Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #56| How Prioritizing Sex and Pleasure Can Increase Motivation and Lessen Overwhelm

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#56| How Prioritizing Sex and Pleasure Can Increase Motivation and Lessen Overwhelm · Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing

• 0:00
  Danielle Savory: So sitting around just like waiting for someone to just wave a wand and light your loins on
• 0:20
  Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
• 0:20
  Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former overwhelmed working woman and current life coach.
• 0:23
  Michelle Gauthier: On this show we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences and in each episode you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
• 0:35
  Michelle Gauthier: Hello friends, thanks for joining today.
• 0:39
  Michelle Gauthier: We have an excellent guest for you today.
• 0:41
  Michelle Gauthier: Danielle Savory is a master certified life coach and the host of Mashable's number one sex and relationship podcast called It's My Pleasure and, lucky us, today we get to have her as a guest on Overwhelmed Working Woman.
• 0:56
  Michelle Gauthier: As an overwhelmed working woman, I would bet that sex is sometimes the last thing on your mind and that sometimes the idea of one more person asking you for anything or touching you is enough to put you over the edge.
• 1:09
  Michelle Gauthier: Danielle completely understands this and in this episode you'll learn to focus more on pleasure because you want to, not because you feel like you should.
• 1:17
  Michelle Gauthier: She'll give us some great practical tips on how to bring more pleasure into your life - in the bedroom and out.
• 1:23
  Michelle Gauthier: She'll also give you an insider tip on why wearing wool socks to bed can improve your sex life.
• 1:29
  Michelle Gauthier: Welcome, Danielle, and thank you for being here.
• 1:32
  Michelle Gauthier: I'm so grateful you accepted this request to come on and share with us today.
• 1:37
  Danielle Savory: Of course, I'm so excited to be here.
• 1:39
  Danielle Savory: When I got your email I was like, yes, of course.
• 1:44
  Michelle Gauthier: Good! I'm so glad.
• 1:44
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, first, I want to understand what you mean when you say you coach women to have better sex lives and better pleasure.
• 1:51
  Michelle Gauthier: Through the lens of your background, it's like a science-y and a body and a mindset approach all at once, it sounds like.
• 2:00
  Michelle Gauthier: So will you just tell me a little bit about that?
• 2:02
  Danielle Savory: Yeah.
• 2:02
  Danielle Savory: So you know, I think this is so much influenced by my own journey and you know my own healing through my reclamation of my sexuality and becoming more sensual and really getting out of my head.
• 2:14
  Danielle Savory: So that somatics piece and that mindfulness piece is really taking from being up in our head - how most of us are most of the time - living from this neck up, and learning like, oh yeah, I have a body, I am a body, I can feel with this body, and obviously we need that element when it comes to being able to experience more pleasure, because if you're not connected to your body, you can't really feel all the good you know juicy touches and orgasms that could be happening there.
• 2:44
  Danielle Savory: So the somatics piece is really, really important, I think, especially for women because of all of the pressures that we have, because of all of the overwhelm that we have - learning how to actually feel, learning how to be in our body, to notice when there's emotions that come up.
• 3:02
  Danielle Savory: You know, even some of the things that I might talk about are like the shape of your body, and I don't mean like the shape where you're like what clothes size do I wear, but like how we hold ourselves.
• 3:11
  Danielle Savory: Where are our shoulders resting, like, where is our jaw, like these very subtle cues that can quickly tell you what state you're in, that if you are in a nervous system response state that's very stressed and tense and on edge, and starting to recognize those.
• 3:28
  Danielle Savory: So the somatic approach is really through the body.
• 3:31
  Danielle Savory: It's that mind-body connection but being able to come back to our body, as it's like coming home, coming home to our body, really being in a different kind of relationship with our body, which we typically aren't taught how to do ever.
• 3:45
  Danielle Savory: But then, especially as women, where our body is more looked at as an object that we need to be precise with and there's that whole beauty standards and perfectionism, and it's our vehicle to get from one place to the other.
• 3:58
  Danielle Savory: And then the mindfulness piece behind that is really just how much our brain and what's going on in our mind influences - which I'm sure you talk about all the time on this podcast, right - which influences our behaviors and the way that we show up in the way that we have these relationships.
• 4:15
  Danielle Savory: And you know, with sex, it's not just like what is going on currently, right, like what my partner is doing or isn't doing, or the mental or emotional load that I'm experiencing, or how my kids are acting that day, or what my boss is doing at work.
• 4:31
  Danielle Savory: We take a look at that stuff because that's going to impact your current state.
