Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #57: I’m an Adult, You Can’t Tell Me What To Do or Can You?

Transcript

#57: I’m an Adult, You Can’t Tell Me What To Do or Can You? · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Shari Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: If there is one statement that an adult child says that shuts more parents down than any other, it's this.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an adult.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can't tell me what to do.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Whether they're waving their finger at you, crossing their arms in defiance, or shouting it as they storm off, it will instantly trigger you into having either a full-blown meltdown or leave you feeling exasperated and completely speechless.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: How does this adult child, and yes, the title is most fitting, have the audacity to talk to you like that when you have done nothing but love them, emotionally support them, and are probably paying their bills and providing all the comforts that a human could possibly need.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: If anyone deserves to lose their shit and exit stage left, it is you.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know I would.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps in a parallel universe, you and I would completely unleash on them, spewing our incredulous retorts, the likes of which they would never see coming.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: But we are wise enough, mature enough, and composed enough to know that outburst would yield the worst reaction imaginable, earning us nothing but days of silent treatment, with no further progress for the simple request that we asked.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Best you save that explosive venting to someone who can listen with compassion and not judgment.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you have a person in your life like that.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: If not, find one.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because keeping that inside, how your adult child can throw that fundamentally inaccurate statement in your face when there isn't anything adult-like about their lifestyle is beyond acceptable and would leave my stomach in knots.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Today, I'm going to share a bit of wisdom, and then I'll offer you a suggestion on how to handle it to ensure that those words will never be uttered again.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because one thing is certain saying I'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do has to stop for once and for all.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: This won't be a very long episode because, well, let's be honest, I know, both personally and professionally, that declaration is absolutely delusional and is based in as much reality as when your five-year-old was standing there with their little luggage in hand yelling, I'm leaving and never coming back.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that was entertaining.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Watching this mini-human declaring their independence and intolerance of their unbearable living situation.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And all because you said no, or not now, I suppose it's better than having them throw a full-on temper tantrum in the mall.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: At least in your home, this Oscar-worthy scene was humorous.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And watching them march down the street, looking back every 10 steps, sort of made you love them a little more because of how strong-willed they were.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's quite lofty for such a small person to think they could actually survive without you.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Really not that different than the ridiculous statement coming from your 20-something year old who's living the life of Riley, no job, no school, accomplishing nothing other than leaving dishes in their room, an unmade bed, a month of clothes strewn everywhere, using their unlimited cell phone and paid-for computer, hiding away like an entitled recluse under your roof with not a lick of adulting responsibilities.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now that is not funny at all.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's ironic that they never storm out of the house with their luggage dragging behind them because, well, just like the five-year-old, they have nowhere to go.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And unless your credit card is in their wallet, they probably couldn't even afford to buy a dozen eggs.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: But they're an adult and you can't tell them what to do.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: That has got to be the most flawed and absurd assertion ever.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And yet it is thrown in the faces of some of the most kind-hearted parents I have ever met.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Should I talk about why they feel so powerless in their home?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: What they're so afraid of?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why they struggle to communicate, set boundaries, and parent them in the way they need to be?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think you know the answers, but here they are anyway.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's because over time, something has weakened their position as a parent.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: For many, it began in childhood, where they learned that staying quiet or keeping the peace was safer than speaking up.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: For others, it developed later in life after years of conflict, guilt, and emotional exhaustion.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: If your adult child escalates quickly, speaks with certainty, or shuts down, you learn that there is no point in talking.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: So you retreat because every attempt to lead feels like it backfires.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And on top of all this is the false belief that once your child turns 18, you no longer have authority in spite of how dependent they are.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why so many parents remain painfully silent, because they are so uncomfortable, they will do anything to not poke the bear.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I want to share something personal for a moment, because it matters here.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up with a parent who did not know how to handle conflict.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: When I pushed back or defended myself, she became flustered and overwhelmed.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't have the words.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't have the tools.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Her way of ending conflict was to shut it down abruptly, oftentimes with a slap across my face.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then she'd walk away.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: That experience taught me something important.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: When parents don't know how to hold their ground calmly, they default to whatever stops the discomfort fastest.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's yelling, sometimes it's walking away.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes, especially with adult children, it's silence.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, we've stopped physically hurting them.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: But don't kid yourself.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: When your adult child shouts, I'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do, and you shut down or retreat.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Something is still being taught.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Your silence becomes the strategy that perpetuates the cycle of powerlessness.