Latest / Raising Daughters / Why Responding “I Don’t Care” Is Making Your Daughter Miserable
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: Welcome to Raising Daughters, the podcast that helps parents learn
- 0:07Speaker 1: the best ways to support their daughters as they navigate
- 0:09Speaker 1: the high levels of stress, anxiety, pressure, and uncertainties so
- 0:13Speaker 1: pervasive in our culture today. Doctor Tim Jordan is a
- 0:16Speaker 1: developmental and behavioral pediatrician who has specialized in counseling girls
- 0:20Speaker 1: for over thirty years and shed's light on the realities
- 0:23Speaker 1: of today's young women in all facets of their lives.
- 0:26Speaker 1: This is your opportunity to learn how to better support
- 0:29Speaker 1: your daughters, making them feel safe, secure, and truly loved
- 0:33Speaker 1: in the midst of life's ups and downs. Here is
- 0:35Speaker 1: your host, Doctor Tim.
- 0:43Speaker 2: Hello friends, doctor Tim Jordan here, welcome you back to
- 0:46Speaker 2: another episode of Raising Daughters. And this topic I'm gonna
- 0:51Speaker 2: talk about today is one that I bump into with
- 0:54Speaker 2: girls all the time. I wonder if you have a
- 0:58Speaker 2: daughter at home who when you ask them what they want,
- 1:03Speaker 2: or when their friends ask them what they want or
- 1:05Speaker 2: where they want to go, or they where they want
- 1:07Speaker 2: to go eat, or what movie they want to see?
- 1:09Speaker 2: How many of you have a daughter in your home
- 1:10Speaker 2: whose habitual knee jerk response tends to be, Oh, I
- 1:14Speaker 2: don't care whatever you want, or I don't know and
- 1:19Speaker 2: maybe I should even As just another way, how many
- 1:22Speaker 2: of you have a daughter in your house who tends
- 1:24Speaker 2: to put other people's needs before their own and oftentimes
- 1:29Speaker 2: don't take care of themselves. Then the final question before
- 1:34Speaker 2: I delve into this topic is how many of you moms,
- 1:37Speaker 2: especially listening to this podcast, suffer from the same phenomenon
- 1:43Speaker 2: where your knee jerk response tends to be I don't
- 1:46Speaker 2: know or I don't care, where you put other people's
- 1:49Speaker 2: needs before your own, and oftentimes that leads to an
- 1:52Speaker 2: even more detrimental belief, which is I shouldn't even have needs.
- 1:58Speaker 2: The biggest cost I see with girls who have that
- 2:01Speaker 2: knee jerk response when they're asked what they want, when
- 2:04Speaker 2: they say I don't know, I don't care, I think
- 2:07Speaker 2: maybe the biggest cost is they're teaching other people that
- 2:10Speaker 2: their opinions and their needs are not important, and therefore
- 2:16Speaker 2: they're not important. I can't tell you how many girls
- 2:20Speaker 2: I've seen in my counseling practice and my retreats, my camps,
- 2:24Speaker 2: all the places I work with girls. I cannot tell
- 2:25Speaker 2: you how many girls I see who struggle with that
- 2:31Speaker 2: they tend to put other people's needs before their own.
- 2:34Speaker 2: I think some of that is because of that that
- 2:36Speaker 2: recurrent good girl conditioning that we always hear about and
- 2:39Speaker 2: talk about, which is has become kind of a cliche,
- 2:42Speaker 2: but it's true. Girls today still have that sense of
- 2:45Speaker 2: I'm supposed to be a good girl who puts other
- 2:48Speaker 2: people's needs first, who takes care of everybody, who's supposed
- 2:51Speaker 2: to be always happy and helpful. Others needs are more
- 2:55Speaker 2: important than mine. All that stuff, all that conditioning, if
- 2:58Speaker 2: you will, makes it harder for girls to break free
- 3:01Speaker 2: from that and to be assertive. Also, girls have learned,
- 3:07Speaker 2: by conditioning and also by the way that they've been parented,
- 3:11Speaker 2: to make decisions based upon not going to disappoint people
- 3:16Speaker 2: or to please other people. That becomes more important than
- 3:19Speaker 2: them getting what they want or what they need. There's
- 3:23Speaker 2: reasons why the girls do that. Sometimes there's something going
- 3:27Speaker 2: on in the home that's a really common one that
- 3:29Speaker 2: I see. Like, for instance, I saw a girl oh
- 3:32Speaker 2: several weeks ago, I'll call her Miya, But she has
- 3:35Speaker 2: an older sister who has had problems with drug addiction,
- 3:40Speaker 2: and the parents keep finding pot and things in their home.
