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Andy Stanley - Love Dates Heartbreaks Part 5 Learning From Past Relationship Mistakes · Andy Stanley Sermons

0:01
Speaker 1: So today we are in part five of our series Love,
0:04
Speaker 1: Dates and heart Breaks, And if you haven't been with us,
0:08
Speaker 1: this is a series for anybody who is in love,
0:09
Speaker 1: trying to stay in love, hoping to fall in love, dating,
0:12
Speaker 1: dating again, thinking about dating, thinking about dating again, scared
0:17
Speaker 1: to death to date again, because you've heard how complicated
0:19
Speaker 1: it is, and we talked about that last time. Also,
0:22
Speaker 1: the reason I love this series is because I get
0:24
Speaker 1: to talk about something that breaks my heart. And everybody
0:26
Speaker 1: should know what breaks their heart, and you should pay
0:28
Speaker 1: attention to what breaks your heart. That might be some
0:29
Speaker 1: direction for your life. But one of the things that
0:31
Speaker 1: breaks my heart is watching people make relationship decisions that
0:35
Speaker 1: actually undermine their relationships, either their relationship they're in now
0:39
Speaker 1: or a relationship they don't know about in the future
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Speaker 1: that they're undermining before they even get that they get
0:43
Speaker 1: there because of decisions that they've made. So so far
0:45
Speaker 1: in the series, we've talked about the two myths. We
0:47
Speaker 1: talked about the right person myth that if once you
0:49
Speaker 1: meet the right person, everything will be all right, including
0:52
Speaker 1: you wrong. It's a myth. We talked about the promise
0:55
Speaker 1: myth that a promise actually replaces the need for preparation
0:59
Speaker 1: that you have to prepare for work. You have to
1:01
Speaker 1: prepare academically, you have to prepare financially, you have to
1:04
Speaker 1: prepare in every area of life. And when it comes
1:06
Speaker 1: to relationships, you don't have to prepare. You just need
1:09
Speaker 1: a promise and a party. Right, I do have the party.
1:13
Speaker 1: We're good to go. But that's of course a myth.
1:15
Speaker 1: Then we looked at Jesus, a new testament, a new
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Speaker 1: brand command, this new covenant command that he gave for
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Speaker 1: everybody that would choose to be his followers, where he
1:24
Speaker 1: redefined love for us, and he said this, this is
1:27
Speaker 1: the kind of love that I want your lives to exemplify.
1:30
Speaker 1: My command is this, love each other, not as you've
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Speaker 1: been loved, not even as you want to be loved.
1:35
Speaker 1: You are to love as I have loved you. And
1:37
Speaker 1: if that's all we had, that's all we need. Because
1:41
Speaker 1: not too long after he made this statement, he laid
1:43
Speaker 1: down his life, not just for his friends, for his enemies,
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Speaker 1: for the whole world. And when he came back to life,
1:48
Speaker 1: his followers got it, and it's like, wow, this is
1:51
Speaker 1: a whole new thing. This isn't doing to others as
1:53
Speaker 1: you would have others doing to you. This is even
1:55
Speaker 1: better than that. We are to love other people the
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Speaker 1: way that God through Christ has loved. It's a whole
2:00
Speaker 1: nother kind of love. And when two people in a
2:03
Speaker 1: relationship embraced that brand of love, amazing things happen. But
2:07
Speaker 1: the Apostle Paul came along and said, you know what,
2:09
Speaker 1: I'm not sure it's enough, so let me tease that out.
2:12
Speaker 1: And he gave us the fine print, and we talked
2:14
Speaker 1: about the fine print, the fine print, and I want
2:17
Speaker 1: you to get it right this time, the fine print
2:18
Speaker 1: that will make you fine. That's right, the fine print
2:21
Speaker 1: that will make you fine. And then last time we
2:24
Speaker 1: were together, we talked about dating and we said it's complicated,
2:27
Speaker 1: and I gave you my five rules for dating. And
2:29
Speaker 1: if you weren't, he need to hear the five rules
2:31
Speaker 1: for dating. But disclaimer, I made them up. Okay, no scientists,
2:34
Speaker 1: no scientific, nothing scientific, no research. I just made them up.
2:38
Speaker 1: So that's love. And then we talked about dates, and
2:41
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about dating a little bit more today,
2:43
Speaker 1: but next week we're gonna come back and we're gonna
2:46
Speaker 1: talk about heartbreaks. So if you are in a season
2:49
Speaker 1: of heartbreak, or if you are beginning to realize that
2:52
Speaker 1: your relational dreams aren't gonna come true. If it's dawning
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Speaker 1: on you that your dreams for a relationship can't come true,
3:01
Speaker 1: then I don't want you to miss as we wrap
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Speaker 1: up this series next week. But I'll tell you more importantly,
3:06
Speaker 1: all of us probably know someone who's in the middle
3:08
Speaker 1: of a difficult relational transition, and I'm telling you, if
3:11
Speaker 1: you're their friend, do whatever you can to get them
3:13
Speaker 1: here next week or to have them watch online next week.
3:15
Speaker 1: As we wrap up Love Dates and Heartbreaks, today, I
3:18
Speaker 1: want to continue to talk about dating, however, and today
3:21
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about avoiding groundhog date. Avoiding groundhog date,
3:26
Speaker 1: and of course the groundhog date means that last one
3:28
Speaker 1: was kind of like the one before, and this one
3:30
Speaker 1: is feeling like the one that came even before that.
3:32
Speaker 1: We're going to talk a little bit for a few
3:33
Speaker 1: minutes about how to break the relationship habits that are
3:37
Speaker 1: breaking you, How to break the relationship habits that are
3:40
Speaker 1: breaking you, how to break those relationship habits that cause
3:42
Speaker 1: you to feel like, hey, this is starting to feel
3:44
Speaker 1: like the last relationship, or another way of saying it
3:47
Speaker 1: is how to date in a different direction, because, as
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Speaker 1: you've heard me say before, and you'll hear me say again,
3:52
Speaker 1: your direction, not your intention, determines your destination. Your direction,
3:58
Speaker 1: not your intention, determines your destination. And that's a principle
4:01
Speaker 1: that's pretty easy to embrace in most areas of life.