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Your confidence is gone.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Your respect is in the gutter.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the message they receive is clear.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing has to change.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not with their behavior, their responsibilities, and certainly not with their life.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly how families stay stuck.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So let's change that.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: The first step is questioning the belief that shuts parents down every time.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because we need to be honest about where this idea of adulthood is even coming from.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why do these defensive and ungrateful kids think even for one second that they're on the precipice of adulthood?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is it because the law says they are?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're allowed to vote?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because their doctor is no longer permitted to share medical information with you?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, that doesn't cut it.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not when they're entirely dependent on their parents, doing so little with their lives that they don't even set an alarm because there's no reason to wake up before noon.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's not what an adult is.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not by a long shot.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, the next time that unfounded claim is thrown at you merely to deflect whatever you're asking of them, my suggestion is that you walk away and never ever address it again.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And here's why you won't need to.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: In the body of the email, you're going to ask your adult child to provide a detailed explanation of what being an adult means, including the life skills, life experiences, financial, household, occupational, and personal responsibilities involved, and don't forget to add in the emotional intelligence and maturity that go along with that role.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: If they don't reply, then you ask them that they respectfully never use that statement again until the day that it is finally true.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: If they do respond, then you can reply with this.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for sharing your opinion of what an adult means to you.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I want us to be aligned on this because the words I am an adult often comes up when you feel you are being told what to do, and that is not my goal.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to be very clear.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Adulthood is not something you declare just because you're over 18.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is something you demonstrate.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Being an adult does not mean living without expectations or obligations.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Adulthood is defined by responsibility, contribution, and self-management, not by age.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, you are living with me, and in this home, adulthood means contributing, participating, and taking ownership of your life instead of expecting me to manage everything for you.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's about being involved and showing up rather than opting out and living like a hermit in your room.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: It also includes thinking about your future, even if you don't yet know exactly what that looks like.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be clear about something else.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I did not lose the right to set conditions or requirements in this home simply because you're over the age of 18.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: When I share my expectations for how I want to live in this house, this is not about controlling you.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's how living together works, especially when I'm still supporting you and providing all of your needs.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent a lot of time thinking about what's going on in this house.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your lifestyle, your isolation, and your lack of interest in building a life for yourself are not healthy.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: I am not controlling you.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am simply changing the conditions in this home and what I am willing to accept from now on.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I would like us to sit down, have an adult-like conversation, and talk about these expectations.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to hear what you're prepared to do.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: But doing nothing is not an option any longer.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're also welcome to tell me what you feel as an adult you should be doing for yourself and as a member in this home.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And there is nothing I want more than to see you become an adult, not just because of your age, but in how you live your life.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Signed mom or dad or both.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to use this exact script, I've put it in the show notes.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is for you to use.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: If your adult child has repeatedly said, I'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it has shut you down every single time because you have never known how to respond.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: As we wrap up, I want to reiterate that you are not controlling them just by setting conditions in your home, for expecting participation and responsibility, or for wanting your adult child to live a fuller, more purposeful life.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you did not lose your parenting authority just because they reached a certain age.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Being an adult means learning how to manage life, take on responsibility, handle setbacks, and live in the world and not their bedroom.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: To help them move forward requires that you play an active role in that process, even when it's uncomfortable.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Silence, avoidance, and backing down will not preserve your connection.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: It shuts it down and keeps your family stuck.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Parents like yourself were never prepared for this difficult stage of parenting.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: It requires learning a completely different skill set and not letting your confidence and leadership slip away.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you want support, learning how to communicate effectively, hold boundaries that enable their growth, and lead your adult child toward real independence, this is the work I do.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to figure this out alone, and you don't have to keep living like this.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can make progress, you can help them move forward, and you can do it with clarity, confidence, and respect.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this episode a bit hard to hear, well, maybe it's because you needed it.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe my style is too straightforward and you'd prefer a softer approach, and that's fair.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm doing this to give you permission to level up your parenting, to regain your confidence, and to finally give you the words that should have been said a long time ago.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.