Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Ramon Tartas - Cena con millonaria

Transcript

Ramon Tartas - Cena con millonaria · Comedy Central Stand-Up

0:00
M Comity Central Podcast. Hahahaha Good night? Good night? Jaaa, good
0:25
night? Some of you may think that I say this to say something Good
0:30
night. It' s super well thought out. To start this show and
0:33
one day I get up a stage without thinking too much and I said hello,
0:36
hello, hello, four Japanese sitting in the front row. He got
0:38
up and they freaked out. Jar if all the jokes you have to comment
0:51
on between you until the pills I liked here this morning. Anyway, I
0:55
' m here today in the Slavic very happy. I' ve been treated
0:58
like a fucking waitress. He tells me you' re the bad guy,
1:00
I say yes and he tells me to watch you get warmed up. I
1:02
make you a cubata and put you a straw that I say if it is
1:04
to heat, I could do it backwards ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
1:14
Anyway, I introduce myself, I always present myself with the phrase that
1:17
my password wife has in her hotmail. I love you very much Alberto that
1:22
modito truth, my name is Ramón Tartas and I come from a small town
1:27
and Girona I don' t know if you know it called the beach of
1:30
hoop, what in English would be biach or coal hop and those that we
1:36
are from town And I, when I leave, I lose the pussy.
1:37
I heard about my house this morning. I put the GPS Madrid Calle Arenal
1:42
that when I just wrote a GPS was already in Zaragoza pussy and I give
1:47
it to the ok and give it what there is. The GP is done
1:49
to me so I say shit. I' ve had to resort to everything
1:55
typical to ask the abritas on the street and a ball, passing the dog
1:57
under the glass, I say I' m like I' m going to
2:01
fuck with the ball of the balls. I' m sorry, ma'
2:06
am I' m fine to go where I' m going, and the
2:09
lady' s whole show answers me straight. What do I say if I
2:13
didn' t say it, where I' m going. The only place
2:15
you can go is shit and it' s over there. And he said
2:20
second problem and came here today to isolate all love. Two chicks at the
2:24
door who were really hot. I step in the middle and when one of
2:28
us passes by he says to his friend Mira, Mira, Auntie, how
2:30
strong. This guy looks a lot like the one who fucks me last month
2:35
that, by the way, aunt a mess in bed we' re going
2:38
to see. I want to make it clear that I don' t look
2:40
like that guy at all. It is I who finish the foot. Tells
2:44
me you' re the typical cheap- eyed pencil guy who runs right away.
2:50
I say yes, I mean, you know that you' re the
2:52
typical aunt and you' re clear by moderate and functional. I say no,
2:55
because you' re so easy to ride, but I' ll flip
3:04
for a moment. I don' t know if you know it Today it
3:07
' s exactly two hundred days since the singer died This is the my wing
3:10
house, which I say is weird that she died with what the kid took
3:15
care of, not that they did the autopsy. The coroner saw his arms
3:16
and said pussy we liked them. You already have the road open, at
3:20
least not that now they were going to incinerate and jump to the coroner and
3:23
say don' t be animals that a bootahumeiru pussy will appear, but it
3:32
goes totally and I' m going to make a monologue. When the monologue
3:34
is over. If, for whatever reason, one of you doesn' t
3:37
like it, you have my permission, you can spit at me, you
3:42
can insult me, you can throw things at me I sweat. I'
3:44
m completely used to it. I have been eight and a half years of
3:46
regional football referee that one of you thought why Catalan pussy for pasta. Don
3:53
' t think about a game You get paid more than 100 euros in total.
3:54
You have to run ninety- five minutes ninety behind the ball, five
3:59
at the end of Adeno. The people who are after you first arbitrating party
4:01
in Madrid. I' m never gonna forget it. I touched a small
4:04
residential neighborhood of the periphili of Madrid, blessed bread, ja ja ja no,
4:13
that the one that I was there was me eh five minutes before passing
4:15
the game knocks at the door of my wardrobe. The patriarch of the blessed
4:18
bread gypsies comes into my locker room and tells me I' m subtitled.
