Latest / Pretty In Pink Again / Episode 48: The Second Time Changes Everything. From One Child to Many — and the Overstimulation No One Explains

Transcript

Episode 48: The Second Time Changes Everything. From One Child to Many — and the Overstimulation No One Explains · Pretty In Pink Again

• 0:00
  I'm Christina.
• 0:00
  And I'm t and this is the Pretty and Pink Again podcast where motherhood meets red discovery.
• 0:16
  Today's episode is brought to you by Sam Funmi, a luxe hair salon in Avon, Connecticut.
• 0:21
  If you've ever wished for thicker, fuller, wow hair that still gives you that natural look, she is your girl.
• 0:26
  Sam is the bombshell hair extension queen and one that Christine and I trust for our own hair.
• 0:32
  And trust us when we say we've tried everything.
• 0:34
  These extensions feel incredibly natural.
• 0:36
  You can put your hair up, wear it down, style it however you want, and it looks seamless.
• 0:40
  What makes Sam's work so different is the method.
• 0:43
  The bombshell hair extensions use minimal points of contact and soft blended waves, which means no bulk, no pulling at your roots, and no stress on your natural hair that supports healthy regrowth instead of damaging it.
• 0:56
  Bombshell hair is the highest quality of hair, and Sam is a true extension specialist.
• 1:02
  Every install is customized, blended, and tailored to your hair and lifestyle.
• 1:06
  And the best part, these extensions are low maintenance.
• 1:09
  They last about 12 weeks and the monthly move up only take a few minutes, and honestly, it's a little treat to pop into the salon sometimes I even treat myself to a wash and blow dry when I'm there for my move up.
• 1:18
  So if you've been thinking about extensions, start with somebody you can trust.
• 1:22
  Start with Sam for our pretty and pink again, listeners use Cold Pippa for$100 off your next insulation.
• 1:29
  This is for new installs and new clients Only you can find Sam on Instagram at Paint Love Blend Hey.
• 1:37
  Hey.
• 1:37
  Hi.
• 1:38
  Hello.
• 1:39
  What's going on?
• 1:40
  Your hair looks so good.
• 1:41
  Thank you.
• 1:41
  I did.
• 1:42
  You color or?
• 1:42
  I got it lightened bright.
• 1:43
  I love, I like, I brightened it up when you have brightened pieces.
• 1:45
  Really?
• 1:46
  I love the brighter pieces.
• 1:47
  I was like very into the chocolate brown, obviously.
• 1:49
  I did my color analysis and then I feel like brown took over my entire personality.
• 1:53
  And so I was like, I wanna go back to my roots and just embraced not coloring my hair, but it got really dark.
• 2:00
  I feel like when there's no dimension.
• 2:02
  Like it, I hadn't colored it in so long.
• 2:03
  I actually feel like there was nothing on my hair besides some of the extension color.
• 2:07
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:07
  And it was dark.
• 2:08
  Yeah.
• 2:08
  I think you looked beautiful as a brunette.
• 2:10
  Thank you.
• 2:10
  But I just personally love brighter pieces on you.
• 2:12
  I need the brightness.
• 2:13
  I feel like it's like bright light bouncy.
• 2:15
  Yeah.
• 2:15
  I need that.
• 2:16
  I need that going for me, and like my personality, I'm like, I need to lighten up a little bit.
• 2:20
  So I feel, I do feel like a new person comes out when I have light hair.
• 2:24
  Did you do the new, the other hand tied extension method or did you do the same one?
• 2:28
  We did a little bit different of placement plus we did the hidden bead, like from within.
• 2:34
  So it's a little bit different.
• 2:35
  But you didn't do the two pieces?
• 2:37
  Did not like what, have No.
• 2:38
  You still did the halo different pieces?
• 2:40
  No,'cause I wanted all of, I still wanted like hair throughout and not just on the sides.
• 2:44
  I need it in the back too.
• 2:45
  Yeah.
• 2:46
  Okay.
• 2:46
  But I like it a lot.
• 2:48
  Yeah.
• 2:48
  The placement is a little bit different and now I can wear my hair up, so I'm very happy about that.
• 2:52
  I know a half up, half down look.
• 2:54
  Yep.
• 2:54
  And I've been throwing my hair back.
• 2:56
  Looks so nice.
• 2:56
  A ton.
• 2:56
  It's, you can't achieve that with the extensions.
• 2:59
  I know.
• 3:00
  I know.
• 3:00
  Okay.
• 3:00
  Yeah, no, it looks good.
• 3:01
  Okay.
• 3:02
  Can we just take a moment for anybody that has children that has to send them to school in the morning?
• 3:07
  It.
• 3:08
  It's so hard and I put all four kids on the bus in the morning.
• 3:11
  I'm lucky I Olympic sport.
• 3:12
  Sometimes I have to drop them off to school.
• 3:14
  But even when I stay up late the night before and I pack a lunch and I go through what they want in the lunchbox and we have the snow bagg out and we pick out the outfit the night before, there is always some conundrum with an updo that I did that went wrong.
• 3:27
  It doesn't look the same as the one that she found on TikTok or the gloves were still wet from yesterday playing in the snow.
• 3:34
  And the snow bagg was wet.
• 3:36
  Every single morning somebody leaves.
• 3:39
  Unhappy it.
• 3:40
  I cannot even, Ima I can barely get out the door with one.
• 3:43
  I really can't.
• 3:44
  And I, so I feel like I can't even imagine four.
• 3:48
  I just don't even understand.
• 3:50
  That's actually what we're gonna talk about today, is going from one to other children.
• 3:55
  That's the point of today's podcast.
• 3:57
  Yeah.
• 3:57
  So it is funny that we're starting out with that because I lose my mind with one already.
• 4:02
  I feel like it's very fitting.
• 4:04
  I just had this moment, this morning when I was standing at the kitchen, like cleaning up the dishes from breakfast and I was like, what just happened every morning between 7:00 AM and 8:30 AM It is insanity in this house.
• 4:16
  I feel like insanity.
• 4:18
  I feel like there's points of the day where I will look down at my phone and Right.
• 4:23
  And you clock what time it is.
• 4:24
  Like you're like, oh, okay, it's five 30.
• 4:26
  And this is the time from five 30 to six 30.
• 4:29
  It may have well been four hours, but it's one hour.
• 4:32
  You know what I mean?
• 4:33
  And I do feel like that seven 30 to eight 30 in the morning is the same.
• 4:36
  There's hours of the day that just crawl and that but also so much happens in that time where you're like so much once it's over, you're like, what just happened?
• 4:46
  I need to touch grass and we're in the winter and there is no grass.
• 4:50
  I can't even get a breath of fresh air right now to settle my nervous system.
• 4:54
  But then some parts of the day you're like if you were taking like a non, trying to run out the door type of hour that just, that will go in like the blink of an eye, right?
• 5:05
  Where you're like, oh, if you were doing anything else, you're trying to watch a show, you're trying to relax, you're trying to shower and do your hair.
• 5:11
  Somehow that time goes by in the blink of an eye.
• 5:14
  Yeah.
• 5:14
  But when you're trying to get your kids out the door, it is just like chaos.
• 5:18
  Yes.
• 5:18
  Every single day.
• 5:19
  Oh.
• 5:20
  So every single day.
• 5:21
  But they all made it off safely.
• 5:23
  Today I momed very hard.
• 5:24
  Yesterday we were off.
• 5:25
  'cause we, like the kids had yeah.
• 5:27
  That three day weekend, like the day off from school.
• 5:29
  Yep.
• 5:29
  And so one of, one of our girlfriends has an ice skating rink at our house.
• 5:33
  So the boys were on play dates, one was like skiing, whatever.
• 5:35
  The boys were busy.
• 5:36
  So I went over with the girls to ice skate.
