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How Do You Talk About Money Without Fighting? · Rock My Finances

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  Speaker 1: Investment advisory and financial planning services are offered through Simplicity
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  Speaker 1: be specific financial guidance.
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  Speaker 2: Before you make.
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  Speaker 1: Any decisions regarding your personal financial situation, you should consult
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  Speaker 1: a financial or tax professional to discuss your individual circumstances
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  Speaker 1: and objective.
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  Speaker 3: Welcome to the Rock My Finances show on k FORHD
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  Speaker 3: Radio and Talk for TV, where we put the fund
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  Speaker 3: in finance joint powerhouse Jeffer josp CDFA CMC and Private
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  Speaker 3: Wealth Advisor as she collaborates with you to create clarity,
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  Speaker 3: control and companies with your money, your way. It's not
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  Speaker 3: about the zeros, So what is it all about? Let's
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  Speaker 3: find out. Now Here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jose.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, y'all, welcome back to another wonderful episode of Rock
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  Speaker 2: My Finances. Today, we are going to talk about something
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  Speaker 2: that I promise you you have experienced before, and if
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  Speaker 2: you haven't, you will. This happens to one hundred percent
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  Speaker 2: of us out there. How do we talk about money
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  Speaker 2: without fighting? It could have been even in teenagehood, right
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  Speaker 2: fighting with our parents around money. I remember, you know,
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  Speaker 2: wanting the label jeans was it jordasked jeans or whatever?
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  Speaker 2: And my mom was not a label shopper. I am
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  Speaker 2: not now either, but at the time I wanted to
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  Speaker 2: be a cool kid, and so it could be that fighting.
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  Speaker 2: It could be any type of fighting. You have a
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  Speaker 2: business partner, obviously, spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever it might be.
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  Speaker 2: How do we have money relationships without arguing? So it's
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  Speaker 2: one of the biggest sources of stress in a relationship,
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  Speaker 2: but it doesn't have to lead to an actual argument.
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  Speaker 2: So we want to be able to have healthy conversations
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  Speaker 2: and understand different money personalities, and we want to be
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  Speaker 2: able to avoid communication pitfalls, you know. So we're going
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  Speaker 2: to dive into all that today. Have you ever noticed
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  Speaker 2: that the simple conversation, like you could just be talking
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  Speaker 2: about something so very simple and it turns into a
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  Speaker 2: huge argument within just like a couple of minutes. So
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  Speaker 2: maybe one person wants to save more, one person wants
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  Speaker 2: to spend more. Maybe one person avoids talking about money altogether.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe one person might even be spending without sharing and
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  Speaker 2: so you find out about it later. Or you might say,
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  Speaker 2: you might get a text and now says, hey, what's
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  Speaker 2: this charge on this charge card right now? And you're like, hey,
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  Speaker 2: I just did that twenty minutes ago. Right. It might
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  Speaker 2: even feel like there's one person that cares about the
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  Speaker 2: money and the other person doesn't, and so either side
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  Speaker 2: of that can feel very uncomfortable. The truth is here
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  Speaker 2: is the truth. It is not about actually money. We
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  Speaker 2: are not literally fighting over dollars. This is a really
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  Speaker 2: big thing. I want you to get this. I had
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  Speaker 2: a client who was in her fifties. It took her
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  Speaker 2: a few sessions with me and she finally got it
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  Speaker 2: and changed her entire marriage. So I want you to
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  Speaker 2: hear me here. If you're taking notes, write this down.
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  Speaker 2: You got your money journal out. If you have your
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  Speaker 2: money journal out, that's great. I want you to get
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  Speaker 2: your pen and paper out and write this down. The
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  Speaker 2: truth about fighting around money is it's not about the zeros.
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  Speaker 2: It's not about the money. It is drum roll. It
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  Speaker 2: is what money rep resents to each person. So what
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  Speaker 2: money represents to me will be very different than what
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  Speaker 2: money represents to you. It could be security, it could
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  Speaker 2: just be freedom. It could be control, it could be fear,
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  Speaker 2: it could be just trust. And sometimes money represents love.