• 4:36
  Danielle Savory: But then there's also things that we've been taught about sexuality that are still holding us back, what we've been taught about pleasure that are still holding us back.
• 4:45
  Danielle Savory: So it's both this like duality of noticing where are our obstacles that are keeping us from pleasure, and oftentimes they're from how we've been socialized, they're from what's going on currently in our present day-to-day lives, and then what's happening in our body, and so being able to pull all of those together really gives us a more cohesive approach to being able to open up and access the pleasure our bodies are wired for.
• 5:14
  Michelle Gauthier: That makes so much sense.
• 5:15
  Michelle Gauthier: Would you say that all women have a sex drive?
• 5:20
  Michelle Gauthier: I hear so often that people are like, I'm just, I don't care.
• 5:24
  Michelle Gauthier: I don't care if I ever do it again.
• 5:27
  Danielle Savory: Yeah, well, I think the misconception is that it's a drive to start with.
• 5:30
  Danielle Savory: That's one of the first things that I really learned about desire and our sexuality is that it really isn't a drive.
• 5:38
  Danielle Savory: It's like how we think about it.
• 5:40
  Danielle Savory: Yes, we have, like this survival piece, but it's more survival of the species, not like a survival of ourselves, personally, to reproduce kind of thing, and so just understanding that it's not a drive and it's more, I like to think of it as a leaning in right, like what allows me to lean in a little bit.
• 6:00
  Danielle Savory: And when we understand that desire can show up very differently even in just your lifetime, like your type of desire when you were younger or when you first started dating somebody is going to look a lot different than when you have a full plate and you have a lot of kids at home and or you have a lot of work to take care of or whatever it might be but that our desire changes and that it can be, like you know, there's these two types of desires that we talk about, which is spontaneous desire, and that's like you have the want before action happens.
• 6:34
  Danielle Savory: And then we have responsive desire, which is action happens and that precedes the wanting and most women experience this latter, the responsive desire, which means we actually have to be in action before our brain kicks on, and is like, oh, you know what, this actually feels good, this is a good idea, and I think so many of us,
• 6:55
  Danielle Savory: we understand that when it comes to working out - I'm a hiker and, being in the Pacific Northwest, it's not great weather a lot of the times and I'm like, I don't want to go out there today, it's cold, it's rainy, I don't want to be at the muddy trail and all this stuff.
• 7:11
  Danielle Savory: And then, once I'm there, right, taking action, then all of a sudden I'm like, this is great, I love this, I'm so glad I came right.
• 7:18
  Danielle Savory: And so it's that desire for it happens after I've taken action.
• 7:23
  Danielle Savory: And for so many women, what we really want to focus on more is not like, oh, I'm sitting around waiting for desire to kick in, but how can I create a container that desire even has a chance to show up?
• 7:36
  Danielle Savory: How can I actually create safety and at least a little bit of leaning in and willingness and curiosity in my body so that my brain and my body has a chance to want this.
• 7:50
  Danielle Savory: And the way that most of our lives are structured, throughout the day there aren't these chances.
• 7:56
  Danielle Savory: So sitting around just like waiting for someone to just wave a wand and light your loins on fire doesn't really work.
• 8:07
  Michelle Gauthier: Yes, and I feel like a lot of times, much like working out, I feel like the women who I talk to are just not motivated.
• 8:15
  Michelle Gauthier: They're like, what's the point of doing it, so, especially if it's not great for them personally.
• 8:25
  Michelle Gauthier: So where would you start with that if a client came to you with that?
• 8:27
  Danielle Savory: Yeah Well, I mean, a lot of women do come to me with that, and part of it is like what comes first chicken than the egg?
• 8:32
  Danielle Savory: Right, like we want you to have the kind of sex you crave.
• 8:36
  Danielle Savory: So that is a big part of it.
• 8:37
  Danielle Savory: So I think, just understanding the possibility that what you're having right now can be so much better, I think that is a huge just belief and like a mindset we have to go into, like it is possible for me to feel better, it is possible for this to get better, it is possible for me to enjoy that better.
• 8:57
  Danielle Savory: I think that starts right, like we want that to start.
• 9:00
  Danielle Savory: And a lot of women I talk to, it's like they're having sex anyway.
• 9:05
  Danielle Savory: Maybe it's not that often, but they usually are having some sex and it's like, well, if you're going to do it anyway, then we might as well make it better.
• 9:16
  Michelle Gauthier: We might as well have it be more enjoyable.
• 9:18
  Michelle Gauthier: Might as well be fun for you too.
• 9:20
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, yes, yeah.
• 9:22
  Danielle Savory: So learning that, like it can be and how we can like up the experience of satisfaction and pleasure is a big part of it.