• 5:39
  So Jenny has video footage of me shoveling her ice skating rink in a full length fur coat with one of those fur headbands.
• 5:47
  Love it.
• 5:47
  Over my ears.
• 5:48
  Love it.
• 5:48
  And when I showed up at our house like that, she's like, why do you look like a Russian model?
• 5:52
  I go, I just figured we were gonna be outside.
• 5:54
  That's your luck mine as well.
• 5:56
  That's your winter look.
• 5:56
  So her and I were sweating, getting all the kids, like all their gear on.
• 6:00
  Ugh.
• 6:01
  And then they were on for 15 minutes and they're like, we're cold.
• 6:05
  We were like.
• 6:05
  We just shoveled an ice skating rink.
• 6:08
  Got you all dressed, you were bleeding, you were screaming, and now you're hungry.
• 6:13
  I wanna see a mom Olympics like we're getting into like winter Olympic season, right?
• 6:18
  I wanna see like Mom Olympics.
• 6:19
  Mom Olympics, and it would be getting your kids out the door.
• 6:22
  Efficiently, right?
• 6:23
  In a timely manner.
• 6:24
  Does even getting everybody there on time does that even efficient, even mean, does mean everybody's alive and on time.
• 6:29
  Like you're out getting out the door.
• 6:30
  Okay.
• 6:30
  Low standards, right?
• 6:32
  Getting gear on children.
• 6:35
  I sweat, sometimes I'm like, this is my workout today.
• 6:39
  Yeah.
• 6:39
  Your gear has to go last as if your gear was on first.
• 6:42
  You would sweat that second.
• 6:42
  Oh, we learned that.
• 6:44
  We learned that early on, that like you get ready last because it's, you cannot possibly get them ready in full snow gear.
• 6:52
  But getting gloves or mittens on my toddlers is.
• 6:56
  One of the hardest things I've ever done.
• 6:58
  Physically.
• 6:58
  You're crouched over, you're trying to like, squeeze their little fingers, which are like, they're tightening up and you're like, spread them apart.
• 7:06
  We're trying to get everything.
• 7:07
  You cannot find the thumb.
• 7:08
  It is like literally never find the thumb.
• 7:11
  And then they just stand there like the marshmallow of man, like they can barely move.
• 7:15
  And then they go outside for 0.4 seconds and they're ready to come back inside.
• 7:20
  I'm like, absolutely not.
• 7:21
  I know when Joseph was in fifth grade, he went from being so fourth grade is just like an extension of what you're describing?
• 7:28
  Yes.
• 7:28
  Just a little bit taller and the hands aren't his chubby.
• 7:30
  And then in fifth grade he went to ski club and so I'm packing his bag for ski club.
• 7:35
  So he was I think 10 and I'm thinking to myself, how are you gonna remember this bag and get yourself dressed at a ski mountain when I'm doing all of this for you?
• 7:44
  Yeah.
• 7:44
  Sweating me too.
• 7:45
  Like how are you gonna do it?
• 7:47
  So I remember I made like a checklist for him gloves, the pants, the head thing and like what order they went in and I remember picking him up from ski club the first day and he was fully dressed.
• 7:58
  I'm like, how did you do this?
• 7:59
  They know how to do it.
• 8:00
  He knew how to do it.
• 8:01
  They know how to do it.
• 8:02
  It's just more fun to make mom do it.
• 8:04
  So this mom Olympics, I think that's a terrific idea into it.
• 8:08
  We can just get the ring footage from Yeah.
• 8:10
  Jenny's house from yesterday.
• 8:11
  I agree.
• 8:11
  And there you have it.
• 8:12
  I agree.
• 8:13
  So today, but yes, very timely for today's episode.
• 8:15
  Yeah.
• 8:15
  We are talking about the transition from one to many children and.
• 8:21
  How you go from one to two, we'll start with that transition obviously, and how the second time really changes everything.
• 8:28
  I know some people might have a different opinion than us, and me and you have different opinions on a lot of things.
• 8:34
  But for the two of us, we share the same sentiment.
• 8:37
  For this one we do that.
• 8:38
  We thought that going from one to two kids for us personally, was more challenging than going from zero kids to one kid.
• 8:47
  Right.
• 8:47
  And And I think we can maybe unpack why.
• 8:49
  Yeah.
• 8:49
  Some of that food for thought is why some people would maybe get hit with that.
• 8:53
  Zero to one for sure.
• 8:54
  And that same person for those same reasons, probably the one to two wouldn't shake them as much.
• 8:59
  Yep.
• 9:00
  And for us, the zero to one wasn't as bad, but the one to two locked us is where it really came into play.
• 9:07
  Yeah.
• 9:08
  So I.
• 9:09
  W what I was thinking, going from zero to one is you don't really know as much and you have, you know nothing.
• 9:16
  You know nothing.
• 9:17
  Yep.
• 9:17
  But you learn together, you, your baby and your husband all learn together and you can go slow because there's just one kid.
• 9:24
  So you I don't wanna say take your time, but you're not really in a rush.
• 9:27
  You just, you learn how to work the stroller together.
• 9:30
  You learn how to do the sleep schedule, and you're learning what works for that one baby as they transition to, as they're transitioning.
• 9:37
  Because it's because babies are obviously ever changing and once you get comfortable you're like moving on to the next phase and then there's more new things to learn at that phase.
• 9:46
  So it is challenging.
• 9:48
  Yeah, of course.
• 9:48
  It's, and I also think that when you go from zero to one, you're also very burdened with the complete lifestyle change.
• 9:55
  So a lot of the times it rocks, couples, women because it's just a stark difference from where they've been.
• 10:03
  You really only had to worry about yourself.
• 10:06
  You're now having to worry about a brand new person, a baby, you're exhausted.
• 10:11
  You're probably just not used to having to manage something that life changing in your life.
• 10:16
  And so it can completely rock you.
• 10:17
  I totally agree with that part where you just feel like.
• 10:20
  Everything just feels different, and you're going with a new rhythm of your life.
• 10:24
  And so sometimes that is like the initial shock of the zero to one of one, zero to one.
• 10:29
  It's just that it's a new experience entirely and nothing prepares you for it.
• 10:33
  No.
• 10:33
  And also you don't have, there's no confidence that comes with zero to one.
• 10:36
  Because you don't, everything's new.
• 10:38
  You're not like, I got this.
• 10:39
  Yeah.
• 10:40
  Because you're just doing it for the first time and you're doing everything for the first time.
• 10:43
  And I think it comes, with time and experience for sure.
• 10:46
  Now, without jumping ahead, when you go from one to two, you have that confidence.
• 10:52
  You've done it before, but knowledge is power.
• 10:56
  But knowledge is also more knowledge and knowing more, especially as a mother.
• 11:01
  It can be scary when you realize all the things that you did for child one that now you're not doing, that you can't do for child two for a multitude of reasons you have another child.
• 11:11
  And also, all of your time, all of your energy has been pouring into this child and now they have a younger sibling.
• 11:18
  And now you can't, you simply cannot divide your time as much anymore.
• 11:22
  You, we were saying before we started your heart is expanding.
• 11:26
  Everyone tells you that time is not expanding.
• 11:29
  And I think that's a fear of like pregnant women for the second time.
• 11:32
  You're like, how could I possibly love another human as much as I love my first baby?
• 11:38
  And you really do.
• 11:39
  And everybody explains that.
• 11:40
  And I do think that is some of the best advice that you hear.
• 11:43
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:43
  You're like, your heart will expand.
• 11:45
  It does.
• 11:45
  It expands and you're able to love baby number two.
• 11:48
  I'm sure you can go, you can, all of your kids, it's like you love them the same, it's your heart just grows, but your time doesn't.
• 11:57
  Your energy doesn't, so then you're split.
• 12:00
  It's just your time and your presence does not have the same capacity it did for baby number one.
• 12:05
  Yep.
