps or brazil nuts. But joyous
• 4:13:20
  reveler as I am on these occasions, I was simply not in it with
• 4:13:24
  old Biffy. Whether it was the green swizzles or merely the relief of being
• 4:13:28
  parted from Sir Roderick, I don't know, but Biffy flung himself into the
• 4:13:31
  pastimes of the proletariat with a zest that was almost frightening. I could hardly
• 4:13:35
  drag him away from the whip, and as for the switchback, he looked
• 4:13:39
  like spending the rest of his life on it. I managed to remove him
• 4:13:41
  at last, and he was wandering through the crowd at my side with gleaming
• 4:13:43
  eyes, hesitating between having a fortune told and taking a whirl at the wheel
• 4:13:46
  of joy, when he suddenly grabbed my arm and uttered a sharp animal cry,
• 4:13:52
  Bartie. Now what he was pointing at a large sign over a building,
• 4:13:56
  Look palace up yoting. I tried to choke him off. I was
• 4:13:58
  getting a bit weary by this time, not so young as I was.
• 4:14:01
  You don't want to go in there, I said. A fellow at the
• 4:14:05
  club was telling me about that it's only a lot of girls. You don't
• 4:14:07
  want to see a lot of girls. I don't want to see a lot
• 4:14:09
  of girls, said Biffy firmly. Dozens of girls. And the more unlike
• 4:14:13
  Hanoria they are, the better. Besides, I suddenly remember that's the place
• 4:14:16
  Jeeves told me to be sure and visit. It all comes back to me,
• 4:14:20
  missed up biff and he said, I strongly advise you to visit the
• 4:14:22
  Palace of Beauty. Now what the man was driving out or what his motive
• 4:14:26
  was, I don't know, But I ask you, Bartie, is it
• 4:14:28
  wise? Is it safe? Is it judicious ever? To ignore Jeeves's lightest
• 4:14:31
  word. We enter by the door on the left. I don't know if
• 4:14:35
  you know this Palace of Beauty place. It's a sort of aquarium full of
• 4:14:39
  the delicately nurtured instead of fishes. You go in and there is a kind
• 4:14:43
  of cage with a female goggling out at you through a sheet of plate glass.
• 4:14:46
  She's dressed in some weird kind of costume, and over the cage is
• 4:14:48
  written Helen of Troy. You mess on to the next and there's another one
• 4:14:52
  doing jiu jitsu with a snake subtitle Cleopatra. You get the idea famous women
• 4:14:56
  through the ages and all that. I can't say it fascinated me to any
• 4:15:00
  great extent. I maintained that lovely woman loses a lot of her charm if
• 4:15:03
  you have to stare at her in a tank. Moreover, it gave me
• 4:15:05
  a roomy sort of feeling of having wandered into the wrong bedroom at a country
• 4:15:09
  house, and I was flying past it a fair rate of speed. Ain't
• 4:15:11
  just to get it over. When Biffy suddenly went off as rocker, at
• 4:15:15
  least it looked like that. He let out a piercing yell, grabbed my
• 4:15:18
  arm with a sudden clutch that felt like the bite of a crocodile, and
• 4:15:20
  stood there gibbering, walk ejaculated Biffy or words at that general import A large
• 4:15:26
  and interested crowd had gathered round. I think they thought the girls were going
• 4:15:30
  to be fed or something, but Biffy paid no attention to them. He
• 4:15:33
  was pointing in a looney manner at one of the cages. I forget which
• 4:15:37
  it was, but the female inside wore a rough so it may have been
• 4:15:39
  Queen Elizabeth or a Bowatasia or someone of that period. She was rather a
• 4:15:43
  nice looking girl, and she was staring at Biffy in much the same popeyed
• 4:15:48
  way as he was staring at her. My ball yelled, Biffy going off
• 4:15:50
  in my ear like a bomb. I can't say I was feeling my chirpiest
• 4:15:54
  drama is all very well, but I hate getting mixed up in it in
• 4:15:58
  a public spot. And I had not realized before how dashed public this spot
• 4:16:03
  was. The crowd seemed to have doubled itself in the last five seconds,
• 4:16:07
  and while most of them had their eye on Biffy, quite a goodish few
• 4:16:10
  were looking at me as if they thought I was an important principle in the
• 4:16:14
  scene and might be expected at any moment to give of my best in the
• 4:16:17
  way of wholesome entertainment for the masses. Biffy was jumping about like a lamb
• 4:16:21
  in the springtime, and what is more a feeble minded lamb ARDA yes,
• 4:16:26
  her, it's she. He looked around him wildly. Where the dose is
• 4:16:29
  the stage door? He cried, where's the manager? I want to say
• 4:16:32
  the house manager immediately, and then he suddenly bounded forward and began hammering on
• 4:16:37
  the glass with a stick. I say, old lad, I began,
• 4:16:40
  but he shook me off. These fellows who live in the country are apt
• 4:16:42
  to go in for fairly sizable clubs instead of the light canes, which are
• 4:16:47
  well dressed man about town considers suitable for metropolitan use, and down in Herefordshire,
• 4:16:52
  apparently something in the nature of a knob Curry is dairy gore. Biffy's
• 4:16:56
  first slush smashed the glass all to a hash. Three more cleared the way
• 4:17:00
  for him to go into the cage without cutting himself, And before the crowd
• 4:17:03
  had time to realize what a wonderful Bob's worth it was getting in exchange for
• 4:17:07
  his entrance fee, he was inside, engaging the girl in earnest conversation,
• 4:17:11
  and at the same moment two large policemen rolled up. You can't make policemen
• 4:17:15
  take the romantic view. Not a tear did these two players stop to brush
• 4:17:18
  away. They were inside the cage and out of it and marching Biffy through
• 4:17:22
  the crowd before you had time to blink. I hurried after them to do
• 4:17:25
  what I could in the way of soothing these last moments, and the poor
• 4:17:27
  lad turned a glowing face in my direction. Chasick six zero eight seven three.
• 4:17:33
  He bellowed, in a voice charged with emotion. Write it down,
• 4:17:36
  Bartie, I shall forget it. Chiswick, says Sarah eight seven three a
• 4:17:38
  telephone number, and then he disappeared, accompanied by about eleven thousand sightseers,
• 4:17:44
  and a voice spoke at my elbow. Mister a woost, what is the
• 4:17:48
  meaning of this? Sir Roderick, with bigger eyebrows than ever was standing at
• 4:17:52
  my side. It's all right, I said, poor O'piffy's only gone off
• 4:17:55
  his crumpet. He touttered, what had a sort of fit or seizure?
• 4:17:59
  You know? On another? Sir Roderick drew a deep breath. And this
• 4:18:03
  is the man I was about to allow my daughter to marry. I heard
• 4:18:07
  him mutter. I tapped him in a kindly spirit on the shoulder. It
• 4:18:10
  took some doing, mark you, but I did it. If I were
• 4:18:12
  you, I said, I should call that off, scratch the fixture,
• 4:18:15
  wash it out absolutely as my advice. He gave me a nasty look.
• 4:18:19
  I do not require your advice, mister Wosta. I had already arrived independently
• 4:18:25
  at the decision of which you speak, mister Wosta, you are a friend
• 4:18:27
  of this man, a fact which should in itself have been sufficient warning to
• 4:18:32
  me. You will, unlike myself, be seeing him again. Kindly inform
• 4:18:37
  him when you do see him, that he may consider his engagement at an
• 4:18:40
  end. Right, oh, I said, and hurried off after the crowd.
• 4:18:42
  It seemed to me that a little bailing out might be in order.
• 4:18:45
  It was about an hour later that I shoved my way out to where I
• 4:18:48
  had parted the car. Jeez was sitting in the front seat, brooding over
• 4:18:52
  the cosmos. He rose curiously as I approached. You are leaving, sir,
• 4:18:56
  I am, and Sir Roderick, Sir, not, I am revealing
• 4:19:00
  no secrets, Jeeves when I inform you that he and I have parted,
• 4:19:03
  brass rags not on speaking terms now, indeed, Sir, and mister Biffin,
• 4:19:07
  will you wait for him? No, he's in prison, really,
• 4:19:11
  sir. Yes, I tried to bet him out, but they decided on
• 4:19:14
  second thoughts to coop him up for the night. What was his offense,
• 4:19:18
  sir? You remember that girl of his I was telling you about. He
• 4:19:21
  found her in tank at the Palace of Beauty and would after her by the
• 4:19:22
  quickest route, which was via a plate glass window. He was then scooped
• 4:19:26
  up and borne off in irons by the constabulary. I yay sideways at him.
• 4:19:30
  It is difficult to bring off a penetrating glance out of the corner of
• 4:19:33
  your eye, but I managed it, Jeeves, I said, there is
• 4:19:37
  more in this than the casual observer would. Suppose you told mister Biffin to
• 4:19:41
  go to the Palace of Beauty? Did you know the girl would be there?
• 4:19:44
  Yes, sir, this was most remarkable and drummy to a degree.
• 4:19:48
  Tashit. Do you know everything? Oh no, sir, said Jeeves with
• 4:19:52
  an indulgent smile, humoring the young master. Well how did you know that
• 4:19:56
  while you happened to be acquainted with the future miss Biffin? Sir? I
• 4:20:00
  see, then you knew all about that business in New York, Yes,
• 4:20:04
  sir, And it was for that reason that I was not altogether favorably disposed
• 4:20:08
  towards mister Biffin. When you were first kind enough to suggest that I might
• 4:20:11
  be able to offer some slight assistance, I mistakenly supposed that he had been
• 4:20:15
  trifling with the girl's affections, sir. But when you told me the true
• 4:20:19
  facts of the case. I appreciated the injustice I had done to mister Biffin
• 4:20:23
  and endeavored to make amends. Well, he certainly owes you a lot.
• 4:20:26
  He's crazy about her. That is very gratifying, sir, And she ought
• 4:20:30
  to be pretty grateful to you too. Old Biffy's got fifteen thousand a year,
• 4:20:34
  not to mention more cows, pigs, hens and ducks than he knows
• 4:20:37
  what to do with a dash, you sauld bird to have in any family.
• 4:20:40
  Yes, sir, tell me Jeeves, I said, how did you
• 4:20:44
  happen to know the girl in the first place? Jeeves looked dreamily out into
• 4:20:48
  the traffic. She is my niece, sir. If I might make the
• 4:20:52
  suggestion, Sir, I should not jerk the steering wheel with quite such suddenness.
• 4:20:56
  We very nearly collided with that omnibus without the eye. The evidence was
• 4:21:02
  all in. The machinery of the law had worked without a hitch, and
• 4:21:07
  the beak, having adjusted a pair of pence ney which looked as though they
• 4:21:11
  were going to do a nose dive any moment, coughed like a pained sheep
• 4:21:17
  and slipped us the bad news. The prisoner Wooster he said, and who
• 4:21:22
  can paint the shame and agony of bertram At hearing himself so described. We'll
• 4:21:26
  pay a fine of five pounds. Oh rather, I said, absolutely,
• 4:21:33
  Like a shot. I was dashed, glad to get the thing settled at
• 4:21:37
  such a reasonable figure. I gazed across what they called the sea of faces
• 4:21:42
  till I picked up Jeeves, sitting at the back stout fellow. He had
• 4:21:47
  come to see the young master through his hour of trial. I say,
• 4:21:51
  Jeeves, I sang out, have you got a fiver? I'm a bit
• 4:21:55
  short silence, bellowed some officious blighter. It's all right, I said,
• 4:22:02
  just arranging the financial details. Got the stuff, Jeeves mees. Sir good
• 4:22:07
  egg, are you a friend of the prisoner, asked the beak. I
• 4:22:11
  am in mister Wooster's employment. Your worship, in the capacity of gentlemen's personal.
• 4:22:18
  Gentlemen, then pay the fine to the clerk. Very good, your
• 4:22:23
  worship. The beak gave a coldish nod in my direction, as much as
• 4:22:29
  to say that they might now strike the fetters from my wrists, and,
• 4:22:33
  having hitched up the pensinet, once more, proceeded to hand poor old Sippy
• 4:22:37
  one of the nastiest looks ever seen in Boucher Street Police Court. The case
• 4:22:42
  of the prisoner Leon Trotsky, which he said, giving Sippy the eye again,
• 4:22:48
  I am strongly inclined to think an assumed and fictitious name is more serious.
• 4:22:55
  He has been convicted of a wanton and violent assault upon the police.
• 4:23:00
  The evidence of the officer has proved that the prisoner struck him in the abdomen,
• 4:23:03
  causing severe internal pain, and in other ways interfered with him in the
• 4:23:07
  execution of his duties. I am aware that on the night following the annual
• 4:23:12
  aquatic contest between the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge, a certain license is traditionally
• 4:23:18
  granted by the authorities, but aggravated acts of ruffianly hooliganism like that of the
• 4:23:23
  prisoner Trotzky, cannot be overlooked or palliated. He will serve a sentence of
• 4:23:29
  thirty days in the second division without the option of a fine. No,
• 4:23:33
  I say here, I dash it all, protested poor old Sippy, silence
• 4:23:40
  bellowed the officious blighter. Next case, said the beak, and that was
• 4:23:44
  that the whole affair was most unfortunate. Memory is a trifle blurred, But
• 4:23:51
  as far as I can piece together the facts, what happened was more or
• 4:23:53
  less this Abstemiou's cove. Though I am as a general thing, there is
• 4:23:59
  one night in the year, when, putting all other engagements aside, I
• 4:24:03
  am rather apt to let myself go a bit and renew my lost youth,
• 4:24:08
  as it were. The night to which I allude is the one following the
• 4:24:12
  annual aquatic contest between the universities of Oxford and Cambridge, or putting it another
• 4:24:18
  way, boat race night. Then, if ever you will see Bertram under
• 4:24:23
  the influence. And on this occasion I freely admit I had been doing myself
• 4:24:29
  rather juicily, with the result that when I ran into Old Sippy opposite the
• 4:24:33
  Empire, I was in quite fairly bonomous mood. This being so, it
• 4:24:38
  cut me to the quick to perceive that Sippy, generally the brightest of revelers,
• 4:24:44
  was far from being his usual sunny self. He had the air of
• 4:24:48
  a man with a secret sorrow. Bertie, he said, as we strolled
• 4:24:52
  along towards Piccadilly Circus. The heart bowed down by weight of woe to weakest
• 4:24:59
  hope will cling Sippy is by way of being an author, though mainly dependent
• 4:25:03
  for the necessaries of life on subsidies from an old aunt who lives in the
• 4:25:07
  country, and his conversation often takes a literary turn. But the trouble is
• 4:25:14
  that I have no hope to cling to weak or otherwise I am up against
• 4:25:18
  it, Bertie, In what way, Laddie, I've got to go tomorrow
• 4:25:23
  and spend three weeks with some absolutely dud I will go further some positively scaly
• 4:25:30
  friends of my aunt, Vera. She has fixed the thing up and may
• 4:25:33
  a nephew's curse blister every bulb in her garden. Who are these hounds of
• 4:25:40
  hell? I asked, some people named Pringle. I haven't seen them since
• 4:25:45
  I was ten, but I remember them at that time, striking me as
• 4:25:48
  England's premier wharts. Tough luck, No wonder you've lost your moral, the
• 4:25:55
  world, said, Sippy, is very gray. How I shake off this
• 4:26:00
  awful depression? It was then that I got one of those bright ideas one
• 4:26:04
  does get around eleven thirty on boat race night. What you want, old
• 4:26:10
  man, I said, is a policeman's helmet? Do I, Bertie?
• 4:26:17
  If I were you, I'd just step straight across the street and get that
• 4:26:21
  one over there. But there's a policeman inside it. You can see him
• 4:26:26
  distinctly. What does that matter? I said, I simply couldn't follow his
• 4:26:30
  reasoning. Sippy stood for a moment in thought. I believe you're absolutely right,
• 4:26:37
  he said, at last, funny, I never thought of it before.
• 4:26:41
  You really recommend me to get that helmet? I do. Indeed,
• 4:26:45
  then I will, said Sippy, brightening up in the most remarkable manner.
• 4:26:52
  So you have the pose ish and you can see why. As I left
• 4:26:56
  the dock, a freeman remorse gnawed at my vitals. In his twenty fifth
• 4:27:00
  year, with life opening out before him and all that sort of thing,
• 4:27:06
  Oliver Randolph Sipperly had become a jail bird and was all my fault. It
• 4:27:11
  was I who dragged that fine spirit down into the mire, so to speak.
• 4:27:15
  And the question now arose, what could I do to atone? Obviously,
• 4:27:19
  the first move would be to get in touch with Sippy and see if
• 4:27:22
  he had any last messages and what not. I pushed about a bit,
• 4:27:26
  making inquiries, and presently found myself in a little dark room with white washed
• 4:27:32
  walls and a wooden bench. Sippy was sitting on the bench with his head
• 4:27:37
  in his hands. How are you, old, lad, I asked in
• 4:27:41
  a hushed bedside voice. I'm a ruined man, said Sippy, looking like
• 4:27:47
  a poached egg. Oh come, I said, It's not so bad as
• 4:27:52
  all that. I mean to say. You had the swift intelligence to give
• 4:27:55
  a false name. There won't be anything about you in the papers. I'm
• 4:28:00
  not worrying about the papers. What's bothering me is how can I go and
• 4:28:04
  spend three weeks with the pringles starting to day when I've got to sit in
• 4:28:08
  a prison cell with a ball and chain on my ankle. But you said
• 4:28:12
  you didn't want to go. It isn't a question of wanting, fat head.
• 4:28:17
  I've got to go. If I don't go, my aunt we'll find
• 4:28:19
  out where I am. And if she finds out that I'm doing thirty days
• 4:28:23
  without the option in the lowest dungeon beneath the castle mote, well where shall
• 4:28:29
  I get off? I saw his point. This is not a thing we
• 4:28:33
  can settle for ourselves, I said gravely. We must put our trust in
• 4:28:37
  a higher power. Jeeves is the man we must consult. And having collected
• 4:28:44
  a few of the necessary data, I shook his hand, patted him on
• 4:28:48
  the back, and tooled off home to Jeeves, Jeeves I said, when
• 4:28:53
  I had climbed outside the pick me up, which he had thoughtfully prepared against
• 4:28:56
  my coming, I've got something to tell you, something important, something that
• 4:29:02
  vitally affects one whom you have always regarded with, one whom you have always
• 4:29:07
  looked upon, one whom you have well to cut a long story short,
• 4:29:12
  as I'm not feeling quite myself, mister Sipperly, yes, sir, Jeeves,
• 4:29:18
  mister Superley is in the sip, Sir. I mean, mister Sipperley
• 4:29:22
  is in the soup, indeed, sir, And all owing to me,
• 4:29:29
  it was I who, in a moment of mistaken kindness, wishing only to
• 4:29:33
  cheer him up and give him something to occupy his mind, recommended him to
• 4:29:38
  pinch that policeman's helmet. Is that so, sir? Do you mind not
• 4:29:45
  intoning the responses? Jeeves I said, this is a most complicated story for
• 4:29:51
  a man with a headache to have to tell, and if you interrupt,
• 4:29:53
  you'll make me lose the thread. As a favor to me, therefore,
• 4:29:56
  don't do it, just not every now and then, to show that you're
• 4:30:00
  following me. I closed my eyes and marshaled the facts to start with,
• 4:30:06
  Jeeves, you may or may not know that mister Sipperley is practically dependent on
• 4:30:11
  his aunt Vera. Would that be Miss Sipperley of the Paddock, Beckley on
• 4:30:15
  the Moor in Yorkshire, Sir, Yes, don't tell me. You know
• 4:30:21
  her, not personally, sir, But I have a cousin residing in the
• 4:30:26
  village who has some slight acquaintance with Miss Sipperley. He has described her to
• 4:30:30
  me as an imperious and quick tempered old lady. But I beg your pardon,
• 4:30:36
  sir. I should have nodded, quite right, you should have nodded,
• 4:30:40
  yes, Jeeves, you should have nodded. But it's too late now.
• 4:30:42
  I nodded myself. I hadn't had my eight hours the night before,
• 4:30:47
  and what you might call a lethargy was showing a tendency to steal over me
• 4:30:51
  from time to time, Yes, sir, said Jeeves. Oh ah,
• 4:30:56
  yes, I said, giving myself a bit of a hitch up. Where
• 4:31:00
  had I got to You were saying that mister Sipperly is practically dependent upon Miss
• 4:31:04
  Sipperly, sir? Was I you were? Sir? You're perfectly right,
• 4:31:10
  so I was. Well, then you can readily understand Jeeves that he has
• 4:31:15
  got to take jolly good care to keep in with her. You get that,
• 4:31:18
  Jeeves nodded, Now mark this closely. The other day she wrote to
• 4:31:23
  old Sippy telling him to come down and sing at her village concert. It
• 4:31:29
  was equivalent to a royal command, if you see what I mean. So
• 4:31:32
  Sippy couldn't refuse in so many words. But he had sung at her village
• 4:31:36
  concert once before and had got the bird in no uncertain manner, So he
• 4:31:40
  wasn't playing any return dates. You follow so far, Jeeves, Jeeves nodded.
• 4:31:45
  So what did he do? Jeeves? He did what seemed to him
• 4:31:48
  at the moment a rather brainy thing. He told her that though he would
• 4:31:52
  have been delighted to sing at her village concert, by a most unfortunate chance,
• 4:31:57
  an editor had commissioned him to write a series of articles on the colleges
• 4:32:00
  of Cambridge, and he was obliged to pop down there at once, and
• 4:32:03
  would be away for quite three weeks all clear up to now. Jeeves inclined
• 4:32:10
  the Cocoanut, whereupon Jeeves Miss Sipperley wrote back, saying that she quite realized
• 4:32:15
  that work must come before pleasure, pleasure being her loose way of describing the
• 4:32:21
  act of singing songs at the Beckley on the Moor concert and getting the laugh
• 4:32:25
  from the local tufts. But that if he was going to Cambridge, he
• 4:32:30
  must certainly stay with her friends, the Pringles, at their house just outside
• 4:32:33
  the town. And she dropped them a line telling them to expect him on
• 4:32:37
  the twenty eighth, and they dropped another line saying, right ho. And
• 4:32:41
  the thing was settled. And now mister Sipperley is in the jug and what
• 4:32:45
  will be the ultimate outcomer? Upshot jeeves. It is a problem worthy of
• 4:32:51
  your great intellect. I rely on you. I will do my best to
• 4:32:56
  justify your confidence, sir. Carry on then, and meanwhile, pull down
• 4:33:00
  the blinds and bring a couple more cushions, and heave that small chair this
• 4:33:04
  way so that I can put my feet up, And then go away and
• 4:33:07
  brood and let me hear from you in say a couple of hours, or
• 4:33:11
  maybe three. And if anybody calls and wants to see me, inform them
• 4:33:15
  that I am dead, dead, sir dead. You won't be so far
• 4:33:22
  wrong. It must have been well towards the evening, when I woke up
• 4:33:26
  with a crick in my neck, but otherwise somewhat refreshed. I pressed the
• 4:33:30
  bell. I looked in twice, Sir, said Jeeves, but on each
• 4:33:33
  occasion you were asleep, and I did not like to disturb you the right
• 4:33:37
  spirit, Jeeves. Well, I have been giving close thought to the little
• 4:33:44
  problem which you indicated, Sir, and I can see only one solution.
• 4:33:48
  One is enough. What do you suggest that you go to Cambridge in mister
• 4:33:55
  Sipperly's place, Sir, I stared at the man. Certainly, I was
• 4:34:00
  feeling a good deal better than I had been a few hours before, but
• 4:34:03
  I was far from being in a fit condition to have rot like this.
• 4:34:07
  Talk to me, Jeeves, I said, sternly, pull yourself together.
• 4:34:11
  This is mere babel from the sick bed. I fear. I can suggest
• 4:34:17
  no other plan of action, Sir, which will extricate mister Sipperley from his
• 4:34:21
  dilemma. But think reflect why even I, in spite of having had a
• 4:34:27
  disturbed night and a most painful morning with the minions of the law, can
• 4:34:32
  see that the scheme is a looney one. To put the finger on only
• 4:34:36
  one leak in the things. It isn't me these people want to see.