• 9:29
  Danielle Savory: But as far as the motivation goes, you know this was one for me for a long time that I really had to, you know, and I keep coming back to like, what are other reasons?
• 9:40
  Danielle Savory: What are other reasons this is benefiting my life?
• 9:42
  Danielle Savory: Because until you have the evidence for it, it's kind of hard, and it's not something that we've talked about.
• 9:47
  Danielle Savory: You know, from a physiological standpoint, there's so many studies that just show, like, how you know, how it just helps with your immune system, how it helps with your stress levels, how it helps with, like, your heart rate.
• 9:59
  Danielle Savory: You know there's tons of health benefits, like you can Google them and you'll have an entire list of all of these things that it can do for you health-wise.
• 10:07
  Danielle Savory: I really like to focus on what it does for our brains.
• 10:10
  Danielle Savory: And when we start to prioritize pleasure, what are the things that get to shift?
• 10:15
  Danielle Savory: And when we talk about motivation, so many of us want motivation in lots of areas of our life - to start that business, to write that book, to get up and take care of, maybe finally organizing that closet that's been sitting around, whatever it might be.
• 10:29
  Danielle Savory: We're all looking for that energy, to feel motivated, and pleasure is one of the best things we can do for our brain when it comes to creating more motivation.
• 10:40
  Danielle Savory: When it comes to using our amygdala - and most people have heard of the amygdala, but it's more of like that alarm bell system that creates more stress in the body, but the amygdala can be our friend when it's on our side to activate motivation.
• 10:54
  Danielle Savory: And when you experience more pleasure, when you experience more satisfaction, that's what it gets to do.
• 11:00
  Danielle Savory: It gets to get you kind of like, oh yeah, I get to go work on this thing, instead of like, oh, I'm so stressed out.
• 11:08
  Danielle Savory: So we want to use our nervous system in a way that helps us create our goals.
• 11:14
  Danielle Savory: And so pleasure, when you understand the role that pleasure plays, it's a huge part of our motivation.
• 11:21
  Danielle Savory: It's a huge part of our ability to have the kind of relationships, intimacy, deep connection, that sort of thing that we want, whether it's with our children or our friends or our coworkers or our lover.
• 11:33
  Danielle Savory: Understanding that pleasure and the neurochemicals that are released from more pleasure is a huge part of the kind of relationships that we think about and this is going to sound kind of morbid but like end of life, like that was amazing, I got that kind of a relationship.
• 11:51
  Danielle Savory: You know, that deep connection, like I'm present, I'm enjoying this, I love the people around me, like pleasure allows for that to happen.
• 12:00
  Danielle Savory: Pleasure allows for, you know, the oxytocin and all of these other neurochemicals for that kind of connection.
• 12:08
  Danielle Savory: The other thing is just, I always love to look at stuff that's going to help me grow beyond, just how it's helping my brain.
• 12:16
  Danielle Savory: But my growth and for me as a woman who's been socialized as a woman, reclaiming something that society has told me isn't for me and is off limits and shouldn't even be on my radar, that feels very liberating.
• 12:36
  Danielle Savory: I get to reclaim sexuality on my own terms.
• 12:41
  Danielle Savory: And when we talk about just how good the experience of pleasure is physiologically and neurologically, the most easiest way to experience the biggest flood of pleasure is through our genitals.
• 12:56
  Danielle Savory: So why wouldn't I reclaim this for me?
• 12:58
  Danielle Savory: Why wouldn't I take it back for me?
• 13:01
  Danielle Savory: It's right there, it's free, I can enjoy it, and it's going to have all of these like far-reaching mental, emotional, health benefits, but also like allowing me to be more creative so I can come up with great stuff to change the world.
• 13:18
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, exactly - what an added bonus.
• 13:20
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, yeah, I feel like a lot of the women listening to this podcast are so busy all the time.
• 13:27
  Michelle Gauthier: They're usually moms, multiple kids, stressful jobs, and this is just the thing that doesn't make it to the priority list or is kind of like, yeah, maybe once a month or something I'll check that box and I love your approach of talking about it as pleasure.
• 13:46
  Michelle Gauthier: And some of that pleasure you're talking about is not sex, just general pleasure in life.
• 13:53
  Michelle Gauthier: If somebody is going from just like, it's not on my list whatsoever, how would you help them just starting to get the idea of pleasure, just little baby steps to start with that?
• 14:06
  Danielle Savory: Yeah well, I love what you said here too, just about being on the, you know, on the last thing on your list, and I just want to say, like, if that's you, you know, really welcome to the club.
• 14:18
  Danielle Savory: Like I really want to normalize that.
