Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #470 Family Meetings

Transcript

#470 Family Meetings · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, we are pretty hardcore on only thinking one or
0:13
Speaker 2: two things maximum that we're going to work on this week.
0:16
Speaker 2: Too many things to work on is overwhelming and we
0:19
Speaker 2: make no progress.
0:20
Speaker 3: And now here's the stars of our show.
0:23
Speaker 2: My mum and dad. Hey, Kylie, We've had an email
0:25
Speaker 2: come through two podcasts at happy families dot com dot
0:29
Speaker 2: au asking about the whole family meeting thing that we
0:32
Speaker 2: talk about a lot. My name is Justin by the way,
0:35
Speaker 2: Justin Colson have written a bunch of books about raising
0:37
Speaker 2: happy families, and you, Kylie, are my wife and mum
0:40
Speaker 2: to our six kids. Every now and again we talk
0:42
Speaker 2: about how we coordinate stuff as a family. We've kind
0:45
Speaker 2: of got this thing where we talk to the kids
0:47
Speaker 2: pretty regularly, we talk to one another pretty regularly, and
0:50
Speaker 2: we even go away every now and again. And listener
0:52
Speaker 2: has emailed us and said, what's the deal with the meetings?
0:54
Speaker 2: We want to be more organized, we want to be
0:56
Speaker 2: more on the same page. What are you doing? So
0:59
Speaker 2: we have three meetings and I thought we should kind
1:01
Speaker 2: of talk about it, and I hope it doesn't sound
1:03
Speaker 2: overwhelming to people, because while I've been jotting down all
1:06
Speaker 2: the stuff we do, it's kind of like a weird,
1:08
Speaker 2: a bit over the top on this. I don't think
1:09
Speaker 2: we are, but it could feel like it if somebody
1:12
Speaker 2: doesn't do this sort of stuff.
1:15
Speaker 3: I think when you're first starting out, the idea of
1:16
Speaker 3: having three different kinds of meetings would be really really overwhelming.
1:20
Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Oh, and I didn't think about the meeting that we
1:21
Speaker 2: have about having the meetings.
1:24
Speaker 3: But over time we didn't start with three meetings. We
1:29
Speaker 3: only started with one, and over time we recognized that
1:32
Speaker 3: we needed to include the children in the process.
1:35
Speaker 2: Duragor. We used to call it the meeting that we
1:38
Speaker 2: just had before we had.
1:39
Speaker 1: Kids, our weekly couple's infantry.
1:42
Speaker 2: We called it a well, it was short shortened to WCI. Hey,
1:46
Speaker 2: we need to have our WCI. How do we come
1:48
Speaker 2: up with that?
1:49
Speaker 1: Well? That was all you're doing?
1:50
Speaker 2: It kind of was actually yes, because.
1:53
Speaker 3: The background, a little bit of background. I grew up
1:55
Speaker 3: with family meetings. We called them family counsels when I
1:58
Speaker 3: was growing up, and fortunately my family wasn't too good
2:01
Speaker 3: with communication, and so we would end up all bearing
2:04
Speaker 3: our grievances about the week or the month or whatever
2:07
Speaker 3: was happening the big family fight, and before you knew it,
2:10
Speaker 3: everybody was upset or angry at someone and it was
2:14
Speaker 3: just disastrous and there wasn't really a lot of positive
2:16
Speaker 3: that came out of it.
2:18
Speaker 1: So when you and I got married, we had this
2:19
Speaker 1: beautiful relationship.
2:20
Speaker 3: We really had an argument, if a disagreement.
2:24
Speaker 2: I think we had one disagreement in our first year
2:26
Speaker 2: of marriage. It was just bliss. And when that happened,
2:28
Speaker 2: We're like, what's going on?
2:30
Speaker 1: Oh no?
2:31
Speaker 3: But then we started having these weekly meetings, and all
2:34
Speaker 3: of a sudden, every time we would sit down, I
2:37
Speaker 3: would end up fighting with you. Yeah, and you would
2:39
Speaker 3: look at me like, where has this come from?
