Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Great Things About Being A Single Mum

Transcript

Great Things About Being A Single Mum · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to reflect to reclaim and liberation of the podcast.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host every and love.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate in the relationship and life.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's often deeply supportive and interviews with other orders.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Alife and love completely aligned with your deepest desire to have it all on your own.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm joined on the podcast by Lucy Good.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Lucy is the founder of Beanstalk, which is an online platform that inspires and supports Australian single mothers with a range of resources and a large, I mean large, interactive, inclusive, very inclusive community.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to add in supportive as well.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Lucy's mission is to help single mums navigate the maze of separation and divorce and to confidently rebuild and embrace their new path in life.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: As well as having a blog and a podcast series of her own, she's the creator of You've Got This Single Mum e-Course, which has already been downloaded by over 2,000 single mothers.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: She's appeared several times on national TV, speaks regularly on national and local radio, and writes articles for online and print parenting, news, lifestyle, and business communities.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, Lucy.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It is great to have you on the podcast.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for having me on.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: It is really good to welcome you onto my podcast because I've already been on yours.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: So nice to be.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: You've done a lot for me.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: You've done a lot for me, Sally Ann, in terms of supporting my single mother audience.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: So it was nice to be able to come on and do something in return.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Which I guess leads to the first question I wanted to ask you, which is can you share a little bit about yourself, your single mum story, and also how you came to start Beanstalk?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, of course I can.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I've been a single mum now for around about eight years.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I'm a co-parenting single mum and a solo single mum.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um and that's because I have one of my daughters part-time, 50-50, and the other one I have full-time.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they do both have the same dad, so that just gives you an idea.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I kind of feel that's worked out quite well for my business because I can talk from a co-parenting and a solo parenting um space.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, so I uh I was I I met my husband, my ex-husband over here in Australia when I was travelling around, actually met him on Fraser Island.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um I was hitching and he picked me up.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um and uh he was from the UK.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we went back to the UK, we we got married and had our kids, and we started sort of just being a bit disillusioned by our marriage, and um, it was all getting a bit tiresome, which I know sounds awful.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: We're both party animals, and um, having kids kind of stopped us in our tracks.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: And um, we were struggling.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: We ultimately decided let's go back to Australia where we met and see if we can pull it together over there naively, because um, anyone who's done that kind of move will know that it is extremely stressful, probably up there amongst some of the most stressful life events.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but we did it, we we we managed to make it over here, we managed to get our visas to allow us to stay here, but it just put too much pressure on us, and we ended up breaking up.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: How old were you girls when you separated?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: They would have been around about, so um, my youngest was about six, and my oldest nine.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they're about, yeah.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I should say our oldest, our youngest.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: I hate it when I say my because they're our children.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but uh yeah, so they were quite young, and it was a very, I think it was quite shocking for them and also for um everyone around us because we were very much sort of passive aggressive with each other and we just built up a massive wall between us.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: We weren't shouters, we weren't people who argued, uh we but we were just drifting further and further apart.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: We were aware that where there were problems and we did try really hard um to work through them, even when we were in the UK.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: But it you we ended up having a business together over here, so that put even more pressure on it.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, so and we we broke up and it was an amicable breakup.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um things did get harder further along the line.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um but yeah, I I so I was a single mum on the other side of the world from all of my family.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: We'd been here for about three years, so I did have a network of friends, but I didn't have a you know that deep, strong network that you get from being somewhere and making friends over a long period of time.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I did feel quite lost and alone, and I, of course, like any woman does, and it's very much a female thing, I reached out for support and I couldn't find anything really to help me with that journey that I was going through of being a single mum, but I was pleased that I'd separated, and I was almost you know, there was a lot of sadness that it had happened, but there was also a lot of relief.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: I knew it had to happen, and I was excited about the fact that here we go, we're on another path in life, new journey, yeah, a new journey, and that kind of feeling from other people was unavailable to find it out there.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there was there was stuff for single mums, but more for single mums who were you know experiencing poverty or domestic violence, and you know, those support places are really wonderful, but not for the single mums who are experiencing relief and ready to reclaim joy or exactly, yeah.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: But it's a bittersweet feeling, and it's only it's one that only a single mum can understand.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's where my business came from.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: It was like there's a whole load of people who feel like me out there, and only we are the only people who who know what that feeling is, that bittersweet feeling of relief and joy mingled with sadness and worry and anxiety of being a single mother.