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Transcript

#HURDLEMOMENT: Yasmine Cheyenne On How To Set Healthy Boundaries (& Keep Them) · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

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Speaker 1: When you don't have boundaries in place. It's not that
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Speaker 1: people are necessarily taking advantage of you. You have not
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Speaker 1: said no, so they believe the answer is yes.
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Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Emily Badi here, you are listening to an
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Speaker 2: installment of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle, a wileness focused podcast
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Speaker 2: where I connect with everyone from your favorite athletes to
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Speaker 2: top experts in industry CEOs about their highest hies, toughest moments,
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Speaker 2: and everything in between. We all go through hurdles in life,
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Speaker 2: and my goal through these discussions is to empower you
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Speaker 2: to better navigate yours and move with intentions so that
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Speaker 2: you can stride toward your big potential and of course
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Speaker 2: have some fun along the way.
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Speaker 3: I am so excited to bring you.
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Speaker 2: A really special conversation that I had recently with Yasmine Cheyenne.
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Speaker 2: She is the host of the sugar Jar podcast, a
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Speaker 2: self healing expert as well as an advocate for mental wellness,
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Speaker 2: and for today's episode, we are chatting all about boundaries.
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Speaker 2: What are boundaries, how to set boundaries, how to not
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Speaker 2: feel guilty about your boundaries? So much goodness in this episode.
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Speaker 2: I'll be the first person to say that over the
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Speaker 2: last few years, establishing and maintaining my boundaries has been
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Speaker 2: something that has been both truly difficult and also very empowering.
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Speaker 2: And so my hope for you today as you listen
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Speaker 2: to this is first and foremost to understand that boundaries
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Speaker 2: are a critical, critical part to your overall self care
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Speaker 2: and mental well being. It is so important that you
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Speaker 2: are in tune with where you are firm in your life,
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Speaker 2: and that stems from as well, knowing your values and
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Speaker 2: being able to articulate what those are. And we talk
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Speaker 2: all about that in today's episode. So grateful for Yasmine's
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Speaker 2: energy and her amazing perspective. I learned so much from
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Speaker 2: this conversation. I felt like it came at the perfect
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Speaker 2: time for me, and I hope you feel the same.
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Speaker 2: Make sure you are following along with Hurdle over on
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Speaker 2: social It's at Hurdle podcast. I am over at Emily
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Speaker 2: a Body and with that, let's get to hurdling.
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Speaker 3: Today.
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Speaker 2: I'm sitting down with Yasmine Cheyenne. She is a self
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Speaker 2: healing expert. She's the host of the sugar Jar podcast.
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Speaker 2: How you doing today?
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Speaker 3: Good?
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Speaker 1: How are you? Thanks for having me?
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Speaker 3: Oh my god, thanks for joining me.
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Speaker 2: I am admittedly kind of on cloud nine because full disclosure,
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Speaker 2: this is the first week of an new season of
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Speaker 2: the show, and I felt really passionately about talking a
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Speaker 2: little personal wellness, self like just taking care of self
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Speaker 2: this week. And so this is why I'm so excited
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Speaker 2: to sit down with you, because we're here today to
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Speaker 2: talk about boundaries, among many many things, which is so
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Speaker 2: so important.
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Speaker 1: Yes, boundaries is everything. It's like the foundation of how
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Speaker 1: we should be interacting in relationships anyway, with ourselves and others.
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Speaker 3: It's so true. It's so true.
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Speaker 2: So before we start talking about how to set healthy boundaries,
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Speaker 2: why don't you give the hurdlers, as I love to
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Speaker 2: call my audience, a little insight into how you became
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Speaker 2: a self healing expert, and you know, beyond that, I
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Speaker 2: know you're also an advocate for mental wellness.
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Speaker 3: So talk to me how you got into this word.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I think that, like many people, my
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Speaker 1: journey started with my own my own healing journey. But actually,
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Speaker 1: when I was on active duty in the military, I
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Speaker 1: was working with victims of crime, domestic violence, you know, assault,
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Speaker 1: all kinds of really tough crimes and experiences for people
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Speaker 1: to go through and while I was doing that, I
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Speaker 1: realized that they weren't really being given anything that would
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Speaker 1: help them in terms of their healing. And that's when
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Speaker 1: I really started to begin to get curious about, like,
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Speaker 1: why are we doing more? Why am I just giving
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Speaker 1: these forms to file? You know, how are they going
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Speaker 1: to pay for therapy? Like we're not giving them money
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Speaker 1: for Like all of these things start to occur to me,
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Speaker 1: and that's when I really begin to say, Okay, well if.
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Speaker 1: And it's also where I started my introduction to trauma
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Speaker 1: because I realized I thought trauma was something that only happened,
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Speaker 1: you know. I didn't understand that trauma was something that
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Speaker 1: we could all experience. And so that's when I begin
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Speaker 1: to dive into my own healing journey because nothing will
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Speaker 1: introduce you or invite you to do your own healing,
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Speaker 1: like helping people heal, even though I wasn't doing or
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Speaker 1: facilitating work the way that I do today. And yeah,
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Speaker 1: that's how I kind of got into it, like almost
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Speaker 1: fifteen years ago.
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Speaker 2: Now so much to unpack here. Talk to us a
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Speaker 2: little bit about your military service.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I served on active duty in the
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Speaker 1: Air Force for five years on active duty five years reserve.
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Speaker 1: But when I was on active duty, I was in
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Speaker 1: the legal department. A lot of people know it's called Jack,
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Speaker 1: like the TV show from like twenty years ago or something.
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Speaker 1: And I didn't have a traditional military experience. Because of that,
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Speaker 1: I again serve and I always I will always, I
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Speaker 1: will always say that I didn't have a traditional military
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Speaker 1: experience because I really didn't belong there. I was always
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Speaker 1: trying to find a way to ben the rules, break
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Speaker 1: the rules, to be doing things like this. This doesn't
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Speaker 1: make sense. We should be helping people. We should. So
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Speaker 1: I didn't really fit. But I you know, when I
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Speaker 1: was in legal I getting the opportunity to prosecute and
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Speaker 1: do things like that. That victim advocacy two years really
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Speaker 1: changed everything for me. I knew I had to get out.
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Speaker 1: I knew I was in the wrong place. I didn't
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Speaker 1: know what I was going to be doing, but I
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Speaker 1: definitely knew that what I was doing was not it.
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Speaker 3: Wow, and where were you stationed for this?
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Speaker 1: I was stationed in Georgia. But you know, I've been
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Speaker 1: all over I've you know, been all over the US.
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Speaker 1: I've deployed, and so I think doing something like that
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Speaker 1: so young leaving. You know, I'm from Brooklyn, so leaving
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Speaker 1: Brooklyn so young doing something like that, being from New York,
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Speaker 1: you think that like you really have a grasp on
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Speaker 1: the world because it's such a There's so much happening
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Speaker 1: in New York and in Brooklyn, and you get access
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Speaker 1: to so many different kinds of people. And leaving New
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Speaker 1: York was when I realized, oh wow, so actually the
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Speaker 1: rest of the United States is more in common than
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Speaker 1: anything that's happening in New York. And it's where I
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Speaker 1: really begin to, you know, experience other things, other people,
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Speaker 1: other places, and which is such an important part of
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Speaker 1: the work that I do today.
