Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Raising Boys Who Do the Right Thing [an excerpt from 'Boys']

Transcript

Raising Boys Who Do the Right Thing [an excerpt from 'Boys'] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: I have a direct quote here from chat GPT. I
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  Speaker 1: used it to find some information when I was doing
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  Speaker 1: some research for my book. It says the following quote.
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  Speaker 1: You don't find answers to deep questions of the soul
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  Speaker 1: on your smartphone or laptop chat GPT. Today I'm the
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast Character Building Strength from the Inside Out,
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  Speaker 1: where stepping into my brand new book Boys called Building
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  Speaker 1: Strong young Men from the Inside Out and talking about
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  Speaker 1: character and how it's developed. What we can do to
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  Speaker 1: help our kids to be strong and courageous and have
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  Speaker 1: that moral wisdom and strength that helps them to be
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  Speaker 1: just good men, good men who help the people around
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  Speaker 1: them feel safer and stronger. That's next. Stay with us.
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  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, where we
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  Speaker 1: get real parenting solutions every single day. It's Australia's most
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  Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast where Justin and Kyle course with the
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  Speaker 1: parents of six kids. I'm the author of the brand
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  Speaker 1: new book Boys, Building Strong young Men from the Inside Out.
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  Speaker 1: Hopefully you've got your copy. If you haven't, can I
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  Speaker 1: encourage you to get a copy. The first week of
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  Speaker 1: a book's release is the week that has the biggest
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  Speaker 1: impact on how many people the book's able to reach,
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  Speaker 1: how successful it is. This is a good book. I'm
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  Speaker 1: really happy about it. If you don't mind me saying,
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  Speaker 1: can I recommend my own book? I think I just did.
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  Speaker 1: All Right, Kylie, you wanted to talk about character. This
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  Speaker 1: was the chapter you chose.
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  Speaker 2: I've really really enjoyed this week's conversation and I can't
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  Speaker 2: wait to hear what you've written.
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  Speaker 1: All right, I'm kicking it off with well, I'm just
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  Speaker 1: going to read. You can interrupt, and away we go. So, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: I'd love to start off by reading the story at
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  Speaker 1: the start of the chapter, but it's five pages, and
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  Speaker 1: based on how much reading we've gotten done this week
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  Speaker 1: from the book, if I do that, we're I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to talk about anything else. So there is a story
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  Speaker 1: that I think is one of the best stories that
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  Speaker 1: I've ever experienced and told I shared it on the
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  Speaker 1: Ted stage a number of years ago, and I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to pick this up at the end of that story
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  Speaker 1: so that we can talk about the stuff that really matters.
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  Speaker 2: Can you give like a brief synopsis instead of five
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  Speaker 2: pages of reading?
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  Speaker 1: No? Okay, no, let's just say that. I asked young
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  Speaker 1: A brief synopsis. Yeah, okay, fine. I asked a young
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  Speaker 1: man to do something that was morally questionable and he
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  Speaker 1: said no. But everybody else thought that he should have
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  Speaker 1: done it, And in previous seminars and conversations other people
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  Speaker 1: had done it. But he had the courage to say no.
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  Speaker 1: He knew how to help the people around and feel
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  Speaker 1: safer and stronger. It's a great story. I love it
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  Speaker 1: all right, So let me pick it up from the
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  Speaker 1: end of that. Where do boys like that come from?
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  Speaker 1: More importantly, why does it matter? Recall the man or
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  Speaker 1: bear question. Talked about that in chapter one, which we
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  Speaker 1: didn't get to read. But anyway, women chose the bear
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  Speaker 1: because boys and men have become untrustworthy in their eyes.
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  Speaker 1: Too many people simply don't believe that the males in
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  Speaker 1: their lives will act in their best interests. The male
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  Speaker 1: problem is a trust problem. It's a question of character.
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  Speaker 1: When boys make rape threats, join toxic discord chats, or
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  Speaker 1: pressure girls for sex, they're indicating they can't be trusted.
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  Speaker 1: When boys tell someone who holds a contrary opinion to
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  Speaker 1: f off, or chant offensive lyrics on a public Melbourne tram,
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  Speaker 1: or share deep fake pornography of female classmates, or livestream
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  Speaker 1: sexual assaults on Snapchat, or form boys clubs that rate
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  Speaker 1: girls bodies in group chats. They're not just being immature.
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  Speaker 1: This is not a case of boys will be boys.
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  Speaker 1: They're demonstrating a fundamental failure of character that makes them unsafe.