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and where where where do you reach for support with that?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I couldn't find it.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: So that was where the idea for the business came from.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was the support that I was looking for.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So often happens.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty much why Reflect exists.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: So before we go on, can you just give the listeners a little who don't already know about Beanstalk?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Can you just give them a little snapshot of what Beanstalk is?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, of course.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's an online support space for single mothers from all walks of life and at all stages of the single mother journey.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: And when I say all stages, I mean what I call the crises period, which is when you first break up and you're going through a roller coaster of emotions, um, you don't know which way to turn, you don't know what to do first in terms of emotional, practical, financial issues, um, you know, family law, financial separation, divorce.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people, when they first split up, they think they've got to get divorced straight away.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, you're not even allowed to get divorced until after a year of splitting up.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, we don't know this.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: There's no manual for separation because none of us are expecting it to happen to us.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so we start at the crisis period with beanstalk, and we go right the way through.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so how to help your kids, solo parenting, co-parenting, blended families.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: So if you meet a partner, how to get back out there and start dating again, how to get back into bed with someone when you haven't done it for ages and you're completely conscious of your body.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, how to start a business, how to get on a new career track.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and of course, you know, the the household tips and the time-saving things.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: So, everything for that journey of the single mother, because, like I said before, it's different for us single mums.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Everything we do, we're kind of doing it with one hand tied behind our back.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: So we have to be extra smart when we do things.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: So the advice on Beanstalk is tailored towards all these different things, buying a home, but buying a home as a single mum, completely different to buying a home as a partnered couple.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, 100%.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so yeah, I I try and cover everything and it's endless.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think ever in my life will I manage to include everything on that website that I want to.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I like too that when you're on there, sometimes um, sometimes someone who's well ahead of you on the journey, like well ahead, maybe five, 10 years ahead of you, will pop back and say, I remember that, and you know, you're gonna be okay almost.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just just that um validation that things get better, or yes, you're doing a good job.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's always someone who's one, two, ten, twenty steps ahead of you in Beanstalk, which I really, really love about the community.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, there is.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we've even got um grandmothers on the this the Facebook group, single mum grandmothers, who um well, one of my admin on the Facebook group, the Single Mum Vine, she's a grand a single mum grandmother, and her daughter's on there as well.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: And her daughter's just had a baby.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's just fantastic.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so the sort of advice you're getting from those people is really helpful, and that's the idea.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's about saying, you know, someone might come on there with with a problem, and then you know, just to hear that you know, I was there and this was my solution, and I'm doing really well now.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's about giving people hope and making people realise that it's not something you need to feel down about being a single mum, because look, we're all single mums and we're all aspiring and achieving, and we're all really happy, and you're going to get to this space as well, and we're the proof of that.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: We are the proof of that.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to ask you about what do you think are some of the stories or the myths or the misconceptions about the single mother journey and how can we reframe them?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Both I guess both as single mums ourselves and as a society or a community in general.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, look, um, I've just brought my little list I made up here because um I knew you were going to ask me this question, and I thought, well, I've got to be really careful that I don't talk nonstop because I've got so many answers for you around the myths surrounding single mothers.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: And in fact, there is an article on my website um called um single mothers busting the myths.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so if anyone wants to really have a look into them all, but I just picked a few off of there.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: But um, a lot of people think that single mums are negative and bitter, um, and uh and that's not true because there was actually um a survey done in the age, and 94% of single mothers surveyed were optimistic about the future.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that's a higher optimism than any other group, and that's where I sit.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, as soon as I was separated, and yeah, as I say, it wasn't just happiness and relief, there was a lot of sadness, but the happiness was because I was feeling optimistic about the future at last.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas when I was married, I wasn't.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh God, this is it, it this isn't working.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: I had a new start at life.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: We're not negative and bitter, we might be for a little bit, um, but ultimately, once we get onto that path and we've spoken to lots of other empowering women, we're optimistic and happy people.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, often people think that single mums are usually teenagers.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Not true.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, most single mums are over 30 and less than three in a hundred are a teenager.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: And in fact, on my website, because I do a lot of research and I've got a lot of social media platforms that give me the analytics, um, we have more um in the group of 35 to 45 than we do in that younger group, which I think is quite an interesting um statistic as well.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: There is that myth around young teenage single mums, isn't there?
