Latest / Gabriel Ellis, PhD | The Curious Mind Podcast / Setting Boundaries: A Critical Perspective

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Setting Boundaries: A Critical Perspective · Gabriel Ellis, PhD | The Curious Mind Podcast

• 0:02
  Hello everyone and welcome to another Curious Mind podcast.
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  Today I would like to talk about a topic that is important for
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  psychology, for psychotherapy and for the zeitgeist as it is
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  today, which is to set boundaries.
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  So I would like to reflect with you on how to set boundaries and
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  the advantages and disadvantages of doing so.
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  Generally speaking, there are boundaries that I set for myself
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  and those that I communicate to others.
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  These are the two kinds of boundaries.
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  The goal of boundaries is to create clarity for myself and
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  for others. But boundaries and clarity are
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  not necessarily part of normal life.
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  In life, everything is interconnected.
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  Every situation requires a new commitment, a new weighing up,
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  and a new evaluation. So setting boundaries is an
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  artificial act in a way, a limitation that does not remain
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  on its own but has to be maintained with effort continues
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  effort. Let me first describe boundaries
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  for myself and how to do it best.
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  When I set up a boundary for myself, I shouldn't sure,
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  precisely because it takes effort to maintain a boundary
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  that my unconscious supports me. It's important to ensure that my
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  unconscious is supporting me. And to do this I have to be
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  clear to myself how the boundary helps me and how it fits into my
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  system of needs and values. So I have to become conscious of
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  that, to lay down the arguments. And with this clarification,
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  with this constant conscious evaluation, I ensure the support
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  of my unconscious. If my unconscious does not
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  automatically support this boundary, I need to learn to
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  recognize my external and internal triggers, to avoid
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  those and to move, move away from them.
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  OK, so that was a little bit abstract.
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  Let's take the example of a drinking problem.
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  So what's for the sake of the example?
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  I imagine that I have a drinking problem and want to keep control
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  of it. In order to set a boundary for
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  myself and not make a serious mistake with a slip up, I need
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  to clarify where exactly this boundary lies and why it is
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  important to me. For example, I can decide that I
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  will no longer drink alcohol when I go out with friends.
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  But how far does this boundary extend?
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  It is in its essence quite vague.
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  Can I have a glass of wine at home with my girlfriend to
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  relax? Can I drink alcohol on special
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  occasions? Or is it OK to have only one
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  beer in company as long as I keep it to 1?
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  So I have to figure out those precise cases so that I don't
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  struggle in the event, so that I know exactly what is OK for me
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  and what not. And when I do clarify these
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  questions with myself, I should be completely honest and
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  considering those different case scenarios and the consequences
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  by weighing up the pros and cons and understanding how they
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  affect my health and my relationships and my general
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  well-being. Only then do I decide on a rule
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  for my drinking. The honesty is the base of this
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  is the foundation, because based on this evaluation, based on the
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  honesty, I'm creating the consequences for my behavior.
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  And only if I start with a foundation of really sober
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  honesty, I can develop cases that make sense to me.
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  So I cannot get lost in idealistic beliefs about what
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  I'm capable of, what I'm enduring, what cases I could
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  tolerate without any problem. I cannot get lost in the
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  fantasies of a a well adjusted being.
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  In this I have to be really honest and sober in my
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  assessment. In this way I ensure that my
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  unconscious is in harmony with that limit that I have set, the
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  boundary that I have set. However, if my inner parts are
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  unbalanced and different needs or feelings could lead me to
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  drinking uncontrollably, I must be careful not to set up a rule
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  that weakens me because of my conflicting intentions.
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  For example, if drinking is my only context where I could meet
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  my friends, then I'm obviously in a dilemma here because I want
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  to meet my friends at the same time they are drinking and
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  inviting me to drink. So I'm conflicted when I'm
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  conflicted with needs that are similarly important to me, which
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  have a high priority. I make it difficult for my
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  unconscious to support me because it is torn.
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  And so I have to rather artificially, without the full
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  support of my unconscious, set up limitations, set up
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  boundaries, know my triggers so that even without the full
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  support of my unconscious, I can maintain those boundaries
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  because otherwise I would have to face grave consequences.
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  So in this example, keeping up the abstention would really
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  challenge my willpower. So again, I have to learn about
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  the specific triggers that could tempt me to disregard the
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  boundary I've set for myself. And I have to understand when do
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  these triggers appear, For example, in the company of
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  certain friends, or even one of those friends?