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Speaker 1: But for whatever reason, we'll talk about a few in
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Speaker 1: a few minutes. But for whatever reason, when it comes
4:08
Speaker 1: to relationships, we think that somehow we can continue moving
4:12
Speaker 1: in the direction and somehow it's going to result in
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Speaker 1: a different destination. And when every relationship ends the same,
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Speaker 1: ends the same, ends the same, at some point you
4:19
Speaker 1: have to realize, I think I'm moving in the wrong direction,
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Speaker 1: because it's direction that determines destination, not intention. And when
4:27
Speaker 1: it comes to relationships, somehow we overestimate the power of
4:30
Speaker 1: our intentions, but direction determines destinations. So we're going to
4:33
Speaker 1: talk about how to date in a different direction. The challenge,
4:36
Speaker 1: of course, is as in any area of life, but
4:39
Speaker 1: maybe especially with relationships, it's difficult to change directions. And
4:43
Speaker 1: part of the problem is part of the problem is this.
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Speaker 1: Part of the problem is we learn from our mistakes
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Speaker 1: and the arenas or the areas of life that matter least. Now,
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Speaker 1: I could talk a long time about this, but I'll
4:53
Speaker 1: just kind of leave this with you. You can talk about
4:55
Speaker 1: it over lunch or dinner, because there's so much truth
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Speaker 1: here that we learn from our mistakes in the areas
5:00
Speaker 1: that matter least, and we repeat our mistakes in the
5:02
Speaker 1: areas that matter most, which is so strange. So you
5:05
Speaker 1: finally figured out Twitter, you know, you finally figured out Instagram,
5:08
Speaker 1: you finally figured out social media. You made a whole
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Speaker 1: bunch of mistakes. It's like, wait, so everybody can see this? Yes, mom,
5:13
Speaker 1: everyone can see that. Okay, so you figure that out.
5:17
Speaker 1: If you've ever tried to put in a hard drive
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Speaker 1: and you blew one up or you know, shortened one out,
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Speaker 1: I mean, we we It's amazing we learn from our
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Speaker 1: mistakes and the areas that matter least, but we have
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Speaker 1: a tendency to repeat our mistakes and the arenas of
5:27
Speaker 1: life that matter most, especially when it comes to relationships. Now,
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Speaker 1: why is that, Well, I think there's several reasons. It's
5:35
Speaker 1: it's these myths that we've talked about, these relational myths
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Speaker 1: that sort of in the background of our thinking anytime
5:40
Speaker 1: you have an unexamined assumption in any area of life.
5:43
Speaker 1: An unexamined, unexamined assumption is a dangerous thing because an
5:47
Speaker 1: unexamined assumption will inform your decisions and inform the way
5:50
Speaker 1: you think. But if you're not sure of it, if
5:52
Speaker 1: you're not aware of the assumption that's driving your thinking,
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Speaker 1: you can come up with all kinds of crazy conclusions
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Speaker 1: about stuff. And when it comes to relationships, it's amazing
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Speaker 1: using the unexamined assumptions we carry into adulthood, oftentimes from childhood.
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Speaker 1: So we've talked about some myth. There's the experience myth.
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Speaker 1: The reason we repeat our mistakes relationally is the experienced myth.
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Speaker 1: Experience will make me wiser. That's a myth. Experience will
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Speaker 1: make you older. That's what experience does. Experience doesn't necessarily
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Speaker 1: make you wiser, It makes you older. Experience does not
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Speaker 1: guarantee that next time will be any different than the
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Speaker 1: last time. Experience does not guarantee that next time is
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Speaker 1: going to be any better than last time. Evaluated experience
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Speaker 1: is what makes us better. And you know what's so
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Speaker 1: interesting again, in the areas of life that matter least,
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Speaker 1: we evaluate our experience, and we learn from our experience.
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Speaker 1: Next time I do this, I'm going to do it differently.
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Speaker 1: When it comes to relationships, we do not evaluate our experience,
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Speaker 1: and I'll tell you why, because instead of evaluating this way,
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Speaker 1: we evaluate that way. Well, of course it didn't work out.
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Speaker 1: He's an idiot. Of course it didn't work out. She's crazy.
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Speaker 1: Well of course it didn't work out. He's just like
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Speaker 1: all the other guys. Well, of course it didn't work out.
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Speaker 1: She's just you know, she wants a ring and she
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Speaker 1: wants to know. I mean, of course it didn't work out.
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Speaker 1: So instead of evaluating our relational experience, we just blame.
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Speaker 1: And then there's the no better myth. This is huge.
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Speaker 1: The no better myth is since I know better, I'll
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Speaker 1: do better. That's just not true. So years ago, my daughter,
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Speaker 1: she was she was a senior in high school. She
7:26
Speaker 1: was spending time with some middle school girls and kind
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Speaker 1: of training, talking to them and sort of helping them
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Speaker 1: develop and talk about relationships. And she came home one
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Speaker 1: afternoon after spending some time with these eight middle school
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Speaker 1: girls and she said, Dad, you know what I learned today?
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Speaker 1: I said, what's that? She said, kids? Now she's only
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Speaker 1: a senior in high school. Kids. Kids, you know, you
7:43
Speaker 1: kind of go with it. Kids think that once they
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Speaker 1: know the difference between right and wrong, they're just automatically
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Speaker 1: going to do what's right. And you know what else, Dad,
7:50
Speaker 1: Kids think that if you know the difference between right
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Speaker 1: and wrong, you automatically have the ability to do the
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Speaker 1: right thing. I said. It's not just kids, it's human being.
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Speaker 1: We think that if we know the difference between right
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Speaker 1: and wrong, we will probably do what's right. And if
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Speaker 1: we know the difference between right and wrong, we automatically
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Speaker 1: have the self control and we automatically have the discipline
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Speaker 1: to do the right thing. But it's not true. So
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Speaker 1: here's what happens. You know this, when confronted with a mistake,
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Speaker 1: when confronted with a relationship failure, when confronted with something
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Speaker 1: you did wrong, what do we say? We say this,
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Speaker 1: I know, I know, I know, you know, in sinuating
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Speaker 1: that since I know, we don't have to talk about it,
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Speaker 1: Since I know, I don't need to read that stupid book,
8:33
Speaker 1: since I know, I don't have to go to church
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Speaker 1: with you. Since I know I know, I know, I know.