• 14:19
  Danielle Savory: This is the way that it is for pretty much every woman, until they have kind of you know, purposely and intentionally taken a look at it and that pleasure, and when it comes to sex, it's because it's never been presented to us for us.
• 14:37
  Danielle Savory: And so it's like it makes sense that it's the last thing on the list because we have never really given ourselves the permission to explore how could this be
• 14:47
  Danielle Savory: It feels like one more thing we're giving, or one more thing we should do, or we know it's good for our marriage, but it really isn't ever about you and you receiving the benefits, and so I think, just starting with like, oh, this could be for me, you know, whether it is taking time to experience just pleasure, you know, in general, which I'll talk about in a minute but or with your partner, it's the idea of like, oh, this can be for me, this moment can be for me, this experience, this touch, this receiving, and so many of the women that I talk to, especially those in heterosexual relationships, feel that it's like oh well, it's because he wants it, it's one more thing I need to give him, or I'm lacking, or it's like another should that I'm not being a good wife or a good person in this marriage or partnership or whatever it might be.
• 15:38
  Danielle Savory: It's this less- than kind of feeling and that's only because we feel like we're giving something, when it's not something you're giving, but when it becomes something you're receiving, and you really feel that in every cell of your body it's totally different.
• 15:53
  Michelle Gauthier: That makes so much sense, and is that truly just a mindset change?
• 15:59
  Michelle Gauthier: Just thinking of it in a different way, like this, is something that could be really great for me that I could receive this.
• 16:06
  Danielle Savory: Yeah, I mean, that's where it starts, is that mindset change.
• 16:09
  Danielle Savory: But you also have to be a place in your body and nervous system wise, that you can receive.
• 16:16
  Danielle Savory: You know so many of us because we are always in this place of giving, giving, giving, right?
• 16:21
  Danielle Savory: You don't actually have to create safety in your nervous system.
• 16:26
  Danielle Savory: You don't actually have to create, you know, this container where there's possible vulnerability, like when we are in control, which is when we're giving because we are choosing what we're giving.
• 16:35
  Danielle Savory: Then there can be a shell up, there can be this wall up, and when you give yourself permission to receive, you really do have to let the walls down.
• 16:44
  Danielle Savory: You really do have to come home into your body and feel this trusting relationship, not just with the person you're with, but with yourself, and like I'm okay, it's okay for me to stop thinking about my to-do list, it's okay for me to lay here and take the time I need, not the time I think I should be giving, and so, yes, it's a mindset, but there's so many nuances when it comes to, especially in those moments in the bedroom, because we have been so taught to make it more of this performative act and to be able to come back and like, really receive, and not worry about your partner or what they're thinking or how long you're taking or what you look like, and just receive.
• 17:26
  Danielle Savory: It takes a lot of little mindset tweaks.
• 17:29
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, yeah, that makes so much sense.
• 17:32
  Michelle Gauthier: And what about something that I hear all the time too, is like everyone's always touching me.
• 17:38
  Michelle Gauthier: I don't want anyone to touch me anymore.
• 17:42
  Danielle Savory: Yeah, yeah, that's such a good one and I think you know the more that you understand about your nervous system and like how we are.
• 17:48
  Danielle Savory: When we're overwhelmed and overstimulated, all kind of touch coming to you feels like a threat to your nervous system.
• 17:54
  Danielle Savory: When you're there, right, when you're all like ah, like there's so many things going on and you're overwhelmed, you're overstimulated, like to just understand, of course I don't want touch right now.
• 18:04
  Danielle Savory: Like my body feels like it's under attack.
• 18:07
  Danielle Savory: So any little hand or big hand or like a friendly flirty slap on the ass is gonna feel like being attacked by a tiger.
• 18:17
  Michelle Gauthier: It's like, I'm trying to do the dishes, could you not?
• 18:21
  Danielle Savory: Like, knock it off! Right.
• 18:22
  Danielle Savory: And so it's like, when you normalize that and understand that and even communicate that with your partner, it's not a big deal.
• 18:29
  Danielle Savory: It's not like, oh my gosh, what's wrong with me?
• 18:31
  Danielle Savory: I used to be so fun and playful and now I'm like this, like you know rigid woman and snapping at her husband.
• 18:37
  Danielle Savory: It's like no, oh.
• 18:44
  Danielle Savory: It's like, oh, duh, of course, you're reacting to touch that way.
• 18:46
  Danielle Savory: I've had a really stressful day and now I'm hangry and now everybody's waiting for me to finish cooking, of course.
• 18:49
  Danielle Savory: So I think it's just acknowledging and normalizing this response.