- 3:44Speaker 2: There's arguments, fights, blow ups. This girl blows up, leaves
- 3:48Speaker 2: the house, doesn't come back for a day. One time,
- 3:50Speaker 2: the police were called. So this girl, the younger girl,
- 3:55Speaker 2: my patient Mia, has been watching all of that, and
- 3:58Speaker 2: of course she does not want to do what her
- 4:00Speaker 2: sister's been doing because she sees the effect on her
- 4:03Speaker 2: sister and her parents, and she sees the stress that's
- 4:07Speaker 2: going on within her parents and in the house, and
- 4:11Speaker 2: in her mind, she says to herself, my parents have
- 4:13Speaker 2: so much on their plate, and so I don't want
- 4:16Speaker 2: to add one more thing that might tip them over
- 4:18Speaker 2: the edge. So I'll just keep my needs and my
- 4:21Speaker 2: feelings and my troubles to myself. My parents have way
- 4:25Speaker 2: too much going on already. That's so common. I've seen
- 4:30Speaker 2: lots of girls in my counseling practice with siblings who
- 4:34Speaker 2: have autism or any kind of issue that causes a
- 4:38Speaker 2: lot of attention from the parents. Are Sometimes it's just
- 4:42Speaker 2: anything that can cause distraction in the home, like for instance,
- 4:46Speaker 2: the parents fighting, having marriage problems, arguing, fighting, And the
- 4:51Speaker 2: girls look at all that and they say, my parents
- 4:53Speaker 2: are so stressed out. Again, I don't want to add
- 4:56Speaker 2: to their plate, And so they keep their troubles to themselves.
- 4:59Speaker 2: They don't ask for what they they want, they don't
- 5:01Speaker 2: express what they need. Another cost to the girls who
- 5:08Speaker 2: do all that is that they become resentful because they're
- 5:11Speaker 2: not getting what they want, They're not getting their needs met,
- 5:14Speaker 2: and that can lead to resentment. It also can lead
- 5:18Speaker 2: sometimes if that pattern goes on for a while, which
- 5:21Speaker 2: oftentimes it does, it can lead to them forgetting what
- 5:24Speaker 2: they want, forgetting what their needs are because they've spent
- 5:28Speaker 2: so much time running from them and worrying more about
- 5:31Speaker 2: other people. A lot of girls I notice also have
- 5:34Speaker 2: a hard time making decisions they could. They spend so
- 5:37Speaker 2: much energy trying to figure out how their parents will respond,
- 5:43Speaker 2: how their friends will respond. They worry so much about
- 5:46Speaker 2: the other person that they oftentimes either don't ask for
- 5:49Speaker 2: what they want or they don't make a decision. They
- 5:52Speaker 2: spend too much time and energy trying to please others,
- 5:55Speaker 2: not disappoint people. They make decisions to avoid content to
- 6:01Speaker 2: be l liked. I read a book a few years
- 6:03Speaker 2: ago called the Likability Factor. They don't want to make waves.
- 6:08Speaker 2: That's one of those good girl things. Don't make waves,
- 6:10Speaker 2: don't stand out, don't look different, conform it's important to
- 6:16Speaker 2: be likable. They also may fear other people's reaction. They
- 6:20Speaker 2: fear sometimes if they say what they want their their
- 6:22Speaker 2: friend or the other person will be angry, and so
- 6:25Speaker 2: to avoid that, they just say I don't know or
- 6:28Speaker 2: I don't care. I also find this sometimes unknowingly that
- 6:37Speaker 2: parents have added to this issue. Sometimes there's a clash
- 6:42Speaker 2: within the girls, an internal clash, if you will, between
- 6:46Speaker 2: attachment and authenticity. You know, attachment meaning I want to
- 6:52Speaker 2: be loved, I want to be taken care of. Authenticity
- 6:55Speaker 2: is I want to be myself. I want to have
- 6:58Speaker 2: my own opinions. I want to shape my own future.
- 7:01Speaker 2: I want to be able to say what I want
- 7:02Speaker 2: and do what I want and take care of myself.