2:42
Speaker 2: We're just talking about what we could do this week, honey, Like,
2:45
Speaker 2: let's just go through the calendary. We don't have to
2:46
Speaker 2: get cranky at me.
2:48
Speaker 3: And if you haven't worked out. Justin is definitely someone
2:52
Speaker 3: who likes to improve. He doesn't like to just stay
2:55
Speaker 3: stagnant and just sit there, And so whenever we would
2:58
Speaker 3: sit down to have these meetings, inevitably he would want
3:01
Speaker 3: to know how we could be better.
3:02
Speaker 4: Yeah.
3:03
Speaker 2: Well, And it wasn't like I'm saying, Kylie.
3:05
Speaker 1: Yuki, to clean the house better.
3:07
Speaker 2: Kylie, I wasn't saying that. I mean, it is true
3:10
Speaker 2: that I did notice that some things hadn't been dusted
3:12
Speaker 2: and mentioned that once orts of wise, but it was
3:14
Speaker 2: more about I really love what we're doing and I'm
3:19
Speaker 2: really happy with the life that we're living. It wasn't
3:22
Speaker 2: like we were doing everything wrong or anything wrong. It's
3:26
Speaker 2: just that I like things to continue to get better
3:28
Speaker 2: and better and better, and that's why we're having our Well.
3:31
Speaker 1: It has taken me twenty years to work that one out.
3:33
Speaker 2: Yeah it has, and we still have our moments. Cause
3:36
Speaker 2: you don't like it when I say I wonder what
3:38
Speaker 2: we could do to be better? You like, can we
3:39
Speaker 2: just be happy with where we are? But I'm one
3:41
Speaker 2: of those continual improvement kind of guys. I just I
3:43
Speaker 2: always want to be better as a human. I want
3:45
Speaker 2: my family to function better. We want to we want
3:48
Speaker 2: to improve and get better and take on bigger challenges.
3:51
Speaker 2: So we from the very outset have had this weekly
3:55
Speaker 2: couple's meeting, and it's very different today to what it
3:58
Speaker 2: was twenty plus years ago when we first started those meetings.
4:02
Speaker 3: Yep, when we were inventorying it was kind of that
4:06
Speaker 3: was your way of that was your way of creating
4:09
Speaker 3: detachment for me, so that when we sat down, I
4:12
Speaker 3: didn't feel like we were having this family meeting.
4:14
Speaker 1: That's how it came.
4:15
Speaker 2: About because I was like, I don't want you to
4:17
Speaker 2: get an emotion about this because it's an emotional conversation.
4:19
Speaker 2: There's no criticism here. It's just a conversation like how
4:21
Speaker 2: are we going and how can we do stuff better?
4:23
Speaker 2: And you'd be like, no, you're telling me I'm not
4:25
Speaker 2: good enough, and it was pretty full on it was.
4:28
Speaker 2: So that's one of our meetings, and we'll go into
4:29
Speaker 2: some more detail about exactly what happens in that meeting
4:33
Speaker 2: in just a minute. The other meeting that we have
4:36
Speaker 2: on a weekly basis, well.
4:38
Speaker 3: That came about because we added to our family. So
4:40
Speaker 3: we started with just us, yeah, yeah, but obviously as
4:43
Speaker 3: the children have come along, we recognized that we don't
4:45
Speaker 3: live in a dictatorship, that our children should have a
4:48
Speaker 3: voice as well, and so we created the family meeting
4:52
Speaker 3: that we have once a week with them.