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  Speaker 1: They're not acting in other's best interest. They're not helping
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  Speaker 1: others feel safer and stronger. This book began with some
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  Speaker 1: disturbing stories. You hear these stories and wonder what would
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  Speaker 1: my son do. Would he have the moral courage to
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  Speaker 1: call it out, shut it down, or step away? Is
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  Speaker 1: he like the young man in the story. We want
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  Speaker 1: the answer to be an easy yes, but sometimes it's
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  Speaker 1: hard to know. Character is the key. In his book
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  Speaker 1: The Road to Character, David Brooks writes about eulogy virtues
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  Speaker 1: the qualities people remember when you're gone, Not your achievements,
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  Speaker 1: the resume virtues, but your character. Did you help others
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  Speaker 1: feel safer and stronger? Did you add more value than
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  Speaker 1: you consumed? Were you someone people could trust? This chapter
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  Speaker 1: provides the three part blueprint for raising boys of character,
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  Speaker 1: young men who understand Augustine's injunction that right is right,
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  Speaker 1: even when no one is doing it, and wrong is
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  Speaker 1: wrong even when everyone is doing it.
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  Speaker 2: I love that quote, Such a good quote.
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  Speaker 1: Not boys who avoid getting caught, boys who do the
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  Speaker 1: right thing even when no one is watching, because it's
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  Speaker 1: who they are. So after the story, that's the intro
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  Speaker 1: to the three pillars, the three pillars of character. So
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to give you a choice. Now, we're not
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  Speaker 1: going to have time for all three in the podcast.
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  Speaker 1: So Pillar one is the surplus value mindset, and we've
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  Speaker 1: talked a little bit about that on the podcast. So
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  Speaker 1: maybe you'd like to go deeper, or maybe you'd like
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  Speaker 1: to look at pillar two, the path of resistance rather
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  Speaker 1: than the path of least resistance, and pillar number three
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  Speaker 1: moral wisdom. Of the three, which one would you like
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  Speaker 1: us to spend time in.
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  Speaker 2: Why do I have to pick? That's so unfair.
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  Speaker 1: I just don't have time.
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  Speaker 2: Go with pillar two.
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  Speaker 1: You want to go with the path of resistance? Yes,
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  Speaker 1: I reckon. If we want our boys to develop character,
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  Speaker 1: their willingness to choose hard will be one of the
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  Speaker 1: most valuable things that they can do. If they can
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  Speaker 1: be willing to experience rejection because they tried the hard thing,
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  Speaker 1: if they can be willing to experience failure, that's what
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  Speaker 1: builds character.
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  Speaker 2: Or choosing an option that's not popular by the rest
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  Speaker 2: of people because he knows that it's wrong. Great.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, willingness to stand alone. Yeah, oh brilliant. Okay, So
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  Speaker 1: after the break, I'll continue reading from pillar two of
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  Speaker 1: chapter six character, the Path of Resistance. Stay with us,
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  Speaker 1: We're back. It's the Happy Families Podcast. Thank you so
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  Speaker 1: much for joining us. We hope that you're enjoying our
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  Speaker 1: conversation about my brand new book, Boys, Building Strong young
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  Speaker 1: Men from the inside out. The first pillar was all
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  Speaker 1: about surplus value. The second pillar is what Kylie has
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  Speaker 1: asked me to read. The second pillar is literally and
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  Speaker 1: metaphorically about climbing hills and developing self discipline to control
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  Speaker 1: only what you can control. In some ways, it leans
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  Speaker 1: pretty heavily on stoicism. As a former competitive cyclist, I've
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  Speaker 1: learned that riding uphill makes you stronger than riding downhill
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  Speaker 1: or along the flat. The hills are hard, your legs burn,
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  Speaker 1: your lungs explode, and every instinct screams stop pedaling, turn
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  Speaker 1: the bike around and ride back down the hill. But
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  Speaker 1: the hills, oh, our strength is built We've created a
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  Speaker 1: phrase in our home. You've got to love the hills.
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  Speaker 1: The hills make you strong. Character works the same way.
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  Speaker 1: It's not built in comfort zones. Character is forged in
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  Speaker 1: challenges that demand more than your son thinks he can give.
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  Speaker 1: A popular statement shared on the Internet, often attributed to
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  Speaker 1: Henry David Threw, reminds us the path of least resistance
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  Speaker 1: leads to crooked rivers and crooked men. David Brooks asserts
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  Speaker 1: that the struggle against your own weakness is the central
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  Speaker 1: drama of life. This is it. The Stoics believed true
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  Speaker 1: strength comes from mastering what you can control your thoughts, choices,
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  Speaker 1: and responses, while accepting what you cannot. This means disciplining
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  Speaker 1: yourself to focus energy where it makes a difference. How
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  Speaker 1: does your son feel about effort? And just as importantly,
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  Speaker 1: how do you feel about effort? He's watching how you
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  Speaker 1: handle hard moments. As a society, we have engineered so
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  Speaker 1: much hard stuff out of our daily lives. Your son
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  Speaker 1: has countless detours around difficulty. Don'tamine is Cheap screens provide
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  Speaker 1: instant entertainment when boredom strikes. Ai writes his essays, gaming
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  Speaker 1: offers achievement without real accomplishment. Each shortcut undermines his capacity
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  Speaker 1: to handle genuine challenge. But the things that make him
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  Speaker 1: uncomfortable are the things that make him grow. These insights
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  Speaker 1: point to one thing, embracing challenge, learning to love the hills.