• 12:58
  unknown: There is.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've that there is, um, and um when I do any marketing now for my business to get the word out about anything, I don't even spend any money um pushing it out to the younger audience because the single mums are all in the heart, well, mostly in the higher age bracket.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I know that as a fact from my from my business, but there's also been a lot of surveys out there worldwide.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, there are some young single mums, and we do have them on our group, and we love them.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: We love mothering them and talking to them and telling them what to do and how to do it, and following their journey.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: But um, you know, usually it's people who have given their marriage or their partnership a really good go, tried everything, and it hasn't worked.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: So later on in life they have to kind of throw in the towel and um and live separately and hopefully more happily.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and another one I just wanted to mention, Sally Ann, is um that we sponge off the government.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, just not true.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: The majority of sole parents who are receiving the parenting payment, um, they will only be on it for about three years.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: They come off of it because uh they manage to support themselves because their income will increase.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: And something that we see a lot on Beanstalk is single mums who have just separated and then they want to um train, you know, go back to university and train for a new career, um, or they really want to aspire and do well in their work.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: We've got single mums on the group who are in all sorts of really good, high-flying positions.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and and there we are women who want to be able to support ourselves.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: We don't want the government handout, but yes, I always encourage people to take it when you need it, but always to aim for more to be able to support yourself because that's an empowering thing.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, and when we empower ourselves and step into that that part of a single parent journey, single mother journey, then we teach our kids and we show our kids, and then we in turn empower our kids to step forward.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we really do, yeah.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: And that's of course what my e-course is all about.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's about if you can improve your own life.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I say my e-course, but the whole of Beanstalk, as single mums, we focus so much on our children, we almost give up our entire lives because we're driven through a kind of guilt.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: We feel guilty that we split up and we haven't given them this perfect family, which was our plan, and it's all fallen apart, and so we feel terribly guilty about that, and we we we just then sacrifice our souls for our kids.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then of course the kids grow up and they my kids are teenagers, I know yours are, aren't they?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Sally, they don't want anything else to do with you, they're off and running, and you're left sitting on the kids.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: They should be you're left reeling, thinking, God, what was all that about?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: That went so quickly, that parenthood thing.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, they they they don't want you to be all about them, they want to see you doing other things with your life.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and they will role model that in their own behaviour now and in the future.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Were there any other myths that you wanted to bring up?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, there are loads of them, loads of them.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I could go on.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't I was I I I thought I'd just pick the top three.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, that's fine.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's fine.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: I just wondered whether you had any others on your list.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: But if anyone wants to, um yeah, if anyone wants to have a look at more of them, go to the website, tap myths into the um search engine, and I think the articles are it it's called single mother myths that are complete bullshit.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: Excellent.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'll also put it in the show notes as well.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'll put I'll put a direct link so people.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry for swearing, feel free to bleep me out.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: I won't be bleeping out.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I am a swearer.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know, so am I.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so my next question for you is if you could go back to the very beginning of your single mother journey, is there anything that you would change or do differently if you had your time over?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, very yeah, there were only any the kids, yeah.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was a really interesting question.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so often the one asking the question, Sally, and that it's it's interesting being asked questions and it it really made me stop and think.