Latest / The Mami Collective / How to Build Your Second Village: Finding Support for Your Goals
Transcript
- Second Village Edited: Did you know eggs and sperm are especially vulnerable to aging? Onto Health is a physician-led fertility and women's health practice founded by internationally recognized fertility specialist Dr. Ruhi Jilani. From planning ahead to growing your family or navigating treatment, Ontu combines fertility, longevity, and whole body health to provide proactive, personalized care on your timeline. Appointments are available virtually or at Ontu Clinics in Chicago and Denver. Mommy Collective listeners can continue their fertility journey at ontu.help. Welcome to the Mommy Collective. I'm Paulina Rowe, radio host, TV contributor, writer, and mom of one. This is where ambitious moms come to keep their identity intact while navigating motherhood. Here we talk about the real stuff: career, money, relationships, identity, and everything. Everything that gets messy in between. You won't find sugarcoating or cliches. What you will find are unfiltered conversations, real resources, and proof that you don't have to lose yourself to be a good mom. The mommy collective is here to remind you you can be ambitious, you can take up space, and you can thrive in motherhood and in everything else that makes you you. Before we get into the episode, make sure you're following the mommy collective on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram. And share this podcast with a mommy in your life who needs a little Inspiration or just a reminder that she's killing it. Also, don't forget to sign up for our newsletter and leave us a review so we can keep showing up and reach every ambitious mom out there doing big things. Let's get into it. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Mommy Collective podcast. It is Paulina, and I am just so happy and grateful that you are here with me for another moment in time, another pod, another Just another everything. And I want to bring you into this idea that I'm still working through. And I would love to hear what you think because your experiences will help me understand it so much better. It's something that I am going to be working on in 2027. I am so excited to get started on this. And it basically just sums up the mommy collective in a bow, in my opinion, you know. So We're gonna talk about how it takes a village to raise a child, right? Yes, absolutely. We know this. So we need help with pickup. We need somebody who can step in when the schedules fall apart. And we need somebody who understands why getting my two-year-old out of the house can feel like a complete shit show before the day gets started. So here's the question though that I keep coming back to, and I can't stop thinking about it, right? Who is helping the mom grow? Who's helping you grow? Who knows what she wants for herself, right? Who knows that she's been thinking about changing careers or there's like a business idea that maybe you keep coming back to? And it's about asking you something other than like, how's everybody doing? How's the kids? How's this? How's that? Because I think that a mom can really have support raising her kids. And I know that's another conversation because the village ain't villaging like it used to, so I'm told. I can agree, I could see that. But it still feels completely alone, right? When it comes to building your own future. You just feel maybe stuck alone. Like, where's my support system? I don't know. That's just like a thought that I've been having. And I've been calling that missing kind of support. The second village. And before anybody gets too overwhelmed, I'm not telling you to go recruit 12 more people, right? I'm not telling you any of that. We have more than enough group chats. Some of us already kind of mute them for our own well-being, our own mental health. So I'm not saying that. But the second village is the name that I'm giving to the relationships that support a mom's growth, identity, ambitions, right? So growth, identity, ambitions. And the people who care about what you think, right? About what you want, and they'll help you take that step towards it. Do you get me? And those people can absolutely be a part of the village that's helping out with your kids. Like your sister might love your child, right? And and then she might help you think through a career decision. Maybe a mom that you met at the school that your kid goes to might be someone you Could build a business alongside with, right? That same relationship can make room for both. What I'm trying to name is that your future deserves attention too. that I'm moving through grief right now. So if you follow me on social, if you listen to the Fred Show on iHeartRadio, then you know that I just lost my mom recently and I miss my mom so much. I'm also raising my daughter, she's two years old. Doing work that I care about. I do radio here, you know, every morning, Monday through Friday. I am up at the ass crack of dawn. I am building the mommy collective. I am putting in so much work behind the scenes because I truly care about this and I care about you all. And I'm thinking about the life that I want to continue to build, right? There's a lot happening at once. And that is no secret to nobody. I love being Gigi's mom, right? I care so much about my family and I care about my work. And those things are all very true for me. And I want support that really makes room for this whole picture. So let's think about it this way, right? Number one, who knows what you want? Let me ask you something, right? If I called one of the people closest to you right now and asked, what is she excited for right now? What is she excited about for herself right now? Would they know? Like I'm dead serious. Would they know? Maybe you hadn't said it out loud because it maybe feels a little too early. Maybe you've mentioned it before and the conversation moved on. It