- 7:06Speaker 2: And sometimes those clash because what may happen in the
- 7:09Speaker 2: home is if a child disagrees with their parents or
- 7:13Speaker 2: has a different opinion. And sometimes the girls will tell
- 7:17Speaker 2: me they feel like their parents will withdraw their love.
- 7:19Speaker 2: Parents get angry, parents act disappointed. It's that reaction that
- 7:25Speaker 2: they give from their parents that may cause them to
- 7:27Speaker 2: believe I don't think it's true necessarily, but makes them
- 7:30Speaker 2: believe that if I don't go along, if I don't conform,
- 7:34Speaker 2: if I don't do what my parents want all the time.
- 7:36Speaker 2: If I don't share my parents' opinions, then they will
- 7:39Speaker 2: withdraw their love. And of course, if that's the clash internally,
- 7:45Speaker 2: guess which one they're gonna pick. They're gonna pick, They're
- 7:47Speaker 2: gonna pick attachment. So I'm willing to give up who
- 7:50Speaker 2: I am. I'm willing to give up being different. I'm
- 7:53Speaker 2: willing to give up my authenticity because I want to
- 7:56Speaker 2: fit into my family. I want to be loved and
- 7:58Speaker 2: taken care of. And that's that's been that's been wired
- 8:02Speaker 2: into us. You know, we're we're wired to survive, and
- 8:05Speaker 2: so attachment will always trump authenticity in those situations. So
- 8:10Speaker 2: I'd be very aware of how you treat your daughter
- 8:13Speaker 2: when she has a different opinion or want they dress
- 8:17Speaker 2: a little differently than you want her to dress as,
- 8:19Speaker 2: different interests, different goals, and you want her to have,
- 8:23Speaker 2: et cetera. So there's a huge cost to girls when
- 8:28Speaker 2: they don't ask for what they want. There's a there's
- 8:30Speaker 2: a huge cost to girls when they have a knee
- 8:33Speaker 2: jerk reaction if I don't know, I don't care. In
- 8:35Speaker 2: order to not make people upset, to avoid conflict, to
- 8:39Speaker 2: please people, to not to support you all. All of
- 8:42Speaker 2: that I mentioned those costs a big cost. So what
- 8:45Speaker 2: what can you do as a parent of a daughter
- 8:48Speaker 2: like that or for yourself? What I do with girls
- 8:52Speaker 2: a lot is I have them do some experiments, and
- 8:55Speaker 2: I fell them to start with people that you don't
- 8:56Speaker 2: know very well, people that you probably will never see again,
- 9:00Speaker 2: for instance, a waitress in a restaurant, because they may
- 9:03Speaker 2: be afraid, you know, even to order things because they're
- 9:06Speaker 2: worried about the reaction. I was actually one of those people.
- 9:09Speaker 2: I grew up in a home where conformity was important,
- 9:13Speaker 2: and if you had a different opinion, oftentimes it got
- 9:16Speaker 2: shut down because there was one way to do things
- 9:19Speaker 2: and one way to look at things, and that was
- 9:21Speaker 2: my parents of my parents' way. So I learned to
- 9:25Speaker 2: kind of shut that part down anyway. So what I
- 9:29Speaker 2: started doing was I would start, like in a restaurant,
- 9:33Speaker 2: So if a waitress came by and said, you know,
- 9:35Speaker 2: what do you want to order? I would say, well, actually,
- 9:38Speaker 2: I know she has spaghetti on your menu, but what
- 9:41Speaker 2: I like is the gluten free number one. And also
- 9:44Speaker 2: I like the little kapaline, the little skinny spaghetti. Now
- 9:47Speaker 2: as I start to ask what I want my wife
- 9:49Speaker 2: starts to cover her eyes and cringe because she sort
- 9:54Speaker 2: of has this issue a little bit too, because she's
- 9:56Speaker 2: a woman, and many women do. And I'll even say
- 9:59Speaker 2: things like, also, I love black olives. Do you have
- 10:03Speaker 2: black elves? Can put some of those on there? Alex
- 10:05Speaker 2: sundried tomatoes? Can you also add some of that? I
- 10:08Speaker 2: start adding to and making my own little concoction, and
- 10:11Speaker 2: the waiter is busily busily writing all this down. And
- 10:15Speaker 2: so my old fear was a waitress is gonna be mad.