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: Something that we don't do enough.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um I look back and I think, oh, that was a really hard part, or maybe I shouldn't have done that.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: That bit seemed like a bit of a waste of time.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: But I believe everything that got me, everything I did, however difficult it seemed, is part of what got me to where I am today.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: So when I look back at um when I first separated, I ended up having a full-time and more job as a marketing manager.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: That um just was so difficult to do with two young kids.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: At the time I had both of them 50-50.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: But that job was what made push me towards deciding to start my own business.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, however, hard that was, it was part of a really important decision that pushed me to where I am today.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I believe that everything that I went through was just part of the process to get me here.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if I had to change two things looking back, there are two things I would change.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: They might not be the kind of answers you were looking for, but I would have stopped drinking sooner.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: I I I was uh I became a quite a heavy drinker during my single mum years because I didn't have to be accountable to anybody and I was really highly stressed, and I believe it's a massive problem in society with women mums having so many balls to juggle um and no spare time, and so they do turn to having a um a glass of wine or two or three at home, and I became that mum, and yes, it did in some ways, it helped me, drove me through the nights where I had to work all night, but I have stopped now and I've stopped for 10 months, and I think I'm a much better mother for it, and now I know what life is like now.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I'd done it sooner, and I think it would have made everything easier.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: And the other thing I would have done sooner, which I do now, which I believe is really, really helping me and would have helped me right at the beginning when I was a single mum, and it's gonna sound so cliche, but it's meditating, yeah.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I meditate twice a day for 20 minutes, and I know when people hear that, they think, where does she find the time?
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: But once you start and you see the impact that it has on your life and on your ability to mother and to manage everything and to prioritize and to remain calm and to sleep and to be energized, it is amazing.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I only wish I'd discovered it sooner because it would have really powered me through.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I can't agree more.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: I do the same, although of late I've I've not been great in my afternoon meditation.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: So you're gonna empower me to pick that back up, pick that ball back up again.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to think 40 minutes a day, where am I gonna find that?
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have time to do whatever.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I totally agree.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: It has been a game changer for me, absolutely.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I find yeah, it just rolls over into your um to your non-meditating time.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: I find I have more time the more I meditate.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it does more creative, I'm more productive, I'm more effective.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, I agree.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so I I actually I've got a couple of articles on the website about meditating, and I try not to sort of push one thing that I do too much, but I I because I sort of sound like I'm preaching.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: But uh yeah, I mean I I agree with what you just said in that it's it's so much more than just that 20 minutes of sitting down meditating, it's how it affects your life um the rest of the day.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I would encourage anyone who's stressed out or unhappy or just overwhelmed to consider doing it.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: I do transcendental meditation, but there are so many different types.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you can you can have a go online um on these apps which give you a free trial, but to really stick at it, give it three months, see how it makes you feel.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and I guarantee once you start, you will you'll find time for it.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's addictive.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's interesting on reflection that both of those two changes that you would make, Lucy, they're about presence, they're about being actually present because I think a lot of the time um as single mums, busy mums juggling all the balls in the air, it's hard to be present.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, taking a bit of taking a sip of wine, having a couple of glasses, half a bottle, whatever at the end of the day, it just takes that edge off.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, sure, but you're not present.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: And meditation is is simple.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: similar thing.