Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 442. My partner thinks the world is ending & more (Headnoise)

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442. My partner thinks the world is ending & more (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:18
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:23
Speaker 1: This is a Head Noise episode. We are punching through
0:26
Speaker 1: some fucking great questions. I'm recording to Head Noise episodes
0:29
Speaker 1: in a row, and i just got off this well
0:31
Speaker 1: last week's Head Noise whatever if you listened to it,
0:34
Speaker 1: and I'm feeling hot and fiery and I'm getting emotionally
0:37
Speaker 1: invested in your stories, and so I'm like, I'm just
0:39
Speaker 1: going to roll straight into the next episode because I'm
0:42
Speaker 1: in the zone, so I'm not going to give you
0:44
Speaker 1: much of a life update. Also because I am on
0:46
Speaker 1: maternity leave while you're listening to this, so there will
0:48
Speaker 1: be a lot that's actually happening in my life, but
0:50
Speaker 1: I'm yet to experience it by the time you listen
0:52
Speaker 1: to this episode, so it's not going to really be
0:55
Speaker 1: irrelevant life update. I just kind of want to dive
0:58
Speaker 1: straight in to these questions, so let's do what Hi
1:05
Speaker 1: alexis I'm currently in later years of high school and
1:09
Speaker 1: I'm struggling with friends, not that I don't have any.
1:12
Speaker 1: I would honestly consider myself popular, as I'm very friendly
1:15
Speaker 1: with loads of people, but I feel like I have
1:17
Speaker 1: no real friends if you get me, Like, everyone seems
1:21
Speaker 1: to have their best friend or their boyfriend slash girlfriend,
1:24
Speaker 1: or their go to person that they spend majority of
1:27
Speaker 1: time outside of school with. But I honestly feel like
1:30
Speaker 1: once I'm outside of school, I have no one and
1:32
Speaker 1: I live in a regional town, so there isn't many
1:35
Speaker 1: options in terms of friends until I leave high school.
1:38
Speaker 1: I don't want a romantic relationship, but what are some
1:40
Speaker 1: steps I can take to get rid of or counteract
1:43
Speaker 1: to this loneliness feeling? Thank you and thanks a lot
1:46
Speaker 1: for the podcast. This is a really, really good question.
1:49
Speaker 1: And one thing that I will say to you is
1:53
Speaker 1: when you leave high school, I mean, I don't know
1:56
Speaker 1: you said the later years high school you might still
1:58
Speaker 1: have it. And I'm going to talk about ways that
1:59
Speaker 1: you can get closer with people. So that aside, but
2:02
Speaker 1: one thing that is going to be a massive eye
2:04
Speaker 1: opener is that when you leave high school, your perspective
2:07
Speaker 1: on friendship kind of gets broadened. It's a bit of
2:10
Speaker 1: an eye opening experience because in high school you're kind
2:14
Speaker 1: of forced to be in this cohort of people day
2:19
Speaker 1: in day out, day in day out, and so you
2:21
Speaker 1: foster friendships in that circle based on the fact that
2:24
Speaker 1: you'll live in the same town and you're roughly the
2:26
Speaker 1: same age, and then you're lumped in this group together.
2:29
Speaker 1: And then you leave high school and you either get
2:32
Speaker 1: a job, you leave your town. You might go to
2:34
Speaker 1: university or tafe or whatever it is that you do.
2:36
Speaker 1: But you leave and you start expanding on your life,
2:38
Speaker 1: and you have experiences that you probably never even imagine
2:41
Speaker 1: that you would have, and all these things, and you
2:43
Speaker 1: start meeting people that are way more aligned with you
2:48
Speaker 1: based on the choices that you make. A lot of
2:50
Speaker 1: people that you meet, you know, in your jobs as
2:52
Speaker 1: a young adult or university is a huge one. You
2:56
Speaker 1: start being like, WHOA I used to like? There are
2:58
Speaker 1: many people that like there were massive loaners in high school.
3:01
Speaker 1: But then they get out of high school and then
3:03
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, they've got all these friends that
3:04
Speaker 1: they're really connected with. It's super close with that they're
3:06
Speaker 1: going to travel with because you move out of this
3:10
Speaker 1: kind of forced environment where you have to see each
3:12
Speaker 1: other every single day, and then you get pulled out.