4:25
Good afternoon. Collegial sir, hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I read in the newspaper that you
4:36
come from Chirona, that you strained you that half of us have been to
4:42
Chirona as well. People here talk mushumically and we do, but don'
4:46
t worry that I' m here to protect you and keep an eye on
4:48
you. And you' re not going to happen to Nina and I swear
4:51
to you by the Cross of the Christ of great power that I' ve
4:57
been hanging here in authentic gold of twenty- four kilobatio, that nobody'
4:59
s going to straw to you. Guy' s going to think hell bon
5:01
roll. Five seconds later he comes back in and tells me, but let
5:05
' s not lose that I say shit, I go out on the field,
5:10
field draw, throw the coin in the air he' s never seen
5:12
it again. We had to do the stone draw, paper scissors that jumps
5:17
to the Captain of Blessed Bread and tells me stone and paper. We don
5:20
' t smoke it here, I say curious poles. For the curious.
5:30
The match ended two to zero in favor of the team of Pan Bliss,
5:32
two goals of penalty. The usual bad guy always thought he was telling me
5:36
for sure that those penalties were doubtful by my balls, that they weren'
5:42
t invented directly. No, but not apart from that game, my mother
5:45
accompanied me back home. My mother in the car tells me look, my
5:47
son, I love you very much, but it' s the last time
5:50
she' s with you at a game of these. I say why,
5:53
' cause people talk more about me than you that smells ask for reason,
5:56
no, and that I' m hairy as a referee. And I have
5:58
problems in my personal life. I, for example, have on my Facebook
6:00
one hundred and eighty- five friends and eight thousand seven hundred and eighty-
6:06
nine enemies who write to me on my wall. You son of a bitch.
6:09
We' re gonna kill you. I put it, I don'
6:11
t like it. Another one gets me one day I don' t shit
6:15
on your father, it' s just like me and one even wrote me
6:17
one day. He fucks your mother yesterday. I' ll take her.
6:23
I know this guy. I' m going to answer him for once you
6:26
fuck, don' t presume so much dad pulled that me. I don
6:34
' t want to talk about Facebook here, which many comics have already talked
6:38
about Facebook, but I do have Facebook and it' s a thing that
6:40
surprises me that Facebook that shows that we' re ass fools, I have
6:44
four thousand eight hundred seventy- three friends and the guy comes out in the
6:46
picture. So I say you have a friend that I can take a fucking
6:49
picture and aside Facebook, it lacks things that puts status. I went to
6:56
the woods this afternoon with my girlfriend Mariona and our dog Dunia to look for
7:00
mushrooms in case we find tits that we tell you tonight at Tita' s
7:03
ball house and then we' ll watch a movie that you can put on.
7:06
I like it, I don' t like it, I mean foul.
7:10
The most important one is I sweat it, because that doesn' t
7:13
matter to anyone. Cost I take care that I, because of Facebook,
7:20
have been three months that I don' t talk to my mother. My
7:24
mother has signed up for computer courses for the insert I say, Mom,
7:29
why do you sign up for computer courses at your age, not to be
7:31
able to communicate with my friends. I mean, sign up for daughter courses.
7:36
Better, sir, see, my mom' s got the other day
7:46
telling me I' m going to see my friends I won' t be
7:48
back late. I say don' t fuck with you, I' ll
7:51
give you eight o' clock for my mother to go for a walk in
7:55
the cemetery with a friend who was cut off from her foot a month ago.
7:57
He' s got him buried and they' ll see that I say
8:01
this yes, that he' s a foot in the pussy grave and this
8:05
lady Catalana, when she got the bill to bury her foot, the very
8:07
smart aunt. He returned it with a note that he wrote and I'
8:11
ll pay for everything together with Miraguel. But since I' m talking about
8:13
cemeteries, I' ve come here a few days is a little rough for
8:18
me. Fifteen days ago my wife died. I' ve had three women
8:22
in my life. All three of them have left me. The first time
8:24
I always said you don' t have a personality, you don' t
8:28
know how to command, because he sent me to fuck. The second one
8:30
left me because he said I was unfaithful to him. It wasn' t
8:33
my fault, it was the drinking. I would go out with her on
8:35
a party, get drunk and double track and always fuck the one she wasn
8:39
' t. And the third one I said died 15 days ago. The
8:43
poor woman died in someone else' s bed and it was just this other
8:50
one who called me on the phone to give me the news and I asked
8:52
her what was typical. You know if he died suffering, he told me
8:56
he didn' t see that he was dead. While they were doing it.
8:58
I say make sure she' s monser, because when she did it
9:01
with me she looked dead, but no and the guy I' m just
9:07
calling me on the phone to go to her house to get the cold and
9:09
I get there and I call a very expensive hearse. I say fuck off.