4:53
Speaker 2: That we don't call a family counsel because that would
4:55
Speaker 2: bring up too much baggage for you, so we just
4:57
Speaker 2: call it a family meeting every now and again. We
4:59
Speaker 2: do have actually have a kids counsel. We say, kids,
5:01
Speaker 2: you just go and figure out and come back to
5:03
Speaker 2: us and let us know what you've decided. That only
5:05
Speaker 2: works sometimes, though, because usually the big kids just dominate
5:08
Speaker 2: the little kids into submission and say we're going to
5:10
Speaker 2: do it this way, and the little kids like, oh,
5:11
Speaker 2: this is one fair bit, okay. So we've created this
5:14
Speaker 2: family meeting that we have. We have our couples meeting
5:16
Speaker 2: every week and once a quarter, that is every term,
5:19
Speaker 2: every school term. Every three months, you and I go
5:22
Speaker 2: away and we have a couple's We call it a
5:25
Speaker 2: couple's immersion. We immerse ourselves in one another and in
5:29
Speaker 2: the stuff that we need to work out to make
5:32
Speaker 2: our family function well. And that couple's retreat or that
5:34
Speaker 2: couple's immersion is it's become our life saver, hasn't it.
5:38
Speaker 1: It really has. And let's be real.
5:40
Speaker 3: Sometimes it's not every quarter as we would like. It
5:43
Speaker 3: gets stretched out to four months or six months, depending
5:46
Speaker 3: on our babysitter's availability.
5:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right. I don't know if our mums are
5:50
Speaker 2: listening to this or not, but we haven't had one
5:54
Speaker 2: for this quarter where and we are feeling it, aren't
5:57
Speaker 2: We like this has been a really tough term to
5:59
Speaker 2: get through because we haven't had that immersion. So what
6:02
Speaker 2: we're going to do is take a quick break. Now
6:03
Speaker 2: that we've told you what the three are. There's a
6:05
Speaker 2: weekly couples meeting. What do we call that? Now? Do
6:08
Speaker 2: we even have a name? Do we still call?
6:09
Speaker 1: Well, we just call it WCI.
6:12
Speaker 2: I haven't called it that for it feels like about
6:13
Speaker 2: a decade, but maybe we do. Maybe you do. Then
6:16
Speaker 2: we have our weekly family meeting and we have our
6:19
Speaker 2: quarterly immersion. We'll tell you what happens in each of
6:21
Speaker 2: those right after the break. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
6:25
Speaker 4: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, tweens, Teams and Screens
6:29
Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
6:34
Speaker 4: Bye today at happyfamilies dot com, dot au slash shop.
6:39
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
6:41
Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers Now and today we've
6:43
Speaker 3: been sharing some of our family meetings and the way
6:46
Speaker 3: we structure things so that we can all be on
6:49
Speaker 3: the same page.
6:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's about organizations central.
6:53
Speaker 3: Yeah, aligning our values, our principles, and our calendars.
6:57
Speaker 2: It's in response to somebody's email a podcast at happy
7:01
Speaker 2: families dot com dot you, how do you do these meetings?
7:03
Speaker 2: What goes on in these meetings? What meetings are you having?
7:05
Speaker 2: And it's also kind of tied in with a question
7:08
Speaker 2: that I get all the time, and that is how
7:09
Speaker 2: do I get my partner on the same page? And
7:12
Speaker 2: it's about having these meetings and talking about your values
7:14
Speaker 2: and the stuff that matters. Most ironically, even though we're
7:17
Speaker 2: having three meetings, we pretty much answer the same three
7:21
Speaker 2: questions in each meeting. It's just that the context changes.
7:24
Speaker 2: So the family responds to these three questions one way.
7:28
Speaker 2: You and I when we have our couple's meeting respond
7:30
Speaker 2: to it slightly differently. And then when we have our
7:33
Speaker 2: quarterly retreat, that's kind of like the big picture, but
7:35
Speaker 2: it's the same three questions, it's the same structure, and
7:38
Speaker 2: it's a game changer. Can I talk about where the
7:41
Speaker 2: quarterly immersion came from?
7:42
Speaker 1: Of course?