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  Speaker 2: Because no one teaches us how to have these conversations,
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  Speaker 2: we often repeat patterns that we learned growing up. Again.
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  Speaker 2: I know, I always go back to our childhood. I know,
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  Speaker 2: hey dad, Hey mom, what's up? I just went and
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  Speaker 2: visited my mom today. Okay, so I'm going to share
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  Speaker 2: some practice ways to talk about money without fighting, whether
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  Speaker 2: you're married, dating, divorce, widowed, blending finances with a new partner,
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  Speaker 2: having children, growing up with it, talking to your older parents,
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  Speaker 2: your younger parents. We're just going to dive right in. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: So number one, Part one, money is rarely about money.
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  Speaker 2: It's not about the zeros. It's the biggest breakthrough that
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  Speaker 2: you can possibly have. A lot of my clients finally
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  Speaker 2: see this and it changes it. Think about it when
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  Speaker 2: two people can look at the exact same bank account,
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  Speaker 2: have the exact same financial plan and see it completely
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  Speaker 2: two different ways. One person might be completely totally relaxed
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  Speaker 2: and all ready to go and move forward. The other
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  Speaker 2: one might be still scared to death about it. One
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  Speaker 2: person could see, hey, we're doing great. The other one's like,
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  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, we're going to be eating cat food
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  Speaker 2: and retirement. Same numbers, same life, just a different story
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  Speaker 2: in the background. Okay, so why does this happen? We
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  Speaker 2: all have a money story, yes we do. Maybe you
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  Speaker 2: grew up in household where money was scarce. Maybe your
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  Speaker 2: parents bought about money. Maybe it was just you grew
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  Speaker 2: up in a single mom household like my kids did,
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  Speaker 2: and there was maybe stress around money every time you
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  Speaker 2: had to ask for a big like a big dollar
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  Speaker 2: amount for something. Maybe there was just consistent stress around bills.
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  Speaker 2: And maybe there's one person that overspent a lot and
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  Speaker 2: the other one controlled the money completely, like penny pinching
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  Speaker 2: dying for dying. Maybe there's plenty of money and we
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  Speaker 2: never even talked about it. You don't even know money
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  Speaker 2: was an issue until you started having to do it
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  Speaker 2: on your own. You're completely uneducated about it. But before
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  Speaker 2: you can have a productive conversation, you have to recognize
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  Speaker 2: that your partner's money believes are very different than your
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  Speaker 2: money beliefs, so you have different money beliefs neither person.
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  Speaker 2: Here you go another drum roll. Write this down. No
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  Speaker 2: one's right and no one's wrong. Get that like, no
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  Speaker 2: one's right and no one's wrong. You cannot just like
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  Speaker 2: we always say, you cannot tell me how to feel,
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  Speaker 2: and you cannot tell me my feelings are wrong. We've
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  Speaker 2: got to remember that simply, we're operating from different experiences.
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  Speaker 2: And that's it. So here's your number one exercise. I'm
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  Speaker 2: calling it your Diamond life reflection exercise. So Diamond life.
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  Speaker 2: If you hear other episodes, what is diamond life all about?