• 4:34:40
  It's mister Sipperly. They don't know me from Adam. So much the better,
• 4:34:45
  sir, for what I am suggesting is that you go to Cambridge affecting
• 4:34:49
  actually to be mister Sipperly. This was too much, Jeeves, I said,
• 4:34:56
  and I'm not half sure there weren't tears in my eye. Surely you
• 4:35:00
  can see for yourself that this is pure banana oil. It is not like
• 4:35:04
  you to come into the presence of a sick man and gibber. I think
• 4:35:08
  the plan I have suggested would be practicable, sir. While you were sleeping,
• 4:35:14
  I was able to have a few words with mister Sipperley, and he
• 4:35:18
  informed me that Professor and missus Prinkle have not set eyes upon him since he
• 4:35:22
  was a lad of ten. No, that's true, he told me that,
• 4:35:27
  But even so they would be sure to ask him questions about my aunt,
• 4:35:32
  or rather his aunt. Where would I be? Then, mister Sipperley
• 4:35:37
  was kind enough to give me a few facts respecting miss Sipperley, Sir,
• 4:35:41
  which I jotted down. With these added to what my cousin has told me
• 4:35:45
  of the ladies habits, I think you would be in a position to answer
• 4:35:48
  any ordinary question. There is something dashed insidious about Jeeves. Time and again
• 4:35:56
  since we first came together, he has stunned me with some apparently driveling suggestion
• 4:36:00
  or scheme or ruse or plan of campaign, and after about five minutes has
• 4:36:06
  convinced me that it is not only sound but fruity. It took nearly a
• 4:36:11
  quarter of an hour to reason me into this particular one, it being considerably
• 4:36:15
  the weirdest to date, but he did it. I was holding out pretty
• 4:36:18
  firmly when he suddenly clinched the thing. I would certainly suggest, Sir.
• 4:36:25
  He said that you left London as soon as possible, and remained hid for
• 4:36:29
  some little time in some retreat where you would not be lightly to be found.
• 4:36:33
  Eh. Why during the last hours, Missus Spencer has been on the
• 4:36:40
  telephone three times, Sir, endeavoring to get into communication with you. Aunt
• 4:36:45
  Agatha, I cried, paling beneath my tn Yes, Sir, I gathered
• 4:36:51
  from her remarks that she had been reading in the evening paper a report of
• 4:36:55
  this morning's proceedings in the police court. I hopped from the chair like a
• 4:36:59
  jack rabbit off the prairie if aunt Agatha was out with her hatchet, a
• 4:37:03
  move was most certainly indicated. Jeeves, I said, this is a time
• 4:37:08
  for deeds, not words. Pack, and that right speedily I have packed.
• 4:37:14
  Sir, find out when there is a train for Cambridge, there is
• 4:37:18
  one in forty minutes, Sir, call a taxi. A taxi is at
• 4:37:22
  the door, sir, good, I said, then lead me to it.
• 4:37:27
  The Maison Pringle was quite a bit of a way out of Cambridge,
• 4:37:30
  a mile or two down the Trumpington Road, and when I arrived, everybody
• 4:37:34
  was dressing for dinner. So it wasn't until I had shoved down the evening
• 4:37:38
  raiment and got down to the drawing room that I met the gang. Hullo
• 4:37:42
  hello, I said, taking a deep breath and floating in. I tried
• 4:37:48
  to speak in a clear and ringing voice, but I wasn't feeling my chirpiest.
• 4:37:52
  It is always a nervous job for a diffident and unassuming bloke to visit
• 4:37:56
  a strange house for the first time, and it doesn't make the thing any
• 4:38:00
  better when he goes there pretending to be another fellow. I was conscious of
• 4:38:04
  a rather pronounced sinking feeling which the appearance of the Pringles did nothing to allay
• 4:38:11
  Sippy had described them as England's premiere wartz, and it looked to me as
• 4:38:15
  if he might be about right. Professor Pringle was a thinnish, baldish,
• 4:38:19
  dyspeptic lookingish cove with an eye like a haddock, while Missus Pringle's aspect was
• 4:38:26
  that of one who had had bad news round about the year nineteen hundred and
• 4:38:30
  never really got over it. And I was just staggering under the impact of
• 4:38:33
  these two when I was introduced to a couple of ancient females with shawls all
• 4:38:37
  over them. No doubt you remember my mother, said Professor Pringle, mournfully,
• 4:38:45
  indicating Exhibit A. Oh ah, I said, achieving a bit of
• 4:38:49
  a beam, and my aunt sighed the prough as if things were getting worse
• 4:38:56
  and worse. Well, well, well, I said, shooting another beam
• 4:39:00
  in the direction of Exhibit B. They were saying only this morning that they
• 4:39:04
  remembered you, groaned the prough, abandoning all hope. There was a pause.
• 4:39:11
  The whole strength of the company gazed at me like a family group out
• 4:39:15
  of one of Edgar Allan Poe's less cheery yarns, and I felt my jou
• 4:39:19
  devive dying at the roots. I remember, Oliver said, Exhibit A.
• 4:39:26
  She heaved a sigh. Ah, he was such a pretty child. What
• 4:39:32
  a pity, What a pity. Tactful, of course, and calculated to
• 4:39:37
  put the guest completely at his ease. I remember, Oliver said, Exhibit
• 4:39:42
  B, looking at me in much the same way as the Boscher street beak
• 4:39:45
  had looked at Sippy before putting on the black cap. Nasty little boy,
• 4:39:51
  he teased, my cat aunt Jane's memory is wonderful, considering that she will
• 4:39:57
  be eighty seven next birthday day, whispered missus Pringle with mournful pride. What
• 4:40:04
  did you say, asked the exhibit suspiciously. I said, your memory was
• 4:40:10
  wonderful. Ah. The dear old creature gave me another glare. I could
• 4:40:15
  see that no beautiful friendship was to be looked for by Bertram in this quarter.
• 4:40:21
  He chased my tibby all over the garden, shooting arrows at her from
• 4:40:25
  a bow. At this moment, a cat strolled out from under the sofa
• 4:40:30
  and made for me with its tail up. Cats always do take to me,
• 4:40:33
  which made it all the sadder that I should be saddled with Sippy's criminal
• 4:40:37
  record. I stooped to tickle it under the ear, such being my invariable
• 4:40:41
  policy, and the exhibit uttered a piercing cry, stop him, Stop him.
• 4:40:47
  She leaped forward, moving uncommonly well for one of her years, and
• 4:40:51
  having scooped up. The cat stood eyeing me with bitter defiance, as if
• 4:40:55
  daring me to start anything most unpleasant. I like cats, I said feebly.
• 4:41:03
  It didn't go. The sympathy of the audience was not with me,
• 4:41:07
  and conversation was at what you might call a low ebb. When the door
• 4:41:12
  opened and a girl came in, My daughter Heloise, said the prof moodily,
• 4:41:18
  as if he hated to admit it. I turned to mit the female
• 4:41:23
  and stood there with my hand out gaping. I can't remember when I've had
• 4:41:27
  such a nasty shock. I suppose everybody has had the experience of suddenly meeting
• 4:41:33
  somebody who reminded them frightfully of some fearful person. I mean to say,
• 4:41:40
  by way of an example, once, when I was golfing in Scotland,
• 4:41:42
  I saw a woman come into the hotel who was the living image of my
• 4:41:45
  aunt Agatha. Probably a very decent sort, if I had only waited to
• 4:41:51
  see, but I didn't wait ileggd it that evening, utterly unable to stand
• 4:41:56
  the spectacle. And on another occasion I was driven out of a thoroughly festive
• 4:42:00
  nightclub because the head waiter reminded me of my uncle Percy Well Helloy Springle in
• 4:42:07
  the most ghastly way, resembled Honoria Glossop. I think I may have told
• 4:42:12
  you before about this Glossop scourge. She was the daughter of Sir Roderick Glossop,
• 4:42:18
  the looney doctor, and I had been engaged to her for about three
• 4:42:21
  weeks, much against my wishes, when the old boy most fortunately got the
• 4:42:26
  idea that I was off my rocker and put the bee on the proceedings.
• 4:42:30
  Since then, the mere thought of her had been enough to make me start
• 4:42:33
  out of my sleep with a loud cry. And this girl was exactly like
• 4:42:37
  her. Er How are you, I said, how do you do?
• 4:42:42
  Her voice put the lid on it. It might have been Honoria herself talking.
• 4:42:48
  Honoria Glossop has a voice like a lion tamer making some authoritative announcement to
• 4:42:52
  one of the troop, and so had this girl. I backed away convulsively
• 4:42:57
  and sprang into the air as my foot stubbed itself against something squashy. A
• 4:43:03
  sharp yowl rent the air, followed by an indignant cry, and I turned
• 4:43:07
  to see Aunt Jane on all fours, trying to put things right with the
• 4:43:11
  cat, which had gone to earth under the sofa. She gave me a
• 4:43:15
  look, and I could see that her worst fears had been realized at this
• 4:43:21
  junctured dinner was announced not before I was ready for it, Jeeves, I
• 4:43:26
  said, when I got him alone that night. I am no faint heart,
• 4:43:30
  but I am inclined to think that this binge is going to prove a
• 4:43:33
  shade above the odds. You are not enjoying your visit, sir, I
• 4:43:38
  am not, Jeeves. Have you seen Miss Prinkle, Yes, sir,
• 4:43:44
  from a distance the best way to see her. Did you observe her keenly?
• 4:43:49
  Yes, sir. Did she remind you of anybody? She appeared to
• 4:43:56
  me to bear a remarkable likeness to her cousin, Miss Gla Gossip, Sir,
• 4:44:00
  her cousin. You don't mean to say that she's Honoria Glossop's cousin,
• 4:44:07
  Yes, sir. Missus Pringle was a Blatherwick, the younger of two sisters,
• 4:44:12
  the elder of whom married Sir Roderick Glossop, Great Scott. That accounts
• 4:44:18
  for the resemblance, yes, sir, and what a resemblance, Jeeves.
• 4:44:23
  She even talks like Miss Glossop. Indeed, Sir, I have not yet
• 4:44:27
  heard Miss Pringle speak. You have missed little. And what it amounts to,
• 4:44:33
  Jeeves, is that though nothing will induce me to let old Sippy down,
• 4:44:36
  I can see that this visit is going to try me high at a
• 4:44:40
  pinch. I could stand the profen wife. I could even make the effort
• 4:44:44
  of a lifetime and bear up against Aunt Jane. But to expect a man
• 4:44:48
  to mix daily with the girl Heloise, and to do it what is more
• 4:44:52
  on lemonade, which is all there was to drink at dinner, is to
• 4:44:56
  ask too much of him. What shall I do, Jeeves? I think
• 4:45:00
  you should avoid Miss Pringle's society as much as possible. The same great thought
• 4:45:07
  had occurred to me, I said. It is all very well, though,
• 4:45:11
  to talk airily about avoiding a female society. But when you are living
• 4:45:15
  in the same house with her and she doesn't want to avoid you, it
• 4:45:18
  takes a bit of doing. It is a peculiar thing in life that the
• 4:45:22
  people you most particularly want to edge away from always seem to cluster round like
• 4:45:26
  a poultice. I hadn't been twenty four hours in the place before I perceived
• 4:45:32
  that I was going to see a lot of this pestilence. She was one
• 4:45:37
  of those girls you're always meeting on the stairs and in passages. I couldn't
• 4:45:41
  go into a room without seeing her drift in a minute later, And if
• 4:45:45
  I walked in the garden, she was sure to leap out at me from
• 4:45:48
  a laurel bush or the onion bed or something. By about the tenth day,
• 4:45:52
  I had begun to feel absolutely haunted. Jeeves, I said, I
• 4:45:57
  have begun to feel absolutely haunted, Sir. This woman dogs me. I
• 4:46:03
  never seemed to get a moment to myself. Old Sippy was supposed to come
• 4:46:07
  here to make a study of the Cambridge colleges, and she took me round
• 4:46:11
  about fifty seven this morning. This afternoon I went to sit in the garden,
• 4:46:17
  and she popped up through a trap and was in my midst. This
• 4:46:19
  evening she cornered me in the morning room. It's getting so that when I
• 4:46:22
  have a bath, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find her nestling in
• 4:46:26
  the soap dish. Extremely trying, Sir Dashed, So have you any remedy
• 4:46:33
  to suggest not? At the moment, sir, Miss Pringle does appear to
• 4:46:37
  be distinctly interested in you, Sir. She was asking me questions this morning
• 4:46:42
  respecting your mode of life in London. What yes, sir? I stared
• 4:46:49
  at the man in horror. A ghastly thought had struck me. I quivered
• 4:46:53
  like an aspen. At lunch that day, a curious thing had happened.
• 4:46:59
  We had just finished mangling the cutlets, and I was sitting back in my
• 4:47:03
  chair, taking a bit of an easy before being allotted my slab of boiled
• 4:47:06
  pudding. When happening to look up, I caught the girl Heloise's eye fixed
• 4:47:11
  on me in what seemed to me a rather rummy manner. I didn't think
• 4:47:15
  much about it at the time, because boiled pudding is a thing you have
• 4:47:18
  to give your undivided attention to if you want to do yourself justice. But
• 4:47:22
  now recalling the episode in the light of Jeeves's words, the full sinister meaning
• 4:47:26
  of the thing seemed to come home to me. Even at the moment something
• 4:47:32
  about that look had struck me as oddly familiar, and now I suddenly saw
• 4:47:36
  why. It had been the identical look which I had observed in the eye
• 4:47:40
  of Honoria Glossop in the days immediately preceding our engagement, the look of a
• 4:47:45
  tigris that has marked down its prey. Jeeves, do you know what I
• 4:47:51
  think, sir? I gulped slightly, Jeeves, I said, listen attentively.
• 4:47:59
  I don't want to give the imp ession that I consider myself one of
• 4:48:00
  those deadly coves who exercise an irresistible fascination over one and all and can't meet
• 4:48:06
  a girl without wrecking her peace of mind in the first half minute. As
• 4:48:10
  a matter of fact, it's rather the other way with me, for girls,
• 4:48:12
  on entering my presence are mostly inclined to give me the raised eyebrow and
• 4:48:15
  the twitching upper lip. Nobody therefore, can say that I am a man
• 4:48:21
  who is likely to take alarm unnecessarily. You admit that, don't you,
• 4:48:26
  Yes, sir. Nevertheless, Jeeves, it is a known scientific fact that
• 4:48:30
  there is a particular style of female that does seem strangely attracted to the sort
• 4:48:36
  of fellow I am very true Sir, I mean to say, I know
• 4:48:41
  perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a
• 4:48:45
  normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about
• 4:48:48
  twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with
• 4:48:52
  the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it,
• 4:48:56
  but it is so. It may be provision for maintaining the balance of
• 4:49:02
  the species, Sir, very possibly. Anyway, it has happened to me
• 4:49:06
  over and over again. It was what happened in the case of Honoria Glossop.
• 4:49:11
  She was notoriously one of the brainiest women of her year at Girton,
• 4:49:14
  and she just gathered me in like a bull pup swallowing a piece of steak.
• 4:49:18
  Miss Pringle, i am informed, Sir, was an even more brilliant
• 4:49:22
  scholar than Miss Glossop. Well, there you are, Jeeves, she looks
• 4:49:29
  at me. Yes, Sir, I keep meeting her on the stairs and
• 4:49:33
  in passages. Indeed, Sir, she recommends me books to read to improve
• 4:49:40
  my mind. Highly suggestive, sir. And at breakfast this morning, when
• 4:49:45
  I was eating a sausage, she told me I shouldn't as the modern medical
• 4:49:48
  science held that a four inch sausage contained as many germs as a dead rat.
• 4:49:52
  The maternal touch. You understand fussing over my health. I think we
• 4:49:57
  may regard that, sir as pre conclusive. I sank into a chair,
• 4:50:03
  thoroughly pipped. What's to be done, jeeves? We must think, sir,
• 4:50:10
  you think I haven't the machinery. I will most certainly devote my very
• 4:50:15
  best attention to the matter, sir, and will endeavor to give satisfaction.
• 4:50:19
  Well that was something, but I was ill at ease. Yes, there
• 4:50:23
  is no getting away from it. Bertram was ill at ease. Next morning
• 4:50:29
  we visited sixty three more Cambridge Colleges, and after lunch I said I was
• 4:50:33
  going to my room to lie down. After staying there for half an hour,
• 4:50:37
  to give the coast time to clear. I shoved a book and smoking
• 4:50:41
  materials into my pocket and climbed out of a window shinned down a convenient water
• 4:50:45
  pipe into the garden. My objective was the summer house, where it seemed
• 4:50:49
  to me that a man might put in a quiet hour or so without interruption.
• 4:50:53
  It was extremely jolly in the garden. The sun was shining. Their
• 4:50:59
  crocuses were all to the mustard, and there wasn't a sign of Hellowa springle
• 4:51:02
  anywhere. The cat was fooling about on the lawn, so I trimped to
• 4:51:07
  it, and it gave a low gargle and came trotting up. I had
• 4:51:11
  just got it in my arms and was scratching it under the ear when there
• 4:51:14
  was a loud shriek from above, and there was Aunt Jane half out of
• 4:51:18
  the window, dashed disturbing. Oh right, ho, I said. I
• 4:51:22
  dropped the cat, which galloped off into the bushes, and, dismissing the
• 4:51:26
  idea of bunging a brick at the aged relative, went on my way,
• 4:51:30
  heading for the shrubbery. Once safely hidden there, I worked round till I
• 4:51:36
  got to the summer house, and believe me, I had hardly got my
• 4:51:40
  first cigarette nicely under way when a shadow fell on my book and there was
• 4:51:45
  young Sticketh closer than a brother in person. So there you are, she
• 4:51:51
  said. She seated herself by my side, and with a sort of gruesome
• 4:51:56
  playfulness, jerked the gasper out of the holder and heave it through the door.
• 4:52:00
  You're always smoking, she said, a lot too much like a lovingly
• 4:52:06
  chiding young bride for my comfort. I wish you wouldn't. It's so bad
• 4:52:11
  for you, and you ought not to be sitting out here without your light
• 4:52:14
  overcoat. You want someone to look after you. I've got Jeeves, she
• 4:52:21
  frowned a bit. I don't like him, she said, Eh, why
• 4:52:26
  not? I don't know. I wish you would get rid of him.
• 4:52:30
  My flesh absolutely crept, and I'll tell you why. One of the first
• 4:52:36
  things Honoria Glossop had done after we had become engaged was to tell me she
• 4:52:41
  didn't like Jeeves and wanted him shot out. The realization that this girl resembled
• 4:52:45
  Honoria, not only in body but in blackness of soul made me go all
• 4:52:49
  faint. What are you reading? She picked up my book and frowned again.
• 4:52:57
  The thing was one I had brought down from the old Latin London to
• 4:53:00
  glance at in the train, a fairly zippy effort in the detective line called
• 4:53:04
  The Trail of Blood. She turned the pages with a nasty sneer. I
• 4:53:11
  can't understand you liking nonsense of this. She stopped. Suddenly, good,
• 4:53:15
  gracious, what's the matter do you know Bertie Wooster? And then I saw
• 4:53:25
  that my name was scrawled right across the title page, and my heart did
• 4:53:29
  three back somersaults. Oh well, that is to say, well slightly.
• 4:53:38
  He must be a perfect horror. I'm surprised that you could make a friend
• 4:53:44
  of him. Apart from anything else, the man is practically an imbecile.
• 4:53:48
  He was engaged to my cousin Honoria at one time, and it was broken
• 4:53:52
  off because he was next door to insane. You should hear my uncle Roderick
• 4:53:57
  talk about him, wasn't keen? Do you see much of him? A
• 4:54:03
  goodish bit? I saw in the paper the other day that he was fined
• 4:54:08
  for making a disgraceful disturbance in the street. Yes, I saw that.
• 4:54:15
  She gazed at me in a foul motherly way. He can't be a good
• 4:54:21
  influence for you, she said. I do wish you would drop him,
• 4:54:25
  will you? Well? I began at this point. Old Cuthbert the cat,
• 4:54:30
  having presumably found it a bit slow by himself in the bushes, wandered
• 4:54:36
  in with a maty expression on his face and jumped on my lap. I
• 4:54:40
  welcomed him with a good deal of cordiality, though but a cat. He
• 4:54:45
  did make a sort of third at this party, and he afforded a good
• 4:54:48
  excuse for changing the conversation. Jolly birds cats, I said, she wasn't
• 4:54:55
  having any. Will you drop Bertie Wooster, she said, absolutely, ignoring
• 4:55:00
  the cat Motif it would be so difficult, nonsense, It only needs a
• 4:55:07
  little will power. The man surely can't be so interesting a companion as all
• 4:55:11
  that Uncle Roderick says. He is an invertebrate waster. I could have mentioned
• 4:55:18
  a few things that I thought Uncle Roderick was, but my lips were sealed.
• 4:55:22
  So to speak, you have changed a great deal since we last met,
• 4:55:26
  said the pringle dizise reproachfully. She bent forward and began to scratch the
• 4:55:32
  cat under the other ear. Do you remember when we were children together you
• 4:55:37
  used to say that you would do anything for me? Did I? I
• 4:55:42
  remember once you cried because I was cross and wouldn't let you kiss me.
• 4:55:48
  I didn't believe it at the time, and I don't believe it now.
• 4:55:52
  Sippy is in many ways a good deal of a chump. But surely,
• 4:55:56
  even at the age of ten, he cannot have been such a priceless ass
• 4:55:59
  as that. I think the girl was lying, but that didn't make the
• 4:56:03
  position of affairs any better. I edged away a couple of inches and sat
• 4:56:07
  staring before me, the old brow beginning to get slightly bedewed. And then
• 4:56:12
  suddenly, well you know how it is. I mean, I suppose everyone
• 4:56:18
  has had that ghastly feeling at one time or another of being urged by some
• 4:56:22
  overwhelming force to do some absolutely blithering act. You get it every now and
• 4:56:27
  then when you're in a crowded theater and something seems to be egging you on
• 4:56:30
  to shout fire and see what happens, or you're talking to some one and
• 4:56:37
  all at once you feel. Now, suppose I suddenly biffed this bird in
• 4:56:41
  the eye. Well, what I'm driving at is this? At this juncture,
• 4:56:47
  with her shoulder squashing against mine and her black hair tickling my nose,
• 4:56:52
  a perfectly loony impulse came sweeping over me to kiss her. No really,
• 4:56:57
  I croaked, Have you forgotten? She lifted the old onion and her eyes
• 4:57:03
  looked straight into mine. I could feel myself skidding. I shut my eyes,
• 4:57:10
  and then from the doorway there spoke the most beautiful voice I had ever
• 4:57:12
  heard in my life. Give me that cat. I opened my eyes.
• 4:57:21
  There was good old Aunt Jane, that queen of her sex standing before me,
• 4:57:26
  glaring at me as if I were a vivisectionist, and she had surprised
• 4:57:29
  me in the middle of an experiment. How this pearl among women had tracked
• 4:57:33
  me down, I don't know, But there she stood, bless her dear,
• 4:57:36
  intelligent, old soul, like the rescue party in the last reel of
• 4:57:40
  a motion picture. I didn't wait. The spell was broken, and I
• 4:57:45
  legged it. As I went, I heard that lovely voice again. He
• 4:57:49
  shot arrows at my tibby from a bow, said this most deserving and excellent
• 4:57:56
  octogenarian. For the next few days all was peace. I saw comparatively little
• 4:58:03
  of Heloise. I found the strategic value of that water pipe outside my window
• 4:58:07
  beyond praise. I seldom left the house now by any other route. It
• 4:58:12
  seemed to me that if only the luck held like this, I might after
• 4:58:17
  all be able to stick this visit out for a full term of the sentence.
• 4:58:22
  But meanwhile, as they say in the movies, the whole family appeared
• 4:58:26
  to be present and correct. As I came down to the drawing room.