7:42
Speaker 2: Okay, So a few years ago, when I started running
7:45
Speaker 2: the business a little bit better than I had been previously,
7:48
Speaker 2: I realized that about every ninety days I needed to
7:50
Speaker 2: create some sort of a strategy to make sure that
7:52
Speaker 2: I knew what I was supposed to be doing so
7:54
Speaker 2: that I could pay my staff and help to pay
7:57
Speaker 2: for our mortgage and all that sort of stuff. And
7:59
Speaker 2: I found that those waterly strategy sessions with my team
8:03
Speaker 2: really made a difference, and it helped me to reach
8:05
Speaker 2: more people and be more helpful to people. Like it
8:07
Speaker 2: was just it was a game changer, and I thought
8:09
Speaker 2: to myself, well, this strategy thing's amazing. The more I
8:13
Speaker 2: thought about it, though, the more I realized people actually
8:14
Speaker 2: put together business plans all the time, and they put
8:17
Speaker 2: together financial plans, and they put together holiday plans, and
8:20
Speaker 2: they put together like education plans for their children. People
8:24
Speaker 2: are always planning all this stuff, and yet we say
8:26
Speaker 2: that our family is the most important thing in our lives,
8:28
Speaker 2: and we don't put it together a plan for our family.
8:30
Speaker 2: And so I actually said to you, we're doing our
8:32
Speaker 2: family meetings every week, but I feel like we're just
8:34
Speaker 2: sort of spinning our wheels. And we're having our couples
8:37
Speaker 2: meetings every week, but I don't feel like we're kind
8:39
Speaker 2: of having the gains and the progress that are important
8:42
Speaker 2: to me. Because I'm a constant improver kind of guy.
8:45
Speaker 2: So what do you think about going away every quarter
8:47
Speaker 2: every ninety days? If I'm going to do it for
8:48
Speaker 2: my business, my family's more important than that. What if
8:51
Speaker 2: we were to just disappear for two nights? And I
8:52
Speaker 2: know not everyone can do that, by the way, So
8:54
Speaker 2: sometimes I'll just take a day off work and we'll
8:56
Speaker 2: have our immersion at home that day while the kids
8:59
Speaker 2: are at school. That's as kind of like a poor
9:01
Speaker 2: cousin to it, but sometimes that's all you can do.
9:03
Speaker 2: And since we've started to do that once a quarter,
9:06
Speaker 2: we've changed the way our family feels. We've changed the
9:08
Speaker 2: dynamic because of the planning that goes into it. If
9:11
Speaker 2: you're going to spend all that time planning your holiday,
9:14
Speaker 2: I think that it's only reasonable that you'd spend all
9:15
Speaker 2: that time planning your family decisions, family values, family direction.
9:20
Speaker 3: Well, again, let's be a little bit real about this
9:23
Speaker 3: is actually really important for our marriage as well. The
9:25
Speaker 3: opportunity we get to have a couple of days away
9:28
Speaker 3: without distraction, without responsibility of children, to be together.
9:33
Speaker 2: You really like hugging me a lot. I'm not going
9:37
Speaker 2: to say anything else, but we do like that time away.
9:40
Speaker 2: Don't we it's good for a couple to have time
9:43
Speaker 2: away from everyone and everything. So the three questions that
9:46
Speaker 2: we ask ourselves at the quarterly immersion, at the weekly
9:51
Speaker 2: family meeting, and at the weekly couple's meeting are.
9:55
Speaker 1: What's going well, what's not? And how can we improve?
10:00
Speaker 2: That's it. That's that's the entire structure. When we talk
10:03
Speaker 2: about what went well, we spend as much time on
10:06
Speaker 2: that as we can. We love hearing what the kids
10:08
Speaker 2: think about what's going well, Where do we feel like
10:10
Speaker 2: a couple, relationships going well, how's the family going? And
10:13
Speaker 2: when we do the big one for the quarterly immersion,
10:16
Speaker 2: that what's gone well over the last twelve weeks. That's
10:19
Speaker 2: a big conversation, like that's a that's an hour long conversation.