• 12:05
  I think one of the hardest lessons that I learned when I went from one to two was that I had my first child was like pretty easy.
• 12:13
  He wasn't colicky, he slept.
• 12:15
  Joseph was like a very chill baby.
• 12:17
  We had that same experience and I was a very chill, first time mom.
• 12:20
  We just went through life pretty slow.
• 12:22
  Life was easy for us.
• 12:24
  And then when I had my second son, he was two and he was no longer easy anymore.
• 12:29
  He was like very tantrum me.
• 12:31
  And I almost think that his nervous system was rattled.
• 12:35
  Like this new baby was being brought home.
• 12:37
  I was like holding the baby with the new baby and he was a monster.
• 12:41
  He's just also going through like developmental twos.
• 12:44
  And just getting a little bit older.
• 12:45
  So then to your point with your first baby, you're going through an entirely new experience.
• 12:51
  Developmentally, he's in a different stage, which is harder.
• 12:54
  Plus you have a new baby, right?
• 12:56
  So there's friction between baby one at missing you, probably.
• 13:01
  Yeah.
• 13:01
  And.
• 13:02
  Joseph was openly like, I hate the baby.
• 13:06
  It's hard.
• 13:06
  I hate the baby.
• 13:07
  So one of my friends that had older kids gave me good advice at the time and said, you need to give your energy to the older kid because they're the ones that are gonna clock.
• 13:17
  Is it you or is it not you?
• 13:19
  Whereas the baby right now maybe it won't remember as long as they're like getting a warm bottle, they're swaddled, they're healthy, they're cared for, they'll be okay.
• 13:26
  So I started to pour more of my energy in my time into Joseph when, even though it like probably didn't seem natural, right?
• 13:34
  For me to take Joseph to his first day of preschool when he was two, and for Nick to take Vince to his four day old appointment.
• 13:40
  Like when you get home from the hospital?
• 13:41
  Yep.
• 13:42
  You have to take the baby to their first appointment.
• 13:44
  I remember the pediatrician calling me and be like, is everything okay?
• 13:47
  You're not at the appointment, are you?
• 13:49
  Do you have the baby blues?
• 13:50
  I'm like.
• 13:51
  No, I just thought I should be the one taking Joseph to preschool.
• 13:54
  Because he's crying for mommy.
• 13:55
  It feels, it's so hard because I think that's a huge part of why both of us struggled.
• 14:02
  Is that guilt that's associated with missing your first one so much.
• 14:08
  And then still wanting to bond the same way with the new baby.
• 14:12
  And you feel very pulled.
• 14:14
  I remember being with Layla and Layla's my second, she was always very attached to me.
• 14:20
  Whereas I feel like with my first Leo, there was a little bit more I could pass him around and he was bonded with his like, immediate circle.
• 14:29
  So it was like my husband, my mom, anybody that was around a lot, he was very bonded with, which was great.
• 14:35
  It helped me out a lot.
• 14:36
  I went through a long infertility struggle ahead of that.
• 14:40
  So I feel like when I had baby number one was not only mine, obviously, it was like everybody's ours.
• 14:45
  Yes.
• 14:45
  Like the first everybody went on that journey with you.
• 14:47
  Yeah.
• 14:47
  He was the first, I get no, what you're saying.
• 14:49
  He was the first grandkid on my side of the family.
• 14:52
  He was only the third on Raja's side of the family at the time, and now there's nine.
• 14:56
  It was like very exciting and he really was for everybody.
• 14:59
  And I wasn't a baby hog, right?
• 15:01
  Like I was like, oh, this is for everybody.
• 15:03
  Like everyone is so excited.
• 15:04
  Share, they've been on this journey.
• 15:06
  So that made it a little bit easier.
• 15:07
  But with baby two, I didn't even really have that option because Layla wanted me and me only.
• 15:15
  So your advice before wouldn't worked for you?
• 15:17
  It wouldn't have worked for me and.
• 15:19
  I, because she just really only wanted me.
• 15:21
  So that put so much guilt back on me because I wanted to be obviously bonding with her and I wanted to be there for her because she really only wanted to be with me.
• 15:31
  But I remember being up in the room with her and I really couldn't pass her to anybody else because she would be so upset.
• 15:38
  But I remember hearing Raja and Leo room downstairs doing something fun and you'd wanna be there.
• 15:43
  And I was like, I just felt so pulled.
• 15:46
  Like I wanna be part of that.
• 15:47
  Like they're doing something fun, he's learning something.
• 15:49
  He was just at that.
• 15:51
  Yeah, too.
• 15:51
  He was under two when we had Layla, but he was learning so much and he was starting to talk, and I just remember like feeling like I was missing so much.
• 16:01
  And that guilt was so awful.
• 16:04
  Just feeling like I can't be a part of him going now through these new phases.
• 16:10
  I felt like I was missing things.
• 16:11
  Do you think you'd have that same.
• 16:14
  Thoughts if you weren't dealing with a colicky baby.
• 16:18
  I like if you were rocking peacefully in your chair, do you think you'd have those same thoughts still?
• 16:24
  Oh, I still think that I would've missed him.
• 16:25
  Yeah.
• 16:26
  Yeah.
• 16:26
  I think that I think that it's so hard with your first, because everything is new, yeah.
• 16:31
  And all of those moments you're experiencing for the first time.
• 16:35
  So anytime they do something for the first time, your too, it's your it first time experiencing it too.
• 16:39
  And so for me, I thought anytime he did something for the first time and I wasn't physically present to experience those things, it was so hard for me.
• 16:49
  So I think regardless of my experience, yeah.
• 16:51
  With baby two being hard or easy, even if she was like the most peaceful little baby, like sleeping in my arms and never shed a tear, like I still think I would've missed so much.
• 17:00
  Just with him, because it was my first time doing those things too.
• 17:04
  Yeah.
• 17:05
  I'm only saying that because when.
• 17:08
  When the twins were born, the twins were easy babies.
• 17:11
  Yeah.
• 17:11
  And I took them everywhere.
• 17:13
  Yeah.
• 17:14
  And it was easier for me to transition from two to four than it was for me to transition from one to two.
• 17:20
  And I think it was because once the twins were born, they were just like in toe with me.
• 17:25
  Yeah.
• 17:26
  And I feel like I was missing out on less because you work.
• 17:29
  Does that make sense?
• 17:30
  I think probably because it comes back to that confidence where, yeah.
• 17:33
  Now you've done this not once, but twice.
• 17:36
  And you also, I think that there's like some sort of guard that gets let down when,'cause I've heard that so many times.
• 17:44
  Like when you go from one to two, you're outnumbered.
• 17:47
  Or you're like one to one if you're in a, if you're lucky.
• 17:50
  And if you have.
• 17:51
  A partner to do this with.
• 17:53
  You're like one-to-one already.
• 17:54
  When you have three, you're outnumbered, right?
• 17:57
  Like entirely as a unit.
• 17:59
  And so I feel like you just have to go with the flow.
• 18:01
  And I've heard that so many times from people like, one is one, two is like 103.
• 18:07
  You're just like, I don't care anymore.
• 18:08
  So I, that doesn't surprise me that you say that, because I feel like a lot of people, almost everybody says that I've heard.
• 18:14
  Like with Joseph, I would, I'm just like going back to preschool.
• 18:18
  When Joseph was in preschool, if he was having holiday party or Christmas show or something, I would get a sitter for Vincent and I would leave him home and I would show up so I could be like fully present for Joseph and help set up and do the pictures and the cake or whatever.
• 18:33
  So I could be fully present for him.
• 18:35
  And then I would come home.
• 18:36
  Joseph would do his nap.
• 18:37
  I would relieve the babysitter.
• 18:39
  And then I would be with Vincent doing babysit stuff.
• 18:41
  And it was, I was always pulled, I was always on.
• 18:44
  You're like boom.