3:15
Speaker 1: Another thing is a lot of people who have these
3:17
Speaker 1: best friends forever in high school. When they leave, they
3:21
Speaker 1: realize actually, maybe we didn't have that much in common
3:24
Speaker 1: because we're not mutually putting in the effort to see
3:26
Speaker 1: each other as often as we thought we would. We
3:29
Speaker 1: just thought that we were so close because we saw
3:31
Speaker 1: each other every day. But the reason we saw each
3:33
Speaker 1: other every day is because we had no choice, right,
3:35
Speaker 1: It's not because it's like, it's not effort that we've
3:39
Speaker 1: put into it. A lot of these friendships are just
3:41
Speaker 1: effortless friendships. And then the real test is when you
3:45
Speaker 1: then have to see how much effort am I putting
3:47
Speaker 1: outside for an environment where I have to be here
3:49
Speaker 1: regardless of the friendship or not. Okay, So that's one
3:53
Speaker 1: thing that you will realize, and it will be quite
3:55
Speaker 1: a refreshing experience for you because you are going to
3:58
Speaker 1: find your people, I can guarantee you that. And maybe
4:00
Speaker 1: your people were just never in high school. Maybe your
4:02
Speaker 1: people were just never in the town that you live in,
4:04
Speaker 1: and it's going to be a year or two before
4:06
Speaker 1: you have those real, real deep connections. However, when it
4:10
Speaker 1: comes to what you're going through, because you're not a loner,
4:13
Speaker 1: you have a lot of friends, You're quite popular. People
4:15
Speaker 1: like you. You know, you're very friendly, you seem to
4:19
Speaker 1: have no problem socializing, which is which makes it easier
4:22
Speaker 1: for you than for maybe some other people. But you're
4:25
Speaker 1: saying you feel like you have no real friends because
4:27
Speaker 1: everyone's got their go to person or whatever. So when
4:32
Speaker 1: people have their go to person, it's not like there's
4:35
Speaker 1: a limit to like, oh, I've only got my one
4:38
Speaker 1: best friend, I can't have another close friend. Don't let
4:42
Speaker 1: the fact that someone has a really close friend stop
4:45
Speaker 1: you from trying to get close with them. Don't let
4:48
Speaker 1: the fact that these two girls are really really close
4:50
Speaker 1: together make you think, oh, well, that's off the cards
4:53
Speaker 1: for me. I now can't get closer with them. Try
4:56
Speaker 1: and expand you know, like say, in your group of friends,
5:00
Speaker 1: the two girls that are absolutely best friends, why not think, well,
5:03
Speaker 1: I want to get close with both of those girls.
5:05
Speaker 1: I'd love to get close with both those girls. What
5:07
Speaker 1: can I do to actually initiate things that would get
5:13
Speaker 1: me closer with them. I don't have to, you know,
5:16
Speaker 1: hack into their friendship and like steal a friend away
5:18
Speaker 1: from the other. I don't have to compete. It's not
5:20
Speaker 1: about competing. It's not about thinking it's them or me,
5:24
Speaker 1: Because when it comes to friendships, more is more. In
5:28
Speaker 1: my opinion. If they're quality friendships, okay, like it's not
5:31
Speaker 1: about quantity over quality, But when it comes to quality,
5:34
Speaker 1: if I can have another great friend and to my life,
5:37
Speaker 1: of course I'm going to welcome that coming into my life.
5:40
Speaker 1: So a lot of people, when they find their person,
5:43
Speaker 1: they just get very complacent with trying to socialize with
5:46
Speaker 1: other people, especially in high school, because you see them
5:49
Speaker 1: every day and therefore there is no real need of like, yeah,
5:52
Speaker 1: I've got this really close friend, but only see her
5:54
Speaker 1: once a fortnight. Instead, you can kind of think, you know,
5:58
Speaker 1: in high school, you're like, oh, it's just so easy.
6:00
Speaker 1: It's my number one person. It's whatever. But it's not
6:02
Speaker 1: that they're not interested in more friends. They just don't
6:05
Speaker 1: need to put themselves out there to make deeper connections
6:08
Speaker 1: with other people because they've already got that deep connection
6:09
Speaker 1: that's already being satisfied. But if you were to reach
6:12
Speaker 1: out and say, hey, let's do something one on one,
6:14
Speaker 1: let's do this, or let's do something you two goals
6:17
Speaker 1: and myself, I want to do this whatever, the likelihood
6:20
Speaker 1: of them saying yes is very high, especially because you're
6:22
Speaker 1: liked by many people. It's not like you're trying to
6:25
Speaker 1: You're an absolute stranger and you're trying to make friends
6:27
Speaker 1: out of thin air. You already have that level of
6:30
Speaker 1: popularity where people do like you, they like your presence,
6:32
Speaker 1: they like your energy. So unfortunately, it's going to have
6:35
Speaker 1: to come from you to be initiating these catchups or
6:39
Speaker 1: these hangouts outside of school, outside of school, to do things.