• 4:58:29
  A couple of nights later, the prof Missus proff the two exhibits and the
• 4:58:33
  girl Heloise were scattered about at intervals, the cat slept on the rug,
• 4:58:38
  the canary in its cage. There was nothing, in short to indicate that
• 4:58:42
  this was not just one of our ordinary evenings. Well, well, well,
• 4:58:48
  I said, cheerily, Helloalloallo. I always like to make something in
• 4:58:52
  the nature of an entrance speech. It seemed to me to lend a chummy
• 4:58:56
  note to the proceedings. The girl, Hellowise, looked at me reproachfully.
• 4:59:02
  Where have you been all day? She asked. I went to my room
• 4:59:06
  after lunch. You weren't there at five. No. After putting in a
• 4:59:11
  spell of work on the good old colleges, I went for a stroll.
• 4:59:15
  Fellow must have exercise if he means to keep fit. Mensna in corpore SnO,
• 4:59:22
  observed the proth. I shouldn't wonder, I said, cordially. At
• 4:59:26
  this point, when everything was going as sweet as a nut and I was
• 4:59:30
  feeling on top of my form, missus Pringle suddenly socked me on the base
• 4:59:33
  of the skull with a sand bag. Not actually, I don't mean no,
• 4:59:37
  No, I speak figuratively, as it were. Roderick is very late,
• 4:59:44
  she said. You may think it strange that the sound of that name
• 4:59:48
  should have sloshed into my nerve centers like a half brick. But take it
• 4:59:52
  from me to a man who has had any dealings with Sir Roderick Glossop,
• 4:59:56
  there is only one Roderick in the world, and that is one to m
• 5:00:00
  many Roderick, I gurgled, my brother in law. Sir Roderic Glossop comes
• 5:00:06
  to Cambridge to night, said the prop. He lectures at Saint Luke's tomorrow.
• 5:00:11
  He is coming here to dinner. And while I stood there feeling like
• 5:00:15
  the hero, when he discovers that he is trapped in the den of the
• 5:00:18
  secret nine, the door opened, Sir Roderick Glossop announced the maid or some
• 5:00:25
  such person, and in he came. One of the things that get this
• 5:00:30
  old crumb so generally disliked among the better element of the community is the fact
• 5:00:33
  that he has a head like the dome of Saint Paul's, and eyebrows that
• 5:00:37
  want bobbing or shingling to reduce them to anything like reasonable size. It is
• 5:00:42
  a nasty experience to see this bald and bushy bloke advancing on you when you
• 5:00:47
  haven't prepared their strategic railways in your rear. As he came into the room.
• 5:00:52
  I backed behind a sofa and commended my soul to God. I didn't
• 5:00:56
  need to have my hand read to know that trouble was coming to me through
• 5:01:00
  a dark man. He didn't spot me at first. He shook hands with
• 5:01:04
  the Prof and wife, kissed Helouise, and waggled his head at the exhibits.
• 5:01:10
  I fear I am somewhat late, he said, A slight accident on
• 5:01:14
  the road affecting what my chauffeur termed thee. And then he saw me lurking
• 5:01:19
  on the outskirts and gave a startled grunt, as if I hurt him a
• 5:01:23
  good deal internally. This began the prof waving in my direction. I am
• 5:01:30
  already acquainted with mister Wooster. This went on. The Prof is miss Sipperley's
• 5:01:37
  nephew, Oliver, You remember miss Sipperly. What do you mean? Barked
• 5:01:44
  Sir Roderick, having had so much to do with Looney's, has given him
• 5:01:48
  a rather sharp and authoritative manner on occasion. This is that wretched young man
• 5:01:52
  Bertram Wooster. What is all this nonsense about Oliver's and Sipperley's. The Prof
• 5:02:00
  was eyeing me with some natural surprise. So were the others. I beamed
• 5:02:06
  a little weakly. Well. As a matter of fact, I said.
• 5:02:11
  The prof was wrestling with the situation. You could hear his brain buzzing.
• 5:02:17
  He said he was Oliver sipperly, he moaned, come here, bellowed Sir
• 5:02:22
  Roderick. Am I to understand that you have inflicted yourself on this household under
• 5:02:27
  the pretense of being the nephew of an old friend. It seemed a pretty
• 5:02:33
  accurate description of the facts. Well Er, yes, I said, Sir
• 5:02:38
  Roderick shot an eye at me. It entered the body somewhere about the top
• 5:02:44
  stud, roamed around inside for a bit and went out the back. Insane,
• 5:02:49
  quite insane, as I knew from the first moment I saw him.
• 5:02:55
  What did he say, asked Aunt Jane. Roderick says, this young man
• 5:03:00
  is insane, roared the prof, Ah, said Aunt Jane, nodding.
• 5:03:04
  I thought, so. He climbs down water pipes, does what I've seen
• 5:03:11
  him ah many a time, Sir Roderick snorted violently. He ought to be
• 5:03:18
  under proper restraint. It is abominable that a person in his mental condition should
• 5:03:22
  be permitted to roam the world at large. The next stage may quite easily
• 5:03:26
  be homicidal. It seemed to me that even at the expense of giving old
• 5:03:32
  Sippy away, I must be cleared of this frightful charge. After all,
• 5:03:36
  Sippy's number was up. Anyway, let me explain, I said, Sippy
• 5:03:41
  asked me to come here. What do you mean he couldn't come himself because
• 5:03:48
  he was jugged for biffing a cop on boat race night. Well, it
• 5:03:52
  wasn't easy to make them get the hang of the story, and even when
• 5:03:56
  I'd done it, it didn't seem to make them any chummier towards me.
• 5:04:00
  A certain coldness about expresses it. And when dinner was announced, I counted
• 5:04:03
  myself out and pushed off rapidly to my room. I could have done with
• 5:04:08
  a bit of dinner, but the atmosphere didn't seem just right, Jeeves,
• 5:04:14
  I said, having shot in and pressed the bell, were sunk, Sir,
• 5:04:18
  Hell's foundations are quivering and the game is up. He listened attentively.
• 5:04:25
  The contingency was one always to have been anticipated as a possibility, sir.
• 5:04:30
  It only remains to take the obvious step. What's that? Go and see
• 5:04:37
  miss Sipperly, Sir, What on earth for I think it would be judicious
• 5:04:44
  to apprize her of the facts yourself, sir, instead of allowing her to
• 5:04:48
  hear of them through the medium of a letter from Professor Pringle. That is
• 5:04:52
  to say, if you are still anxious to do all in your power to
• 5:04:56
  assist mister Sipperly, I can't let Sippy down. If you think it's any
• 5:05:00
  good, we can but try it, Sir. I have an idea,
• 5:05:04
  Sir, that we may find Miss Sipperley disposed to look leniently upon mister Sipperley's
• 5:05:11
  misdemeanor. What makes you think that it is just a feeling that I have,
• 5:05:17
  sir? Well, if you think it would be worth trying, how
• 5:05:21
  do we get there? The distance is about a hundred and fifty miles,
• 5:05:25
  sir. Our best plan would be too hire a car get it at once.
• 5:05:30
  I said. The idea of being a hundred and fifty miles away from
• 5:05:33
  Hellowy Springle, not to mention Aunt Jane and Sir Roderick Glossop, sounded about
• 5:05:40
  as good to me as anything I had ever heard. The paddock Beckley on
• 5:05:45
  the Moor was about a couple of Paris hangs from the village, and I
• 5:05:48
  set out for it next morning, after partaking of a hearty breakfast at the
• 5:05:52
  local inn, practically without a tremor. I suppose when a fellow has been
• 5:05:56
  through it, as I had in the last two weeks, his system becomes
• 5:06:00
  hardened. After all, I felt, whatever this aunt of Sippy's might be
• 5:06:03
  like, she wasn't Sir Roderick Glossop. So I was that much on velvet
• 5:06:08
  from the start. The paddock was one of those medium sized houses with a
• 5:06:12
  goodish bit of very tidy garden and carefully rolled gravel drive curving past a shrubbery
• 5:06:18
  that looked as if it had just come back from the dry cleaner, the
• 5:06:22
  sort of house you take one look at and say to yourself, somebody's aunt
• 5:06:26
  lives there. I pushed on up the drive, and as I turned the
• 5:06:30
  bend, I observed in the middle distance a woman messing about by a flower
• 5:06:34
  bed with a trowel in her hand. If this wasn't the female I was
• 5:06:38
  after, I was very much mistaken. So I halted, cleared the throat,
• 5:06:42
  and gave tongue Miss Sipperly. She had had her back to me,
• 5:06:48
  and at the sound of my voice she executed a sort of leap or bound,
• 5:06:52
  not unlike a barefoot dancer who steps on a tin tack. Half way
• 5:06:56
  through the vision of Salome, she came to earth and goggled at me in
• 5:07:00
  a rather goofy manner, A large, stout female with a reddish face.
• 5:07:07
  Hope I didn't startle you, I said, who are you? My name's
• 5:07:12
  Wooster. I'm a pall of your nephew Oliver. Her breathing had become more
• 5:07:18
  regular. Oh, she said. When I heard your voice, I thought
• 5:07:23
  you were some one else. No, that's who I am. I came
• 5:07:27
  up here to tell you about Oliver. What about him? I hesitated.
• 5:07:34
  Now that we were approaching what you might call the nub or crux of the
• 5:07:38
  situation, A good deal of my breezy confidence seemed to have slipped from me.
• 5:07:44
  Well, it's rather a painful tale, I must warn you. Oliver
• 5:07:48
  isn't ill. He hasn't had an accident. She spoke anxiously, and I
• 5:07:53
  was pleased at this evidence of human feeling. I decided to shoot the works
• 5:07:59
  with no more delay. Oh no, he isn't ill, I said.
• 5:08:02
  And as regards having accidents, it depends on what you call an accident.
• 5:08:07
  He's in choky in what in prison, in prison. It was entirely my
• 5:08:17
  fault. We were strolling along on boat Race night and I advised him to
• 5:08:21
  pinch a policeman's helmet. I don't understand well. He seemed depressed, don't
• 5:08:29
  you know, And rightly or wrongly, I thought it might cheer him up
• 5:08:30
  if he stepped across the street and call it a policeman's helmet. He thought
• 5:08:34
  it was a good idea too, so he started doing it, and the
• 5:08:37
  man made a fuss, and Oliver sloshed him, sloshed him, biffed him,
• 5:08:45
  smote him a blow in the stomach. My nephew Oliver hit a policeman
• 5:08:53
  in the stomach, absolutely in the stomach, and next morning the beaks and
• 5:09:00
  him to the beastille for thirty days without the option. I was looking at
• 5:09:03
  her a bit anxiously all this while to see how she was taking the thing,
• 5:09:08
  And at this moment her face seemed suddenly a split in half. For
• 5:09:12
  an instant she appeared to be all mouth, and then she was staggering about
• 5:09:17
  the grass, shouting with laughter and waving the trowel madly. It seemed to
• 5:09:23
  me a bit of luck for her that Sir Roderic Glossop wasn't on the spot,
• 5:09:27
  he would have been sitting on her head and calling for the strait waistcoat
• 5:09:30
  in the first half minute. You aren't annoyed, I said, annoyed,
• 5:09:37
  she chuckled happily. I've never heard such a splendid thing in my life.
• 5:09:44
  I was pleased and relieved. I had hoped the news wouldn't upset her too
• 5:09:48
  much, but I had never expected it to go with such a roar as
• 5:09:52
  this. I'm proud of him, she said, that's fine. If every
• 5:09:59
  young man in England went about hitting policemen in the stomach, it would be
• 5:10:03
  a better country to live in. I couldn't follow her reasoning, but everything
• 5:10:07
  seemed to be all right, so after a few more cheery words, I
• 5:10:11
  said goodbye and legged it. Jeeves, I said, when I got back
• 5:10:15
  to the inn, everything's fine, but I am far from understanding why what
• 5:10:22
  actually occurred when you met miss Sipperly? Sir? I told her Sippy was
• 5:10:26
  in the jug for assaulting the police, upon which she burst into hearty laughter,
• 5:10:33
  waved her trowel in a pleased manner, and said she was proud of
• 5:10:37
  him. I think I can explain her. Apparently, eccentric behavior. Sir,
• 5:10:45
  I am informed that Miss Sipperly has had a good deal of annoyance at
• 5:10:49
  the hands of the local constable during the past two weeks. This has doubtless
• 5:10:56
  resulted in a prejudice on her part against the force as a whole. Really,
• 5:11:02
  how was that the constable has been somewhat over zealous in the performance of
• 5:11:07
  his duty, Sir? On no fewer than three occasions in the last ten
• 5:11:12
  days, he has served summonses upon Miss Sipperly for exceeding the speed limit in
• 5:11:18
  her car, for allowing her dog to appear in public without a collar,
• 5:11:23
  and for failing to abate a smoky chimney. Being in the nature of an
• 5:11:27
  autocrat, if I may use the term, in the village, Miss Sipperly
• 5:11:33
  has been accustomed to do these things in the past with impunity, and the
• 5:11:37
  Constable's unexpected zeal has made her somewhat ill disposed to policemen as a class,
• 5:11:44
  and consequently disposed to look upon such assaults as mister Sipperley's. In a kindly
• 5:11:49
  and broad minded spirit, I saw his point. What an amazing bit of
• 5:11:56
  luck. Jeeves, Yes, sir, where did you hear all this?
• 5:12:02
  My informant was the constable himself. Sir, he is my cousin. I
• 5:12:08
  gaped at the man I saw so to speak. All good, Lord Jeeves.
• 5:12:15
  You didn't bribe him, Oh, no, sir. But it was
• 5:12:19
  his birthday last week, and I gave him a little present. I have
• 5:12:23
  always been fond of Egbert, Sir, how much a matter of five pounds,
• 5:12:30
  sir, I felt in my pocket. Here you are, I said,
• 5:12:34
  and another fiver for luck. Thank you very much, sir, Jeeves,
• 5:12:41
  I said, you move in a mysterious way, your wonders to perform.
• 5:12:45
  You don't mind if I sing a bit? Do you not? At
• 5:12:48
  all? Sir? Said Jeeves, fixing it for Freddy, Jeeves I said,
• 5:12:56
  looking in on him one afternoon on my return from the club. I
• 5:13:00
  don't want to interrupt you, no, sir, but I would like a
• 5:13:04
  word with you. Yes, sir. He had been packing a few of
• 5:13:08
  the woostern necessaries in the old kit bag against our approaching visit to the sea
• 5:13:12
  side, and he now rose and stood, bursting with courteous zeal. Jeeves
• 5:13:18
  I said, a somewhat disturbing situation has arisen with regard to a pal of
• 5:13:22
  mine. Indeed, sir, you know mister Beauleivant. Yes, sir well,
• 5:13:30
  I slid into the drones this morning for a bite of lunch and found
• 5:13:33
  him in a dark corner of the smoking room, looking like the last rows
• 5:13:37
  of summer. Naturally, I was surprised. You know what a bright lad
• 5:13:41
  he is, as a rule, the life and soul of every gathering he
• 5:13:45
  attends, Yes, sir, quite the little lump of fun. In fact,
• 5:13:51
  precisely, sir well. I made inquiries and he told me that he
• 5:13:56
  had had a quarrel with the girl he's engaged to. You knew he was
• 5:14:00
  engaged to miss Elizabeth Vickers. Yes, sir, I recall reading the announcement
• 5:14:06
  in the morning post. Well, he isn't any longer. What the row
• 5:14:11
  was about, he didn't say. But the broad facts, Jeeves, are
• 5:14:15
  that she has scratched the fixture. She won't let him come near her,
• 5:14:18
  refuses to talk on the phone, and sends back his letters unopened. Extremely
• 5:14:25
  trying, sir. We ought to do something, Jeeves, but what it
• 5:14:30
  is somewhat difficult to make a suggestion, sir well. What I'm going to
• 5:14:37
  do, for a start, is to take him down to Marvis Bay with
• 5:14:40
  me. I know these birds who have been handed their hat by the girl
• 5:14:42
  of their dreams, Jeeves. What they want is complete change of scene.
• 5:14:48
  There is much in what you say, sir. Yes, change of scene
• 5:14:52
  is the thing I heard of a man. Girl refused him. Man went
• 5:14:57
  abroad. Two months later girl wired him come back Muriel. Man started to
• 5:15:03
  write out a reply, suddenly found that he couldn't remember girl's surname, so
• 5:15:08
  never answered at all, and lived happily ever after. It may well be
• 5:15:12
  Jeeves that after Freddy Bulivant has had a few weeks of marves Bay, he
• 5:15:18
  will get completely over it. Very possibly, sir, And if not,
• 5:15:23
  it is quite likely that, refreshed by sea air and good simple food,
• 5:15:27
  you will get a brain wave and think up some scheme for bringing these two
• 5:15:30
  misguided blighters together again. I will do my best, Sir. I knew
• 5:15:36
  it, Jeeves, I knew it. Don't forget to put in plenty of
• 5:15:38
  socks, no, sir, also of tennis shirts, not a few,
• 5:15:45
  very good, Sir. I left him to his packing, and a couple
• 5:15:49
  of days later we started off for marves Bay, where I had taken a
• 5:15:52
  cottage for July and August. I don't know if you know Marvis Bay.
• 5:15:57
  It's in Dorsetshire, and while not what you would call a fiercely exciting spot,
• 5:16:03
  has many good points. You spend the day there bathing and sitting on
• 5:16:07
  the sands, and in the evening you stroll out on the shore with the
• 5:16:10
  mosquitoes. At nine p m. You rub ointment on the wounds and go
• 5:16:14
  to bed. It was a simple, healthy life, and it seemed to
• 5:16:18
  suit poor old Freddy absolutely. Once the moon was up and the breeze sighing
• 5:16:22
  in the trees, you couldn't drag him from that beach with ropes. He
• 5:16:26
  became quite a popular pet with the mosquitoes. They would hang round waiting for
• 5:16:30
  him to come out, and would give a miss to perfectly good strollers,
• 5:16:34
  just so as to be in good condition for him. It was during the
• 5:16:37
  day that I found Freddy, poor old chap a trifle heavy as a guest.
• 5:16:42
  I suppose you can't blame a bloke whose heart is broken, but it
• 5:16:45
  required a good deal of fortitude to bear up against this gloom crushed exhibit.
• 5:16:49
  During the early days of our little holiday, when he wasn't chewing a pipe
• 5:16:53
  and scowling at the carpet he was sitting at the piano, playing the rosary
• 5:16:57
  with one finger. He couldn't play anything except the rosary, and he couldn't
• 5:17:02
  play much of that. However, firmly and confidently he started off. Somewhere
• 5:17:07
  around the third bar, a fuse would blow out and he would have to
• 5:17:10
  start all over again. He was playing it as usual one morning when I
• 5:17:15
  came in from bathing, and it seemed to me that he was extracting more
• 5:17:18
  hideous melancholy from it even than usual. Nor had my sense deceived me,
• 5:17:26
  Bertie, he said in a hollow voice, skidding on the fourth crotchet from
• 5:17:30
  the left as you enter the second bar, and producing a distressing sound like
• 5:17:34
  the death rattle of a sand eel. I've seen her, seen her,
• 5:17:40
  I said, what, Elizabeth Vickers, how do you mean you've seen her?
• 5:17:45
  She isn't down here, Yes she is. I suppose she's staying with
• 5:17:49
  relations or something. I was down at the post office seeing if there were
• 5:17:55
  any letters, and we met in the doorway. What happened? She cut
• 5:18:00
  me dead. He started the rosary again and stubbed his finger on a semiquaver.
• 5:18:07
  Bertie, He said, you ought never to have brought me here.
• 5:18:11
  I must go away, go away, don't talk such rot. This is
• 5:18:15
  the best thing that could have happened. It's a most amazing bit of luck,
• 5:18:19
  her being down here. This is where you come out strong, she
• 5:18:25
  cut me. Never mind, be a sportsman, have another dash at her.
• 5:18:32
  She looked clean through me. Well, don't mind that. Stick at
• 5:18:37
  it now. Having got her down here, what you want, I said,
• 5:18:41
  is to place her under some obligation to you. What you want is
• 5:18:45
  to get her timidly thanking you what you want. What's she going to thank
• 5:18:51
  me timidly? For? I thought for a while. Undoubtedly he had put
• 5:18:56
  his finger on the nub of the problem. For some moments I was at
• 5:19:00
  a loss, not to say, nonplussed. Then I saw the way.
• 5:19:06
  What you want, I said, is to look out for a chance and
• 5:19:11
  save her from drowning. I can't swim. That was Freddy buleivant all over
• 5:19:18
  a dear old chap in a thousand ways, but no help to a fellow,
• 5:19:22
  if you know what I mean. He cranked up the piano once more,
• 5:19:26
  and I legged it for the open. I strolled out on the beach
• 5:19:30
  and began to think this thing over. I would have liked to consult Jeeves,
• 5:19:34
  of course, but Jeeves had disappeared for the morning. There was no
• 5:19:38
  doubt that it was hopeless expecting Freddy to do anything for himself in this crisis.
• 5:19:44
  I'm not saying that dear old Freddy hasn't got his strong qualities. He
• 5:19:48
  is good at polo, and I've heard him spoken of as a coming man
• 5:19:52
  at snookerpool. But apart from this, you couldn't call him a man of
• 5:19:56
  enterprise. Well, I was rounding some rocks, thinking pretty tensely when I
• 5:20:02
  caught sight of a blue dress and there was the girl in person. I
• 5:20:07
  had never met her, but Freddie had sixteen photographs of her sprinkled round his
• 5:20:11
  bedroom, and I knew I couldn't be mistaken. She was sitting on the
• 5:20:15
  sand, helping a small fat child to build a castle. On a chair.
• 5:20:21
  Close by was an elderly female reading a novel. I heard the girl
• 5:20:26
  call her aunt, so getting the reasoning faculties to work, I deduced that
• 5:20:30
  the fat child must be her cousin. It struck me that if Freddy had
• 5:20:36
  been there, he would probably have tried to work up some sentiment about the
• 5:20:38
  kid. On the strength of it, I couldn't manage this. I don't
• 5:20:42
  think I ever saw a kid who made me feel less sentimental. He was
• 5:20:47
  one of those round, bulging kids. After he had finished his castle,
• 5:20:52
  he seemed to get bored with life and began to cry. The girl,
• 5:20:56
  who seemed to read him like a book, took him off to where a
• 5:21:00
  fellow was selling sweets at a stall, and I walked on. Now.
• 5:21:06
  Now, those who know me, if you ask them, will tell you
• 5:21:08
  that I'm a chump. My aunt Agatha would testify to this effect, so
• 5:21:12
  would my uncle Percy, and many more of my nearest. And if you
• 5:21:17
  like to use the expression dearest, well, I don't mind. I admit
• 5:21:22
  it. I am a chump. But what I do say, and I
• 5:21:26
  should like to lay the greatest possible stress on this, is that every now
• 5:21:30
  and then, just when the populace has given up hope that I will ever
• 5:21:34
  show any real human intelligence, I get what it is idle to pretend is
• 5:21:40
  not an inspiration. And that's what happened. Now. I doubt if the
• 5:21:45
  idea that came to me at this juncture would have occurred to a single one
• 5:21:48
  of any of the largest brained blokes in history Napoleon might have got it,
• 5:21:53
  but I'll bet Darwin and Shakespeare and Thomas Hardy wouldn't have thought of it in
• 5:21:56
  a thousand years. It came to me on my return journey. I was
• 5:22:03
  walking back along the shore, exercising the old bean fiercely when I saw the
• 5:22:07
  fat child meditatively smacking a jellyfish with a spade. The girl wasn't with him,
• 5:22:14
  the aunt wasn't with him. In fact, there wasn't anybody else in
• 5:22:17
  sight, and the solution of the whole trouble between Freddy and his Elizabeth suddenly
• 5:22:22
  came to me in a flash. From what I had seen of the two,
• 5:22:26
  the girl was evidently fond of this kid, and anyhow he was her
• 5:22:30
  cousin. So what I said to myself was this, if I kidnap this
• 5:22:36
  young heavyweight for a brief space of time, and if when the girl has
• 5:22:40
  got frightfully anxious about where he can have got to, dear old Freddie suddenly
• 5:22:45
  appears, leading the infant by the hand and telling a story to the effect
• 5:22:49
  that he found him wandering at large about the country and practically saved his life.