• 18:44
  Ponging.
• 18:45
  When Vincent went to preschool, I would just bring the twins with me and they would sit in the stroller.
• 18:50
  They would watch the show.
• 18:51
  They would get so much attention from the teachers.
• 18:54
  It was like childcare for them out and about.
• 18:56
  And it was like we were all together as one.
• 18:58
  As one unit.
• 18:59
  As one unit.
• 18:59
  Yeah.
• 19:00
  And then we would come home and everybody would have their downtime and go into their separate rooms.
• 19:04
  But to your point, I think that did just come with the confidence of for sure I don't need to always get a sitter to leave.
• 19:10
  I can bring the baby with me.
• 19:12
  Yep.
• 19:12
  And we'll all be okay actually they'll be better.
• 19:14
  Yep.
• 19:14
  When they're out.
• 19:15
  Did you feel though, any sort of guilt that doing it that way?
• 19:20
  Because did you feel then that the twins never got to really experience any like alone time with you?
• 19:28
  'cause you were feeling like.
• 19:30
  I never thought of it that way.
• 19:32
  No.
• 19:32
  I have the most guilt with my son Vincent, who's my second.
• 19:35
  He's the middle.
• 19:35
  I carry the most guilt with him.
• 19:37
  Yeah, I think that's the man.
• 19:38
  'cause I just struggled with him the most.
• 19:39
  And I did not enjoy the first two years of his life because they were so hard on me personally.
• 19:46
  He was a colicky baby too.
• 19:46
  And he was a colicky baby.
• 19:48
  And then once we got beyond the colic, Joseph was like a three-year-old and a 4-year-old, and he was like, like a fussy little toddlers.
• 19:56
  And I was having a hard time, so I was constantly getting like a sitter and separating and I needed free time and I needed to escape.
• 20:03
  Like I felt like I was constantly like separating and escaping.
• 20:07
  That's it's, that's the phase that I'm in now.
• 20:08
  It is.
• 20:09
  It is just really hard.
• 20:10
  Those are really hard times' like that two to 4-year-old time is hard for another reason than the newborn stage.
• 20:17
  Yes.
• 20:17
  But for whatever reason, once the twins were born, I started to treat my kids like two teams.
• 20:23
  The boy was team A, the girls were Team B and.
• 20:27
  I never really had that guilt that I wasn't treating them like I wasn't getting that one-on-one time with an equal.
• 20:34
  Now, however, they're seven years old and they want separate birthday parties.
• 20:39
  They want to be celebrated as two separate people.
• 20:42
  They wanna be in two separate classes.
• 20:45
  And now I feel guilty because, I lump them in as one and they are like loud and proud that they are two.
• 20:52
  We still have to do a twin episode because I think that's a whole other thing.
• 20:55
  And I know we have a lot of twin mamas who listen in, especially for tease wisdom and kind of thoughts on it.
• 21:02
  And so we definitely have to break that out into another episode for sure.
• 21:05
  And a lot of moms will give you good advice that pertains to multiples.
• 21:11
  And I think I took what I could from each person and applied it to my life because every twin is different they're all different in their own ways.
• 21:20
  But I think that when you are, when you're parenting one kid or when you're, when you bring a new kid into this world, you're doing what works for them.
• 21:29
  And then you find out what works for them, what works for you.
• 21:31
  Then you have another kid.
• 21:32
  Guess what?
• 21:33
  There are no two kids that are the same.
• 21:34
  Absolutely not.
• 21:35
  What works for one, never.
• 21:37
  I'm gonna say never as a bold word.
• 21:39
  Never.
• 21:39
  I think that it never, it almost never works for both Entirely.
• 21:42
  Entirely.
• 21:43
  Yes.
• 21:43
  So now you have to find two different forms of incentivization, two different, sometimes types of foods.
• 21:48
  You have to tailor your parenting in some of these high stakes moments.
• 21:52
  Yep.
• 21:53
  To each kid.
• 21:54
  That is also very tiring to do.
• 21:56
  Now that I have four, I realize, guess what?
• 21:59
  There is not one thing that will accommodate all four of you.
• 22:02
  See, that just never goes away.
• 22:03
  So you're no, nobody's gonna be happy.
• 22:05
  So now my standards have been lowered significantly because I realized I can't please them all when I had just the two.
• 22:13
  I could please each one of them.
• 22:14
  There's a little less, there's a little less, there's a little more of you to go around to try to tailor it.
• 22:19
  That came to me as not a huge shock because I would've expected that.
• 22:23
  And you do, there's like some, there's some of these like isms that you always hear parents or moms give to newer parents or moms.
• 22:33
  And I feel like the no two babies are alike is something that everybody says and one what works for one might not work for the other.
• 22:40
  That to me, I completely agree with, and that was something that was my experience.
• 22:44
  And I also wasn't that naive.
• 22:46
  Like I had a very easy baby for number one.
• 22:50
  He was a good sleeper.
• 22:51
  He was a good eater.
• 22:52
  And I felt like.
• 22:54
  I knew that when it was happening, I was like, I have a good sleeper and I have a good eater, so I'm coasting through the first year of motherhood.
• 23:01
  See, I didn't know that.
• 23:02
  And I knew because I was also like one of the last of my friends to have babies.
• 23:07
  There was a lot of other babies around me.
• 23:09
  So you heard all the stories.
• 23:10
  I had already started to hear other people's experiences.
• 23:14
  I was also just told like my mother would come over and be like, this is a good baby.
• 23:18
  He sleeps, he eats because I wasn't like that and I was her first.
• 23:22
  So I definitely heard that I had a quote unquote, good baby.
• 23:26
  I feel like that's what you want a baby to do, sleep and eat well, and he did.
• 23:30
  But then anything that I applied to baby number two from baby number one.
• 23:36
  Went out the window, like absolutely nothing worked.
• 23:39
  So I was quote unquote, confident going into the second time for motherhood.
• 23:45
  I was aware enough to know that I was probably not gonna have the same experience the second time around.
• 23:50
  I didn't know it was gonna be like the polar opposite, but I wasn't sitting there thinking like, oh, I know this is gonna be a breeze the second time around.
• 23:59
  But also I had nothing in my back pocket because everything that I tried, nothing would work.
• 24:05
  So I felt like I went in with a little bit of confidence, and then my confidence was actually deflated.
• 24:11
  The second time around, because I was like, wow, I know nothing.
• 24:14
  Like this is a completely different experience.
• 24:16
  That's a humbling experience.
• 24:17
  Yeah.
• 24:17
  It's humbling.
• 24:18
  See, I didn't realize Joseph was an easy baby until I had Vincent, I was 26 when I had Joseph.
• 24:23
  So Joseph was the first, he was the first grandchild, the first of everybody.
• 24:27
  She was the first niece and nephew.
• 24:28
  Yep.
• 24:28
  He was the first of all of my friends to have.
• 24:31
  Kids.
• 24:31
  Like I was the first one.
• 24:32
  He was like, like in the Lion King, like Simba?
• 24:34
  Yeah.
• 24:34
  Yes.
• 24:34
  That was Joseph.
• 24:35
  Yep.
• 24:35
  I'm getting that.
• 24:36
  And I didn't realize he was easy until I had Vincent and I had an easy pregnancy with Vincent and he was like an easy delivery.
• 24:44
  And I brought him home and I was like, this is great.
• 24:46
  Life is easy.
• 24:47
  And then my 2-year-old decided that day that he hated me and Vincent and he was on strike.
• 24:55
  And then Vincent was a really colicky baby.
• 24:57
  Yeah.
• 24:57
  He had all these like allergies.
• 24:59
  I couldn't nurse him.
• 25:00
  we couldn't find formula.
• 25:01
  Like all of these like simple things we couldn't do.
• 25:05
  And then Joseph hated me.
• 25:06
  I'm like, this was not what I signed up for.