6:43
Speaker 1: Invite them to do something, invite them over, invite them
6:46
Speaker 1: for something, for whatever it is. And you'll see that
6:48
Speaker 1: for the most part, people are receptive to that. They're
6:51
Speaker 1: just complacent because they've already got that close person. And
6:55
Speaker 1: then you will find that the more you do this,
6:57
Speaker 1: the easier it is to start building deeper connections and
7:00
Speaker 1: these friends feel like, oh fuck, that was a really
7:02
Speaker 1: good day, that was a really good connection. Then they
7:04
Speaker 1: will take initiative and they will start initiating things as
7:07
Speaker 1: well with you. Okay, but it has to come from
7:09
Speaker 1: you first, because, like you said, they've each got their
7:11
Speaker 1: own person, so they're probably going to be lazy about it.
7:15
Speaker 1: But very good question. And yeah, when you leave high school,
7:18
Speaker 1: I think you'd be very very pleasantly surprised with the experience.
7:23
Speaker 1: All right, next question, Hi, alexis first, I wanted to
7:29
Speaker 1: say thank you for everything that you do. I've been
7:31
Speaker 1: listening to you for since twenty twenty. This is like
7:36
Speaker 1: an og bean. As I started becoming an adult. You
7:39
Speaker 1: have helped me in many ways, like leaving a two
7:41
Speaker 1: year toxic relationship and making me realize one of them
7:44
Speaker 1: was domestic violence. That's amazing, not the domestic violence, but
7:48
Speaker 1: that the podcast helped with that. You gave me the
7:51
Speaker 1: strength to rebuild myself and start to love myself and
7:54
Speaker 1: be unapologetically mean. Enough of that. My question is that
7:58
Speaker 1: I'm in my last six months of UNI. I'm feeling
8:01
Speaker 1: so lost and burnt out. This is my dream job
8:03
Speaker 1: I was working towards, which is cinematography and directing, but
8:07
Speaker 1: I can't help but feel a lack of inspiration or
8:09
Speaker 1: motivation to do anything. At this point. I feel like
8:12
Speaker 1: I'm just barely going through the motions just to finish.
8:15
Speaker 1: I don't do anything for myself other than the gym,
8:17
Speaker 1: which I love, or scroll on my phone. But I
8:21
Speaker 1: don't go out as I don't have any friends. I
8:23
Speaker 1: feel like I feel like a robot. I'm tired and
8:26
Speaker 1: bored and I don't know what to do. I feel
8:29
Speaker 1: lost but I also know that once I finish UNI,
8:31
Speaker 1: everything will be a lot better. But for the meantime,
8:34
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm drowning in phone addiction, boredom, and burnout. Help. Okay, firstly,
8:41
Speaker 1: definitely go check out my rat Park episode because this
8:44
Speaker 1: will really help you with feeling that you can fill
8:48
Speaker 1: up your life with really meaningful and fulfilling things. But
8:51
Speaker 1: what I am going to say to you is, at
8:52
Speaker 1: this point, you're kind of you're right now telling yourself
8:55
Speaker 1: that you are in limbo. You are saying to yourself,
8:59
Speaker 1: I until this happens, I'm not going to feel great,
9:04
Speaker 1: and then when this happens, it's going to feel a
9:06
Speaker 1: lot better. Don't kid yourself in thinking that finishing UNI
9:11
Speaker 1: and having your you know, being able to start your
9:14
Speaker 1: career is going to be the magic pill that changes everything.
9:16
Speaker 1: If you're always scrolling on your phone and your boredom
9:19
Speaker 1: and you're not, that's going to stay with you. So
9:22
Speaker 1: you want to actively put things into play now to
9:26
Speaker 1: start changing what's happening in the other times where you're
9:31
Speaker 1: not studying, when you're not at UNI, when you're not
9:33
Speaker 1: doing that, because that's really what our life experience is about.
9:37
Speaker 1: Our life experience is about all the little in between moments. Okay,
9:41
Speaker 1: like what are we doing when we're not focusing on
9:43
Speaker 1: a task at work? What's our default mode network in
9:45
Speaker 1: our head? What are the stories or the narratives that
9:48
Speaker 1: we're telling ourselves. How much do we really enjoy our
9:50
Speaker 1: own company? Those are the things that are going to
9:52
Speaker 1: dictate our overall levels of happiness. So I want you
9:56
Speaker 1: to say to yourself, Okay, what am I doing right
9:58
Speaker 1: now that is contribut to my levels of happiness? And
10:02
Speaker 1: the answer is not much, So then you can start
10:04
Speaker 1: to think, well, that's kind of good in a way,
10:06
Speaker 1: because I've got a good platform to start from. If
10:09
Speaker 1: your answer is I'm not doing a lot, then that's
10:12
Speaker 1: actually not a bad thing, okay, because we've got a
10:14
Speaker 1: lot to work with. Then I would start to think, okay,
10:18
Speaker 1: the fact that you know, you said you don't have
10:19
Speaker 1: many friends, You're just going through the motions. Okay, you
10:22
Speaker 1: enjoy the gym, that's great, keep that up. But then
10:24
Speaker 1: you've got to think, what are other things that I
10:26
Speaker 1: can do for myself that's purely not attached to an outcome,
10:31
Speaker 1: not attached to having to succeed at something or finishing
10:34
Speaker 1: a degree or whatever. But something that's a hobby that
10:36
Speaker 1: really fills my cup up, something that I know that
10:38
Speaker 1: I really like that maybe represents a little bit of growth,
10:41
Speaker 1: so I can see some progress. But something that might
10:44
Speaker 1: seem quite mundane to other people, but when you do it,
10:47
Speaker 1: you're like, Wow, I actually get a lot out of
10:48
Speaker 1: doing this thing. I actually really enjoy doing this activity
10:52
Speaker 1: or this thing. So that could be like me jigsaw puzzles, sewing.