• 5:22:55
  The girl's gratitude is bound to make her chuck hostilities and be friends again.
• 5:23:00
  So I gathered up the kid and made off with him. Freddy,
• 5:23:03
  dear old Chap was rather slow at first in getting on to the fine points
• 5:23:07
  of the idea. When I appeared at the cottage carrying the child and dumped
• 5:23:12
  him down in the sitting room, he showed no joy whatever. The child
• 5:23:17
  had started to bellow by this time, not thinking much of the thing,
• 5:23:21
  and Freddy seemed to find it rather trying. What the devil's all this?
• 5:23:26
  He asked, regarding the little visitor with a good deal of loathing. The
• 5:23:30
  kid loosed off a yell that made the windows rattle, and I saw that
• 5:23:34
  this was a time for strategy. I raced to the kitchen and fetched a
• 5:23:38
  pot of honey. It was the right idea. The kid stopped bellowing and
• 5:23:44
  began to smear his face with the stuff. Well, said Freddy. When
• 5:23:48
  silence had set in, I explained the scheme. After a while it began
• 5:23:56
  to strike him. The careworn look faded from his face, and for the
• 5:24:00
  first time since his arrival at Marvis Bay, he smiled almost happily. There's
• 5:24:06
  something in this, Bertie, it's the goods. I think it will work,
• 5:24:11
  said Freddy, and disentangling the child from the honey, he led him
• 5:24:15
  out. I expect Elizabeth will be on the beach somewhere, he said,
• 5:24:22
  what you might call a quiet happiness suffused me. If that's the word I
• 5:24:26
  want. I was very fond of old Freddy, and it was jolly to
• 5:24:29
  think that he was shortly about to click once more. I was leaning back
• 5:24:33
  in a chair on the verandah, smoking a peaceful cigarette when down the road
• 5:24:37
  I saw the old boy returning, and by George, the kid was still
• 5:24:41
  with him. Hullo, I said, couldn't you find her? I then
• 5:24:48
  perceived that Freddy was looking as if he had been kicked in the stomach.
• 5:24:52
  Yes, I found her, he replied, with one of those bitter,
• 5:24:55
  mirthless laughs. You read about well. Then he sank into a chair and
• 5:25:02
  groaned, this isn't her cousin, you idiot. He's no relation at all,
• 5:25:07
  just a kid she met on the beach. She had never seen him
• 5:25:11
  before in her life, but she was helping him build a sand castle.
• 5:25:17
  I don't care. He's a perfect stranger. It seemed to me that if
• 5:25:22
  the modern girl goes about building sand castles with kids she has only known for
• 5:25:26
  five minutes, and probably without a proper introduction at that. Then all that
• 5:25:32
  has been written about her is perfectly true. Brazen is the word that seems
• 5:25:36
  to meet the case. I said as much to Freddy, but he wasn't
• 5:25:40
  listening. Well who is this ghastly child? Then I said, I don't
• 5:25:45
  know. Oh lord, I've had a time. Thank goodness, you will
• 5:25:49
  probably spend the next few years of your life in Dartmoor for kidnapping. That's
• 5:25:53
  my only consolation. I'll come and jeer at you through the bars on visiting
• 5:25:57
  days. Tell me all, old man, I said. He told me
• 5:26:03
  all. It took him a good long time to do it, for he
• 5:26:06
  broke off in the middle of nearly every sentence to call me names. But
• 5:26:08
  I gradually gathered what had happened. The girl Elizabeth had listened like an iceberg
• 5:26:15
  while he worked off the story he had prepared. And then well, she
• 5:26:19
  didn't actually call him a liar in so many words, but she gave him
• 5:26:23
  to understand in a general sort of way that he was a worm and an
• 5:26:26
  outcast. And then he crawled off with the kid licked to a splinter and
• 5:26:33
  mind he concluded, this is your affair. I'm not mixed up in it
• 5:26:37
  at all. If you want to escape your sentence, or anyway get a
• 5:26:41
  portion of it remitted, you better go and find the child's parents and return
• 5:26:45
  him before the police come for you. Who are is parents? I don't
• 5:26:51
  know where do they live? I don't know. The kid didn't seem to
• 5:26:56
  know either, A thoroughly vapid and uninformed infant. I got out of him
• 5:27:03
  the fact that he had a father, but that was as far as he
• 5:27:06
  went. It didn't seem ever to have occurred to him chatting of an evening
• 5:27:11
  with the old man to ask him his name and address. So after a
• 5:27:15
  wasted ten minutes out we went into the great world, more or less what
• 5:27:18
  you might call at random. I give you my word that until I started
• 5:27:23
  to tramp the place with this child, I never had a notion that it
• 5:27:27
  was such a difficult job restoring a son to his parents. How kidnappers ever
• 5:27:32
  get caught as a mystery to me. I searched Marvis Bay like a bloodhound,
• 5:27:37
  but nobody came forward to claim the infant. You would have thought,
• 5:27:41
  from the lack of interest in him, that he was stopping there all by
• 5:27:45
  himself. In a cottage of his own. It wasn't till by another inspiration
• 5:27:49
  I thought to ask the sweet stall man that I got on the track.
• 5:27:53
  The sweet stall man, who seemed to have seen a lot of him,
• 5:27:56
  said that the child's name was Kegworthy and that his parents lived at a place
• 5:28:00
  called Ocean Rest. It then remained to find Ocean Rest, and eventually,
• 5:28:07
  after visiting Ocean View, Ocean Prospect, Ocean Breeze, Ocean Cottage, Ocean
• 5:28:12
  Bungalow, Ocean Nook, and Ocean Homestead, I trailed it down. I
• 5:28:18
  knocked at the door. Nobody answered. I knocked again. I could hear
• 5:28:25
  movements inside, but nobody appeared. I was just going to get to work
• 5:28:30
  with that knocker in such a way that it would filter through these people's heads
• 5:28:33
  that I wasn't standing there just for the fun of the thing. When a
• 5:28:36
  voice from somewhere above shouted Hi. I looked up and saw a round,
• 5:28:41
  pink face with gray whiskers east and west of it, staring down at me
• 5:28:45
  from an upper window. Hi, it shouted again. You can't come in.
• 5:28:52
  I don't want to come in because, oh is that Toodles. My
• 5:28:57
  name is not Toodles. Are you Kegworthy. I've brought back your son.
• 5:29:03
  I see him. Peep botootles, Dad, I can see you. The
• 5:29:07
  face disappeared with a jerk. I could hear voices. The face reappeared.
• 5:29:14
  Hi. I churned the gravel madly. This blighter was giving me the pip.
• 5:29:21
  Do you live here? I asked the face. I have taken a
• 5:29:25
  cottage here for a few weeks. What's your name Wooster? Fancy that?
• 5:29:32
  Do you spell it wo r c e s t e r or woo st
• 5:29:38
  e r woo? I ask, because I once knew a miss Wooster spelled
• 5:29:45
  wo I had had about enough of this spelling bee. Will you open the
• 5:29:49
  door and take this child in? I mustn't open the door. This miss
• 5:29:55
  Wooster that I knew married a man named Spencer. Was she any relation she
• 5:30:00
  is my aunt Agatha? I replied, And I spoke with a good deal
• 5:30:03
  of bitterness, trying to suggest by my manner that he was exactly the sort
• 5:30:08
  of man, in my opinion, who would know my aunt Agatha. He
• 5:30:12
  beamed down at me. This is most fortunate. We were wondering what to
• 5:30:18
  do with tootles. You see, we have mumps here. My daughter Boodles
• 5:30:22
  has just developed mumps. Tootles must not be exposed to the risk of infection.
• 5:30:26
  We could not think what to do with him. It was most fortunate
• 5:30:30
  your finding the dear child. He strayed from his nurse. I would hesitate
• 5:30:34
  to trust him to a stranger, but you are different. Any nephew of
• 5:30:38
  Missus Spencer's has my complete confidence. You must take Tootles into your house.
• 5:30:44
  It will be an ideal arrangement. I have written to my brother in London
• 5:30:48
  to come and fetch him. He may be here in a few days.
• 5:30:52
  May He is a busy man, of course, but he should certainly be
• 5:30:56
  here within a week. Till then Tootles can stop with you. It is
• 5:31:02
  an excellent planned very much obliged to you. Your wife will like Tootles.
• 5:31:07
  I haven't got a wife, I yelled. But the window had closed with
• 5:31:11
  a bang, as if the man with the whiskers had found a germ trying
• 5:31:15
  to escape and had headed it off just in time. I breathed a deep
• 5:31:21
  breath and wiped the old forehead. The window flew up again. Hi,
• 5:31:27
  A package weighing about a ton hit me on the head and burst like a
• 5:31:30
  bomb. Did you catch it, said, the face reappearing. Dear me,
• 5:31:36
  you missed it. Never mind, you can get it at the grocer's.
• 5:31:40
  Ask for Bailey's granulated breakfast chips toodles. Takes them for breakfast with a
• 5:31:45
  little milk, not cream milk. Be sure to get Bailey's. Yes.
• 5:31:51
  But the face disappeared and the window was banged down again. I lingered,
• 5:31:56
  awhile, but nothing else happened, So taking too by the hand, I
• 5:32:00
  walked slowly away, and as we turned up the road we met Freddy's Elizabeth.
• 5:32:07
  Well baby, she said, sighting the kid. So Daddy found you
• 5:32:11
  again, did he? Your little son and I made great friends on the
• 5:32:14
  beach this morning, she said to me. This was the limit, Coming
• 5:32:18
  on top of that interview with the whiskered lunatic. It so utterly unnerved me
• 5:32:23
  that she had nodded good bye and was half way down the road before I
• 5:32:27
  caught up with my breath enough to deny the charge of being the infant's father.
• 5:32:33
  I hadn't expected Freddy to sing with joy when he saw me looming up
• 5:32:37
  with the child complete, but I did think he might have showed a little
• 5:32:41
  more manly fortitude, a little more of the old British bulldog spirit. He
• 5:32:45
  leaped up when we came in, glared at the kid and clutched his head.
• 5:32:49
  He didn't speak for a long time, but to make up for it
• 5:32:53
  when he began, he did not leave off for a long time. Well,
• 5:32:59
  he said, when he had finished the body of his remarks, say
• 5:33:02
  something. Heaven's man, why don't you say something? If you'll give me
• 5:33:07
  a chance, I will, I said, and shot the bad news.
• 5:33:11
  What are you going to do about it? He asked, And it would
• 5:33:14
  be idle to deny that his manner was peevish. Well, what can we
• 5:33:18
  do about it? We? What do you mean we? I'm not going
• 5:33:23
  to spend my time taking turns as a nurse maid to this excrescence. I'm
• 5:33:29
  going back to London, Freddy, I cried, Freddy, old man.
• 5:33:33
  My voice shook. Would you desert a pal at a time like this?
• 5:33:37
  Yes? I would, Freddy, I said, You've got to stand by
• 5:33:41
  me. You must do You realize that this child has to be undressed and
• 5:33:48
  bathed and dressed again. You wouldn't leave me to do all that single handed.
• 5:33:55
  Jeeves can help you, no, sir, said Jeeves, who had
• 5:34:00
  just rolled in with lunch. I must, I fear, disassociate myself completely
• 5:34:04
  from this matter. He spoke, respectfully but firmly. I have had little
• 5:34:10
  or no experience with children. Now's the time to start, I urged.
• 5:34:15
  No, sir, I am sorry to say that I cannot involve myself in
• 5:34:21
  any way. Then you must stand by me, Freddy, I won't.
• 5:34:26
  You must reflect, old man, we have been pals for years. Your
• 5:34:32
  mother likes me, No, she doesn't. Well. Anyway, we were
• 5:34:37
  at school together, and you owe me a tenor Oh well, he said
• 5:34:41
  in a resigned sort of voice. Besides, old thing, I did it
• 5:34:45
  all for your sake, you know. He looked at me in a curious
• 5:34:48
  way and breathed rather hard. For some moments. Bertie, he said,
• 5:34:55
  one moment, I will stand a good deal, but I will not stand
• 5:34:59
  being ex to be grateful. Looking back at it, I can see that
• 5:35:04
  what saved me from Colney Hatch in this crisis was my bright idea in buying
• 5:35:08
  up most of the contents of the local sweet shop. By serving out sweets
• 5:35:14
  to the kid practically incessantly, we managed to get through the rest of that
• 5:35:18
  day pretty satisfactorily. At eight o'clock he fell asleep in a chair, and
• 5:35:22
  having undressed him by unbuttoning every button in sight, and where there were no
• 5:35:26
  buttons, pulling till something gave, we carried him up to bed. Freddie
• 5:35:33
  stood looking at the pile of clothes on the floor with a sort of care
• 5:35:36
  worn wrinkle between his eyes, and I knew what he was thinking. To
• 5:35:41
  get the kid undressed had been simple, a mere matter of muscle. But
• 5:35:45
  how were we going to get him into his clothes again? I stirred the
• 5:35:49
  heap with my foot. There was a long linen arrangement which might have been
• 5:35:55
  anything. Also a strip of pink flannel, which was like nothing on earth,
• 5:36:00
  all most unpleasant. But in the morning I remembered that there were children
• 5:36:04
  in the next bungalow but one, and I went there before breakfast and borrowed
• 5:36:08
  their nurse. Women are wonderful, by Jove, they are. This nurse
• 5:36:14
  had all the spare parts assembled and in the right places in about eight minutes,
• 5:36:18
  and there was the kid, dressed and looking fit to go to a
• 5:36:21
  garden party at Buckingham Palace. I showered wealth upon her, and she promised
• 5:36:26
  to come in the morning. And evening I sat down to breakfast almost cheerful
• 5:36:30
  again. It was the first bit of silver lining that had presented itself to
• 5:36:34
  date. And after all, I said, there's lots to be argued in
• 5:36:38
  favor of having a child about the place, if you know what I mean,
• 5:36:42
  kind of cozy and domestic. What just then the kid upset the milk
• 5:36:48
  over Freddy's trousers, and when he had come back after changing he lacked sparkle.
• 5:36:53
  It was shortly after breakfast that Jeeves asked if he could have a word
• 5:36:57
  in my ear. Now. Though in the anguish of recent events, I
• 5:37:03
  had rather tended to forget what had been the original idea in bringing Freddy down
• 5:37:07
  to this place, I hadn't forgotten it altogether, and I'm bound to say
• 5:37:11
  that as the days went by I had found myself a little disappointed in Jeeves.
• 5:37:17
  The scheme had been, if you recall, that he should refresh himself
• 5:37:19
  with sea air and simple food, and having thus got his brain into prime
• 5:37:25
  working order, evolved some means of bringing Freddy and his Elizabeth together again.
• 5:37:30
  And what had happened. The man had eaten well, and he had slept
• 5:37:33
  well, but not a step did he appear to have taken towards bringing about
• 5:37:37
  the happy ending. The only move that had been made in that direction had
• 5:37:41
  been made by me alone and unaided. And though I freely admit that it
• 5:37:48
  had turned out a good deal of a bloomer, still the fact remains that
• 5:37:52
  I had shown zeal and enterprise. Consequently, I received him with a bit
• 5:37:56
  of hauteur when he blew in slightly cold, a trifle frosty. Yes,
• 5:38:03
  Jeeves, I said, you wish to speak to me? Yes, sir,
• 5:38:07
  say on Jeeves, I said, thank you, sir. What I
• 5:38:11
  desired to say, sir, was this. I attended a performance at the
• 5:38:15
  local cinema last night. I raised the eyebrows. I was surprised at the
• 5:38:21
  man with life in the home so frightfully tense, and the young master up
• 5:38:26
  against it to such a fearful extent. I disapproved of him coming toddling in
• 5:38:30
  and prattling about his amusements. I hope you enjoyed yourself, I said,
• 5:38:36
  in rather a nasty manner, Thank you, sir. The management was presenting
• 5:38:41
  a super superfilm in seven reels, dealing with life in the wilder and more
• 5:38:47
  feverish strata of New York society, featuring Bertha Blevitch, Orlando Murphy and Baby
• 5:38:53
  Bobby. I found it most entertaining, sir. That's good, I said,
• 5:39:00
  And if you have a nice time this morning on the sands with your
• 5:39:03
  spade and bucket, you will come and tell me all about it, won't
• 5:39:06
  you. I have so little on my mind just now that it's a treat
• 5:39:08
  to hear all about your happy holiday. Satirical if you see what I meant,
• 5:39:15
  sarcastic, almost bitter as a matter of fact, if you come right
• 5:39:18
  down to it. The title of the film was Tiny Hands, sir,
• 5:39:23
  and the father and mother of the character played by Baby Bobby had unfortunately drifted
• 5:39:29
  apart. Too bad, I said, although at heart they loved each other
• 5:39:34
  still, sir, did they really? I'm glad you told me that.
• 5:39:40
  And so matters went on, sir, till came a day when jeeves,
• 5:39:45
  I said, fixing him with a dashed, unpleasant eye. What the dickens
• 5:39:49
  do you think you're talking about? Do you suppose that when this infernal child
• 5:39:55
  landed on me in the peace of the home, practically shattered into a million
• 5:39:57
  bits? I want to hear er. I beg your pardon, sir,
• 5:40:03
  I would not have mentioned this cinema performance, were it not for the fact
• 5:40:07
  that it gave me an idea, Sir, an idea, an idea that
• 5:40:11
  will I fancy, Sir, prove of value in straightening out the matrimonial future
• 5:40:18
  of mister Bullivant. To which end, if you recollect, sir, you
• 5:40:22
  desired me to, I snorted with remorse, Jeeves, I said, I
• 5:40:27
  wronged you, not at all, Sir, Yes I did. I wronged
• 5:40:33
  you. I had a notion that you had given yourself up entirely to the
• 5:40:37
  pleasures of the sea side and had chucked that business altogether. I might have
• 5:40:41
  known better. Tell me all, Jeeves. He bowed in a gratified manner.
• 5:40:47
  I beamed, And while we didn't actually fall on each other's necks,
• 5:40:52
  we gave each other to understand that all was well once more in this super
• 5:40:56
  superfilm tiny hands, Sir, said, Jeeves. The parents of the child
• 5:41:02
  had, as I say, drifted apart, drifted apart, I said,
• 5:41:06
  nodding, right. And then came a day, Sir, when their little
• 5:41:11
  child brought them together again. How if I remember rightly? Sir? He
• 5:41:17
  said, dadda, doesn't you love mummy no more? And then they exhibited
• 5:41:25
  a good deal of emotion there was what I believe is termed a cutback showing
• 5:41:30
  scenes from their courtship and early married life, and some glimpses of lovers through
• 5:41:36
  the ages, and the picture concluded with a close up of the pair in
• 5:41:40
  an embrace, with the child looking on with natural gratification, and an organ
• 5:41:45
  playing Hearts and Flowers in the distance. Proceed, Jeeves, I said,
• 5:41:49
  you interest me strangely. I begin to grasp the idea you mean. I
• 5:41:56
  mean, sir, that with this young gentleman on the premises, it might
• 5:42:00
  be possible to arrange a denoment of a somewhat similar nature in regard to mister
• 5:42:06
  Bullivant and Miss Vickers. Aren't you overlooking the fact that this kid is no
• 5:42:11
  relation of mister Bullivant or Miss Vickers. Even with that handicap, Sir,
• 5:42:17
  I fancy that good results might ensue. I think that if it were possible
• 5:42:22
  to bring mister Bullivant and Miss Vickers together for a short space of time in
• 5:42:26
  the presence of the child, Sir, and if the child were to say
• 5:42:30
  something of a touching nature. I follow you absolutely, Jeeves, I cried
• 5:42:36
  with enthusiasm. It's big. This is the way I see it. We
• 5:42:40
  lay the scene in this room, child center girl Elsie Freddy upstage playing the
• 5:42:48
  piano. No, that won't do. He can only play a little bit
• 5:42:51
  of the rosary with one finger, so we'll have to cut out the soft
• 5:42:53
  music. But the rest's all right. Look here I said. This ink
• 5:42:59
  pot is Miss Vickers. This mug with a present from Marvis bay One is
• 5:43:03
  the child. This penwiper is mister Bullivant. Start with dialog leading up to
• 5:43:08
  the child's line. Child speaks line. Let us say, boofer lady does
• 5:43:15
  who love dadda? Business of outstretched hands? Hold picture for a moment.
• 5:43:22
  Freddy Cross's left takes girl's hand, business of swallowing, lump and throat.
• 5:43:27
  Then big speech, Ah, Elizabeth, has not this misunderstanding of ours gone
• 5:43:33
  on too long? See a little child rebukes us, and so on.
• 5:43:38
  I'm just giving you the general outline. Freddy must work up his own part,
• 5:43:42
  and we must get a good line for the child. Boofer Lady doesn't
• 5:43:47
  Ooh love dadda isn't definite enough. We want something more. If I might
• 5:43:52
  make a suggestion, sir, yes, I would advocate the words kiss Freddy.
• 5:44:00
  It is short, readily memorized, and has what I believe is technically
• 5:44:04
  termed the punch genius. Jeeves, thank you very much, sir, kiss
• 5:44:11
  Freddy it is then, But I say, Jeeves, how the deucer?
• 5:44:17
  We to get them together? In here? Miss Vigers cuts mister Bullivant.
• 5:44:21
  She wouldn't come within a mile of him. It is awkward, sir.
• 5:44:26
  It doesn't matter. We shall have to make it an exterior set instead of
• 5:44:30
  an interior. We can easily corner her on the beach somewhere when we're ready.
• 5:44:34
  Meanwhile, we must get the kid word perfect, yes, sir,
• 5:44:40
  right, first rehearsal for lines in Business at eleven sharp tomorrow morning. Poor
• 5:44:45
  old Freddy was in such a gloomy frame of mind that I decided not to
• 5:44:48
  tell him the idea till we had finished coaching the child. He wasn't in
• 5:44:52
  the mood to have a thing like that hanging over him, so we concentrated
• 5:44:56
  on Toodles, and pretty early in the proceedings we saw that the only way
• 5:45:02
  to get Tootles worked up to the spirit of the thing was to introduce suitets
• 5:45:04
  of some sort as a sub motive, so to speak. The chief difficulty,
• 5:45:10
  Sir, said Jeeves. At the end of The first rehearsal is as
• 5:45:14
  I envisage it, to establish in the young gentleman's mind a connection between the
• 5:45:18
  words we desire him to say and the refreshment. Exactly, I said,
• 5:45:25
  Once the blighter has grasped the basic fact that these two words, clearly spoken
• 5:45:30
  result automatically in chocolate nougat, we have got a success. I've often thought
• 5:45:34
  how interesting it must be to be one of those animal trainer blokes, to
• 5:45:40
  stimulate the dawning intelligence and all that. Well, this was every bit as
• 5:45:45
  exciting. Some day's success seemed to be staring us in the eyeball. And
• 5:45:48
  the kid got out the line as if he had been an old professional,
• 5:45:52
  And then he would go all to pieces again, and time was flying.
• 5:45:57
  We must hurry up, jeeves, I said. The kid's uncle may arrive
• 5:46:00
  any day now and take him away, exactly, sir, And we have
• 5:46:06
  no understudy. Very true, sir, We must work. I must say
• 5:46:11
  this child is a bit discouraging at times. I should have thought a deaf
• 5:46:15
  mute would have learned his part by now. I will say this for the
• 5:46:19
  kid, though he was a trier. Failure didn't damp him. Whenever there
• 5:46:25
  was any kind of sweet insight. He had a dash at his line,
• 5:46:27
  and he kept saying something till he got what he was after. His chief
• 5:46:33
  fault was his uncertainty. Personally, I would have been prepared to risk opening
• 5:46:38
  in the act and was ready to start the public performance at the first opportunity,
• 5:46:42
  but Jeeves said no, I would not advocate undue haste. Sir,
• 5:46:48
  he said, as long as the young gentleman's memory refuses to act with any
• 5:46:53
  certainty, we are running grave risks of failure to day if you recollect sir,
• 5:47:00
  he said, Kick Freddy, that is not a speech to win a
• 5:47:04
  young lady's heart, Sir. No, and she might do it too.
