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Rabbi Moshe Haber Orchot Yashar: Mastering Midot 7.5.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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We've been doing every week the breakfast, Sunday breakfast,
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taking a different chapter for Heineken FC's book.
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What he did was he wrote a book that was, he said people always
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kind of came to him for advice. So he has an idea he compiled
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based on the letters at Olive Beth.
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He compiled a list of things that he recommends a person
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should work on and realized as the most important things for a
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person to develop in the right way.
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You come to a letter, ma'am now and literally he shifts gears
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from week to week. Last sequels, Les Sanut was a
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complete topic and now men. What is men for me dot now me
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dot, which means character traits and development of
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character traits. It's very important to analyze
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this in depth for the following reason and that is that you
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don't have a time in life per SE that you're officially sit down
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and work on me dot. You don't have a schedule where
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you say during these few minutes it's me doing time.
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We have musar, I understand that, but there's no specific me
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doing character trade time. And yet the reality is the
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reality is this for many, many people, this can be pushed to
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the wayside. And that means a person could
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say, I'm going to work on myself in every area.
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I'm going to work on my learning, I'm going to work on
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my praying, I'm going to work on my muna, I'm going to work on
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these things and kind of better Jew, my kashut, my Shabbat, all
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normal. And the person and those things
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are processed, but the person will never get in a sense, never
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spend time directly focusing on their midot.
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It's very possible because you don't have a set time, you don't
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have a set book, you don't have really anyone forcing you to
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work on your midot, right? And therefore you easily can
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push it away side. And yet the reality is we know
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the line, it's Kamala Torah. What does that line mean?
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Precedes the Torah. So it sounds like, you know,
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people will throw this at you or someone sees a learning guy and
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they see him driving too fast. They say that's not really the
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definition of those words. The definition of those words
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are that you have to be a person before you're a learning person.
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You have to work on yourself as a person before you work in
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yourself to rise up. You have to 1st be a human
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being. Now let's understand these words
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he brings and I'll bring out, I think a major point.
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He's just like this Rabin who he says like it says in high vital
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and the service says Shami dot a non NIMIM Mitaryagam.
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That's what we have 613. That's what where in those 613
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do we say we do it? Where in the does it say develop
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yourself? And when I say me, do what I
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mean work on your anger, work on your frustration, work on your
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I'm talking about other people, work on your jealousy.
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These are me. Do it right, Work on your
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Galvan, all these different things.
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We're in the 613. There's the same thing about
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these. There's not one place in the
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613. Mitzvah doesn't say anything
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about having to meet doors. So he says, you know, why?
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Not because they're insignificant, but rather
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because they're more significant because God gave the Torah and
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its laws to a Jew. You got to be a Jew before you
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get to that Mitzvahed Kihen E Karevi soda mitzvah.
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That is the foundation. That is the foundation of being
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a person. I once said this in a speech.
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This is private Al and my father afterwards said, I'm more sure
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you said a very dangerous speech.
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He said. I said why?
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And he never commented on my speeches ever in a negative way.
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He says because someone can take that the wrong way and someone
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can bash everybody by saying before you work on Tada Ahmeds
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4th work on becoming a person. That's not what the meaning of
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these words are. What the meaning is is that life
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overall requires a person to recognize I have an entire focus
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on developing myself and I have an entire approach of working on
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myself other than something I realize.
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If I'm you dot, let's say you work on your anger and you start
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calming on your anger. You don't get angry as as often.
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Very good. Frustration is still going to be
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a thing. Let's say you work on
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frustration, impatient. It's still going to be a thing,
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still going to be there. Let's say you work on that.
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Jealousy may very well be a thing, La Shawna, which in the
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form of lack of Medoth, might very well be a thing, right?
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There's so many different forms of lack of character, weakness
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and character, and they're always going to pop up.
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It's literally like playing that game whack A mole when it comes
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to working on Medoth. So what do we do?
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All we do is they recognize and double down on the fact.
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We double down on the fact that it's the heaviest and most
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significant part of your existence.