- 10:20Speaker 2: She's gonna be thinking, who is this guy so selfish?
- 10:22Speaker 2: She's so self centered. Whatever, She's gonna walk back in
- 10:25Speaker 2: the kitchen and she's gonna tell people what a jerk
- 10:27Speaker 2: out there at table three, and they're gonna be spitting
- 10:29Speaker 2: in my food. That's my old belief system. So my
- 10:32Speaker 2: experiment was I would ask what I wanted as clearly
- 10:36Speaker 2: as I could and where I then I would see
- 10:39Speaker 2: the reaction. I would see what happened, because what would
- 10:41Speaker 2: happen was the waitress would bring my food. I loved it.
- 10:44Speaker 2: It was just what I wanted. I was happy, I
- 10:47Speaker 2: gave a big tip, she was happy. Everybody was okay.
- 10:52Speaker 2: Nobody exploded. The world didn't end because I asked for
- 10:55Speaker 2: what I wanted. And so I tell girls start doing
- 10:59Speaker 2: experiments like that where they start to slowly but surely
- 11:01Speaker 2: ask for what they want, have an opinion with their friends,
- 11:04Speaker 2: and then notice the reaction and nine nine times out
- 11:07Speaker 2: of one hundred, people are great. They don't really care.
- 11:10Speaker 2: There is no none of this huge disappointment at all,
- 11:14Speaker 2: because most people are pretty amenable. I tell them, if
- 11:18Speaker 2: you have a friend who gets bent out of shape
- 11:20Speaker 2: because you ask what you want, then you might want
- 11:22Speaker 2: to start thinking about is this really a good friend?
- 11:26Speaker 2: Because if my friend can't have the space to allow
- 11:28Speaker 2: me to ask for what I want and to have
- 11:31Speaker 2: an opinion, she's just teaching me something about the level
- 11:34Speaker 2: of friend that she is. Just means she's not a
- 11:37Speaker 2: good friend, that's all, if she doesn't have space for
- 11:39Speaker 2: you to also ask for what you want. So I
- 11:43Speaker 2: tell girls, if someone asks you the question, you know,
- 11:46Speaker 2: where do you want to go tonight? Or what movie
- 11:48Speaker 2: do you want to see? Here? Where do you want
- 11:50Speaker 2: to go eat? Or whatever the question may be, if
- 11:52Speaker 2: they get that first little tightness in their chest which says, oh,
- 11:56Speaker 2: here we go again, be careful, I tell them to
- 11:59Speaker 2: know what is it? Just notice calmly and compassionately. Don't
- 12:05Speaker 2: get mad at yourself. Just help. There's that little feeling again.
- 12:08Speaker 2: Oh wow, it's interesting how it comes up so quick.
- 12:11Speaker 2: And maybe even tell your friend can you give me
- 12:12Speaker 2: a second? I gotta go grab something and then go
- 12:16Speaker 2: sit in the bathroom, go someplace, take a little break
- 12:19Speaker 2: and check in and ask yourself a question, what do
- 12:23Speaker 2: I want? If I could push aside all these fears
- 12:26Speaker 2: about making people mad and disappointing people and people liking
- 12:30Speaker 2: me and all that stuff, I can push all that
- 12:32Speaker 2: aside just for a moment, what do I want? And
- 12:36Speaker 2: then get clear about that. Then you walk back to
- 12:38Speaker 2: your friends say, by the way, I think what I
- 12:39Speaker 2: would like to do is blank, And then again in
- 12:43Speaker 2: your experiment, knows the response and a good pharmise that
- 12:46Speaker 2: would be like great, Nothing happens again, and so you
- 12:50Speaker 2: start reteaching your friends that your needs are also important.
- 12:55Speaker 2: It doesn't mean every time that you insist you have
- 12:58Speaker 2: to have your way. Somebody wants to be friends with
- 13:01Speaker 2: someone like that. What it means, though, is that you
- 13:04Speaker 2: can't get a win win with anyone unless you put
- 13:06Speaker 2: your needs out there as well as listening to their needs.
- 13:09Speaker 2: That's how you create a good win win. It's both
- 13:12Speaker 2: people are aware of their needs the other person's needs.