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Speaker 2: You mentioned feeling as though, you know, things should have
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Speaker 2: been a different way. What inspired you to get into
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Speaker 2: that line of work to begin with.
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Speaker 1: Well, you know, joining the military was really I'm nineteen,
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Speaker 1: I'm not in college. I want to do something with
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Speaker 1: my life. It was a very like I'm at the
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Speaker 1: mall and there's a recruiters office, let's go in. Like
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Speaker 1: you know, I was much, very much a risk taker,
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Speaker 1: and I just went in signed up, and like a
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Speaker 1: month later I left. I didn't really understand what I
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Speaker 1: was doing or signing up for and just thank goodness
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Speaker 1: I got into a career field where I was able
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Speaker 1: to actually do something that I feel was really impactful
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Speaker 1: to people.
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Speaker 3: Something to double click on.
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Speaker 2: You said that for which really resonated with me as
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Speaker 2: a person who's also made it her mission to help others.
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Speaker 3: Is the idea that you.
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Speaker 2: Don't truly, truly dive into your own healing until you're
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Speaker 2: trying to help others do the same for you, When
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Speaker 2: you started to get into this line of work, did
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Speaker 2: you start to realize truly a lot of the trauma
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Speaker 2: that you hadn't really focused on in your past.
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Speaker 1: No, you know, so I actually kind of did the reverse,
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Speaker 1: So I didn't do any real facilitating until I felt
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Speaker 1: like I was strong enough to hold space. I talk
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Speaker 1: about this sometimes, but I feel like and there is
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Speaker 1: no point of being fully healed. There's no point of
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Speaker 1: being fully on the other side. But there is a
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Speaker 1: point when you're facilitator or healing work that you should
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Speaker 1: be able to hold space for people, be present to people,
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Speaker 1: be aware of your own triggers, not project, and be
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Speaker 1: fully present for the person's excit experience. And so a
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Speaker 1: lot of that work that I needed to do to
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Speaker 1: be able to do that I did before I started
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Speaker 1: holding space for others. But to also answer your question,
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Speaker 1: there are times where I am facilitating or doing one
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Speaker 1: on one sessions or writing my book like I'm doing
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Speaker 1: doing right now, where I recognize, wow, you know this,
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Speaker 1: just this has unpacked a whole nother layer that I
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Speaker 1: wasn't even aware of. And I'm thankful to be able
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Speaker 1: to hold that for myself until afterwards and then you know,
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Speaker 1: unpack it with myself or with my own therapist, et cetera.
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Speaker 2: I think that the natural first question that someone has
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Speaker 2: when they hear, you know, a designation like a self
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Speaker 2: healing expert, is well, what makes you an expert? So
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Speaker 2: before we start to preach on boundaries, let's give some
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Speaker 2: more context to that.
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Speaker 1: So, yeah, so I started uh teaching somef self healing
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Speaker 1: ten years ago, and what I was doing was actually,
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Speaker 1: it's a funny story. So when I recognized that I
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Speaker 1: wanted to do healing, I knew that I wanted to
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Speaker 1: help people feel better, and I imagine that that would
10:15
Speaker 1: be through clothes, and so I became a stylist and
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Speaker 1: I did that for a couple of years. But in
10:21
Speaker 1: my styling sessions, we never talked about clothes. They were
10:25
Speaker 1: always about the it's because it's never about the clothes,
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Speaker 1: and it's never about the makeup, and it's never about
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Speaker 1: any of that stuff. But we would talk about the
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Speaker 1: feelings and the societal norms and all of the things
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Speaker 1: that led to people feeling this way. And that's when
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Speaker 1: I really begin to get my certifications. Go through my
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Speaker 1: own excursions, everything from legitimate in a classroom learning how
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Speaker 1: to facilitate, to the middle of Mount Shasta excursions and
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Speaker 1: all kinds of woo woo things that I've done to
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Speaker 1: explore what self healing could be like. And through all
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Speaker 1: of those things, all of those trainings my college educate,
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Speaker 1: you know, everything, I begin to build self healing frameworks,
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Speaker 1: which basically means teaching people how to be able to
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Speaker 1: access healing for themselves. Almost I don't know how many
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Speaker 1: students later, maybe even seventy thousand people I've been able
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Speaker 1: to My work has been able to reach one hundred
11:23
Speaker 1: thousand people. I don't know, you know, probably more than that.
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Speaker 1: I'm probably being modest, but having people come back to
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Speaker 1: me and share with me, I finally feel like I
11:31
Speaker 1: can journal because I thought that I had to do
11:34
Speaker 1: it this way, I finally feel like a lot of
11:36
Speaker 1: people are afraid to go to therapy because they don't
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Speaker 1: even know how to have those internal conversations with themselves. First,
11:42
Speaker 1: what am I even going to therapy to talk about?
11:44
Speaker 1: My life is fine? You know, things are a little
11:47
Speaker 1: bit messed up, or things are a little bit this.
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Speaker 1: But if I, you know, if I quit my job
11:50
Speaker 1: and find a new job, everything will be fine. Or
11:52
Speaker 1: you know, if my boyfriend will finally start doing what
11:54
Speaker 1: I need them to do, things will be fine, or
11:56
Speaker 1: if I you know, there's no grasp. And what I
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Speaker 1: think is the reason I think self healing is so
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Speaker 1: important and the reason why I teach it and I
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Speaker 1: actually call myself an expert until someone else did, is
12:07
Speaker 1: that I think it's important for people to have that
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Speaker 1: self awareness and self inquiry before we can even start
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Speaker 1: the process. And I'm honored to be doing this part
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Speaker 1: of the work that gives them the invitation to explore
12:22
Speaker 1: all of the other areas of wellness and healing.
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Speaker 2: How many people can relate to what you just also said,
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Speaker 2: which is I didn't even call myself an expert until
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Speaker 2: somebody else did, because again, it's that like in pastor
12:32
Speaker 2: syndrome moment. Right, It's like you literally just listed off
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Speaker 2: so many things you did, from schooling to legitimate expeditions,
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Speaker 2: yet you needed someone else to just like pop in
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Speaker 2: and validate that you're doing pretty good at what you
12:46
Speaker 2: want to do.
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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, isn't that the truth? You know? I
12:48
Speaker 1: think that I don't struggle as much with imposter syndrome now,
12:53
Speaker 1: but I definitely felt like, you know, I just wanted
12:56
Speaker 1: to make sure that I was focusing on what I
12:58
Speaker 1: was doing in the teaching, and I didn't want to,
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Speaker 1: you know, put expert on the end of it. It felt,
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Speaker 1: and I think it's important to just talk about I'm
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Speaker 1: glad you mentioned that because when we do work and
13:09
Speaker 1: when we dedicate decades years of our lives to learning
13:14
Speaker 1: how to teach, and we actually have the proof to
13:17
Speaker 1: show that we are good at what we're doing, we
13:22
Speaker 1: should honor that and step into it. And there's there's
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Speaker 1: such especially for women and especially for black I'm a
13:29
Speaker 1: black woman, so there's often this, well, I don't want
13:32
Speaker 1: to be too you know much, or I want to
13:35
Speaker 1: stay humble, or I don't want to overstep, and it's
13:39
Speaker 1: like no overstep, like no, just step into it, be grounded,
13:43
Speaker 1: stand in firm and who you are and what you do.
