Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #26: Making Time for Your Marriage

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#26: Making Time for Your Marriage · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, where
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  Speaker 1: Luke and Susie we're a husband and wife radio team
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  Speaker 1: with three young children, and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wants some answers now.
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  Speaker 2: As soon as we were chatting to someone just the
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  Speaker 2: other day and they said all the right words about
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  Speaker 2: being a mum's great and it's wonderful, and then we
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  Speaker 2: just kept talking and I went, oh so hard and
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  Speaker 2: there was a few little things I've said that almost
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  Speaker 2: they didn't say this, but you could always bear afraids
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  Speaker 2: of I think my child has ruined my life when
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  Speaker 2: it comes to family and parenting and marriage and so
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  Speaker 2: all these important relationships in our home. They can be
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  Speaker 2: tough work sometimes and you need to put a bit
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  Speaker 2: of focus and you need to put a bit of
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  Speaker 2: energy into it. And that's why our next guest is
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  Speaker 2: such a great treat to have on our show.
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely is doctor Justin Colson from Happy Families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot au. You obviously have learned lessons through a study,
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  Speaker 1: and you've learned lessons through life, doctor Justin.
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  Speaker 3: I imagine, yeah, I have I have six children, one wife
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  Speaker 3: nearly Oh gosh, nearly twenty years of marriage, I still
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  Speaker 3: feel like that twenty something year old who've made a
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  Speaker 3: full of himself proposing to that girl that.
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  Speaker 4: He thought was just amazing. And it's hard work, even
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  Speaker 4: when you're with somebody who is absolutely incredible and somebody
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  Speaker 4: who you completely crazy about.
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  Speaker 2: So are you're punching above your weight, Justin? Is that
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  Speaker 2: the message we got there? Well?
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  Speaker 4: Well, perhaps, yeah, and that was part of the plan.
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  Speaker 4: I always marry somebody that makes you work hard to
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  Speaker 4: stay there.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, I suppose asking that question, what guy in
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  Speaker 2: the world has ever safely I to say, no, no, no, no,
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  Speaker 2: it's fine. She's probably punching above her way.
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  Speaker 1: Well, we want to talk about we want to talk
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  Speaker 1: about marriage. We often talk about parenting with you, doctor Jills,
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  Speaker 1: Justin Colson, but we need to focus on our marriages
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  Speaker 1: as well, and these can often go by the wayside
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  Speaker 1: a little bit, especially when children are in a stage
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  Speaker 1: where they need a lot of our attention. And so
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  Speaker 1: how can we go about make sure our marriages stay
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  Speaker 1: on track?
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  Speaker 4: The number one thing is time. My favorite, my favorite
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  Speaker 4: saying is attention is the currency of relationships. So just
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  Speaker 4: like dollars drive our economy, at Tension drives our relationships,
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  Speaker 4: and if our relationships are starved of attention, then they're
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  Speaker 4: going to end up in the red and will end
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  Speaker 4: up relationally bankrupt. So trick number one, A secret Number
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  Speaker 4: one for having a thriving marriage is time. You've got
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  Speaker 4: to have time together. Now. I know some people say, oh,
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  Speaker 4: I don't think so. In fact, the more we're apart,
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  Speaker 4: the happier we are together. But that's that's not normal.
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  Speaker 4: That is, it does happen, but it's not normal for
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  Speaker 4: relationships to really thrive. We've got to have time together.
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  Speaker 4: And let me tell you, when you've got a bunch
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  Speaker 4: of children running around and you've got you know, tight
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  Speaker 4: funds and all that sort of thing, it can be
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  Speaker 4: really tough to make it happen. So let me give
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  Speaker 4: you a couple of really, really tidy and simple to
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  Speaker 4: implement hints. Number one. Number one, have a date night
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  Speaker 4: every week every week. The way that you do this is,
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  Speaker 4: if your children are old enough, you just get them
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  Speaker 4: a movie and let them watch a movie while you
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  Speaker 4: go out. If they can't be trusted because they're going
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  Speaker 4: to beat each other up, then you hire a babysitter.
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  Speaker 4: If you can't hire a babysitter because funds are too tight,
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  Speaker 4: or if you're thinking I can't even afford a date,
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  Speaker 4: what's he talking about. You can go for a walk,
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  Speaker 4: or he can go for a bike ride, or you
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  Speaker 4: can go into something that doesn't cost anything. There are
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  Speaker 4: so many low cost and low cost activities. It just
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  Speaker 4: requires a little bit of forethought. And if babysitting's a problem,
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  Speaker 4: find another couple who's just like you, who wants to
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  Speaker 4: have time with their spouse but they can't because they're
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  Speaker 4: just too busy, and do a trade off. You know,
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  Speaker 4: this week you look after their kids and next week
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  Speaker 4: they look after your kids.
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  Speaker 2: It's something that we have known, and there's no great surprise.