• 5:47:11
  You're right we must postpone production, but by Jove we didn't. The curtain
• 5:47:17
  went up the very next afternoon. It was nobody's fault, certainly not mine.
• 5:47:23
  It was just fate. Jeeves was out and I was alone in the
• 5:47:27
  house with Freddy and the child. Freddy had just settled down at the piano,
• 5:47:33
  and I was leading the kid out of the place for a bit of
• 5:47:34
  exercise, when just as we'd got on to the verandah, along came the
• 5:47:40
  girl Elizabeth, on her way to the beach. And at the sight of
• 5:47:44
  her, the kid set up a matey yell, and she stopped at the
• 5:47:48
  foot of the steps. Hello baby, she said, good morning. She
• 5:47:52
  said to me, may I come up? She didn't wait for an answer,
• 5:47:56
  She just hopped onto the verandah. She seem to be that sort of
• 5:48:00
  girl. She started fussing over the child, and six feet away, mind
• 5:48:06
  you Freddy smiting the piano in the sitting room. It was a dashed,
• 5:48:10
  disturbing situation, take it from Bertram. At any minute Freddy might take it
• 5:48:15
  into his head to come out on the verandah. And I hadn't even begun
• 5:48:18
  to rehearse him in his part. I tried to break up the scene.
• 5:48:23
  We were just going down to the beach, I said, yes, said
• 5:48:27
  the girl. She listened for a moment. So you're having your piano tuned,
• 5:48:32
  she said, My aunt has been trying to find a tune of for
• 5:48:36
  hours. Do you mind if I go in and tell this man to come
• 5:48:38
  on to us when he has finished here, I mopped the brow er.
• 5:48:44
  I shouldn't go in just now, I said, not just now while he's
• 5:48:48
  working. If you don't mind, these fellows can't bear to be disturbed.
• 5:48:51
  When there. It worked. It's the artistic temperament. I'll tell him later
• 5:48:56
  very well, ask him to call it Pine Bungalow. Vickers is the name.
• 5:49:02
  Oh, he seems to have stopped. I suppose he will be out
• 5:49:04
  in a minute now, I'll wait, don't you think shouldn't you be getting
• 5:49:10
  onto the beach, I said. She had started talking to the kid and
• 5:49:14
  didn't hear. She was feeling in her bag for something the beach, I
• 5:49:18
  babbled. See what I've got for you, baby, said the girl.
• 5:49:22
  I thought I might meet you somewhere, so I bought some of your favorite
• 5:49:26
  sweets. And by jove, she held up in front of the kid's bulging
• 5:49:33
  eyes a chunk of toffee about the size of the Albert Memorial. That finished
• 5:49:38
  it. We had just been having a long rehearsal and the kid was all
• 5:49:42
  worked up in his part. He got it right first time. Kiss Freddy,
• 5:49:48
  he shouted, and the French windows opened, and Freddy came out on
• 5:49:53
  to the verandah for all the world as if he had been taking a cue.
• 5:49:59
  Kiss Fweddy, shrieked the child. Freddy looked at the girl, and
• 5:50:04
  the girl looked at him. I looked at the ground, and the kid
• 5:50:07
  looked at the toffee. Kiss fwetdy, he yelled, kiss fwetty. What
• 5:50:14
  does this mean? Said the girl, turning on me. You'd better give
• 5:50:18
  it him, I said, He'll go on till you do. You know.
• 5:50:22
  She gave the kid the toffee and he subsided. Freddy poor ass still
• 5:50:27
  stood there, gaping without a word. What does it mean? Said the
• 5:50:33
  girl again. Her face was pink and her eyes were sparkling in the sort
• 5:50:37
  of way. Don't you know that makes a fellow feel as if he hadn't
• 5:50:41
  any bones in him, if you know what I mean? Yes, Bertram
• 5:50:45
  felt fillayed, did you ever tread on your partner's dress at a dance?
• 5:50:49
  I'm speaking now of the days when women wore dresses long enough to be trodden
• 5:50:53
  on and hear it rip, and see her smile at you like an angel,
• 5:50:57
  and say, please, don't apologize, it's nothing, And then suddenly
• 5:51:03
  you meet her clear blue eyes and feel as if you had stepped on the
• 5:51:07
  teeth of a rake and had the handle jump up and hit you in the
• 5:51:10
  face. Well that's how Freddy's Elizabeth looked well, she said, and her
• 5:51:17
  teeth gave a little click. I gulped. Then I said it was nothing.
• 5:51:23
  Then I said it was nothing much. Then I said, oh well,
• 5:51:29
  it was this way, and I told her all about it, And
• 5:51:33
  all the while idiot Freddy stood there gaping without a word, not one solitary
• 5:51:38
  yip had he led out of himself from the start. And the girl didn't
• 5:51:42
  speak either, She just stood listening. And then she began to laugh.
• 5:51:49
  I never heard a girl laugh so much. She leaned against the side of
• 5:51:55
  the verandah and shrieked. And all the while Freddy, the world's champion dumb
• 5:52:00
  brick, standing there saying nothing. Well, I finished my story and I
• 5:52:07
  sidled to the steps. I had said all I had to say, And
• 5:52:11
  it seemed to me that about here the stage direction exit cautiously was written in
• 5:52:15
  my part. I gave poor old Freddy up in despair. If only he
• 5:52:21
  had said a word, it might have been all right. But there he
• 5:52:23
  stood speechless. Just out of sight of the house, I met Jeeves,
• 5:52:29
  returning from his stroll. Jeeves, I said, all is over. The
• 5:52:33
  thing's finished. Poor dear old Freddy has made a complete ass of himself and
• 5:52:37
  killed the whole show. Indeed, Sir, what has actually happened. I
• 5:52:45
  told him. He fluffed in his lines, I concluded, just stood there
• 5:52:48
  saying nothing. When if ever there was a time for eloquence, this was
• 5:52:52
  it. He Great Scott. Look. We had come back within view of
• 5:52:59
  the cottage, and there in front of it stood six children, a nurse,
• 5:53:03
  two loafers, another nurse, and the fellow from the grocer's. They
• 5:53:08
  were all staring down the road. Came galloping five more children, a dog,
• 5:53:15
  three men and a boy, all about to stare, and on our
• 5:53:18
  porch, as unconscious of the spectators, as if they had been alone in
• 5:53:22
  the sahara, stood Freddy and his Elizabeth, clasped in each other's arms.
• 5:53:29
  Great Scott, I said, it would appear, Sir, said Jeeves,
• 5:53:33
  that everything has concluded most satisfactorily. After all. Yes, dear old Freddy
• 5:53:41
  may have been fluffy in his lines, I said, but his business certainly
• 5:53:45
  seems to have gone with a bang. Very true, sir, said Jeeves,
• 5:53:51
  clustering round young Bingo. I blotted the last page of my manuscript and
• 5:53:55
  sank back, feeling more or less of a spent force, often acredible sweat
• 5:54:00
  of the old brow. The things seemed to be in pretty fair shape,
• 5:54:03
  and I was just reading it through and debating whether to bung in another paragraph
• 5:54:07
  at the end, when there was a tap at the door and Jeeves appeared
• 5:54:11
  Missus Travis, Sir on the telephone. Oh, I said, preoccupied,
• 5:54:17
  don't you know? Yes, sir, she presents her compliments and would be
• 5:54:21
  glad to know what progress you've made with the article which you are writing for
• 5:54:23
  her. Jeeves, can I mention men's knee length underclothing in a woman's paper?
• 5:54:30
  No, sir, Then tell her it's finished. Very good, sir,
• 5:54:37
  And Jeeves, when you're through, come back. I want you to
• 5:54:40
  cast your eye over this effort and give it the okay. My aunt Dahlia,
• 5:54:44
  who runs a woman's paper called Milady's Boudoir, had recently backed me into
• 5:54:48
  a corner and made me promise to write her a few authoritative words for her
• 5:54:52
  husband and brother's page on what the well dressed man is wearing. I believe
• 5:54:56
  in encouraging aunts when deserving, and as there are many worse eggs than her
• 5:55:02
  knocking about them at rop I had consented blithely. But I give you my
• 5:55:06
  honest word that if I'd had the foggiest notion of what I was letting myself
• 5:55:10
  in, for not even a nephew's devotion would have kept me from giving her
• 5:55:14
  the raspberry. A deuce of a job. It had been taxing the physique
• 5:55:18
  to the utmost. I don't wonder now that all these author blokes have bald
• 5:55:22
  heads and faces like birds who have suffered. Jeeves, I said, when
• 5:55:27
  he came back. You don't read a paper called Milady's Boudoir by any chance,
• 5:55:32
  do you? No, sir, the periodical has not come to my
• 5:55:37
  notice. Well spring sixpence on it next week, because this article will appear
• 5:55:41
  in it. Wooster on the well dressed man, don't you know? Indeed,
• 5:55:45
  sir, Yes, indeed, Jeeves, I've rather extended myself over this
• 5:55:51
  little bijou. There's a bit about socks that I think you will like.
• 5:55:56
  He took the manuscript, brooded over it, and smiled a gentle, approving
• 5:56:00
  smile. The sock passage is quite in the proper vein, sir, he
• 5:56:06
  said, well expressed, what extremely, sir. I watched him narrowly as
• 5:56:12
  he read on, and as I was expecting what you might call the love
• 5:56:17
  light suddenly died out of his eyes. I braced myself for an unpleasant scene.
• 5:56:23
  Come to the bit about soft silk shirts for evening wear, I asked,
• 5:56:27
  carelessly, Yes, sir, said Jeeves, in a low, cold
• 5:56:33
  voice, as if he'd been bitten in the leg by a personal friend.
• 5:56:37
  And if I may be pardoned for saying so, you don't like it,
• 5:56:42
  no, sir, I do not. Soft silk shirts with evening costume are
• 5:56:48
  not worn, Sir, Jeeves, I said, looking the blighter diametrically in
• 5:56:53
  the center of the eyeball. They dashed well going to be. I may
• 5:56:59
  as well tell you now that I've ordered a dozen of those shirtings from Peabody
• 5:57:02
  and Sims. And it's no good looking like that, because I am jolly
• 5:57:06
  well adamant. If I might, no, Jeeves, I said, raising
• 5:57:11
  my hand. Argument is useless. Nobody has a greater respect than I have
• 5:57:17
  for your judgment in socks, in ties, and I will go farther in
• 5:57:22
  spats. But when it comes to evening shirts, your nerve seems to fail
• 5:57:26
  you. You have no vision, You are prejudiced and reactionary. Hyde bound
• 5:57:33
  is the word that suggests itself. It may interest you to learn that when
• 5:57:37
  I was at l Toouque, the Prince of Wales buzzed into the casino one
• 5:57:41
  night with soft silk shirt complete his Royal Highness, Sir, may permit himself
• 5:57:48
  a certain license, which in your own case, no, Jeeves, I
• 5:57:52
  said, firmly. It's no use when we worsteras are adamant, we are
• 5:57:57
  well adamant, if you know what I mean. Very good, sir.
• 5:58:03
  I could see the man was wounded, and of course the whole episode has
• 5:58:07
  been extremely jarring and unpleasant. But these things have to be gone through.
• 5:58:11
  Is one a surf or isn't one? That's what it all boils down to.
• 5:58:17
  Having made my point, I changed the subject. Well, that's that,
• 5:58:21
  I said, We now approach another topic. Do you know any housemaids?
• 5:58:25
  Jeeves, housemaids, Sir, come, come, Jeeves, you know
• 5:58:30
  what housemaids are? Are you requiring a housemaid? Sir? No? But
• 5:58:36
  mister Little is I met him at the club a couple of days ago,
• 5:58:38
  and he told me that missus Little is offering rich rewards to anybody who'll find
• 5:58:44
  her one guaranteed to go light on the China. Indeed, sir, yes,
• 5:58:49
  the one now in office apparently runs through the Obreid Art like a typhoon
• 5:58:53
  Simoom or Soroco. So if you know any I know a great man,
• 5:59:00
  sir, some intimately others mere acquaintances. Well start digging round among the old
• 5:59:07
  pals. And now the hat, the stick and the other necessaries I must
• 5:59:11
  be getting along and handing in this article. The offices of Milady's boudoir were
• 5:59:18
  in one of those rummy streets in the Covent Garden neighborhood, and I had
• 5:59:22
  just got to the door after wading through a deep top dressing of old cabbages
• 5:59:26
  and tomatoes, when who should come out but missus little She greeted me with
• 5:59:32
  the warmth due to the old family friend, in spite of the fact that
• 5:59:34
  I hadn't been round to the house for a goodish while. Whatever are you
• 5:59:40
  doing in these parts, Bertie? I thought you never came east of Leicester
• 5:59:45
  Square. I've come to deliver an article of sorts which my aunt Dahlia asked
• 5:59:49
  me to write. She edits a species of journal up those stairs Milady's boudoir.
• 5:59:56
  What a coincidence. I have just promised to write an article for her
• 6:00:00
  too. Don't you do it? I said, earnestly. You've simply no
• 6:00:06
  notion. What a ghastly labor. Oh, but of course I was forgetting
• 6:00:11
  You're used to it. What silly of me to have talked like that.
• 6:00:17
  Young Bingolittle, if you remember, had married the famous female novelist rosy M
• 6:00:22
  Banks, author of some of the most pronounced and widely read tripe ever put
• 6:00:26
  on the market. Naturally a mere article would be pie for her. No,
• 6:00:33
  I don't think it will give me much trouble, she said. Your
• 6:00:37
  aunt has suggested a most delightful subject. That's good. By the way,
• 6:00:44
  I spoke to my man Jeeves about getting you a housemaid. He knows all
• 6:00:48
  the hummers. Thank you so much. Oh are you doing anything tomorrow night?
• 6:00:56
  Not a thing? Then, do come and dine with us. Your
• 6:01:00
  aunt is coming and hopes to bring your uncle. I am looking forward to
• 6:01:03
  meeting him. Thanks delighted, I mean it too. The Little Household may
• 6:01:11
  be week on housemaids, but it is right there when it comes to Cook's
• 6:01:15
  somewhere or other. Some time ago, Bingo's missus managed to dig up a
• 6:01:19
  Frenchman of the most extraordinary vim and skill, a most amazing Johnny who dishes
• 6:01:26
  a wicked ragout. Old Bingo has put on at least ten pounds in weight,
• 6:01:30
  since this fellow anatole arrived in the home at eight. Then right,
• 6:01:36
  thanks ever so much. She popped off, and I went upstairs to hand
• 6:01:40
  in my copy, as we boys of the press call it. I found
• 6:01:45
  Aunt Dahlia immersed to the gills in papers of old descriptions. I am not
• 6:01:51
  much of a lad for my relatives as a general thing, but I've always
• 6:01:55
  been very pally with Aunt Dahlia. She married my uncle Thomas, between ourselves
• 6:02:00
  a bit of a squirt the year Blue Bottle won the Cambridgeshire and they hadn't
• 6:02:04
  got half way down the aisle before I was saying to myself that woman is
• 6:02:08
  much too good for the old bird. Aunt Dahlia is a large, genial
• 6:02:14
  soul, the sort you see in dozens on the hunting field. As a
• 6:02:18
  matter of fact, until she married Uncle Thomas, she put in most of
• 6:02:21
  her time on horseback, but he won't live in the country, so nowadays
• 6:02:25
  she expends her energy on this paper of hers. She came to the surface
• 6:02:30
  as I entered and flung a cheery look at my head, hullo, Bertie,
• 6:02:33
  I say, have you really finished that article? To the last comma?
• 6:02:40
  Good boy, my god, I'll bet it's brotten. On the contrary,
• 6:02:45
  it is extremely hot stuff, and most of it approved by Jeeves.
• 6:02:48
  What's more, the bit about soft silk shirts got in amongst him a trifle,
• 6:02:53
  but you can take it from me, Aunt Dahlia, that they are
• 6:02:56
  the latest yodel and will be much seen at first nights and other occasions where
• 6:03:02
  society assembles. Your man, Jeeves said Aunt Dahlia, flinging the article into
• 6:03:07
  a basket and skewing a few loose pieces of paper on a sort of meat
• 6:03:11
  hook. Here's a wash out, and you can turn him. I sat
• 6:03:15
  so oh, come, I said, he may not be sound on shirtings.
• 6:03:22
  I am not referring to that. As long as a week ago.
• 6:03:26
  I asked him to get me a cook and he hasn't found one yet.
• 6:03:30
  Great Scott is Jeeves a domestic employment agency. Missus Little wants him to find
• 6:03:36
  her a housemaid. I met her outside. She tells me she's doing something
• 6:03:41
  for you. Yes, thank goodness. I'm relying on it to bump the
• 6:03:45
  circulation up a bit. I can't read her stuff myself, but women love
• 6:03:52
  it. Her name on the cover will mean a lot, and we need
• 6:03:56
  it. Paper not doing well. It's doing all right, really, but
• 6:04:02
  it's got to be a slow job building up a circulation, I suppose,
• 6:04:07
  so I can get Tom to see that in his lucid moments, said Aunt
• 6:04:12
  Dahlia, scuring a few more papers. But just at present, the poor
• 6:04:17
  fathead has gone on one of his pessimistic spells. It's entirely due to that
• 6:04:22
  mechanic who calls herself a cook. A few more of her alleged dinners and
• 6:04:27
  Tom will refuse to go on paying the printer's bills. You don't mean that,
• 6:04:33
  I do mean it. There was what she called ri de vo la
• 6:04:40
  financier last night, which made him talk for three quarters of an hour about
• 6:04:45
  good money going to waste and nothing to show for it. I quite understood,
• 6:04:52
  and I was dashed sorry for her. My uncle Thomas is a coke
• 6:04:56
  who made a colossal pile of money out in the East, but in doing
• 6:04:59
  so put digestion on the blink. This has made him a tricky proposition to
• 6:05:03
  handle. Many a time I've lunched with him and found him perfectly chirpy up
• 6:05:07
  to the fish, only to have him turn blue on me well before the
• 6:05:11
  cheese. Who is that lad they used to try to make me read at
• 6:05:15
  Oxford ship Shop. Schopenhauer, that's the name a grouch of the most pronounced
• 6:05:22
  description. Well, Uncle Thomas, when his gastric juices have been giving him
• 6:05:26
  the elbow, can make Schopenhauer look like Pollyanna. And the worst of it
• 6:05:33
  is from Aunt Dahlia's point of view that on these occasions he always seems to
• 6:05:37
  think he's on the brink of Ruwin and wants to start to economize pretty tough.
• 6:05:42
  I said, well, anyway, he'll get one good dinner tomorrow night
• 6:05:45
  at the Littles. Can you guarantee that, Bertie asked Aunt Dahlia earnestly.
• 6:05:52
  I simply daren't risk unleashing him on anything at all, won key, They've
• 6:05:59
  got a marvel cook. I haven't been round there for some time, But
• 6:06:03
  unless he's lost his form of two months ago, Uncle Thomas is going to
• 6:06:07
  have the treat of a lifetime. It'll only make it worse for him.
• 6:06:11
  Coming back to our steak incinerator, said Aunt Dahlia, a bit on the
• 6:06:17
  Schopenhauer side herself. The little nest where Bingo and his bride had settled themselves
• 6:06:23
  was up in said John's Wood, one of those rather jolly houses with a
• 6:06:26
  bit of garden. When I got there on the following night, I found
• 6:06:30
  that I was the last to weigh in. Aunt Dahlia was chatting with Rosy
• 6:06:36
  in a corner, while Uncle Thomas, standing by the mantelpiece with Bingo,
• 6:06:40
  sucked down a cocktail in a frowning, suspicious sort of manner, rather like
• 6:06:44
  a chappie having a short snort before dining with the Borgier, as if he
• 6:06:48
  were saying to himself that even if this particular cocktail wasn't poisoned, he was
• 6:06:53
  bound to cop it later on. Well, I hadn't expected anything in the
• 6:06:59
  nature of beamings viv from Uncle Thomas, so I didn't pay much attention to
• 6:07:03
  him. What did surprise me was the extraordinary gloom of young Bingo. You
• 6:07:08
  may say what you like against Bingo, but nobody has ever found him a
• 6:07:12
  depressing host. Why many a time in the days of his bachelorhood, I
• 6:07:18
  have known him to start throwing bread before the soup course. Yet now he
• 6:07:22
  and Uncle Thomas were a pair. He looked haggard and careworn, like a
• 6:07:27
  Borgia who suddenly remembered that he's forgotten to shove cyanide in the consermee and the
• 6:07:33
  dinnergong do at any moment. And the mystery wasn't helped at all by the
• 6:07:37
  one remark he made to me before conversation became general. As he poured out
• 6:07:42
  my cocktail, he suddenly bent forward, Bertie. He whispered, in a
• 6:07:48
  nasty, feverish manner, I want to see you life and death matter be
• 6:07:53
  in tomorrow morning. That was all. Immediately after that, the starting gun
• 6:08:00
  went and we toddled down to the festive And from that moment, I'm bound
• 6:08:03
  to say, in the superior interests of the proceedings, he rather faded out
• 6:08:07
  of my mind. For good old Anatole, braced presumably by the fact of
• 6:08:12
  there being guests, had absolutely surpassed himself. I'm not a man who speaks
• 6:08:19
  hastily in these matters. I weigh my words, and I say again that
• 6:08:25
  Anatole had surpassed himself. It was as good a dinner as I have ever
• 6:08:30
  absorbed, and it revived Uncle Thomas like a watered flower. As we sat
• 6:08:36
  down, he was saying some things about the government which they wouldn't have cared
• 6:08:40
  to hear with the consume Pate de talis, he said, but what could
• 6:08:45
  you expect nowadays with the Popiete de la Sola la Princess. He admitted rather
• 6:08:49
  decently that the government couldn't be held responsible for the rotten weather anyway. And
• 6:08:56
  shortly after the Canton Aylesbury a la porche, he was practically giving the lads
• 6:09:00
  the benefit of his whole hearted support, and all the time young Bingo looking
• 6:09:07
  like an owl with a secret sorrow rummy. I thought about it a good
• 6:09:14
  deal as I walked home, and I was hoping he wouldn't roll round with
• 6:09:17
  his hard luck story too early in the morning. He had the air of
• 6:09:21
  one who intends to charge in. At about six thirty. Jeeves was waiting
• 6:09:26
  up for me when I got back. A pleasant dinner, sir, he
• 6:09:30
  said, magnificent Jeeves, I'm glad to hear that, sir. Mister George
• 6:09:37
  Travers rung up on the telephone shortly after you had left. He was extremely
• 6:09:41
  desirous that you should join him at Harrogate, Sir. He leaves for that
• 6:09:45
  town by an early train tomorrow. My uncle George is a festive old bird
• 6:09:52
  who has made a habit of years of doing himself a dash sight too well,
• 6:09:56
  with the result that he's always got Harrogate or Buxton hanging over like the
• 6:10:00
  sword of what's his name, and he hates going there alone. It can't
• 6:10:04
  be done, I said, Uncle George is bad enough in London, and
• 6:10:08
  I wasn't going to let myself be cooped up with him in one of these
• 6:10:11
  cure places. He was extremely urgent, Sir No, Jeeves, I said
• 6:10:18
  firmly. I'm always anxious to oblige, but Uncle George, no no.