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Speaker 1: And I think that's important too.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I can totally relate to it because
13:52
Speaker 2: only recently did I start referring to myself I would
13:55
Speaker 2: say as a wellness expert. I also have a personal
13:58
Speaker 2: training certification, a ront coach Notificational Level one Precision Nutrition certification.
14:02
Speaker 2: I've been writing and editing health and wellness content for
14:05
Speaker 2: the better part of a.
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Speaker 3: Decade now, like I've been doing the work.
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Speaker 2: But I agree it's difficult sometimes to step into that
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Speaker 2: because you want to keep that humbleness right. But it's
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Speaker 2: almost it kind of reminds me of this idea that
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Speaker 2: you can be kind and firm, you know what I mean,
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Speaker 2: Like you can be a good person but also firm
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Speaker 2: and who you are and not need to let people
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Speaker 2: perhaps push your boundaries, which is what we're about to
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Speaker 2: get into here. So yes, I can totally. I can
14:37
Speaker 2: totally relate to where you're coming from. Full circle moment,
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Speaker 2: back to boundaries. So I have listened to you speak
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Speaker 2: a bit about this on the Sugar Jar podcast. How
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Speaker 2: long have you been podcasting?
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Speaker 1: I have been podcasting. I just start last year, I
14:54
Speaker 1: used to do a lot of episodes, and after doing
14:57
Speaker 1: episodes with others, they would say, you need to do
14:59
Speaker 1: your own podcasts.
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Speaker 3: I love that for you. I had the pleasure just
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Speaker 3: like I know that you have.
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Speaker 2: And I saw that you were on her show as
15:06
Speaker 2: well to chat with Alex l and I mean talk
15:09
Speaker 2: about some really beautiful work that she does as well
15:12
Speaker 2: as the work that you do.
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Speaker 3: It was really awesome to hear the two of you connect.
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Speaker 1: She's an amazing friend.
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Speaker 3: I love Alex Yeah, for sure, for sure.
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Speaker 2: So, Okay, boundaries, why don't we start by why don't
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Speaker 2: we start by giving.
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Speaker 3: A loose definition of boundaries.
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Speaker 1: So my definition of boundaries is boundaries are the rules
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Speaker 1: or regulations or standards that we put in place that
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Speaker 1: basically form the idea of how I interact with this person, place,
15:44
Speaker 1: or thing, this commitment, or myself. So boundaries are what
15:49
Speaker 1: is okay what is not okay? And then boundaries need
15:53
Speaker 1: to be a verb, meaning there has to be action
15:56
Speaker 1: taken for the boundary to exist. So you can't have
15:59
Speaker 1: a bound imaginarily in your head. You can't have a
16:03
Speaker 1: boundary that you think about and you think people should
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Speaker 1: just know what it is unless it's like touching your
16:07
Speaker 1: hair or touching your body without your permission, like people
16:10
Speaker 1: should just know that's not okay. And so that's the
16:13
Speaker 1: definition of boundaries and the reason why I mentioned that
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Speaker 1: part where it needs to be a verb needs to
16:17
Speaker 1: be action because unless you advocate for the boundary, unless
16:20
Speaker 1: you share it, either by your actions or by the
16:25
Speaker 1: way that you communicate it to others or yourself, then
16:29
Speaker 1: they don't exist. So, for example, if you don't want
16:31
Speaker 1: to pick up your phone after seven o'clock because you
16:33
Speaker 1: want to go to bed early, you can set a
16:35
Speaker 1: boundary where you do not disturb on your phone. You
16:38
Speaker 1: don't have to tell everyone in your context lists that
16:41
Speaker 1: you're going to bed early. Now, the boundary is the
16:43
Speaker 1: do not disturb. You have to enforce it by not
16:46
Speaker 1: answering your text after seven o'clock. That's an uncommunicated boundary.
16:52
Speaker 1: A communicated boundary is something like, hey, don't wear shoes
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Speaker 1: at my house.
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Speaker 2: I only recently started enforcing this boundary in my new apartment.
17:01
Speaker 2: And let me tell you what I learned about this
17:04
Speaker 2: is it is monumental. I have a white part in
17:06
Speaker 2: my carpet in my living room and I was so
17:09
Speaker 2: hesitant to buy the carpet because I thought, oh my goodness,
17:12
Speaker 2: this is going to be dirty within a month.
17:13
Speaker 3: What am I doing?
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Speaker 2: It is still white and it's been four months. Anyway,
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Speaker 2: this is not what we're here to talk about. Why
17:22
Speaker 2: I think the next I mean, now that we've defined boundaries,
17:24
Speaker 2: talk to me about why having boundaries is essential for
17:28
Speaker 2: self care.
17:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, or for healing or for wellness or to feel good.
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Speaker 1: Boundaries are essential. They're what I call the foundation of healing.
17:37
Speaker 1: Without boundaries, the house doesn't stand. So if you are
17:42
Speaker 1: in a relationship where there are no boundaries, then people
17:45
Speaker 1: are able to take from you. People are able to
17:47
Speaker 1: and again this is with your permission. This is the key.
17:50
Speaker 1: When you don't have boundaries in place. It's not that
17:52
Speaker 1: people are necessarily taking advantage of you. You have not
17:56
Speaker 1: said no, so they believe the answer is yet yes,
18:00
Speaker 1: because you have not said anything, so with your permission,
18:03
Speaker 1: people have access to you. Or maybe you are saying yes,
18:07
Speaker 1: giving money, giving time, giving resources without with the knowing
18:13
Speaker 1: that you don't want to be doing it, but you
18:14
Speaker 1: feel like you should be doing it, or you feel
18:16
Speaker 1: like that's what a good person would do, or this
18:18
Speaker 1: is what a good daughter would do, a good you
18:20
Speaker 1: know partner, All of those, all of these societal norms
18:23
Speaker 1: that we have bought into that keep us from living
18:26
Speaker 1: fully in our alignment and our truth, that keep us
18:29
Speaker 1: from doing what we want to actually be doing. So boundaries,
18:34
Speaker 1: Without boundaries, we're most likely in relationships where we give
18:37
Speaker 1: too much, where we share too much, where we are
18:41
Speaker 1: giving more of ourselves than we have access to. And
18:43
Speaker 1: when we do that, we don't have enough left for ourselves.
18:46
Speaker 1: So self care cannot exist. When boundaries don't exist, you
18:50
Speaker 1: won't have time for it. It's just, unfortunately the truth.
18:54
Speaker 1: And so when people, you know, when I have clients
18:57
Speaker 1: share with me, you know, I don't have time for
19:00
Speaker 1: self care. You don't have boundaries. Most likely is what
19:04
Speaker 1: is happening or you said yes, or over commit it
19:07
Speaker 1: yourself to things. And sometimes it's not even about people
19:09
Speaker 1: around you. Sometimes it's like I have a goal. I
19:11
Speaker 1: want to accomplish all of these things by the time
19:13
Speaker 1: I'm thirty five. I've moved the age up as I
19:16
Speaker 1: age forty, I want to accomplish all these things by
19:19
Speaker 1: this certain age, And so I over commit myself because
19:23
Speaker 1: I'm trying to reach this goal. When I n actuality,
19:26
Speaker 1: I'm exhausted, I'm drained, I'm unhappy, And boundaries help us
19:31
Speaker 1: to still go for those goals, still have commitments, still
19:36
Speaker 1: have friends, have family, people in our lives, have a life.