9:11
I' ll take her in my car. I have a wide car.
9:15
I got a Nissan Micra, we put her in the car between the
9:18
two of us. When we put him in, I see that my wife
9:20
' s lover puts the belt that I say very well yes, sir,
9:24
so that he doesn' t kill himself and he starts driving and the Civil
9:30
Guard' s five kilometers of alcohol control, right in front of the slut
9:33
club the Horna whale, which I say I look at how well thought out
9:39
the kids waiting for their moms to get out of work and get to the
9:50
Colemia count under the glass. The Civil Guard stares at my wife, who
9:52
was white as paper and tells me that lady is his wife. I mean,
9:58
it was and I don' t want to know that I' d
10:01
have to drink grapes. I mean, it already takes twelve every end of
10:01
the year. Don' t touch me It' s the egg. I
10:03
don' t do the negative clemia control that by the way, you remember
10:07
the 17- or 8- year- old Alcolemia controls, that the blood
10:09
alcohol limit was zero eighty, zero eighty shit you went out of a completely
10:16
drunk party, you blew yourself out and you gave zero seventy- eight and
10:20
the Civil Guard told you. You saw nothing but the limit. I'
10:22
m saying I can' t fucking either. I do negative control to celebrate
10:26
it. I' m going to take four copichuelas to the club and when
10:31
I leave they stole my car with the cold inside. I call the Civil
10:33
Guard. Typical police question. You had some value inside the car. I
10:39
mean courage. The GP is the cell phone, the sunglasses are nothing more.
10:43
I mean courage. I don' t say later, he' s
10:46
also been to my wife who jumps the Civil Guard and says this guy is
10:50
my hero, he goes off to hookers and leaves the woman in the car.
10:50
Yes, sir, but when your wife dies, there are two essential
11:01
phone calls that you always have to make. First your mother- in-
11:05
law to give the news. I thought I' d tell you in a
11:07
subtle way. We' re not going to impact you, Mrs Antonia,
11:11
on the number of daughters that you had subtracted from one and the second way
11:16
you have to do is not important to me, but it' s a
11:20
lot harder than you have to make the mobile phone company to unsubscribe to the
11:24
mobile phone of the dead woman. There' s no balls. I'
11:28
m not going to explain. I' m gonna do it because it was
11:31
so that' s what I called the Seister and nine. This is what
11:33
happened one Catalan catalan decommissioning a mobile phone. Death, no, not that
12:30
the headline died and no longer needs it. They' re going to put
12:33
me through to an operator who speaks Catalan. You' re good afternoon.
12:50
You already have Don Gabriel Jesús José of the Department of Attention to Gilipolla and
12:54
this one I know here that you are Don Ramón Tarta Masager, tell me
12:58
please, where Ramon a name so I can address you. Chuck Norris,
13:16
this Mr Chuck, tells me the operator that you want the phone down.
13:22
Mobile deceased. I' ve passed away. Yeah, it' s me
13:33
this one why he wants to give you guys down the phone. I say
13:37
I know, because where they' re going to put me. I'
13:39
m not gonna have to cover, but it' s more than I'
13:43
m gonna call them freaking out Look. Let' s do one thing.
13:46
I give you the new billing address of the holder and you send him the
13:50
bills and agree, take note of streets of the souls at rest municipal cemetery
13:56
of the almudera that by fo. Thank you, but, well, 15
14:07
days ago my wife died. It' s all right and four days ago
14:09
my sentimental life laughed, a wonderful date with a multimillion- dollar girl from
14:16
Barcelona, a girl who had so much money that as a child when she
14:18
wrote the letter to the Magi I would put Dear Kings Magi, if there
14:24
' s anything you need for this Christmas, you just have to ask me.
14:24
I was afraid of pasta. I invite myself to dinner at the best
14:28
restaurant in Barcelona, which is called Messo Ston ship paidtituusiel translated Spanish, take
14:35
out the visa that we founded it and you arrive to this restaurants and you
14:39
have noticed that always receives you the same character, that is a metre faggot.
14:43
You get there and you get the guy. Good evening, Mr Felveny
14:54
Anstaran, and I look at you as French. No, sir, I
15:01
' m from Murcia, God, because stop fucking with me, not that
15:05
I have to be French. The whole Glamour thing. Well we sat at
15:09
the table Nuria which is what it' s called the millionaire. She'
15:11
s telling me poor shit she' s got a job to do. I
15:15
' m not saying, there' s no big deal. You' d
15:16
like to make yourself French for the day. I see I' d love
15:24
to, but with the ribs I don' t get pussy and sit down
15:33
and ask first I went. People think he was a word that sees French.
