Latest / Success Story with Scott Clary / Lessons - You Have 40 Visits Left With Your Parents (Scott)

Transcript

Lessons - You Have 40 Visits Left With Your Parents (Scott) · Success Story with Scott Clary

• 0:00
  In this lessons episode, we're talking about the math that nobody wants to do.
• 0:03
  How much time you actually have left with the people that you love?
• 0:06
  If you've been telling yourself, there's always next year to visit your parents.
• 0:09
  If you assume you have decades left, when you might only have a dozen visits,
• 0:13
  if you've let geography or busy schedules make all of your relationship decisions for you,
• 0:18
  this one's for you. I'll show you why you've already spent 90% of the time you will ever spend
• 0:23
  with your parents. But the actual numbers look like when you do the math and how to make conscious
• 0:27
  choices about how you spend time with your loved ones. So when you do spend time with them,
• 0:32
  you can be intentional, fully there, and just present.
• 0:39
  You want to hear something messed up. By the time you're 35,
• 0:43
  you're going to have experienced 90% plus of the total time that you will ever have with most
• 0:50
  people who actually matter to you. Let me explain how this math makes sense.
• 0:54
  Last week, I was interviewing a CEO for my podcast when we got onto the topic of work,
• 0:59
  life balance. And I mentioned something that I'd read from Tim Urban. He's a blogger.
• 1:03
  Once you move out of your parents house, you've already spent about 90% of the total time
• 1:09
  that you'll ever spend with them. And my guest, the CEO, he stopped mid-sentence. He's like,
• 1:14
  that can't be right. So we did the math together. His parents were 74. He was 47. He saw them every
• 1:19
  other month for a weekend. And after pulling out his calculator, he went pale. 48. That's the
• 1:25
  number. 48. He figured it out on his calculator. If he was lucky, he would have 48 more visits
• 1:32
  with his parents before they passed away. And we finished up the interview. He cancelled
• 1:37
  everything that he had on that afternoon. And he drove straight to his parents house.
• 1:41
  And we were texting later that evening. And he texted me a photo from his parents dining room.
• 1:45
  He said, I just drove three hours to see them. It was worth it. Now, let's talk about how this
• 1:49
  calculation actually works. So I just said 90% of your time is gone. Sounds like clickbait,
• 1:55
  but the math is actually surprisingly straightforward and scary. Let's say you're 35 and your parents
• 2:01
  are 70 years old. So for the first 18 years of your life from being born to 18 years old,
• 2:06
  you lived with your parents, right? So even if we conservatively estimate that you spent just
• 2:11
  three hours of quality time together per day, say meals, conversations, homework, help,
• 2:15
  driving places, that's about 1095 hours per year. Over 18 years, that's 19,700 and 10 hours.
• 2:22
  And to be honest, three hours is probably low. You think about weekends,
• 2:26
  number of vacations, family trips, the real number is probably much higher. After you move
• 2:30
  out, if you're like most people, this was the dramatic shift, right? So college meant seeing
• 2:35
  them on breaks, maybe 60 days a year at first, and then you got a job, then you met someone,
• 2:40
  and you had kids of your own. So now you see them what? Like once a month, if you live nearby,
• 2:44
  every few months, if you're across the country, and let's be generous and say it's 10 days per year
• 2:49
  total, holidays, birthdays, occasional visits. And during those visits, between work calls and
• 2:54
  managing your own kids and the general chaos of life, maybe you get six hours of real quality
• 3:00
  time per day. So that's 60 hours per year. And if your parents lift 85, 15 more years, that's 900
• 3:06
  hours remaining. So that means that your total lifetime hours are 20,610 hours with your parents.
• 3:12
  You've already spent 19,700 and 10 hours with them. So the percentage that you've already used
• 3:18
  is 95.6%. Now, these numbers are going to vary based on your situation. Maybe you call every day,
• 3:24
  maybe you live next door, maybe you're estranged, but for most people who've moved away from home,
• 3:29
  the pattern is identical. The vast majority of time with your parents happens in the first 18 years.