- 13:15Speaker 2: You mix them together and say, how can we make
- 13:17Speaker 2: a decision so both of our needs are met. It
- 13:20Speaker 2: might be that I get where I want this time,
- 13:22Speaker 2: but how about next time? Then you get a chance
- 13:23Speaker 2: to pick the restaurant. But that will never happen unless
- 13:28Speaker 2: you learn to put your needs out there, so reframing
- 13:32Speaker 2: your old beliefs about the need to please everyone to
- 13:37Speaker 2: not disappoint people, the need to fit in. Also, I
- 13:43Speaker 2: also have noticed in my in my retreating camps, WI
- 13:45Speaker 2: do you exercise sometimes teaching girls about the difference between
- 13:49Speaker 2: being assertive versus aggressive, because most girls, in my experience
- 13:54Speaker 2: don't know the difference, and they've learned through the good
- 13:57Speaker 2: girl conditioning in the culture. They've learned that if you
- 14:00Speaker 2: ask for what you want, if you're assertive, that people
- 14:03Speaker 2: will start labeling you as being aggressive the B word. Women,
- 14:07Speaker 2: even in the workforce, get that labeling, and so they
- 14:11Speaker 2: have a belief system that says that that I don't
- 14:13Speaker 2: want to be labeled that way, and so we'll do
- 14:16Speaker 2: role plays. But We'll give them situations and have them
- 14:19Speaker 2: role play. How could you handle this aggressively? How could
- 14:24Speaker 2: you handle it assertively and then notice the difference. They
- 14:27Speaker 2: need some examples, They need to role play, they need
- 14:30Speaker 2: the language, and they need the permission that says it's
- 14:34Speaker 2: good for you to be assertive. It's good for you
- 14:37Speaker 2: to be assertive and put yourself out there. I've also
- 14:41Speaker 2: found that girls are much more likely to do what
- 14:44Speaker 2: I'm suggesting. They're much more likely to start asking for
- 14:48Speaker 2: what they want if they have a high level of deserveability,
- 14:53Speaker 2: if they have a high level of self love, if
- 14:56Speaker 2: they love and appreciate who they are, They're much more
- 14:58Speaker 2: likely to stand up for themselves, ask for what they want,
- 15:01Speaker 2: be assertive, put their needs out there. They also need
- 15:05Speaker 2: some reframing that even though there may be some trouble
- 15:08Speaker 2: in your family because your sister has an addiction problem
- 15:11Speaker 2: and there's some unrest, it doesn't mean your parents don't
- 15:15Speaker 2: have time for you in your troubles. You might have
- 15:18Speaker 2: to pick your spots. You need to be sensitive. But
- 15:21Speaker 2: but but it's your parents' responsibility to be there for
- 15:25Speaker 2: you and also to find other people if your parents.
- 15:28Speaker 2: There are certain times when your parents may be overwhelmed,
- 15:31Speaker 2: they're an overload, and there are hopefully grandparents, aunts, uncles, coaches, teachers,
- 15:37Speaker 2: there's other people. Are camp counselors for some of the
- 15:40Speaker 2: girls fill that role. Sometimes you look outside the family
- 15:44Speaker 2: for support or going to a counselor like me, to
- 15:47Speaker 2: get some support. I want to reframe that part about
- 15:50Speaker 2: saying that that your parents don't have the time and
- 15:55Speaker 2: the space for your needs as well. They may not
- 15:58Speaker 2: in one particular moment, but the bigger picture of your
- 16:01Speaker 2: home life they do. And I want them to know
- 16:04Speaker 2: what's going on for you. I don't want them to
- 16:06Speaker 2: know if you're struggling. I want you to be able
- 16:08Speaker 2: to ask for support, ask for feedback, all those kinds
- 16:12Speaker 2: of things. They also need some reframing about that it's
- 16:17Speaker 2: good that good girl conditioning is so unhealthy. They don't
- 16:20Speaker 2: know that, so they need to that needs to be
- 16:24Speaker 2: brought to their awareness that always being liked and taking
- 16:28Speaker 2: care of everybody else before you, and not standing out
- 16:33Speaker 2: and not being assertive and and all those kinds of
- 16:36Speaker 2: things are unhealthy, even though that's what the culture has
- 16:39Speaker 2: sort of been conditioning you. They need some reframing of
- 16:42Speaker 2: all those kinds of thoughts and beliefs. It makes it
- 16:45Speaker 2: easier for them to step up and start setting boundaries,
- 16:48Speaker 2: asking for what they want, and get out of that
- 16:50Speaker 2: habit of saying I don't know, I don't care. It
- 16:54Speaker 2: helps a lot if you model that. If they see
- 16:59Speaker 2: that you are at asking for what you want, if
- 17:01Speaker 2: they see you not overly taking care of everyone without
- 17:05Speaker 2: taking care of yourself as well, they see you taking
- 17:08Speaker 2: care of your needs, that's really important, and even vocalize that,
- 17:13Speaker 2: talk about it, bring it to the surface. You may
- 17:15Speaker 2: have struggled with it a different time in your life.