• 25:08
  Yeah.
• 25:08
  I didn't think this was gonna happen.
• 25:10
  I, that was my experience.
• 25:12
  Wait a minute, I was not prepared for any of this.
• 25:15
  And to your point, none of my tricks worked with Vincent.
• 25:19
  For the first baby, I remember thinking like, oh, we're gonna sit down.
• 25:23
  We'll do blocks.
• 25:24
  I'll play blocks with you.
• 25:25
  Yeah.
• 25:26
  For the next baby.
• 25:27
  It's here are the blocks so I can take care of the screaming baby.
• 25:31
  It's like you go to whoever is the loudest.
• 25:34
  Yes.
• 25:34
  And I realize that's not what you're supposed to do.
• 25:36
  Even now in parenting, you're not supposed to go to the screaming child.
• 25:39
  You're supposed to give attention to the calm one.
• 25:41
  But you're just going to, whoever's screaming the loudest I know.
• 25:45
  And what hap and you're chasing your tail.
• 25:46
  What happens is when, obviously, unless you have twins, your kids are at different stages.
• 25:51
  And so they're gonna be screaming for different reasons, and they're gonna be like themselves.
• 25:56
  They're gonna be screaming for different reasons.
• 25:57
  And a lot of the times what I found was that I was like a ping pong ball.
• 26:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:01
  Like back and forth to who it was like you're putting out one fire, then you're going over here and putting out another fire.
• 26:09
  They're two different kinds and they're two different kinds of fires.
• 26:10
  And you're, and nothing's working.
• 26:12
  And also what happens from that is that there's little time for you because you're going back and forth, right?
• 26:19
  And so not only is.
• 26:21
  Your time split, your energy split, you feel that guilt.
• 26:25
  You also then have no time for you, for resets, for any sort of resets where I think if you're lucky with baby number one, you get a little bit of relief, because somebody else could theoretically take the baby and relieve you, even if it's for a few minutes.
• 26:41
  You could also maybe put the baby down in a safe place and take a second to reset.
• 26:46
  If they're napping, you have a a chance to reset yourself or a, theoretically a little time for something, but what was happening to me with the two kids was that I was just going back and forth all day long and realizing.
• 26:59
  I never stopped to eat anything today.
• 27:02
  I never stopped to take care of myself.
• 27:04
  I didn't have a second to get myself ready in the morning.
• 27:07
  Like all of that advice that you're given about self-care, you start to resent because you're like, there is no time for this.
• 27:16
  There is no energy for this.
• 27:18
  You can do some of those things with baby number one, but you really can't do it with baby number two, like with baby number one.
• 27:25
  Sure.
• 27:25
  I was like on his schedule, right?
• 27:27
  So when he would sleep I could sleep.
• 27:30
  I just put up a reel about this where people would say, oh, did you really do that sleep with No, but it's not that I would sleep with the baby sleep, but you would reset, would sleep.
• 27:37
  But I could at least work my life, especially in the early months, you can work your life around if you have a baby that sleeps.
• 27:44
  I wouldn't have been able to do that if my baby number one was like my second baby, right?
• 27:48
  But this is my experience, so I was able to tailor my schedule around his schedule and then find these little pockets and windows of time to do some of these things to take care of myself.
• 27:59
  But when you're now at the mercy of two separate schedules, so it's okay, so if my son would sleep when he was very little, like until six 30 in the morning, I maybe could get up a half an hour earlier and get myself together, have a sip of coffee, like change into something, take a, just take few extra minutes of things that reset you.
• 28:19
  Exactly.
• 28:20
  And then like start the day ahead.
• 28:22
  But then when I had another baby and I was up throughout the night, and I was now up at five because she started her day at five.
• 28:31
  And so there was, there were those pockets or windows for any sort of rest reset they were out the door.
• 28:38
  Yeah.
• 28:38
  And so I really started to find that I would resent a lot of that.
• 28:43
  I would almost feel like it was like toxic messaging where it's oh, just get up before your baby to help yourself, or set yourself up for the day, or make sure to rest when the baby's napping, it's baby A is napping, but baby B is not napping, so I was finding that season to just be very hard when you're like juggling back and forth.
• 29:03
  And due to that I put myself last and I got myself into a lot of trouble like that, because after a long time of putting yourself last.
• 29:15
  A lot of stuff can come up, so if you had to look back at the year and not that you would redo it, because I think that it's, everything happens.
• 29:24
  Oh, for sure.
• 29:24
  Everything happened in that year for a reason.
• 29:26
  Yeah.
• 29:26
  To make you stronger for this year and the years to come.
• 29:28
  But if you had to look back at the year, and you give yourself, or any mother advice to give your, to put yourself first in a season where you just come last, what would you say?
• 29:39
  I don't know.
• 29:40
  I really don't have advice because I feel like for me it was just surviving it and there was nothing that I could do.
• 29:46
  So maybe your advice is just this season won't last forever.
• 29:49
  Yeah.
• 29:49
  I think that's, and you'll come out on the other side and it's gonna be hard for the next six months.
• 29:54
  I think that's important.
• 29:54
  No, I think that for me, I think that looking ahead and seeing you don't believe it, but you know when you're in it.
• 30:01
  But I would look to.
• 30:03
  Kind of mothers that had a little bit of older children, or I would open myself up to people and say, this is the phase that we're in.
• 30:11
  And everyone would say, I promise it, it won't last forever.
• 30:14
  I know that's so hard to hear that you're in a really tough phase right now, but it won't last forever and it really doesn't.
• 30:21
  That's the that's the truth.
• 30:22
  It doesn't last forever.
• 30:24
  You get through these tough phases, but I don't think that there's really anything that I could say to make it easier to go through it.
• 30:30
  I think that when you're in that survival mode, whether that is going from zero to one,'cause I think sometimes people have, they're in survival mode for from zero to one, and they feel like their lives have just been rocked and they could have a colicky first baby and you're just in this really hard place.
• 30:48
  It will break.
• 30:49
  Like it will and.
• 30:51
  That could happen from baby one to two.
• 30:54
  It could happen from baby two on.
• 30:56
  I think it will happen at some point in your motherhood career, your in your motherhood career for sure at some point, whether it is that zero to one or the one to two, or maybe it is when you have multiples or when you go later on down the line.
• 31:07
  It could be, yeah, it could be at a completely different case.
• 31:08
  It casell happen at some point.
• 31:10
  Yep.
• 31:10
  But I think for me, I put the kids in preschool pretty early when they were 18 months old, and I was very fearful of that judgment.
• 31:19
  Like, why are you putting them in school at 18 months?
• 31:22
  They're so young.
• 31:23
  You don't have a job.
• 31:24
  You don't work.
• 31:24
  The fear of judgment.
• 31:27
  Me having some alone time and resetting far outweighed that.
• 31:32
  So making you a better mom.
• 31:33
  Any judgment?
• 31:34
  It wasn't even about me being a mom at that point.
• 31:36
  It was just me feeling whole, again, a human just so I could show up just in general.
• 31:41
  Because there was absolutely no downtime.
• 31:43
  'Cause I had guilt for spending no one-on-one time.
• 31:47
  So school allowed for one-on-one time.
• 31:50
  Okay.
• 31:50
  So that was important to me.
• 31:51
  So I checked that box.
• 31:52
  I needed to be able to do some of my quote unquote self-care things, which were shower, be quiet.
• 31:59
  Yep.
• 31:59
  Sit in my car for a few minutes.
• 32:01
  Yep.
• 32:01
  Go to my workout class, see a friend for coffee or meet my husband for lunch.
• 32:06
  So you know what, a four hour preschool, when they were 18 months old, it worked out, allowed me to have some baby time where the other one was gone.
• 32:13
  But that was a hard decision for me to make.
• 32:15
  To send one off, and then to send the other one off.
• 32:18
  I felt like I was like.
