Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 205: The Real Reason You Show Up The Way You Do

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205: The Real Reason You Show Up The Way You Do · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Speaker 3: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help those who tend to over own other people's emotions to experience more peace in life and less eggshells.
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: And today we're gonna be talking about something that is incredibly important to understand if you wanna change how it is that you're showing up in life and in your relationships.
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: And it's this: how you feel determines how you show up.
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: The truth is that our actions, how we speak, how we respond, how we treat other people, the choices that we make, they're all driven by how it is that we feel at any given moment.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: Now, last week we talked about how our thoughts create our feelings, and this is really building upon that.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: This is the next step in the chain.
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: So if you haven't listened to last week's, go and listen to that one because this really kind of builds upon that.
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: But once a feeling is present in your body, that feeling is what is going to drive your behavior.
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: So if you want to change how it is that you're showing up in life, if you want to change your lived experience, you have to understand how it is that you're currently feeling so that we can come up with a map to get you to how it is that you actually want to feel.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: So let me share with you a simple example.
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: Imagine for a moment that you are stuck in rush hour traffic, okay?
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: And we're gonna play around with two different scenarios here.
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: So on this first day, then you're feeling really amazing.
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: You're feeling cute, you're feeling energized.
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: Maybe you're rocking out to music that you love, or you're listening to your favorite podcast.
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: Hello, that's me.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: You're feeling really confident and you feel like life is really going your way.
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: You're stuck in traffic, yes, but the traffic isn't bothering you.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: In fact, you might decide to turn up the music and dance along.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: Maybe you're really excited to listen to another episode here on the podcast, or maybe you've been looking around enjoying the sunshine or smiling and shrugging it off at the car next to you.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: Or maybe you're using that time to call a friend, but you're really pretty unbothered in this moment.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: Now imagine that exact same scenario where the traffic is just the same, right?
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: You're stuck in rush hour traffic, but on this day you're feeling discouraged and you're already feeling victimized.
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: You're tired.
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: Work has been stressful.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: Maybe you had an argument earlier in the day and now that same traffic, it's feeling unbearable.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: You might even start thinking things like,"well, why does stuff like this always happen to me?
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: This day, it just keeps getting worse.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: Nothing ever goes smoothly for me." The traffic didn't change.
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: The only difference is your emotional state and that emotional state.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: It was shaping how it was that you were experiencing that rush hour traffic.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: Now, here's another way to think about it.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: There's a story that's kind of been circulating a bit on social media about carrying a cup of something and then being jostled and noticing what spills out.
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: Now if you're walking around holding a cup of something and somebody bumps into you, whatever is inside of the cup is what is going to spill out.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: So if you have coffee in your cup, coffee will spill out.
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: If it's water, water will spill out.
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: If it's juice, juice will spill out.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: And the same thing happens with our emotional world.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: When life bumps into us, when something unexpected happens, when we're stuck in traffic, whatever it is that's already inside of us.
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: That is what is going to spill out.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: This means that if you're feeling calm and in good humor, when your waiter gets your order wrong, then you might even smile and laugh it off.
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: You might even say something like, oh, no worries.
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: Things like this happen.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: But if you're already feeling overwhelmed and resentful, then that exact same mistake, it might trigger frustration in you.
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: Which might leak out onto your waiter.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: Suddenly you're snapping at the waiter or you're stewing about the simple mistake for the rest of the evening.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: And so it's really easy to assume that the situation caused our emotional reaction, but often the situation is simply revealed an emotion that was already present for us.
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: And so today I want to invite you to start to get curious about two things.
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: First.
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: What is it that I'm feeling right now?
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: And second, what do I want to feel instead?
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: That's what's gonna create the roadmap to get to where you want to go.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: Now, before we go further, let's kind of talk about the emotions themselves, emotions or feelings.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: There's simply a vibration in the body.
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: That's it.
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: They're just a sensation in the body.
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: So this might feel like tightness or warmth, maybe it's pressure or expansion.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: Maybe it's high energy or low energy.
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: But when you resonate with a certain emotional vibration for long enough, then it can start to feel like that's your own personality.
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: That's now become your temperament.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: And when that happens, you might say things like, well, I'm just an anxious person.
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: I'm easily overwhelmed.
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: I'm just naturally pessimistic.
