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Why Do Women Feel Guilty Asking for More Money? · Rock My Finances

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Speaker 2: Welcome to the Rock My Finances show on K4HD Radio
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Speaker 2: and Talk4TV, where we put the fun in finance. Join
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Speaker 2: powerhouse Jennifer Jost, CDFA, CMC, and private wealth advisor, as
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Speaker 2: she collaborates with you to create clarity, control, and confidence
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Speaker 2: with your money, your way. It's not about the zeros,
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Speaker 2: so what is it all about? Let's find out. Now,
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Speaker 2: here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jost.
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Speaker 1: Welcome back, y'all, to Rock My Finances. We are going
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Speaker 1: to be talking about feeling guilty. I know we all
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Speaker 1: feel it here and there, and sometimes that's a good thing.
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Speaker 1: Maybe not. Guilt is just kind of wasteful, but at
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Speaker 1: least it triggers us to something. So why do women
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Speaker 1: feel guilty about asking for more money at work, at
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Speaker 1: your job, clients? I want you to imagine two women,
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Speaker 1: the first two women The first woman has worked hard
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Speaker 1: for many years. She has taken on more responsibility and
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Speaker 1: she helped other, you know, train all the other employees.
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Speaker 1: She stayed late over quitting time. She solved many problems
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Speaker 1: that nobody else wanted to even touch. She became her
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Speaker 1: company's depend on gal, right? She thinks she deserves a raise.
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Speaker 1: The second woman is her best friend. Which woman do
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Speaker 1: you think is better off advocating for her, her friend?
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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you need to ask for more money.
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Speaker 1: Look at everything you do. But when it's her own money, well,
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Speaker 1: I don't know. They gave me a raise two years ago.
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Speaker 1: The company has had a tough year, or I make
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Speaker 1: pretty good money already, or I don't want to learn.
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Speaker 1: I don't want them to think that I'm ungrateful. Or ladies,
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Speaker 1: what's the difference here between these two? Her value didn't change,
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Speaker 1: but her perspective did. So This is the one of
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Speaker 1: the most fascinating relationships that women will have is with
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Speaker 1: their money. We can recognize value in everyone else except ourselves.
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Speaker 1: We're happy to tell our best friend that you need
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Speaker 1: to raise and you need to do this, you need
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Speaker 1: to do that. But when we look at our mirror,
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Speaker 1: are we doing that? Are we requiring us to be
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Speaker 1: making more money? So I want to remove a phrase
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Speaker 1: from your vocabulary. Are you ready? I hate to ask,
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Speaker 1: but just delete that. Cancel that. Don't ever say that again. No,
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Speaker 1: you don't hate to ask. You've been conditioned to soften
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Speaker 1: the ask. Listen how often women do this. I'm sorry
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Speaker 1: to bother you. This might be a stupid question. I
3:12
Speaker 1: don't know if this is possible. I completely understand if
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Speaker 1: you can't. I think we all do this. I do
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Speaker 1: it as well. And we haven't even asked the darn
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Speaker 1: question yet. And we're already giving them an out. We've
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Speaker 1: already negotiated against what we want. This matters because money
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Speaker 1: conversations are rarely just about money. Money activates our self-worth,
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Speaker 1: how we feel about ourselves. It activates belonging. It also
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Speaker 1: activates rejection. And they say no, right? It activates approval.
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Speaker 1: How do we feel about ourselves and how do we
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Speaker 1: think others feel about us? Security, identity, money is tied
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Speaker 1: into everything. That's why when we ask for another $ 10, 000
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Speaker 1: a year, it can feel way more frightening than than
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Speaker 1: just giving a presentation to 200 people because underneath the
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Speaker 1: next question is, will they give me the money? Another
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Speaker 1: question is, do they think I'm worth it? Those are
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Speaker 1: not quite the same questions. Your compensation is a business decision.
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Speaker 1: It's not a worth decision. So we need to separate them.
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Speaker 1: If someone says no to your raise, they did not
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Speaker 1: say no to your worth as a human being. If
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Speaker 1: you own a company or like myself, my coaching business
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Speaker 1: as well, When I ask a client and I tell
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Speaker 1: the client my price and if they decline that, they're
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Speaker 1: not saying no to me. They're saying no to me
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Speaker 1: as a human. They're saying no to either the program
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Speaker 1: or to the money right now. Maybe it's not in
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Speaker 1: their budget. Simple as that. Maybe your market value isn't
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Speaker 1: what you thought it was. Maybe you need more skills.