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Most significant part of your existence, it's a work on yummy
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dog. Before you say I have to finish
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shots, before you say I have to learn work and I have Kavanaugh,
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my Tefila. I realize this fact.
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The most significant part of my existence is to work on my
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character tree. If you realize that, if you
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absorb that fact, then you'll slowly but surely develop and
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develop some more. That's how it works.
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Once a person recognizes how significant is, I'll give you
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some quotes, he says from Khazal.
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You're always like this number one call on Mark Zeke Mahloka
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Alaka Midora, someone who's someone who double S down in the
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fight, someone who holds on to a fight.
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He's committing a sin, right? We know there are many, many
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sins and we're talking about other people.
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And let me give you how how more it is call Ahmed Kaye anyone
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who's arrogant arrogant is a lack of character.
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What does he consider Harry U Kiko fed be car.
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He's like someone who doesn't believe in God.
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If he's arrogant, that's pretty strong, right?
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And it says that person should be cut down like an ashirachi,
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like a vedaza tree, he should be cut down.
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That basically means an arrogant person has to be wiped off,
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right? And it says his dirt, then a
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Faro, his dust will not be brought back to life by tequila.
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The Mateen doesn't say that about someone that's heavy.
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That's very heavy. Why do we need to know this
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heaviness? So give me another example.
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Call Aquas is someone who frequently gets angry.
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Kilu O Vera vedaza that's heavy Call Meena getting on show Timbo
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and that person's got to deal with all sorts of getting on
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someone who's jealous. What they say about a jealous
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person, you know, says about a jealous person.
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I'm giving you all the happiness first, what does it say about
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person who's jealous? Think about rights.
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A person who's jealous, what happens?
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His bones rot. Vlad canal Amaruat motel
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Merkevin his bones rot and they're all facing anyone else
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and then it says Kanata vote Kadava kavod these three things
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better character jealousy running up the desires running
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up the kavod takes the person out of this world right Mosia
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domino them someone who who's someone who's in someone who
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hates what to say about that person over and it's worse.
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We know we're in the time period 3 weeks.
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We know hating another person for nothing major, right?
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Petty hatred is more significant than the big three.
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The big three means a murder. What does that mean?
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Doesn't mean that they're literally more significant.
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It means in a certain sense, our person needs to absorb the fact
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that the most heavy thing of your existence, the biggest job
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in your life is to work in your character.
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That's the reality. The biggest job that you will
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find your existence is to work in your character.
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How do you know? How can I prove it true?
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Have you anywhere? Any of us developed in a certain
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area, we've learnt more, have we prayed more?
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Have we gotten more observed in certain areas?
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We have. How hard is it still for you to
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get over a certain degree of anger that you have?
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Certain person gets you nervous, right?
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And a brother-in-law, he gets you nervous and certainly gets
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you nervous. It's still hard to get over that
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person, even deal with that person, even though you're
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developing, even though you're working on yourself.
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And another thing I'll prove to you, in all fields, I'm talking
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about every level of observance in every sect.
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The most difficult thing to realize is that there's still
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fights. No matter what level of religion
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a person is, there still exists major fights.
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There still exists major challenges getting along.
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Why? Because this is the hardest
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thing a person has to work on. Thank you so much.
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And now you have to realize this.
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How could it be? There's no book on me dot.
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There's no time we give to working on me dots.
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How can I make it so heavy when the reality is there's no focus
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on it? How much focus do you give in
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your day to work on your medoth? How much focus you giving it?
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Here's the thing, you don't really give a person doesn't
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really give any focus on it. What happens is life forces a
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person to work on the medoth, which means if you want to be
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married properly, you have no choice but to work on your
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medoth. There's no other way, which
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means you're going to work on your patients, you know, work on
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your frustration, you're going to work on your anger, you're
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going to work on understanding other people.
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You're going to work on excuse me, work on not talking
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negatively. All these things are going to
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come out to your marriage, right?
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You want to raise your children properly.
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You're not have to work on your medoth.
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You're not have to work on not caring about respect so much,
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not demanding it, right? If you want to raise children
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today properly, if you demand respect and you're raising
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children, good luck. It's not going to happen because
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today, the way the world is, where our children are growing
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up, they do not, They're not built with the same level of
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respect. And of course they should have.
