Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Who Would Do That For Me? Connection, Loneliness and Life After Divorce

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Who Would Do That For Me? Connection, Loneliness and Life After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it is about connection, loneliness, life after divorce, and it is titled Who Would Do That For You?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a reason why I called it that, which will become clear as we roll through.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So last week's episode was all about traveling solo, the gifts of it, the freedom it gives you, what it does for you when you choose to go alone, when you choose to travel alone.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't listened to that one yet, it might be a good idea to go back and have a listen because this week sort of follows it, but we're shifting focus.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Solo travel is one thing, but solo life is quite another.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about the difference between living a single solo solitary life or living peacefully, free on your own terms because there's a bit of a difference, right?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And there are pros and cons to a single life, and I think most of us, if we're honest, can hold both of those things, both of those truths at once.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, recently a friend of mine went into hospital for a procedure, and we spoke about it beforehand and what were the plans and all the things, and her partner, her life partner, took her in.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: He waited nearby while she was undergoing the procedure, then went and sat with her once she was awake and in recovery, drove her home, settled her in, had food ready, did all the texts to the family and the group chat, and managed the whole thing for her so she didn't have to.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: She could just focus on what she needed to focus on and heal in the after in the afterwood, in the aftermath, right?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I was speaking with another friend who is also single about our mutual friend who was so well tended and cared for by her partner, and she's like, Who would do that for me?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Who would do that for me?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that for many of you, clients, wider reflect community, that story about being tended, being cared for, there's that same question that surfaces.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's quiet, maybe it brings discomfort, and the question, that same question, who would do that for me?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what I would invite you to sit with for a moment, because for some of you, that question might be arriving or landing while you're still in your marriage, in your relationship, because you are so supremely capable that no one else thinks to ask, you don't fall apart, you don't lean on others, and that in itself can be the problem.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're so used to doing all the things, holding everything together, running life on a fiercely independent, high-functioning kind of pathway.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You tick off the to-do lists at home, at work, with the kids, and you probably can't remember the last time you felt held, the last time you were able to just let go, fall apart, and that can be true both in relationship or as someone living a single life after separation or after divorce, it can be true for all of those circumstances, and this is not entirely new, it's not an entirely new conversation on the podcast.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about loneliness before a couple of times actually, and I'll try and remember to directly link those episodes in the show notes.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if I don't, just Google or not Google, just search loneliness in the podcast and they'll pop up.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: But it came up again recently in conversations with clients in my own life and and in response to last week's solo travel episode.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I was talking about the gifts of solo travel, I was also aware of the flip side of that, the part that doesn't always make it into the highlight reel.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're going there, and there's a specific type of loneliness that doesn't look like crying on the couch watching reruns of sad movies on Netflix, right?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: It can sneak in quietly, incrementally over time, and you don't actually realise it's happening until maybe you notice it in really small moments when someone asks you what you did on the weekend, and you realise that the only person you actually spoke to was the barista in the cafe when you ordered your coffee or the person at the checkout when you said thank you, or that moment when, and I guess here I'm really talking about life post-divorce, not for those of you who are still in relationships.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: So let's clarify, qualify that.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's when you have news, whether that news is good or maybe not so good, and you're not sure who to share that with, who to call, who to tell.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's no one waiting for you at home, and you're not sure who's the next right piece person to reach out to.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you just don't you don't tell anybody.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: You you know, you know that there are people who love and care about you, but because you are so put together externally, so high functioning, so used to doing it all on your own, you're never quite needy enough, right?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's never a crisis that's big enough where you think that's big enough to call them in because maybe you're not even in crisis, right?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you go on and you go on alone, getting things done, living a life, and you become really good at not needing much, needing very little, at asking for very little, expecting little.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: You get so good at needing not very much, even nothing, that you even forget what it is you actually need.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Connection, care, someone in your corner, someone to bounce your ideas off, someone to share your news with.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And other people see the external, right?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: The external markers, maybe it's your job, your business, Instagram posts, you with kids, walking the dog, you on your solo holiday, even, and they think you're fine, you're getting on with it, because in part you've allowed them to believe that story and that version of you, that you are the strong, independent one, the one who never falls apart, the one who's got it all together now, and even probably through separation, through divorce, maybe you're still in the messy middle parts of that.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You because you have to be, you're pretty fierce, you're pretty brave, and you're the one that they never worry you too much about, you know.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this can be in a family through siblings or a friendship group or broader.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're giving out that energy, that signal, those signs that you're fine, people stop worrying about you.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't tell.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: You don't tell that it's hard, you don't tell that you feel disconnected, you don't say I'm lonely because for all the reasons, right?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Including it kind of sounds weak or ungrateful or like you're leaning too heavily on someone else, I'm struggling.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds I use the word ungrateful, it's and it's especially so if this is what you chose, you know, if you're lonely and ungr and and struggling in a life post-separation, post-divorce, that you chose, it can feel really hard to say that out loud.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So you play I'm fine, and you tell yourself even I'm fine, until part of you believes it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Part of you believes that this way of being is fine.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: But inside you're not, you're exhausted, you're depleted, you're running on empty, you're tired of holding it all together, tired of being strong, and tired of wondering if anyone would catch you or even notice if you fell apart.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: That question comes back: who would do that for me?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And while you're navigating a separation after divorce, you might feel like you're surrounded, even swamped sometimes, overwhelmed by people, and you can still be lonely.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: And part of that is that those people know and love a version of you that maybe doesn't exist anymore, and the loneliness isn't always about the absence of people or a person.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's about not yet having found the ones who know and will come to know this version of you, and that's not necessarily new people, it's just a new and different connection.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Those who know and you allow to know this version of you.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: But through I guess my own journey, but mostly through supporting others through it.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: What I want you to know is that if you're sitting in that space wherever you are in your relationship unraveling journey, separation, divorce, there is actually another way of being in this and moving through this, and then going on to create that life that is genuinely rich in connection and community and companionship.