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Speaker 1: Because now that I know better, I'll do better. It's
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Speaker 1: a myth. Since I know better, I automatically have the
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Speaker 1: ability to do better. It's a myth because no better
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Speaker 1: does not equal do better. And here's the other myth.
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Speaker 1: It just causes us to kind of lose our mind relationally.
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Speaker 1: It's the time myth. The time myth is this especially
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Speaker 1: you know, if you're like twenty five, I mean you're
8:59
Speaker 1: practically ancient. If you're twenty five, that time is against me, right,
9:04
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not getting into younger, which is true.
9:06
Speaker 1: I'm not getting in younger. All everybody else my age,
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Speaker 1: all my friends. If I have to be in another wedding,
9:13
Speaker 1: I'm gonna scream if I hear about another friend getting engaged.
9:16
Speaker 1: I mean all my friends, you know, if all my
9:18
Speaker 1: friends are divorced. But everybody seems to be finding somebody.
9:20
Speaker 1: I'm not getting any younger. So the time, miss is
9:23
Speaker 1: that time is against me. But I have some friends.
9:26
Speaker 1: Andre and I have some friends. Are a couple, and
9:28
Speaker 1: it's a second marriage for him, it's a first marriage
9:30
Speaker 1: for her. And they spend a lot of time with
9:33
Speaker 1: couples that are moving into that season of life. Either
9:36
Speaker 1: it's a second marriage for both or a second marriage,
9:38
Speaker 1: for one. And they love spending time with people moving
9:41
Speaker 1: into a second marriage because they navigated the complexity of
9:44
Speaker 1: all that, and on the front end, it just seems
9:46
Speaker 1: so simple. We'll just blend our families and blend our time.
9:49
Speaker 1: And you know what they told me, They said, Andy,
9:50
Speaker 1: here's what we try to convince individuals and couples of.
9:53
Speaker 1: Here's the most difficult thing to convince couples of and
9:56
Speaker 1: individuals moving quickly toward another marriage. The most difficult thing
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Speaker 1: to convince them of is this time is your friend.
10:05
Speaker 1: Time is your friend. If you want to date and
10:10
Speaker 1: you want to live, and you want to romance in
10:12
Speaker 1: a different direction, you need a break, and time is
10:17
Speaker 1: actually your friend. You need a break to regain balance,
10:21
Speaker 1: You need a break to gain perspective, to gain clarity,
10:25
Speaker 1: to work on you. Because here's the thing. In time,
10:30
Speaker 1: in time and time, you will be able to hear
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Speaker 1: things you can't hear right now. In time, you'll be
10:36
Speaker 1: able to see things you can't see right now. And
10:40
Speaker 1: here's the one you're gonna hate me for. In time,
10:43
Speaker 1: you'll be able to own things you can't own right now.
10:47
Speaker 1: With time and a break, you will be able to
10:49
Speaker 1: recognize your contribution to the problem. You're like, see, I
10:56
Speaker 1: didn't contribute to the problem. It was all him, It
10:59
Speaker 1: was all her. With time, time you may able to recogny,
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Speaker 1: be able to recognize and own your slice of the pie.
11:06
Speaker 1: But without time, without a break, you know what you'll do.
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Speaker 1: You'll do what we all do. You'll just blame. And
11:14
Speaker 1: you can't blame your way into a better future. In fact,
11:19
Speaker 1: blame has an insidious way of allowing us to smuggle
11:22
Speaker 1: our issues into our own future, smuggle our issues into
11:26
Speaker 1: the next relationship. And you've seen this with other people, right,
11:29
Speaker 1: You're like, she has not dealt with her stuff. He's
11:31
Speaker 1: not dealt with his stuff. Will you tell him? Not?
11:32
Speaker 1: Gonna tell him? He blows up every time I bring
11:34
Speaker 1: it up. He didn't think he has any stuff, and
11:35
Speaker 1: he reminds us he didn't have any stuff, so loudly.
11:37
Speaker 1: We're all afraid of his stuff that he doesn't he's
11:40
Speaker 1: not aware of. So, but if you just blame the
11:43
Speaker 1: other person, you have set yourself up to think about it,
11:45
Speaker 1: to smuggle your stuff into your own future instead of
11:49
Speaker 1: leaving it behind, smuggle your relationships issues into the next relationship.
11:53
Speaker 1: So blame actually sets us up for rinse and repeat, right,
11:57
Speaker 1: Welcome to Groundhog date. So today I want to just
12:01
Speaker 1: give you the first step to dating and doing a
12:04
Speaker 1: relationship in a different direction. And the reason I just
12:07
Speaker 1: want to give you the first step is number one.
12:09
Speaker 1: We don't have much time, but number two. If you
12:11
Speaker 1: get the first one right, the rest kind of take
12:12
Speaker 1: care of themselves because you're smart. You're smart and once
12:16
Speaker 1: you begin to unearth some of these assumptions you've been
12:18
Speaker 1: carrying around and you look at him and you go, well,
12:20
Speaker 1: that's ridiculous. I've been making decisions based on this and
12:23
Speaker 1: this just isn't true, then you're on your way. So
12:26
Speaker 1: to kind of set us up for where we're going.
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Speaker 1: None of this is original with me. I actually learned
12:31
Speaker 1: this start off, you know, kind of change direction thing
12:34
Speaker 1: principle from the Apostle Paul. The Apostle Paul was a
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Speaker 1: Pharisee in the first century. Then he became a Jesus follower,
12:40
Speaker 1: and then he decided to do a crazy thing. He
12:42
Speaker 1: decided to take the message of Jesus. Here's this Jewish
12:45
Speaker 1: guy who's an ex Pharisee, take the message of Jesus
12:47
Speaker 1: to the non Jewish, gentile world, and he parachutes into
12:51
Speaker 1: a culture that actually parachute, but he shows up in
12:54
Speaker 1: a culture it took a ship. He shows up in
12:56
Speaker 1: a culture that is so unlike anything we can imagine.