- 17:18Speaker 2: Let your daughter know about that and what you did
- 17:20Speaker 2: to overcome it so that you could not be a
- 17:23Speaker 2: wash in resentments on happiness. When girls start to ask
- 17:28Speaker 2: for what they want and they know what they want
- 17:31Speaker 2: and they put it out there, they're so much more
- 17:33Speaker 2: confident and they're so much happier. They have a lot
- 17:37Speaker 2: more energy because they're not spending so much worrying about
- 17:40Speaker 2: other people and their needs and how are they thinking
- 17:43Speaker 2: and how are they feeling and taking responsibility for everyone's
- 17:47Speaker 2: feelings as opposed to I just need to take care
- 17:50Speaker 2: of my own. So model that so your daughters see it,
- 17:55Speaker 2: do some role playing, give them some words so that
- 17:58Speaker 2: they have the ability out in the real world to
- 18:00Speaker 2: do that for themselves. I hope this helps. This is
- 18:04Speaker 2: a really unhealthy pattern I see in so many girls
- 18:08Speaker 2: and also their moms. It can be a male thing
- 18:11Speaker 2: as well, but I think girls and the good girl
- 18:13Speaker 2: conditioning is is a little bit different than what men
- 18:16Speaker 2: have experienced in general. So our daughters need they need
- 18:20Speaker 2: some help with that. So listen to this podcast with them.
- 18:25Speaker 2: Provoke some discussion and conversation about this with them. Maybe
- 18:31Speaker 2: have them do some role playing with you, make some
- 18:34Speaker 2: commitments to do some experiments, check in with them, see
- 18:37Speaker 2: how they see what the response was, and support them
- 18:41Speaker 2: through this process of learning how to be assertive and
- 18:43Speaker 2: to take care of themselves. I will be back here
- 18:48Speaker 2: as always in a week with a brand new podcast.
- 18:50Speaker 2: I hope these are helpful to you. If you have questions,
- 18:53Speaker 2: by the way, I want you to email them to
- 18:57Speaker 2: my wife A and E at d R tim Jordan
- 19:02Speaker 2: dot com and to get to start out on this process.
- 19:09Speaker 2: I got an email from a listener and she asked
- 19:11Speaker 2: a really interesting question, so I thought would answer her
- 19:14Speaker 2: question on this podcast. I will do one on each
- 19:18Speaker 2: of the podcasts answer a question that comes through so again,
- 19:22Speaker 2: email my wife Ann at Dr tim Jordan dot com.
- 19:26Speaker 2: This woman said she when she grew up, her family
- 19:29Speaker 2: went through a divorce her parents did and it was
- 19:31Speaker 2: hard for her on her as a child, heart on
- 19:35Speaker 2: the family. So now she's married, has a daughter and
- 19:39Speaker 2: she doesn't want to repeat that patterns and she's got
- 19:41Speaker 2: a healthy marriage according to her, but she's worried about
- 19:45Speaker 2: as her daughter gets older and as she approaches a
- 19:47Speaker 2: teen year she doesn't want to mix up her story
- 19:50Speaker 2: too much in her daughter's story. She said, I want
- 19:54Speaker 2: I Sometimes I feel unsure because I never have I've
- 19:57Speaker 2: never seen a girl grow up in the stable home
- 19:59Speaker 2: like her. I only knew chaos. So how do I
- 20:02Speaker 2: parent a child whose struggles won't look like mine? How
- 20:06Speaker 2: do I learn to see and support her reality was
- 20:08Speaker 2: so different from what I lived? And I answered her
- 20:12Speaker 2: with an email. But what I said to her was,
- 20:15Speaker 2: first of all, I love how self aware she is,
- 20:17Speaker 2: and that's the most important thing. She's not just unconsciously
- 20:22Speaker 2: sort of going to pass on those things. She is
- 20:26Speaker 2: very consciously wanted to do it different. She's very consciously
- 20:29Speaker 2: thinking about not passing that on to her daughter. That's
- 20:34Speaker 2: the most important first step, I think. And also I
- 20:37Speaker 2: think she can check in with her daughter as she
- 20:39Speaker 2: gets older and let her know what she just said
- 20:42Speaker 2: in that email, which is I worry sometimes about putting
- 20:45Speaker 2: some of my old feelings and my old stories into yours,
- 20:48Speaker 2: and I don't want to do that. So if you
- 20:50Speaker 2: ever feel like I'm overreacting to something, just very kindly
- 20:55Speaker 2: and patiently say, Mom, I think this doesn't belong to me.
