Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 200. #2 Top Episode of 2025: Why Talking to Your Adult Kids Feels So Hard and How to Fix It!

Transcript

200. #2 Top Episode of 2025: Why Talking to Your Adult Kids Feels So Hard and How to Fix It! · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting.
• 0:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey Mama, this is Pamela and you're listening to the Midlife Mama podcast.
• 0:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: The podcast for moms who want to know how to launch their kids and enjoy their empty nest.
• 0:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am your host Pamela Hinklman.
• 0:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am a certified, empty nest coach and mama of five adult kids.
• 0:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Most empty nest moms struggle to let go, maintain healthy boundaries and find their purpose.
• 0:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: On this show, I'll be your compassionate guide to help you launch your kids and enjoy life with your husband in your empty nest.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: My hobby and I are loving this phase of life and I have strong relationship with my five grown kids.
• 0:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be sure to listen to the end because each episode I'll have a coaching tip.
• 0:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is one actionable step that can improve your relationship with your adult children or your husband.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have one request.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you found this episode helpful, would you please leave a rating and review?
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you review the podcast, it helps it be distributed to more listeners.
• 1:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's a link in the show notes on how to leave a review.
• 1:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be sure to follow or subscribe to the podcast so you can find the episodes later.
• 1:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's get started!
• 1:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're counting down my most listen to episodes of 2025 and coming in at number two is episode 163, while talking to your adult kids feel so hard and how to fix it.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: In real time, this is airing on Christmas Day and the significance is not lost on me.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: So while you're sipping hot cocoa or going for a post dinner walk, pop in your earbuds and listen.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll be reminded that peace doesn't come from perfect conversations.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: It comes from hearts willing to listen and love.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Merry Christmas, Mama.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Enjoy this repeat episode.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, Mama!
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever asked your adult child this?
• 1:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can we talk?
• 1:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: It seems like an easy question, but moms and their children often feel frustrated with each other when they want to communicate.
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Multiple barriers can keep these treasured family members from communicating effectively.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Moms understand things have changed, but why does talking to your grown kids often feel like we miss each other completely?
• 2:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: One feels misunderstood while the other feels disrespected.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Engine rises while kids want to retreat, moms feel rejected, and each party hurts.
• 2:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's got to be a better way.
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Knowing the barriers to watch out for can help you adjust accordingly so that the conversation flows easily.
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's look at some obstacles and ways to overcome them.
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, unspoken expectation.
• 2:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't, don't, don't, don't.
• 2:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You moms may expect certain behaviors, like regular check-ins and holiday traditions or faith practices without clearly expressing them, while adult children may have different priorities.
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's the solution.
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Expectations often lead to disappointment.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would say 100% of the time.
• 3:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: That has been my experience.
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So listening to what your child needs in this season is so helpful, flexibility combined with grace will aid in deeper understanding for you and your adult child.
• 3:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: The second barrier is shifting roles and boundaries.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's tough to transition from a parent child dynamic.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: to an adult to adult relationships, moms may struggle to step back while their adult children want independence.
• 3:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: The tension is palpable as each is learning their new role.
• 3:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: So here's the solution.
• 3:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Except that this is a season of supporting your child instead of dictating how they live.
• 3:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Allow them to be autonomous.
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: We talk about this so much on here.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your adult child wants to live separately from you.
• 3:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your child is meant to stand on their own as they navigate adulthood.
• 4:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: The third barrier, differing faith perspectives.
• 4:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: If an adult child has walked away from the faith or interpreted differently, conversations about faith, values, and life choices can feel tense or avoided altogether, you often feel like a failure if your child has changed their views.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they feel like they've disappointed you and may try to avoid you altogether.
• 4:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a wonder we have such a hard time talking about faith differences.
• 4:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's the solution.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to invite your child to a conversation about their faith.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you to listen for understanding.
• 4:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are not trying to change their view.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want to hear their heart.
• 4:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not your job to change them.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's God's job.
• 4:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen and support, continue to love them without judgment.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Pray God will reach them with His love.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Barrier number four, fear of rejection or disapproval.
• 5:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mom's may hesitate to share their feelings out of fear of pushing their children away, while adult children may avoid specific topics to prevent disappointing their parents.
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can you feel the poll?
• 5:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can you feel the tension?
• 5:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Both party hurts, and you can't find your way through.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's the solution, work on creating an environment of mutual respect, have empathy and validate your child when they share and opposing view, lead with love as you cultivate compassion in kindness instead of disapproval and distance.
• 5:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have to understand that younger generations may communicate differently.
• 5:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: They prefer texting to phone calls, and you may be annoyed with that, and I need you not to be.
• 5:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: We need to lean into the form of communication that our child prefers.
• 6:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's okay.
• 6:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: We also need to understand that they may prefer to keep some things to themselves.
• 6:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's okay.
• 6:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's normal.
• 6:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: in the know about everything.
• 6:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: The sooner you accept that, the more peace that you will have, you also need to understand that they may not value family time as much as you do.
• 6:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think there's been a real shift in our culture.
• 6:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to think about my parents' generation was all about family and Sunday dinners.
• 6:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: With my generation, we slowly moved away from that and so imagine our kids
• 6:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: they view family.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not wrong.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just different.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when we understand that we will have more peace and harmony in our relationship.
• 6:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: So here's the solution to generational and cultural differences.
• 6:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Ask them how often and how they want to talk.
• 6:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: They might prefer a phone call, FaceTime, or texting.
• 7:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I think about my five kids, we all talk in different ways.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And how often we communicate is also very different.