• 6:10:22
  I mean to say what very good, sir, said Jeeves. It was
• 6:10:29
  a pleasure to hear the way he said it docile. The man was becoming
• 6:10:33
  absolutely docile. It just showed that I had been right in putting my foot
• 6:10:37
  down about those shirts. When Bingo showed up next morning, I had had
• 6:10:44
  breakfast and was all ready for him. Jeeves shot him into the presence,
• 6:10:48
  and he sat down on the bed. Good morning, Bertie, said young
• 6:10:52
  Bingo. Good morning, old thing, I replied, courteously. Don't go,
• 6:10:57
  Jeeves said young Bingle. Hollowly, wait, sir, remain stay cluster
• 6:11:06
  round. I shall need you very good. Sir Bingo at a cigarette and
• 6:11:11
  frowned bleakly at the wallpaper Bertie, he said, the most frightful calamity has
• 6:11:18
  occurred. Unless something is done, and done right speedily, my social prestige
• 6:11:23
  is doomed. My self respect will be obliterated, my name will be mud,
• 6:11:29
  and I should not dare to show my face in the West End of
• 6:11:32
  London again. My aunt, I cried, deeply impressed. Exactly, said
• 6:11:38
  young Bingo with a hollow laugh. You have put it in a nutshell.
• 6:11:44
  The whole trouble is due to your blasted aunt. Which blasted aunt? Specify
• 6:11:48
  old thing? I have so many missus travers, the one who runs that
• 6:11:55
  infernal paper. Oh no, dash it, old man, I protested,
• 6:12:00
  He's the only decent aunt I've got. Jeeves. You will bear me out
• 6:12:03
  in this Such has always been my impression. I must confess, sir.
• 6:12:08
  We'll get rid of it. Then, said young Bingo. The woman is
• 6:12:12
  a menace to society, a home wrecker and a pest. Do you know
• 6:12:17
  what she's done. She's got rosy to write an article for that rag of
• 6:12:22
  hers. I know that, yes, but you don't know what it's about.
• 6:12:27
  No. She only told me Aunt Dahlia had given her a splendid idea
• 6:12:32
  for the thing. It's about me, you, yes, me, me,
• 6:12:38
  And do you know what it's called. It is called how I keep
• 6:12:42
  the love of my husband baby? My what husband? Baby? What's a
• 6:12:51
  husband? Baby? I am, apparently, said young Bingo with much bitterness.
• 6:12:57
  I am also adding to this article a lot of other things which I
• 6:13:02
  have too much sense of decency to repeat even to an old friend. This
• 6:13:07
  beastly composition, in short, is one of those things they call human interest
• 6:13:12
  stories, one of those intimate revelations of married life over which the female public
• 6:13:18
  loves to gloat all about Rosie and me and what she does when I come
• 6:13:22
  home cross and so on. I tell you, Bertie, I am still
• 6:13:26
  blushing all over at the recollection of something she says in paragraph two what I
• 6:13:33
  decline to tell you, but you could take it from me that it's the
• 6:13:37
  edge. Nobody could be fonder of Rosie than I am. But dear sensible
• 6:13:44
  girl as she is in ordinary life, the moment she gets in front of
• 6:13:48
  a dictating machine, she becomes absolutely maudelin Bertie. That article must not appear,
• 6:13:55
  but if it does, I shall have to resign from my club's row.
• 6:14:00
  A beard and become a herbit, I shall not be able to face
• 6:14:03
  the world. Aren't you pitching it a bit strong, old lad, I
• 6:14:07
  said Jeeves. Don't you think he's pitching it a bit strong? Well,
• 6:14:12
  sir, I am pitching it, feebly, said young Bingo. Earnestly you
• 6:14:18
  haven't heard the thing I have. Rosy shoved the cylinder on the dictating machine
• 6:14:23
  last night before dinner, and it was grisly to hear the instrument croaking out
• 6:14:29
  those awful sentences. If that article appears, I shall be kidded to death
• 6:14:33
  by every pair I've got Bertie, he said, his voice sinking to a
• 6:14:40
  hoarse whisper. You have about as much imagination as a warthog, But surely
• 6:14:45
  even you can picture to yourself what Jimmy Bowles and Tuppy Roger's it to name.
• 6:14:52
  Only two will say when they see me refer to in print as half
• 6:14:56
  god, half prattling mischievous child. I jolly well could she doesn't say that,
• 6:15:03
  I gasped. She certainly does. And when I tell you that I
• 6:15:08
  selected that particular quotation because it's about the only one I can stand hearing spoken,
• 6:15:15
  you will realize what I'm up against. I picked up the coverlet.
• 6:15:21
  I had been a pall of Bingo's for many years, and we worcesters stand
• 6:15:25
  by our pals. Jeeves, I said, you have heard, Yes,
• 6:15:30
  sir, the position is serious, Yes, sir, we must cluster round,
• 6:15:40
  Yes, sir. Does er anything suggest itself to you? Yes,
• 6:15:45
  sir? What you don't really mean that, yes, Sir, Bingo,
• 6:15:52
  I said, the sun is still shining. Something suggests itself to Jeeves,
• 6:16:00
  Jeeves, said Young Bingo in a quivering voice. If you see me through
• 6:16:04
  this fearful crisis, ask me what you will, even unto half my kingdom.
• 6:16:11
  The matter, said, Jeeves fits in very nicely, sir, with
• 6:16:15
  another mission which was entrusted to me this morning. What do you mean?
• 6:16:22
  Missus? Travers rang me up on the telephone shortly before I brought you your
• 6:16:25
  tea, Sir, and was most urgent that I should endeavor to persuade mister
• 6:16:30
  Little's cook to leave mister Little's service and join her staff. It appears that
• 6:16:34
  mister Travers was fascinated by the man's ability, Sir, and talked far into
• 6:16:40
  the night of his astonishing gifts. Young Bingo uttered a frightful cry of agony.
• 6:16:47
  What is that that buzzard trying to pinch our cook. Yes, sir,
• 6:16:55
  after eating our bread and salt. Damn it, I fear, sir,
• 6:17:02
  sighed Jeeves, that when it comes to a matter of cooks, ladies
• 6:17:06
  have but a rudimentary sense of morality. Half a second bingo, I said,
• 6:17:12
  as the fellow seemed about to plunge into something of an oration. How
• 6:17:17
  does this fit in with the other thing, Jeeves? Well, sir,
• 6:17:21
  it has been my experience that no lady can ever forgive another lady for taking
• 6:17:26
  a really good cook away from her. I am convinced that if I am
• 6:17:30
  able to accomplish the mission which Missus Travers entrusted to me, an instant breach
• 6:17:34
  of cordial relations must inevitably ensue missus Little will, I feel certain, be
• 6:17:41
  so aggrieved with Missus Travers that she will decline to contribute to her paper.
• 6:17:47
  We shall therefore not only bring happiness to mister Travers, but also suppress the
• 6:17:52
  article, thus killing two birds with one stone. If I may use the
• 6:17:56
  expression, sir, sir, you may use the expression jeeves, I said
• 6:18:02
  cordially, And I may add that, in my opinion, this is one
• 6:18:06
  of your best and ripest yes, But but I say, you know,
• 6:18:11
  bleached, young Bingo, I mean to say, old anatole. I mean
• 6:18:15
  what I'm driving at is that he's a cook in a million, you poor
• 6:18:22
  chump. If he wasn't, there would be no point in the scheme.
• 6:18:26
  Yes, but what I mean I shall miss him, you know, miss
• 6:18:30
  him fearfully good heavens, I cried, don't tell me that you are thinking
• 6:18:36
  of your tummy in a crisis like this. Bingo sighed heavily. Oh,
• 6:18:41
  all right, he said, I suppose it's a case of the surgeon's knife.
• 6:18:47
  All right, Jeeves, you may carry on, Yes, carry on,
• 6:18:51
  Jeeves, Yes, yes, Jeeves, carry on. I'll look in
• 6:18:55
  tomorrow morning and hear what you have to report. And with bowed head,
• 6:19:00
  Young Bingo biffed off. He was bright and early next morning. In fact,
• 6:19:06
  he turned up at such an indecent hour that Jeeves very properly refused to
• 6:19:10
  allow him to break in on my slumbers. By the time I was awake
• 6:19:14
  and receiving, he and Jeeves had had a heart to heart chat in the
• 6:19:17
  kitchen, and when Young Bingo eventually crept into my room, I could see
• 6:19:21
  by the look on his face that something had gone wrong. It's all off,
• 6:19:26
  he said, slumping down on the bed. Off. Yes, that
• 6:19:32
  cook pinching business. Jeeves tells me he saw anatole last night, and anatole
• 6:19:37
  refused to leave. But surely Aunt Dahlia had the sense to offer him more
• 6:19:42
  than he was getting with you. The sky was the limit as far as
• 6:19:48
  she was concerned. Nevertheless, he refused to skid. It seems he's in
• 6:19:53
  love with our parlor maid. But you haven't got a parlor maid. We
• 6:20:00
  have got a parlormaid. I have never seen her. A sort of bloke
• 6:20:04
  who looked like a provincial undertaker waited at table the night before last. That
• 6:20:11
  was the local greengrocer who comes to help out when desired. The parlormaid is
• 6:20:15
  away on her holiday, or was till last night. She returned about ten
• 6:20:21
  minutes before Jeeves made his call, and anatoll, I take it was in
• 6:20:26
  such a state of elation and devotion and what not on seeing her again that
• 6:20:30
  the contents of the mint wouldn't have bribed him to part from her. But
• 6:20:36
  look here, Bingo, I said, this is all rot. I see
• 6:20:40
  the solution right off. I'm surprised that a bloke of Jeeves's mentality overlooked it.
• 6:20:45
  Aunt Dahlia must engage the parlor maaid as well as anatole. Then they
• 6:20:49
  won't be parted. I thought of that too, naturally, I bet you
• 6:20:56
  didn't. I certainly did. Well, what's wrong with the scheme? It
• 6:21:03
  can't be worked. If your aunt engaged our parlormaid, she would have to
• 6:21:07
  sack her own, wouldn't she. Well, well, if she sacks her
• 6:21:14
  parlormaid, it will mean that the chauffeur will quit. He's in love with
• 6:21:18
  her, with my aunt, No, with the parlormaid, And apparently he's
• 6:21:25
  the only chauffeur your uncle has ever found who drives carefully enough for him.
• 6:21:30
  I gave it up. I had never imagined before that life below stairs was
• 6:21:36
  so frightfully mixed up with what these coves call the sex complex. The personnel
• 6:21:41
  of domestic staff seemed to pair off like characters in a musical comedy. Oh,
• 6:21:47
  I said, well that being so, we do seem to be more
• 6:21:51
  or less stymied. That article will have to appear after all? What,
• 6:21:56
  No, it won't. Has Jeeves thought of another scheme? No, but
• 6:22:02
  I have. Bingo bent forward and patted my knee affectionately. Look here,
• 6:22:07
  Bertie, he said, you and I were at school together. You'll admit
• 6:22:12
  that, yes, But and you're a fellow who never lets a pal down.
• 6:22:18
  That's well known, isn't it. Yes, But listen, you'll cluster
• 6:22:22
  round. Of course you will, as if, said Bingo with a scornful
• 6:22:27
  laugh. I ever doubted it. You won't let an old school friend down
• 6:22:33
  in his hour of need. Not you, not, Bertie woocester, No,
• 6:22:37
  no, yes, but just one moment, what is the scheme of
• 6:22:41
  yours? Bingo massaged my shoulder soothingly. It's something right in your line,
• 6:22:48
  Bertie, old man, something that'll come as easy as pie to you.
• 6:22:53
  As a matter of fact, you've done very much the same thing before that
• 6:22:59
  time you were telling me when you pinched your uncle's memoirs at ease By.
• 6:23:03
  I suddenly remembered that, and it gave me the idea. It's here.
• 6:23:07
  Listen, it's all settled, Bertie. Nothing for you to worry about,
• 6:23:12
  nothing whatever. I see now that we've made a big mistake in ever trying
• 6:23:18
  to tackle this job in Jeeves's silly roundabout way. Much better to charge straight
• 6:23:22
  ahead without any of that finesse and fooling about and so yes, but listen,
• 6:23:30
  and so this afternoon I'm going to take Rosy to a matinee. I
• 6:23:33
  shall leave the window of her study open, and when we have got well
• 6:23:37
  away, you will climb in, pinch the cylinder and pop off again.
• 6:23:41
  It's absurdly simple. Yes, But half a second, I know what you're
• 6:23:48
  going to say, said Bingo, raising his hand. How are you to
• 6:23:52
  find the cylinder? That's what is bothering you, isn't it will? It
• 6:23:56
  will be quite easy, not a chance of a mistake. The thing is
• 6:24:00
  in the top left hand drawer of the desk, and the drawer will be
• 6:24:03
  left unlocked because Rosy's stenographer is to come round at four o'clock and type the
• 6:24:07
  article. Now, listen, Bingo, I said, I'm frightfully sorry for
• 6:24:12
  you and all that, but I must firmly draw the light at Burglary.
• 6:24:18
  But dash it. I'm only asking you to do what you did at Easby.
• 6:24:22
  No, you aren't. I was staying at Easby. It was simply
• 6:24:26
  a case of having to lift a parcel off the hall table. And I
• 6:24:29
  haven't got to break into a house. I'm sorry, but I simply will
• 6:24:33
  not break into your beastly house on any consideration whatsoever. He gazed at me,
• 6:24:38
  astonished and hurt. Is this Bertie Wooster speaking? He said, in
• 6:24:45
  a low voice, Yes it is. But Bertie, he said gently,
• 6:24:52
  we agreed that you were at school with me. I don't care at school,
• 6:24:57
  Bertie, the dear old school. I don't care. I will not
• 6:25:03
  Bertie. I will not Bertie. No Bertie. All right, I said,
• 6:25:11
  there, said young Bingo, patting me on the shoulder, spoke the
• 6:25:15
  true Bertram Wooster. I don't know if it has ever occurred to you,
• 6:25:19
  but to the thoughtful cove there is something dashed reassuring in all the reports of
• 6:25:23
  burglaries you read in the papers. I mean, if you're keen on Great
• 6:25:27
  Britain maintaining her prestige and all that, I mean, they can't be much
• 6:25:33
  wrong with the morale of a country whose sons go in to such a large
• 6:25:36
  extent for house breaking, because you can take it from me that the job
• 6:25:40
  requires a nerve of the most cast iron description. I suppose I was walking
• 6:25:45
  up and down in front of that house for half an hour before I could
• 6:25:48
  bring myself to dash in at the front gate and slide round to the side
• 6:25:52
  where the study window was, and even then I stood for about ten minutes,
• 6:25:56
  cowering against the wall and listening for police whistles. Eventually, however,
• 6:26:02
  I braced myself up and got to business. The study was on the ground
• 6:26:06
  floor, and the window was nice and large, and what is more,
• 6:26:08
  wide open. I got the old knee over the sill, gave a jerk
• 6:26:11
  which took an inch of skin off my ankle, and hopped down into the
• 6:26:15
  room. And there I was. If you follow me, I stood for
• 6:26:21
  a moment listening. Everything seemed to be all right. I was apparently alone
• 6:26:26
  in the world. In fact, I was so much alone that the atmosphere
• 6:26:30
  seemed positively creepy, you know how it is on these occasions. There was
• 6:26:36
  a clock on the mantel piece that ticked in a slow, shocked sort of
• 6:26:38
  way that was dashed unpleasant, and over the clock a large portrait stared at
• 6:26:44
  me with a good deal of dislike and suspicion. It was a portrait of
• 6:26:48
  somebody's grandfather. Whether he was Rosy's or Bingoes, I didn't know, but
• 6:26:52
  he was certainly a grandfather. In fact, I wouldn't be prepared to swear
• 6:26:56
  that he wasn't a great grandfather. He was a big, stout old buffer
• 6:27:00
  in a high collar that seemed to hurt his neck, for he had drawn
• 6:27:03
  up his chin back a goodish way, and was looking down his nose as
• 6:27:07
  much as to say, you made me put this damn thing on. Well,
• 6:27:12
  it was only a step to the desk, and nothing between me and
• 6:27:15
  it but a brown, shaggy rug. So I avoided grandfather's eye, and,
• 6:27:19
  summoning up the good old bull dog courage of the woosters, moved forward
• 6:27:23
  and started to navigate the rug. And I had hardly taken a step when
• 6:27:29
  the southeast corner of it suddenly detached itself from the rest and sat up with
• 6:27:32
  a stuffle. Well, I mean to say, to bear yourself fittingly in
• 6:27:37
  the face of an occurrence of this sort. You want to be one of
• 6:27:41
  those strong, silent, phlegmatic birds who are ready for anything. This type
• 6:27:45
  of bloke, I imagined, would simply have cocked an eye at the rug,
• 6:27:48
  said to himself, Ah, a pekingeese dog, and quite a good
• 6:27:52
  one too. It started at once to make cordial overtures to the animal in
• 6:27:56
  order to win its sympathy and moral support. I suppose I must be one
• 6:28:02
  of the neurotic younger generation you read about in the papers nowadays, because it
• 6:28:06
  was pretty plain within half a second that I wasn't strong and I wasn't phlegmatic.
• 6:28:11
  This wouldn't have mattered so much. But I wasn't silent either. In
• 6:28:15
  the emotion of the moment, I let out a sort of sharp yowl and
• 6:28:19
  leaped about four feet in a northwesterly direction, and there was a crash that
• 6:28:25
  sounded as though somebody had touched off a bomb. What a female novelist wants
• 6:28:30
  with an occasional table in her study containing a vas, two framed photographs,
• 6:28:37
  a saucer, a lacquer box, and a jar of potpourri, I don't
• 6:28:41
  know, but that was what Bingo's Rosy had, and I caught it squarely
• 6:28:45
  with my right hip and knocked it endways. It seemed to me for a
• 6:28:48
  moment as if the whole world had dissolved into a kind of cataract of glass
• 6:28:53
  and china. A few years ago, when I legged it to America to
• 6:28:57
  elude my aunt Agatha, who was out with her hatchet, I remember going
• 6:29:02
  to Niagara and listening to the falls. They made much the same sort of
• 6:29:06
  brow, but not so loud, and at the same instant the dog began
• 6:29:11
  to bark. It was a small dog, the sort of animal from which
• 6:29:15
  you would have expected a noise like a squeaking slate pencil, But it was
• 6:29:19
  simply baying. It had retreated into a corner and was leaning against the wall
• 6:29:25
  with bulging eyes, and every two seconds it chucked its head back in a
• 6:29:29
  kind of pained way and let out another terrific bellow. Well, I know
• 6:29:34
  when I'm licked. I was sorry for Bingo and regretted the necessity of having
• 6:29:38
  to let him down, But the time had come. I felt to shift
• 6:29:42
  outside, for Bertram was the slogan, and I took a running leap at
• 6:29:47
  the window and scrambled through. And there on the path, as if they
• 6:29:51
  had been waiting for me by appointment, stood a policeman and a parlormaid.
• 6:29:56
  It was an embarrassing moment. Oh, er, there you are, I
• 6:30:02
  said, And there was what you might call a contemplative silence for a moment.
• 6:30:07
  I told you, I heard something, said the parlor maaid. The
• 6:30:12
  policeman was regarding me in a boiled way. What's all this? He asked,
• 6:30:18
  I smiled in a sort of saint like manner. It's a little hard
• 6:30:23
  to explain, I said, Yes, it is, said the policeman.
• 6:30:30
  I was just having a look around, you know, old friend of the
• 6:30:33
  family. You understand how did you get in through the window being an old
• 6:30:40
  friend of the family. If you follow me, old friend of the family,
• 6:30:44
  are you, oh, very very very old, Oh, a very
• 6:30:48
  old friend of the family. I've never seen him before, said the parlor
• 6:30:55
  maaid. I looked at the girl with positive loathing. How she could have
• 6:31:02
  inspired affection in any one, even a French cook beat me. Not that
• 6:31:07
  she was a bad looking girl, mind you, not at all. On
• 6:31:11
  another and happier occasion, I might even have thought her rather pretty. But
• 6:31:15
  now she seen one of the most unpleasant females I had ever encountered. No,
• 6:31:21
  I said, you have never seen me before, but I'm an old
• 6:31:23
  friend of the family. Then why didn't you ring at the front door.
• 6:31:30
  I didn't want to give any trouble. It's no trouble answering front doors.
• 6:31:34
  That's what you're being paid for, said the parlor maid virtuously. I've never
• 6:31:41
  seen him before in my life, she added, perfectly gratuitously, a horrid
• 6:31:45
  girl. Well look here, I said, with an inspiration. The undertaker
• 6:31:49
  knows me, or undertaker the cove who was waiting at table when I dined
• 6:31:56
  here the night before last? Did the undertaker wait at table on the sixteenth
• 6:32:03
  instant, asked the policeman. Of course he didn't, said the parlormaid.
• 6:32:10
  Well he looked like By jove, no, I remember now he was the
• 6:32:12
  greengrocer on the sixteenth instant, said the policeman. Pompous ass did the green
• 6:32:22
  grocer? Yes he did, If you want to know, said the parlormaid.
• 6:32:26
  She seemed disappointed and baffled, like a tigress that sees its prey being
• 6:32:30
  sneaked away from it. Then she brightened. But this fellow could have easily
• 6:32:36
  found that out by asking ground a perfectly poisonous girl. What's your name,
• 6:32:44
  asked the policeman. Well, I say, do you mind awfully if I
• 6:32:48
  don't give my name, because suit yourself, you'll have to tell it to
• 6:32:52
  the magistrate. Oh no, I say, dash it. I think you'd
• 6:32:56
  better come along. But I say, really, you know I am an
• 6:33:00
  old friend of the family. Why, by jove, now I remember there's
• 6:33:04
  a photograph of me in the drawing room. Well, I mean that shows
• 6:33:07
  you if there is, said the policeman. I've never seen it, said
• 6:33:15
  the parlor maid. I absolutely hated this girl. You would have seen it
• 6:33:21
  if you had done your dusting more conscientiously, I said severely, and I
• 6:33:26
  meant it to sting. By jove, it's not a parlormaid's place to dust
• 6:33:30
  the drawing room. She sniffed haughtily. No, I said bitterly. It
• 6:33:37
  seems to be a parlormaid's place to lurk about and hang about, and to
• 6:33:41
  waste her time fooling about the garden with policemen who ought to be busy doing
• 6:33:45
  their duties elsewhere. It's a parlormaid's place to open the front door to visitors,
• 6:33:51
  then that don't come in through windows. I perceived that I was getting
• 6:33:56
  the loser's end of the thing. I tried to be conciliatory, my dear
• 6:34:02
  old parlor maid, I said, don't let us descend to vulgar wrangling.
• 6:34:07
  All I'm driving at is that there is a photograph of me in the drawing
• 6:34:11
  room, cared for and dusted by whom I know not. And this photograph
• 6:34:15
  will, I think, prove to you that I am an old friend of
• 6:34:18
  the family. I fancy so, Officer, if it's there, said the
• 6:34:23
  man in a grudging way. Oh it's there, all right, Oh,
• 6:34:26
  yes it's there. Well, we'll go to the drawing room and see.
• 6:34:33
  Spoken like a man, my dear policeman, I said, the drawing room
• 6:34:38
  was on the first floor, and the photograph was on the table by the
• 6:34:41
  fireplace. Only if you understand me, it wasn't. What I mean is
• 6:34:47
  there was a fireplace, and there was a table by the fireplace. But
• 6:34:51
  by jove, not a sign of any photograph of me whatsoever. The photograph
• 6:34:55
  of Bingo, yes, a photograph of Bingo's uncle, Lord Biddlesham, right,
• 6:35:00
  a photograph of Missus Bingo three quarter face with a tender smile on her
• 6:35:03
  lips, all present and correct. But of anything resembling Bertram Worcester. Not
• 6:35:10
  a trace, Ho, said the policeman. But dash it. It was
• 6:35:15
  there the night before last. Ho, he said again, Ho, ho,
• 6:35:21
  as if he were starting a drinking chorus and a comic opera confound him.
• 6:35:26
  Then I got what amounted to the brain wave of a lifetime. Who
• 6:35:30
  dusts these things? I said, turning on the parlor maaid, I don't.
• 6:35:36
  I didn't say you did, I said, who did? Mary?
• 6:35:41
  The housemaid, of course, exactly as I suspected, As I foresaw.
