Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / I Blew It With Our Daughter Then Asked One Question

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I Blew It With Our Daughter Then Asked One Question · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Another week down and on today's podcast, Granny Hobbies, they've
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: taken over our lives and I don't think that they're
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: quite as good as we've played them up to be.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Missus Happy Families, Kylie is taking some of our girls
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: overseas as part of an extended tradition that we've had
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: running in our family for some time. We want to
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: tell you about that. Plus the parenting Expert doesn't like
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: the new boyfriend. All that and more coming up right
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: after this, it's The Happy Family's Podcast. Friday edition of
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast, where you get real parenting solutions
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: every single day, Australia's most downloaded parenting podcasts, where Justin
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: and Kylie Colson Kylie Today. A whole lot to get through.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: First off, though, just a couple of news items. Over
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: the last couple of weeks, we've been making a big
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: deal about granny hobbies. Miss Emily, our twelve year old,
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: has been making wheat bags and other paraphernalia to send
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: out to podcast listeners and social media followers and newsletter
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: followers because she's got a genuine business going here. But
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: it hasn't all gone quite to plan.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: I don't know what you're talking about.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I'm missing you.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: What do you mean?
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: You've become obsessed when it comes to granny hobbies. It
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: seems that it's all you can think about, It's all
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  Speaker 1: you do.
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  Speaker 2: That's so funny.
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  Speaker 1: In my office right now, there are four huge spotlight
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  Speaker 1: bags of wool and cotton, and I don't know what else.
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  Speaker 2: You missed it. There's actually eight.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: There are eight. Oh my goodness.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: I won't tell you how much money is in that point.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: I don't want to know. Every time I see you
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: have a crocheting what do you call it? A needle hook,
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  Speaker 1: something in your hand with what is it?
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  Speaker 2: String?
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  Speaker 1: Is it woll What is the stuff?
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  Speaker 2: I'm using cotton at the moment, but you can use wolf.
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  Speaker 1: And you're making all these things, but I don't know
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  Speaker 1: what they are. You're making them and then they just disappear.
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  Speaker 1: We haven't watched a single day with a single dish
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  Speaker 1: colphy you've made. And I don't get to hold your
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: hand anymore. You don't look at me anymore. You're so
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  Speaker 1: busy you're going to end up short sighted because you
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: keep on staring at that little crocheting hooky thing and
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: doing what you're doing.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: You know, I have always been a really creative person,
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  Speaker 2: and when we had young children, used to go off
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  Speaker 2: to work and you'd come home and the house was
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: an absolute disarray.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: She was so busy sewing and doing.
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  Speaker 2: Because I've always had this thing where I just I
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: have to I have to finish the things that I start,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: and I never had a designated space to do anything,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: so I didn't want to pack it all up and
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: then have to pull it all out again the next
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: day to do things. But it's been a really long
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: time since I've created, so it's been fun doing things
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: with Emily. But she also asked me to learn crochet
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: with her. So she's been sewing on the sewing machine,
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: but she wanted to learn crochet. Well, she doesn't like crochet.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: She's decided it's a little bit too tricky for her
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: right this minute. But meantime, I never thought I could crochet,
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: and I've actually taken to it pretty well.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: You're an addict.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: I'm not an aduct. You were just I'm loving.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: The fact that you are unstoppable. You are relentless.
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  Speaker 2: I don't have to think about anything else while I'm
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: doing it.
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  Speaker 1: You don't have to including dinner and where the kids
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: are supposed to be at what time, and whether it's.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Be need to just carry in your handbag. And then
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: when you're stuck at the doctors or you're stuck waiting
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: for a child to come out of school or an.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Appointment, it's so funny because I used to get cranky
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: out because you're on your phone, and now it's like,
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: would you just put the wool down?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, pick your battles, my friend.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Focus on me, focus on me. Feeling neglected? All right,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: you're all do better tomorrow. This podcast drops just hours
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: before you fly. We have a tradition. Walk us through it.
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  Speaker 2: Well, when our kids turn sixteen, we take them overseas
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  Speaker 2: so that they can spend some time with us. And unfortunately,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: you're actually not able to do this trip with me.
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  Speaker 2: But this one's a little bit of a might be
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  Speaker 2: a cheat, a cheap part of tradition.
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  Speaker 1: Well, there's not just one child going this time. Everyone's like,
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: we're coming to I am.
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  Speaker 2: Taking three of our children. So our twenty two year
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  Speaker 2: old's coming, our sixteen year old's coming, and our nineteen
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  Speaker 2: year old is coming.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but I'm not you're not Are you going to
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  Speaker 1: take a croche needle.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, I definitely am taking my croche needle.
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling the neglect.
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  Speaker 2: But this is, this is it's a really it's really
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  Speaker 2: exciting as a mum of now adult children to be
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: able to spend time with them in a space that
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: doesn't require parental guidance. I guess like that you get
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: to kind of almost be equals.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: So church camp. We've been taking the kids over to
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  Speaker 1: a church camp when they turn sixteen for years now.