10:57
Speaker 1: It could be you want to like. It could be
11:00
Speaker 1: like a sport that you want to get good at
11:02
Speaker 1: and you want to why don't you join like a
11:04
Speaker 1: pickleball whatever. You could join whatever it is, but you
11:07
Speaker 1: an instrument, the guitar, anything that you're like, this would
11:12
Speaker 1: be of major interest. It will start to increase my
11:15
Speaker 1: levels of self confidence and self love because I see
11:18
Speaker 1: myself getting a little bit better here in there. But
11:19
Speaker 1: there's no crazy like expectation on an outcome because it's
11:24
Speaker 1: just like a bit of a journey that I'm going on.
11:26
Speaker 1: I get lost when I'm able to do this thing.
11:28
Speaker 1: So when I'm engaging in this activity or task, I
11:31
Speaker 1: get lost in it. I feel like I could do
11:33
Speaker 1: it forever. Then you start to feel really fulfilled, the
11:37
Speaker 1: pool to your phone gets diminished very very quickly because
11:42
Speaker 1: you're actually feeling satisfied. The phone is addictive, but you
11:44
Speaker 1: never feel fulfilled after being on your phone. A hobby
11:49
Speaker 1: can feel addictive, but you feel fulfilled after doing the hobby.
11:54
Speaker 1: It's good for the soul, right, it's fulfilling. It feels
11:57
Speaker 1: like it's contributing a positive way to your life. All right,
12:02
Speaker 1: So that's going to be the major difference there, So
12:04
Speaker 1: my biggest and so please listen to the rat Park
12:07
Speaker 1: episode because it does talk about addiction, but it even
12:12
Speaker 1: you know, especially talks about phone addiction and things like that,
12:14
Speaker 1: and it talks about how you can really fill up
12:16
Speaker 1: your life with really meaningful things that make your overall
12:20
Speaker 1: level of life satisfaction so much higher. Okay, so go
12:23
Speaker 1: check out that episode. But I think that that would
12:25
Speaker 1: be really really helpful for you. And then I think
12:30
Speaker 1: when you start to feel a lot better and a
12:31
Speaker 1: lot more confident than it's easier to then reach out
12:34
Speaker 1: and make friends, whether it be in this hobby that
12:36
Speaker 1: you're doing, or whether it be not related to that hobby.
12:42
Speaker 1: Sense sense all right? Next question, Hi, alexis thank you
12:51
Speaker 1: so much for all that you do on the podcast.
12:53
Speaker 1: I've been listening for a few years and the podcast
12:55
Speaker 1: has helped me get through some really difficult times in
12:57
Speaker 1: my life. Thank you. I was hoping you could do
13:01
Speaker 1: a podcast on learning about how to take initiative in relationships,
13:05
Speaker 1: in work, and within yourself. I've struggled with being passive
13:08
Speaker 1: in my life and not being in the driver's seat
13:11
Speaker 1: for a very long time, and I let certain situations
13:13
Speaker 1: get to a breaking point before I change them. This
13:16
Speaker 1: is a really good question. I am tired of living
13:19
Speaker 1: this way, and I would like to understand why I
13:21
Speaker 1: have allowed this to happen for so long. Of a
13:24
Speaker 1: history of anxiety and depression, not sure if it has
13:26
Speaker 1: anything to do with it, what steps could I take
13:29
Speaker 1: to start taking control? Okay, firstly, the anxiety and depression
13:32
Speaker 1: absolutely has a lot to do with it, one hundred percent.
13:34
Speaker 1: One hundred percent, because anxiety makes you overthink things. Anxiety
13:38
Speaker 1: makes you approachings from a fear based situation. Then you
13:41
Speaker 1: become much more reactive than proactive. It makes you question
13:44
Speaker 1: yourself a lot. And also depression impacts your relationship with
13:48
Speaker 1: yourself and your self esteem. And you know your confidence
13:51
Speaker 1: within yourself and taking action on things. So anxiety and
13:53
Speaker 1: depression are major players in this as well. So absolutely
13:57
Speaker 1: that is a contributing factor. Another thing that you said
14:00
Speaker 1: here was like you obviously feel like life is very passive.
