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Why friends with benefits doesn't work · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, Beautiful people.
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  Today we're talking about friends with benefits with a
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  narcissist or toxic person. If you're new here, my name is
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  Lee Hammock. I'm a clinically diagnosed
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  narcissist and welcome to another episode of the
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  Narcissist Code. So welcome back, welcome back,
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  welcome back folks. Yes, yes, yes.
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  Friends with benefits with a narcissistic person.
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  What's it like being friends with benefits with a narcissist
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  like so if you're let me see how, how do I say this and be
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  nice? If you don't know what friends
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  with benefits is, it is when you are clapping cheeks with no
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  strings attached when you are having, you know, physical
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  intimacy, bedroom, bedroom play without the relationship
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  dynamic, right? You're just friends with the
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  benefit of banging, bumping uglies.
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  How how the folks used to say back in the day, this is happens
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  all the time, y'all. This is something that that
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  consistently, continuously happens to a lot of people in
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  this space. Like you become friends with
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  benefits with a toxic narcissistic person.
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  There's there's like so many people do this, so many people
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  fall into this dynamic, like either you start off in this
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  situationship, either like the relationship starts off this way
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  where like there's no, there's never, ever a label given to the
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  relationship, right? You're you're doing everything
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  but actually in a relationship, like you're sleeping together,
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  you're doing everything together, but you're not
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  actually technically in a relationship and a narcissist
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  types of person whoever never officially just says, Oh, we're
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  together, but they treat you like you're together.
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  You know, friends with benefits like you don't like you're not
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  in a you're not in technically in a relationship, right?
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  This only this really typically our only benefits the
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  narcissist, right? It really does like they get to
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  like, because if you're friends with benefits with a narcissist,
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  like I said, like I said, you could possibly be doing
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  everything. You, you look like you're in a
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  relationship, but you don't actually ever get to officially
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  get that label. You ain't, you're just, oh,
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  we're just friends. You, you'll ask the question,
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  you'll say something like, Hey, what are we?
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  And they'll say, oh, we're friends.
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  You know, we're just friends. We're just, we're just seeing,
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  we're just having fun. We're just seeing how we're just
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  seeing how things will go. That typically only benefits
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  them because technically if they go out here and sleep with
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  somebody else or do something with somebody else, they can
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  just tell you we're just friends.
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  To a narcissist. Friends with benefits normally
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  means one sided open-ended relationship.
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  You don't get to do what I get to do.
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  I set the standards for this relationship.
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  I set the rules for this relationship.
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  You do not get to do what I get to do.
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  And it's like an unspoken rule. Sometimes it's sometimes it's
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  spoken, sometimes it's absolutely spoken.
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  You know where they will just absolutely tell you, hey, you
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  don't get to do what I get to do.
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  Like I make the rules here, you know, we tell you like if you
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  want to be in a relationship with me, you can't do anything,
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  but I can, you know, and then if you catch them, quote UN quote,
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  catch them doing something outside the relationship space,
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  they can always just tell you, we're only friends.
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  We're just friends. We're not.
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  It's not technically cheating because we're not together.
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  That's technically what friends with benefits means to a
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  narcissist. Y'all like it?
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  It just means one sided open-ended relationship.
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  Open related, not open-ended open relationship.
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  You know open relationship is right.
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  I can go out here and sleep with whoever I want to, do whoever I
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  want to, go on dates with whoever I want to.
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  But if you do it, you, if you do it, you're a dirty nasty whore
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  or slut or pimp, whatever they want to call you.
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  They'll call you names, they'll belittle you, they'll demean
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  you, they'll devalue you. You know, friends with benefits.
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  I Yeah, I don't recommend doing this with a narcissist,
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  Lieutenant. I don't recommend doing this
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  with anybody because it's very difficult to just keep it on one
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  level. It's very difficult that you'd
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  be sleeping with somebody for years and just keep it on a
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  friendship level. Hey, we're going to meet here at
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  8. Clap.
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  We're going to clap, make the clapping noises.
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  Then we're going to leave by 830.
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  Got it. See you there.
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  It's very difficult to do that with no feelings attached.
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  Hope you have a good day. All right.
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  See you later next time. Same place next time you know,
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  and this is what happens, y'all, because they if you actually
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  want to be in a relationship with them, right?
