Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep16: Comedy Kings & Queens 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep16: Comedy Kings & Queens 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up very stereotypically, man.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't play basketball, football.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up playing ping pong.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Competitively.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: That was a serious national sport back home, man.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I didn't go to any like fun summer camp, space camp.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Guangzhou, China.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I almost died.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: It was a hundred kids competing for one spot on the national team.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: We took that seriously though.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game, and he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, Asian parents, they're way too honest.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: So every pep talk just turned into an insult.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like he would come up to me and be like, Jimmy.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Jimmy.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna play well, okay?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Even though you're slow, even though you're weak, and you'll suck.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And then he would just walk away.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was very good at math.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's a big Asian stereotype.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's some truth to that.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Not because of some weird genetic thing, just because our parents care so much more about mathematics and academics.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: You guys seen it?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: You guys seen those like Kumon learning centers in those strip malls?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Kumon learning centers, for you guys that don't know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: You can tell that place is kind of fed up by the look of its logo.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's supposed to be a smiley face, but it's not really smiling.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like, man.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kuman.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: They got a different strategy.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's an old school Chinese strategy.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: It was basically my kinseniera.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: My dad just gave me a TI 83.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: And he looked me in the eyes and he was like, You're a woman now, okay?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: But when you're a kid, when your parents tell you you can't do something, what do you do?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: You rebel, right?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother's calculator.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: I stole Roy Rogers' calculator, and I locked myself in my room and I started rebelling.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: I started doing math homework.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Other kids were like fing around with like alcohol and drugs.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was fing up some problems, you know?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Locked myself in a room.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was just punching in numbers.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh man, this feels great, you know?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's so wrong.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's awesome.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: My dad was pissed.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: He was knocking the other side of the door.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't like locked doors in the house and he was screaming.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, Jimmy! Jimmy, what are you doing?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's like come out right now.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I know you're using a calculator.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Come out right now.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was so scared, I didn't know what to do.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: And he unlocked the door and he came in.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I went into full panic mode, so I just threw away the calculator and I pulled down my pants.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, dad, I was just jerking off.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: And he came in and he looked at me and then he looked at the math homework.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, good, good, very good, very good, very good.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: You must have really liked a mask.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it up.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's nothing, there's nothing that will make your Asian father more proud than to see a son jerk off to his math homework.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: Dad's here tonight.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_03: Give it up for my dad.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: He's in the house.
• 4:13
  unknown: Woohoo!
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: My daddy, oh.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: My dad's so cool.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my dad.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_03: My dad is like Mr.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: Cool guy, like life of the party, you know what I mean?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_03: Like super athletic, like really into sports.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: Like my dad's the kind of guy who watches a boxing match on TV as if he is in the boxing match on TV.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: Like he'll watch it like this.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: It's like, whoa, dad, are you winning?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: He got us involved in sports when we were younger, but not like the legit way.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_03: Only if it was free to sign up and you got a free t-shirt to play.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_03: Because if you had a pay-free uniform, forget it, you can't be on that team.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_03: For instance, I ran track and field growing up, but I wasn't on a track team.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_03: My dad would just take me to the track meets on Saturday morning and sign me up.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_03: I was the only one with my number on binder paper.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_03: It would look like this.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: Lane one, Lincoln High School, blue and gold.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_03: Lane two, Gunerson High School, brown and gold.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: Lane three, Angela.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: And some jeans, a t-shirt, and a pair of flip-flops.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know what I was doing.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: I wasn't trained properly.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody else is lined up and they're professional, like, I'm a runner.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: This is how you start position, except for me, because I was up there like this.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody on the side is telling me, like, get down.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_03: Get down in the position.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, why?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_03: Why am I gonna get down?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta get back up to start running.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: I wasn't trained properly.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: Sure enough, the race starts, the gun goes off, everybody takes off running, except for me.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: I'm hiding.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: I thought it was a drive-by.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what's happening.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: I was really into wrestling growing up, WWF.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: Before it was WWE.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like some old school wrestling, like some hacksaw, Jim Duggan, Ultimate Warrior, Rider Roddy Piper, me and Dollar Man, talk about earthquakes, I'm militiam bush, whack a.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: I was seven years old into wrestling, right?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: You know when a kid does something good in school, you give him like a toy or a prize or something, right?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm seven.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: I got good grades one time.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: And my dad surprised me with tickets to go see WWF at the arena.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_03: It was the best day in all the seven years I had lived up to that point.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_03: It was so cool.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: Me and my sister and my dad went to the arena.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_03: My mom painted our faces like Legion of Doom.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_03: We walked into that arena like we were Legion of Doom.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_03: Like they're gonna attack T-Say in accidentally.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: You know, the wrestlers come out, right?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: And they run to the ring and everybody's trying to get a high five from the wrestler.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm the littlest one trying to get a high five, talking about I saw Jim tugging, I saw Jim tugging, right here, right here, right here, but he didn't see me.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: As if they're trying to do you a favor.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I go to my mom's house, the first thing she says, she's like, Jimmy.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yo.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yo.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Why is your face so fat?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Your clothes look homeless.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: And your hair.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yo.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's a gay.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes like embarrassing for me to go hang out with my mom, you know, because cause cause Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn't buy shit she needs.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: She just buys shit because it's a good deal.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: I I brought I one time I brought a full full price shirt home,$20.