15:39
It wasn' t right. Since when you look at the letter and
15:41
see the price, you say fua. Hence the name of second Lubina comes
15:46
to the reduction of port. You, the bass and the port don'
15:52
t see them anywhere, but the reduction sure in these restaurants those little ones
15:56
like that, what a nuria that you do a lot of girls on me
16:00
tells me you. I can take a little bit of what I say Eat
16:06
your stuff I' d love to, but with the ribs I don'
16:07
t get wet. I say I was the caste and bequeath the moment to
16:17
choose the wine. For those who have no divine fucking idea like me,
16:21
in the Letter to the Right there is a little number followed by the euro
16:26
symbol. That' s a clue. You have to take neither the most
16:30
expensive nor the most baratio. Specifically I took one that was worth 180 euros,
16:33
the bottle and the metre always says the same thing. Excellent lesson.
16:37
Sir it is an exquisite good of one thousand nine hundred eighty and two that
16:44
I say one hundred eighty euros and expired sons of bitches, that comes the
16:48
metres with the bottle, the uncle gives me of cork and the faggot gives
16:51
me the cap, that I say keep it for you that you need more
16:56
than my pussy and thanks, and the uncle comes and serves me a ridiculous
17:03
supid in the cup. To taste it, how to taste the glass of
17:07
an expensive restaurant. You have to play a game that consists of trying to
17:11
get the wine out of the glass, so there are no balls. It
17:19
doesn' t come out. Then you have to read it, you'
17:26
ll freak out. It smells like wine. It always smells like wine.
17:32
There' s the typical understanding. This wine has cinnamon aromas. I say
17:34
cane bouquets will have your fucking mother wine or wine. The guy insists not
17:38
that he has cinnamon scents. I mean, dream, with you, what
17:42
you' ve given and fuck, that' s true. You and it
17:45
' s time to pay the bill. Comes the subway with the count with
17:48
an ear- to- ear smile like you' re going to shit.
17:52
Leave the count the table nuria picks up and says let me invite you.
17:55
Me, me. No. No, please, and I' m off
17:56
no, no, no, no, I insist on payment, I look
17:59
at the bill. He' s completely banned. I mean, okay,
18:02
you pay and Nuria pays with the platinum visa. Platinum visa is not left
18:04
in the term platinum visa. You have to throw it away with disgust.
18:07
Thus I make clear, I had not seen navi that plate in my life.
18:14
I say Nuria, I say Nuria this platinum visa thing that is and
18:17
Nuria explains it to me. The platinum visa. The same word says it
18:21
' s for exclusive people like me, for me it' s platinum.
18:23
I say aha and one when. Thank you, we have still paid well
18:36
for the metres with a box of cigars that invites us to pure pussy me,
18:38
who is Catalan. If it' s free, I' ll take
18:41
the fattest and it' s happened to us at the weddings these cigars give
18:42
you. So fat that you' re smoking half an hour and when you
18:47
' re dizzy lost, you look at the cigar and you see that it
18:51
' s added only two percent of the cigar that aside from the Treaty,
18:53
so much to endure the cigar with your mouth. You' re in pain
18:55
here that you' re really freaking out girls come out of the restaurant and
19:08
on the door of the restaurant have hung a picture of these modern art.
19:11
I stare at the painting and the metres come from behind to instruct me like
19:15
our latest picture of tasteful bojoolet. I don' t understand what the fuck
19:21
it is I explain to you, sir, this painting has the particularity that
19:25
if you look it upside down such that you have, you will be able
19:33
to see perfectly drawn the silhouette to city of Mahattan. What do you think
19:37
of the picture, sir I say you hung it upside down um normal and
19:41
now I' m leaving the restaurant and we' re going with Nuria to
19:44
have a drink to these bars that are now fashionable in drinks, which are
19:48
design that is nua. Nuria asks for an eighteen- year- old whiskey
19:52
that I say this aunt likes all the old stuff. When he gets on
19:55
my toledo ninety- four, he' s going to freak out and I
20:00
ask for a ginton and the waiter comes and he gives me ice gin grape
20:08
kiwi cucumber, strawberry, raspberryberry, lemon slice, orange slice. I mean,
20:12
I' m not paying you. I asked you to snton and you
20:15
put Macedonia on me. What' s wrong with people with the sintonics,
20:19
or fuck. We' re dumb on the lighted waiter. He gives me
20:22
his reasons. He tells me it' s not so you don' t
20:26
notice the taste of gin. So, thank you very much, son of
20:27
a bitch. If I didn' t want the taste of gin to show.