19:39
Speaker 1: But to have an actual life where we feel good
19:43
Speaker 1: on a regular basis, You're still going to have ups
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Speaker 1: and downs with boundaries. Life is not going to be
19:47
Speaker 1: a fairy tale with boundaries, but you will at least
19:51
Speaker 1: have access and awareness of what you're saying yes and
19:53
Speaker 1: no to and why. And another thing too that boundaries
19:57
Speaker 1: helps us to not carry is resentment. Of us are
20:00
Speaker 1: carrying resentment and anger because we're doing things that we
20:04
Speaker 1: feel we should be doing that we don't want to
20:06
Speaker 1: be doing. And boundaries is a way to second like,
20:09
Speaker 1: check yourself, Why am I saying yes to this?
20:13
Speaker 3: Yeah? Check yourself. It's interesting.
20:16
Speaker 2: I mean, you gave the practical example before about the
20:20
Speaker 2: boundary of the do not disturb and shutting your phone
20:22
Speaker 2: down at seven o'clock at night. I got a question
20:26
Speaker 2: not all that long ago from herd a listener, and
20:29
Speaker 2: she was saying that she was having a difficult time
20:32
Speaker 2: in her friendships and relationships because she is training for
20:36
Speaker 2: a marathon, and it seems as though all of her
20:39
Speaker 2: friends don't seem to understand how important this is to her,
20:43
Speaker 2: why she can't be out and about all the time.
20:46
Speaker 2: And I message her back and we actually had a
20:49
Speaker 2: really beautiful discussion about boundaries and about how it can
20:53
Speaker 2: be really important for her in that situation to reatter
20:56
Speaker 2: to them how important it is for her to have
20:59
Speaker 2: them in her life.
21:00
Speaker 3: But she just needs to do it in a different
21:01
Speaker 3: way at this time.
21:04
Speaker 1: Yeah, in situations like that where I have not ran
21:08
Speaker 1: a marathon. I've ran a half, but even that was exhausting.
21:11
Speaker 1: I can imagine the amount of training and time commitment.
21:14
Speaker 1: So she set the boundary. The boundary is I am
21:17
Speaker 1: training for a marathon, and so I don't have a
21:19
Speaker 1: lot of time for other things right now. And the
21:22
Speaker 1: hard part about boundaries is, of course the enforcing them,
21:24
Speaker 1: the conversations like why can't you come out and drink,
21:27
Speaker 1: why can't you come to the party, why can't you
21:29
Speaker 1: do this thing? And so that's usually the part of
21:33
Speaker 1: boundaries that causes people to use like a spades term
21:37
Speaker 1: renig to, you know, to want to come back and say, well,
21:41
Speaker 1: don't I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't
21:43
Speaker 1: want to make my friends uncomfortable, or I don't want
21:46
Speaker 1: to be uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable in the guilt that I
21:49
Speaker 1: feel about how you feel about me having these boundaries.
21:53
Speaker 1: So maybe I'm overreacting, Maybe I'm doing too much, And
21:55
Speaker 1: we begin to second guests choosing ourselves or choosing what
21:58
Speaker 1: matters to us because someone's a little bit uncomfortable about
22:03
Speaker 1: the way that we're choosing to live our lives. And
22:06
Speaker 1: that's the dance that we are in with boundaries, constantly
22:11
Speaker 1: having to come back to ourselves and say, like, am
22:13
Speaker 1: I actually overreacting about wanting to go to sleep early
22:15
Speaker 1: so that I can run in the morning. No, Like,
22:19
Speaker 1: is this going to be something that's uncomfortable for them
22:21
Speaker 1: because there's a change and a shift. Absolutely. Can I
22:24
Speaker 1: reassure them that our relationship still matters to me? Yes?
22:29
Speaker 1: Is it my work to help them on the journey
22:32
Speaker 1: of their discomfort about me running this marathon? Absolutely not.
22:36
Speaker 1: That's something that they need to work through. Why I
22:38
Speaker 1: feel the way I feel about my friend doing this thing,
22:43
Speaker 1: and it's it's it's that's an example that you know,
22:48
Speaker 1: people think boundaries are only for the big things and
22:50
Speaker 1: for everything, the big things, the things that seem little,
22:53
Speaker 1: the things that we consider to be little. That's something
22:55
Speaker 1: that someone might think I'm overreacting. It matters to you,
22:58
Speaker 1: and that's all that matters, is that it matters to you.
23:07
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Speaker 2: off your purchase today. And something else you said before
27:12
Speaker 2: the phrase, well what would a good person do? That
27:15
Speaker 2: can be just like so damning, right, And I don't
27:18
Speaker 2: mean to just like be that blunt about it, but
27:21
Speaker 2: it could be something as simple as perhaps someone that
27:24
Speaker 2: you've needed to create a boundary in your life, you
27:27
Speaker 2: haven't spoken in quite some time, and then their birthday
27:30
Speaker 2: rolls around, and it's like talk about the birthday boundary,
27:34
Speaker 2: Like do you say happy birthday? Is this good for
27:36
Speaker 2: your self care? Is this good for your mental illness?
27:39
Speaker 2: I feel like there are so many instances in life
27:40
Speaker 2: where you might not want this person to think that
27:43
Speaker 2: you don't want to celebrate them, But that doesn't mean
27:45
Speaker 2: that it's good for your mental well being?
27:47
Speaker 1: Right, I honestly always ask myself and share with clients,
27:51
Speaker 1: or I'm facilitating, like if I have to go back
27:55
Speaker 1: and forth in my head, if I'm feeling anxiety about
27:59
Speaker 1: even texting, calling, I have to prepare myself physically and
28:03
Speaker 1: mentally for a text. That is the answer. The answer
28:07
Speaker 1: is this is I'm uncomfortable. I don't want to do this, amen,
28:11
Speaker 1: And it's like you yet they may think, they may
28:15
Speaker 1: think you're not a quote unquote good person. Is it true?
28:19
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we have to do this, you know,
28:21
Speaker 1: like what I call fact checking ourselves, Like is it
28:23
Speaker 1: actually true that I'm not a good person? Or have
28:26
Speaker 1: I learned over time that the way that we are
28:29
Speaker 1: in relationship with each other is not helpful to my
28:32
Speaker 1: mental health? And I am now taking care of myself.
28:35
Speaker 3: You are just speaking to my soul, speaking to my soul.
28:40
Speaker 1: Okay.
28:40
Speaker 2: So, I mean we've talked about just now, we've wrapped
28:43
Speaker 2: about the importance of boundaries. But as we're kind of
28:46
Speaker 2: getting into here, the practice of establishing and up keeping
28:51
Speaker 2: them can be quite difficult.
28:54
Speaker 3: So let's jam on that.
28:57
Speaker 2: How does at first someone even be begin to articulate
29:02
Speaker 2: their boundaries?
29:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, that's probably the hardest part. And I
29:06
Speaker 1: always suggest starting with self boundaries. Self boundaries are the
29:10
Speaker 1: boundaries we set with ourselves, the way that we take
29:12
Speaker 1: care of ourselves. If I say I'm going to do
29:15
Speaker 1: this thing. If I'm running the marathon and I know
29:17
Speaker 1: that I need to eat a certain amount or drink
29:18
Speaker 1: enough water or whatever, that's a boundary. Am I doing
29:22
Speaker 1: those things that I said that I'm going to do
29:25
Speaker 1: for myself? With myself? If I said I'm going to
29:28
Speaker 1: go to sleep at a certain time, am I following
29:30
Speaker 1: that boundary? If I said I'm not going to drink
29:33
Speaker 1: or I'm gonna only have one drink, whatever it is,
29:35
Speaker 1: am I am I following what I said with myself.