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's about bringing back bringing yourself back to the moment.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that that's interesting that they're the two big changes that you would choose.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well I think that I think as you um you know you don't want to be present sometimes.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: You're so bit bloody busy.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: You just want a little bit of escapism.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: And the quickest and easy way to do that is to open a bottle of wine.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: And the other thing I might just mention here if you don't mind because this is a message I'd really love to get out as well because I've got the two teens my my I've got a 15 year old daughter and an 18 year old daughter.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I always believe that your kids need you more when they're younger boy was I wrong and I wish somebody had told me that your teenagers need you more than ever.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: So you've got so many people and I see them every day you know looking after their younger kids and building up to a life when they're going to have a bit more freedom when their kids are older when they're sort that's what they're imagining.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't work like that.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: My teens need me more than ever now even my 18 year old and she even said to me a couple of weeks ago Mum I'm so glad you're one of those mums who's always at home your teens they your children need you more as teens than they do in their younger years.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying they don't need you in those younger years but I don't want people to plan a life thinking oh I'm going to be able to go out and you know go work or travel or something when my kids are a little bit older because that is when they need you the most and they're desperate they they they need them they won't admit it but they need mum to be around yeah absolutely they need that connection they need it's almost like you are their safe touch zone or their their home place you wouldn't know it the way they uh treat you and another reason to meditate when you're bringing up teens now you talk a lot Lucy about really embracing our single motherhood and I wondered if you could just expand on that a little bit what do you mean when you say that and why do you think embracing our journey as single mothers is important.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well I always put it that we're on a new path we're on a different path to the one we expected you know it wasn't part of my life plan to be a divorcee.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: I can tell you that when I married I married because I was madly in love and I 100% believed that we were going to be together forever.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think the fact that this has happened I'm still a little bit shocked by it really um but I always know that I experience great love the biggest love you can have and um I'm happy about that.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: But my path is very different to the one I thought I was going to be on.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing I can do about that except make that particular path that I'm on a good one.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: Embrace it.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I think once in I I use the word embrace but another good word is accept.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: Acceptance is really important.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's important for the single mum journey right from the very beginning when you're going through all the practicalities and the separation with the financials you have to accept that things have changed you get some things are going to get better some things are going to be worse nobody's going to end up there's there's no winning or losing here.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: The minute you've accepted what your new situation is then you can start rebuilding your life the way that you want to and when you do that you start to feel empowered and that's where I use those words such as empowered and embrace because you're in control for the first time in a long time and it may feel really scary to be that one in control.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: It is scary being the only one in charge of the finances I mean I'm getting a new kitchen done and it's been a really scary experience because I'm having to make all the decisions myself and I'm like what if it goes in and I don't like it you know I haven't had anyone to share um ideas with but having said that I then spoke to my cousin who's in the UK who's happily married and she's just had a new kitchen and she said oh God she said you're lucky she says our kitchen is just a mishmash of compromises she said neither of us have got what we want um so yeah so the word embrace is about saying you know yes um I'm gonna I'm gonna enjoy this new path and I'm gonna make it everything I want it to be rather you've got a choice we've all got a choice we can sit looking back desperately at that old path and wishing that one was had worked for us but it hasn't the fact is we want a new path we're going to embrace it and we're gonna make the very most of it and that's why Beanstalk is all about looking at the good parts of single motherhood rather than dwelling on the bad parts we know there's bad parts there's bad parts to everybody's life but I don't believe that there's very much values um in going over and over that instead look forward keep going and you know think of the future and what you really want.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah so it's about being future focused as much as anything isn't it it is looking forward accepting that okay that was that's part of my story but it's no longer you know the white picket fence the happy ever after fairy tale that we're all sold as you know the reality it that's not my journey anymore and focus on what is in front of you rather than what you thought it was going to be.