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Speaker 1: It is amazing that anyone took the Apostle Paul serious
13:03
Speaker 1: in cities like Ephesus and Corinth and the region of
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Speaker 1: Glacia and all these Roman provinces that were so ingrained
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Speaker 1: in Greek and Hellenistic thinking. And so he shows up
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Speaker 1: in this gentile, pagan idol worshiping, slave owning might makes
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Speaker 1: right culture, and he's talking about the fact that God
13:20
Speaker 1: sent a messiah, a Jewish messiah, with this strange message
13:24
Speaker 1: that were to love each other and everybody has dignity,
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Speaker 1: and women have rights, and children have rights, and slaves
13:29
Speaker 1: have rights, and everybody's equal in the eyes of God
13:32
Speaker 1: and made in the image of God, and everybody's supposed
13:34
Speaker 1: to love each other. And God punctuated this message by
13:37
Speaker 1: raising someone from the dead. It's amazing anybody took him seriously,
13:42
Speaker 1: but they did. And so the church began in the
13:45
Speaker 1: non Jewish world around the Mediterranean basin, and he had
13:49
Speaker 1: to confront so many assumptions we can't even imagine a
13:52
Speaker 1: world where slavery was legal in that kind of culture.
13:55
Speaker 1: We can't imagine a world where people worshiped idols and
13:58
Speaker 1: everything that happened to nature had its own god, its
14:00
Speaker 1: own name. And yet somehow he was able to gain
14:02
Speaker 1: traction with this extraordinary message that there is a single
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Speaker 1: God who has done something in the world for the world,
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Speaker 1: and it will be characterized by giving value equal value
14:11
Speaker 1: to the people around us, and so to help them
14:15
Speaker 1: reshape their thinking and really embrace a completely different worldview,
14:20
Speaker 1: which may be your resistance to Christianity because a Christian
14:23
Speaker 1: worldview in your worldview don't line up. I totally get that.
14:26
Speaker 1: The Apostle Paul totally got that. So it's a good thing,
14:28
Speaker 1: perhaps that you hear a message like this to know
14:30
Speaker 1: you're not alone and God isn't angry. God would love
14:34
Speaker 1: for you to maybe change your thinking to see the
14:36
Speaker 1: world in a different way. So the Apostle Paul wrote
14:39
Speaker 1: all these letters to this primarily Hellenistic culture of Greek
14:42
Speaker 1: speaking culture, and in one of those letters he wrote
14:46
Speaker 1: to Christians living in Rome during the time of Nero,
14:48
Speaker 1: not a great place to be. And in that particular document,
14:51
Speaker 1: it's not even a letter. It's this just huge, amazing
14:53
Speaker 1: document we call the Book of Romans. He gives what
14:56
Speaker 1: he gave in other instances is kind of this first
14:59
Speaker 1: step to beginning to think differently about everything. But today
15:03
Speaker 1: we're going to apply it specifically to relationships. And here's
15:06
Speaker 1: here's how he began Romans, chapter twelve, so we're like
15:08
Speaker 1: way into this this big document. Here's what he wrote.
15:11
Speaker 1: He said, therefore, I urge you. And the reason he
15:14
Speaker 1: has to urge us is because there's going to be resistance.
15:17
Speaker 1: I urge you. You're not really gonna want to go
15:19
Speaker 1: along with this. I urge you, even though this seems
15:21
Speaker 1: a little bit strange. I urge you, brothers and sisters,
15:25
Speaker 1: in view of God's mercy, which means basically, in light
15:27
Speaker 1: of everything God has done for you and what has
15:29
Speaker 1: God done for you. Well, he took eleven chapters to
15:33
Speaker 1: tell us, so he can go back and read that
15:34
Speaker 1: on your own. But basically, here's what he's saying. In
15:37
Speaker 1: light of the fact that God loves you, and a
15:40
Speaker 1: lot of the fact that God has invited you to
15:41
Speaker 1: call him your heavenly father, and light of the fact
15:44
Speaker 1: that God has announced this is risky. That God has
15:47
Speaker 1: announced the forgiveness of sin ahead of time, that God
15:51
Speaker 1: has already covered even your future sins in such a
15:53
Speaker 1: way that you can have a relationship with him in
15:55
Speaker 1: light of everything that God's done for you, in light
15:57
Speaker 1: of God's mercy. He's not given you what you deserve,
15:59
Speaker 1: and He's actually going to give you what you don't
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Speaker 1: deserve in a positive way in light of God's mercy.
16:04
Speaker 1: He says, here's what I want you to do. These
16:07
Speaker 1: are my words, not his. I want you. It's a
16:09
Speaker 1: big ask. That's why he's urging. I want you to
16:11
Speaker 1: write a blank check with your life and offer it
16:14
Speaker 1: to your heavenly Father, not in order to get something,
16:18
Speaker 1: in light of what He's already given you. Therefore, I
16:22
Speaker 1: urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy,
16:24
Speaker 1: to present yourself or to offer your bodies as a
16:28
Speaker 1: living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your
16:31
Speaker 1: true and proper worship. Now we see the word sacrifice,
16:34
Speaker 1: nothing comes to mind for us because we don't make sacrifices.
16:36
Speaker 1: But everybody in this culture had made sacrifices and seen
16:39
Speaker 1: sacrifices made, and so he's using some interesting imagery that
16:42
Speaker 1: possibly cause those who read this for the first time
16:45
Speaker 1: to chuckle, because he's saying, here's what I want you
16:47
Speaker 1: to do. The time for animal sacrifice is over. The
16:50
Speaker 1: time for slitting the throats of oxen and goats and
16:53
Speaker 1: bulls is over. I want you to climb up on
16:56
Speaker 1: the altar as a living sacrifice and offer all yourself
17:01
Speaker 1: to God. Not in order to get something from God,
17:04
Speaker 1: like the Pagans were constantly trying to do with their sacrifices,
17:07
Speaker 1: but in light of what God has already done for you.
17:10
Speaker 1: And then he uses a very interesting word, a word
17:12
Speaker 1: that's so cool that it takes two English words to
17:14
Speaker 1: translate the one English word. He said, and this act
17:17
Speaker 1: of offering yourself to God is the most logical thing
17:21
Speaker 1: you could possibly do. The Greek word that's translated true
17:24
Speaker 1: and proper is the word where we is the Greek
17:27
Speaker 1: word from where we get the English word logic or logical.