29:37
Speaker 1: And the reason why that's so important is because it's
29:40
Speaker 1: hard to set boundaries externally. It's hard to have that
29:43
Speaker 1: communicative conversation externally when we aren't having those conversations with
29:49
Speaker 1: ourselves internally. So I don't even know what I'm actually
29:52
Speaker 1: advocating for. I know I'm uncomfortable, I don't I don't
29:56
Speaker 1: know what to say about why I'm uncomfortable. And when
30:00
Speaker 1: we have that internally, you know, when we start to
30:02
Speaker 1: talk to her, I'm uncomfortable because I haven't drink water
30:04
Speaker 1: while I didn't drink water because I worked past my alarm.
30:07
Speaker 1: You know, we begin to recognize, oh, that's what that
30:09
Speaker 1: uncomfort is. Because in the beginning, the discomfort just feels
30:13
Speaker 1: like sometimes anger or exhaustion or resentment or projection. We
30:21
Speaker 1: don't actually know what it is until we start to
30:25
Speaker 1: have that self awareness, which is why I feel like
30:28
Speaker 1: that's where the self healing helps us to build that
30:30
Speaker 1: muscle to say, oh, I need to set this boundary
30:35
Speaker 1: with myself. I probably also need to set this boundary
30:38
Speaker 1: with others. And in the practice, like you were sharing
30:41
Speaker 1: or are asking, we don't always have to communicate our boundaries.
30:45
Speaker 1: We don't always have to say, hey, can I sit
30:47
Speaker 1: down with you because I have a new boundary, Like
30:50
Speaker 1: I really didn't want to buy this carpet, but I
30:52
Speaker 1: really wanted this carpet, and so, you know, we don't
30:55
Speaker 1: have to have that conversation. It's like, hey, if you
30:57
Speaker 1: want to come inside, you have to take your shoes off.
31:00
Speaker 1: Why is I mean? Is it kind of you know?
31:03
Speaker 1: It could be common sense for some, but sometimes we're
31:09
Speaker 1: just sharing what the boundary is, right, we don't have
31:12
Speaker 1: to communicate or explain is a better way we don't
31:14
Speaker 1: have to explain why is important for this to happen.
31:17
Speaker 1: But then there are other boundaries where or practicing boundaries
31:19
Speaker 1: where if you're in a romantic relationship with your partner,
31:22
Speaker 1: you might have to say, hey, this is why I'm
31:24
Speaker 1: setting this boundary. You might have to have those tough
31:26
Speaker 1: conversations with kids, with parents, with people that you're in
31:28
Speaker 1: interpersonal relationships with. And so beginning to parse all of
31:34
Speaker 1: that out starts with the self, what do I need
31:37
Speaker 1: and how can I give it to myself? First, first
31:41
Speaker 1: and foremost.
31:42
Speaker 2: And I almost feel like you could even dial this
31:44
Speaker 2: back one more layer because this practice of establishing your
31:48
Speaker 2: bound boundaries and articulating what's important to you also likely
31:53
Speaker 2: stems from your personal values, right, So being able to
31:57
Speaker 2: sit down and articulate what it is in your life
32:00
Speaker 2: that is of importance to you, where you do want to,
32:02
Speaker 2: you know, give and donate your energy and really focus
32:05
Speaker 2: on absolutely.
32:07
Speaker 1: I mean that's where the sugar jar concept comes from
32:09
Speaker 1: that I teach from. Like you look at your jar,
32:12
Speaker 1: you know the jar, the glass jar itself is is you,
32:16
Speaker 1: is your boundaries. The sugar is your energy, your time,
32:20
Speaker 1: your money, all of the things that you can give
32:23
Speaker 1: or exchange, and then the lid is the permission. When
32:27
Speaker 1: you take the lid off, people can come in and
32:29
Speaker 1: have access to you. When you put the lid back on,
32:32
Speaker 1: they don't have access. Many of us have our jar
32:35
Speaker 1: in a kitchen where people are just rolling in and
32:37
Speaker 1: out taking out sugar. There's sugar all over the place,
32:39
Speaker 1: and you know, like our energy, like our time, like
32:42
Speaker 1: our money. When sugar spills, it's you're not going to
32:46
Speaker 1: get all of it back, right, So then we're having
32:49
Speaker 1: to fill ourselves back up. But it's hard to keep
32:51
Speaker 1: your jar full if people are just coming in and out,
32:54
Speaker 1: you know, constantly using it for whatever. So you have
32:58
Speaker 1: to put your lid on. But in order to put
33:00
Speaker 1: your lid on, you have to know your lid is off.
33:03
Speaker 1: You have to know that it's you and it's it's
33:06
Speaker 1: I think the values are important, but I notice that
33:11
Speaker 1: the This is just in my experience with clients that
33:14
Speaker 1: that doesn't come until they start to say no. That
33:17
Speaker 1: usually doesn't click until they start to they know they're uncomfortable.
33:20
Speaker 1: They're like, hey, I actually don't It could be something
33:22
Speaker 1: like a birthday party. I don't want to go to
33:23
Speaker 1: that birthday party, not because I don't love them, but
33:26
Speaker 1: because I have worked tomorrow or whatever. And then when
33:30
Speaker 1: they say the no, when they do the first the
33:32
Speaker 1: first time, they advocate for themselves and maybe they get
33:36
Speaker 1: that projection or that pushback or whatever it is that
33:38
Speaker 1: they get from that person. If they get the yes,
33:41
Speaker 1: I understand, girl, I'm so happy for you, then it's like,
33:44
Speaker 1: oh my god, you know I set a boundary and
33:46
Speaker 1: their proud for me. That has happened maybe twice, and
33:50
Speaker 1: all of the people.
33:52
Speaker 3: Oh damn, you were giving them so much like this
33:54
Speaker 3: could happen to me.
33:56
Speaker 1: It definitely happens with people that you are in relationship
33:59
Speaker 1: with who are also in their own work.
34:00
Speaker 2: I was going to say that understand who you are
34:03
Speaker 2: and appreciate you and like your well being. It's that
34:06
Speaker 2: idea like, well, they have to show your cup up
34:08
Speaker 2: first so that you could you have to fill up
34:09
Speaker 2: your own sugar jar so that you can like, you know, it's.
34:13
Speaker 1: People who are taking care of their own sugar jars
34:15
Speaker 1: and taking care of themselves. It's not even about you,
34:17
Speaker 1: Like if they're taking care of themselves and they can
34:19
Speaker 1: also understand someone else taking care of themselves. If they're
34:22
Speaker 1: not taking care of themselves, and they're like, what do
34:24
Speaker 1: you mean you need time for yourself? But yeah, once
34:27
Speaker 1: they say that no, and they get that pushback or
34:29
Speaker 1: that projection or that that trigger, then they recognize, oh,
34:33
Speaker 1: I'm uncomfortable with this. Why am I uncomfortable with this?
34:36
Speaker 1: Because I'm uncomfortable with you know? So what do I need? Oh?
34:38
Speaker 1: I need to be in relationships with people who understand
34:41
Speaker 1: that I'm going to say no. Sometimes that's like the
34:43
Speaker 1: value building, the understanding starts to click together.