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  Speaker 2: My children who passed away, their burst owe was diamond,
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  Speaker 2: so I named everything after diamond life. To experience the
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  Speaker 2: diamond life means you have a good life of joy, freedom,
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  Speaker 2: just total bliss and if you're not there, you know
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  Speaker 2: you're on the path to get there. And I want
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  Speaker 2: you all to just have abundance of bliss and joy
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  Speaker 2: and wealth in your diamond life. So your Diamond Life
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  Speaker 2: reflection exercise, take a piece of paper and write these
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  Speaker 2: answers down to these questions. Number one, what is your
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  Speaker 2: earliest memory about money? Number one? What is your earliest
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  Speaker 2: memory involving money? Number two? Did the adults argue about
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  Speaker 2: money in your household? Growing up? Did the adults argue
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  Speaker 2: about money? Number three? Was money discussed openly or was
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  Speaker 2: it kept a secret? Was money discussed openly or kept
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  Speaker 2: a secret? And number four did you hear phrases like
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  Speaker 2: money doesn't grow in trees? Rich people are greedy? We
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  Speaker 2: can't afford that you have to work hard for every
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  Speaker 2: single penny? Right? Did you hear those phrases like money
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  Speaker 2: doesn't grow on trees? Rich people are greedy? You know,
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  Speaker 2: just all those terrible things? And number five, what emotions
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  Speaker 2: did money create in your home growing up? So? What
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  Speaker 2: kind of emotions can you remember when you're thinking about
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  Speaker 2: money growing up? Now ask yourself, am I reacting to
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  Speaker 2: a current financial situation? Or am I reacting to a
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  Speaker 2: story that I have learned as a child. This is
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  Speaker 2: your first step to understanding. Well, bah, mom, So this
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  Speaker 2: is your homework, and this is where the change begins,
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  Speaker 2: because now you say, okay, wait, that's like mine was
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  Speaker 2: work hard to make money. So I worked hard in
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  Speaker 2: my early careers and you know, up until fifties, I
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  Speaker 2: worked hard seventies a week, like always working. And then
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  Speaker 2: I realized that these millennials coming up aren't working as
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  Speaker 2: hard as I am, and they're just as successful. And
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  Speaker 2: it's like, okay, what's going on. I don't have to
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  Speaker 2: work as hard like I had it like a badge
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  Speaker 2: of honor because that's just the way it was. Well,
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  Speaker 2: it's not actual truth now, like we need a work
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  Speaker 2: life balance, right, So I had to reswitch that, and
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  Speaker 2: it's like, Okay, that is not my current adult belief Now. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: do I put everything my heart and soul, honesty, integrity
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  Speaker 2: and value and everything and give my clients everything plus? Absolutely?
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  Speaker 2: That is me and that makes me feel really good.
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  Speaker 2: Do I take Sundays off? Absolutely? Do I leave and
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  Speaker 2: go play pick a ball for a couple hours? Absolutely?
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  Speaker 2: So I had to retrain my old thoughts into my
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  Speaker 2: new beliefs. Okay, Part number two, understanding the different money personalities.
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  Speaker 2: The one recent couple struggle is because of the approach
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  Speaker 2: money differently. So let's talk about a few common personalities.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure there's much more, but we're just going to
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  Speaker 2: hit some highlights. The saver, of course, right, they feel
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  Speaker 2: secure when the money's in the bank. They like planning,
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  Speaker 2: they like emergency funds. They like knowing what's coming next,
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  Speaker 2: and they want to know exactly what's happening. And their
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  Speaker 2: biggest fear is running out of money. And that could
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  Speaker 2: be no matter if you have fifty thousand of the bank,
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  Speaker 2: a million in the bank, five million, doesn't matter. They
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  Speaker 2: still have the fear of running out of money. That's
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  Speaker 2: the saver the spender. The spender enjoys experiences, making memories.
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  Speaker 2: They see money as a tool to improve life. Only
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  Speaker 2: it's not security for them. It's just a tool to
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  Speaker 2: prove life. Their biggest fear isn't running out of money,
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  Speaker 2: it's actually missing out on life. And life's too short,
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  Speaker 2: they might say. The avoid. The avoid doesn't want to
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  Speaker 2: deal with the money at all. Like all of the
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  Speaker 2: ostriche right. The bills create stress, budgets create stress. Conversations. Oh,
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  Speaker 2: they just can't stand it. So their strategy might be,
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  Speaker 2: if I don't look at it, maybe it'll just go
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  Speaker 2: away and never show up. The controller, the controller likes certainty.