• 3:35
  Now, when I first speak about this math, people push back right away. And the responses are very
• 3:40
  predictable, right? But I talk to my mom every day or we're closer now than when I was a teenager,
• 3:45
  or quality matters more than quantity. All true and all missing the point. A daily phone call is
• 3:50
  wonderful. It maintains a connection, the emotional intimacy, the shared life, but a 10 minute call
• 3:57
  isn't the same as living in the same house. It's not breakfast together before school. It's not
• 4:02
  teaching you how to drive. It's not falling asleep on the couch watching movies. See, the
• 4:07
  relationship might be better now. Many people grow closer to their parents as adults, but closer
• 4:12
  doesn't mean more time. You can have a deeper relationship with less actual contact. In fact,
• 4:16
  that's what most of us have, but you still have less time with them. Now, here's something that I
• 4:22
  actually didn't understand until very recently. Time moves differently depending on where you are in
• 4:28
  life. So this is also something that is a little bit scary to think about. When you're 10, a year
• 4:33
  is 10% of your entire existence. So summer vacation feels endless. And the school it drags on forever
• 4:39
  because again, it's such a significant amount of your existence. When you're 40, a year is 2.5%
• 4:46
  of your life. So you blink and your kid went from crawling to kindergarten, but here's the cruel part.
• 4:51
  While time speeds up for you, it's racing for your parents. So your mom is 70. The next five years
• 4:58
  represent a huge chunk of her remaining life. Her health could change, her memory could fade,
• 5:03
  her energy is definitely going to decline. Now, you're 40. So the next five years, you barely
• 5:08
  notice them pass. Your life is busy, full demanding. You are in the thick of career and kids and
• 5:13
  mortgage payments. And this asymmetry creates this very painful gap. The years when your parents need
• 5:18
  you most, their 70s and their 80s are the exact years when you're busiest with your own life.
• 5:24
  And there's another problem on top of this time asymmetry. Let's talk about geography. In 1940,
• 5:29
  90% of Americans died in the same state where they were born. Today, that's less than 60%.
• 5:35
  We're more mobile than ever. And that mobility has a cost that we don't usually calculate. So if you
• 5:41
  live next door to your parents, which is becoming increasingly rare, you might see them multiple times
• 5:46
  per week. Like quick dinners, weekend coffees, they watch the kids say, call it 100 plus days per
• 5:52
  year of contact. Which would mean you get a lot more time than that math I just did. You live in the
• 5:56
  same city, 30 minutes away. That means weekly dinners become biweekly, monthly becomes every month,
• 6:01
  and you're down to 40, 50 days per year. If you live in a different city, maybe say a two-hour drive,
• 6:06
  well now it requires planning. So we can visit every month or two holidays, maybe 20 to 30 days per
• 6:12
  year. If you're in a different state, there's a flight required, well everything becomes an event.
• 6:16
  Thanksgiving, Christmas, maybe a summer vacation, and you're at 10 to 15 days per year if you're
• 6:21
  diligent. And if you're in a different country, you might see them once or twice a year, a week,
• 6:26
  each time if you're lucky. So each jump in distance roughly halves your contact. Once you need a
• 6:32
  plane ticket, spontaneous visits disappear entirely. And more and more people are living, again,
• 6:38
  not down the street from their parents. Now, once you start to understand this framework,
• 6:42
  you're going to see it in all your relationships. So your children, you get about 18 years of daily
• 6:48
  contact. That is roughly 6,570 days. And after they move out, if you see them weekly, and you won't,
• 6:55
  once they have their own families, that's 52 days a year. You'll spend more time with them in their
• 6:59
  first five years than in the 30 years after they turn 20. But that could be healthy. Your kids
• 7:05
  need to build their own lives. The reduction in time often correlates with their own growth
• 7:10
  into independence, but just know that there will be less time. Just be aware of it and savor and
• 7:14
  be present with your siblings, right? You share 18 years under one roof, probably annoying each other
• 7:20
  daily, and then everyone scatters. Holiday gatherings, weddings, maybe a shared vacation, the siblings
• 7:25
  you fought with every day become someone who you see 10 times a year. And then sometimes that
• 7:31
  distance improves the relationship. You become friends instead of forced roommates. But again,
• 7:36
  just be present when you have that time with them. College friends, right? Four years of basically
• 7:41
  living together, every meal is shared, every stupid decision made together at 2 a.m., and then
• 7:46
  graduation hits, and you'll scatter to different cities and different careers and different lives.