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the move from where you are, if you're in that lonely, disconnected space to the next bit starts really small, really small steps.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing to do is to stop.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Stop pretending to everyone else, perhaps even to yourself, that you're fine.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: You are fine some of the time, maybe even most of the time, and also there are times when you're not.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: There are times when you're far from fine, and at least a few of your people need to know that.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So choose one, choose one person, say it out loud.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Say, I'm so lonely, I can't breathe.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: That truth.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Don't minimize it, don't wrap it in qualifiers, just say it, name it, and then let them be there for you.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: They love you, they will want to show up.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: So allow them in, allow them access to your truth, even if it feels hard and messy.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Will that fix everything instantly?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Of course not, but you've named it, you've made it real and made it true and allowed it be to be true in your body, and that helps, that matters.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then next, find your people.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And we've talked about this a lot across all sorts of podcast episodes.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Find your people, spaces that feel warm, safe.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: It might be a breathwork class, a run club, a book club, an art class, volunteering somewhere.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: It might be standing on the sidelines of your kids' football match, it might be something more curated, you know, there are things like Dinner for Six or Stitch organizations that you can tap into, something like that.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: But somewhere where you're among people, even quietly, even just existing alongside others.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if strangers aren't your thing at the moment, then reach out to your network.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have to be the leader of that, create something.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is a little mini book club, maybe it is who wants to come on this hike, whatever it is.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Go find your people and move in spaces where you can be with others even if you don't have to directly engage, which is why sometimes things like a yoga class or um a talk or something like that where you're in company of other humans but you don't necessarily have to interact, can help.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes though, be aware that that can make you feel even lonelier.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're in a bunch of you're in with a bunch of other humans, you're connected with other people, but you're not deeply connected.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: So be aware of that.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that you need that inner circle, get together, and yes, you might have to lead that, and to lead that, you have to open up and say, Hey, this is how I'm feeling, let's do X, Y, or Z.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I want also to talk about the flip side, and that then taps back into me travelling solo in that episode from last week, being happily single, because it's also true, right?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: There is a version of life after divorce that is genuinely deeply good and also solo, and I don't want to I don't want to minimize that.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I want I want us to allow that both can be true because it's real, it's possible, I see it, I live it, I see it in my clients, in the women who come to me in the thick of it, exhausted, depleted, not sure who they are anymore, and then come out the other side creating, curating, crafting a life that begins to feel not immediately, but begins to feel full and free and lived on their own terms.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: My clients land there not through magic, my clients land there because they choose to, consciously, deliberately, sometimes scared, but still they choose.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: They choose themselves and with the right scaffolding and support make decisions, one decision at a time, that move them step by step toward the life they want for themselves.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: They build their support, they take one tiny step and then another and then another.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not luck, that's not magic, that's not for someone else.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's a deliberate choice, and it is available to you too.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: But it takes time, it takes time to get there.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: For most of us, we don't just magically arrive.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's a passage first, a passage to go through first.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: I had a client and I often think about her when I'm thinking about this stuff.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: She had never really made a decision just for herself, including really small things like what to cook for dinner, which restaurant to book, where to spend a holiday, even the heater, right?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: How hot or cold the temperature of the house was run.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Always these decisions were made with someone or someone's someone else's feelings and needs in the equation.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Her husband's her kids.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: And after she separated, after divorce, suddenly all of that was hers.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I talk about that being free, freedom, and it sounds like freedom, and it was, and also for her in the beginning, it was completely overwhelming.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: So many decisions, so many choices, all hers, all on her, and she found it really difficult to filter out all the noise and just focus on herself, her own needs, her own wants, her own desires.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: So part of the work that I did with her was we made lists.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: We made a joy list, things that had brought her happiness and joy in the past, some of them quietly shelved over the years, and things that she thought might bring her joy, that she just might like to try.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: We made a try list, things she'd always wanted to do, a stretchy list, you know, things that she wanted to try, um, things that she wanted to experience or explore, even some fairly crazy things.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we made uh not quite sure what to do on a weekend list, a weekend list, practical, simple things she could reach for when Saturday morning arrived, kids are with their other parent, and the hours stretched ahead and the expanse of an entire weekend felt uh way too much, too much.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: So small anchors, that's what they were, and slowly tapping into these various lists and building a life around it, the passage through the hard part became her life.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: So these things became embedded and just natural in her way of living, her way of being.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: So wherever you are in this, whether you're in the thick of it, still questioning, maybe finding your way through or just out the other side of that passage, that not quite in this new version of your life yet.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know this that the loneliness you might be feeling right now is not necessarily forever.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a reflection of the decisions you've made of who you are or what you are worthy of, what you deserve, and it's not something that you have to white-knuckle your way through alone.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: When you ask who would do that for me, there will be people either already connected to you or out there ready, willing, waiting for you to connect with them, and they will do the thing with you for you.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to need, you are allowed to say it out loud because sometimes when we voice that, not sometimes, almost always, when we voice that someone who loves us and cares about us will step in, step forward.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode landed for you, I would invite you to go back and listen to the early episodes on loneliness that I'll link in the show notes.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're ready to stop playing the I'm fine story and actually build something that feels like much more than just fine, just okay, you know how to connect with me.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: DM me or head to the link in the show notes and let's have a conversation about what creating that support around you can mean for your next step and the steps towards that life you most want to be living.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, go gently, take care of yourself wherever you are, and maybe just maybe say the thing, speak it out loud, tell one person and let them take care of you too.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.