17:31
Speaker 1: He says, offering yourself to God. I know it sounds
17:33
Speaker 1: like a big risk. I know it sounds like a
17:36
Speaker 1: big sacrifice. I know it sounds like a big say
17:39
Speaker 1: no to yourself. But Paul says, I'm telling you this
17:42
Speaker 1: is the most logical, thoughtful, reasonable thing you can do,
17:47
Speaker 1: because God is for you and God knows what's best
17:53
Speaker 1: for you. In fact, refusing to is the most irrational,
17:58
Speaker 1: illogical thing you could do. Then he goes on. He says,
18:02
Speaker 1: and here's the deal. Don't be conformed. I don't want
18:05
Speaker 1: you to continue to be conformed to the pattern of
18:09
Speaker 1: this world. It's like I said last week. If you
18:11
Speaker 1: don't want a relationship like the majority of relationships, quit
18:14
Speaker 1: dating like the majority of daters. If you don't want
18:16
Speaker 1: a marriage like the majority of marriages, conducting your marriage
18:19
Speaker 1: like the majority of marriage people. If you don't want
18:22
Speaker 1: a relationship like the majority of the people you see
18:24
Speaker 1: in a relationship, then you have to do something different.
18:27
Speaker 1: In Paul's words, is this, don't continue to be conformed
18:30
Speaker 1: to the pattern of culture. There is a different way forward. Literally,
18:34
Speaker 1: the verse means this, do not be conformed according to
18:37
Speaker 1: a pattern or a mold. Don't form yourself or allow
18:42
Speaker 1: yourself to be formed. In other words, don't be this guy. Okay,
18:50
Speaker 1: don't be this I don't think there are gingerbread women.
18:52
Speaker 1: I'm not seeing a gingerbread women, so we'll just go
18:54
Speaker 1: with gingerbread man. Sorry, ladies, don't be this guy. Right,
18:58
Speaker 1: If you be this guy, be this woman, you end
19:01
Speaker 1: up like everybody else. He says. I don't want you
19:05
Speaker 1: to be conformed. I want you to look what he says.
19:08
Speaker 1: He says, don't be conformed, but you can actually be transformed,
19:11
Speaker 1: or literally in the land of the Greek, it's allow yourself,
19:15
Speaker 1: allow yourself to be transformed. So do you want to
19:19
Speaker 1: be a conformer? A gingerbread man. Here's what it sounds
19:22
Speaker 1: like in our culture. Guys are all the same. Guys
19:25
Speaker 1: are all the same. Guys are all the same. Guys
19:27
Speaker 1: are all the same. Guys, are all the same. Women
19:30
Speaker 1: only want to ring, Women only want to ring. Women
19:33
Speaker 1: only want to ring, women only want to ring. It's
19:35
Speaker 1: all the same, right, he's going to Look, you have
19:37
Speaker 1: to live your life that way. There's a different way
19:39
Speaker 1: forward in every arena of life, especially relationships. So the
19:43
Speaker 1: question is this, do you want to be a conformer
19:47
Speaker 1: or would you rather be a transformer? That's what I'm
19:53
Speaker 1: talking about right now. Unfortunately this is the evil transformer,
19:59
Speaker 1: but I thought it was, so we brought it out
20:01
Speaker 1: all right. This just happens. This happens with no effort
20:07
Speaker 1: at all you just wake up and here's the thing,
20:09
Speaker 1: and we all tell ourselves this, Well, I'm unique and
20:12
Speaker 1: I'm unusual, and I got my own thing and I
20:15
Speaker 1: got my own deal. Bad news. You don't. You don't.
20:18
Speaker 1: You think you do. I think I do, But we don't.
20:21
Speaker 1: If you just get up and pick up your feet
20:22
Speaker 1: and allow yourself to be swept along with the current
20:25
Speaker 1: of culture, in most ways, you just end up like
20:27
Speaker 1: everybody else. And in some areas that's fine, but when
20:30
Speaker 1: it comes to relationships, it's not fine. He says, don't
20:34
Speaker 1: be a conformer, don't be conformed, be transformed. And then
20:39
Speaker 1: maybe if you're new to the Bible or new to Christianity,
20:42
Speaker 1: you didn't know this, as in every instance the apostle
20:46
Speaker 1: Paul actually tells us how to do it. This isn't
20:48
Speaker 1: gonna just go out there and figure it out for yourself,
20:50
Speaker 1: even though all you need is a little bit of
20:52
Speaker 1: a head start. All you need is kind of that
20:53
Speaker 1: first step, and you can figure this out for yourself,
20:56
Speaker 1: he says. Don't be conformed, but be transformed. How Paul,
20:59
Speaker 1: He says, let me tell you how buy the renewing
21:03
Speaker 1: of your mind. By the renewing, not by a prayer
21:07
Speaker 1: you pray, not by a commitment you make, not by
21:11
Speaker 1: a promise you make God. This is not a moment
21:14
Speaker 1: in time. This is a process. To renew your mind,
21:18
Speaker 1: is to restore, it's to change, it's to redo, it's
21:22
Speaker 1: to preprogram. It's like repainting a car. When you repaint
21:26
Speaker 1: a car, what do you have to do? Got to
21:27
Speaker 1: sand off all the old, then you put on the new.
21:30
Speaker 1: It's a two step process refinishing furniture. Sand off the old, finish,
21:35
Speaker 1: put on the new. Unless you use chalk paint, which
21:37
Speaker 1: is a cool thing, but it messes up my illustration.
21:39
Speaker 1: So you gotta take off the old, put on the new,
21:42
Speaker 1: take off the old, put on the new. Wax off,
21:45
Speaker 1: wax on, wax on, wax off. Okay, whatever generation you're from. Yeah,
21:48
Speaker 1: you gotta take something off before you put something new on.
21:52
Speaker 1: So what happens, I mean, you know this, what happens
21:54
Speaker 1: when you put on the new before you take the
21:56
Speaker 1: old off the old, the new peels off. And this
22:00
Speaker 1: is why so many people sincerely make promises to themselves.