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: But what's really happening is that your brain and your body, they have practiced certain emotional vibrations for so long that they've now become a part of who you are.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: They've become familiar.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: They've become your default emotional setting.
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: But what if your default emotional setting isn't what you want it to be?
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: Now, let me share with you an example from one of my clients, and we're just gonna call her Anne.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: I've changed some details, but Anne has gone through some really difficult friendships in the past.
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: She's been hurt and betrayed, and because of those experiences, then she's began to feel jaded when it comes to female relationships.
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: So that means that when she's meeting new people, then she's showing up as guarded, pessimistic, distrusting, on edge.
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: She doesn't open up very easily.
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: She goes into relationships just assuming that these other women will disappoint her.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: And so she keeps it emotional distance, and because she's showing up as guarded, it actually makes it harder for her to connect with people.
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: Now during coaching, we talked about what emotions might serve her better and how would she like to feel about these potential female friends.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: Now, she wasn't necessarily in a place where forcing herself into love and trust would feel safe or authentic.
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: Feeling guarded, it did actually help her to feel safe because that way she could protect herself from future harm.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: But as we talked, we found an emotion that felt both safe and possible for her.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: Curiosity.
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: So instead of entering relationships feeling guarded, then she started to practice just neutral curiosity.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: She did not have to decide right away who was safe and who wasn't.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: She didn't have to decide right away who to be friends with.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: She could be curious, and she could collect evidence along the way of the qualities that did and did not feel safe to her.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: She could look for evidence of trust, reciprocation, and mutual care.
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: She could ask herself questions like, well, what is this person like?
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: What can I learn about them tonight?
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: And well, I wonder in what ways were compatible and I wonder what ways were not compatible.
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: She could just lead with that curiosity.
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: And that curiosity allowed her to stay discerning while still being open to the possibility of connection.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: And that small emotional shift, it completely changed how she started showing up in relationship.
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: Let me share with you another example.
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: Sam was starting to associate the feeling of overwhelm with his wife.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: Many of their conversations revolved around politics and the current state of the world.
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: And the truth is that his wife cares deeply about social issues, and she wanted to talk with her partner about it.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: But Sam would come home after long work days, feeling already mentally and emotionally exhausted...
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: and when those conversations started, he immediately felt overwhelmed.
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: Eventually he began to dread having conversations with her at all, which really wasn't helping his marriage.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: So during coaching then we kind of explored other emotions that he had towards his wife.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: And as is usually the case, he was actually experiencing more than one emotion at the same time, and one emotion that he had unintentionally turned the volume down on was love.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: He fell in love with his wife for her compassion, he fell in love with her for her level of empathy.
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: He loves how deeply she cares about other people and the world around her.
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: Instead of trying to eliminate the overwhelm completely, then Sam, he simply started practicing, turning up the volume on the love that was already there.
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: And when he listened to her concerns through that lens of love instead of through the lens of overwhelm, then the whole experience changed.
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: His wife still talks about the same topics, but his changed emotional state has changed how it is that he's receiving her commentary.
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: And that has made a huge difference in their relationship.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: He is now better able to really, truly listen to her.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: He's better able to hold space, and this has deepened their connection and increased the love and joy that they experience in their relationship.
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: All right, let me share one more example.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: Chloe has noticed that she's starting to feel intense disdain towards her work.
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: She had a conflict with a coworker one day, and since that day, anytime she sees that coworker, she just feels completely drained.
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: At work then she stews over every single word that this coworker has said.
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: When she comes home, she talks about how much she hates her job and all of the stress that this coworker is creating for her, And it's starting to take a toll, not only on her, but on everybody that she's talking to.
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: So she came to me knowing that something really needed to change.
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: She also knew that she didn't necessarily need to love her job, but at the very least she wanted to stop hating it.
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: So through coaching, then she realized something really important.
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: Working there was actually a choice.
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: Nobody was forcing her to be there.
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: She didn't have to show up.
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: And in fact, as we talked about this, then she realized that, oh yeah, I was actually offered an opportunity to transfer to another branch if I wanted to.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: And I wouldn't even have to reapply to the job.
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: They could just transfer me over there.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: And once she saw that staying in that position was optional, and that change was within her power, her whole perspective shifted.
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: Instead of feeling trapped in her job, she now chose to lean into that feeling of choice, that this was optional for her, and now she felt like she was in fact choosing to go to work each day.