14:03
Speaker 1: You feel like you're not in the driver's seat, and
14:06
Speaker 1: that you let situations get to a breaking point before
14:08
Speaker 1: you change them. Now, that's a really, really good statement
14:11
Speaker 1: because I think a lot of us do that. A
14:13
Speaker 1: lot of us think when it gets bad enough, I'm
14:16
Speaker 1: going to walk away, you know, when I reach my limit,
14:18
Speaker 1: I'm done when I and we always have this idea
14:22
Speaker 1: that there's a version of ourselves that exists out there
14:25
Speaker 1: somewhere in the near future that will be strong enough
14:29
Speaker 1: to pull the pin on something, or to take action
14:31
Speaker 1: on something, or to get sick of something, to walk
14:34
Speaker 1: away from something than we are right now. Because the
14:37
Speaker 1: thing is that doing that thing, making the change, walking
14:40
Speaker 1: away from something reaching breaking point. It's hard, it's hard
14:44
Speaker 1: to do, and it's hard to make a change. So
14:46
Speaker 1: that's why people wait till it catastrophically falls apart in
14:48
Speaker 1: front of them, because then they really don't have an
14:50
Speaker 1: option because the actual act of walking away from something
14:53
Speaker 1: and making that call, and that final call is really
14:57
Speaker 1: difficult and it requires really backing yourself and that confidence
15:01
Speaker 1: within your decision. So what I want you to start
15:04
Speaker 1: asking yourself is, and this is a question that you
15:07
Speaker 1: can apply at any stage of your life. It doesn't
15:08
Speaker 1: you don't have to wait till it gets catastrophic. But
15:10
Speaker 1: what would it take for me to stay? And what
15:13
Speaker 1: would it take for me to leave? And you need
15:15
Speaker 1: to have tangible markers for either one. They have to
15:18
Speaker 1: be measurable things that occur or that don't occur, by
15:22
Speaker 1: a timeline that will make you move ahead with this change.
15:26
Speaker 1: And then you've got to know what would change look
15:28
Speaker 1: like if I was to leave or if I was
15:30
Speaker 1: to stay. So, for example, let's say you are in
15:32
Speaker 1: a job that you are so unfulfilled with and you
15:36
Speaker 1: feel like you're just passively you know, literally, time is
15:41
Speaker 1: just ticking on and you're feeling like you're not engaging
15:44
Speaker 1: in your life whatsoever, and you're just a passenger. So
15:47
Speaker 1: what you could say is what would it take for
15:49
Speaker 1: me to stay in this job? And what would it
15:50
Speaker 1: take for me to leave this job? So you could
15:53
Speaker 1: say normally you'd say, oh, I'll get one day I'll
15:56
Speaker 1: get sick of it, and then if I get a
15:58
Speaker 1: good enough offer, I'll take that. So now you're looking
16:00
Speaker 1: at two random, arbitrary things that you're hoping will happen. Okay.
16:04
Speaker 1: The thing is that you underestimate how much you can
16:07
Speaker 1: put up with a shitty situation. You can put up
16:09
Speaker 1: with the shitty situation for a very long time. You shouldn't.
16:12
Speaker 1: Hopefully you don't, but you can. People do it for decades.
16:16
Speaker 1: There's people that are miserable with their lives and they've
16:18
Speaker 1: been miserable with their lives for fucking decades, and that
16:20
Speaker 1: could be you. Hopefully not, but it could be. So
16:24
Speaker 1: instead of looking at it, it's like one day I'll
16:26
Speaker 1: get sick of it. People do this with relationships all
16:27
Speaker 1: the time. One day I'll snap. One day I'll be
16:30
Speaker 1: over his bullshit. No can't. You'll be putting up with
16:33
Speaker 1: it for a very long time. Because you can put
16:35
Speaker 1: up with a lot of shit. You shouldn't have to
16:37
Speaker 1: be you can. So what I want you to look
16:40
Speaker 1: at is, let's very very clear. If go back to
16:43
Speaker 1: the career example that I was beginning and then I
16:46
Speaker 1: fizzled off on with a career, what would it take
16:49
Speaker 1: for me to stay If in three months I don't
16:51
Speaker 1: love this job, I'm starting to legitimately go an interview
16:54
Speaker 1: for other jobs. I am done working in a career
16:57
Speaker 1: that I'm unsatisfied with. So what would it take for
16:59
Speaker 1: me like this job. Well, I'm gonna have to put
17:02
Speaker 1: in more effort. I'm gonna have to pretend that it's
17:04
Speaker 1: a job that I like. And how would I act
17:06
Speaker 1: if I loved this job? How would I interact with
17:08
Speaker 1: my coworkers? How would I would I be less passive? Aggressive?