10:23
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I guess the focus changes significantly because when
10:26
Speaker 3: you and I sit down and we have a conversation
10:28
Speaker 3: about what's going well, we're actually talking about our own
10:31
Speaker 3: individual lives and we hold each other accountable to that.
10:34
Speaker 3: So we will talk about our exercise routines, or you know,
10:37
Speaker 3: whether or not we're getting enough sleep or diet, or.
10:40
Speaker 2: We talk about our spiritual practice. We talk about our
10:42
Speaker 2: life balance, whether or not I'm working too much, whether
10:44
Speaker 2: or not you're volunteering too much. Like, we work through
10:48
Speaker 2: all of that sort of stuff and talk about what's
10:50
Speaker 2: going well.
10:51
Speaker 1: That's right.
10:52
Speaker 3: And in that process we'll also you know, align our
10:54
Speaker 3: calendars so we know what each one is doing and
10:57
Speaker 3: what each one is carrying, you know, with each different
11:00
Speaker 3: loads to carry, and so we can see as we
11:02
Speaker 3: go through that process, you can see where you might
11:04
Speaker 3: be able to alleviate some of my strain and vice versa.
11:08
Speaker 3: And so those things are really important. When we go
11:11
Speaker 3: into the family situation though, we're not talking about what
11:13
Speaker 3: you and I are doing well. We're actually talking about
11:15
Speaker 3: the family dynamics. What's gone well in our family this week?
11:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, how morning's going? Or is everyone happy with how
11:22
Speaker 2: meal time is? Or are we all getting to bet
11:25
Speaker 2: on time? What's happening on our weekend?
11:26
Speaker 1: Who's doing their chores? Are they getting done? You know?
11:29
Speaker 3: Well, do we need to have a change up of
11:31
Speaker 3: the chore chart? You know, all of those kinds of
11:34
Speaker 3: things come into play, and then when we get to
11:36
Speaker 3: have our quarterly get away, we're asking much deeper questions.
11:40
Speaker 3: We're looking at, you know, how is our family functioning
11:43
Speaker 3: and not just looking at the day to day stuff.
11:45
Speaker 1: We're looking at the big picture.
11:47
Speaker 2: The really important thing is the last question, though, and
11:48
Speaker 2: that is what are we going to do from here?
11:50
Speaker 2: Because once we've identified where we're winning and where we're
11:53
Speaker 2: really struggling, sometimes the struggle list is very, very long,
11:56
Speaker 2: and it's tempting to say, well, we need to fix
11:57
Speaker 2: this and this and this and this and this, and
11:58
Speaker 2: the list just is over whelming. We are pretty hardcore
12:02
Speaker 2: on only picking one or two things maximum that we're
12:05
Speaker 2: going to work on this week or this quarter, and
12:08
Speaker 2: that's where we stop. Even though there's so many other
12:10
Speaker 2: things we could work on. Too many things to work
12:12
Speaker 2: on is overwhelming and we make no progress. So that's
12:15
Speaker 2: kind of that's kind of it. I mean, there's a
12:17
Speaker 2: big agenda when we go away, and it's probably worth
12:19
Speaker 2: quickly mentioning some of the things that we talk about.
12:21
Speaker 2: And I don't think we can go through it all
12:23
Speaker 2: because while we're gone for two nights, we spend I
12:26
Speaker 2: reckon seventy five percent of that time talking about what's
12:31
Speaker 2: on the agenda. And the agenda is not just about cuddles.
12:34
Speaker 3: No, there are lots of different things and it changes
12:36
Speaker 3: every time because our family dynamics are changing all the
12:39
Speaker 3: time every time, So we might talk about diet and exercise.
12:42
Speaker 3: We might talk about kids and technology. We might talk
12:44
Speaker 3: about discipline and routine. We might talk about reviewing our
12:47
Speaker 3: family principles and how we're doing with teaching our children
12:50
Speaker 3: and stelling those principles into their lives. We might talk
12:54
Speaker 3: about well, we also finances.