was just quick. Maybe you've spent so long making the day work that you haven't had much time to think about what you want. And that last one matters. Sometimes what do you want, right? Is a surprisingly really hard question when you've been answering what needs to get done all damn day long. Just all day long. You can say, I think I want to do something different, right? I think I want to do something a little different. I don't know what that is yet, but that gives someone a place to meet you. So maybe you're good at your job and you want more responsibility. Maybe you want less responsibility because the job you worked so hard for doesn't fit your life anymore. Maybe you want to go back to school. Maybe you want a creative outlet that nobody needs, you know, you to turn into a side hustle. You are allowed to take a class and remain a person just taking a class. We don't need a launch strategy for every single hobby. When I say ambition, too, I want there to be room for your definition of it. I care about building things, and that's a big part of who I am. But what matters to you might look different and it might change over time. So the question is whether you have anyone that you can explore that kind of with, right? Someone who can listen. without deciding what you should do, someone who remembers that conversation afterward, just someone that truly remembers. Because there's something meaningful about a person asking, Hey, what happened with that thing you were telling me about? Right? Your idea stayed with them after you left the room. And I want to understand how we build more relationships just like that. So number two, what does support look like? So through the mommy collective here, I just spent a lot of time thinking about how to bring women together around motherhood and things that they do want for themselves. So we have conversations all the time, whether it's about work, money, identity, opportunities. That is work that I care about a lot. So it makes me think about what happens after we meet. You can have a great conversation at one of our dinners, right? You follow each other, exchange numbers, and say we should get together, we should talk, get coffee. Then everyone does go home to their actual lives and the inbox is still there. Somebody needs a dinner, the kid is half asleep, but suddenly wakes up when you get home. So I understand that. And how does that connection though become something that you can return to? I don't think that every person you meet needs to be a close friend. Maybe it's an unpopular opinion, but I don't. Sometimes one useful conversation is truly enough. But when there's connection that you want to Deepen, what helps it grow beyond? It's so nice to meet you. Imagine you tell someone you're interested in a different field. you want to completely switch. But she knows a person who works in it. And then she asks whether you'd like an introduction. So think about that. Now you have a way to learn about a move you've only been thinking about, right? Or even sitting on an application because you don't. No, how did you describe your experience? Right. A friend offers to read one paragraph with you. Twenty minutes later, you have language that you can use, and the application feels possible instead of impossible. Or someone says, I can watch your daughter while you take that meeting. And that's why these villages overlap. Sometimes the support for your future is literally somebody making it possible for you to leave your house. And I know that's been me for a couple of times with my best friends. Encouragement can feel really good and practical. Help can give you somewhere to go with it. I'm also thinking about the person who will give you honest feedback, right? If you're about to commit to something that takes a huge amount of time, you might need someone who asks, how is this gonna fit? What help will you need? That kind of question can be really supportive and it does help you make a plan, right? That is a chance of working in your real life too. And sometimes you need company while you figure something out too. A person who's working towards something of her own who understands maybe why you're excited, why you're scared. You can check in without either of you having all the answers. And it's okay. My next one here is making the ask. Of course, somebody has to, they gotta know what kind of help would be useful. And this is where it gets awkward. Let me know if you need anything, right? I know we hear that all Time, all the time. It's a lovely, lovely thing to hear. And it could also leave you thinking though, a little bit, right? Okay, but what exactly am I allowed or supposed to ask for? So would reading my resume be too much? Is an introduction weird? Am I supposed to say I'm fine and keep it moving? That's what I do. But I think a specific ask can make that conversation easier for both people. You made a career change while your kids were little. Would you have 15 minutes to tell me how you approached it? Boom. Just like that. Or you mentioned somebody who used to work in that field. Would you be comfortable introducing us? No problem at all if you aren't. See how easy that was? Or even can I talk this through with you? I don't need you to solve it. I just need to hear myself say it out loud. There you go. Now that person knows what you're asking for and can give you an honest answer. And an honest answer might be no. And that's just very true. It might be I can't this week, or I'm probably not gonna be the best person for that. But that can be very disappointing. But it doesn't automatically mean the relationship doesn't matter or that you were wrong to ask that question. So I want us to have room to ask, and I want the people to ask to have the room to answer honestly. So the ones that you ask, I want them to have that. Both things matter if we're trying to build relationships that truly last. There is a responsibility on the