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  Speaker 2: They may monitor every single transaction. How many times do
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  Speaker 2: they pick up their phone and look at the bank account.
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  Speaker 2: They may feel very anxious and they don't even know
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  Speaker 2: where the dollar's coming from, or even if they have
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  Speaker 2: lots of money, it doesn't matter. If they're controlling. They
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  Speaker 2: want to see everything that's happening. They're understanding. Now, we
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  Speaker 2: need to understand these differences right and create compassion around it.
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  Speaker 2: When the controller is out of control, they have huge anxiety.
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  Speaker 2: They have huge anxiety. They may even have anger. They
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  Speaker 2: could fly up into depression and anger, and they don't
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  Speaker 2: even realize it half the time. They just know that
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  Speaker 2: they're feeling out of control, like the boat is sinking.
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  Speaker 2: So the goal isn't to change someone's personality. The goal
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  Speaker 2: is to just understand it. So here is your diamond
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  Speaker 2: life reflection exercise on this part which personality most sounds
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  Speaker 2: like you? Are you a saver, spender, a void or controller?
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  Speaker 2: Save or spender a void or controller? Then ask what
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  Speaker 2: are the strengths about my money personality? And of course
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  Speaker 2: what are the weaknesses about my money personality? And then
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  Speaker 2: what might my partner see differently than I do? So
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  Speaker 2: you might even want to have this conversation with them,
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  Speaker 2: like are they the saver or they spend? Or a
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  Speaker 2: void or a controller? They might think something different than
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  Speaker 2: you think so it's really kind of cool to have
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  Speaker 2: the same terminology to have conversations together. I swear, as
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  Speaker 2: a financial advisor, I save marriages. I say that all
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  Speaker 2: the time because once I put a language to money
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  Speaker 2: that you both can use, you can talk about it
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  Speaker 2: much clear, with less sarcasm, with less anger, and we
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  Speaker 2: can actually all get our goals accomplished and our feelings felt,
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  Speaker 2: and are we feel part value in the conversation. So
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  Speaker 2: we need to create our own language around money. I
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  Speaker 2: think I'll do a podcast on that. Oh okay, good idea.
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  Speaker 2: So most conflicts arise when we assume that I'm right,
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  Speaker 2: you're wrong. So again take that out. You cannot be right,
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  Speaker 2: you cannot be wrong. That's just the way it is.
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  Speaker 2: So instead of trying to change your person's personality or
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  Speaker 2: their ways, let's just understand. Let's talk to understand and
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  Speaker 2: listen to understand. Okay, Part three. Some of the biggest
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  Speaker 2: communications mistakes. Okay, so let's talk about what not to do.
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  Speaker 2: Number one bringing it up at the wrong time. This
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  Speaker 2: is hard sometimes, but we want to, you know, make
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  Speaker 2: sure that we respect our partners downtime, be hurried. This
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  Speaker 2: is probably I'm the worst. I still do this to
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  Speaker 2: my kids right now. Nothing good happens when one person
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  Speaker 2: says we need to talk about money, like ooh yeah,
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  Speaker 2: who wants to do that ten o'clock at night and
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  Speaker 2: go in to bed after a really long day when
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  Speaker 2: everyone's exhausted, when you come home and you're starving, when
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  Speaker 2: you want to come in for a date night and
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  Speaker 2: have a good old time, and someone says, let's talk
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  Speaker 2: about money, right, we need to choose a neutral time. Now.
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  Speaker 2: This is why I always have you put a money
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  Speaker 2: date on the calendar, so that everybody knows Friday seven
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  Speaker 2: pm is going to be our money date, or four
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  Speaker 2: o'clock on Sunday it's going to be our money date.
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  Speaker 2: And if you're really contentious, well of course hire a
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  Speaker 2: money coach. I know a really good one. Just saying
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  Speaker 2: and you want to know that that's going to happen,
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  Speaker 2: so that you can schedule downtime after schedule all walk schedule,
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  Speaker 2: go to the gym, schedule whatever you need to schedule.