• 7:51
  And the group chat stays active, but the actual gatherings twice a year if you're exceptional
• 7:57
  at planning. And then the work friends, right? You spend more waking hours with colleagues
• 8:02
  than family. Five days a week, eight hours a day for years. And then someone gets a new job,
• 8:08
  and then you never see them again for the rest of your life, right? That person who you ate lunch
• 8:11
  with 200 times a year becomes someone who maybe you text them on their birthday. And this isn't meant
• 8:17
  to be tragic. It's just meant to be something you're aware of. Some relationships are meant to be
• 8:21
  intense, but temporary. Others are meant to be occasional, but permanent. The problem is,
• 8:26
  we don't usually choose consciously. We just let geography and circumstance and time and life decide.
• 8:32
  And I think it's just really important to be purposeful, and to understand that when you're with
• 8:36
  somebody, be with them, be present, because there's a chance that that's going to be the last time
• 8:41
  that you're with that person, or at the very least, the last time where you spend as much time
• 8:46
  with that person. Now, I've shared this idea with hundreds of podcast guests, thousands of
• 8:50
  newsletter readers, friends, family, and the response falls into very predictable categories,
• 8:56
  right? So there's sort of four ways to respond to this information, because it is heavy information.
• 9:01
  Group one denies it, right? There are about 30% of people say, well, this is too depressing
• 9:05
  to think about. They change nothing. They're the same people who don't look at their credit card
• 9:09
  statements, and then they wonder why they're in debt. Second group of people is panic, right?
• 9:13
  But 15% of people panic, right? I need to quit my job, move back home, right? And they make
• 9:16
  these dramatic, unsustainable changes, and they last for about three months for reality sets in,
• 9:21
  because you can't actually pause your entire life, and your parents don't want you to. Group three,
• 9:26
  third group is guilt, about 40% of people feel guilty as hell. I'm a terrible son and daughter,
• 9:31
  and they spiral into this self-recrimination, but they don't actually change anything. They just
• 9:36
  feel bad every time they see their parents, which makes them want to visit less, which makes them
• 9:40
  feel worse. And the last group is adjustment. About 15% of people actually understand what this
• 9:45
  means, and they're more intentional with the time they have with the people that they love, and
• 9:49
  they make these small, very specific, sustainable changes. And the fourth group, this adjustment
• 9:55
  group, it interests me most. This is how I think most people should react to the information that
• 10:01
  they only have a finite amount of time with the people that they actually love left. So what does
• 10:05
  this group do? They schedule regular calls, and they treat them as unmovable appointments. Not just,
• 10:10
  oh, hopefully we jump on a call this week, and no, it is something that is set in stone. They put
• 10:15
  their phones away during visits, completely away, not just face down. They plan regular trips,
• 10:19
  instead of vague, we should get together trips. They say yes to invitations, they normally skip. They
• 10:24
  ask more questions, especially about the past. They show interest in people who they love. They
• 10:30
  record conversations, they take more photos, they save voice mails, and they move closer, not next
• 10:35
  door, but maybe from a plane ride to a car ride, and they include their parents in their life,
• 10:40
  instead of just visiting their parents' life. Small changes. But when you only have 900 hours left,
• 10:46
  an extra phone call per week, that's 26 hours per year, is nearly 3% of your remaining time.
• 10:52
  Now, if you really want to feel the weight of these numbers, go visit a nursing home. This is
• 10:56
  what you're going to hear. You're going to hear things like, my son lives 20 minutes away,
• 11:00
  I see him on Christmas, or my daughter is very busy, very important job. I understand,
• 11:04
  or the grandkids probably don't remember me. It's been a few years, and the saddest part is
• 11:09
  the adult children probably think they're doing well. They usually think they're doing well. If you ask
• 11:15
  these people in the nursing home, if you ask their kids, how is their relationship with their
• 11:21
  parents? They're going to say things like, well, I call every month, or I visit on holidays. Every
• 11:25
  month, holidays. To someone was maybe 20 months left. If you do the math, I broke this down for
• 11:31
  somebody in my grandma's nursing home, and a resident actually did the math for me. She said,
• 11:36
  I have maybe 500 days left. My daughter visits four times a year. That's maybe 10 more visits.
• 11:41
  10 more times, I'll see my only child before I die. She thinks she's doing great because she calls
• 11:47
  on my birthday. I'm not telling you these numbers or asking you to do this math so you can be sad and
• 11:54
  depressed. I'm not telling you to quit your job and move back to your hometown. I'm not saying you
• 11:58
  should feel guilty about living your own life. I'm not even saying you need to change anything.