• 6:35:48
  Mary Officer is notoriously the worst smasher in London. There have been complaints about
• 6:35:53
  her on all sides. You see what has happened. The wretched girl has
• 6:35:56
  broken the glass of my photograph, and, not being willing to come forward
• 6:36:00
  and admit it in an honest, manly way, has taken the thing off
• 6:36:04
  and concealed it somewhere, ho, said the policeman, still working through the
• 6:36:11
  drinking chorus. We'll ask her. Go down and ask her. You go
• 6:36:17
  down and ask her, said the policeman to the parlor maid, if it's
• 6:36:19
  going to make him any happier. The parlor maid left the room, casting
• 6:36:25
  a pestilential glance at me over her shoulder as she went I'm not sure she
• 6:36:30
  didn't say, ho too. And then there was a bit of a lull.
• 6:36:33
  The policeman took up a position with a large beefy back against the door,
• 6:36:37
  and I wandered to and fro hither and yonder. What are you playing
• 6:36:42
  at? Demanded the policeman, just looking round. They may have moved the
• 6:36:48
  thing ho and then there was another bit of a lull, and suddenly I
• 6:36:55
  found myself by the window, and by jove, it was six inches open
• 6:36:57
  at the bottom, and the world beyond looked so bright and sunny and well.
• 6:37:03
  I don't claim that I'm a particularly swift thinker, but once more something
• 6:37:07
  seemed to whisper outside for Bertram. I slid my finger nonchalantly under the sash,
• 6:37:14
  gave a hefty heave, and up she came. And the next moment
• 6:37:18
  I was in a laurel bush, feeling like the cross which marks the spot
• 6:37:21
  where the accident occurred. A large red face appeared in the window. I
• 6:37:26
  got up and skipped lightly to the gate. Hi, shouted the policeman.
• 6:37:32
  Oh, I replied, and went forth moving. Well this, I said
• 6:37:37
  to myself, as I hailed a passing cab and sank back on to the
• 6:37:41
  cushions. Is the last time I tried to do anything for young Bingo.
• 6:37:47
  These sentiments I expressed in no guarded language to Jeeves when I was back the
• 6:37:52
  old flat with my feet on the mantelpiece, pushing down a soothing whisky.
• 6:37:56
  And never again, Jeeves, I said, never again. Well, sir,
• 6:38:02
  no, never again. Well, sir, what do you mean?
• 6:38:06
  Well, sir? What are you driving at? Well? Sir, mister
• 6:38:11
  Little is an extremely persistent young gentleman, and yours, if I may say
• 6:38:15
  so, sir, is a yielding and obliging nature. You don't think that
• 6:38:21
  young Binger would have the immortal rant to try to get me into some other
• 6:38:25
  foul enterprise. I should say that it was more than probable, sir.
• 6:38:32
  I removed the dogs swiftly from the mantelpiece and jumped up all of a twitter.
• 6:38:36
  Jeeves, what would you advise? Well, sir, I think a
• 6:38:41
  little change of scene would be judicious. Do a bolt precisely, sir?
• 6:38:48
  If I might suggest it, Sir, why not change your mind and join
• 6:38:51
  mister George Trevers at Harrogate? Oh, I say, Jeeves, you would
• 6:38:56
  be out of what I might describe as the danger zone this, sir.
• 6:39:00
  Perhaps you're right, Jeeves? I said thoughtfully, Yes, possibly you're right.
• 6:39:07
  How far is Harrogate from London two hundred and six miles? Sir?
• 6:39:12
  Yes, I think you're right. Is there a train this afternoon? Yes,
• 6:39:17
  sir, you could catch it quite easily. All right? Then,
• 6:39:21
  bung a few necessaries in a bag. I have already done so, Sir
• 6:39:26
  ho I said, it's a rummy thing, but when you come down to
• 6:39:32
  it, Jeeves is always right. He tried to cheer me up at the
• 6:39:34
  station by saying that I would not find Harroget unpleasant, and by Jove he
• 6:39:40
  was perfectly correct. What I had overlooked when examining the project was the fact
• 6:39:45
  that I should be in the middle of a bevy of blokes who were taking
• 6:39:48
  the cure, and I shouldn't be taking it myself. You've no notion of
• 6:39:52
  what a dashed, cozy, satisfying feeling that gives a fellow. I mean
• 6:39:56
  to say. There was old Uncle George, for instance. The medicine man,
• 6:40:02
  having given him the once over, had ordered him to abstain from all
• 6:40:04
  alcoholic liquids, in addition to tool down the hill to the Royal pump room
• 6:40:10
  each morning at eight thirty and imbibe twelve ounces of warm crescent saline and magnesia.
• 6:40:18
  It doesn't sound much put that way, but I gather from contemporary accounts
• 6:40:22
  that it's practically equivalent to getting outside a couple of little old last year's eggs
• 6:40:26
  beaten up in sea water, and the thought of Uncle George, who had
• 6:40:30
  oppressed me sorely in my childhood. Sucking down that stuff and having to hop
• 6:40:36
  out of bed at eight fifteen to do so was extremely grateful and comforting of
• 6:40:40
  a morning. At four in the afternoon, he would toddle down the hill
• 6:40:44
  again and repeat the process. And at night we would dine together and I
• 6:40:48
  would loll back in my chair sipping my wine and listen to him telling me
• 6:40:52
  what the stuff had tasted like. In many ways the ideal existence. I
• 6:40:57
  generally managed to fit in with my engagements to go down and watch him tackle
• 6:41:02
  his afternoon dose. For we woosters are as fond of a laugh as any
• 6:41:06
  one. And it was while I was enjoying the performance in the middle of
• 6:41:10
  the second week, that I heard my name spoken, and there was Aunt
• 6:41:12
  Dahlia Hallo. I said, what are you doing here? I came down
• 6:41:18
  here yesterday with Tom. Is Tom taking the cure? Asked Uncle George,
• 6:41:26
  looking up hopefully from the hell Brew. Yes, are you taking the cure?
• 6:41:33
  Yes? Ah, said Uncle George, looking happier than I had seen
• 6:41:38
  him for days. He swallowed the last drops, and then the program,
• 6:41:42
  calling for a brisk walk before his massage, He left us. I shouldn't
• 6:41:48
  have thought that you would have been able to get away from the paper I
• 6:41:49
  said. I say, I went on struck by a pleasing idea. It
• 6:41:55
  hasn't bust up? Has it bust up? I should say not? A
• 6:42:02
  pail of mine is looking after it for me while I'm here. It's right
• 6:42:06
  on its feet. Now. Tom has given me a couple of thousand and
• 6:42:08
  says there's more if I want it. And I've been able to buy the
• 6:42:12
  serial rights of Lady Bablockheit's frank Recollections of a Long Life the Hottest Stuff.
• 6:42:18
  Bertie sortant to double the circulation and send half of the best known people in
• 6:42:25
  London into hysterics for a year. Oh, I said, then you're pretty
• 6:42:30
  well fixed. What I mean? What were the frank recollections? In that
• 6:42:34
  article of missus Little's aunt Dahlia was drinking something that smelt like a gleek in
• 6:42:41
  the gas pipe, and I thought for a moment that it was that that
• 6:42:44
  made her twist up her face. But I was wrong. Don't mention that
• 6:42:49
  woman to me, Bertie. She said, one of the worst. But
• 6:42:56
  I thought you were rather pally. No law, will you credit it that
• 6:43:02
  she positively refuses to let me have that article. What purely and simply on
• 6:43:11
  account of some fancied grievance she thinks she has against me because her cook left
• 6:43:17
  her and came to me. I couldn't follow this at all. Anatole left
• 6:43:23
  her, I said, but what about the parlor maid? Pull yourself together,
• 6:43:29
  Bertie, you're babbling. What do you mean why I understood? I'll
• 6:43:37
  bet you never understood anything in your life. She laid down her empty glass.
• 6:43:41
  Well that's done, she said, with relief. Thank goodness, I'll
• 6:43:47
  be able to watch Tom drinking his in a few minutes. It's the only
• 6:43:51
  thing that enables me to bear up. Poor Chap. He does hate it,
• 6:43:56
  so but I cheer him by telling him it's going to put him in
• 6:44:00
  shape for Anatole's cooking, and that Bertie is something worth going into training for,
• 6:44:07
  a master of his art. That man. Sometimes I'm not altogether surprised
• 6:44:14
  that missus Little made such a fuss when he went. But really, you
• 6:44:18
  know, she ought not to mix sentiment with business. She has no right
• 6:44:25
  to refuse to let me have that article just because of a private difference.
• 6:44:30
  Well she jolly well can't use it elsewhere, because it was my idea,
• 6:44:36
  and I have witnesses to prove it. If she tries to sell it to
• 6:44:41
  another paper, I'll see her in talking of sewers, is high time Tom
• 6:44:45
  was here to drink his sulfur water. But look here, oh, by
• 6:44:52
  the way, Bertie said, Aunt Dahlia, I withdraw any harsh expressions I
• 6:44:59
  may have used about your man Jeeves, a most capable feller. Jeeves.
• 6:45:07
  Yes, he attended to the negotiations, and very well. He did it
• 6:45:11
  too, and he hasn't lost by it. You can bet I saw to
• 6:45:15
  that. I am grateful to him. Why if Tom gives up a couple
• 6:45:21
  of thousand now practically without a murmur, the imagination reels at what he'll do
• 6:45:26
  with anatole cooking regularly for him. He'll be signing checks in his sleep.
• 6:45:33
  I got up. Aunt Dahlia pleaded with me to stick around and watch Uncle
• 6:45:37
  Tom in action, claiming it to be a sight nobody should miss. But
• 6:45:41
  I couldn't wait. I rushed up the hill, left a farewell note for
• 6:45:45
  Uncle George, and caught the next train for London. Jeeves, I said,
• 6:45:52
  when I had washed off the stains of travel, tell me frankly all
• 6:45:56
  about it, be as frank as lady Bablockeye. Sir, never mind,
• 6:46:02
  if you've not heard of her, tell me how you've worked this binge.
• 6:46:06
  The last I heard was that Anatole loved that Parlia maid, goodness knows why,
• 6:46:11
  so much so that he refused to leave her. Well, then I
• 6:46:17
  was somewhat baffled for a while, I must confess, sir. Then I
• 6:46:21
  was materially assisted by a fortunate discovery. What was that I chanced to be
• 6:46:29
  chatting with Missus Travers's housemaid, Sir, and remembering that Missus Little was anxious
• 6:46:33
  to obtain a domestic of that description, I asked if she would consent to
• 6:46:38
  leave Missus Travers and go at an advanced wage to Missus Little. To this
• 6:46:45
  she assented, and I saw Missus littleland arrange the matter. Well, what
• 6:46:51
  was the fortunate discovery that the girl in a previous situation, some little time
• 6:46:56
  back had been a colleague of ANATOLESA, and Anatole, as is the too
• 6:47:02
  frequent practice of these frenchmen, had made love to her. In fact,
• 6:47:07
  they were so, I understand it, sir, formerly affianced until Anatole disappeared
• 6:47:14
  One morning, leaving no address, and passed out of the poor girl's life.
• 6:47:18
  You will readily appreciate that this discovery simplified matters considerably. The girl no
• 6:47:23
  longer had any affection for Anatole, but the prospect of being under the same
• 6:47:30
  roof with two young persons, both of whom he had led to assume great
• 6:47:36
  Scott. Yes, I see. It was rather like putting in a ferret
• 6:47:40
  to start a rabbit. The principle was much the same, Sir. Anatole
• 6:47:45
  was out of the house and in Missus Travers's service within half an hour of
• 6:47:49
  the receipt of the information that the young person was about to arrive. A
• 6:47:55
  volatile man, Sir, like so many of these frenchmen, Jeeves, I
• 6:48:00
  said, this is genius of a high order. It is very good of
• 6:48:07
  you to say so, sir. What did mister Little say about it?
• 6:48:11
  He appeared gratified, Sir, to go into sordid figures, did he?
• 6:48:19
  Yes, Sir, twenty pounds? Having been fortunate in his selections at Hurst
• 6:48:25
  Park on the previous Saturday, my aunt told me that she yes, sir,
• 6:48:33
  most generous twenty five pounds. Good Lord Jeeves, you've been coining the
• 6:48:40
  stuff I have added appreciably to my savings. Yes, sir, Missus Little
• 6:48:47
  was good enough to present me with ten pounds for finding her such a satisfactory
• 6:48:51
  housemaid. And then there was mister Travers, Uncle Thomas. Yes, sir,
• 6:48:59
  he also behaved most handsomely, quite independently of Missus Travers another twenty five
• 6:49:06
  pounds. And mister George Travers. Don't tell me that Uncle George gave you
• 6:49:11
  something too? What on earth for? Well, really, sir, I
• 6:49:17
  do not quite understand myself, but I received a check for ten pounds from
• 6:49:22
  him. He seemed to be under the impression that I had been in some
• 6:49:26
  way responsible for your joining him at Harrogate. Sir, I gaped at the
• 6:49:32
  fellow. Well everybody seems to be doing it, I said, So I
• 6:49:37
  suppose I had better make the thing unanimous. Here's a fiver. I thank
• 6:49:42
  you, sir. This is extremely It won't seem much compared with these vast
• 6:49:48
  sums you've been acquiring. Oh, I assure you, sir. And I
• 6:49:55
  don't know why I'm giving it to you. No, sir, still there
• 6:50:00
  it is, Thank you very much, sir. I got up. It's
• 6:50:07
  pretty late, I said, but I think I'll dress and go out and
• 6:50:10
  have a bite somewhere. I feel like having a whirl of some kind after
• 6:50:14
  two weeks at Harrogate. Yes, sir, I will unpack your clothes.
• 6:50:21
  Oh, Jeeves, I said, Did Peabody and Syms send those soft silk
• 6:50:26
  shirts, Yes, Sir, I sent them back, sent them back,
• 6:50:34
  Yes, sir. I eyed him for a moment. But I mean to
• 6:50:41
  say, I mean, what's the use o? All right? I said,
• 6:50:47
  Then lay out one of those gents stiff bosomed, very good, sir,
• 6:50:52
  said, Jeeves. Bertie changes his mind. It has happened so frequent
• 6:51:00
  in the past few years that young fellows starting in my profession have come to
• 6:51:04
  me for a word of advice that I have found it convenient now to condense
• 6:51:08
  my system into a brief formula, resource and tact. That is my motto.
• 6:51:15
  Tact, of course, has always been with me a sine quannon.
• 6:51:21
  While as for resource, I think I may say that I have usually contrived
• 6:51:26
  to show a certain modicum of what I might call finesse in handling those little
• 6:51:32
  contretramps which inevitably arrive from time to time in the daily life of a gentleman's
• 6:51:37
  personal gentleman, I am reminded by way of an instance of the episode of
• 6:51:45
  the School for Young Ladies near Brighton, an affair which I think may be
• 6:51:49
  said to have commenced one evening at the moment when I brought mister Booster his
• 6:51:55
  whiskey and siphon, and he addressed me with such remarkable petulance, not a
• 6:52:00
  little moody. Mister Wooster had been for some days far from his usual bright
• 6:52:07
  self. This I had attributed to the natural reaction from a slight attack of
• 6:52:11
  influenza from which he had been suffering, and of course took no notice,
• 6:52:18
  merely performing my duties as usual, until on the evening of which I spoke
• 6:52:22
  he exhibited this remarkable petulance when I brought him his whiskey and siphon. Oh
• 6:52:29
  dash it jeeves, he said, manifestly overwrought. I wish at least you'd
• 6:52:34
  put on another table for a change, sir, I said, every night.
• 6:52:41
  Dash it all proceeded, mister Wooster, morosely, you come in at
• 6:52:45
  exactly the same old time, with the same old tray and put it on
• 6:52:49
  the same old table. I'm fed up, I tell you. It's the
• 6:52:52
  bally monotony of it that makes it all seem so frightfully Valley, I confess
• 6:53:00
  that his words filled me with a certain apprehension. I had heard gentlemen in
• 6:53:04
  whose employment I have been speak in very much the same way before, and
• 6:53:10
  it had almost invariably meant that they were contemplating matrimony. It disturbed me.
• 6:53:15
  Therefore, I am free to admit when mister Wooster addressed me in this fashion,
• 6:53:22
  I had no desire to sever a connection so pleasant in every aspect as
• 6:53:26
  his and mine had been. And my experience is that when the wife comes
• 6:53:30
  in at the front door, the valet of bachelor days goes out at the
• 6:53:34
  back. It's not your fault, of course, went on mister Wooster,
• 6:53:40
  regaining a certain degree of composure. I'm not blaming you, but by jove,
• 6:53:45
  I mean you must acknowledge. I mean to say, I've been thinking
• 6:53:49
  pretty deeply these last few days, Jeeves, and I've come to the conclusion
• 6:53:55
  mine is an empty life. I'm lonely, Jeeves. You have great many
• 6:54:00
  friends, sir. What's the good of friends? Emerson, I reminded him,
• 6:54:06
  says a friend may well be reckoned. The masterpiece of nature, sir,
• 6:54:11
  Well you can tell Emerson from me next time you see him that he's
• 6:54:15
  an ass. Very good, sir. What I want, Jeeves? Have
• 6:54:21
  you seen that play called I Forget Its Dashed name? No, sir,
• 6:54:26
  it's on the what do you call it? I went last night? The
• 6:54:30
  hero's a chap who's buzzing along, you know, quite merry and bright.
• 6:54:34
  And suddenly a kid turns up and says she's his daughter, left over from
• 6:54:40
  act one, you know, absolutely the first he'd heard of it. Well,
• 6:54:44
  of course, there's a bit of a fuss and they say to him
• 6:54:47
  what o And he says, well, what about it? And they say,
• 6:54:51
  well what about it? And he says, all right, then if
• 6:54:55
  that's the way you feel, and he takes the kid and goes off with
• 6:54:59
  her out into the world old you know. Well, what I'm driving at,
• 6:55:02
  Jeeves, is that I envied that chappy most awfully jolly little girl,
• 6:55:07
  you know, clinging to him trustingly and whatnot. Something to look after,
• 6:55:12
  if you know what I mean, Jeeves, I wish I had a daughter.
• 6:55:17
  I wonder what the procedure is marriage. I believe is considered the preliminary
• 6:55:23
  step, sir. No, I mean about adopting a kid. You can
• 6:55:29
  adopt kids, you know, Jeeves. But what I want to know is
• 6:55:32
  how you start about it. The process I should imagine would be highly complicated
• 6:55:37
  and laborious, Sir. It would cut into your spare time. Well,
• 6:55:44
  i'll tell you what I could do. Then, my sister will be back
• 6:55:47
  from India next week with her three little girls. I'll give up this flat
• 6:55:51
  and take a house and have them all to live with me. By jove,
• 6:55:55
  Jeeves, I think that's rather a scheme. What prattle of childish voices,
• 6:56:00
  eh, little feet pattering hither and thither. Yes, I concealed my
• 6:56:07
  perturbation, but the effort to preserve my sang foix tested my powers to the
• 6:56:11
  utmost. The course of action outlined by mister Booster meant the finish of our
• 6:56:17
  cozy bachelor establishment if it came into being as a practical proposition, and no
• 6:56:23
  doubt some men in my place would at this juncture have voiced their disapproval.
• 6:56:30
  I avoided this splendor. If you will pardon my saying so, sir,
• 6:56:34
  I suggested, I think you are not quite yourself after your influenza. If
• 6:56:41
  I might express the opinion which you require is a few days by the sea.
• 6:56:45
  Brighton is very handy, sir. Are you suggesting that I'm talking through
• 6:56:51
  my hat? By no means, sir, I merely advocate a short stay
• 6:56:56
  at Brighton as a physical recuperative. Mister Wooster considered, well, I'm not
• 6:57:03
  sure you're not right, he said at length, I am feeling more or
• 6:57:08
  less of an onion. You might shove a few things in a suit case
• 6:57:14
  and drive me down in the car tomorrow. Very good, sir, And
• 6:57:18
  when we get back, I'll be in the pink and ready to tackle this
• 6:57:22
  pattering feet wheeze exactly, sir. Well, it was a respite, and
• 6:57:30
  I welcomed it, but I began to see that a crisis had arisen which
• 6:57:33
  would require adroit handling. Rarely had I observed mister Wooster more set on a
• 6:57:41
  thing. Indeed, I could recall no such exhibition of determination on his part
• 6:57:47
  since the time when he had insisted against my frank disapproval on wearing purple socks.
• 6:57:53
  However, I had coped successfully with that outbreak, and I was,
• 6:57:57
  by no means uns sanguine that I should eventually be able to bring the present
• 6:58:03
  affair to a happy issue. Employers are like horses, they require managing.
• 6:58:10
  Some gentlemen's personal gentlemen have the knack of managing them. Some have not.
• 6:58:15
  I, I am happy to say, have no cause for complaint for myself.
• 6:58:22
  I found our stay at Brighton highly enjoyable and should have been willing to
• 6:58:26
  extend it. But mister Wooster still restless, wearied of the place by the
• 6:58:32
  end of two days, and on the third afternoon he instructed me to pack
• 6:58:36
  up and bring the car round to the hotel. We started back along the
• 6:58:40
  London Road at about five on a fine summer's day, and have traveled perhaps
• 6:58:45
  two miles when I perceived in the road before us a young lady gesticulating with
• 6:58:51
  no little animation. I applied the brake and brought the vehicle to a standstill.
• 6:58:56
  What inquired mister Wooster, waking from a revery is the big thought at
• 6:59:00
  the back of this, Jeeves, I observed a young lady endeavoring to attract
• 6:59:06
  our attention with signals A little way down the road, Sir, I explained,
• 6:59:11
  she is now making her way towards us. Mister Wooster peered, I
• 6:59:15
  see her. I expect she wants a lift, Jeeves. That was the
• 6:59:19
  interpretation which I placed upon her actions. Sir, A jolly looking kid,
• 6:59:26
  said mister Wooster. I wonder what she's doing biffing about the high road.
• 6:59:30
  She has the air to me, sir of one who has been absenting herself
• 6:59:34
  without leave from her school. Sir, hallo, hallo alo, said mister
• 6:59:40
  Wooster. As the child reached us. Do you want a lift? Oh?
• 6:59:45
  I say, can you? Said the child with marked pleasure. Where
• 6:59:48
  do you want to go? There's a turning to the left about a mile
• 6:59:52
  farther on. If you'll put me down there, I'll walk the rest of
• 6:59:56
  the way. I say, thanks, Awfully, I've got a nail in
• 6:59:59
  my shoe. She climbed in at the back, a red haired young person
• 7:00:03
  with a snub nose and an extremely large grin. Her age I should imagine
• 7:00:10
  would be about twelve. She let down one of the spare seats and knelt
• 7:00:14
  on it to facilitate conversation. I'm going to get into a frightful row,
• 7:00:18
  she began. Miss Tomlinson will be perfectly furious. No, really, said
• 7:00:25
  mister Wooster. It's a half holiday, you know. And I sneaked away
• 7:00:29
  to Brighton because I wanted to go on the pier and put pennies in the
• 7:00:32
  slot machines. I thought I could get back in time so that nobody would
• 7:00:36
  notice I'd gone. But I got this nail in my shoe, and now
• 7:00:40
  there'd be a fearful row. Oh well, she said, with a philosophy
• 7:00:45
  which I confess I admired. It can't be helped. What's your car a
• 7:00:49
  sunbeam, isn't it? We've got a Wolseley at home. Mister Wooster was
• 7:00:55
  visibly perturbed. As I have indicated, he was at this time in a
• 7:01:00
  highly malleable frame of mind, tender hearted to a degree where the young of
• 7:01:04
  the female sex was concerned. Her sad case touched him deeply. Oh,
• 7:01:11
  I say this is rather ratten, he observed. Isn't there anything to be
• 7:01:17
  done? I say, Jeeves, don't you think something should be done?