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  Speaker 1: We don't go every year, obviously, but you've decided that, well,
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  Speaker 1: they do it.
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  Speaker 2: There's an adults church.
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  Speaker 1: They do an adult version of it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I get to stay on campus for a
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: whole week in the dorms. Because I've never done university,
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  Speaker 2: I've I've never done anything like that, so it's actually
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  Speaker 2: kind of a a little bit fun.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Super cheap, like you've got to pay for the flights
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  Speaker 1: betther than that, Like the accommodation is dirt cheap, and
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  Speaker 1: the camp itself is it's.
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  Speaker 2: Just university classes all day.
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  Speaker 1: It's like a public service, like from a financial point
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  Speaker 1: of view, they barely charge for it. So it's an
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  Speaker 1: extremely cheap holiday, even though it sounds fancy to go
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  Speaker 1: to the States for like nearly two weeks. Are you
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: going to leave me alone for two weeks?
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  Speaker 2: I think you're on the wrong podcast and nobody's right.
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  Speaker 1: So you're going to go and have a great time
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  Speaker 1: with three vakus.
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  Speaker 2: I'm really excited because we have two children, nineteen and
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  Speaker 2: twenty two, who are about to make some really big
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  Speaker 2: ships in their life. Our nineteen year old is about
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  Speaker 2: to leave us for eighteen months to serve a mission
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  Speaker 2: for our church, and our twenty two year old has
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  Speaker 2: decided that she wants to move to America and study,
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: and she's been accepted to go on study in Idaho.
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  Speaker 2: She's going to freeze. But big life changes, and so
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: we get to have this week or two away where
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: we get to spend time together.
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  Speaker 1: And just when you say we, you mean you and
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  Speaker 1: the girls, not me.
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  Speaker 2: It's a girl's trip. Are you planning on putting a
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: skirt on?
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  Speaker 1: No? No, although my legs look great now that I'm
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: back on the bike. Stops to take home message.
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  Speaker 2: I've said this one before, but makeup excuses to celebrate
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: all the time, like find ways to celebrate, and it
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  Speaker 2: doesn't have to be an American trip. It doesn't have
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  Speaker 2: to even be a go away trip, make things special
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  Speaker 2: by celebrating this is a really important time in our kids' lives,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: and we're watching them literally fly the coop and start
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: a new season of their lives. And I'm so excited
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  Speaker 2: for them. But there's also a part of being that's
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: deeply sad that we're going to lose them and that
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: our lives will be different as a result. But if
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: you've been listening to the podcast for a while now,
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  Speaker 2: you'll know. For me, it's just about celebrating the small stuff.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: But this isn't actually small. Our kids are making some
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  Speaker 2: really big life changes. They're going into a new season
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  Speaker 2: of life for themselves, and it's really exciting and it's
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: really scary, and it's really joyful. It's joyful. I love
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  Speaker 2: seeing my kids get to a point where they're ready
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: and they have the confidence, and I think this is
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  Speaker 2: really big that they have the confidence to leave home
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  Speaker 2: and do something hard. That's what excites me, and so
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  Speaker 2: this trip is actually about celebrating that.
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  Speaker 1: I love it. He I was talking about sixteen year old,
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  Speaker 1: the youngest one that's going away with you, and she
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  Speaker 1: told me that she's gone back and listened to the
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  Speaker 1: last handful of older bitter. Tomorrow's our Friday edition of
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: the podcast, and she's not in it. She's not in it,
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  Speaker 1: and so therefore it has been boring. Guess what, lil,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: you're not in this one either. Oh well, you just
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: go a brief mention just now. But after the break,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: one of the kids has a new boyfriend. I'm not
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: impressed and I might have gotten it all wrong. I'll
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: tell you more about it right after this. We're back
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  Speaker 1: a happy Family's podcast. Okay, here's the deal.
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  Speaker 2: You got me curious.
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  Speaker 1: You know how I'm pairenting extra.
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  Speaker 2: You haven't told me anything. You know how about this?
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  Speaker 1: You know how to talk about how we're supposed to
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: make sure that we fill our kids cups. We have
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: lots of connection and make sure that we keep correction
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: and direction to a minimum. Picture this. It's eight o'clock
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  Speaker 1: in the morning. One of the kids are still asleep
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  Speaker 1: because she was on a date the night before with
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: a boy that I just haven't been impressed with. So
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I go into her bedroom to wake her up. And
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: the way that I tell people to wake their kids
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  Speaker 1: up in my workshops is that you sit on the bed.