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I know they should have. I got that.
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But the reality is if you make that a prerequisite to exist and
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to be a father, you'll be frustrated, constant.
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So now you have to be more hell cavort all the time.
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Now you have to be someone who overlooks things all the time.
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Now you have to be someone who is not so demanding of himself
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existing. It's a whole different existence
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of yourself. What happens is life is the
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Mossad selfit of character. Life itself keeps forcing you to
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be a good person, and it makes you develop if it's still a part
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of us. A person can be a good father
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and a good husband and still have terrible medoth.
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Why? How's that possible?
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Good father, good husband, terrible medoth.
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So the life is not going to be his schooling to make him a good
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person. First of all, how is that
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possible? How can a person be a good
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father and a good husband? Terrible Medoth.
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It's not thinking and but how could it be?
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He's a guy who's patient. Obviously he's a person who's
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slow to anger, obviously who's a person who doesn't care about
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respect because he's a good father and his children won't
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respect him all the time. So how can it be?
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A person doesn't have to be taught.
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How am I saying this fact? Here's a reality that people
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have to realize and that is that people create a circle.
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People create a circle around themselves and whoever's in
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their circle they love, they treat properly, they're good
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with any person outside their circle is the worst person in
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society. And it all depends on who you
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consider part of your circle. I've made this observation in
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families and people forever, and that is you could have people
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that's so good to their children, something
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unbelievable, so good to their children, and they don't talk to
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their brother over something small.
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I'm not talking about something big.
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I don't think about business. I'm not going to give up.
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They're so good to their kids. They love their kids.
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They take care of their kids and they don't talk to their
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brother. How's it possible?
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The answer is, and by the way, at one point they were so close
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to their brother. The answer is, and this is a
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very sad reality, Their circle within got large enough that
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they no longer need this circle out there and they therefore cut
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those people out. Yet the reality is overtime in
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life, it's a very sad existence because they do need that person
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and they wouldn't wish they get along.
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But here's a person who thinks that they worked on that
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character, but you haven't worked in your character and not
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one dropped. You worked on your patience with
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your family because that's your circle.
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You worked on your angrier family.
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That's your circle, your frustration, your lack of
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respect, all that. That's your circle.
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But outside your circle, you hate every person out there,
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right? That's fake working on
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character. I've seen this eyewitnesses
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first hand many times, that sketch character development.
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That's a 0. It's a I'll tell you why it's a
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0 because once his arm breaks down, once you say they're in my
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circle, it's like my leg. Do I care about my leg?
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Of course I do. Do I want my leg to be in pain?
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No. So I love my children.
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I don't want my children to be in pain and therefore I'll
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overlook things. But my sibling, my cousin or
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someone out there, I could care less about them.
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They don't mean anything to me. So therefore that's not
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developing. In my humble opinion.
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That's a 0 on the scale of character 0.
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Because if you only care about certain people on that list, we
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know we have a bird. That's not kosher.
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The name of the bird is called the Hasidah.
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Why is it called the Hasidah? I finally say this all the time.
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Why is it called the Hasidah? Because it's very nice to his
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family, very nice to his family. So why is it on kosher?
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Because it's very mean to everybody else.
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And that's a sketch. We have that in this world.
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We have that in society. We have our circle, our circle
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we love, and the people just an inch outside that circle and the
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devil, how'd that happen? Because we made a circle around
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ourselves and we love those people and other people we hate.
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That's a sketch a 0 on the scale of character.
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So then let me ask you this question.
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I thought about this all time. How then can a person develop?
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How's the person developing character?
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If you're telling me that the notebook there's no part of your
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schedule. You could even have a circle
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which is considered in a circle. People who are your friends,
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people who are your children, people who are your your wife
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and your parents, your small circle, those you love and those
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you care for and they could do no wrong.
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So where exactly are you going to work on care of?
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How do you work on care of right?
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Truth is have to know those two things.
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I think give me a humble opinion.