22:04
Speaker 1: They sincerely make promises to God, They sincerely make promises
22:08
Speaker 1: to a higher power. They make all kinds of promises
22:11
Speaker 1: and they are as sincere as they can possibly be.
22:16
Speaker 1: And the next time, it's just like the last time.
22:23
Speaker 1: It just doesn't stick. It just peels off, and the
22:28
Speaker 1: apostle pauses. Look, I urge you, I urge you, I
22:34
Speaker 1: urge you. In light of all God has done for you,
22:38
Speaker 1: would you hit pause and would you present yourself to
22:42
Speaker 1: him a living sacrifice? Would you basically write a blank
22:44
Speaker 1: check with your life and say, God, Okay, I have
22:46
Speaker 1: screwed this up so many times, or I get it
22:48
Speaker 1: right some of the time, but I am so tired
22:50
Speaker 1: of calling my own shots. And so I am going
22:53
Speaker 1: to surrender myself to you and relationally, I'm gonna hit
22:56
Speaker 1: the pause button and I'm going to go through the long,
22:59
Speaker 1: maybe difficult process of renewing my mind so I am
23:02
Speaker 1: no longer conformed so that I can be transformed. But
23:07
Speaker 1: the trick is the difficulty is the thing that we
23:11
Speaker 1: don't like about this is that renewal takes time, which
23:16
Speaker 1: brings us back to this time is your friend. When
23:22
Speaker 1: we started our organization years ago, and I talked to
23:25
Speaker 1: our pastors and we were talking about how we're gonna
23:27
Speaker 1: do things, and I said, let's talk about marriage for
23:29
Speaker 1: a second, I said, it's none of my business. You
23:30
Speaker 1: can marry, do weddings for whoever you want to do
23:32
Speaker 1: weddings for. But my mind, this is many years ago.
23:35
Speaker 1: I said, But I only have one thing I want
23:37
Speaker 1: you to consider. I would like for if you're marrying
23:39
Speaker 1: someone who's been married before, I want you to require
23:42
Speaker 1: them to stay single for at least two years before
23:45
Speaker 1: you remarry them. And so one of our guys said, hey,
23:48
Speaker 1: why two years? And I said, because I don't think
23:50
Speaker 1: we can get them to wait five, but if we could,
23:55
Speaker 1: we should, and we would. Because the story I've never
23:58
Speaker 1: heard is I am so glad I rushed into that relationship.
24:00
Speaker 1: Look where would I be if I hadn't rushed into
24:02
Speaker 1: that relationship. I'm sure that story's out there somewhere. But
24:05
Speaker 1: for the most part is I wish I'd waited. I
24:07
Speaker 1: wish I'd gotten counsel. I wish I'd gotten my head cleared.
24:10
Speaker 1: I wish I'd taken some time off. I wish i'd
24:12
Speaker 1: work spent a little bit more time working on me,
24:14
Speaker 1: because if I'd worked on me, I think I might
24:18
Speaker 1: have been able to see some things that I couldn't see.
24:22
Speaker 1: And I think I might have been able to hear
24:24
Speaker 1: some things that m I couldn't hear. And I think
24:27
Speaker 1: I might have been able to own some things that
24:30
Speaker 1: I refused to own. And the apostle Paul wraps up
24:36
Speaker 1: and he says this, Look, there's a payoff, and the
24:39
Speaker 1: payoff is this, if you will make just to use
24:43
Speaker 1: some churchy terminology, if you will invite Jesus to be
24:46
Speaker 1: the lord or the boss or the king of your life,
24:51
Speaker 1: and if you will spend some time allowing God to
24:54
Speaker 1: renew your mind, here's the result. Then then as a consequence,
25:01
Speaker 1: as a result, then you will be able to do
25:04
Speaker 1: something that in the past you struggled perhaps to do.
25:07
Speaker 1: Then you will be able to test and approve literally,
25:11
Speaker 1: then you will be able to determine and discern. Then
25:16
Speaker 1: you will be able to figure out figure out what
25:19
Speaker 1: what God's will is. This is so powerful a renewed mind,
25:26
Speaker 1: a renewed mind is able to make sense of God's will. See,
25:31
Speaker 1: part of the problem is this, until we can see
25:33
Speaker 1: as he sees, we're not inclined to do as he says.
25:37
Speaker 1: When you renew your mind, what made absolutely no sense
25:39
Speaker 1: before becomes a oh yeah, we learned this from childhood,
25:44
Speaker 1: right or as kids. You know, what's the first question
25:46
Speaker 1: that we ask over and over and over and over
25:48
Speaker 1: in as kids is why? Why? Why? Why? Because if it
25:50
Speaker 1: doesn't make sense, it's hard to get on board with
25:52
Speaker 1: doing something that doesn't make any sense to us. Right,
25:55
Speaker 1: human nature is we are far We are far more
25:58
Speaker 1: inclined to do what makes sense than what we're merely
26:00
Speaker 1: told to do. Right, And here's the beauty of following Jesus.
26:04
Speaker 1: And here's the beauty of the New Testament, And here's
26:06
Speaker 1: the beauty of what the Apostle Paul taught. The Apostle
26:09
Speaker 1: Paul says, Look, your heavenly Father wants you to understand.
26:13
Speaker 1: This isn't simply do as I say and you'll will
26:15
Speaker 1: you know, maybe someday one day you'll figure it out.
26:18
Speaker 1: As you spend time renewing your mind, there will be
26:22
Speaker 1: moment after moment after moment of oh, oh, oh, I
26:26
Speaker 1: can see what I couldn't see. Wow, it's so much
26:30
Speaker 1: easier for me to hear what I couldn't hear. And Wow,
26:33
Speaker 1: I'm beginning to feel the freedom to take responsibility for
26:37
Speaker 1: things I was never able to take responsibility for before
26:42
Speaker 1: because a renewed mind recognizes God's will for what it is,
26:47
Speaker 1: and the apostle Paul tells us what it is his good.