17:11
Speaker 1: Would I be more likely to put my hand up
17:13
Speaker 1: for things? Would I like if I were to pretend
17:16
Speaker 1: that this job was the bill and all? How could I? Well?
17:18
Speaker 1: How would I act if I loved this job? So
17:20
Speaker 1: then I start pretending that I love this job. And
17:23
Speaker 1: then after like, I've given myself a timeline three months,
17:26
Speaker 1: After three months, if I'm like, you know what, that
17:28
Speaker 1: was exhausting and I fucking hate this job, and I like,
17:31
Speaker 1: I really tried, I gave it my all. I pretended
17:33
Speaker 1: it was my dream job it really isn't, then you
17:36
Speaker 1: have nothing to regret. And that three month mark, bang,
17:38
Speaker 1: that's the market, that's your measuring stick. That's when you
17:40
Speaker 1: start applying for new jobs. That's when we start interviewing
17:43
Speaker 1: for new jobs. Okay. Or you could say what would
17:45
Speaker 1: it take for me to leave? If you're in a relationship,
17:49
Speaker 1: you could give your partner an ultimatum, which I think
17:52
Speaker 1: is very healthy as long as you I've got an
17:54
Speaker 1: episode on how to do healthy ultimatum, so go check.
17:57
Speaker 1: Just look up ultimatum and the episode will come up.
18:02
Speaker 1: But if you give your partner a healthy aultimated saying,
18:05
Speaker 1: you know, if things don't change in our relationship like this,
18:09
Speaker 1: then this relationship can't last. You know, It's not this
18:13
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna leave you every two days. But you've
18:15
Speaker 1: got to set your partner down and say, look, in
18:17
Speaker 1: order for us both to be satisfied in this relationship,
18:18
Speaker 1: this is what I need? What do you need? Can
18:20
Speaker 1: we meet each other in the middle? And if we can't,
18:22
Speaker 1: then what's the solution to that? We're gonna have to
18:24
Speaker 1: both walk away? Right? So there's little things like that,
18:27
Speaker 1: and then so you basically you say what would it
18:28
Speaker 1: take for me to leave? You need to put down
18:30
Speaker 1: the parameters of what it looks like of what your need,
18:32
Speaker 1: how what needs need to be met, and then you
18:34
Speaker 1: put a timeline to that two months, three months, one month,
18:37
Speaker 1: whatever that timeline is, and then you've gotta be willing
18:40
Speaker 1: to walk away. So then once you have put that
18:42
Speaker 1: parameter in place, what would it take for me to stay?
18:44
Speaker 1: What would it take for me to leave? Then you've
18:45
Speaker 1: got to look like, all right, once this thing has happened,
18:48
Speaker 1: what does leaving look like? You got to know, because
18:51
Speaker 1: if you don't know, then you're like, oh, I just
18:53
Speaker 1: pushing another month under and before you know it, you're
18:55
Speaker 1: writing to me in five years time being like, can't
18:57
Speaker 1: I've not changed anything in my life and I'm still
18:59
Speaker 1: just saying that, FID. You have to know what it
19:03
Speaker 1: takes to be in the driver's seat in your life,
19:05
Speaker 1: and it takes uncomfortable decisions. It takes trusting yourself. And
19:09
Speaker 1: trusting yourself is not having all the data in front
19:12
Speaker 1: of you. It's not having all the answers in front
19:14
Speaker 1: of you. Because we think I need to have all
19:16
Speaker 1: the answers in front of me in order for me
19:18
Speaker 1: to make this decision. But that's not trusting yourself, is it?
19:20
Speaker 1: Because trust requires a level of not knowing but still
19:24
Speaker 1: following through with it. Because of that trust if you
19:26
Speaker 1: had all the answers, you wouldn't need to trust yourself.
19:29
Speaker 1: And this is the problem. People don't trust themselves, so
19:31
Speaker 1: they wait until they have all the answers, which is
19:33
Speaker 1: in fifteen years time, and then they're like, well, now
19:36
Speaker 1: I have no option but to make this decision. Okay.
19:38
Speaker 1: So in order to learn how to trust yourself, you
19:40
Speaker 1: need to start backing yourself. Start with small decisions and
19:43
Speaker 1: then make them bigger. What does it look like if
19:45
Speaker 1: I were to stay? What would it look like if
19:47
Speaker 1: I were to leave? And if I leave, how does
19:49
Speaker 1: leaving look like? How does it pan out? Start with
19:52
Speaker 1: small things and learn to follow through, and then you
19:54
Speaker 1: become more of a driver in your life. You realize
19:57
Speaker 1: that you have way more control than you give yourself
19:58
Speaker 1: credit for. So hopefully that helped. Next and last question.