20:30
I would have asked you for a fluke, one me all that total
20:41
eggs I come out of the sea without a hard one. I' m
20:41
going to the ATM to get more money. I put the card in the
20:45
slot and from the ground I hear a voice that tells me you have a
20:49
cigarette. You can see it was the homeless residence of the cashier. I
20:55
give him the cigarette, the guy takes it and throws it in my face.
20:57
This is bullshit. It' s light, I mean light, it
21:03
' s nicotine- free, I mean, and you complain that you don
21:07
' t have nicotine, you don' t have carpet, you don'
21:11
t have a miserable couch, and we don' t know that. We
21:18
leave the bar and go straight to the hotel with Nuria, super luxury five
21:22
star hotel. I like the hotels of a lifetime, the hotels that you
21:26
ask for the key in reception and give you a key with a chain and
21:30
at the end of the canita a block of ice- cold concrete that if
21:33
you, pererror you come out with that key of fun, it seems of
21:37
the Doctor House that you can not walk, because here it is not.
21:41
Here' s a chip card for those of you who don' t know
21:44
what a chip is. A car of these pipe up the mountain all or
21:47
you hit him with the card, with the chip at the door of the
21:52
room. And there' s no fucking way to open that door. You
21:56
never know what to do with the card if you put it in, if
22:00
you put it in and take it out if I went through the null,
22:00
if I brought it in. So the total door half an hour to open
22:03
the door and when you enter there is no light, you lower the reception
22:07
and tell him of reception in the room there is no light and you say
22:11
uncle it is not that I tell you you put the card in a slot.
22:12
I mean, if there' s no light, I don' t
22:17
see the fucking pussy slot at the end with the cell phone, I see
22:19
the hrandura, I put the fucking card in. What a cool room.
22:21
You a bed of two meters for two meters, a fan on the ceiling,
22:25
an operation and it comes time to make love with nuria, luxury hotel,
22:30
water bed. You' ve done it once. In a water bed
22:34
it is impossible enough already to compare your movements with those of hers as to
22:41
be on top of the waves that you generate in the bed that if you
22:45
depart, you send nude to the ceiling and say nothing happens. So it
22:48
happens, because when he catches the fucking beater, he sends her to fuck
22:51
off. Sure, yeah, there' s no way to end the sex
22:53
act. I had to fake an orgasm. Ah ah, ah, you
23:03
' ll laugh it' s gonna be cando ha eight times. I get
23:07
to sleep, because guys, after taking a break, we only know how
23:10
to do three things or smoke or snoring or pay to go home. There
23:15
' s no other one. The next day I wake up, I put
23:19
on the chandal I say I' m going to run, as there is
23:26
one I could and it turns out that from these expensive hotel rooms you can
23:29
not leave. Why. Because hanging from the door there' s a little
23:33
letter that says don' t bother me saying what the fuck you' re
23:38
doing out of the hall so I can' t get out. I mean,
23:41
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
23:44
wait, wait, wait. I' ll turn it around. Worse,
23:45
I had to go to the vacuum cleaner, scrub the bathroom, clean the
23:48
dust. Ah you the room and apart you have noticed that there is behind
23:52
the door there is a plan with the floor of the hotel, which puts
23:56
a super curious instruction in case of fire. You' re here, I
24:03
say and now I' m burning, where the fuck am I fucking,
24:07
but good enough to say goodbye, I' m gonna leave you with Nuria.
24:10
It was a girl who taught me something very valuable, who taught me
24:14
how to make love with a woman and taught me how to do it in
24:17
a very didactic way. One day I came home, I found her naked
24:21
in bed, with her legs open and in the cave of love I had
24:23
put a picture of the King of Morocco that I say and this and tells
24:27
me to wet me, first I turn her around. And on the buttonhole
24:41
was a leaf of rose that I say and this and tells me petal,
24:44
for nothing, that' s all. Thank you so much, oh,
24:53
pleasure to be here. Thank you so much.