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  Speaker 1: You get my squeeze. You say, hey, kiddo, looking forward
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  Speaker 1: to today? Can I get you some breaky? Would you
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: like hot chocolate? How about a hug? All that sort
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: of stuff, right, lots and lots of love, connection, love. Yeah.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: I opened the door. I can't believe I'm sharing this
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  Speaker 1: on the pod. I opened the door. I called her
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: by name. I say, you need to get up. This
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  Speaker 1: is ridiculous. You were out last night with bugger lugs
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  Speaker 1: and now look at you. It's it's eight o'clock in
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: the morning and you can't move. This is ridiculous. Get up.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: And she sort of gone as you'd expect, and then
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I said to her, I'm really upset to you with him.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: You need to break it off now. And then I
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: walked out of the room. How's that for pairing?
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: Amazing?
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: I'm just nailing it up.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: You nailed it.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Protective dad has stepped in and with the best of intentions,
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: it hasn't worked out very well. I just oh, and
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: I walked out and straight away I looked at the
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: ceiling and I gave myself an uppercut and was like,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: what was that like? Seriously, if somebody told you that
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: they had done that, you know what I would say.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, well, you need to make that right,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: and there are other things that you could have done instead,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: like I'd be working with people to get it right.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: So I took a big, deep breath and walked away
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: because I just knew that that wasn't the right time.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: But later that afternoon, so we're going six or seven
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: hours into the seat, I did best six seven, six
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: seven hours, never mind about six six or seven hours.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Like I've walked into the bedroom. She's sitting in the
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: bedroom doing some crochet. Yeah, that's right, you and your
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: grandma hobbies. And I said, hey, can we chat? And
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: she just grunted at me, like not really, And I said,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I promise I'm not going to say anything nasty. So
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: she said sure, what do you want to talk about it?
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: And I said, this morning I really blew it and
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I apologized to her. I made you feel lousy. Please
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: forgive me. She said fine, and I said, okay, So
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: here's what I want to talk to you about. And
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: it started a question. And I've asked this question of
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: the kids before. I don't know if I've ever talked
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: about on the podcast before, but it may be one
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: of the most powerful questions we can ask our children.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I just said to her, what don't I know? Like
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: this situation? I don't like the situation, but I also
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: know that I don't know everything. And I know that
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: you're a smart kid. I know that you make wise choices.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I know that you're thoughtful. What is it that I
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: don't know about this guy and about this relationship and
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: about what's going on here? Because I I must be
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: missing something, like I've got to be missing something. And
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: she just opened up. She said, let me tell you
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: what you don't know. And she started to tell me
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: all the things that I didn't know. And it wasn't rude.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: She wasn't like, you don't know anything, Dad, you're just
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: obnoxious and a buffet And it was none of that.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Here's what's happened, here's how things have shifted, here's what's changed.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: And as I listened, I said, Okay, well I'm I
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: remained skeptical. Well, I'm your dad, and my whole job
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: is to keep you safe. But now that you're sharing
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: that with me, I get why you feel the way
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: you feel and why your actions are what they are.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: So then we've got to have a bit more of
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: a chat. About how she can be considerate, how she
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: can be mindful, how she can be wise, safe and
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: healthy and indecisions that she's making. And the clincher for
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: me that I got it right was that night as
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: we sat around the table. We often talk about stuff
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: that's happened during the day. We might say where you
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: see bravery or when you see consideration, or where you
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: see healthy relationships, or what were your grateful for? And
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: on that day we were doing grateful things, and her
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: grateful thing was, I'm really grateful for the conversation. I've
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: got to have a dad this afternoon that he listened
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: and that he was paying attention to it was open
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: to hearing my side of things. And you know what
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: I thought, Kaiety, you nailed it. Nailed it, That's what
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: I thought. He absolutely nailed it. But I completely failed
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: it that morning. So I had a lot of ground
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: to make up, and I felt like I made it
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: up pretty neatly. So that's my older bet it tomorrow.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: The question is what don't I know? What is it
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: that I'm missing here? Because I can only see things
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: from my perspective, And it's incredible when you ask that
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: with the right intent, How the kids open up.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: Recently, I was reading an article and there was just
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: an acknowledgment that we are a mix of our worst
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: days and our best days. And I think as parents,
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: so often we kind of almost like throw ourselves under
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: the bus and berade ourselves for getting it wrong. But
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: so many times it's actually the clarity that we receive
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: after getting it wrong that helps us be better. And
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: so I just think it's really important for us to
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: remember that getting it wrong doesn't make us bad people.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: It's if we continue to get it wrong and we
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: don't recognize.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's about the repair. Yeah yeah, because there's going
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: to be ruptures all over the place. So hopefully there's
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: minutes before you for this weekend for your family. We
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: really appreciate that you listen to the podcast. If you knew,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: welcome probably should have said at the start of today's podcast,
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: but thanks for being with us. The Happy Families podcast
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: audio and sound by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Additional
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: admin and other support from Mim Hammond's at Happy Families,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: and if you'd like more info to make your family happier,
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: you'll find it all at happy families dot com dot au.