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  They'll string you along for a long time, maybe promising to be
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  in a relate of a deep relationship with you later on,
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  right? They might promise you like
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  later on, late, late. If you play your role long
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  enough, you'll be the one sooner or later.
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  And then they end up in a actual relationship with somebody else.
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  But don't necessarily cut you off.
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  They'll keep you as friends with benefits while they're building
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  something with someone else. They'll be friends with benefits
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  with you while they're married to someone else.
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  While they're marrying or engaged to someone else, they'll
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  still be friends with benefits with you.
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  They'll still keep you in this situationship and not allow you
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  to move on and still lie to you and just say, hey, look, I get
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  pressured into marrying this person.
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  I was pressured into marrying them.
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  I just. I don't really want to be
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  married. I really want you, but I don't
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  know how to get out of this. Give me time, please.
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  Let's keep sleeping together. Let's keep doing what we've been
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  doing. But give me time, please.
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  They will waste your whole life doing that.
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  And will some people agree to do that for the rent for a long ass
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  time? Yeah.
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  Something y'all will. Let's be real.
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  Something y'all will. This has been a situation ship
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  for 10 years. What?
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  They keep making me promises that they're going to leave
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  their partner and did it. But come on y'all, come on, we
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  got to go. It's wake up season.
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  It's it's wake up time right now.
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  It's absolutely wake up season. Y'all have to have some type of
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  discipline. This is speaking directly to the
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  Survivor Thriver. Whatever role you playing, you
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  have to have some type of sexual discipline.
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  Well, Lee is so good. I just don't want to let that
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  go. You, if you don't have any
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  discipline, you going to ruin your damn life.
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  I promise you, if you don't have this type of discipline, sexual
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  discipline, bedroom discipline, you're going to ruin your life.
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  I never had it like that before. So what, you got to have some
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  type of discipline or it's pointless.
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  Listen to any of these videos, really realistically listening
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  to any type of video to help you heal, to help you grow, but not
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  having discipline is going to be a colossal waste of your time,
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  y'all? You have to put it in the work.
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  You have to have the discipline. You have to build it.
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  If you don't have any discipline now, you have to be willing to
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  build that discipline. You have to be willing to set
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  some boundaries. You have to be willing to have
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  boundaries and discipline for yourself.
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  We got to wake up this year, y'all.
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  This is wake up season. If you don't wake up now, you
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  might not ever wake up. Bully, It's been 10 years and I
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  just what are you? What story are you telling
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  yourself? That said, what story are you
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  telling yourself right now that makes you think that this person
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  will tell you this lie for 10 years?
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  The year elevens will be different.
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  Year 5 is going to be different. Year six is going to be
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  different. They will keep you around
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  because it benefits them. What's typically the benefit
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  when they, when they when they offer you friends with benefits,
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  typically the benefit is not just sexual for them.
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  They get to have access to you. They get to have access to your
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  time, effort, energy, sometimes your money, your body,
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  everything. Friends with benefits to a
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  narcissist is benefits. Benefits, not just one benefit.
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  It's benefits plural plural they will take advantage of you for a
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  very long time to waste your youth, waste your time, waste
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  your primary your life, waste your resources and have you like
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  you. You might actually meet a decent
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  person. But this friends with benefits
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  narcissistic person will just like oh if you talk to them I
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  can't talk to you anymore. I guess if you give up on a good
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  person to have a shot at being with this toxic person and ruin
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  your life, miss out on good people friends with benefits
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  with a narcissist is a is a horrible idea.
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  And sometimes even if you've been in a relationship with this
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  person, right, because not everybody starts off this way.
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  Some people are already in a relation in actual relationship
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  or married to this narcissistic person.
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  Then y'all get separated or divorced or break up.
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  They offer you this now let's keep sleeping around together.
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  Let's let's go through the whole divorce process.
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  Let's get completely divorced, but let's keep being friends
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  with benefits for the kids, right?
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  The kids want to see us being able to Co parent.
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  You know they're better. You know the kids want to see us
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  being amicable and what's more amicable than sleeping together?
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  What? What's more amicable than the
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  parents still sleeping together even though they've been
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  separated or broken up for years?
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  They will offer you this as friendly.