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  Speaker 2: If you know this is going to be contingents conversation,
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  Speaker 2: like we want to set these things up ahead of time.
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  Speaker 2: Number two, using blank statements like you always do this.
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  Speaker 2: You never say you don't even understand money. You're so stupid.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, it could get really bad, right, So it
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  Speaker 2: instantly puts somebody on the defensive. So here's what we learned,
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  Speaker 2: like a million years ago. I messages, Yes, I know,
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  Speaker 2: I feel out of control when I don't know when
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  Speaker 2: you're planning on spending big dollar amounts. I feel out
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  Speaker 2: of control when you just go and make a decision
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  Speaker 2: by yourself, right. I feel very anxious when we don't
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  Speaker 2: have enough money in the bank. It might be anything,
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  Speaker 2: but just keep it to eye messages. Because if you
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  Speaker 2: really do love your partner and they're not attacking you,
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  Speaker 2: and somebody came to you and said, I just feel
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  Speaker 2: so anxious when you overspend on Amazon, and I see
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  Speaker 2: these packages on the front porch every day. My stomach thinks,
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  Speaker 2: my heart thinks, and I don't know how to stop it,
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  Speaker 2: and I feel complete the out of control. Doesn't that
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  Speaker 2: sound better than you spend so much money on Amazon,
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  Speaker 2: which is absolutely ridiculous. There's no reason for all these
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  Speaker 2: packages to be here, YadA, YadA, YadA. Right, very different.
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  Speaker 2: So the moment someone feels attacked, they stop listening. Boom done,
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  Speaker 2: they're not listening. So your words are going nowhere but
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  Speaker 2: in the negative bank that you are just taken away
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  Speaker 2: from all that good dooju that they have. So please
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  Speaker 2: do everything you possibly can to not attack. And if
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  Speaker 2: you have a problem with that, hire a money coach.
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  Speaker 2: Let me tell you. I will help you get that
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  Speaker 2: communication together. Okay. The third mistake people make is keeping score.
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  Speaker 2: I spent this, Do you spent that? I spent this.
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  Speaker 2: We're not trying to win, right. The fourth mistake is
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  Speaker 2: avoiding the conversation altogether. There's always somebody that says, oh,
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  Speaker 2: I can't do it today, I can't do it tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: I need to do it next week, and they're always
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  Speaker 2: changing the date or getting busy or whatever. Silence is
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  Speaker 2: not a strategy, y'all. Avoiding the money conversation does not
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  Speaker 2: reduce stress. It adds to stress, especially if you have
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  Speaker 2: somebody on the other end that needs to talk about it. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: So here is your diamond life reflection exercise. Think about
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  Speaker 2: your last money disagreement. Ask yourself, did I become defensive
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  Speaker 2: or did I blame? Did I avoid the conversation, did
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  Speaker 2: I criticize? Did I shut down? Did I you you? You? You?
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  Speaker 2: And point that finger now ask how was I feeling
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  Speaker 2: during that whole conversation? Did I feel fear? Did I
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  Speaker 2: feel shame? Was I just embarrassed? Did I feel rejected
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  Speaker 2: like my words weren't heard and I wasn't valued? And
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  Speaker 2: did I just feel completely out of control? Look at
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  Speaker 2: your behavior in the last conversation. This takes emotional intelligent
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  Speaker 2: y'all to slow down, take a breath, look back at
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  Speaker 2: the last fight, and go Okay, take a big deep breath.
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  Speaker 2: How did I do? How could I do better? Can
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  Speaker 2: I show up better? Now? This isn't just for your partner.
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  Speaker 2: This is for you because don't forget the third entity
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  Speaker 2: in all of this is your relationship with money. So
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  Speaker 2: your relationship with money is going to appreciate this, regardless
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  Speaker 2: if your partner does or not. You have to respect
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  Speaker 2: your money. So we want to do this no matter what.