20:06
Speaker 1: My partner thinks the world is ending and I'm sick
20:09
Speaker 1: of it. Great title, Hi, Alexis. Your podcast is my
20:13
Speaker 1: number one all time favorite and you inspire and help
20:16
Speaker 1: me to grow and expand as a human in this world,
20:18
Speaker 1: and I love it. You're a huge inspiration for me.
20:21
Speaker 1: Thank you. So, my partner for six years now is
20:25
Speaker 1: a very anxious and worried human. He has a need
20:28
Speaker 1: to control everything in his life and ours and know
20:32
Speaker 1: how every little detail will turn out, so he can
20:34
Speaker 1: do everything in his power to make it turn out
20:37
Speaker 1: the way he wants it to. The problem is that
20:39
Speaker 1: a lot of the things in this world that happen
20:41
Speaker 1: to you is things that you cannot have an impact
20:43
Speaker 1: on or predict. This is exactly what I talk about
20:45
Speaker 1: all the time spot on. I don't like stressing over
20:47
Speaker 1: things I can't change. Very good that I can't change
20:50
Speaker 1: the outcome off if it's possible to impact, I do
20:53
Speaker 1: what I can. I do what I can so as
20:57
Speaker 1: to not worry, and if I can't impact the outcome,
21:00
Speaker 1: it's absolutely no point for me to worry about it.
21:02
Speaker 1: Perfect mindset. I love that I try to be supportive
21:05
Speaker 1: and allow him to handle things the way he wants to.
21:07
Speaker 1: But after six years of him basically thinking the world
21:10
Speaker 1: is ending on a regular basis, my patience is getting lower.
21:13
Speaker 1: When he has his moments. I try to tell myself
21:16
Speaker 1: the matter of his worries are not my worries, and
21:19
Speaker 1: his worries don't have to impact me kind of thing,
21:22
Speaker 1: but it's hard not to think. It's difficult to stay
21:24
Speaker 1: in a positive mindset when he has his worried rants.
21:27
Speaker 1: How can I not let it impact my mood in
21:30
Speaker 1: a negative way? And in what way should I support
21:33
Speaker 1: him when I think he's insanely worried about nonsense things.
21:37
Speaker 1: Love your bean. This is a really, really, really good question,
21:41
Speaker 1: and it's extremely frustrating because that mindset isn't helpful obviously
21:48
Speaker 1: my question. And maybe you have the answer to this,
21:51
Speaker 1: and it's not something I can get an answer from you.
21:53
Speaker 1: But does he want to change or does he enjoy
21:56
Speaker 1: this mindset? Like? Does he find this mindset fulfilling? Does
21:59
Speaker 1: he ever think I wish I didn't think this way?
22:02
Speaker 1: I wish I could be more free in the mind
22:06
Speaker 1: like you are. Does he think that the way you
22:10
Speaker 1: see things would be nice to be the same way it?
22:14
Speaker 1: Does he like where is his head at number one?
22:16
Speaker 1: Because that's going to be a really good indicator of
22:19
Speaker 1: like how you can proceed. If he's like, I wish
22:21
Speaker 1: I didn't think this way, I'd love to be more carefree,
22:24
Speaker 1: then there's things that you can work on together to
22:26
Speaker 1: say we would you want me to help you with
22:28
Speaker 1: this train of thought? Do you want to speak to
22:30
Speaker 1: someone else do you want to have tools to change. However,
22:34
Speaker 1: it sounds like that's not the case, and it sounds
22:36
Speaker 1: like he's very sure of needing this control and that's
22:40
Speaker 1: the only way that he's going to be satisfied. It's
22:41
Speaker 1: the only way he's going to be happy. And control control, control, control.
22:44
Speaker 1: And if you're like, you know what differences amongst us
22:49
Speaker 1: and everything, factoring in all the differences, factoring in how
22:53
Speaker 1: vastly different we see the world, how vastly different we
22:57
Speaker 1: approach things psychologically, I still want to be with him,
23:01
Speaker 1: Then you've got like, if you've decided no, no, this
23:03
Speaker 1: is not about being with him or not being with him.
23:05
Speaker 1: I'm going to be with him regardless, But how do
23:07
Speaker 1: I navigate it? Then you need to say to him, listen,
23:11
Speaker 1: we need to find a way that we can coexist
23:14
Speaker 1: in a way that doesn't cause the other person's stress. Okay,
23:18
Speaker 1: So what I require from you is if you want
23:21
Speaker 1: to keep living this way, you need to make it
23:25
Speaker 1: as personal as possible. Don't bring me into these things
23:28
Speaker 1: when you try and control circumstances for you and external circumstances.
