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Transcript

Oh Deer! · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 0:56
  Hi everybody, it's Sasha, and I have a thousand things to tell you. We missed therapy for the last three weeks. Two weeks because I don't even remember, and then last week because of the blizzard. So it's been three weeks since we went to therapy, and it is not cool. I'm also concerned about how much therapy we're gonna miss this month anyway.
• 1:18
  We can't go next week because the husband's out of town, and our therapist is four hours away. Right? And so we have to leave, like, early in the morning, go to therapy, and then get back late in the evening. But we can't do that when he's out of town because the children have to get off to school, and someone has to be there when they get off the bus because, you know, we're legit parents and all, apparently. So except for the week after that, then we won't have any sessions at the end of the month because of the holidays.
• 1:52
  So it's really not cool to miss this much therapy. We have to be there tomorrow. And our therapist is four hours away, so it's a rural drive down an old highway for four hours to get to our therapist. The problem was we noticed on the weather app that it's supposed to snow again tomorrow. It's making me crazy.
• 2:15
  Why did we move here? There's so much snow. Our plan was to drive down today so that we could beat the snow, spend the night in town, and then go to therapy in the morning and get back in the afternoon before the worst of it was or spend another night if it wasn't safe to drive home. But when it was Saturday night, so, like, last night, right, I think, ugh, I hate time. Why is time so confusing?
• 2:41
  I can't even figure it out. I think it was last night. Last night, Saturday night? It doesn't matter. Point is, we found out the snow was starting early, and we had to get out of there fast if we were gonna keep our appointment.
• 2:55
  I threw things in our bag, grabbed like the bear we have to bring and all the crayons and markers and those bags with paints and everything else and our notebooks that we write in. I threw clothes in a suitcase, pajamas, and grabbed our toothbrush, whatever we need. Right? Threw it in a suitcase, grabbed a coat, which I hate coats and don't actually wear them. But I grabbed the coat, and we loaded up the car, threw in some food.
• 3:20
  The husband and the kids picked out some food, so it was kind of hilarious what ended up in the car. And I started driving. So our plan was to get in town a little after 11:00 last night, which was too late to be driving, except we didn't know until, like, 08:00 that the snow was coming early. So we couldn't we packed up as quickly as we could and got out of there. Right?
• 3:44
  But even then, by the time we got on the road, the snow had already started, and the roads were slick. But not so bad I couldn't drive. I just had to slow down and be careful. So I was going slower than I usually do. Okay.
• 3:57
  A lot slower than I usually drive, but we're not gonna talk about that on the podcast. Right? So I was driving slower than I usually drive, but it was also super dark. This was a little bit disorienting. I wanna talk about this a little bit because I think it's part of being DID or having DID, whatever is the word.
• 4:17
  I don't know the word for it, but sometimes it's, like, really easy to be disoriented, like, where I am in the world or, like, what's happening around me or I don't even know how to explain it. But here's the thing. Here's how I can describe it. This trip that we drive to get to our therapist every Monday, usually, we drive early in the morning because we leave before dark between five and six usually. So by the time we get to the place where we stop and rest at the halfway mark, sometimes we take a nap, sometimes we have to hit the playground, but always we stop and rest halfway.
• 4:56
  And usually by the time we get there, the sun is starting to come up. But this trip, because I left at eight in the evening, it just was getting darker and darker and darker, and especially because it was nighttime. I mean, obviously, because it was nighttime. See, it was so disorienting. I can't even make sense trying to tell you about it.
• 5:16
  It was disorienting. Is that even a word? Did I make that up? I that's the word. I think that's the right word.
• 5:22
  I don't know. Anyway, it was very disorienting or I was disoriented because I kept expecting the sun to come up, but I I knew I knew that it was I knew I knew I knew that it was nighttime, so, of course, the sun is not coming up. But, also, it was weird that it wasn't. I know that sounds crazy. It may it doesn't make sense, but it was really trippy to me the whole time that it was only staying dark and not getting lighter while we were driving to the therapist, even though I was fully aware it was nighttime.
• 6:03
  So that seems a little crazy. Because of that, I was already in kind of a weird place, but I was doing okay. The further we drove, like, the more the more that we drove, the more that we got out of the storm. So, like, first, the snow stopped, but it was still kind of sleeting. But then the sleet stopped, but it was still kind of raining.