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  Speaker 2: Most of us go into knowing this is important and
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  Speaker 2: all those things you said, we can go yes, yes,
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  Speaker 2: and we can argue all we can agree with.
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  Speaker 5: But knowing you know that it's a priority, and knowing
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  Speaker 5: that it's actually relatively easy to do, doesn't actually mean
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  Speaker 5: we do it justin why do we? Why do we
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  Speaker 5: so often find ourselves like a year or eighteen months
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  Speaker 5: down the train and get, oh my gosh, we haven't
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  Speaker 5: actually had any date time together.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, look, I think there's a couple of reasons. Reason
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  Speaker 4: number one, Facebook, reason number two, Master Chef, Reason number three,
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  Speaker 4: Mi kitchen rules. I'm kind of being a bit cheeky.
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  Speaker 4: But we get so caught up in the unimportant. We
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  Speaker 4: get completely distracted by the stuff that doesn't matter, and frankly,
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  Speaker 4: we kind of get a bit lazy. I mean, guys,
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  Speaker 4: we sort of say, well, you know, the chase is over.
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  Speaker 4: I'm married to and now I don't have to keep
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  Speaker 4: on working to keep this thing happening. And that's where
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  Speaker 4: we make the great mistake. It's kind of like the
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  Speaker 4: person who goes out in exercises for three or four months,
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  Speaker 4: gets rade board and then says, well, I got it.
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  Speaker 4: Now I don't have to go to the gym anymore.
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  Speaker 4: I don't have to ride my bike or run or
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  Speaker 4: do any of that stuff anymore. Everyone knows that's a
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  Speaker 4: way of garbage. You never stop if you want to maintain.
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  Speaker 4: And it's the same with our marriages.
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  Speaker 2: Susie picking up here that doctor Justin might not consider
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  Speaker 2: those times we were sitting in the lound room together
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  Speaker 2: Facebook messaging each other as dates time we were connecting.
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  Speaker 2: We're in the same road. We're having a conversation, not
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  Speaker 2: a word uttered in real life. It's amazing how it happened.
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  Speaker 2: We're talking with doctor Justin Coilson, our expert on marriage
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  Speaker 2: and on families, to help us to focus in on
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  Speaker 2: building our marriages.
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  Speaker 6: Everyone wants their family to be happy, but so much
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  Speaker 6: gets in the way. Work, stress, commitments, and our children's
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  Speaker 6: challenging behavior are some of the usual suspects, and we
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  Speaker 6: can all tidy up our parenting style and get clearer
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  Speaker 6: about what we'll actually make our family happier. Twenty one
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  Speaker 6: Days to a Happier Family is the best selling parenting
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  Speaker 6: book by doctor Justin Coilson, with answers to both common
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  Speaker 6: and complicated tarrenting problems. Combining cutting edge scientific insights with
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  Speaker 6: real examples of family life in the trenches. You'll find
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  Speaker 6: dozens of strategies for making your family happier. Twenty one
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  Speaker 6: Days to a Happier Family available online and from booksellers
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  Speaker 6: everywhere and at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Colson where
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  Speaker 1: lookin Susie.
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  Speaker 2: Talking about focusing on marriage and the first thing that
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  Speaker 2: we talked about is actually taking some date time prioritizing
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  Speaker 2: getting a babysitter, having some time out, actually engaging with
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  Speaker 2: each other quality time versus quantity time. Justin is there
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  Speaker 2: such a debate?
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  Speaker 4: You know what time is. Time Attention is the currency
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  Speaker 4: of relationships. Our family spell love time. Just like my
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  Speaker 4: little toddler who's walked to the room now to hand
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  Speaker 4: me things and probably make a racket. It's all about time.
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  Speaker 4: It's all about face to face time. When you go
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  Speaker 4: to the movies on a date, I'm sorry, but that's
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  Speaker 4: not quality time. You're staring at a screen, big screen,
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  Speaker 4: and you're not touching it like you know, you might
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  Speaker 4: with your phone or your iPad, but it's still a screen.
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  Speaker 4: That's not a date. What we've got to do is
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  Speaker 4: we've actually got to go somewhere where we look at
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  Speaker 4: each other in the eyes and when we talk to
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  Speaker 4: each other with our mouths, we might even hold hands,
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  Speaker 4: we might even a kiss. But it's all about having
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  Speaker 4: that time together. It's absolutely about time together. Oh and
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  Speaker 4: look one other thing. If your relationship is not going well,
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  Speaker 4: here's something heavy for you. Maybe we should talk about
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  Speaker 4: this another time because it probably requires a bit of effort.
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  Speaker 4: But if your relationship is not going well. In almost
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  Speaker 4: every case, you are the problem. I know you think
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  Speaker 4: the other person is the problem, but it's not them,
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  Speaker 4: it's you.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really time to end this conversation.
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  Speaker 1: Now thinks that's gold because it's so true. A simple
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  Speaker 1: change of attitude in both parties can make the difference.