• 32:19
  Weak because I had to put them in school.
• 32:22
  So if any mom is putting their kid in daycare or somewhere because you feel like it's hard on you.
• 32:28
  It's okay to do that.
• 32:29
  You were saying before like you're putting out different fires?
• 32:32
  Yeah, I think that's why the twins for me were easier.
• 32:37
  Yeah.
• 32:37
  Because when I had the one and the 3-year-old and the two and the 4-year-old you were, I was doing two different things.
• 32:44
  Like one is on bottle, one is on solids, one is eating in a high chair, one is I'm nursing.
• 32:50
  You're, I was doing two different, that's, that is so hard.
• 32:53
  I was doing two different things.
• 32:55
  Then I had the twins and they do the same thing.
• 32:58
  Yes.
• 32:58
  You change one, two diapers.
• 33:00
  Yep.
• 33:01
  You do everything at the same time.
• 33:02
  One, two bottles.
• 33:04
  Again, twins are not easy.
• 33:06
  I you don't I'm making it sound easy, but there were some positives to it.
• 33:09
  There is, they're doing things at the same time and I think that's that point.
• 33:12
  Everything was at the same time is I found, and you know what, so that's what I would say to a new mom, because that's what you were saying.
• 33:18
  If you have if you have.
• 33:19
  Two under two or anywhere where there's like a closer age gap.
• 33:23
  I don't even wanna say two under two, but,'cause I think even two under three, two under four, any of it's hard.
• 33:27
  When the light at the end of the tunnel came when they were both on a similar schedule and a similar wavelength and you can't imagine that happening very fast.
• 33:39
  But it does because when you get to, I would say when the 18 months old reaches like 18 months, probably two, right?
• 33:47
  They slow down a little.
• 33:48
  There is rapid growth and there's a lot still happens, but.
• 33:55
  Usually they're on maybe one nap.
• 33:57
  They're eating solids.
• 33:58
  Like all of those milestones have slowed down.
• 34:01
  Where it's you go through so much that first year where like all of a sudden the baby's off bottles, they're down to one nap.
• 34:07
  All of these things.
• 34:08
  When we got Layla onto one nap, I almost pushed her to do that a little earlier than I did with Leo because I wanted them to nap.
• 34:18
  Together.
• 34:18
  So all of a sudden the day went from like broken up into morning and then the afternoon and they napped around the same time.
• 34:28
  It was an overlap of maybe there was like an hour if that, if I was lucky, but it was still time that I could mostly count on to just reset myself.
• 34:38
  And would I be able to get a lot done?
• 34:40
  No, but I felt like I was no longer toggling back and forth because the hardest time for me was when she would nap at nine 30.
• 34:48
  I know it's nine to, she would wake 11 and then one to three, and then she's napping.
• 34:51
  He would nap at four.
• 34:53
  She, he would, she would nap at nine 30, get up at 11.
• 34:57
  He would go down for a nap at 1230.
• 34:59
  So there would be overlap.
• 35:00
  Then I'd have to get him down for a nap at 1230.
• 35:03
  He would nap for a few hours.
• 35:05
  Wake up would go down for, but you also for a nap.
• 35:07
  But you can't leave the house or do anything.
• 35:08
  You can't do anything.
• 35:09
  But you're also not like.
• 35:10
  Teaching your kids to go in the car, go for a ride.
• 35:12
  You can't go to a class or anything.
• 35:14
  You're rapped.
• 35:14
  Everybody says that's trapped.
• 35:15
  You are full on rapped.
• 35:17
  And to me that was so hard because not only was there no off time, the whole day was about like structure.
• 35:23
  And if you're one of those people that you're like why does it matter?
• 35:26
  It's I praise you.
• 35:27
  Because I couldn't live like that.
• 35:29
  I needed like the predictability and it, for me, it paid off because they were so regimented that then one day I was able to get them on the same schedule.
• 35:40
  They go to bed around the same time, they nap around the same time.
• 35:43
  They wake up around the same time.
• 35:45
  And for me, that predictability gives me life.
• 35:48
  Yeah.
• 35:48
  Like I am such a better person.
• 35:50
  I can show up for myself.
• 35:52
  I could show up for my family, I can be productive, I could be a better mom.
• 35:56
  I know that because I know that the schedule is like very important to me.
• 36:00
  And it's not just to keep my kids like happy sleepers.
• 36:02
  It's for a family, like our family To thrive and.
• 36:06
  All of that paid off, and I know it did because we worked hard at it.
• 36:10
  And so now they go to bed around the same time.
• 36:12
  It's just it's so much more of a predictable schedule.
• 36:16
  And so for, I would say that out of any advice like that was, that would what?
• 36:20
  Be what I would say hold out, you're in survival mode.
• 36:23
  Know that it gets better.
• 36:25
  You're gonna be toggling for a while.
• 36:27
  It's so hard.
• 36:28
  You're allowed to cry.
• 36:29
  You're allowed to ask for help, but.
• 36:32
  If you're diligent and if you work hard at getting the family on the same schedule, and if that's important, they will be to you eventually they will be, and it will be glorious right When they, when it happens, right?
• 36:44
  And look at how fast that time goes.
• 36:46
  And it does go by fast in the blink of an eye.
• 36:48
  But I also hated that.
• 36:50
  When I was in the middle of it, because I was like, it doesn't matter because it's not right now.
• 36:54
  And anytime you're in a hard season of things, it's so hard to just be like, oh, like this will change.
• 37:00
  You'll get there, you'll get there.
• 37:01
  It's, you wanna hear that positivity, but it's also okay to just be like pissed about where you are right now.
• 37:08
  Like it's hard.
• 37:09
  Like that part is very hard.
• 37:11
  And I don't like feeling guilt about when you're in a hard space and then you're like feeling guilt about feeling like it's a hard time.
• 37:18
  It's it's okay.
• 37:19
  It's a hard time, right?
• 37:20
  It's survival mode.
• 37:21
  They call it survival mode for a reason.
• 37:23
  You're literally in survival mode.
• 37:24
  Don't you think that this, like lack of predictability when you go from one to two because you're toggling two different schedules and the schedules aren't great to begin with.
• 37:33
  Like being home from one to three isn't ideal anyways.
• 37:35
  No.
• 37:35
  Being home from nine to 11 and then.
• 37:37
  One to three and then back at seven.
• 37:40
  That really doesn't lend itself to a very exciting life outside of the house.
• 37:44
  It's not really fun.
• 37:45
  And I like hate as much as I like, loved the schedule because I love a schedule'cause I like to know where everyone's supposed to be because I thrive that way.
• 37:54
  But it's not fun.
• 37:55
  Like I don't wanna be the person that wants to be on a schedule.
• 37:58
  I don't like that you're trapped in the house during the day and you sometimes have to say no or you have to work around it.
• 38:05
  So it's a lot of work to be like that.
• 38:06
  And it's not fun.
• 38:08
  It's not like I sit there and get like joy out of being so diligent about being on a schedule.
• 38:12
  It's just that I knew as, especially as I went well, was kind the lesser of two evils yes.
• 38:18
  'cause especially as I went from one to two, I knew I needed it.
• 38:22
  It wasn't like.
• 38:23
  I just enjoy being so rigid about a schedule.
• 38:26
  It was that I knew I needed it, and that was why it was important to me.
• 38:30
  I knew I needed it, and I knew that I had to say no to things, and I knew I had to be trapped.
• 38:35
  Sometimes I know for other people, they don't have that experience.
• 38:38
  Like I've heard that people don't care as much, but for me I tried to live the other way and I just couldn't, I know it wasn't for me.
• 38:46
  I see.
• 38:47
  I don't know.
• 38:47
  I love flexibility.
• 38:49
  I think that's something that I value.
• 38:51
  Yeah.
• 38:51
  I don't love rigidity.
• 38:53
  'cause it just feels very constricting.