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Speaker 1: Maybe they are underpaying you and maybe it's time to leave.
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Speaker 1: All of this is just data when we ask the question.
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Speaker 1: So none of them are talking about you as a human.
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Speaker 1: So we're going to separate the facts from the feelings.
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Speaker 1: This is our diamond life coaching all the time. Facts
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Speaker 1: and feelings are very, very different. We don't want to
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Speaker 1: make financial decisions based around just feelings or just facts.
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Speaker 1: We want to add them together. Now let's talk about
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Speaker 1: the guilt. Why do women feel guilty wanting more than
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Speaker 1: what we already have? Because we've confused gratitude with settling.
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Speaker 1: So we think this, which I love, I mean, Oprah
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Speaker 1: brought out, you know, our gratitude journals, you know, all
5:36
Speaker 1: this stuff happened in the nineties about gratitude. And I
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Speaker 1: love it. It changed our thinking from being judgmental to
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Speaker 1: being grateful. I love it. However, we have added gratitude
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Speaker 1: to gratitude. Everything's good enough. Like I'm fine now because
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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful. Now, I'm going to ask you a
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Speaker 1: question on this. I'm going to say two words and
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Speaker 1: you tell me how you feel the difference, right? Think
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Speaker 1: about this. I am so grateful for this versus I
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Speaker 1: appreciate this. Two different feelings. I'm grateful, meaning, my gosh,
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Speaker 1: I'm just so glad it actually happened. I'm so lucky
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Speaker 1: it happened. And when I appreciate it, I deserve it.
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Speaker 1: It should happen. And I appreciate it. It's more empowering.
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Speaker 1: It's more confident. It's more stability versus grateful. You're just
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Speaker 1: kind of lucky it fell in your lap. Does that
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Speaker 1: make sense? So when we use the word gratitude, switch
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Speaker 1: that and try to put I appreciate in there a
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Speaker 1: little bit more. We can be incredibly grateful and appreciative
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Speaker 1: and still want more. I can love my house and
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Speaker 1: someday want another house. I just went to the beach
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Speaker 1: this weekend and spent the weekend at the beach. It
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Speaker 1: was amazing. Went to Isle of Palms. It was beautiful.
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Speaker 1: I haven't seen the East Coast oceans. My first time
6:50
Speaker 1: seeing the East coast ocean. Oh my gosh. We had
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Speaker 1: such a great time. I walked on the beach every day.
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Speaker 1: I loved it. I love, love, love seeing the ocean.
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Speaker 1: Now I'm thinking, do I want a beach house? Do
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Speaker 1: I want to just spend time there more often? Like
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Speaker 1: we want to expand what we want, what we think
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Speaker 1: we can actually do and where we want to be.
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Speaker 1: That's going to make us happy. So I can totally
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Speaker 1: appreciate my house. I love my house, but I can
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Speaker 1: also appreciate spending time in the beach. I can appreciate
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Speaker 1: my income 100%, takes care of everything. And I can
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Speaker 1: also want to double it. I can love my business.
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Speaker 1: I absolutely love my business. I love my clients. I
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Speaker 1: love everything. And I could still want to grow, which
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Speaker 1: is what I am. I am growing right now. Like
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Speaker 1: it's awesome. And I want to grow for the next
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Speaker 1: probably seven years. Doesn't take anything away from what I
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Speaker 1: have already. I just want to do more. I can
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Speaker 1: adore my life and I could still have amazing dreams.
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Speaker 1: Gratitude says, I appreciate what I have. Settling says, I
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Speaker 1: shouldn't want anything else. Everything's just good enough. Those are
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Speaker 1: very different energies. And I want women to stop shrinking
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Speaker 1: their desires to make them easier for everybody else to digest.
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Speaker 1: I want you to want the money. When I do
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Speaker 1: my seminars, my Rock My Finances seminars, the first thing
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Speaker 1: is I love money. I love money. I want more money.