34:48
Speaker 3: Definitely, definitely, because people.
34:50
Speaker 1: Usually think they're about their values. Are I serve, I
34:53
Speaker 1: show up for my friends, I care for people, I'm
34:55
Speaker 1: a good person, I'm a kind person, I'm the strong person. Whatever.
34:59
Speaker 2: So we've talked to about the importance of establishing your
35:02
Speaker 2: values and the importance of starting these conversations with yourself
35:05
Speaker 2: first when it comes to setting boundaries. We've talked about
35:09
Speaker 2: also how it can be difficult to implement these when
35:11
Speaker 2: it comes to bringing other people into the mix. So
35:14
Speaker 2: do you have any perhaps tips to help the hurdlers
35:18
Speaker 2: get to that stage.
35:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, So, once you've started setting boundaries with yourself, you recognize, Okay,
35:24
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to set some boundaries with people
35:25
Speaker 1: in my life. It's really important to begin to be
35:30
Speaker 1: honest with yourself about who you're dealing with. That's the
35:32
Speaker 1: first place that we start in our dream mind. In
35:37
Speaker 1: our dream scenario, every single person will be estatic that
35:41
Speaker 1: we're putting a lid on our jar, that we're setting boundaries,
35:44
Speaker 1: that we're not giving all of ourselves away anymore. But unfortunately,
35:48
Speaker 1: a lot of people that were in relationship with, even
35:50
Speaker 1: people who love us, even people who are family, even
35:52
Speaker 1: people we have children with, all of them enjoy the
35:57
Speaker 1: parts of us that are boundaryless, and so it can
36:02
Speaker 1: feel for them sometimes like it can create energy of defensiveness.
36:08
Speaker 1: Why don't you want to continue to overgive to me?
36:11
Speaker 1: And so what you have to begin to ask yourself
36:16
Speaker 1: before you set these boundaries with people is do I
36:18
Speaker 1: have any evidence that this is someone who may not
36:21
Speaker 1: be able to handle this conversation? For example, are they
36:25
Speaker 1: in therapy, are they doing their own healing? Do they
36:29
Speaker 1: take care of themselves? Do we already have tense conversations
36:35
Speaker 1: or communications. The reason why it's important to do this
36:39
Speaker 1: is because sometimes even in the relationships that you want
36:43
Speaker 1: to set boundaries in or that you're hoping that boundaries
36:46
Speaker 1: will make the relationship easier. It's helpful to be honest
36:50
Speaker 1: with yourself about the possibility that these might be relationships
36:54
Speaker 1: that will drastically change when you set boundaries and what
36:58
Speaker 1: I mean by drastically changes and go away, because sometimes
37:04
Speaker 1: boundaries are the deal breaker for relationships. People don't want
37:07
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with you as a boundary person.
37:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, And I think that that is obviously
37:13
Speaker 2: where so many people struggle, right the idea of losing
37:19
Speaker 2: someone who at one point in time was very important
37:23
Speaker 2: to you. And it's not that all of a sudden
37:26
Speaker 2: you don't care about their well being, But at times
37:30
Speaker 2: it's like you can only give and give and gifts
37:32
Speaker 2: so much until you realize that you're just hurting yourself
37:35
Speaker 2: in that process.
37:37
Speaker 1: It's so true, and I think why that's the first
37:39
Speaker 1: step is because it can be very jarring and shocking.
37:43
Speaker 1: Sometimes incredibly close people that you thought would be with
37:45
Speaker 1: you forever are the people that those relationships end in.
37:49
Speaker 1: Having that conversation with yourself doesn't make it easier, but
37:51
Speaker 1: it at least prepares you for the possibility that this
37:54
Speaker 1: is something that could happen. And then with the people
37:57
Speaker 1: that you think might be and this is this isn't
38:00
Speaker 1: people or projecting onto people, or you know, just being
38:02
Speaker 1: honest with yourself, like, based on the interactions I've had
38:05
Speaker 1: with them so far, what do I think I'm getting
38:06
Speaker 1: myself into? And then you try the conversation, you say, hey,
38:10
Speaker 1: you know, this is what's going to be happening going forward.
38:13
Speaker 1: This is why Again, these are interpersonal relationships where the
38:16
Speaker 1: boundary might affect the relationship to the point where communicating
38:20
Speaker 1: is the healthy and kind and respectful thing to do
38:25
Speaker 1: with someone that you're in relationship with. And then you
38:28
Speaker 1: have the conversation and you know, I just it's interesting.
38:33
Speaker 1: You really never know how people are going to react.
38:37
Speaker 1: Sometimes people are very excited for you and want to
38:40
Speaker 1: support you, and sometimes people feel like the simple choosing
38:44
Speaker 1: yourself means that you're not choosing them, and things will
38:48
Speaker 1: shift and change, but ultimately, at the end of the day,
38:51
Speaker 1: reminding yourself that it's still important that you choose yourself.
38:54
Speaker 1: It's still important that you stand strong and firm and
38:59
Speaker 1: the boundaries that matter to you and not begin to
39:03
Speaker 1: second guess yourself now because they're uncomfortable with the boundaries
39:07
Speaker 1: that you've set and so and again. It can be
39:11
Speaker 1: big or small, but usually it's the small boundaries that
39:15
Speaker 1: really change people. Because the small boundaries like going to
39:19
Speaker 1: bed early, or drinking water or not drinking or not
39:22
Speaker 1: drinking is a big is a big one for you,
39:24
Speaker 1: but for it's like just a social thing. Whatever it
39:27
Speaker 1: is you're choosing for yourself, the small ways in what
39:30
Speaker 1: you're shaping and changing your life, whatever it is, it
39:34
Speaker 1: usually changes the connection that you had with that person.
39:37
Speaker 1: If all you did was go out in club together
39:39
Speaker 1: and now you're training for a marathon, the nature of
39:42
Speaker 1: the relationship has completely shifted. And so I think understanding
39:47
Speaker 1: and having compassion for what that person might be going
39:49
Speaker 1: through as well, but that doesn't have to change what
39:51
Speaker 1: you've chosen for yourself.
39:53
Speaker 2: I think that example of not drinking is actually a
39:56
Speaker 2: really good one to tap into for a second here,
40:00
Speaker 2: because this can be for instance, maybe you just don't
40:03
Speaker 2: want to drink one particular night, right like you're still
40:06
Speaker 2: down to go out for dinner, everyone's out, and you
40:08
Speaker 2: have this one friend that says, just have a glass
40:11
Speaker 2: of wine, like just do this one thing, and you
40:13
Speaker 2: stand firm in that but you leave that interaction feeling
40:17
Speaker 2: a little red the wrong way that this person wasn't
40:20
Speaker 2: really respecting your boundaries. So then my question to you
40:24
Speaker 2: is where's the importance of perhaps after the fact, maybe
40:27
Speaker 2: just talking to that person about how that made you feel,
40:31
Speaker 2: and if there is value in doing that so that
40:33
Speaker 2: maybe the next time you don't experience that same altercation.
40:37
Speaker 1: Perhaps Yeah, you know, I name that because that's probably
40:40
Speaker 1: when that comes happens all the time, where it's like
40:43
Speaker 1: have that glass of wine, or come on, just take
40:45
Speaker 1: a shot whatever, or and then the comments that come
40:48
Speaker 1: after that, oh you're prude or whatever they say that
40:50
Speaker 1: makes you you know, they're trying to what is the
40:54
Speaker 1: word they're trying to pressure you into you peer pressure?