• 18:54
  Danielle Savory: Anybody's body that feels like it's under attack and has somebody reaching for them will also feel like that reach is another attack.
• 19:02
  Danielle Savory: It isn't actually the hand, it isn't actually your partner, it isn't actually even the idea that is creating that response.
• 19:11
  Danielle Savory: This is just how your body is wired and that was such a huge unlock for me and it is for so many of my clients, because it's like we don't have to add story to it.
• 19:22
  Danielle Savory: And then it's like, oh well, I can just get into my body.
• 19:26
  Danielle Savory: Or I call bridge to the bedroom.
• 19:28
  Danielle Savory: So it's like, oh, I can create a bridge to the bedroom activity because I do really want to experience pleasure and that sounds nice, and then creating the space to, you know there's a number of different things that you can do.
• 19:41
  Danielle Savory: But to get out of that stress cycle, to regulate your nervous system, to get out of overstimulation, then all of a sudden touch feels really nice because of where your body and brain are at, not because you didn't want it, because you don't like it, because you guys have lost that loving feeling.
• 19:57
  Danielle Savory: It's like none of that.
• 19:58
  Danielle Savory: It's like no, I'm just overwhelmed right now.
• 20:00
  Danielle Savory: That's it.
• 20:01
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, I love the way that you just made that completely neutral and a biological thing, like your body thinks it's under attack.
• 20:08
  Michelle Gauthier: In that moment, it's okay that you do not want anyone else to touch you, totally fine.
• 20:13
  Danielle Savory: Yeah, and communicating that with your partner, like now my husband understands and even if he still does it, I give him the eye, and he's like, I know, I know it's not welcome right now, like I'm sorry, right, and like backs off.
• 20:25
  Danielle Savory: And he's like, I'm gonna give you food and you are just gonna want me, and I was like, yeah, right, and then I eat, and think, okay, you look kind of cute now.
• 20:33
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, it works.
• 20:34
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, exactly.
• 20:35
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, we can talk now.
• 20:37
  Michelle Gauthier: Will you cuddle me?
• 20:38
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, I love that.
• 20:40
  Michelle Gauthier: He knows that.
• 20:41
  Michelle Gauthier: He's like, I won't touch you, I'm just going to make you a grilled cheese.
• 20:43
  Michelle Gauthier: Yes, you're going to see how I feel.
• 20:46
  Danielle Savory: He's like, I feel like you're not going to be mad at me in 30 minutes after I feed you and I'm like,
• 20:50
  Michelle Gauthier: That's so funny.
• 20:50
  Michelle Gauthier: I heard you say on one of your recent podcasts and this was, I thought, kind of mind-blowing, that it's easier for us to take care of other people than to prioritize or take care of ourselves, and I feel like every single person listening to this podcast takes care of other people and prioritizes other people, often before themselves.
• 21:17
  Michelle Gauthier: So can you tell me a little bit more about that and how that ties in with sex and pleasure?
• 21:22
  Danielle Savory: Yeah, it came from this conversation I was having with my client and I think it's easy, especially if you're the main caretaker, and even if you're not, most of us women are caretaking, whether it's in our home or in our business.
• 21:38
  Danielle Savory: We're giving a lot, we're taking care of each other a lot, and the giving becomes - what I want to say, it's not easy.
• 21:45
  Danielle Savory: I don't want to say, oh, taking care of your aging parents is easy, or taking care of young children is easy, or having teenagers in your house is easy.
• 21:52
  Danielle Savory: It's not easy in that, but it's easier for us to fall into that role because it's become habit, because this is what society has really laid out for us, that we are meant to be doing or that we should be doing.
• 22:07
  Danielle Savory: We know how to do that.
• 22:08
  Danielle Savory: We don't know how to pause and say no to the giving and the doing so that we could take a 20-minute nap.
• 22:18
  Danielle Savory: We don't know how to say no to all of the to-do lists or the PTA or whatever might be coming your way, or the boss's late-night email, can you hurry and get this done?
• 22:28
  Danielle Savory: We don't know how to say no to that and prioritize feeling good, feeling rested, feeling taken care of.
• 22:37
  Danielle Savory: And so when I say it's easier, it's always easier to take care of other people, it's not because the task itself is easier, but because it's more practiced.
• 22:46
  Danielle Savory: And so, when it comes to pleasure and when it comes to sex, it is not practiced for us to think about our pleasure, to wake up and be like how am I going to feel good today?
• 23:02
  Michelle Gauthier: It's like if I happen to have an open spot in my day where no one needs anything and I don't have anything to do, then I'll have some kind of pleasure in my life.
• 23:06
  Michelle Gauthier: And that never happens.