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Speaker 1: I love what money could do. It took us to
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Speaker 1: the beach this weekend, right? I love it. It's awesome.
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Speaker 1: Want more clients. want the business, want the promotion, want
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Speaker 1: that financial freedom, want the beautiful vacation, the month in Italy.
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Speaker 1: I want to stay a month in Tuscany. I want
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Speaker 1: to go here and there from there. I want to
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Speaker 1: go to Spain. Like, I want that. Do that. Plan
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Speaker 1: that vacation. If you want to retire early, you might
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Speaker 1: want to retire early. I want to leave money to
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Speaker 1: my kids. Absolutely. You don't have to give millions away,
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Speaker 1: but you can give a little bit and still feel
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Speaker 1: like it's your choice. Whatever your more is, Own it.
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Speaker 1: Stand on it. Put that stake in the ground. It
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Speaker 1: is okay to want more, but then be willing to
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Speaker 1: become the woman who can ask for it, which means
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Speaker 1: you need to step into the room. You need to
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Speaker 1: step up if you have to talk to a room
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Speaker 1: full of 200 people. You need to step up if
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Speaker 1: you got to talk to a circle of people at
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Speaker 1: the table to ask for that raise. We got to
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Speaker 1: become that woman that we want to be in order
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Speaker 1: to ask for what we deserve and what we want.
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Speaker 1: Because wishing and asking are very different. We can just
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Speaker 1: hope all day long, but we need the words to ask.
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Speaker 1: Let's say you want to raise. Don't walk into the
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Speaker 1: conversation just hoping your boss is going to validate you.
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Speaker 1: Walk it prepared. Here you go. So here's what I've accomplished.
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Speaker 1: Here's my additional value that I'm providing. And here's what
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Speaker 1: I understand the market pays for my job and my
9:37
Speaker 1: role in this company. And here's what I'm requesting. And
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Speaker 1: then just stop talking. The last one is extremely important. Important.
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Speaker 1: You do not need to explain. Those were great assertive statements.
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Speaker 1: You gave enough information. Any more information is not going
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Speaker 1: to help them change their mind. Women can get very
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Speaker 1: uncomfortable with silence and rescues person that we're negotiating with.
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Speaker 1: We can interrupt. I'd like to discuss moving my compensation
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Speaker 1: to $ 120, 000 today. Quiet. And then suddenly we might say, oh,
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Speaker 1: but I understand budgets are tight right now. Maybe I
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Speaker 1: get you $ 110, 000 or maybe just a bonus. Like stop, stop, stop, stop.
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Speaker 1: Just Stop negotiating for them, right? Let the silence work.
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Speaker 1: You don't have to fill every uncomfortable space. Your number
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Speaker 1: is allowed to sit on the table for a minute.
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Speaker 1: That's power. That's not aggressive. That's just power. That's grounded power.
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Speaker 1: And if the answer is no, then you just ask,
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Speaker 1: what specifically would I need to do for us to
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Speaker 1: revisit this? Now you've turned the rejection into information. What
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Speaker 1: goals would I need to achieve? When can we revisit this?
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Speaker 1: This is just a timing thing. Or what other compensation
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Speaker 1: might be available for me? Then you're staying in the
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Speaker 1: conversation because powerful women don't collapse at no. We get curious.
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Speaker 1: No is just yes to a different question, y'all. No
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Speaker 1: is yes to a different question. I fully believe this
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Speaker 1: and I've done it throughout my entire life. In fact,
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Speaker 1: I would hire someone and I would ask them to
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Speaker 1: do something. They'd come back from calling someone or doing
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Speaker 1: something to come back and they said, no. Okay. So
11:21
Speaker 1: go back and find out how can we make it happen?
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Speaker 1: Like this is usually for my client. It's going to happen.
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Speaker 1: So what do we need to do to make this happen?
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Speaker 1: Get curious. Okay. So here's some homework for you. Write
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Speaker 1: down one place where you want more money or just
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Speaker 1: more financial ability or something. Write down one place where
11:41
Speaker 1: you want more money. It could be your salary. It
11:44
Speaker 1: could be your hourly rate. It could be your commission,
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Speaker 1: your business fee. It could be your retirement contribution. You
11:49
Speaker 1: want more match in your 401k, whatever it might be.