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: And make the decision to embrace it rather than sit there feeling bitter and upset that it isn't what you thought it was going to be.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean whose life is really what they thought it was going to be no one.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: Life is full of curveballs.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah you don't know what's going to happen from one day to the next so all you can do is make yourself healthy and get your mental health in place so that you can handle all the changes that are going to be thrown at you and to know that you're strong enough to deal with them on your own and that's a great feeling as well.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah there's a liberation to once once you embrace your journey as a single mum there is actually a liberation to it and you know you used the example of making all the choices about your new kitchen.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah that's scary because you're the only one doing it but also you're the only one responsible for it.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're the only one you don't have to negotiate you don't have to have the mishmash mishmash of compromise that your cousin's got it's yours.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's your story you get to write it.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: So lovely and they also that there are mistakes to make if you know there's no one there's no blame apart from to yourself like okay I made a mistake I should have perhaps got the darker coloured cupboard oh well I can't I'm I haven't got anyone to have a go at about it so let's just move on with life shall we it's very liberating and but it does take a while to get to that stage and I don't want people listening to this who have just become single parents to think you know I I don't feel liberated I feel terrible and that's fine you know you've got to go through a whole variety of different emotions and I'm very much for going through them there are bad parts to this journey go through them deal with them it's like grief it's about getting acceptance you know you have anger acceptance and then you you can start to deal with it but you will find that there is liberation in there and that just feels amazing.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah you just you don't have to it's not that you don't have to think about anybody else that's the wrong that's the wrong phrase but you can really choose make decisions and choose for you and for your children but predominantly for you because if you're choosing for you then it's going to be of benefit for your children as well of course it is and if you anything that you do succeed at is all yours.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: Your whole win you can take the whole lot of it you did it yourself absolutely and and I think I think when we talk about things like this it's wonderful if you've got a partner who's on the same path as you and you're both really in agreement with so many things and you both absolutely want the same thing from life.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean that is just wonderful but we're talking about people who've come out of a relationship because their relationship has broken down the communication has broken down they've grown apart so after you've been with someone and trying to keep them happy and you're both so different suddenly not having to worry about that other person is is yeah it's a great feeling freedom okay that leads me to the next question.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: What do you and you sort of touched on some of this but I'd really like to ask you because as you said you don't get asked the questions very often you're the ask what do you Lucy personally love about your life as a single mum pretty much everything I couldn't imagine it any other way I I yeah like we've just spoken about the freedom to make my own choices um I like to be able to be the mother that I want to be um role modelling the values that matter to me to my kids um and that's a lot easier with my daughter that I've got 100% of the time and she is really turning out to be a mini me like my creation no I no she's not she's absolutely her own person but I'm noticing in the way she talks perhaps even to her boyfriend and the way she's growing up that I've instilled my values into her and you know I know my values are good.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know we have two main values for our household and that's kindness and respect.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: You only need two because if you follow those two you've got everything else it umbrellas everything good in the world with kindness and respect.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_01: And even with my younger daughter who goes back to her dad he parents completely differently to me.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: When she's with me I still have that opportunity to be the parent I want to be um when you're in a partnered um relationship and you're bringing up kids it's very you've got to you've got to sort of stand united and and again that's about giving away part of what you believe in to to allow your partner's beliefs to come in there.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: But I am absolutely the mum that I want to be teaching and um raising my kids as I want them to be not as I want them to be that sounds controlling but with with the values that I find are important and um I think that's what I like most about being a single mum.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: I've I've enjoyed mothering I think I've become a better parent since I've been a single parent it's been harder but it's been more rewarding and it's there's been more clarity around what I really want to be.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think as single mums we lose sight of who we are in in um first of all in our relationship that we're in and then in the fact that the relationship is going downhill and then when you become a single mum and life is so busy it's like who am I?