other side though too. Okay. Follow through matters. I'll say it again. Follow through matters. Saying I can read this on Thursday, I can do that. That does give somebody help that they can plan around, right? And for the person receiving help, there's a small thing I think we can do a lot more of, right? And that's closing the loop. I took the meeting. Thank you for introducing us. That's so easy to say, right? When you close the loop. It didn't work out, but I'm so glad that I tried. You let someone know what happened. you're giving them that. And that gives the relationship a next conversation. You're building a little history together. And I love that for you. The next one is the part that needs a little more thought. So now I can hear someone listening and thinking, Paulina, a second village. I would love to find the first one. Girl, yes, I hear you. But if you don't have reliable childcare, if money is tight, if your schedule changes every week, another coffee meeting might be completely unrealistic. Let's be real. You can want support for your goals and have no idea when you would find the time to build those relationships. A useful introduction doesn't make childcare affordable. It just doesn't. A supporter friend can't always fix an unpredictable work schedule. We need to be honest about the practical conditions that make it easier or harder to act on an opportunity. I don't want building a village to become an another thing that you feel behind on. That's the last thing that I want for you. I'm gonna be so honest. Where you're thinking, Great, now I need to become better at finding help while I have no help and then I need help. That sounds yeah, that sounds frustrating. We're not doing that. So part of what I'm trying to figure out is how. Support gets easier to access. Sometimes that might be a voice note instead of getting together. Easy. A question in a conversation you're already having, an introduction somebody else offers because they paid attention to what you said. Right. I also think we need to talk about what happens when you can't give much back right away. Reciprocity, it matters, okay? We want relationships where both people matter and they care about each other. But there will be seasons when one person has more to give. And if somebody is going through a really hard time, I don't want her calculating whether she's earned enough credits to ask for support. I truly don't. When you do have something to offer, it doesn't have to be impressive. You might know the answer to a question that has somebody else stuck. You might remember to check in with somebody. You may be able to share an opportunity with the person that it actually fits. You also get to have boundaries. Supporting another woman doesn't mean agreeing to every request. It doesn't mean becoming an unpaid member of everyone's team. Sometimes somebody can be generous and still say, I can give you a little feedback, but I just can't take on that project. That feels like an important part of this idea to me because how do we help each other in ways that we can sustain? let's be real. How do we notice when one person is always giving and nobody is asking what she needs? So I do want to end with this, okay? Start with just one. Conversation. Here's where I would start. If this is bringing something up for you, think about one thing that you want for yourself. Give yourself a little time if an answer doesn't come immediately to you. Then think about what would actually help you take the next step. Do we need information? Do we need someone to listen? Is there a practical responsibility you need to keep covering before you can try to do anything else? Try to get specific, right? I need support. It can describe a lot. I need an hour to finish this application. That gives you something you can talk through with another person. And consider who's already in your life. A friend might know you as a mom and have no idea you've been thinking about a different career. A former co-worker might be glad to hear from you. Somebody you've met through a community like Mommy Collective might remember that you were interested in the same thing. And if no one comes to mind, That tells us something about the kind of access and connection that you need. That's just my opinion, but it's true. It doesn't tell us anything bad about you. For me, the question also comes back to my daughter, Gigi. I want her to know me as her mom. And I want her to get to know what interests me, what I care about, why certain work matters to me. I want there to be room in our life for both of us to grow. And I want to be able to tell her that people helped me, that I asked questions, that I learned from somebody, that I had support when I tried something new. I don't need her to think that I did everything by myself. So that's this idea that I'm sitting with. The second village, right? The relationships that a mother pursues for her future that includes her own hopes and interests. Make this about you. I want to hear what that brings up for you. Before you go, come back to that first question that I told you. What do you want for yourself right now? And who knows about it? If you have the room, let that be the beginning of a conversation that you have this week. Thank you for thinking this through with me. I am so excited for this project in 2027. I want what we're building here to be useful in your actual life every day. So love you, mean it, and I'll talk to you next time. Angel Zaber, the real estate angel, believes your home is more than four walls. It's your safety, your memories, your goals, and the beginning of your next chapter with a people first approach. Rooted in relationships and trust, Angel helps clients navigate life's biggest transitions with confidence. Ready to make your next move, whether you're buying, selling, investing, or just planning for the future. Connect with the Real Estate Angel today at realestateangel.com.