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Speaker 1: Write down that one place that you want more money.
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Speaker 1: Now answer, what number do I actually want? Write that down.
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Speaker 1: What number would I ask for if I weren't afraid
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Speaker 1: of appearing greedy? I bet you 20 bucks you're going
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Speaker 1: to raise that first number. What number do I want?
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Speaker 1: And if you weren't worried about how you were going
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Speaker 1: to appear greedy, I bet you would double that. Now
12:16
Speaker 1: ask yourself, What evidence supports that number? What am I
12:22
Speaker 1: doing to be valuable to support that raise? I mean,
12:27
Speaker 1: obviously I'm not saying ask for a raise when you
12:29
Speaker 1: were not pulling your weight in your own job. Like
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Speaker 1: pretty much we have to, you know, go above and
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Speaker 1: beyond to step up to ask for more, but I
12:39
Speaker 1: do not want you going above and beyond if you're
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Speaker 1: not asking for more just to keep your job basically.
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Speaker 1: Did you know that women still, there's a huge pay
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Speaker 1: gap here in the United States. So we, according to
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Speaker 1: the 2026 Bureau of Labor Statistics data, we are still
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Speaker 1: paid 82% less than men. Now, I'm not saying it's
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Speaker 1: the exact same job. I'm just saying in the workforce,
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Speaker 1: we're paid 82% when they're paid 100%. So we're still
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Speaker 1: being paid less than men. I'm not saying that it's
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Speaker 1: just for the job, but we make less money. Now,
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Speaker 1: here's another statistic for you, which I thought was actually interesting.
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Speaker 1: 55 years old to 64, like before they retire, it's
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Speaker 1: 77 cents on the dollar that we are getting paid
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Speaker 1: versus men. So the older we get, the less attractive
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Speaker 1: we become, the less money we make, the less valuable
13:35
Speaker 1: we become at a corporation or at a company. Like,
13:38
Speaker 1: oh my goodness. This is the thing. I'm going to
13:40
Speaker 1: have to do another episode on women being older. So
13:43
Speaker 1: we have to ask. They might not even be aware
13:46
Speaker 1: that we want it or need it. A lot of
13:49
Speaker 1: mindset out there is thinking that women still are the
13:53
Speaker 1: second income in the family when actually most of us
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Speaker 1: are not. We have been single women. We are single women.
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Speaker 1: We are taking care of ourselves. We're planning our retirement.
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Speaker 1: We're saving for retirement. We're usually caring for someone else
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Speaker 1: as well. And so we should be making more. So
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Speaker 1: ask yourself what evidence supports that number that you want
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Speaker 1: to ask for. What am I afraid will happen if
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Speaker 1: I ask? Write all that down. Journal that. Get that
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Speaker 1: out of your body. Then we're going to separate the
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Speaker 1: fact from the fiction, right? The fact from the story
14:23
Speaker 1: that you're making up. They may say no. That's a fact.
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Speaker 1: They absolutely could say no. The story that you're making up.
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Speaker 1: They'll think I'm difficult and they won't like me anymore.
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Speaker 1: That's the story. These are the things we need to uncover.
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Speaker 1: Are you really telling yourself that story? Because that's what
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Speaker 1: we need to heal. And usually it's because we want
14:41
Speaker 1: people to like us because that's where we're finding our
14:43
Speaker 1: worth is outside of ourselves. We can easily heal that
14:46
Speaker 1: and fix that. Here's another fact. I may discover I'm
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Speaker 1: already at the top of my salary range. That could
14:52
Speaker 1: be it in the company, right? But the story that
14:55
Speaker 1: you make up in your head could say, that means
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Speaker 1: I'm not valuable. Well, that's not accurate, right? That's the story.
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Speaker 1: And I think our story always comes in as the
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Speaker 1: second or third thought And it's usually from a childhood
15:07
Speaker 1: wound that we talk about in many, many, many episodes.
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Speaker 1: I just did the seven theories of seven money wounds.
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Speaker 1: I just did that series. So go back and listen
15:15
Speaker 1: to all those episodes because we all have all these wounds, right?
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Speaker 1: And finally, what is the financial cost to you not asking?
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Speaker 1: Like you'll never get it if you don't ask, right?