• 23:08
  Michelle Gauthier: It has to be on purpose, planned out.
• 23:11
  Michelle Gauthier: Yes, yeah.
• 23:13
  Danielle Savory: It's like I recently had a birthday, last week, and everyone was like oh, what are you doing?
• 23:17
  Danielle Savory: What are you doing?
• 23:17
  Danielle Savory: Like the assumption is, oh, it's your birthday, now is your time to treat yourself.
• 23:22
  Danielle Savory: You should go to the spa, you should get a massage.
• 23:25
  Danielle Savory: Why don't you go get like a pedicure or manicure?
• 23:27
  Danielle Savory: And it's like no, no, no, no.
• 23:28
  Danielle Savory: We do not need to like wait for our birthday or this day off.
• 23:31
  Danielle Savory: And I'm not saying that we need to stack our day with spa appointments or something like that.
• 23:36
  Danielle Savory: That would be great.
• 23:38
  Danielle Savory: That's not my reality and I know that's not the reality for most people.
• 23:41
  Danielle Savory: But when you think about it more from the lens of feeling good and understanding that you can feel good in your body, you can experience moment to moment pleasures.
• 23:52
  Danielle Savory: You can turn your attention to what's draining you and instead choosing what can fuel you and light you up, even if they're the same tasks.
• 24:02
  Danielle Savory: Like this is like, people are like well, I have all these to-do lists and I was like yeah, but we can approach them in a different way, where there is more pleasure being had and 20 minutes, whether it's 20 minutes to meditate or 20 minutes to take a nap or 20 minutes to like spend some time putting lotion on your body, like we're worth that time.
• 24:19
  Danielle Savory: That's not a lot of time, and so learning how to practice pleasure is huge, and it changes the game, especially when you start your morning, like of course I'm going to feel good.
• 24:30
  Danielle Savory: Like here's my day, here's my schedule, and how am I going to feel good?
• 24:34
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, I love that.
• 24:35
  Michelle Gauthier: If that's your first thought in the morning, the chances of something actually happening that is full of pleasure is so much better.
• 24:43
  Michelle Gauthier: I love that.
• 24:44
  Michelle Gauthier: I'm going to take that tip.
• 24:45
  Michelle Gauthier: I have so many questions for you and I also want to hear the results that some of your clients have gotten, but I think the last one that I'll ask you is, typically speaking, kids wreck our sex lives.
• 25:00
  Michelle Gauthier: I feel like most people I talk to say, "It's like it used to be so great and we used to have this connection, and now it's just gone", and so I'm wondering in your opinion, can we get that back?
• 25:11
  Michelle Gauthier: Is that something that can come back for couples?
• 25:13
  Michelle Gauthier: If somebody's listening right now and they're like, oh, I'm sad, I miss that, it's just gone though.
• 25:23
  Danielle Savory: Absolutely, I'm living proof of it, and many of my clients are too.
• 25:25
  Danielle Savory: It's like I definitely - and I think it's also understanding that where the age of your children are at is going to make a difference.
• 25:31
  Danielle Savory: But we don't have to mean like, oh, I, you know, I miss that, I, you know, I want that.
• 25:37
  Danielle Savory: I think part of it is like this pining for something that once was, that isn't anymore, that is part of the problem, where instead we could look at - you know, it's even like, my pre-nursing boobs were fabulous, like I miss those.
• 25:50
  Danielle Savory: But I'm not like sitting dwelling around like, God, I just wish I had those boobs back.
• 25:56
  Danielle Savory: You know, it's like there has to be a grief period for a lot of things, and then we're going to move on, and how can I just love them now?
• 26:06
  Danielle Savory: Right, and it's like with my marriage and every single chapter that we go through it's like, oh, but we get this now.
• 26:14
  Danielle Savory: Like we love this now and oh, this is so fun now.
• 26:17
  Danielle Savory: And you can grieve.
• 26:20
  Danielle Savory: I think that's a huge part of it, grieving what once was, but not thinking like that was the best of us or that was the best of the years.
• 26:27
  Danielle Savory: You know, I feel like my sex life keeps getting better and better and my intimacy with my husband keeps getting better and better, and I believe that's possible for most couples, if that's your intent, if that's what you both want together, to grow together and to learn how to find those moments and understanding that it is different.
• 26:47
  Danielle Savory: So it was like this when they were younger and we still do this now.
• 26:50
  Danielle Savory: Right, but it's like nap time quote unquote.
• 26:53
  Danielle Savory: You can't see my air quotes, but like nap time on the weekends was our chance, because at the time, at nighttime, we were kind of tired and we didn't know how bedtime was going to go and you know if I was nursing or pumping, you know.