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: In fact, she was even choosing to engage with that coworker.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: And that shift towards seeing it all as optional, it allowed her to feel more neutral about her job.
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: Knowing it was a choice to be there, it even alleviated the pressure that she felt to find something new or to transfer.
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: Simply feeling more neutral about her job has allowed her to show up at work, feeling less resentment, and experiencing more clarity.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: When you're a deep feeling person, emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: It can feel like emotions are just happening to you, but the truth is that you can learn how to work with your emotions more intentionally.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: Now, most people are only familiar with three emotions.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: Sad, mad, and glad.
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: But there are dozens and even hundreds of emotional experiences that are available to you.
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: And something else that's really important to know is that often we experience multiple emotions at the same time.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: In fact, right now I want to do a little exercise with you.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: Take a moment right now to see if you can identify three emotions that you're currently experiencing and then see if you can kind of separate them out and see how each of those emotions feel in your body.
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: So for example, right now as I'm recording this episode, I'm experiencing several emotions.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: I'm feeling excited to share this with you and for me, that excitement, it feels light, it feels expansive in my body, it feels energetic.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: It has this upward momentum about it.
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: It's almost like sunshine just kind of radiating outward into the world.
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: And also, I'm feeling a little bit nervous, even though I've recorded over 200 episodes here on the podcast, putting new ideas out into the world, it requires a lot of vulnerability.
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: And so, yeah, for me, the nervousness, it makes me feel a little bit smaller.
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: It makes me feel a little bit shaky and my throat can feel a little bit tighter.
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: Another emotion I'm experiencing right now is confidence.
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: I feel confident in talking with you about this subject, and for me, confidence.
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: It feels grounded.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: It feels solid.
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: I notice that my posture kind of lifts a bit.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: My shoulders, they roll back, and my voice, it feels clear and steady.
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: And really isn't it kind of interesting to notice that I can feel both nervous and confident at the same time?
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: And if both of those emotions are present, why not choose to turn up the volume on the emotion that feels better in the moment?
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: If I choose to turn up the volume on my nervousness, which is something we often do when we're hyper-focused on, Ooh, I don't wanna feel that.
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: I feel too nervous.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: We're actually giving it more energy.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: So if I choose to turn up the volume on my own nervousness, I might start to hesitate or second guess myself.
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: But if I choose to intentionally turn up the volume on confidence, then I would show up stronger and with a more clear message.
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: Now, both emotions can and do exist simultaneously, but I get to choose which emotion it is that I want to amplify.
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: So right now, I want you to just take a moment and pause and see if you can identify three emotions that you are experiencing.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: So maybe you're feeling calm, maybe you're feeling tired, maybe you're feeling curious.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: Just notice how each of these emotions feel in your body.
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: Become more familiar with them.
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: And then ask yourself, what would happen if I turned up the volume on one of these emotions?
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: How might that change how I'm showing up today?
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: Because the truth is that you are driven by your emotions.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: Your actions are driven by your emotions.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: So the more aware you become of what it is that you're feeling, the more intentional you can be about how it is that you wanna show up in this world.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: And here's something really important to remember.
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: You become what you practice.
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: So if you practice joy, joy will spill out.
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: If you practice anger, anger will spill out.
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: If you practice overwhelm, overwhelm will spill out.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: If you practice confidence.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: Confidence will spill out Your temperament or your personality.
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: It is just a mood or an emotion that you've practiced repeatedly over time.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: So now the question becomes, what emotion are you currently practicing and what is that emotion creating for you?
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: What emotion would you like to practice instead?
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: Do you like what this is creating for you or do you want to change it?
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: And what might living through that new emotion create for you?
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: Because when you learn how to work with your emotions more intentionally, you really, truly can change your life.
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: Now, if you're ready to do that work, if you want help understanding your emotional patterns and learning how to shift them in ways that create more joy, more confidence, and more connection, I would absolutely love to help you.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: This is exactly what I do with my coaching clients.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: So together we can look at your current emotional default settings and create a plan to help you to rewire your brain for the emotional life that you actually want.
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: It just takes practice and sometimes a little bit of outside help.
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: So email me at Maryann@maryannwalker.life or come to my website, MaryAnn Walker Life to apply to work with me now.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: Change just might be closer than you think.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for being here, and let's talk soon.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: Bye now.