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  Speaker 2: But you need to start with yourself.
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  Speaker 4: Right, You've got to start with yourself. You might say
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  Speaker 4: he never know is when I clean the house, or
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  Speaker 4: she doesn't appreciate how hard I work. I know I'm
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  Speaker 4: being very gendered there, but the reality is that we've
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  Speaker 4: still got the typical gender split in terms of housework
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  Speaker 4: and in terms of who's earning the money. And when
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  Speaker 4: we're dealing with things in that way, what we actually
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  Speaker 4: do is we only alienate one another further. What we
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  Speaker 4: need to do instead is we need to say, gee,
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  Speaker 4: things haven't been really really going well lately. What I
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  Speaker 4: probably need to do is apologize. And what I probably
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  Speaker 4: need to do is look for some other ways where
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  Speaker 4: I can make a contribution to the relationship. What am
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  Speaker 4: I not doing, what am I not saying? How am
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  Speaker 4: I not connecting? And if we start to make the
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  Speaker 4: effort ourselves, what we'll find is that in very very
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  Speaker 4: in a very short space of time, stuffs will say, Wow,
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  Speaker 4: she's being so nice to me, or wow, he's really
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  Speaker 4: noticing that.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, we're got to talk about a whole bunch of
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  Speaker 2: things about focusing on marriage. Unfortunately we will know. Fortunately
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  Speaker 2: we've had to spend the most amount of time today
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  Speaker 2: on time. So before we wrap it up, justin on
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  Speaker 2: this point. Is there an equation? Is there a spreadsheet
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  Speaker 2: formula you can give for me to go, here's the
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  Speaker 2: target of making sure we prioritize x amount of time
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  Speaker 2: or time x out every x amount of days, no
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  Speaker 2: matter what else is happening. This is what we're locking in.
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  Speaker 4: Yes, there is. It's available on my website for two
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  Speaker 4: five hundred dollars, thirty of them. Of course there's not
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  Speaker 4: no look, I mean this is this is one of
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  Speaker 4: those things we're in life. You do kind of have to.
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  Speaker 4: You set up your priorities and you focus on them
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  Speaker 4: and you get serious about that. But every now and again,
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  Speaker 4: other things will arise. You know, a child might need
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  Speaker 4: more time and effort one week, work might need more
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  Speaker 4: time and effort one week. And it's about putting your
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  Speaker 4: attention in the place where it needs to be. I
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  Speaker 4: don't believe that there's such a thing as balance. I've
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  Speaker 4: never met anybody who's got the balance right. Everyone that
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  Speaker 4: I know, once they let me in and start to
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  Speaker 4: talk about what's really going on in their lives, everyone says,
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  Speaker 4: my goodness, we're out of control. We just don't seem
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  Speaker 4: to be able to get the balance right. And that's
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  Speaker 4: because that's not possible. So what you do is you say,
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  Speaker 4: what are my values? My values are my relationship, My
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  Speaker 4: values are this, My values are that? And how can
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  Speaker 4: I live in accordance with my values as best as
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  Speaker 4: possible under the current circumstances, under the current deadlines?
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  Speaker 1: Beautiful, very I love that. I don't really believe in
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  Speaker 1: balance either. I just think you've got to do what
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  Speaker 1: you've got to do to get done. What you've got
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  Speaker 1: to get done, and whatever that is is what it is.
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  Speaker 4: But you've got to have a goal. You've got to
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  Speaker 4: have that, and you've got to have a goal and
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  Speaker 4: know what you're working towards. If you don't have that,
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  Speaker 4: then you just react and respond to whatever's in front
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  Speaker 4: of you, and that's not helpful either. You need to
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  Speaker 4: know what it is that you're working towards and then
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  Speaker 4: prioritize accordingly. And sometimes you have to put the things
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  Speaker 4: that matter most on the backburn of four things that
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  Speaker 4: matter least. But if you're doing that consistently, that's where
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  Speaker 4: you get into trouble.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'm going to I'm about to produce up
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  Speaker 2: a mass run of posters feature of a guy rock
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  Speaker 2: climbing and ab sailing and Susie's quote, you've got to
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  Speaker 2: do what you gotta do to get done, what you've
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  Speaker 2: got to get done, and whatever that is is what
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  Speaker 2: it is.
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  Speaker 4: I think what she's saying, Luke is the main thing
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  Speaker 4: is to keep the main things.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, that's exactly it.
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  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Coulson from Happy families dot com today, thank
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  Speaker 1: you so much for your time as we look at
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  Speaker 1: building healthy and marriages.
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  Speaker 4: Thank you, you're welcome.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks for chatting guy, and for more information and those resources, podcasts, programs,
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  Speaker 1: you can find them all at happy families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot au and of course don't forgot Doctor Justin Coulson
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  Speaker 1: can be available to speak at your school or your organization.
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  Speaker 1: If you're interested in finding out more details, go to
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  Speaker 1: Justinculson dot com