- 21:00Speaker 2: Just give you a quick check because sometimes we're not
- 21:03Speaker 2: aware of it, of what we're passing on. So I
- 21:06Speaker 2: would I would, I wouldn't ask your daughter every day,
- 21:10Speaker 2: am I doing a good job? And by putting my
- 21:11Speaker 2: story into yours, I wouldn't have all the time. But
- 21:13Speaker 2: I think you can periodically check in. And I think
- 21:17Speaker 2: it'd be good for this mom to do her own journaling,
- 21:20Speaker 2: maybe counseling, to make sure that she starts to take
- 21:23Speaker 2: care of some of those old feelings and some of
- 21:26Speaker 2: the old trauma that she went through, Because if we
- 21:29Speaker 2: don't take care of our old traumas and the emotions
- 21:31Speaker 2: around that and the beliefs we create around those traumas,
- 21:35Speaker 2: if we don't take the time to work through those.
- 21:38Speaker 2: We will tend to recreate that in our present day
- 21:41Speaker 2: lives as adults in some way, shape or form. So
- 21:44Speaker 2: whether it's through journaling, counseling, something would I would make
- 21:48Speaker 2: sure she. I would make sure any of you who
- 21:50Speaker 2: have been through some traumatic things growing up, you take
- 21:53Speaker 2: the time to take care of that. When parents ask
- 21:57Speaker 2: me sometimes what's the number one thing you would suggest
- 21:59Speaker 2: as a parent? It'll help me become a really good
- 22:01Speaker 2: parent or stay a good parent. One of the most
- 22:04Speaker 2: important things I tell them is do personal growth. If
- 22:06Speaker 2: you need to clean out things that otherwise might get
- 22:10Speaker 2: in the way of you parenting the way you want.
- 22:13Speaker 2: And a lot of it stuff is unconscious until you
- 22:15Speaker 2: bring it to the service and actively consciously look at it.
- 22:19Speaker 2: So thank you very much for that reader or that listener.
- 22:22Speaker 2: Excuse me for sending that email. And you send some
- 22:25Speaker 2: questions that every week in my podcast I'll answer one.
- 22:29Speaker 2: I'll be back here in a week with a brand
- 22:30Speaker 2: new podcast. Look for my new book that came out
- 22:34Speaker 2: about a month ago, Keeping your Family Grounded when You're
- 22:37Speaker 2: Flying by the seat of your Pants. It's a revised,
- 22:39Speaker 2: updated edition with four or five brand new chapters. You
- 22:43Speaker 2: can find that on Amazon any place you get books,
- 22:45Speaker 2: and you can also find it on our website at
- 22:47Speaker 2: Dr Tim Jordan dot com. I'll be back here with
- 22:50Speaker 2: a brand new topic in a week. I'll see you then.
- 22:53Speaker 2: Thanks so much for stopping by.
- 23:02Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Raising Daughters.
- 23:06Speaker 1: Hopefully you've learned something useful about girls and young women
- 23:09Speaker 1: and how to help them navigate the pressures, challenges, and
- 23:12Speaker 1: opportunities of modern life. If you want to become a
- 23:14Speaker 1: more effective parent, keep listening to the show at doctor
- 23:18Speaker 1: Tim Jordan dot com and let the conversations shape you.
- 23:21Speaker 1: Build that one of a kind connection with your daughters
- 23:24Speaker 1: in the most profound and meaningful ways possible, shaping them
- 23:27Speaker 1: into strong, confident women of the future. That's all for now,
- 23:31Speaker 1: see you next week for another episode of Raising Daughters.