• 7:01:21
  It was not my place to make a suggestion, sir, I replied,
• 7:01:26
  But as you yourself have brought the matter up, I fancy the trouble is
• 7:01:30
  susceptible of adjustment. I think it would be a legitimate subterfuge were you to
• 7:01:37
  inform the young lady's school mistress that you are an old friend of the young
• 7:01:41
  lady's father. In this case, you could inform Miss Tomlinson that you had
• 7:01:45
  been passing the school and had seen the young lady at the gate and taken
• 7:01:49
  her for a drive. Miss Tomlinson's chagrin would, no doubt, in these
• 7:01:55
  circumstances be sensibly diminished, if not altogether dispersed. Well, you are a
• 7:02:02
  sportsman, observed the young person with considerable enthusiasm, and she proceeded to kiss
• 7:02:08
  me, in connection with which I have only to say that I was sorry
• 7:02:14
  she had just been devouring some sticky species of sweetmeat. Jeeves. You've hit
• 7:02:21
  it, said mister Wooster, A sound even fruity scheme. I say,
• 7:02:26
  I suppose i'd better know your real name and all that. If I'm a
• 7:02:29
  friend of your father's. My name's Peggy Mainwaring. Thanks awfully, said the
• 7:02:33
  young person. And my father's professor Mainwaring. He's written a lot of books.
• 7:02:37
  You'll be expected to know that, author of the well known series of
• 7:02:42
  philosophical treatises, Sir, I ventured to interject, they have a great vogue.
• 7:02:48
  Though, if the young lady will pardon my saying so many of the
• 7:02:52
  professor's opinions strike me personally as somewhat empirical. Shall I drive to the school?
• 7:02:59
  Sir? Yes, carry on, I say, Jeeves, it's a
• 7:03:02
  roomy thing. Do you know I've never been inside a girl's school in my
• 7:03:07
  life. Indeed, Sir, ought to be a dashed interesting experience. Jeeves,
• 7:03:12
  what I fancy that you may find it? So, sir, I
• 7:03:18
  said. We drove on a matter of half a mile down a lane,
• 7:03:22
  and directed by the young person, I turned in at the gates of a
• 7:03:26
  house of imposing dimensions, bringing the car to a halt. At the door,
• 7:03:32
  mister Wooster and the child entered, and presently a parlor maid came out.
• 7:03:36
  You're to take the car round to the stables, please, she said,
• 7:03:41
  Ah, I said, then everything is satisfactory. Eh. Where has
• 7:03:45
  mister Wooster gone? Miss Peggy has taken him off to meet her friends and
• 7:03:49
  cook says, she hopes you'll step round to the kitchen later and have a
• 7:03:52
  cup of tea. Inform her that I shall be delighted. Before I take
• 7:03:57
  the car to the stables. Would it be possible for me to have a
• 7:04:00
  word with miss Tomlinson. A moment later I was following her into the drawing
• 7:04:07
  room. Handsome but strong minded That was how I summed up Miss Tomlinson.
• 7:04:11
  At first glance. In some ways she recalled to my mind mister Wooster's aunt
• 7:04:18
  Agatha. She had the same penetrating gaze and that indefinable air of being reluctant
• 7:04:26
  to stand any nonsense. I fear I am possibly taking a liberty, Madame,
• 7:04:32
  I began, but I am hoping that you will allow me to say
• 7:04:36
  a word with respect to my employer. I fancy I am correct in supposing
• 7:04:41
  that mister Wooster did not tell you a great deal about himself. He told
• 7:04:45
  me nothing about himself except that he was a friend of Professor Mainwaring. He
• 7:04:51
  did not inform you then that he was the mister Wooster, the mister Wooster,
• 7:04:57
  Bertram Wooster. Adam, I will say for mister Wooster that mentally negligible,
• 7:05:04
  though he no doubt is, he has a name that suggests almost infinite
• 7:05:10
  possibilities. He sounds, if I may elucidate my meaning, like someone,
• 7:05:17
  especially if you have just been informed that he is an intimate friend of so
• 7:05:22
  eminent a man as Professor Mainwaring, you might not, no doubt be able
• 7:05:26
  to say offhand whether he was Bertram Wooster the novelist, or Bertram Wooster,
• 7:05:33
  the founder of a new school of thought. But you would have an uneasy
• 7:05:37
  feeling that you were exposing your ignorance if you did not give the impression of
• 7:05:41
  familiarity with the name, Miss Tomlinson, as I had rather foreseen, nodded
• 7:05:48
  brightly, Oh, Bertram Wooster, she said, he is an extremely retiring
• 7:05:57
  gentleman, Madam, and would be the last to suggest it himself. But
• 7:06:03
  knowing him as I do, I am sure that he would take it as
• 7:06:06
  a graceful compliment if you were to ask him to address the young ladies.
• 7:06:11
  He is an excellent extempore speaker. A very good idea, said Miss Tomlinson
• 7:06:18
  decidedly. I am very much obliged to you for suggesting it. I will
• 7:06:22
  certainly ask him to talk to the girls, and should he make a pretense
• 7:06:26
  through modesty of not wishing, I shall insist. Thank you, Madame,
• 7:06:33
  I am obliged. You will not mention my share in the matter. Mister
• 7:06:38
  Wooster might think that I had exceeded my duties. I drove round to the
• 7:06:45
  stables and halted the car in the yard. As I got out, I
• 7:06:48
  looked at it somewhat intently. It was a good car and appeared to be
• 7:06:53
  an excellent condition. But somehow I seemed to feel that something was going to
• 7:07:00
  go wrong with it, something serious, something that would not be able to
• 7:07:04
  be put right again for at least a couple of hours. One gets these
• 7:07:10
  presentiments. It may have been some half hour later that mister Wooster came into
• 7:07:15
  the stable yard as I was leaning against the car, enjoying a quiet cigarette.
• 7:07:21
  No, don't chuck it away, jeeves, he said, as I
• 7:07:23
  withdrew the cigarette from my mouth. As a matter of fact, I've come
• 7:07:27
  to touch you for a smoke. Got one to spare only gaspers. I
• 7:07:33
  fear, sir, they'll do, responded mister Wooster, with no little eagerness.
• 7:07:40
  I observed that his manner was a trifle fatigued, and his eye somewhat
• 7:07:45
  wild. It's a roomy thing, Jeeves. I seem to have lost my
• 7:07:48
  cigarette case. I can't find it anywhere. I am sorry to hear that,
• 7:07:52
  sir. It is not in the car. No, must have dropped
• 7:07:56
  it somewhere. Then he drew at him gasper with relish. Jolly creatures,
• 7:08:03
  small girls, Jeeves, he remarked, after a pause. Extremely so sir.
• 7:08:08
  Of course, I can't imagine some fellows finding them a bit exhausting in
• 7:08:14
  er en mass, Sir, that's the word, a bit exhausting en mass.
• 7:08:22
  I must confess, sir, that that is how they used to strike
• 7:08:26
  me in my younger day. At the outset of my career, Sir,
• 7:08:30
  I was at one time page boy in a school for young ladies. No,
• 7:08:34
  really, I never knew that before, I say, Jeeves, Er
• 7:08:40
  did the er dear little souls giggle much in your day? Practically without cessation,
• 7:08:48
  Sir, makes a fellow feel a bit of an ass What I shouldn't
• 7:08:52
  consider if they usedn't to stare at you from time to time too? Eh.
• 7:08:59
  At the school where I was employed, Sir, the young ladies had
• 7:09:02
  a regular game which they were accustomed to play. When a male visitor arrived,
• 7:09:07
  they would stare fixedly at him and giggle, and there was a small
• 7:09:11
  prize for the one who made him blush first. Oh no, I say,
• 7:09:15
  Jeeves, not really, yes, sir, they derived great enjoyment from
• 7:09:22
  the pastime. I'd no idea small girls were such demons more deadly than the
• 7:09:30
  male, Sir. Mister Booster passed a handkerchief over his brow. Well,
• 7:09:37
  we're going to have tea in a few minutes, Jeeves. I expect I
• 7:09:40
  shall feel better after tea. We will hope so, sir. But I
• 7:09:45
  was by no means sanguine. I had an agreeable tea in the kitchen.
• 7:09:52
  The buttered toast was good, and the maid's nice girls, though with little
• 7:09:56
  conversation. The parlor maid, who who joined us towards the end of the
• 7:10:00
  meal after performing her duties in the school dining room, reported that mister Wooster
• 7:10:07
  was sticking it pluckily, but seemed feverish. I went back to the stable
• 7:10:11
  yard and I was just giving the car another look over when the young main
• 7:10:15
  warring child appeared. Oh, I say, She said, will you give
• 7:10:21
  this to mister Wooster when you see him? She held out mister Wooster's cigarette
• 7:10:25
  case. He must have dropped it somewhere, I say. She proceeded,
• 7:10:30
  it's an awful lark. He's going to give a lecture to the school.
• 7:10:33
  Indeed, miss, we love it when there are lecturers. We sit and
• 7:10:38
  stare at the poor DearS and try to make them dry up. There was
• 7:10:41
  a man last term who got hiccups. Do you think mister Wooster will get
• 7:10:45
  hiccups. We can but hope for the best. Miss It would be such
• 7:10:51
  a lark, wouldn't it highly enjoyable? Miss Well, I must be getting
• 7:10:56
  back. I want to get a front seat. And she scampered off,
• 7:11:00
  an engaging child full of spirits. She had hardly gone when there was an
• 7:11:07
  agitated noise, and round the corner came mister Rooster, perturbed deeply. So
• 7:11:12
  Jeeves, sir, start the car, sir, I'm off, sir.
• 7:11:22
  Mister Wooster danced a few steps. Don't stand there, saying, sir,
• 7:11:26
  I tell you, I'm off, ballly off. There's not a moment to
• 7:11:30
  waste. The situation's desperate. Dash it, Jeeves, you do know what
• 7:11:33
  happened? The Tumlinson female has just sprung it on me that I'm expected to
• 7:11:37
  make a speech to the girls. Got to stand up there in front of
• 7:11:41
  the whole dash it collection and talk. I can just see myself. Get
• 7:11:47
  that car going, Jeeves, dash it all. A little speed, A
• 7:11:51
  little speed impossible, I fear, sir, the car's out of order.
• 7:11:56
  Mister Wooster gaped at me very glassily. He gaped out of order. Yes,
• 7:12:03
  sir, something is wrong. Trivial perhaps, but possibly a matter of
• 7:12:08
  some little time to repair. Mister Wooster, being one of those easy going
• 7:12:15
  young gentlemen who will drive a car but never take the trouble to study its
• 7:12:18
  mechanism, I felt justified in becoming technical. I think it is the differential
• 7:12:25
  gear, sir, either that or the exhaust. I am fond of mister
• 7:12:30
  Wooster, and I admit I came very near to melting as I looked at
• 7:12:34
  his face. He was staring at me in a sort of dumb despair that
• 7:12:38
  would have touched anybody. Then I'm sunk or A slight gleam of hope flickered
• 7:12:45
  across his drawn features. Do you think I could sneak out and leg it
• 7:12:49
  across country? Jeeves too late, I fear, sir, I indicated with
• 7:12:56
  a slight gesture the approaching figure of Miss Tomlinson, who was advancing with a
• 7:13:00
  serene determination in his immediate rear. Ah, there you are, mister Wooster.
• 7:13:07
  He smiled a sickly smile. Yes, er here I am. We
• 7:13:11
  are all waiting for you in the large schoolroom. But I say, look
• 7:13:17
  here, said mister Wooster. I I don't know a bit what to talk
• 7:13:21
  about. Why anything, mister Wooster. Anything that comes into your head,
• 7:13:26
  be bright, said miss Tomlinson. Bright and amusing, Oh, bright and
• 7:13:33
  amusing. Possibly tell them a few entertaining stories. But at the same time,
• 7:13:40
  do not neglect the graver note. Remember that my girls are on the
• 7:13:44
  threshold of life and will be eager to hear something brave and helpful and stimulating,
• 7:13:49
  something which they can remember in after years. But of course you know
• 7:13:53
  the sort of thing, mister Wooster. Come, the young people are waiting.
• 7:13:59
  I've spoken earlier of resource and the part it plays in the life of
• 7:14:03
  a gentleman's personal gentleman. It is a quality peculiarly necessary if one is to
• 7:14:11
  share in scenes not primarily designed for one's cooperation. So much that is interesting
• 7:14:18
  in life goes on apart behind closed doors that your gentleman's gentleman, if he
• 7:14:23
  is not to remain hopelessly behind the march of events, should exercise his wits
• 7:14:30
  in order to enable himself to be, if not a spectator, at least
• 7:14:34
  an auditor when there is anything of interest toward I deprecate as vulgar and undignified
• 7:14:42
  the practice of listening at keyholes, But without lowing myself to that, I
• 7:14:48
  have generally contrived to find a way. In the present case, it was
• 7:14:52
  simple. The large schoolroom was situated on the ground floor with commodious French windows,
• 7:14:59
  which, as the weather was clement, remained open throughout the proceedings.
• 7:15:03
  By seationing myself behind a pillar on the porch or veranda which adjoined the room,
• 7:15:10
  I was enabled to see and hear all. It was an experience which
• 7:15:15
  I should be sorry to have missed. Mister Wooster, I may say,
• 7:15:18
  at once indubitably excelled himself. Mister Wooster is a young gentleman with practically every
• 7:15:27
  desirable quality except one. I do not mean brains, for in an employer,
• 7:15:33
  brains are not desirable. The quality to which I allude is hard to
• 7:15:38
  define, but perhaps I might call it the gift of dealing with the unusual
• 7:15:44
  situation. In the presence of the unusual, mister Wooster is too prone to
• 7:15:51
  smile weakly and allow his eyes to protrude he lacks presents. I have often
• 7:15:57
  wished that I had the power to bess stow upon him some of the savoir
• 7:16:02
  faire of a former employer of mine, mister Montaugue Todd, the well known
• 7:16:08
  financier now in the second year of his sentence. I have known men call
• 7:16:14
  upon mister Todd with the express intention of horse whipping him, and go away
• 7:16:19
  half an hour later, laughing heartily and smoking one of his cigars. To
• 7:16:25
  mister Todd, it would have been child's play to speak a few impromptu words
• 7:16:30
  to a schoolroom full of young ladies. In fact, before he had finished,
• 7:16:34
  he would probably have induced them to invest all their pocket money in one
• 7:16:40
  of his numerous companies. But to mister Wooster it was plainly an ordeal of
• 7:16:45
  the worst description. He gave one look at the young ladies, who were
• 7:16:51
  all staring at him in an extremely unwinking manner, then blinked and started to
• 7:16:56
  pick feebly at his coat sleeve. His aspect reminded me of that of a
• 7:17:02
  bashful young man who persuaded, against his better judgment, to go on the
• 7:17:07
  platform and assist a conjuror in his entertainment, suddenly discovers that rabbits and hard
• 7:17:14
  boiled eggs are being taken out of the top of his head. The proceedings
• 7:17:18
  opened with a short but graceful speech of introduction from Miss Tomlinson. Girls,
• 7:17:26
  said Miss Tomlinson, some of you have already met mister Wooster, mister Bertram
• 7:17:32
  Wooster, and you all, I hope know him by reputation. Here I
• 7:17:37
  regret to say. Mister Wooster gave a hideous, gurgling laugh, and catching
• 7:17:44
  Miss Tomlinson's eye, turned a bright scarlet. Miss Tomlinson resumed, he has
• 7:17:51
  very kindly consented to say a few words to you before he leaves, and
• 7:17:55
  I am sure that you will all give him your very earnest attention now please.
• 7:18:03
  She gave a spacious gesture with her right hand as she said the last
• 7:18:07
  two words, and mister Wooster, apparently under the impression that they were addressed
• 7:18:11
  to him, cleared his throat and began to speak. But it appeared that
• 7:18:18
  her remark was directed to the young ladies and was in the nature of a
• 7:18:22
  cue or signal, for she had no sooner spoken to them than the whole
• 7:18:26
  school rose to its feet in a body and burst into a species of chant,
• 7:18:33
  of which I am glad to say I remember the words, though the
• 7:18:36
  tune eludes me. The words ran as follows, Many greetings to you,
• 7:18:44
  many greetings to you, many greetings, dear stranger, many greetings, many
• 7:18:49
  greetings, many greetings to you, many greetings to you, to you.
• 7:18:56
  Considerable latitude of choice was given to the singers in the matter of key,
• 7:19:03
  and there was little of what I might call cooperative effort. Each child went
• 7:19:07
  on till she had reached the end, then stopped and waited for the stragglers
• 7:19:12
  to come up. It was an unusual performance, and I personally found it
• 7:19:18
  extremely exhilarating. It seemed to smite mister Wooster. However, like a blow.
• 7:19:26
  He recoiled a couple of steps and flung up an arm defensively. Then
• 7:19:32
  the uproar died away, and an air of expectancy fell upon the room.
• 7:19:37
  Miss Tomlinson directed a brightly authoritative gaze upon mister Wooster, and he blinked,
• 7:19:44
  gulped once or twice, and tottered forward. Well, you know, he
• 7:19:51
  said. Then it seemed to strike him that this opening lacked the proper formal
• 7:19:56
  dignity. Ladies. A silvery peal of laughter from the front row stopped him
• 7:20:03
  again, Girls, said Miss Tomlinson. She spoke in a low, soft
• 7:20:10
  voice, but the effect was immediate. Perfect stillness instantly descended upon all present.
• 7:20:18
  I am bound to say that brief as my acquaintance with Miss Tomlinson had
• 7:20:22
  been. I could recall few women I had admired more she had grip.
• 7:20:29
  I fancy that Miss Tomlinson had gaged mister Wooster's oratorical capabilities pretty correctly by this
• 7:20:37
  time, and had come to the conclusion that little in the way of a
• 7:20:41
  stirring address was to be expected from him. Perhaps, she said, as
• 7:20:48
  it is getting late and he has not very much time to spare, mister
• 7:20:52
  Wooster, will just give you some little word of advice which may be helpful
• 7:20:56
  to you in after life, and then we will sing school's song and disperse
• 7:21:00
  to our evening lessons. She looked at mister Wooster. He passed a finger
• 7:21:07
  round the inside of his collar. Advice after life what, well, I
• 7:21:12
  don't know, just some brief word of counsel, mister Wooster, said Miss
• 7:21:18
  Tomlinson firmly. Oh well, well, yes, well, it was painful
• 7:21:26
  to see mister Wooster's brain endeavoring to work. Well, I'll tell you something
• 7:21:32
  that's often done me a bit of good, and it's a thing not many
• 7:21:36
  people know. My old uncle Henry gave me the tip when I first came
• 7:21:40
  to London, never forget my boy. He said that if you stand outside
• 7:21:45
  Romano's in the strand you can see the clock on the wall of the law
• 7:21:49
  courts down in Fleet Street. Most people who don't know don't believe it's possible,
• 7:21:56
  because there are a couple of churches in the middle of the road,
• 7:21:59
  and you would think they would be in the way. But you can,
• 7:22:02
  and it's worth knowing. You can win a lot of money betting on it
• 7:22:06
  with fellows who haven't found it out. And by Jove, he was perfectly
• 7:22:11
  right, and it's a thing to remember. Many a quid have I,
• 7:22:15
  Miss Tomlinson gave a hard, dry cough, and he stopped in the middle
• 7:22:19
  of a sentence. Perhaps it will be better, mister Wooster, she said,
• 7:22:26
  in a cold, even voice, if you were to tell my girls
• 7:22:30
  some little story. What you say is no doubt extremely interesting, but perhaps
• 7:22:37
  a little oh ah, yes, said mister Wooster, story story. He
• 7:22:44
  appeared completely distraught. Poor young gentleman, I wonder if you've heard the one
• 7:22:49
  about the stockbroker and the chorus girl. We will now sing the school song,
• 7:22:56
  said Miss Tomlinson, rising like an iceberg. I decided not to remain
• 7:23:02
  for the singing of the school song. It seemed probable to me that mister
• 7:23:06
  Wooster would shortly be requiring the car, so I made my way back to
• 7:23:11
  the stable yard to be in readiness. I had not long to wait.
• 7:23:15
  In a very few moments, he appeared, tottering. Mister Wooster's is not
• 7:23:21
  one of those inscrutable faces which it is impossible to read. On the contrary,
• 7:23:26
  it is a limpid pool in which is mirrored each passing emotion. I
• 7:23:32
  could read it now like a book, and his first words were very much
• 7:23:36
  of the lines I had anticipated. Jeeves, he said, hoarsely, is
• 7:23:41
  that damned car mended yet? Just this moment? Sir, I've been working
• 7:23:47
  on it assiduously. Then, for Heaven's sake, let's go. But I
• 7:23:52
  understand that you were to address the young ladies. Sir, Oh, I've
• 7:23:56
  done that, responded mister Wooster, blinking twice with extraordinary rapidity. Yes,
• 7:24:03
  I've done that. It was a success, I hope, sir. Oh,
• 7:24:07
  yes, oh, yes, most extraordinarily successful. Went like a breeze.
• 7:24:11
  But er, I think I may as well be going no use outstaying
• 7:24:15
  ones welcome what assuredly not, sir. I had climbed into my seat and
• 7:24:22
  was about to start the engine when voices made themselves heard, and at the
• 7:24:26
  first sound of them, mister Wooster sprang with almost incredible nimbleness into the tonneau.
• 7:24:33
  And when I glanced round, he was on the floor, covering himself
• 7:24:37
  with a rug. The last I saw of him was a pleading eye.
• 7:24:41
  Have you seen mister Wooster? My man? Miss Tomlinson had entered the stable
• 7:24:47
  yard accompanied by a lady of I should say, judging from her accent French
• 7:24:52
  origin, No, Madame. The French lady uttered some exclamation in her native
• 7:24:57
  tongue. Is anything wrong, madame? I inquired Miss Tomlinson's in normal mood?
• 7:25:04
  Was I should be disposed to imagine a lady who would not readily confine
• 7:25:10
  her troubles to the ear of a Gentleman's gentleman, however sympathetic his aspect.
• 7:25:15
  That she did so now was sufficient indication of the depth to which she was
• 7:25:21
  stirred. Yes, there is. Mademoiselle has just found several of the girls
• 7:25:26
  smoking cigarettes in the shrubbery. When questioned, they stated that mister Wooster had
• 7:25:32
  given them the horrid things. She turned. He must be in the garden
• 7:25:36
  somewhere, or in the house. I think the man is out of his
• 7:25:38
  senses, Come mademoiselle. It must have been about a minute later that mister
• 7:25:45
  Wooster poked his head out of the rug like a tortoise. Jeeves, sir,
• 7:25:52
  get a move on, start her up, get going, and keep
• 7:25:55
  going. I applied my foot to the self starter. It would perhaps be
• 7:26:00
  safest to drive carefully until we are out of the school grounds, Sir,
• 7:26:04
  I said, I might run over one of the young ladies. Sir,
• 7:26:10
  well, what's the objection to that, demanded mister Wooster with extraordinary bitterness,
• 7:26:15
  or even miss Tomlinson, Sir, don't, said mister Wooster wistfully. You
• 7:26:22
  make my mouth water, Jeeves, said mister Wooster when I brought him his
• 7:26:30
  whiskey and siphon one night about a week later. This is dash it jolly,
• 7:26:36
  sir, jolly, cozy and pleasant. You know. I mean,
• 7:26:41
  looking at the clock and wondering if you're going to be late with the good
• 7:26:44
  old drinks, and then you coming in with the tray always on time,
• 7:26:48
  never a minute late, and shoving it down on the table and biffing off,
• 7:26:53
  And the next night coming in and shoving it down and biffing off,
• 7:26:57
  and the next night I I mean, gives you a sort of safe,
• 7:27:02
  RESTful feeling soothing. That's the word soothing, yes, sir. Oh.
• 7:27:08
  By the way, sir, well, have you succeeded in finding a suitable
• 7:27:15
  house yet, sir? House? What do you mean house? I understood,
• 7:27:22
  sir, that it was your intention to give up the flat and take
• 7:27:25
  a house of sufficient size to enable you to have your sister, Missus Schofield,
• 7:27:30
  and her three young ladies to live with you. Mister Wooster shuddered strongly.
• 7:27:36
  That's off, Jeeves, he said. Very good, sir, I replied,