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: I I can't even remember who I am it's about finding who you are and being that person openly in front of your kids and then taking notes.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I've been I think my favourite part of it all is is being a mum to my kids.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm honoured to be their mum so good so good and again I think coming into that is that um that you can just stand solid in exactly who you are um and and I was gonna say with no compromise that's not quite true that's not quite right but it really is just owning who you are as a woman as a mother as a single mother and and embracing it and stepping forward without having to be impacted by a partnership or thrown off course.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yep I love it that's right um and if any single mums out there have been in a really deep horrible dark place they may well have have used Lifeline and they're an absolutely excellent charity um so I I like to try to give back with everything that I do but my course is all pretty and beautiful with lovely worksheets in it and some gorgeous videos and um lots of ways to make your life better as a single mum but what's interesting about it is that it actually comes from a really deep dark place inside of me because as we sort of touched on Sally and my um you know my journey as a single mum was very lonely um and I I did suffer from addiction and I also suffered and I still do suffer from a chronic illness which um is um it's it there's no cure for so it makes my life very difficult on a daily basis and a lot of people out there who follow Beanstalk and they're on the single mum vine don't realise that about me because I do tend to keep that quite private in the nature of the rest of that space which is I'm not going to share all the crap bits of my life I'm just gonna share with you the wins because I believe the bit they're the bits that make the difference to other people but yeah I sort of had to claw my way out of a dark a dark hole um so uh with all these difficulties I also suffered from um clinical depression so I was working full time at one point contracting trying to set up beanstalk uber driving and um trying to be a single mum and so yeah I I feel that I I was very lucky in many ways I didn't suffer um DV, I wasn't on the poverty line, but I really really struggled to get my my head above water and the course is a culmination of how I did that but put into pretty worksheets um so it's about my learnings from talking to and I speak to hundreds of single mums every day um including Christmas day um holidays I am always chatting to single mums um and I kind of see myself as a bit of a think tank of um of modern day single motherhood.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: So it's about learning from other single mums knowing what single mum challenges are not just mine because a single mum is not just a single mum there's a whole range of single mums out there at different stages of the journey with unique problems but there's something about us that is united and we do have very similar challenges.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I've taken those challenges that single mums have and I've put them into this course and I've given people tools to deal with them.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: So the course starts with self-assessment very similar to what I was talking about.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_01: Basically the first exercise I ask you to get a mirror and look in it you know who is this woman looking back at you because you may not have actually looked in the mirror properly for a long time you know what's inside what's outside how do you feel and then it's about working out what it is you really want from your life you don't have to worry about someone else's dreams anymore what do you want and a lot of single mums haven't thought about that.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then we work through the practicalities of life trying to put things in place getting that balance back sorting out time getting your finances in place tidying everything up so you know who you are you know what you want you've got a nice tidy life and then at the end we've got the two life enhancing modules where we go about getting those things for you and everything that you learn on the course there's a way to take that into you know it's not just about doing a course and then walking away every exercise you can do it in your real life bit by bit and as you make changes they turn into habits and once you've got a new habit good habit in your life your life is getting better and you don't need to worry about it it's a habit move on to the next thing so it's for single mums who are just struggling and they're not really sure how to move forward with their life and these women they're so clever they can do it but as a single mum they just need a bit of guidance and that's what the course does yeah I love it and I must admit I loved the looking in the mirror exercise you know way back for me it's a long time ago that I started on that journey but the looking in the mirror exercise in I think it was in an earlier iteration of your of your e course.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yes yeah because I do I update the course as I notice new challenges happening and certainly with COVID in the world at the moment things are changing for people and the the wonder of an e-course and anything online is I can update it as I go along and yeah I mean that face in the mirror was because and and no word of a lie I can remember in my craziest busiest days as a single mum I once remember catching sight of myself in a shop window and I you know it was a fleeting thing but I thought who is that and then it's like it's me I it you know it was just a really really really a a second in time yes a millisecond of who's that person because I hadn't stopped for so long.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that's some that's where your work and my work are really closely aligned in that redefining who the bloody hell you are as you're navigating this journey and really anchoring into that and taking that taking the time to reflect and to look at who you are and who you want to be and how you're going to integrate all of that into your life.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I I love you I love your e-course thank you for thank you thank you for getting that baby out into the world.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_01: And it's great what you do as well I mean as you say it's along the same lines it's about you know once you once you've got those things in place redefined who you are and know where you're going that just makes your life today so much better because you know you've got a plan you know you're heading somewhere rather than thinking oh God I'm just treading water here I I'm sort of floating backwards it's you know where am I going with my life on those down moments um on the when you're really tired and you think oh God it what why am I doing this?