23:32
Speaker 1: There's nothing I can do about that. But you can't
23:35
Speaker 1: be controlling what I do. The same goes for when
23:37
Speaker 1: you go on your rants. If you're going to go
23:38
Speaker 1: on a rant, please do it with someone who actually
23:41
Speaker 1: wants to hear your rant, because I don't, because when
23:44
Speaker 1: you go on a rant, you pull my mood down,
23:47
Speaker 1: You pull like I don't feel good after you've gone
23:50
Speaker 1: on a rant and it helps No one doesn't help you,
23:52
Speaker 1: and it definitely doesn't help me, and therefore it doesn't
23:54
Speaker 1: help our relationship. It's not a helpful rant. And if
23:58
Speaker 1: you really care, you don't have to understand it, but
24:03
Speaker 1: you do have to respect it. And if you care
24:06
Speaker 1: about me as your partner, you wouldn't want to be
24:08
Speaker 1: making me feel anxious. The last thing a loving partner
24:12
Speaker 1: would want to do is to try and get their
24:14
Speaker 1: partner to feel anxious. So if you are going to
24:18
Speaker 1: go on the rant, find someone who aligns with you,
24:20
Speaker 1: and you can talk shit for the next hour together,
24:23
Speaker 1: or go on around on your own time to yourself.
24:26
Speaker 1: But I'm done listening to these rants. I'm not interested.
24:29
Speaker 1: I don't have to be a part of them. And
24:31
Speaker 1: see how he reacts to that, because that's a very
24:34
Speaker 1: very very very fair point to make. You can say
24:37
Speaker 1: that to your partner, because the alternative is you burning
24:40
Speaker 1: out anyway and leaving him being like, I'm so sick
24:42
Speaker 1: of your shit. I can't handle it. I cannot handle it.
24:45
Speaker 1: And it's only going to get worse. I can tell
24:47
Speaker 1: you right now, it is going to get worse because
24:49
Speaker 1: people rile themselves up and then they start to think
24:53
Speaker 1: like thoughts and like thoughts to track like thoughts. And
24:55
Speaker 1: that's why you know those people that start off I'm
24:57
Speaker 1: not saying you'll be your boyfriend. Is this at all
24:59
Speaker 1: a example? You know those people that start off like
25:02
Speaker 1: a little conspiracy here, a little conspiracy theory there, and
25:05
Speaker 1: then before you know it, they're like full blown. Like
25:08
Speaker 1: you meet up with them two years later and they're like,
25:10
Speaker 1: you can't fucking switch on a lad and you can't
25:12
Speaker 1: hang arahah, and you're like, oh my god, this is
25:15
Speaker 1: escalated to a crazy degree. It's because they start finding
25:18
Speaker 1: thoughts that attract similar style thoughts, and their thinking style
25:23
Speaker 1: continues to evolve down that path. So his thinking style
25:27
Speaker 1: is going to continue to evolve down that anxious, spiraling path.
25:31
Speaker 1: And it's your decision if you want to go along
25:33
Speaker 1: for the ride or not, And if you want to
25:35
Speaker 1: stay in this relationship, then here's going to find a
25:37
Speaker 1: way to like nip it in the butt at least
25:39
Speaker 1: when it comes to engaging with you about these certain
25:42
Speaker 1: things to say. I want to hear about your general
25:46
Speaker 1: concerns about other things in life, but when you start
25:48
Speaker 1: to spiral, I'm going to let you know that you're
25:51
Speaker 1: spiraling and that I'm not interested in listening to it
25:54
Speaker 1: because that's not how my mind operates, nor do I
25:56
Speaker 1: want my mind to operate in that way. Okay, And
25:59
Speaker 1: if he does want to change, then there's certain things
26:02
Speaker 1: that you can work on together, and I would definitely recommend,
26:04
Speaker 1: like even just going to a therapist a couple of times,
26:07
Speaker 1: just to get a hold on, like what are good
26:08
Speaker 1: pivoting thoughts that he can start to think about. But yeah,
26:11
Speaker 1: that would be extremely infuriating and it's not something that
26:14
Speaker 1: you need to put up with. You should not have
26:16
Speaker 1: to put up with that thing. It's just not fair. Guys,
26:19
Speaker 1: thank you so much for writing in with your Head
26:21
Speaker 1: Noise Questions. That was a great episode. All your Head
26:25
Speaker 1: Noise episodes, All your Head Nose Questions are amazing. If
26:29
Speaker 1: you do want to send in a question, you can
26:30
Speaker 1: email info at dwifmpod dot com or you can send
26:33
Speaker 1: a voice message into the website dyfmpod dot com. Love
26:38
Speaker 1: you guys so much. As always remember becind to yourself,
26:40
Speaker 1: becandt to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and
26:42
Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't