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Two things. You work on character in two
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weeks. One, you recognize the fact that
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it is your #1 greatest task on this earth.
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Your number one most important task on this earth is to develop
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as a human being and your character to be a person who
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doesn't care about honor. If at 50 you get the same
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insulted and people don't respect you as you did at 40,
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that's a failure in the area of Cowlitz and you got to work a
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little harder. If you get the same frustrated
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at people at that older age as doing you younger, it's a
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failure and the area of frustration and on and on.
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And the person has to realize my job on this earth is it
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developing character, my #1 task.
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If I recognize that that's my #1 mission on this earth is that my
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body and myself at 120 looks very different.
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Your existence is your character.
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That means how much anger you have, how much you get upset
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other people, how jealous you are, how much you care about
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kaboot. That is your definition of who
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you are. Everything else is outside who
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you are. Your body, your soul is your
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character. And how much that's changing is
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dependent, deciding how much you're growing.
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So if you absorb that fact and you realize that your #1 task,
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right? People always say why I have to
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be in this situation, Why me? Wild to be yesterday we had no
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power, right? And we had across the street,
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across the street. There was one home.
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I'm sure you all I was in no blocks.
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There's one home as lit up with a generator, right.
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And the whole time, you know, you have this sort of sense
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toward that family, like why do they have a generator?
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Why don't we have a generator? Their house looks lit up like,
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you know, forget it. We had to get light from them.
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That was the type of thing. I was very sad.
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I you like, you know you're getting nervous, not saying
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jealous per SE, but you're getting nervous.
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You're in that situation yesterday.
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You know why you're in that situation.
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The number one reason you had a power outage.
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You know why? To figure out how patient you
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can be, how you can avoid jealousy, how you can handle
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things, how you can roll with it.
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That's why you're in that situation.
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It's the only reason God puts us in a power outage and the only
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reason God puts us in traffic and the only reason God puts us
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dealing with a difficult buyer and dealing with a difficult Co
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worker and dealing with a certain area with your wife and
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dealing with certain nutrition. The number one reason is so you
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can become a different person and when you do, God takes it
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away when a person is able to handle that challenge.
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And this is more than your MUNA and more than you beat the horn
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is the development of yourself. You may use your MUNA and beat
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the horn to help you develop yourself.
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You realize it's kind of from my shame.
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So you develop yourself. But the number one reason you
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deal with headaches is that you become a better person.
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And you slowly but surely do. And then what happens?
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Those issues slowly but surely go away.
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And then what happens? New issues crop up, right?
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Why? Because you're supposed to
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slowly, slowly develop in that area too, and surely become a
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better person in that area. I say this all the time.
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I spent eight years in a dorm, 8 years living with guys.
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Four guys in a room, Guys coming in blasting music. 2O clock in
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the morning, turning on the lights while you're fast asleep,
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right. Guys that didn't smell the best,
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guys that didn't look the best. Got also, it's action, all
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right? I can say it's very honest.
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Eight years in the Dome does not match.
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One night being married. One night being married, Right,
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Right. Wrong.
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Not because of the smell or the look or the sound, because of
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all the different other processes you have to deal with.
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So why does God do that? Because you got to deal with
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this and you got to deal with that and then you develop and
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there is no other way. You know, I know someone in
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reality, I know in in the Shiva learning, there were many rabbis
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who actually never got married. Never got married.
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Why? Because they're the original
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crew of what they called Alta mirrors.
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The old people from the mirror, they went through China,
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Shanghai, China, that story there, the group that went to
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China, and there were no wives for them at the time, and they
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never got married. All right?
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Few of them never got married. And yet they had students.
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They built the Holy Shira and they had students, and they used
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to give classes to Khatanim. So they never got married
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themselves, and they gave classes to Khatanim.
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That was the world. And there was a big dispute and
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a big debate about whether that's OK.
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And in fact, some people said you're not allowed to listen to
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classes, these rabbis, that you could do a lean.
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They could do a lean. They were people who were
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unbelievable. They worked on themselves.
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They developed. They spent five years or so in
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China learning all day, finding about the fact that they lost
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their family and not flinching. They were unbelievably developed
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people, but they were never married.