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_01: How did it end up like this?
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can think no I've got a plan I know what I want I've got things in place to get there.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_01: I just got to get through this moment in time.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_01: So it's about quality of life today and it's about the future and having something to look forward to nothing more important than having something to look forward to in life even if it's just a cup of tea and a piece of cake.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_01: And your afternoon meditation I'm looking forward to that yeah afternoon meditation yes and I will be checking up on you Sally to make sure that you're doing it.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: All right now for my lucky last question um I like to ask my podcast guests if they could play one song or could choose one song for our audience and for you and I that is single moms.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_01: If you could choose one song to play for single moms what would it be yeah I had to think about this for a while and I thought I know I'm gonna end up showing my age here I have lots of mums put things on the single mum find oh I've just found this really cool empowering tune and I'm like I've never heard it before I'm sure my kids will have heard it.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_01: No so I've gone a roundabout way with this one um my tune is slipping through my fingers by Abba the tune from Mama Mia um which is um the the the words I'm not going to sing it but school bag in hand she leaves home in the early morning and it's about um your children um moving on from you and it's a really it's kind of my daughter's and my song and we we often cry when we listen to it because I feel sad because it reminds it makes me think of when they do move on and you know how sad that will be when they go travelling or whether they get work somewhere else.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's so powerful because it reminds me of this massively strong bond I've got with them and I think that comes from being a single mum.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_01: And my daughter just turned 18 and she made a little video on her phone of all the events of her 18th birthday and she used that music in the background.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: And um yeah so it's not so much about being a single mum but it's about the bond between mum and daughter or mum and child and how that has strengthened through single motherhood.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah I love that I hope that's okay have I have I that is no that is absolutely absolutely perfect and I love it because I think too that my bond with my children is stronger for having been a single mother for the majority of their lives really strong.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah and that that yeah I do when I was thinking about um the questions that I was going to ask you you know one of my favorite parts of being a single mum is not dissimilar to what you were saying in that you know you can parent and you can mother exactly the way you want to it's similar to that and also it's about the strength of that team that we are we are a team of three.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes yes their dad is absolutely a part of still a part of our family and we talk about I talk about him still being a part of our family.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_00: But one of my favorite parts of being a single mother is that we're a really strong team and I've really instilled that into the into the kids.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that song is absolutely perfect and it's also reflecting you know it also reflects that bittersweet of you want you want to raise children who who become young adults who go out into the world and leave us.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we do.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_00: But there's the bittersweet there's the sadness to it too so thank you.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_01: And that single it's harder as single parents to let them go because you know when you're when you're partnered your kids move on and then you have your partner still but as a single parent and it and it's and it's it's coming up for me.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's not going to be long when that happens I'm my my oldest is saving to go traveling around Australia.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_01: So little does she know I'll be on a flight to go to get a meet up with her but yeah I mean I I I can't get my head around the fact that one day she won't be here all the time um that's a that's going to be a big thing and that's definitely a unique feeling not to say partnered parents don't won't miss their children when they fly the nest but as a single parent it's just a different feeling.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah it's just slightly different isn't it I agree like everything for single parents everything's just that little bit different.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah yeah it's it is just ever so slightly different to a to a partnered um partnered journey.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well Lucy thank you so much and as we said before we started recording you and I could talk about this for hours and hours and hours but we might stop there for today and perhaps we can have another conversation another time but thanks so much for your time I have just loved sharing space with you.
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah you too always and I look forward to continued work together and helping more and more single mums.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely and I'll drop all of the links to Beanstalk to the article that you mentioned to the ABBA song all of that I'll drop in the show notes so people know how to connect with you.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_01: Great thank you so much and thanks for having me on.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_00: No problem thank you.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell Relationship Coach and you've been listening to Reflect, reclaim and liberate you can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode please please share it with them.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of reclaim and liberate until then