40:58
Speaker 1: Peer pressure, few pressure you.
41:00
Speaker 2: We're so good with our boundaries, we don't even know
41:02
Speaker 2: what peer pressure is. Yeah, not one hundred percentury, but
41:09
Speaker 2: facts still working on and always working. But yes, it's
41:14
Speaker 2: important to first have the conversation with yourself what was
41:16
Speaker 2: I uncomfortable with? Get as clear as possible with yourself
41:20
Speaker 2: about what just happened. That way, you're walking into a
41:23
Speaker 2: conversation instead of an argument. You're walking into a communication
41:28
Speaker 2: instead of a let me tell you about yourself kind
41:32
Speaker 2: of communication. Once you realize what's happening, who you're talking
41:36
Speaker 2: to again, do that self assessment who am I talking to?
41:38
Speaker 2: If I'm talking to the life of the party who's
41:40
Speaker 2: always having a glass of wine, then they may not
41:42
Speaker 2: think it's a big deal.
41:42
Speaker 1: They may not understand. And then you know, have that
41:45
Speaker 1: conversation and say, hey, I know you just wanted me
41:48
Speaker 1: to have a good time last night, and I know
41:49
Speaker 1: you were just trying to help help me loosen up.
41:51
Speaker 1: But like when I say I don't want to drink,
41:53
Speaker 1: you don't have to worry about it. I'm fine. I
41:55
Speaker 1: was having a great time. And remember that the point
41:59
Speaker 1: is not to teach them. Listen, when I set a boundary,
42:02
Speaker 1: you're going to honor it because you know, you're not
42:04
Speaker 1: their therapist, you're not their parent, you're not their school teacher.
42:07
Speaker 1: You're just advocating for yourself. And then if it happens again,
42:11
Speaker 1: then you can make a decision right there in the moment.
42:14
Speaker 1: I mean, I think there's a time and a place
42:16
Speaker 1: sometimes to definitely check people in the moment and say
42:19
Speaker 1: I said I'm good, yeah, and then that's it.
42:21
Speaker 2: This would be one of those instances that I would
42:24
Speaker 2: remind myself or ask myself, what is it that I'm
42:26
Speaker 2: hoping to get out of this conversation before I go
42:29
Speaker 2: into it. I ask myself that a lot, whether it's
42:32
Speaker 2: conversations with friends or conversations in business, like how can
42:36
Speaker 2: I best present myself, stay true to who I am
42:39
Speaker 2: and the things that I want, and have like a
42:41
Speaker 2: productive conversation instead of again you were saying like lecturering
42:44
Speaker 2: or lecturing or bullying, like, that's not the goal here.
42:47
Speaker 2: Think about what it is that you're trying to walk
42:50
Speaker 2: away with.
42:51
Speaker 1: That is so important and it's an important part of
42:53
Speaker 1: the setting boundaries conversation I'm not here to change you.
42:58
Speaker 1: I can't change you. And also being honest with yourself first.
43:03
Speaker 1: Having that initial conversation is reducing the expectations. That's what
43:08
Speaker 1: that process is doing. Instead of going into the conversation
43:11
Speaker 1: and thinking they're gonna hear me, they're gonna understand me,
43:13
Speaker 1: they're gonna be like I was wrong, They're gonna apologize
43:17
Speaker 1: that may or may not happen. What we're doing when
43:20
Speaker 1: we're thinking about the conversation or thinking about what we're
43:22
Speaker 1: walking into, we're getting ourselves prepared to go in. We're
43:25
Speaker 1: remembering who we're talking to. The remembering who I'm talking
43:28
Speaker 1: to lets me know, Okay, they've never apologized to me before,
43:32
Speaker 1: so I probably won't get an apology out of this.
43:34
Speaker 1: What am I actually here for. I'm reminding myself. I'm
43:38
Speaker 1: here to voice my boundaries and to make it clear
43:40
Speaker 1: that I was uncomfortable. There is no other expectation. Right,
43:45
Speaker 1: they may decide to do this again. You can set
43:49
Speaker 1: a boundary. It doesn't mean that people will want to
43:52
Speaker 1: follow it. It doesn't mean that people will one hundred
43:54
Speaker 1: percent be behind you and what they may say, Hey,
43:56
Speaker 1: I understand that you didn't want to join that night.
43:58
Speaker 1: I think you're overreacting a little bit. It was just,
44:01
Speaker 1: you know, I was just and that's it. Like you
44:05
Speaker 1: did what you came to do. You could take it
44:08
Speaker 1: further if you wanted to and have an argument and
44:10
Speaker 1: you know, or have a discussion or have a debate. Personally,
44:14
Speaker 1: we're human. Things are going to happen. Those instances are
44:17
Speaker 1: going to happen. But if like I was talking to
44:19
Speaker 1: a client, I would say, before they had this conversation,
44:22
Speaker 1: how would having that debate that argument actually serve you,
44:26
Speaker 1: because now we're going to be walking away from that.
44:29
Speaker 1: Now we've got a new problem on our hands. The
44:31
Speaker 1: conversation was originally just about, hey, when I say I
44:33
Speaker 1: don't want to drink, I don't want to drink. Now
44:35
Speaker 1: we're talking about how you know, we're taking it further.
44:37
Speaker 1: When if we did that first self check, who am
44:40
Speaker 1: I talking to, what am I expecting out of this conversation,
44:44
Speaker 1: what do I personally need? Then you most likely can
44:48
Speaker 1: walk into it with a clearer mind frame about I'm
44:51
Speaker 1: here to just advocate for myself. I'm not necessarily here
44:55
Speaker 1: to make them do, say, or be anything other than
44:59
Speaker 1: what they may or may not choose to do in
45:00
Speaker 1: that moment.
45:01
Speaker 2: Definitely, definitely, Okay. So we've talked about setting self boundaries.
45:05
Speaker 2: We've talked about executing your boundaries with others. We've talked
45:08
Speaker 2: about the conversations that may have that you may have
45:11
Speaker 2: to have if you set these boundaries and they don't
45:13
Speaker 2: go so well. What we haven't talked on yet, but
45:15
Speaker 2: we did reference, was the difficulty that can come hand
45:18
Speaker 2: in hand when you may have to pivot or walk
45:21
Speaker 2: away from certain relationships that aren't serving you when you
45:25
Speaker 2: set these boundaries. Do you have any advice for the
45:28
Speaker 2: hurdlers when it comes to dealing with the feelings that
45:32
Speaker 2: come hand in hand with that.
45:35
Speaker 1: Oh, it sucks. It does when we set boundaries and
45:38
Speaker 1: relationships and or when people set boundaries and they with us.
45:42
Speaker 1: You know, boundaries are really sexy when we're talking about
45:44
Speaker 1: setting them for when I'm facilitating, they become less sexy
45:47
Speaker 1: when we've been talking about people setting boundaries with us.
45:50
Speaker 1: So there's a couple of things. There's important part of
45:55
Speaker 1: recognizing that people have free choice. Just like we're choosing ourselves,
45:59
Speaker 1: people can also choose to not choose us when we
46:02
Speaker 1: choose ourselves. And so it's easy to say, sometimes, well
46:10
Speaker 1: they don't like me as this new version of myself.
46:12
Speaker 1: Well maybe they don't, and they get to choose that.