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  In which places? It could be that at certain
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  places my willpower is weakened. For example, if I'm in a cafe,
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  because usually after a cafe we would go to a bar.
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  At what times, for example, in the evening, that might be
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  weaker than during the daytime. And in the presence of which
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  groups of people, what kind of company?
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  For example, if I'm in a company of strangers, I might be more
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  insecure, I might feel socially awkward, and then I might be
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  more tempted to drink because usually I would think that I'm
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  more funny, witty, and sociable when I do drink.
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  So I have to be careful enough to be mindful of those
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  triggering circumstances. And when I'm aware of those
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  triggers, I understand what the first signs of the loss of
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  control are. That I already know and as a
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  consequences I remove myself from those situations.
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  OK, so this is the analysis that I do.
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  And from this analysis I can learn which situations I should
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  avoid or in which situations I need to take regular breaks to
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  collect myself. So let's say I do want to
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  continue to go to cafes with friends, even though it lowers
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  my inhibition to afterwards join them to go to a bar or to a club
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  where I would drink. So in already in the cafe I go
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  out to, to have a smoke, to have a short walk around the block or
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  go to the bathroom. And so I withdraw from those
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  slippery slope triggers. And when I withdraw, when I'm in
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  the bathroom, I recollect myself.
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  I remind myself why it is important for me to keep away
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  from the alcohol. I remind myself that going into
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  a bar with them, even when I tell them that I don't want to
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  drink, and even if they do support me, that the probability
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  that I will get weak becomes very high.
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  So I collect myself. I ensure at least some support
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  from my unconscious. Then I go out again to the group
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  of friends and I execute the plan that is best for me.
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  Now, this was the boundary towards myself.
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  If I set up a rule, if I have goals towards myself and it's
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  about me maintaining those boundaries, me applying those
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  limitations, it is completely different when it comes to
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  establishing boundaries to other people.
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  First of all, I should have no illusions about how willing
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  others are to accept my boundaries.
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  May be that my boundaries are not a problem for them.
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  And if I'm not interfering with their needs, when I express my
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  boundary, if I ask them to do something or I ask them to not
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  do something, if it doesn't interfere with their needs, then
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  they might be quite willing actually to support me.
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  But if my boundary means a restriction for their needs,
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  then I can only hope that their respect and their faction and
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  their love, if it exists, we'll help them to acknowledge my
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  boundaries. If there is no such thing, if
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  I'm asking someone to respect my boundary who doesn't have a
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  particular respect for me, not a particular faction or love, why
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  should they do it? I think today we'll live in a
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  time when people think and assume that just because I've
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  told someone that something is important for me and that they
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  should respect this boundary, that they will or should accept
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  this. Why is that the case?
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  Why would that be the case? Everything we know about
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  psychology is when I start to interfere with the need of
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  another, with a belief or the conviction of another that they
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  will not be interested to support my 'cause people have a
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  tendency in many circumstances to be selfish, so they will look
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  after their satisfaction of needs, not mine.
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  So a crucial factor in the success of boundary setting is
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  open communication. It can be helpful to clarify and
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  discussions how much my boundary represents a restriction for
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  others, for example, my girlfriend, and in return to
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  offer to respond to her needs so that she does not feel that I am
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  only making demands without taking her needs into account.
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  So if I ask her to in certain situations treat me in a certain
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  way when we're in public, in the supermarket, making groceries
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  and so on, and she has established a habit that somehow
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  annoys me or why I feel disrespected, then I'm asking
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  her I'm setting a boundary, I'm asking go for support to respect
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  a certain boundary. But I understand that for her to
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  change her habit, particularly when she doesn't see anything
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  wrong with it. And where I admit, look, this is
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  me. I'm sensitive about this.
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  I understand it for you, it's not a big deal.
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  For me it is. I'm asking for a support, which
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  is a very kind boundary setting. But I understand for her it's a
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  limitation. And so I both appreciate that
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  she's doing it for me and I'm offering my support when it
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  comes to her needs so that she understands that I'm grateful
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  and I'm not just making demands and it's not a power play.
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  Once I clarified this, it is important to regularly check how
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  things are going. So I'm asking her for certain
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  behavior in public. Going back to that example, she
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  says OK, and I regularly check how it's going.