• 6:26
  And I could see on the dashboard of the car that the temperature was going up. So we were getting out of the front or out of the storm or whatever, and it was getting better. That's the point. It was getting easier to drive. And then finally, the road started clean clearing up.
• 6:45
  So I'm really glad we left when we did. But after an but after about an hour of being on the road or no. I don't know why I'm having trouble communicating today. It's like I'm not fully present or something. After about an hour after getting out of the storm, like, not just since we had driving, but since the storm had settled.
• 7:13
  We are driving along, driving, driving, driving. It's very dark, and all of a sudden, there was a massive deer in the headlights, like, right in front of my car. You guys, it scared me so bad. It was massive. It was so huge.
• 7:28
  Like, it was bigger than my car. I don't even know how to tell you. And it had all those horns or whatever on it. Scared the out of me. Oh my goodness.
• 7:39
  I can't even tell you. And because I was coming up on it in the night with my headlights, it looked like it was just pure white. It was I can't even tell you how bad it scared me. And I don't know how I didn't hit it. I would have killed it.
• 7:53
  It would have killed me. Like, it would have been a mutual Romeo and Juliet. It was bad. It was so I'm still worked up about it. And this was last night, and now it's, like, almost been twenty four hours.
• 8:06
  That's false because it's still daylight. But you know what I mean. Like, it's the next day, and I'm still so shaken up. I somehow managed to avoid it. Like, I swerved to the left.
• 8:16
  Like, I know it wasn't doing anything wrong. It was walking where it wanted to walk. We are the ones who paved our roads through its pathways. Like, it's our fault for being not mine personally, but also, you know, like humanity, paving our way through the forest. So and I know that, like, to walk I mean, I know to I know to watch for deer where we live.
• 8:46
  Like, there's a lot of deer, and I know to watch them early in the mornings, but I never seen one at night like that. And it so I was not expecting it, and it scared me to death. I did manage to avoid it. Like, I don't know where the race car driving skills came from or who has that ability, but I swerved to the left really quick, like, flung my car into the other lane and somehow got around it, but do not know how I avoided hitting it. And then I had to swerve back to the right and get my lane really fast because a big old semi truck was coming my way, and it was like, oh, you guys, it scared me so bad.
• 9:27
  I can't even tell you. And I'm okay. I'm fine. My car is fine. The deer is fine.
• 9:34
  I do not know how we did not hit that deer. Like, it was massive and right in front of us. Not like down the road, and I need to pull over or honk or flash my lights or get around it or something. I mean, like, was right there. Like, right there.
• 9:51
  Right there. I can't even I can't even tell you. It was so scary. So I managed to get around the deer. My adrenaline was pumping.
• 10:00
  I could not call my husband because I would just make him worry. Well, I mean, I probably should have, but I haven't even told him about this yet, but I haven't seen him either. So I just ugh. It was just it was just crazy. And so I kept driving because I didn't feel safe to stop there, but tears were just pouring down my face.
• 10:26
  And it was a while before I could get to that halfway place where I could pull over to stop. And when I finally did and turned off the car, I was just sobbing, like bawling like a baby. Like, you guys, you have no idea. Ugh. And then all the rest of the drive home, like that deer just kept appearing right in front of my eyes.
• 10:46
  And that's what I'm talking about. That's why I wanna tell you this story because it's like a neutral example without being creepy about or by talk. Talk. Talk. Talk.
• 10:56
  Focus. Focus. That's what I wanna tell you because it's like a neutral example without being all creepy from or trigger y or whatever from my own, like, past or, like, their abuse stories that they have or whatever. Like, I can tell you what those flashes are like because it was just a deer. And that's exactly what it's like all the time with everything else.
• 11:21
  And so trying to draw get back on the road and drive home, like I kept seeing this deer and kept seeing this deer and kept seeing this deer. And then all night, I dreamed about the deer. And then this morning, there's the deer. There's the deer. There's it, like, playing in front of my eyes even though oh my goodness.
• 11:40
  I just started almost a ball right now, like, cry. I'm fine. That's the thing. Like, I'm fine. I didn't hit the deer.
• 11:47
  I didn't hurt the deer. The deer did not hurt me. Like, the deer is fine. I am fine. It was just such a close call.