• 7:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I try to go with them.
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I try to allow them to take the leave and what they need most, what they prefer most.
• 7:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you should be able to have this conversation.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember,
• 7:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: That conflict should never be handled via text because you cannot decipher, intent or emotion behind it.
• 7:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So get used to having conversations, but let your child lead.
• 7:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: The sixth barrier is over-involvement or under-involvement, imagine having both some moms may offer advice that feels intrusive while others may withdraw too much out of fear of overstepping, and that leaves the child feeling unsupported.
• 7:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: We don't want to do either.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: We kind of want to go a little more in the middle.
• 7:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the solution to this,
• 8:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: is that awareness is crucial.
• 8:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: You must understand that you have to step back if you're overly involved.
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have to look at the cues.
• 8:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you are constantly longing to talk to your child, be with your child.
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Know what's going on then you're probably overstepping.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you only give advice when asked, and I know that's hard, but our children will ask for that, but most of all, they want us to listen to their perspective.
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your child will appreciate this immensely if you don't give unsolicited advice.
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, if you sense that your child feels adrift and unsupported, then you need to pay attention.
• 8:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: We don't want to abandon our children.
• 8:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: We want to do things for them, but we don't want to go to the other side when they feel utterly adrift and unsupported.
• 8:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So pay attention, watch for cues.
• 8:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then act accordingly.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number seven.
• 9:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: is emotional baggage and past hurts.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hello.
• 9:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think all of us deal with this barrier.
• 9:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you have unresolved conflicts, past parenting decisions or misunderstandings can linger and make open communication difficult.
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Kathy, I'm cunning him, had a post up today about.
• 9:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Kind of the story we tell ourselves about the relationship and instead of having honest communication, we create this story.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: your child creates their own version and you create your own version and then this story grows bigger and the conflict gets larger and then we avoid a communication.
• 9:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, the solution is to have courage as you apologize for past hurts, have courage to have a conversation, you simply bring it up and you say, gosh, it seems like
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're growing apart.
• 9:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: It seems like there's changed tension.
• 9:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can we talk about it?
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then truly listen.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember to tell your child that you were doing your best with the information you had as a parent.
• 10:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you own your mistakes, this brings life to our children.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then you in turn can seek to understand them, seek to understand their perspective, where they're coming from, how they were hurt by you.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: and this is going to require humility and grace, but you can do it.
• 10:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Barrier number eight to communication is busyness and life demands.
• 10:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Adult children, juggling careers, marriage, and parenting may not communicate as often, which moms may misinterpret as a lack of love or respect.
• 10:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your child is simply busy being an adult.
• 10:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: They aren't always think of you and that's how it's supposed to be.
• 10:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your goal was to raise up your child and then send them out to the world to start a family of their own.
• 10:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that means they're going to be really busy.
• 10:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is hard being a young adult figuring out your career and your marriage and then you add children into the mix.
• 11:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're not trying to be
• 11:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: The solution is to endeavor not to be offended by your child's busy life.
• 11:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're not intentionally trying to hurt you.
• 11:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: They can't always pick up the phone, but sometimes a quick text is easy here for them.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the solution also is that you find something to do in your life.
• 11:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You get busy, you chase the dream that you had.
• 11:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: You walk into this great season of freedom and do something you love.
• 11:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: and then maybe they'll call you and you'll be the busy one.
• 11:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Barrier number nine, different communication styles.
• 11:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Some moms prefer deep heart to heart conversations, while their kids may be more direct or prefer light-hearted interactions.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: This mismatch can create frustration.
• 11:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: The solution is to accept your differences in how you and your child like to communicate.
• 12:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: This will lead to less frustration and more peace for both of you.
• 12:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just understand how each of you are wired
• 12:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: The 10th barrier is lack of active listening.
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: We talk about this all the time around here when either party feels unheard, whether it's a mom wanting connection or adult child seeking autonomy, it can lead to resentment and miscommunication.
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listening to respond instead of understand how is leads to frustration?
• 12:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's the solution.
• 12:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mirror back what your child says to you and vice versa, then you can't have misunderstanding.
• 12:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Use the phrase, so I hear you saying dot dot dot, often, and then each of you can feel heard and understood.
• 12:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Strengthening communication with your adult child takes patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: By recognizing these common barriers and implementing thoughtful solutions, you can foster deeper connections and reduce misunderstandings.
• 13:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, your role has shifted from guiding to supporting, and that's a beautiful transition when embraced with grace.
• 13:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Keep the conversation open, lead with love, and trust that God
• 13:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
• 13:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 13:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 13:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this week, I want you to identify one of the barriers you and your adult child are facing and then work on the solution, pray about it, ask God for help, and then have a conversation with your child to see if you can resolve it.
• 13:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Come back next time for episode 164 where we talk about what every mother-in-law needs to know, encouraging, not interfering.
• 13:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: We'll see you next time.
• 13:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for listening, Mama.
• 13:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: As an emptiness coach, I invite you to book a free discovery session so we can discuss how I can help you.
• 14:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, there's no obligation.
• 14:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's simply a conversation to see if we're a good fit.
• 14:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Find the link to sign up in the show notes.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I also invite you to connect with me outside of the show.
• 14:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you enjoyed the conversation and want to connect, go find me on Instagram.
• 14:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: My username is P.Hinkleman, H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N.
• 14:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're a Facebook lover, find me at Pamela Hinkleman, M-T-N-S-T coach.
• 14:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, remember, I am here for you, and ready to help when you need it.