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  Let's say friends that can we at least be friends after y'all
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  broken up or divorced or whatever?
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  Can we say friends? That means they want to be more
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  than friends. They still want access to you.
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  You don't want to be friends with somebody who abused you
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  emotionally, physically, or mentally, y'all?
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  Why would you want to be friends with somebody like that who's
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  hurt you repeatedly? If they've hurt you in an
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  intimate relationship, chances are they're going to hurt you in
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  just a friendship. I promise you, you're not going
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  to go from your worst enemy, you're the biggest abusive
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  person in your life to your best friend.
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  That doesn't work that way. They want some type of benefit.
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  There's benefits for them keeping you as a friend.
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  It allows them to have access to your life, ask you deep
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  penetrating questions that nobody normally could ask if
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  y'all were just your Co parenting or whatever.
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  You know sometimes kids are not even involved and they'll just
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  offer you to sleep together. Whatever I've said.
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  I've heard this story before y'all.
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  I still do my one on ones over zoom, my zoom coaching.
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  I've heard the stories like this before where people will break
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  up, not have any not y'all break be married, not be married or be
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  in a long term relationship, break up or get divorced.
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  There is no kids involved. Then they offer you friends with
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  benefits. Y'all still keep sleeping
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  together and guess what happens? They have you get a baby after
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  the divorce, divorce or after the breakup and that person has
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  moved on. So now they're going to be tied
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  to you. You could you could have been
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  set free but now they're going to be tied.
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  You're going to be tied to this person for the rest of your life
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  because you were friends want to be friends with benefits or this
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  the sexual discipline was lacking and now you got a baby
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  after the relationship has ended.
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  The relation you, you got, you are free.
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  But now you even more stuck and tied to the person now for the
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  rest of your life. You see what I'm saying?
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  Discipline, this I plan. That's what you break it down
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  from discipline is this I planned.
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  This is a plan. This I plan, I plan.
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  I have to plan. Plan not to stay friends with an
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  abusive person. Plan not to let allow this
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  abusive person to remain in your life and to continuously to hurt
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  you and harm you and things like that.
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  Plan it. You have to plan it out.
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  You have to plan to be strong. You have to plan things out.
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  Y'all do not. And this is my recommendation.
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  I know everybody's not going to listen to me.
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  Some people think they're, you know, y'all know more than I do.
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  Some people are not going to listen to me regardless.
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  You know, Lee, you're nurses. Why would I listen to you?
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  Lee, you still married? Why?
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  Why wouldn't I listen to you? Listen to me, y'all?
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  It doesn't affect me what you do.
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  It's your life, you get to live it, but how are you going to
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  live it? You going to live it to the
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  fullest extent or you going to live it still attached and
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  bonded to this person, being friends with benefit with no
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  plan of action to change that. There's no plan for the future.
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  We're just messing around. Let's just why do you want to
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  ruin what we have? I think things are going well
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  right now. Why do we want to add things to
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  it? Stop letting people feel feed
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  you this BS as long as if you're eating the BS they're going to
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  spoon feed to you. Open up a little little
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  narcissistic airplane the BS like you do kids how you feed
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  kids a little airplane spoon open up here going with the BS
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  here going with the BS airplane open up open up, open up.
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  It's delicious isn't it? You're going to keep eating the
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  stop eating the BS anyways, y'all make sure you subscribe to
• 11:37
  the channel. Check out my courses support
• 11:39
  group, check out my kids book. Remember, it's not your fault.
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  It's helping a lot of kids in toxic relationship dynamics.
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  Link is in the description of every video and podcast I do.
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  Mental illness is out. Peace.
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  Oh yeah, my Facebook is still hacked right now.
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  Do not buy anything from anybody message you on Facebook gal.
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  It's not me. It's still hacked right now.
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  I will let you. I'll post a picture of myself
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  some saying something like if if and when I get it back.
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  Hopefully I get it back. So peace.
• 12:04
  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
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  I am extremely grateful for you have no idea.
• 12:08
  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
• 12:10
  to the channel helps reach more people and click on the screen
• 12:13
  to watch another video or to browse through another playlist.
• 12:15
  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
• 12:18
  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
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  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
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  I will see you in the next video.
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  Peace.