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Speaker 1: Calculate it. A $ 10, 000 difference isn't just $ 10, 000. Over the
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Speaker 1: years with raises, retirement contributions, investment growth, it can become
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Speaker 1: a very different financial future. So at Diamond Life, we
15:39
Speaker 1: want not just built on investments and rate of returns
15:42
Speaker 1: and all of that. We want our wealth also to
15:45
Speaker 1: be built on courage, standing up for ourselves, asking for
15:49
Speaker 1: the money for us, standing our value. Before it even
15:52
Speaker 1: reaches our investment account, we want to make sure that
15:55
Speaker 1: we are bringing it in the house. Stop waiting for
15:58
Speaker 1: someone else to decide that you're worth more money and
16:01
Speaker 1: go get it, go ask it, Be worth it and
16:05
Speaker 1: stand in that empowerment. Know your value, document your value,
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Speaker 1: communicate your value, and then ask to be paid for
16:13
Speaker 1: what you're worth and what you want with no apology necessary.
16:17
Speaker 1: I think we say, I'm sorry, way too much, right?
16:21
Speaker 1: As women, I think we, I don't know where we
16:22
Speaker 1: learned that. I just did another one on nice girls.
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Speaker 1: Are you a nice girl? So go check out that
16:27
Speaker 1: episode because we definitely, I think we just, want to
16:31
Speaker 1: be nice and kind. And we think that asking for
16:34
Speaker 1: money is not nice. So let me ask you this.
16:39
Speaker 1: When we think of the word money and asking for money,
16:44
Speaker 1: what does that mean to you? Let's look at what that,
16:48
Speaker 1: like it could be a religious thing. It sounds greedy.
16:52
Speaker 1: It could be, you know, just from our training as
16:54
Speaker 1: a child, not to ask for more, not to, you know,
16:59
Speaker 1: use our voice and speak up. All these things, right?
17:03
Speaker 1: We might, like for me growing up, I had to
17:07
Speaker 1: be perfect, right? So everything I had to do was perfect.
17:10
Speaker 1: And then in my first marriage, I did everything myself.
17:15
Speaker 1: He had his own business, alcoholic. He did his own situation.
17:18
Speaker 1: So I was running the household, the kids, the whole thing.
17:22
Speaker 1: And I would have never thought to ask for more anywhere, right?
17:27
Speaker 1: Unless I was asking more for someone else. So I
17:31
Speaker 1: was an independent contractor and I had 10 independent contractors
17:35
Speaker 1: under me. So when I'm going to do my contract
17:38
Speaker 1: once a year, I had no problem fighting for all
17:41
Speaker 1: my people because I knew they deserved more money. But
17:45
Speaker 1: I never thought about fighting for myself. And so now
17:47
Speaker 1: I am in my ripe old age of, what am I, 62?
17:51
Speaker 1: I am starting a whole new thing with my partner, Juliet.
17:54
Speaker 1: We're so excited. It's going to be amazing. At 62, like,
17:58
Speaker 1: what is that? I am done being the nice girl
18:01
Speaker 1: and I'm done being polite and to get along and
18:05
Speaker 1: all of those things. I am here to get paid
18:09
Speaker 1: what I am absolutely worth and stop giving all these
18:14
Speaker 1: other companies way too much money when they're not earning it.
18:17
Speaker 1: So it's taken me a long time to really stand
18:20
Speaker 1: in this type of power because this is a big shift.
18:23
Speaker 1: So ask yourself, are you really just trying to keep
18:27
Speaker 1: the peace because that was me. I was trying to
18:30
Speaker 1: keep the peace because I thought that they would come
18:32
Speaker 1: around because I am one of the most honest people
18:34
Speaker 1: you've ever met in your life. I've been a business
18:36
Speaker 1: owner from day one. My dad was a business owner.
18:39
Speaker 1: He taught me so much about business. Like I know
18:41
Speaker 1: a lot. And I just know that there's good business
18:44
Speaker 1: and there's bad business. Why doesn't everyone want to do
18:46
Speaker 1: business good? Like just do good business because the more
18:50
Speaker 1: good business you do, the more people are going to
18:52
Speaker 1: come back. You're going to have more customers. You're going
18:55
Speaker 1: to have more business. When you just do the right thing,
18:57
Speaker 1: just do the right thing. It's not a hard situation,
19:00
Speaker 1: but when things get questionable and you have to get
19:05
Speaker 1: more strong as women, it's hard for us to speak up.