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  And I let her know after a few weeks, after a month, if this is
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  to my satisfaction, if I'm asking her for further support,
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  I'm letting her know if she's too much has slipped up in her
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  behavior. I have to assume again, because
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  it is about another person and they their priority is not to
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  satisfy my needs. I have to assume that they will
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  forget. I have to assume that I have to
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  set up this boundary repeatedly, and that with time, with
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  compassion, with open, honest, benevolent communication, step
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  by step, this boundary, this limitation will be respected.
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  There will be inevitable small violations of the rule.
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  How can it not be? And I have to decide if I can
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  tolerate them. And if it is, then I don't have
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  to communicate again. I don't have to bring it up.
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  So don't tolerate them. I have to look for another
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  conversation. And then should we just adjust
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  the agreements that we have to make them fairer maybe?
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  Maybe she feels that I'm exaggerating.
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  Or is it? Is it OK as it is?
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  So these were a few examples around on resetting for myself
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  and for the other. When considering whether and how
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  boundaries should be set, you must consider the basic
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  advantages and disadvantages. And they're not only advantages
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  to boundaries setting. The big advantage of a boundary
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  is the clarity. It can create both the clarity
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  that I can communicate, For example, I don't drink alcohol
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  when I go out. This is the clarity to others
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  and the clarity for myself, namely the clarity of the
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  principles that I adhere to. This gives me a clarity, a
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  guideline for my life with boundaries, rules, limitations.
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  Yes, they are restricting my behavior, sometimes my thoughts,
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  sometimes my feelings, but they also let me know who I am.
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  This is good for me, and sometimes it is useful also to
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  be able to communicate this to others.
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  It creates a certain rigidity and a certain stability.
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  The disadvantage of boundaries is that they are artificial to a
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  certain extent and always have to be maintained with a certain
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  amount of effort. I have to remind myself, I have
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  to check myself, I have to understand how I want to behave
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  in situations that are not clearly delineated, that are
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  more vague, that I've not defined for myself.
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  And I have to maintain this boundary to maintain this limit
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  when it comes to the application by other people.
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  In the example with my girlfriend, I have to remind her
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  she might not have understood what it's about the first time,
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  the second time, the third time. So I have to renew this
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  understanding and so on. This is 1 disadvantage.
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  Now if my boundaries are too unrealistic, this can lead to
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  frustration, either because I cannot maintain my own
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  boundaries and violate suppressed needs, or because
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  others constantly disregard them.
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  And here I've undervalued how unrealistic this boundary
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  setting it is for them. So if it is unrealistic for them
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  to apply my boundaries, they will constantly disregard them
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  and the possible price for that is frustration, feelings of
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  powerlessness, or if I internalize the criticism, self
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  depreciation and possibly even aggression towards others.
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  Helplessness and aggression are often connected.
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  Now, what is the alternative to rigid boundaries?
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  If I do without fixed boundaries, the advantages that
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  I can react more flexibly to different situations, then I am
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  more open to life and I can feel myself and others more
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  intensely. Keep in mind, boundaries create
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  limitations, can create rigidity, can create a lack of
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  vitality, and if I have loose boundaries, it can allow me to
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  stay in the moment, to experience the moment and people
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  in the fresh way, and so to create feelings that are more
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  direct and more intense. The disadvantage of few or no
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  boundaries is that I can get lost in the stream of constantly
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  changing circumstances because I don't actively respond to them
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  with limitations and so as a consequence to possibly endure
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  too much harmful behavior from others and to notice it only too
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  late. So, for example, I am with
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  people who have the habit to take too much space in a
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  conversation. I don't have any boundaries.
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  I tell myself that I go with the flow.
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  I react to people as they are. They take much more space than I
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  do. Habitually I spent with them
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  some time, maybe a weekend on vacation, maybe those are
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  friends. So over the weeks and months we
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  spent much time and only later do I realize that this is, I
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  feel a hesitation to meet them again.
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  Somehow I feel some animosity I feel and aggression.
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  I start to have thoughts that I don't like them very much and
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  this would be due to me not having set up boundaries.
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  Boundary in this case would be to interrupt them in
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  conversations or in confidential, confidential
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  conversations to let them know how I feel that I need a little
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  bit more space. That it would be kind of them to
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  ask me every now and then, and not just to take the space and
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  to assume that I'm fine with it. And by not having done that, I
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  would have created a violation of my needs, my needs to be
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  acknowledged, my need to be heard, and so on.
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  And then too late, I would notice that I feel this
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  negativity, this hesitation, this resentment towards those
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  people. So this is a danger.