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So in that area, they were not developed.
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And the rabbis said, I'm not at all if you could listen to a
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qatan class from them because they didn't develop in that
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area. Yeah, but they're a got dual
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doesn't make a difference. They didn't face that challenge.
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You may not be able to hear from them.
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Everything that you're facing in life is your help to develop
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yourself and the more you absorb that, the more you realize that
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the more you're able to handle and the more you're able to
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grow. That's my first recommendation I
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think to development and and you do it.
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What's the other part quickly is this.
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And that is how much do you deal and think about other people?
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If you're heavily focused on other people, if that's your
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world thinking and worrying about other people, you will
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have so many areas of issues. Frustration, lack of cavort,
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anger, Ashwinara, jealousy goes all the norm if you're very busy
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with other people. I met a person the other day.
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I was sitting and learning with a person.
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This guy is a very pretty, he's a very prominent person in this
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community. Very prominent.
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OK, very well off, very big family.
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One of the most prestigious families in the community.
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Fine. The guy, for whatever reason,
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does not know a soul's name. He doesn't know anybody's name.
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Doesn't know anyone's name, right.
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Some people, like I know my parents, they knew every single
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name that existed. So and so is this guy's cousins,
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guy's uncle, the whole thing. Every time you hear someone's
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getting married, they know where they are.
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I don't know that many people. This guy does not know his soul.
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OK, now is that a good thing or a bad thing?
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He doesn't know people's names. He's part of the community.
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He's got maybe 8 kids, they're all married to procedures,
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families. He has grandkids.
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He is a big business. He's all over the place.
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He doesn't know anyone's name. Why?
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He's a little bit absent minded question.
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Is that a good thing or bad thing?
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Can I know where people are? It's an extreme.
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I understand. I think I.
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Was introduced to someone like 6 times the same like as if it was
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the first time. Right.
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So it's really bothersome technically speaking.
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It's bothersome technically speaking.
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And it's strange. It's unique.
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It's his makeup. It's just how his parents raised
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him. I understand that fine.
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But you know what the one beauty is, he that can care less about
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the kind of car he drops, he can care less.
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That's plays right into it. He can care less when so and
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so's daughter gets married to a more famous people.
21:19
He can care less. He can care less when his
21:21
grandchildren are not at the top of the class, right?
21:24
And they're not getting valid attorney.
21:25
He can care less. He can care less.
21:27
I want someone else has something to say about him.
21:29
It doesn't matter to him because he doesn't flow with other
21:33
people. And so I don't want to be that
21:35
person, but I do want to have that makeup, which is I do not
21:39
want to be constantly. Some people the way they live.
21:43
You know, the community talks. We know that, right?
21:45
Every time any, any, any blip happens, the whole community
21:48
talks. Some reason we have the hottest
21:51
airwaves of the world, right? Somehow over the course of a
21:53
Shabbat, right, you can find out about a donation that happened
21:58
in Allenhurst and the whole community is going to find that
22:00
advantage. It's the way we are.
22:01
I don't know what it is. We talk, we talk, we talk every
22:03
movement of school, we talked about everything we talk about.
22:05
It's all cute, it's all fine. Someone says getting married,
22:08
you talk about that. All these different things,
22:10
politics, all good, fine. The problem with that is if you
22:14
are, if you someone who's aware of the airwaves and you know
22:17
someone who cares about airwaves, you know, you care
22:20
about, they're talking about so and so.
22:22
They're not talking about me. They're busy with so and so.
22:24
They're not busy with me. Why is this person getting that
22:27
fanfare? Why am I not?
22:28
Why is so and so daughter getting married?
22:30
Why isn't I not? Why are they?
22:32
Why did they have stuff busy with that house this summer and
22:35
not mine? And this becomes part of your
22:36
existence and the more you function with other people,
22:40
which is a beautiful need to be a social person, but it's also a
22:43
very weak thing because you're a very, extremely social person
22:46
and you're a very dependent person and a very, very
22:48
dependent person. Then you know what, you have to
22:51
deal with all sorts of things with your children getting along
22:53
with this swan and dealing with that one and being part of the
22:56
inner circle and all these different things.