19:08
Speaker 1: It's hard for us to say what we feel. Sometimes
19:12
Speaker 1: that's why people get attorneys, right? They have the attorneys
19:15
Speaker 1: go to talk to their bosses in the corporations, or
19:18
Speaker 1: they go to human resources and they have somebody else
19:20
Speaker 1: speak for them. This is what I want to catch
19:23
Speaker 1: us before we just get angry and Because anger is
19:26
Speaker 1: the easy emotion for us to understand and that we
19:30
Speaker 1: seem to accept in ourselves and others. We need to
19:34
Speaker 1: catch it before we get to that angry spot of
19:37
Speaker 1: this is not okay. This is not okay. And then
19:40
Speaker 1: we have to be ready for the response. You might
19:43
Speaker 1: be ghosted. You might not get any response. Then you
19:47
Speaker 1: might need to take it to the next step. Or
19:49
Speaker 1: you might get another response. of maybe showing you how
19:51
Speaker 1: you're wrong and that the things that you thought were
19:54
Speaker 1: not accurate. That happens all the time, right? But we
19:58
Speaker 1: would never know that unless we asked. Like we literally
20:02
Speaker 1: could be just so mad about something that was our fault.
20:06
Speaker 1: Like I made the mistake. I transpose the numbers or
20:08
Speaker 1: I did something different. It actually was correct. So get
20:12
Speaker 1: curious first, before you start to get angry and before
20:16
Speaker 1: you blow people off the planet, get curious and ask
20:19
Speaker 1: questions that narrow everything that you think down. I was
20:23
Speaker 1: watching Matlock the other day. I like the old Matlock
20:26
Speaker 1: and the new Matlock with Kathy Bate. I like them both,
20:30
Speaker 1: but I love how lawyers, you know, they just question,
20:34
Speaker 1: question and question. It's like, yeah, you're right. Let's clarify
20:37
Speaker 1: what we feel and think first before we start walking
20:40
Speaker 1: into the room. Does that make sense? Okay. This is
20:43
Speaker 1: where our growth happens, right? We literally look at ourselves
20:50
Speaker 1: when we're saying all these things. It's fine. I got it.
20:53
Speaker 1: I can do it. I can take it from here.
20:56
Speaker 1: All of that. We see all those statements that are
20:59
Speaker 1: just not really what we want to say. Like, no,
21:02
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I can't handle that. And then maybe you
21:05
Speaker 1: don't say that because you're afraid of getting fired. That
21:07
Speaker 1: could be a very real, real problem. So sometimes we're
21:11
Speaker 1: not going to change some things, but we just need
21:12
Speaker 1: to be illuminating them so we don't beat ourselves up
21:15
Speaker 1: for it. I hope that makes sense. Okay. Enjoy your homework.
21:19
Speaker 1: Look at what's happening. Ask yourself, what do you really want?
21:24
Speaker 1: Where do you really want it? And how can we
21:28
Speaker 1: show our value so that it's an easy ask? So
21:32
Speaker 1: that's an easy ask. No apologies required. I hope you
21:36
Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. I want you to be able to
21:39
Speaker 1: read all this, feel it, bring it into your body.
21:42
Speaker 1: And I want you to be able to walk in
21:43
Speaker 1: any room to either ask for a raise, ask for
21:46
Speaker 1: more money, ask for the promotion. And I want you
21:48
Speaker 1: to be able to really feel us behind you, right?
21:51
Speaker 1: We're all here with you. Just feeling that empowerment. Then
21:55
Speaker 1: you'll be able to say, I rock my finances.
21:59
Speaker 2: Finances YouTube channel for more engagement and bonus content. Tell me,
22:04
Speaker 2: what is your money story? Let's find out with Jennifer
22:07
Speaker 2: right here on K4HD Radio and Talk4TV. It's not about
22:12
Speaker 2: the zero, it's about the F word, feelings. Feelings Jennifer
22:16
Speaker 2: can't wait to explore with you next week. Until then,
22:20
Speaker 2: let's all say, I rock my finances.