12:57
Speaker 2: We go through that. We also pull out the calendar
12:59
Speaker 2: and say what the major events that we need to
13:01
Speaker 2: schedule or that are coming up.
13:03
Speaker 1: We'll plan upcoming holidays.
13:04
Speaker 2: We talk about their extra curricular activities. I mean, there's
13:08
Speaker 2: so much stuff to go through in terms of planning
13:11
Speaker 2: how the family's going to function for the next twelve weeks,
13:14
Speaker 2: get all the stuff into the calendar that needs to
13:15
Speaker 2: be there. It's a pretty intensive couple of days away.
13:19
Speaker 2: And there's been a couple of times where we've gone
13:21
Speaker 2: away and had all these conversations and you've been a
13:22
Speaker 2: bit cranky because there hasn't been time for cuddles because
13:26
Speaker 2: there's so much to talk about.
13:27
Speaker 3: There is so much to talk about and what happens
13:30
Speaker 3: in family life when we don't give ourselves that time
13:33
Speaker 3: and that distance in space to have these conversations is
13:38
Speaker 3: we have half finished conversations, you know, pillow talk as
13:41
Speaker 3: we're falling asleep, or you know, when we're waking up
13:44
Speaker 3: and we're trying to raise into one hundred and one
13:46
Speaker 3: things at a time, and so we never actually really
13:49
Speaker 3: get to make improvements or even decisions sometimes about what
13:53
Speaker 3: needs to happen because we're constantly on the go.
13:56
Speaker 2: So I don't know if this has been helpful for
13:58
Speaker 2: you or not, but hopefully it has. If you'd like
14:00
Speaker 2: to be more aligned, be more on the same page,
14:02
Speaker 2: you get your values more consistent with one another, or
14:05
Speaker 2: just be better at scheduling and getting the routine sorted
14:08
Speaker 2: out so everyone knows who's supposed to be where, when
14:10
Speaker 2: and how, or just if improvements your thing, you might
14:13
Speaker 2: find that this little planning system can be helpful for you.
14:16
Speaker 2: The weekly couple's conversation, the family meeting, and once a
14:21
Speaker 2: quarter getting away for even if it's just a day,
14:24
Speaker 2: and talking about everything that needs to happen in the
14:28
Speaker 2: family to make it function well. We really hope that
14:31
Speaker 2: you've enjoyed today's podcast. Tonight a very special free webinar
14:37
Speaker 2: all the details at happy families dot com dot I you.
14:39
Speaker 2: Can we please talk about our boys? The world has
14:42
Speaker 2: turned upside down for so many of our boys as
14:44
Speaker 2: culture shifts and changes. Much of it is for good,
14:47
Speaker 2: but unfortunately, there's still undoubtedly a boy crisis, and there
14:51
Speaker 2: are still so many unhealthy aspects to being in the
14:53
Speaker 2: manbox living by the boy code. There's still a whole
14:56
Speaker 2: lot of really unhealthy ideas about what it is to
14:58
Speaker 2: be a healthy male. Can we please talk about Our Boys?
15:01
Speaker 2: A free webinar via Happy families dot com dot AU.
15:04
Speaker 2: I would love for you to join in and participate
15:07
Speaker 2: in that conversation, and I'll also let you know all
15:09
Speaker 2: about the Bringing Up Boys summit that's coming up in
15:12
Speaker 2: the next couple of weeks. For more information, Happy families
15:15
Speaker 2: dot com dot you. Thanks so much as always to
15:17
Speaker 2: Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, our producer, and Craig Bruce,
15:20
Speaker 2: our executive producer, and as I mentioned before, all the
15:23
Speaker 2: details about the stuff we've talked about of the podcast
15:25
Speaker 2: today and about talking about our Boys tonight at Happy
15:29
Speaker 2: Families dot com dot U.