• 12:02
  Some people genuinely need distance from their families, and some relationships are toxic. Some
• 12:07
  parents were absent. Some parents were abusive. Some families function better with space. If that's
• 12:11
  you, the math doesn't apply the same way, and that's okay. But if you have parents who you love,
• 12:17
  and who love you, and you're operating under the assumption that there's always next year,
• 12:21
  well, maybe there is, but not as many years as you think. So the question shouldn't be,
• 12:26
  how do I maximize every relationship? Question is, am I making conscious choices about how I spend
• 12:32
  my time, or am I letting life make those choices for me? So if you're listening to this, and this is
• 12:38
  concerning to you, here's a few practical things that actually work. After years of conversations about
• 12:43
  this topic, these are some changes you can make in your life that people actually stick with. So
• 12:48
  the Sunday call, pick a time every week, same time. Don't negotiate with yourself, don't skip it
• 12:52
  when you're busy, especially don't skip it when you're busy. Monthly visit, if you live within
• 12:55
  driving distance, again, kind of like the call, pick a day, first Saturday, last Sunday, whatever,
• 13:00
  make it recurring, the regularity matters more than the frequency. The grandkids face time,
• 13:05
  if you have kids and distant parents, set up a weekly video call, same time every week, even if it's
• 13:09
  just 10 minutes, your parents don't care if the kids are crankier if the house is a mess. Also,
• 13:13
  you can do a question project. So every time you visit, ask about something specific from the past,
• 13:18
  record the answer, you can say things like, tell me about your first job, how did you meet your best
• 13:22
  friend? What was your dad like? These stories disappear when people die, and also shared activity,
• 13:28
  find something to do together, watch the same TV show and discuss it, read the same book, follow
• 13:32
  the same sports team, share something beyond just updates about your life, and the preemptive yes,
• 13:38
  when they invite you to something, default to yes instead of no. You can always cancel if you
• 13:43
  really need to, but starting with yes, changes the dynamic. So after listening to this, I want you
• 13:49
  to try something. I want you to pick one relationship that really matters to you and be specific.
• 13:53
  You could be your parent, your sister, your brother doesn't matter. How old are they right now?
• 13:56
  And how often do you see them? And be honest, how many hours do you visit when you actually connect?
• 14:01
  And then based on average life expectancy, how many years do they have left? And then multiply
• 14:06
  visits per year times remaining years. And that's your number. Write it down. The actual number,
• 14:11
  not the lots of time left, but write down approximately 73 more visits if that's your number.
• 14:16
  And then ask yourself, am I okay with this? If yes, good. Now you know you've made a conscious
• 14:21
  choice. If no, then what specifically are you going to do to change? It's not spend more time
• 14:26
  together, but it could be visit monthly instead of quarterly, or it could be call weekly instead of
• 14:32
  monthly, or it could be move to the same city by next year. The vague intentions don't change
• 14:36
  anything, but knowing you have 73 visits instead of decades, that might change something.
• 14:41
  So this leads us to the truth that really nobody wants to talk about. Your parents also probably
• 14:46
  think about this more than you do. They're doing their own math. They know their friends are dying.
• 14:50
  They feel that their bodies are changing. They see their time horizon, but they won't tell you.
• 14:53
  They don't want to guilt you. They don't want to be a burden. They're proud of your busy life.
• 14:57
  Your important job, your beautiful family. So they wait for your calls and they cherish your visits,
• 15:02
  and they pretend they're not disappointed when you cancel. But you know what? Your mom's counting,
• 15:06
  your dad's counting, your grandma and grandpa. They're still alive. They're counting. They're all
• 15:10
  counting. Look, time is going to pass either way. The math is going to work out however it works out.
• 15:15
  You can know the numbers or not know them, but they're still there and they take away in the
• 15:19
  background. The difference is consciousness. Knowing that this might be one of only 40 more
• 15:24
  Christmases changes how you experience Christmas. Knowing this might be one of only 100 more phone calls
• 15:30
  changes how you handle the call. It doesn't mean every interaction has to be profound. It doesn't mean
• 15:35
  you need to cry every time you say goodbye. It just means you're awake to what's happening. Because
• 15:40
  one day, and this is the only guarantee in life, one day it will be the last time, the last visit,
• 15:47
  the last call, the last I love you. And when that day comes, you're either going to think I'm so
• 15:52
  grateful for the time we had or you're going to think I wish I'd known how little time there was.
• 15:58
  The math doesn't care which one you choose, but you will. The clock's ticking either way. At least
• 16:03
  now you know how fast.