• 27:06
  Danielle Savory: So we were able to carve out like nap time and, I think, finding those small moments of intimacy throughout the day.
• 27:14
  Danielle Savory: Like you might not be able to like take all of your clothes off and like have a nice, like two hour session with one another, but you can connect, like, you can hug each other and you can kiss with an open mouth and you can hold hands every once in a while.
• 27:28
  Danielle Savory: Or you can remind yourself to look across the dinner table at your partner and remember why you fell in love with them.
• 27:36
  Danielle Savory: Like, remember that this is your person, that is your lover, not just your roommate.
• 27:41
  Danielle Savory: They're not just going through all the tasks of parenting, but like, oh, he's pretty cute.
• 27:47
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, I love that, yeah, exactly.
• 27:49
  Michelle Gauthier: Or he cooks a good dinner, that one, I like it.
• 27:54
  Danielle Savory: Yeah.
• 27:54
  Danielle Savory: Or look at how he's asking the kids questions.
• 27:56
  Danielle Savory: Or cracking stupid dad jokes again, as stupid as they are.
• 27:57
  Danielle Savory: Like I love it,
• 28:04
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, yeah, exactly, he's so cute, oh good, so tell me some of the results that your clients get when they work with you.
• 28:14
  Danielle Savory: Yeah, well, I mean some of the just obvious results I want to say is more orgasms, better sex in general.
• 28:23
  Michelle Gauthier: Who would turn that down?
• 28:25
  Danielle Savory: Yeah, yes, yeah.
• 28:26
  Danielle Savory: But I think the thing that's the most surprising for all my clients even though they hear it going through is how different it changes outside of the bedroom.
• 28:35
  Danielle Savory: It's like, yes, the orgasms, the sex get better.
• 28:38
  Danielle Savory: But you know, it's that energy that you feel, where you're like playful again, where you're feeling kind of just this sashay or like this, like pep to your step.
• 28:49
  Danielle Savory: I feel like that, to me, is the most profound thing change I see in clients.
• 28:56
  Danielle Savory: It's like, yes, the sex gets better.
• 28:57
  Danielle Savory: Yes, you want it again.
• 28:59
  Danielle Savory: Yes, it becomes regular.
• 29:00
  Danielle Savory: I remember one client, she got on a call and she was so upset because she wanted it and her husband didn't, and I was like, hold on, can we make this a celebration?
• 29:11
  Danielle Savory: Because when you first came to me you never wanted it, you never wanted to have sex again, and now you're experiencing rejection, like that's like this is a high class problem.
• 29:21
  Michelle Gauthier: This is pretty good.
• 29:23
  Danielle Savory: Like, let's just acknowledge that.
• 29:25
  Danielle Savory: It's like, yes, the desire, yes, the orgasms, yes that.
• 29:28
  Danielle Savory: But it's like walking around with this full spectrum of human, you know, experiences, you know, when you open up to pleasure you really get to see all the different colors in our color wheel.
• 29:42
  Danielle Savory: The life becomes vibrant.
• 29:44
  Danielle Savory: I've had multiple clients explain it not knowing that other people had explained it this way that it's like Dorothy, when she comes out of Kansas, it's all of a sudden it's like technicolor.
• 29:54
  Danielle Savory: And you don't realize, like how vibrant and how juicy and delicious like your life can be when we're consistently operating on this low level of like simmer of stress all the time, when we're operating on autopilot.
• 30:09
  Danielle Savory: Like it wakes you up to just a new way of being that feels really good but also just feels connected, like the way that I feel connected in my relationships and alive in my relationships, not just in the sheets.
• 30:24
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, oh, that's so awesome.
• 30:26
  Michelle Gauthier: I feel like who wouldn't want that too?
• 30:28
  Michelle Gauthier: I mean, imagine how just going to work in the morning would feel so different if you just felt good and like life was full of technicolor, of the land of Oz.
• 30:48
  Danielle Savory: When you're laughing in traffic and you're listening to music and you're singing at the top of your lungs - like you see those people, and you're like, why would you be doing that?
• 30:49
  Danielle Savory: I'm running late and it's like, yeah, that actually is possible.
• 30:51
  Danielle Savory: And it's not just this like Pollyanna nonsense.
• 30:54
  Danielle Savory: We still feel our heart feelings, we still have challenges and there's a levity to it.
• 31:00
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, yeah, that's awesome.
• 31:02
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, before we go, please tell us where people can find you if they're interested in working with you, and how they can work with you.
• 31:12
  Danielle Savory: Yeah, so you can find me on Instagram.