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  And without firm boundaries, I may not develop, as I mentioned
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  before, the ability to manage, control and direct my life in
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  the direction that suits my needs.
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  Because when I do formulate for myself boundaries, it gives me a
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  better understanding of who I am, especially if those
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  boundaries are set up in conjunction with the
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  understanding of my unconscious, with my needs.
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  And then I know who I am, I know who I want to be, and I know in
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  which situations I want to get all right.
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  So one danger of not having set up those conscious boundaries
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  might be that I get lost in external circumstances and I'm
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  drifting, drifting along into a life that I have not chosen.
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  OK, now overall, just to summarize setting boundaries as
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  a useful tool, but it's also a concept.
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  A concept that does not necessarily reflect the normal,
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  the natural state of the mind. And so when you set boundaries,
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  you have to carefully consider and adapt them over time.
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  It's not healthy psychologically to set up a boundary and to
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  assume that it will hold its value over extended period of
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  time, over months and years. We have to update them just as
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  much as we have to understand we have to update our own
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  understanding of ourselves or to update relationships, and it is
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  important to find a balance that takes into account both our own
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  needs and the needs of others on recent boundaries.
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  Like I said also in the example with my girlfriend, I have to
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  understand that a boundary from my side might be perceived as a
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  limitation on her side, and I have to counterbalance that.
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  And I have to remain flexible in order to respond to life's
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  challenges without sucking the joy out of life with two rigid
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  rules. If I'm surrounding myself with
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  boundaries, with limitations, if I'm walking around constantly in
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  my mind or any communication telling people how to treat me,
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  what to do in my company, and so on, then so much energy goes
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  into maintaining those boundaries or in my mind,
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  complaining that people don't keep those boundaries, that
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  indeed it has the potential to suck the joy out, to suck the
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  vitality out of life. So as I mentioned the beginning,
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  this is a basic component of psychology and can be a basic
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  component of therapy. Which brings me to the point to
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  kind of advertise therapy to you.
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  Statistically, it is known that people with sometimes quite
• 22:29
  grave mental issues keep them for many years without doing
• 22:34
  anything. Maybe they think they will go
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  away by themselves. Maybe they have experienced some
• 22:41
  improvement and then are happy with the plateau and would think
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  that it that are resilient enough and so on.
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  The fact of the matter is that mental illness is taking a lot
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  of energy from us and it's difficult to revert that.
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  The longer we accept a mental illness in our mind, the more it
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  becomes habitual and the more the difficulty has become
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  habitual. And this can be also in
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  relationships either, so it can be either within myself or in a
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  relationship. Then it becomes more difficult
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  to repair it, to fix it, to turn it around.
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  Why? Because something that is
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  habitual becomes almost invisible.
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  And the whole, not the whole, but a good part of the, the
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  therapeutic process is to understand what is going on.
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  But if it has become virtually invisible because of long habit,
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  it removes the possibility to see what is going on.
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  And then kind of the detective work to put the puzzle pieces
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  together becomes more and more difficult and just takes more
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  time, which can cause, again, frustration.
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  It can cost time, it can cost resources and so on.
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  So This is why it's good to consider when you see that in
• 24:08
  overtime the problems you are facing are not going away by
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  themselves as they sometimes can or they're not going away by
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  talking about them with trusted friends, with your partner and
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  so on, Then I think it will be wise to consider therapy.
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  Choose a trusted therapist. This can be either by
• 24:29
  recommendation or by finding them online for example.
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  And here online therapy just gives you much more flexibility.
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  Now I understand of course that many people prefer a therapy
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  with an in person therapist, but it just limits you to the
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  regional possibilities around you.
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  And experience shows that many of those are fully occupied and
• 24:56
  just don't have a spot left. So online therapy is a
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  possibility to be more flexible and to find someone to your
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  liking. I am an online therapist myself.
• 25:08
  In the description you will find a link to my Getting to know
• 25:14
  each other session that is for free and I am happy to support
• 25:18
  people with those videos. With those podcasts, you also
• 25:22
  get an impression of how I think, how I tend to perceive
• 25:27
  the mind, how I support people. And if you're interested in this
• 25:31
  approach, then I'm happy if you contact me and I would be happy
• 25:36
  to support you. OK, Like the content?
• 25:40
  Subscribe if you are interested in other similar content in the
• 25:45
  future. And I would be happy to see you
• 25:49
  soon. Goodbye.