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  Speaker 2: Money arguments are emotional conversations disguised at financial conversation. So
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  Speaker 2: I promise you these are your little kids talking about
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  Speaker 2: money when they don't even know how to do it. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: our last part here, part four, better way to talk
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  Speaker 2: about money simple with curiosity instead of why did you
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  Speaker 2: spend that? Try help me understand what was important to
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  Speaker 2: you about that purchase. Instead of saying you're wrong, try hey,
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  Speaker 2: tell me more about how you're looking at this or
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  Speaker 2: my brutal favorite. How does this make you feel when
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  Speaker 2: you shop at home goods and fill up your car? Right,
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  Speaker 2: curiosity lowers defenses. People become more willing to talk about
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  Speaker 2: it when they don't feel judged. So here's your diamond
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: life reflection exercise. The next time you have money conversation,
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  Speaker 2: replace judgment with curiosity. Judgment with curiosity. Practice these questions
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  Speaker 2: help me understand your thinking. What concerns you most about this?
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  Speaker 2: What outcomes are you hoping for? How does financial security
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  Speaker 2: or what does financial security mean to you? I mean,
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: even in the conversation when somebody says, you know, it
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: makes me really nervous not to have that emergency fund.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: It's very simple. So what does that emergency fund mean
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: to you? How does that feel? What does that stay
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: to you? When we have the emergency fund? Like get
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: to know your partner's money, and just these questions mark
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: it in each other. Right, practice how different the conversation
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: can feel when no one's actually trying to win. So
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: set up your monthly money date so that you can
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: do this set aside thirty to sixty minutes, Grab a
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: cup of coffee, bottle line, a nice cocktail, whatever you want,
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: Sit on on the patio on a nice cozy couch,
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: and review your upcoming expenses, your saving goals, your travel plans,
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: major purchases, progress towards the goals. But above all, how
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: are you feeling about it? Do you know each other's personalities,
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: your financial personality, money story, Do you know that with
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: each other? We want to make sure that we're not
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: coming with criticism, that we're really coming with teamwork. We
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: want to make sure that what's working, like talk about
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: what's working with our money dates and what's stressing us out,
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: like what are our goals? You might be carrying stress
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: so well. Your partner might not have any idea that
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: your stressed could be your business partner, could be your
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: home partner, could be your family unit, could be your children,
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: It could be anybody. But nobody knows what's going on
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: with you unless you use the words and share with
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: them that that's really stressing you out. And stress creates
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: what with you right like stress creates need to be
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: agitated and bitchy, like I can literally just snap when
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: I'm stressed or I just start crying for no reason.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: Appropriate either, Right, So what do we need to improve?
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about that. Talk about that on our monthly
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: money date. Now. I want you each to have a
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: weekly money date on your own and then you can
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: come together as a team for your monthly money dates. Remember,
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: our goal is connection, not correction. I am not here
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: to correct you here. I am as a financial advisor.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: Of course I can tell you all this. It doesn't
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: matter if you have a completely different money personality with
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: completely different beliefs. MY way is not going to be
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: your way. So we have to come together communication connection
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: so that we can create our goals and plans together.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: And that feels so good. That feels really, really really good.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: I always tell people you're going to have more sex
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: and more money if you hire me. Just say it, okay.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: I hope you enjoyed this episode of Rock My Finances.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: I want you all to be able to have your
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: money dates, talk about money in a connection way, and
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: be able to walk away and say I rock my Finances.
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: We appreciate you joining us today, and don't forget to
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: subscribe to the rock my Finances YouTube channel for more
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: engagement and bonus content. Tell me, what is your money story.
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: Let's find out what Jennifer right here on K FOURHD
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: Radio and Talk for TV. It's not about the zero,
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: It's about the F word. Feelings, feelings. Jennifer can't wait
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: to explore with you next week. Until then, let's all
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: say I rock my finances.