• 11:56
  And you know what? Here's the thing. Like, that's exactly what therapy feels like. It's like you're driving in the dark, and then it feels terrifying because you see all this crap that comes up. And it's just nasty, and it's terrifying, and it's awful, and you think you're gonna die, except you don't because everything is okay now.
• 12:20
  It doesn't mean everything was okay. It doesn't mean it's okay what happened to you. But right now in the present is okay. Now time is safe. Oh my goodness.
• 12:31
  It was such an example for me and, like, such an analogy of what therapy is because I was okay. The dear I I was okay. I was safe. Everything's okay, but it was so scary to have that experience. And so, like, that feels like what therapy is for me.
• 12:49
  It's like going to therapy where I'm driving in the dark. I feel disoriented. Things don't feel right, but I think I know where I'm going. Although sometimes I don't even know where I'm going. Like, I know this road because I have to drive it every week.
• 13:02
  But sometimes it feels like, what if I took the wrong road? Or where am I on this road? Or how long have I been on the road? Or, like, I and it's a rural road, so there's not a lot of markers. Like, there's a halfway spot, and the rest is just fields between our house and the halfway spot.
• 13:22
  And then between the halfway spot and the therapist's office, it's just, fields. And so, like, there's no way to really measure well where you're at other than watching the clock or looking at the GPS. But I know the way, so I don't really use a GPS. Although now that I say that out loud, maybe I should just for tracking purposes. Maybe that would be helpful.
• 13:46
  It seems like, why is everything such an easy fix when it feels so hard? It makes me feel so stupid. Except I'm not stupid, and I'm not foolish. Like, I just know how to get there. But that makes sense.
• 13:56
  Whoever is saying that, that makes sense. I could use the GPS just to track that. Thank you, good doctor, whatever. But, anyway, the point is it was a terrifying experience, but it was an example of just real life without it being, like, an ugly example from the past that I wanted to share with you because it really impacted me. And so I couldn't process that because it kept popping up in front of my eyes.
• 14:21
  So I was not functioning well, still was not shaking off this morning. But I dreamed about this deer all night because it had so many horn not horns. Horns is not the right word in English. What do you say? Blast.
• 14:34
  What is that word? Antlers. Antlers. So it had all of these antlers, like so many points or whatever. Right?
• 14:44
  And so, like, it was just massive. Like, this was not a little deer. It was not a girl deer. It was a male deer, and it was huge, like, as big as my car. Like, if I didn't know better, I would think it was an elk or something.
• 14:59
  Like, it was so big, and it was massive. And because my headlights were shining on it in the dark, it was just pure white. And so I dreamed about this deer all night long. And so this morning when I woke up, I thought, if this is an analogy for therapy, then, like, what would, like, Kris tell me? Because Kris does all this dream work or all this Jungian stuff she knows about.
• 15:23
  Right? So I was thinking, like, what does it mean, this deer that I mean, obviously, it came from yesterday because I saw it while I was driving, and that was so scary. I get that. But it kept playing in my dream, and I thought, I wonder what it means. Like, is that a symbol or something?
• 15:42
  Why would this deer just all of a sudden be there? Because if it was there for me just to die, like, okay. Your nine lives are up on mortality. Your time on earth is done. Like, I would be dead because there's no reason, no reason at all for me to not have hit that deer.
• 16:03
  Like and it would have crushed me. It was as big as my car. I know I keep saying that, but who are you guys? Oh my goodness. And so, anyway, so I looked it up in this, like, Native American book, like, and dream symbols and all this stuff, and you will not believe this.
• 16:27
  It's kind of amazing. It's kind of amazing. It's all about how well, hold on. Let me look it up because I wanna get I don't wanna mess it up. I wrote it down for therapy.
• 16:46
  Okay. I appropriate response is to call a meeting as you are being asked to endure a season of communication with others, increase in connectedness, and to go through the painful process that is recovery, regeneration, and regrowth. The white stag is a sign of the great spirit and means you have been alert and aware, prepared for the task to which you are called. It is a message of get ready. What?
• 17:32
  Are you guys serious? Like, are you serious? That's what this deer appearing in front of my car and staying in my dreams all night. Like, yes, it was just a bit of a trauma. I mean, it was driving trauma.