26:52
Speaker 1: It's good because it's good for you, his pleasing, which means,
26:58
Speaker 1: you know what, in the end, it's actually gratifying the
27:01
Speaker 1: will of God. On the back end is I'm so
27:04
Speaker 1: glad I did this, I'm so glad I surrendered, I'm
27:07
Speaker 1: so glad I obeyed and his perfect will. And the
27:10
Speaker 1: little Greek word here actually refers to maturity. That over
27:14
Speaker 1: time you will become more mature because you'll see in
27:17
Speaker 1: a way you've never seen before. You'll think in a
27:19
Speaker 1: way you've never thought before. Because as we've already learned, right,
27:24
Speaker 1: regret and resolve they're just not enough. Regret. If regret
27:30
Speaker 1: and resolve were enough, we would never repeat our mistakes.
27:34
Speaker 1: Regret and resolve just are enough. I'm sorry and I'll
27:37
Speaker 1: do better. Rarely makes us any better, because if you
27:45
Speaker 1: think the way you've always thought, come on, you're just
27:48
Speaker 1: gonna do the way you've always done. You're always gonna give.
27:51
Speaker 1: You's gonna do what you've always done, and the result boom,
27:55
Speaker 1: groundhog date, groundhog marriage, groundhog relationship, Think about it this way,
28:01
Speaker 1: we'll move on. Everything you've ever done relationally, everything you've
28:07
Speaker 1: ever done relationally made perfect sense to you. You didn't
28:12
Speaker 1: do things it didn't make sense. Every every time you called,
28:14
Speaker 1: you lied, you got in, you got out, you left,
28:16
Speaker 1: you moved in, you moved out. Whatever it was, you know,
28:18
Speaker 1: you told her every every decision you've made relationally, it
28:22
Speaker 1: made perfect sense to you. But if it doesn't work,
28:26
Speaker 1: if it's not working, maybe there's more. Maybe you need
28:31
Speaker 1: a break, Maybe you need to clear your head. Maybe
28:34
Speaker 1: you need to change the way you think. Maybe you
28:36
Speaker 1: need to renew your mind. Because a transformed mind result
28:41
Speaker 1: and a transformed life, and transformation takes time, and it
28:47
Speaker 1: takes focus. It takes time, It takes focus, and it
28:51
Speaker 1: takes attention. It might take a different rhythm, it might
28:55
Speaker 1: require some different friends, it might require you to make
28:59
Speaker 1: a difficult decision. But in the end, you will be
29:02
Speaker 1: able to discern and understand God's will for you. And
29:07
Speaker 1: here's the great thing about renewing your mind. Over time,
29:10
Speaker 1: you will begin to let go of some lethal, unexamined assumptions.
29:17
Speaker 1: It will empower you to let go of the ways
29:19
Speaker 1: of thinking that keep you in bondage and keep creating that,
29:22
Speaker 1: keep making, you know, the history repeat itself relationally. Assumptions
29:26
Speaker 1: that deserve for sure, assumptions that deserve to be examined.
29:30
Speaker 1: Here's one we've talked about. Once I find the right person,
29:34
Speaker 1: everything will be all right. Number two, My situation is unique. Now,
29:39
Speaker 1: let me just say to those of you who say
29:41
Speaker 1: this because I love you, I don't know you, but
29:44
Speaker 1: I love you. I care about you. Do you know
29:47
Speaker 1: why we say this? This is how you avoid good advice.
29:52
Speaker 1: This is how you if somebody gives you good advice.
29:54
Speaker 1: I know, I know, I know, see I know, I know,
29:56
Speaker 1: I know, I know, I know, I know. My situation
29:58
Speaker 1: is unique. It's not. There are only three situations. Okay,
30:04
Speaker 1: you're in one of the three. You just don't know that.
30:06
Speaker 1: Ask a counselor. Counselors are like counselors liked me to
30:08
Speaker 1: preach because I just tell them. I'd say publicly what
30:11
Speaker 1: it takes them forever to get you to recognize in counseling. Okay,
30:14
Speaker 1: that's why I'm not a good counselor. I'm a good
30:16
Speaker 1: advice giver, but I'm not patient enough to be a counselor.
30:18
Speaker 1: But if you sit through counseling and you have a
30:20
Speaker 1: good counseling or counselor eventually you recognize, oh, there's only
30:22
Speaker 1: about three or four categories. And now that I've recognized
30:24
Speaker 1: my category, I know what to do. Okay, you're not listen.
30:28
Speaker 1: Your situation is not unique. You are unique. Your situation
30:33
Speaker 1: is not And when you use well, you know my
30:36
Speaker 1: situation is different. You're just avoiding good advice. You need
30:40
Speaker 1: to knock it off. That as a fatal assumption. Here's
30:43
Speaker 1: the third one. Well, you know it may not be right,
30:45
Speaker 1: but it makes me happy and God wants me to
30:47
Speaker 1: be happy. I've heard this ten thousand times, and I
30:52
Speaker 1: never know whether to hug the person or just throw up.
30:54
Speaker 1: I'm torn, and I understand. I mean, I sound like
30:57
Speaker 1: I'm being a critical I'm not. This is haw heartbreaking statement.
31:01
Speaker 1: I've heard it so many times. Andy, I know what
31:03
Speaker 1: you're saying. I know what you're saying, but you know what,
31:04
Speaker 1: it makes me happy. Look, if it's not right, it's
31:08
Speaker 1: not gonna turn out right if it's not right. And
31:11
Speaker 1: besides that, Jesus actually gave us the happy formula. You
31:17
Speaker 1: want to be happy. Jesus actually told us. In fact,
31:20
Speaker 1: it's his most famous sermon, and he opens up with
31:22
Speaker 1: it happy are those who And in part of his
31:25
Speaker 1: happy Sermon, it's Matthew chapter five. Here's what he says.
31:28
Speaker 1: Happy are those or blessed are those who hunger and
31:32
Speaker 1: thirst for the right thing, because they will be full.
31:39
Speaker 1: Because here's what you've already learned. Chasing your appetite does
31:45
Speaker 1: not leave you full, does it. It leaves you empty
31:51
Speaker 1: and wanting more. Fulfilling an appetite only strengthens the appetite,
31:58
Speaker 1: and it leaves you empty and wanting more. In your
32:01
Speaker 1: father in heaven, who loves you through his son, who
32:04
Speaker 1: paid for your sin, says, I want you to follow me,
32:08
Speaker 1: and I want us to chase down righteousness. And when
32:11
Speaker 1: you've chased down righteousness, in the end, you will be full.