• 38:55
  It does.
• 38:55
  It's so contradicting and it doesn't feel good.
• 38:58
  But when you have children have like erratic behavior.
• 39:03
  If the only thing that you can predict is their sleep.
• 39:06
  You're gonna lean into that.
• 39:07
  Yes.
• 39:07
  And it's very hard to do that, especially if it doesn't come natural to you.
• 39:10
  For sure.
• 39:11
  But.
• 39:12
  Unfortunately with the sleep and the schedule, if it's the only form of predictability that you have in their day.
• 39:17
  I know.
• 39:17
  And I think if you have, if I, again, I think that there are some women parents, like I think that if you're somebody that it just, that stuff doesn't get to you.
• 39:27
  I hated when my kids would have a meltdown because they were overtired.
• 39:31
  If they were exhausted, it's like I hated that.
• 39:36
  Trying to put out that fire, if they were waking up throughout the night because they didn't get a nap in during the day, like then that's hard on me.
• 39:45
  It's hard on our family unit, the pediatrician, I remember when Joseph was little said, A sleeping baby sleeps.
• 39:50
  Just remember that a sleeping baby sleeps.
• 39:52
  I'm like, what does that mean?
• 39:53
  Sleep equals more sleep.
• 39:54
  And that's what it meant.
• 39:55
  Sleep at equaled more sleep.
• 39:56
  So keep him sleeping, keep him fed and keep him sleeping.
• 40:00
  Yeah.
• 40:00
  And I just listened to those words like they were the gospel.
• 40:03
  Yes.
• 40:03
  I totally agree.
• 40:04
  And I'cause sleep equaled.
• 40:06
  Downtime for me.
• 40:07
  Yes.
• 40:07
  It all came back to me.
• 40:09
  Yes.
• 40:10
  Sleep for him.
• 40:11
  Equaled alone time for me.
• 40:13
  Yes.
• 40:13
  Yes.
• 40:14
  And it's interesting that we both came into motherhood a little bit, like with different personality types, right?
• 40:22
  Like I am somebody that likes more of a rigid, kind of predictable schedule, and you're somebody who really values flexibility.
• 40:29
  But we both came together on this and felt like it was for us to be better versions than the opposite.
• 40:38
  Yeah.
• 40:38
  So it's interesting.
• 40:39
  I think that Noelle is going crazy.
• 40:41
  No no, she's eating you again, my little baby.
• 40:43
  I think that's where my overstimulation came from.
• 40:46
  Oh yes.
• 40:47
  Yeah.
• 40:47
  And I didn't even know what it was until it happened to me.
• 40:50
  And I think it was because I was always on, because I was always toggling between two different needs and wants, and then.
• 40:57
  I had the twins and I was scheduling two teams.
• 41:01
  So I had the boys that I was treating as one team, so they were on the same schedule.
• 41:05
  So back to what we were saying about creating these schedules, I had to do a lot of work to get these schedules.
• 41:11
  Yeah.
• 41:11
  Like you, to do two different, and it didn't come natural to me to do that.
• 41:14
  So I had to have team A boys in bed asleep by 7:00 PM.
• 41:19
  That was not easy to do, but finally got the boys on one schedule and then the twins were on another schedule that were the same.
• 41:25
  So I was treating it like two teams.
• 41:28
  Yep.
• 41:28
  As opposed to four separate entities.
• 41:30
  I was treating them like the boy team.
• 41:33
  The girl team.
• 41:34
  So I would do one and then I would do the other, and I would do the other, and I would just go back and forth all day long.
• 41:39
  But you're still toggling.
• 41:40
  Oh, I was still toggling.
• 41:41
  You're still toggling.
• 41:42
  And that I'm still toggling.
• 41:43
  I think that because there's little time for you in that mix Yeah.
• 41:47
  That everything becomes very overstimulating.
• 41:50
  It's very hard because we've talked about, obviously if you're not taking care of yourself from a self-care perspective, it's very hard.
• 41:56
  But also just from an overstimulation and not having that's where that mothering for the entire day or it's, there's no off switch.
• 42:06
  There's no clock out.
• 42:08
  It's just.
• 42:09
  That's definitely where that phrase comes from.
• 42:11
  Yeah, it does.
• 42:12
  And then I remember my parents would take Vincent to his house for their house for the weekend.
• 42:17
  So he would have a special treat with them.
• 42:18
  So then it was just like the twins and Joseph and then it felt so much easier.
• 42:22
  Or they would take Joseph for the weekend or vice versa.
• 42:26
  But what would happen is if they were taking one, then that one when he would come back to the house, he would be all disoriented because he was like out of the flow.
• 42:36
  Out of the, yeah, out of the bubble.
• 42:37
  So separating was supposed to alleviate some of my responsibilities The reintegration, yeah.
• 42:43
  Was so much harder.
• 42:44
  So I was like, then just everybody, just stay here with me then.
• 42:46
  I know.
• 42:46
  It was, those are really hard times.
• 42:48
  I remember when you would say, when the twins would go and stay with your in-laws, for example, and you would be down two kids.
• 42:55
  Now I have two kids and I'm barely making it through the day.
• 42:59
  And you would be like, on vacation?
• 43:01
  I would be on vacation.
• 43:01
  You'd be like, Ugh, I have two.
• 43:03
  I, this is a vacation.
• 43:04
  And I know when she takes two kids, I feel like I'm on vacation.
• 43:07
  Oh my God.
• 43:08
  Because I'm so used to live in different worlds, but I, because that's what I'm used to now still.
• 43:12
  It's my baseline.
• 43:13
  Yep.
• 43:13
  I know knows.
• 43:13
  It's like when it's like when Leo was at school and it's just me and Layla, it's it feels completely different.
• 43:18
  So t because you're the mom of four.
• 43:21
  Do you have advice,'cause you asked me and I didn't have an answer, but do you have advice for anybody who is either a new mom going from zero to one and or.
• 43:35
  Adding new kids into their family.
• 43:37
  Do you have any advice that you wanna share?
• 43:39
  Any words of wisdom?
• 43:40
  I think that when it's gonna be harder on you than it is for them.
• 43:44
  And you're giving them the gift of a ride or die for life.
• 43:47
  Yeah.
• 43:48
  Like you have to think of it from their perspective.
• 43:50
  I have two sisters, I know you have a brother, like a sibling is your ride or die for life.
• 43:55
  Your parents are gonna go, you have your husband, you have your spouse, but like you are giving your sibling like your kid like the greatest gift.
• 44:02
  So I think if you think of it from that perspective, that might alleviate some guilt.
• 44:08
  Yeah.
• 44:09
  Yes, it's harder on you than it's gonna be on them, and in the moment, yeah, they're fighting for your attention, but ultimately like they're gonna be friends in a few years.
• 44:17
  Yeah.
• 44:17
  And it's all gonna work its way out.
• 44:19
  So it's like accepting that you're just in this hard time.
• 44:22
  I think that's part of it.
• 44:23
  You just have to accept it and breathe through it,.
• 44:25
  L that it, there is so much positivity that's going to come from these hard points, and I think that practical advice that's more like mindset, but practical advice is you have to go to the older kid or the one that needs you.
• 44:42
  'cause sometimes I think the older one is the one that needs you more at the time.
• 44:45
  Yeah.
• 44:45
  As they all become older, that gets a little trickier.
• 44:48
  But then you have to figure out like, is this just a ride or is this my, your emotional support?
• 44:54
  You have to figure out which kid needs you for which thing at that time.
• 44:58
  But I would tend to go to Joseph first, and then when the twins were born, I would tend to go to Vincent more.
• 45:04
  Like I always went to the older.
• 45:05
  One, I always showed my face with the older one.
• 45:08
  I love that because I always felt like that was Yeah.
• 45:10
  More important for me to show up for them.
• 45:11
  Yeah.