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  Speaker 1: That's what increases competence.
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  Speaker 2: So do you help parents help their boys embrace Oh?
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  Speaker 1: No, I just lecture them. Yeah, the whole book. The
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  Speaker 1: whole book is like a little exercise of all the
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  Speaker 1: different things that you can do to help your son
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  Speaker 1: or your daughter for that matter, to be willing to
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  Speaker 1: take on challenge. This is what I've written at the
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  Speaker 1: end of the chapter, and we probably need to wrap
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  Speaker 1: it up in the next minute or so. Anyway, I've
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  Speaker 1: said this, this pillar is about reframing challenge as growth.
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  Speaker 1: And this is why I'm always saying about kids, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want you to choose what feels good or
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  Speaker 1: what makes you happy. I want you to choose what
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  Speaker 1: enlarges you.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm thinking back to your story of Digby and
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  Speaker 2: Gray and this idea that you've got to look good
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  Speaker 2: in front of your mates, right, But there's also this
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  Speaker 2: element of stretching each other, like pushing yourself to the limits,
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  Speaker 2: and as long as you're doing that in a healthy,
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  Speaker 2: safe way, that's awesome. I want friends who'll do that
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  Speaker 2: with me, like who won't accept mediocre. So there's so
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  Speaker 2: much of what boys instinctively and naturally do, which is
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  Speaker 2: actually really.
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  Speaker 1: Powerful, so so important.
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  Speaker 2: They just lack maturity often and then take it too far.
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  Speaker 2: And so I think the quest.
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  Speaker 1: For which is why they may good men around them.
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  Speaker 2: That's right, that's right. It's how do you harness what
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  Speaker 2: is naturally and instinctively part of who they are to
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  Speaker 2: create greatness.
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  Speaker 1: Let me finish off this section. When your son encounters difficulty,
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  Speaker 1: academic struggles, social rejection, athletic failure, he's climbing a metaphorical hill.
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  Speaker 1: Put another way, he's a knight in shining armor and
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  Speaker 1: there's a dragon to slagh. Resist the urge to eliminate
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  Speaker 1: his discomfort. Don't slay his dragon for him. Be supportive,
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  Speaker 1: but don't take away his pain. Instead, when he's calm,
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  Speaker 1: help him reframe the challenge's opportunity. And then, quick note
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  Speaker 1: two chapters from now, well look at how to do that.
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  Speaker 1: Sorry for now, just remember high emotions equals low intelligence.
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  Speaker 1: Your job is to help him to move from a
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  Speaker 1: high emotion state to a stayble low emotion state. It's
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  Speaker 1: usually enough to simply say this is so tough for
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  Speaker 1: you right now and then zipping it. When you were
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  Speaker 1: young and struggling with something hard, you wanted to feel understood.
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  Speaker 1: You probably wished someone would take away your challenge, but
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  Speaker 1: really you knew you could do it if someone could
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  Speaker 1: just be there beside you. Resilience is relational. We do
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  Speaker 1: hard things best, not when we tough them out on
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  Speaker 1: our own, but when someone is there beside us. And
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  Speaker 1: then the thing that I'm most proud of in this
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  Speaker 1: whole section, every young man wants to know do I
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  Speaker 1: have what it takes? By learning to love the hills?
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  Speaker 1: Your son's internal dialogue shifts. Rather than thinking how can
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  Speaker 1: I avoid this difficulty, he asks how can I grow
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  Speaker 1: through this difficulty? That single change turns obstacles into stepping
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  Speaker 1: stones in his character development journey, And then we can
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  Speaker 1: talk about moral wisdom. And there's a whole lot more
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  Speaker 1: the book. I love it. I'm really grateful that I
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  Speaker 1: had the opportunity write it.
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  Speaker 2: Well, if you're a parent of boys, this looks like it's.
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  Speaker 1: The book to get all right, So we've talked about
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: it all week. We've probably made a big enough deal
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: about it. If you're still with us and you're still
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: listening and you haven't bought it, either you don't have
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: a son by it for a friend, or maybe your
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: kid's two young, or we're just never going to get you.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: So we're going to stop talking about the book now.
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  Speaker 1: Tomorrow it's back to our regular I'll do better tomorrow programming,
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: and next week back to typical podcasts. We really hope though,
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  Speaker 1: that you've enjoyed our snippets, our sneak preview of what's
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: in the book, Boys Building Strong young Men from the
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: inside out, and again, my encouragement would be that if
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: it sounds like it's something that would be a benefit,
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: that you jump online and grab a copy, or go
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: in at your local bookstore and pick up a copy
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: and take it home with you to read. The book
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: is available right now. The Happy Families podcast is produced
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides our
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: admin and other support. If you'd like more in photo
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: make your Family Happier, visit us at happy families dot
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: com dot a