• 17:45
  Right? Like, that counts. It's not it doesn't minimize any big scary stuff from the past, but I can still say that this was scary to me. If I if it's my analogy is about therapy, then what I have to do with this, instead of keep having flashbacks about a deer, I've got to, like, process it and find meaning in it. Right?
• 18:06
  So I looked this up and just as a neutral example, like, just for the practice of it. Right? Like, I'm not really way, way out there, creepy weirdo person all the time, but just to practice finding meaning and just to practice applying all these things in such a neutral example where I have no other dear trauma. This is my only dear trauma. And so if I can use this, like, neutral example where there's not layers and layers and layers of lots of other things in my way and lots of other people that are triggered inside or lots of other issues that are triggered like dominoes trying to deal with it, then it's a very good, like, practice experience to figure out what this deer means.
• 18:52
  And when I read that, when I looked it up just to try finding meaning or or exploring that and trying to put it into context or rephrase it or whatever are the right words, like, it was so powerful to me, you guys. It was amazing. So it's like instead of this being a trauma that was so shaking me up, now it's become this thing about it's a reminder, a symbol, or a sign of being connected to others. So, like, I almost can't even stay present in my body right now because my mind is so blown. Like, is it because I'm reaching out to you guys and you guys have connected with me, and I'm finally participating in the groups after, like, lurking for ages?
• 19:51
  Or is it because we're starting to talk a little bit inside? Is it because of the notebooks, and we're starting to actually read the notebooks? So we're getting to know each other a little bit inside. Or is it because I'm going to therapy? Is it because I'm actually trying to commit and participate in my family?
• 20:11
  Like, there's all these layers of connectedness just like it said. And then the same thing for communication. Like, we're writing in the notebooks. We're listening to each other. We're trying to respect each other's boundaries.
• 20:22
  We're trying to, like, get to know what everybody needs and who people are and who does what and all these things, and we're communicating with the therapist. We're even communicating with the husband. Like, this is insane. This whole deer thing. It has just blown my mind.
• 20:42
  So the one who paints, who doesn't I don't have permission to say her name, so I'm not saying her name. But we have one who paints, and that's basically, like, the only way she expresses herself is through painting and drawing. And so maybe she can draw us a deer. And if we can if we can get a good picture of a deer that we're comfortable sharing, maybe we'll put it up on the blog and you can see. But I had to tell you the story what happened because it was like a scary thing that happened except I was okay.
• 21:16
  Now time is safe. But also, instead of just getting stuck and all worked up and drowning in it because in the like, a week ago or two weeks ago, okay, maybe six months ago, it would have just meant I no longer drive my car ever. That's what it would have meant six months ago. So it takes it means I mean, it's what's the word? Let me finish.
• 21:41
  We're so close. It counts as progress. That's what it is. It counts as progress of, like, being able to deal with something that was hard. Like, maybe it's just a stupid little example, but for me, it was a big deal.
• 21:58
  And I totally am claiming this as progress as a good example of being able to deal with something that was hard, being able to tolerate the feelings that came with it, and being able to find meaning in what I learned from it and reshaping it into something else. And so I'm super excited and, like, really proud of myself. I'm saying that now because I just have therapy tomorrow. I don't know if it will still be true when I have to drive myself home and go down that same road. But that's kind of part of therapy too.
• 22:31
  Right? Like, how am I gonna deal with that? What is the trigger? So we'll talk about that in therapy tomorrow, I'm sure. Whatever.
• 22:38
  But it was a big deal for me, and I had to share this and, like, say it out loud and put all the pieces there. And, also, we are parked at a park right now. And so I'm in my car talking, and there's a playground. And I'm totally having trouble being present and staying focused and being able to talk. So I think my turn is pretty much up.
• 22:59
  So that's what I wanted to share today, and I will check-in on the other side after the playground and see how like, what do you think? And can you think of a neutral example, or can you notice, or what can you do to notice new neutral examples of trauma, even if it's not big, big stuff, but something that's hard or something that's new or something that's different that you can face and deal with and totally get practice at those skills when it's not such a hard, scary deal because of the stuff from the past. Does that make sense? It was huge for me today. It feels like a bit of a breakthrough, and I just wanted to share it.
• 23:40
  So thanks, you guys. Bye. Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together.