22:58
So the, I think the second recommendation is not to become
23:01
a hermit, no, but to not care that much about other people's
23:06
existence. Just don't don't care about them
23:08
at all because the real reality is their life and their world
23:13
plays 00 and to your success and your existence.
23:18
Remember the lesson of the wife of On Ben Pellet?
23:22
The wife of On Ben said a couple weeks ago on Shiva morning, the
23:25
wife of On Ben Bella on Bella was the guy who joined along
23:28
with Kodak originally to find Moshe Beno.
23:32
His wife came to him and said what are you doing?
23:34
He said what are you talking about?
23:36
She said you're joining Kodak. The family should have been him.
23:39
So Kodak becomes a leader right? What's going to happen?
23:42
Are you going to become the leader?
23:43
No. Is it going to do anything to
23:45
you or nothing to gain? The reality is and now she got
23:49
come in so I wasn't the back out of the fight.
23:50
The reality is when we hear about all the community talk,
23:54
all this nonsense and all this noise, it's just noise.
23:57
It makes no difference to your life. 0 Now the key was there by
24:01
the way, it makes no difference to their life either.
24:02
Fine, just talk. But the less you care and the
24:06
less you live in that world and the more you're able to do
24:09
things that are independent, the more you're able to function
24:12
with your own family and say to yourself, I'm good, I'm happy.
24:15
What happens to them doesn't matter.
24:17
The less you're busy with the world, the less you get jealous,
24:20
the less you care about Kavoid, the less you get angry, the less
24:23
you get frustrated, the more you're able to exist in a
24:26
peaceful world. So and the and the first have I
24:28
told you don't create a circle. And 2nd I'm telling you create a
24:32
circle, which means in a sense it was a function on your own
24:35
and not really busy with other people.
24:37
What happens is you get alone so much better with other people
24:41
that way. And this I think are the 2 main
24:44
themes. There's a lot of themes.
24:45
There's two main themes of character.
24:47
As I telling you is this one, your number one job in life is a
24:52
development character. Bottom line, your number one job
24:56
is to look different at 1:20 than you do today in every area
25:00
of who you are and #2 to figure out a way to function among many
25:06
people. You have a lot of friends, a lot
25:08
of people you know, beautiful, very large community.
25:10
That's like a small family. That's very cute.
25:12
If you know what happens in a small family when it's one
25:14
person gets more covered with another person and one person
25:17
gets it's more procedure than the person.
25:19
There's jealousy, there's talk, there's negativity, there's a
25:22
shraddha. You got to deal with the
25:23
function the way that you can care less, but it goes on other
25:27
people. The more you're that way, the
25:28
better off you are, the more you function independent.
25:31
The guy who can go on a vacation to a different place and
25:36
everybody else, he's the guy I'm I'm impressed with because he's
25:39
able to say for my family, we do a little differently.
25:41
I'm not leaving the community. I'm not saying there's sometimes
25:44
stay in the Hamptons instead of deal.
25:45
I'm not doing something crazy. I'm just saying I'm going to
25:48
change it up a drop and I have the ability to say I do my own
25:51
thing. If you think that way, you're
25:54
luckiest person in life. You are the person that
25:56
everybody else will really be jealous of at the end because
25:58
you're functioning on your own and you function with your own
26:01
existence. So I believe these two keys are
26:04
the keys for a person to realize Medot is your #1 task in life.
26:09
Maybe you saw Salon to say he's the father of Musab movement.
26:13
I'm close to this. He said I could finish the whole
26:16
shots faster than I can change 1 character tree, right?
26:21
That's not a joke. Holy shots not only takes to
26:24
finish the whole shots. For this rabbi talking about
26:26
probably 20 year process, I can finish the whole shots fast that
26:30
I can develop and change 1 character tree.
26:32
If you realize that and you realize, but yet still that's
26:34
more important than you realize. Every single situation in life
26:39
is a school book and education to develop and to become a
26:42
better person. We'll stop with this.