32:16
Speaker 1: So all of these fatal assumptions, all of this stuff
32:19
Speaker 1: that swirls around in the background, When you begin to
32:21
Speaker 1: renew your mind, you begin to identify these things and
32:25
Speaker 1: move on. Here's the fourth one. Sex will solve it.
32:29
Speaker 1: Sex will solve it right. No sex will complicate it.
32:33
Speaker 1: You know that sex doesn't make your life, It just
32:35
Speaker 1: complicates the relationships. It creates obligations, It creates expectations. And
32:40
Speaker 1: what's the third thing, It creates children. That's exactly right,
32:45
Speaker 1: you got it. Babies. And that's what sex will do.
32:48
Speaker 1: That you know, that's what it does. So that whole
32:50
Speaker 1: thing of well, once we move in and once now
32:52
Speaker 1: that that's just a lethal assumption. And you've been through
32:55
Speaker 1: that over and over and over. So to borrow Paul's words,
33:00
Speaker 1: I want to urge you, plead with those of you
33:03
Speaker 1: who are dating, Plead with those of you who are
33:05
Speaker 1: in a transition relationally, Plead with you that are rushing in.
33:08
Speaker 1: Plead with you with those of you who are rushing
33:10
Speaker 1: out in view of God's mercy and light of all
33:15
Speaker 1: that God has done for you, the parts you know about,
33:17
Speaker 1: the parts that you still haven't even discovered. Would you
33:21
Speaker 1: not just hit pause and just surrender, especially this area
33:26
Speaker 1: of your life to home. Surrender your body for your
33:29
Speaker 1: body as a living sacrifice. This is your true and
33:32
Speaker 1: proper worship. This is the most reasonable thing you'll ever do.
33:35
Speaker 1: And come on and don't keep being conformed, Quit being
33:40
Speaker 1: this guy, and no longer be conformed to the pattern
33:43
Speaker 1: of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of
33:48
Speaker 1: your mind, and if you do, you will be able
33:52
Speaker 1: to recognize God's will for you, his perfect and perfecting,
33:56
Speaker 1: his pleasing, because it's fulfilling and his mature will for you,
34:03
Speaker 1: and specifically for those of you who are dating and
34:07
Speaker 1: it's just round and round and the last rate that
34:09
Speaker 1: the relationship ended up like the one before, and it
34:11
Speaker 1: just seems like you're as soon as I find the
34:13
Speaker 1: right person, as soon as I find the right person,
34:14
Speaker 1: as soon as you're just in that treadmill of relationship.
34:18
Speaker 1: Here's what I want you to do, and I've been
34:19
Speaker 1: challenging people to do this for years and years and years,
34:22
Speaker 1: over ten years. Would you be willing to take a
34:24
Speaker 1: year off? Would you be willing to just stop? Would
34:30
Speaker 1: you be willing to refer into what we talked about
34:32
Speaker 1: last time? Would you be willing to get out of
34:33
Speaker 1: that sewage pool anyway that's just so gross and it's
34:37
Speaker 1: driving you crazy and it leaves you feeling so empty,
34:39
Speaker 1: even though you're thinking, oh, I think this is the
34:41
Speaker 1: right one. I think I find the right one. Would
34:43
Speaker 1: you be willing to take a year off? Specifically? Would
34:45
Speaker 1: you go out a year from today? Whenever you're hearing
34:47
Speaker 1: this or watching this. Would you go out a year
34:49
Speaker 1: from the day and mark your calendar, say for year
34:51
Speaker 1: I'm out, I'm getting out, and during that year, i'm
34:54
Speaker 1: gonna read and during that year, i'm gonna start praying again.
34:59
Speaker 1: And during that year, I'm gonna surround myself with some
35:01
Speaker 1: people who think differently about all of this. During the year,
35:05
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go back to church. During that year, i'm
35:07
Speaker 1: gonna sit close to the front and i'm gonna take notes.
35:10
Speaker 1: During that year, i'm gonna move out. During that year,
35:12
Speaker 1: i'm gonna break up. During that year, I'm gonna clear
35:15
Speaker 1: my mind. And I don't care who shows up. I
35:18
Speaker 1: am taking a year and renewing my mind because I
35:21
Speaker 1: don't want to spend another season of my life like
35:23
Speaker 1: this guy. If you don't want the next time to
35:29
Speaker 1: be like the last time, you have to do something different.
35:33
Speaker 1: In the meantime. You have to renew your mind. You
35:37
Speaker 1: have to be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
35:40
Speaker 1: And if you take some time to renew your mind,
35:43
Speaker 1: you'll never ever ever regret it. But I have to
35:47
Speaker 1: worry you about one thing. If you do this, two
35:50
Speaker 1: weeks after you make this decision, you're gonna meet him
35:56
Speaker 1: two weeks after you make this decision. Well, there she is.
35:59
Speaker 1: Oh that's just perfect. I'm two weeks in. I'm two
36:01
Speaker 1: weeks in, and there she in. I wonder, hey, listen,
36:04
Speaker 1: can we talk? Okay? Would you wait on me for
36:06
Speaker 1: about fifty weeks is all I need you to do?
36:10
Speaker 1: Justin and I just need you to wait on me
36:11
Speaker 1: basically a year. And I'm and when you see him,
36:14
Speaker 1: and when you see her, and when you're I'm sure
36:16
Speaker 1: they're the one, you ignore them. You're not ready for
36:22
Speaker 1: them because you are being transformed by the renewing of
36:28
Speaker 1: your mind. You're becoming the person that the person you're
36:31
Speaker 1: looking for it's looking for. If you don't want next
36:37
Speaker 1: time to be like the last time, do something different
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Speaker 1: in the meantime. That's how you prepare to do relationships
36:45
Speaker 1: in a different direction. That's how you prepare to do
36:49
Speaker 1: marriage in a different direction. That's how you prepare to
36:52
Speaker 1: date in a different direction. That's how you prepare to
36:56
Speaker 1: avoid groundhog date