46:16
Speaker 1: And if the point is for us to choose ourselves,
46:20
Speaker 1: recognizing in the beginning and understanding that people may not
46:23
Speaker 1: want to come with us when we do that, it
46:26
Speaker 1: doesn't make them less than it doesn't make them not
46:28
Speaker 1: having their best lives. It just means that we're not
46:30
Speaker 1: on the same path anymore. And so that's I think
46:32
Speaker 1: the first important part to recognize. Because we can also
46:35
Speaker 1: carry around a lot of resentment and quote unquote they're
46:38
Speaker 1: not on my level kind of energy. When we think, oh,
46:42
Speaker 1: because I'm becoming a better version of myself, they don't
46:44
Speaker 1: want to come with me. They have a different idea
46:46
Speaker 1: of what life is and they get to choose that,
46:49
Speaker 1: and so like separating the two. But the second piece
46:52
Speaker 1: is the grief. You know, it's really hard when you
46:56
Speaker 1: think you have someone that you're going to be with
46:58
Speaker 1: that forever, or that you're going to have around forever,
47:00
Speaker 1: especially when it's a friend. I found, especially in facilitating
47:04
Speaker 1: this work, that like, the breakups with romantic partnerships are
47:08
Speaker 1: nothing compared to the breakups that happen with friends and family.
47:12
Speaker 1: Like that is the ones that people are like, Okay,
47:15
Speaker 1: my partner, you know whatever. I mean, it's hard. But
47:18
Speaker 1: my best friend since high school or my aunt, like
47:22
Speaker 1: I didn't see this coming. And I think with family,
47:25
Speaker 1: I'll just name that sometimes in families, we have this
47:30
Speaker 1: language and communication that we adapt to that we don't
47:34
Speaker 1: even realize as a boundary violation. So we've been operating
47:37
Speaker 1: in our family dynamic for our whole lives under this
47:41
Speaker 1: boundary violation. And when we start advocating for ourselves and
47:44
Speaker 1: choosing ourselves. We realize, I can't be myself in my
47:48
Speaker 1: family without this boundary, and so I hope that makes sense.
47:54
Speaker 1: And so now we're setting boundaries with family that no
47:58
Speaker 1: one has ever introduced before, and so that can be
48:02
Speaker 1: really tough, and it's just important to recognize that it
48:05
Speaker 1: can really ruffle things. But it's also important to recognize
48:11
Speaker 1: a name that you're allowed to have boundaries with family.
48:14
Speaker 1: When it comes to friends, our chosen family, that can
48:17
Speaker 1: be really tough too. When relationships shift and change for
48:20
Speaker 1: both of them and for all of them, grief comes up.
48:23
Speaker 1: We walk through the journey of sadness and discomfort, and
48:27
Speaker 1: every single person that I have worked with when on
48:30
Speaker 1: One has usually had to build some form of a
48:33
Speaker 1: new community of people who are also on this journey
48:36
Speaker 1: because it can be really hard. Not everybody is willing
48:40
Speaker 1: to do this work. This is a choice. We don't
48:43
Speaker 1: have to do this, and so but knowing that there
48:46
Speaker 1: is an opportunity for connection and relationships on the other
48:50
Speaker 1: side is really important.
48:52
Speaker 3: Definitely, definitely, and something that I've leaned into.
48:56
Speaker 2: I have this thing and I've referenced it on the
48:57
Speaker 2: show before but I have this thing that I my
49:00
Speaker 2: joy list, and it could be me dealing with the
49:03
Speaker 2: loss of a friendship because of the implementation of a boundary,
49:06
Speaker 2: or it could be me dealing with the fact that
49:08
Speaker 2: my right hip feels a little wonky right now, which
49:10
Speaker 2: is very scary because I'm supposed to be running a
49:12
Speaker 2: marathon in three weeks.
49:14
Speaker 3: Either of those things, I'll go to my joy list.
49:16
Speaker 2: I'll open it up, and I'll pick something that I
49:18
Speaker 2: know brings me happiness, so that in that moment, I
49:21
Speaker 2: can remind myself that I am in charge of my
49:24
Speaker 2: own joy and whatever is going on that is making
49:27
Speaker 2: me feel what could be inferior or frustrated or.
49:31
Speaker 3: Just glum, is not going to go away.
49:34
Speaker 2: But I have the choice in that moment to do
49:37
Speaker 2: something about how I feel and move forward from there.
49:40
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that I teach. I teach you. I
49:42
Speaker 1: called the joy list that same eACT thing. Yes, for
49:45
Speaker 1: people to keep a list of five things that they
49:48
Speaker 1: love at all times, because we have to choose. It's
49:51
Speaker 1: one of the most interesting things about healing that comes up.
49:54
Speaker 1: We think that, oh, I'll set boundaries, I'll do all
49:57
Speaker 1: this work, and then joy will disappear. That's not how
50:00
Speaker 1: it actually works all the time. Because life is still happening,
50:03
Speaker 1: ups and downs is still happening. Stuff is happening on
50:07
Speaker 1: the news, friends, family, things are changing. We have to
50:10
Speaker 1: choose joy and so you know, reminding yourself to bring
50:14
Speaker 1: that in is so important, an important part of healing
50:19
Speaker 1: and advocating for yourself and self care.
50:22
Speaker 2: This conversation about boundaries has been so helpful. I think
50:25
Speaker 2: for many of the listeners. I get so many messages
50:29
Speaker 2: talking about their you know want and desire to do
50:33
Speaker 2: this kind of work, but the fear that goes hand
50:35
Speaker 2: in hand with that. And if there's anything that I
50:37
Speaker 2: think is for certain in this conversation, it's that although
50:40
Speaker 2: setting the boundaries again can be difficult, that you will
50:44
Speaker 2: walk away feeling more invested and close with yourself, knowing
50:48
Speaker 2: that you're sticking up for you because I firmly believe
50:51
Speaker 2: and I know that you do, being someone who.
50:53
Speaker 3: Who does this self healing work.
50:54
Speaker 2: It's that like it starts with you, and again that
50:57
Speaker 2: idea that if you don't take the time to give
50:59
Speaker 2: back you to fill up your cup, then who are
51:02
Speaker 2: you to expect that you'll be able to show up
51:05
Speaker 2: in your other relationships nearly as whole or as happy
51:09
Speaker 2: as you could otherwise.
51:11
Speaker 1: Absolutely so important to you know, fill up your own jar.
51:15
Speaker 1: It's so important to leave other people's jars to themselves.
51:18
Speaker 1: And anytime you're feeling that discomfort, you have an opportunity.
51:22
Speaker 1: You have a choice, and I hope that you feel
51:25
Speaker 1: the invitation to choose yourself.
51:28
Speaker 2: I love that you ask me, and how do the
51:29
Speaker 2: hurdlers follow along with you? How do they keep up
51:32
Speaker 2: with you? For more inspiration and motivation, give me the details.
51:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, so definitely follow me on Instagram at yasmin Chyenne,
51:40
Speaker 1: I share a daily post. You can also join my
51:42
Speaker 1: list where I share workbooks and journals for free, and
51:47
Speaker 1: then listen to the Sugar Jar podcast anywhere you listen
51:50
Speaker 1: to podcasts.
51:51
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. I'm over at Emily a Body
51:53
Speaker 2: and at Hurdle Podcasts. Another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys
51:57
Speaker 2: next time
52:05
Speaker 1: In right