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, what is it, full price?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's a bad deal.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, mom, it's only$20.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, yes,$20 if you're stupid.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: She goes to Ross and she freaks out because everything is a great deal.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Jimmy, you should buy this.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: You should buy this.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Is a good deal.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: This is a good deal.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, mom, that's a double XL shirt, okay?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it says obey on it.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna fucking wear that.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, it's okay, 50% off.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Someday it'll fit, okay?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people, because you know everyone's getting a great deal.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody's getting ripped off.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: We don't believe in that shit.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: But my mom is awesome, you guys.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: Like some people are embarrassed by their moms.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: I'm embarrassed that I'm not as cool as my mom.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: You know what my mom said to me yesterday?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_03: She said, Yes.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: With an A.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: Like seven of them.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yah, Sonny.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: She's in her 50s, but she thinks she's in her early 40s, because we let her be on social media.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: She loves Facebook and Twitter.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: She loves Snapchat.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, she likes to do all the different animal filters on her face.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: But she doesn't actually do anything with them.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: She'll just record herself going like this.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_03: She loves that.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: She knows how to do hashtags.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: She's a few years older than my stepdad, so she thinks she's a cougar.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: Hashtag cougars be like.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: Relax, Mom, you're like five days older.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_03: Hashtag haters gonna hate.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: She loves social media, but she doesn't quite understand the whole everyone can see it part of the internet.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: So she's tweeting things like, hey, your sister thinks she might be pregnant again.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_03: Don't tell anyone.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, did that weird rash go away?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_03: Hashtag gross.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_03: Have you seen Lisa's baby?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yikes! I was visiting my mom and I got sick, so she was taking care of me, right?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: But my husband was there too, and he wanted to be the one to take care of me, so he was like, babe, is there anything I can do for you?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, yeah.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: Can you move out of the way so my mom could get to me faster?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: He don't do it right.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: I tried to give him a chance too.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: I said, okay, babe, can you please make me a terra flu?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, okay, how do I do that?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, um, you get the packet and you give it to my mom.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because he was like, it's so easy you can't do it.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: I can.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, that's fine.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: If you think my life's so easy, why don't you go to some open call auditions and you understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, okay.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: And he went to all these auditions and he started booking everything.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's a true story.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called Little Daddy, Xiaopaba.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Half a billion people watched that show.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's like the Big Bang Theory of China, and Richard blew up.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, This isn't easy.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: My plane completely backfired.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show, and she would call the house in LA and she's like, Congratulations, Richard.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: You're such a good actor.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Did your son teach you how to act?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, No, no, I'm a natural.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's very good.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: You and your son, same business, you know?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: You two are very funny.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, No, no, Jimmy's not a funny.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Dad, that's bullshit, okay?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: You got one good role, good for you.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm happy for you.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: But you're not a real actor yet.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Real actors, we gotta cry, we gotta laugh.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: Do you even know how to cry in front of camera?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, Yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was raised by Asian parents.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: My dad's not even the worst, my mom's much worse.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: Anyone here see the movie Our Family Wedding?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, for those of you that did not see the movie, I'm in that one too.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay, I'll tell you the preview, okay?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: And then you'll think about it.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_03: You'll go, oh yeah, I remember seeing that preview.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: I just didn't take it a step further.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_03: Our family wedding is basically the story of the Mexican family and the black family marry into each other and all the crazy things that happen when the two cultures collide.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_03: We had a really great cast, we had America Ferrari play her sister, Carlos Mencia played our dad.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, we have Forrest Whitaker, Regina King, Lance Gross, Lupe Antroveras, the woman that killed Selena in the movie Selena.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, she played my grandma.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know how I felt about it at first either.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_03: I had to remind myself it's just acting.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: She didn't really do it.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: Don't look her in the eye.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_03: And don't turn your back.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: She's actually a really nice lady.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: But uh, I had them on my trailer away from hers just in case.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_03: We had a half Latino cast and a half black cast, right?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_03: We did what's called a press junket.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_03: They set up one day where all these different TV shows come and they interview you to promote the movie that you're in, right?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_03: So they're like, okay, Latino cast, you guys can do all the Spanish interviews.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, oh, okay, that's cool.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I don't speak Spanish.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: My last name is Johnson.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_03: Might as well put me in the black interview.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_03: It's okay.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_03: It's fine.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_03: It's fine.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's fine.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_03: We'll just do it like this.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: We'll have the interviewer ask the question in Spanish to the camera, then he'll ask it in English to you, and we'll just cut that part out, put like a Spanish voice over you.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_03: That was their solution to do interviews all day like a kung fu movie.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: Every now and then they would give me something in Spanish to say to the camera, like, hola, so Angela Johnson, yes invito a ver a our family wedding.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: And like I was sound good, right?
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: Like I knew what I was talking about.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: So at one point, this interview guy was like, you can do the interview on Spiny.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: Uh no.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_03: No, I can't.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I can say that because you just told me how to say it, but I'm not gonna understand you, so this will go nowhere.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_03: Let's just try.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: Let's just try.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_03: I've been trying since I was twelve.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_03: The first question he asked me, this is what it sounded like to me.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: Uh river, Carlos Mencina, uh river, our family waiting.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: And this is my response to him.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, let's do English, let's do English.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, boo, English, that's what I said.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm only on level two of my Rosetta Stone.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: Despacious.