• 31:14
  Danielle Savory: It's @ thep ractice of pleasure.
• 31:16
  Danielle Savory: I like to pop in and do you know silly reels and videos and little little gems for you every once in a while, and then on my podcast, it's called It's My Pleasure, and then, if you want to work with me, you know there's a couple of freebies, like starting your morning off with this pleasure practice.
• 31:33
  Danielle Savory: I will give Michelle the link for that, but that's a great way to just start and that's a totally free course that I have for everyone.
• 31:41
  Danielle Savory: Or if you're in one of these long-term relationships and you're like, how do I really start to find that spark, I also have a free course called Fresh, and so you can check out either of those.
• 31:52
  Michelle Gauthier: Okay, awesome, and I know too.
• 31:55
  Michelle Gauthier: I would encourage everybody to follow you because you offer some great masterclasses from time to time.
• 32:00
  Michelle Gauthier: I've definitely taken and benefited from some of your classes, and those are always really fun too, so everybody should just follow you and start learning about the pleasure of life.
• 32:10
  Michelle Gauthier: Oh, my gosh, as a parting story, because I just remembered this, when you said about Instagram, can you please tell them about your love of your wool socks and how that plays into your sex life?
• 32:21
  Danielle Savory: Yes, well, it's so funny because it actually is a study.
• 32:25
  Danielle Savory: Like a study came out a number of years ago that people that wore socks had more orgasms or better orgasms than women that didn't, yeah.
• 32:32
  Danielle Savory: But the reason is like it's so - it's such a, I don't know the word that I'm looking for, like a misconception of why.
• 32:40
  Danielle Savory: So it's not really about the wool socks.
• 32:41
  Danielle Savory: I wear wool socks.
• 32:42
  Danielle Savory: I live in the Pacific Northwest because my feet get cold and I don't really care how ugly they look.
• 32:48
  Danielle Savory: My husband can deal with it.
• 32:49
  Danielle Savory: It's like this is me.
• 32:51
  Danielle Savory: But the reason why it helps so much is because when we are trying to land in our body, when we are trying to experience pleasure, there's so many things that are going to take us out of our body.
• 33:02
  Danielle Savory: If you're cold, your body and your brain is like, this is a big deal.
• 33:07
  Danielle Savory: We need to focus on being cold.
• 33:08
  Danielle Savory: Like what if she actually, like, gets hypothermia right?
• 33:12
  Danielle Savory: So like, imagine, like if you've ever watched Inside Out, like the little characters in your brain, like freaking out like she might get cold, she might get cold, emergency, right.
• 33:22
  Danielle Savory: And so when we think about there's all these little things that our brain is constantly scanning for threats, and if one of them is being cold, then put some socks on, like, make out in a cardigan, like I wear an open thing, cardigan and wool socks and I have no shame about it because it allows me to be more present with the pleasure and the sex that I'm having, and so that is like one of the many things like I know for me, I have like ADHD and neurodivergent brain.
• 33:50
  Danielle Savory: So sometimes if I'm really overstimulated wearing earplugs, closing my eyes, wearing, you know, an eye mask, wool socks, like all the things to minimize the distractions, so I can be fully in my body.
• 34:10
  Michelle Gauthier: Your husband probably gets excited when he sees the wool socks come out.
• 34:13
  Michelle Gauthier: Now he's like ooh, I know what this means.
• 34:15
  Danielle Savory: He's like the business socks.
• 34:16
  Danielle Savory: I don't know if you ever watched Flight of the Conchords.
• 34:18
  Danielle Savory: It's like a very old show.
• 34:20
  Danielle Savory: There was this whole skit they do with socks and he's like, I've got my business socks on, it means business time.
• 34:27
  Danielle Savory: Anyway.
• 34:28
  Danielle Savory: So I think of that.
• 34:29
  Danielle Savory: He's like oh, you got your business socks on.
• 34:32
  Danielle Savory: I was like you ready, I got my good ones.
• 34:34
  Michelle Gauthier: Exactly.
• 34:35
  Michelle Gauthier: Getting down to business, got my wool socks on, oh my goodness.
• 34:39
  Michelle Gauthier: Well, thank you so much.
• 34:45
  Michelle Gauthier: It was such a pleasure talking to you and I love everything you're doing.
• 34:47
  Michelle Gauthier: I think this could be so helpful to the overwhelmed working women who are listening today.
• 34:49
  Michelle Gauthier: So thank you so much.
• 34:51
  Michelle Gauthier: Yeah, thanks for having me.
• 34:53
  Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
• 35:00
  Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.
• 35:04
  Michelle Gauthier: com.
• 35:06
  Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.