• 45:12
  And I feel like that's not advice that you get a lot of the times, sometimes the mom just goes, it's default.
• 45:17
  It's default to go to the baby'cause you're nursing the baby.
• 45:20
  But I don't know.
• 45:20
  I pumped, I gave the girls bottles.
• 45:22
  Yep.
• 45:23
  Somebody was there to feed them.
• 45:24
  And I don't know I actually think my girls are advice.
• 45:26
  No, I think that's, think's girls are more flexible advice Yeah.
• 45:29
  Because of that.
• 45:30
  Yeah.
• 45:30
  Yeah.
• 45:31
  I think that's really good advice.
• 45:32
  We're gonna close with our pink spotlight, which is our person, place, tip thing, mantra.
• 45:39
  Any tip to share from each of us for the week and anything that's making life a little bit better?
• 45:46
  I'm gonna share mine because mine actually, it goes very hand in hand with your advice and it's not really like a mindset.
• 45:53
  It's something that I saw on Instagram and it was from the Balanced Blonde.
• 45:57
  I'll tag her on Instagram, but I believe it was called, the Window Theory.
• 46:02
  It encourages living with intention and recognizing the windows of opportunity or connection that life presents.
• 46:09
  And it also emphasizes that every version of yourself, your loved ones and your relationships are fleeting and they will never exist in the same form that they are right now.
• 46:22
  And I was looking at that as I feel like I'm somebody who always like, looks ahead, right?
• 46:28
  Like I wanna look ahead to the next chapter.
• 46:30
  Especially when you have young kids and you're like, this is so hard, right?
• 46:34
  Like you're in this space, you wanna put these positive mindsets in your head because otherwise you can just drown in how hard.
• 46:44
  The first few years can be, but if you look at this like window theory of everyone around you, you're in this window of time right now where like nothing, like right now is gonna look like this a month from now, two months from now, five years from now.
• 47:01
  So you have to look at these little windows and appreciate everything that's there.
• 47:05
  So I try to look at that as, yes, I'm in a very hard stage with my kids.
• 47:10
  They're very young.
• 47:11
  We have two toddlers.
• 47:12
  I feel like right now, my daughter's two, my son is still three.
• 47:16
  He's gonna be four in a couple of months.
• 47:18
  And so I feel like I'm like, wow, we're still in it.
• 47:21
  Things have gotten better, but we're still in it.
• 47:23
  And I could really go with that, right?
• 47:26
  Where I'm like, Ugh, we're still in survival mode.
• 47:28
  Everything is so hard.
• 47:29
  But I've been trying to be like.
• 47:31
  My parents are still here.
• 47:33
  My in-laws are still here, my cats are still here.
• 47:36
  I have a cat.
• 47:36
  One of them is gonna be 14.
• 47:38
  So you're looking to a different window.
• 47:39
  Know I'm trying to be like, this is this window right where everything is really hard right now and we're still in this hard phase, but this window is never gonna look like this right now.
• 47:50
  And just like almost if you visualize that like you're looking in a window and you're like, this is how this looks right now and it's not gonna look like this forever.
• 47:58
  And that really, when I heard that, it really stopped me.
• 48:02
  Like I was like, wow, when you're going back to drowning in the hard.
• 48:06
  If you stop and think about that.
• 48:09
  Things aren't gonna look like this forever.
• 48:11
  All the positives, and all of the negatives, but it's not gonna look like this forever.
• 48:15
  I just feel like it's very powerful and very jarring Yeah.
• 48:19
  To think of that.
• 48:20
  And so I wanted to share that.
• 48:21
  I love that theory.
• 48:21
  I think anybody can look at that.
• 48:23
  Look at that.
• 48:24
  Like through that window and any part of their like retirement.
• 48:27
  Yes.
• 48:27
  Like with, at any phase of their life.
• 48:30
  And you can look at it as if everything is really hard for you right now, maybe you can almost reframe that as if you're looking through a window and you're like, this is the window right now.
• 48:40
  Yeah.
• 48:40
  But that doesn't mean that it's gonna be the window in the future.
• 48:43
  So you can look at it both ways.
• 48:44
  I was choosing to look at it in a very positive and almost get over your shit sometimes.
• 48:49
  Like we're in a good place.
• 48:51
  Although there's really hard moments.
• 48:54
  We're in a good spot, and I have to remind myself of that.
• 48:58
  Even when things are really hard you're in a good enough spot to even give yourself the opportunity to look in the window.
• 49:03
  Something.
• 49:04
  To look in the window.
• 49:04
  Yep.
• 49:05
  My, my youngest sister, Marissa, just moved outta my parents' house.
• 49:08
  Yeah.
• 49:08
  And she moved over the weekend, and so everybody's gone.
• 49:12
  And so my parents have grown up, or we've grown up with a full house because it was me and my sister Nicole.
• 49:18
  And then when the big age staff was 12, Joseph and Gianna were born.
• 49:22
  So there was, there's always kids in that house.
• 49:24
  And then the weekend was busy because my parents were here, they were helping me.
• 49:27
  They were at my sister's house, helping her move.
• 49:30
  The weekends are always busy.
• 49:31
  'cause my parents are like toggling between helping all of us.
• 49:35
  And yesterday came along, it was like Monday night and my dad called and said, mommy's making dinner, can you come over?
• 49:41
  And I said, dad, I would love to come over and eat dinner right now, but I just can't.
• 49:46
  Like I am toast after the weekend.
• 49:48
  Yeah.
• 49:48
  Like we have hockey practice, Nick is working late.
• 49:50
  It wasn't an excuse, it was just like me being like, I'm not driving to Rocky Hill tonight.
• 49:54
  I'm so tired.
• 49:55
  And he's alright, fine.
• 49:57
  So I spoke to him today.
• 49:59
  I am like how is it at home?
• 50:00
  He's like, it's so quiet.
• 50:03
  Yeah.
• 50:03
  It's just me and mom.
• 50:05
  And I'm like, oh my gosh.
• 50:06
  It hasn't been like that for you for 40 years.
• 50:08
  Yeah.
• 50:08
  So he was trying to bring you back last night.
• 50:10
  So I'm sure that they're looking at a very lonely window right now.
• 50:14
  Yeah.
• 50:14
  'Cause all of their kids Yep.
• 50:16
  Are out of the house.
• 50:17
  Everybody is Yep.
• 50:18
  Healthy and happy and doing great.
• 50:19
  But now it's just the two of them.
• 50:21
  Yeah.
• 50:21
  That's gonna be our window one day.
• 50:23
  Yes.
• 50:24
  I know.
• 50:24
  Which is so cra I know.
• 50:25
  And life will look so different, so it's, it is, it's just a really crazy kind of thing to, to realize.
• 50:31
  And I think keeping something like that in the back of your head just really centers you sometimes and grounds you.
• 50:36
  And so that's like the thing that I keep circling back to throughout the day.
• 50:40
  Yeah.
• 50:41
  When things are hard.
• 50:42
  When I'm putting out the 20th fire of the day oh, kt, what is yours?
• 50:49
  So it should be that little sweetie on your lap.
• 50:53
  So actually it's a dog shampoo.
• 50:55
  Oh, okay.
• 50:56
  There you go.
• 50:56
  Oh, I was on it.
• 50:56
  Do you watch Bravo?
• 50:58
  I don't really watch Bravo.
• 50:59
  So on Bravo right now, there's all the commercials for the Mrs.
• 51:02
  Meyers dog shampoo.
• 51:03
  Okay.
• 51:04
  And a bunch of the housewives have animals and they do the commercial.
• 51:08
  And so my girlfriend Chrissy was like, oh, you should try the Mrs.
• 51:11
  Meyers dog shampoo.
• 51:13
  'cause when they're little like this, they get into everything and I feel like I'm bathing her every single day.
• 51:17
  Or like she poops in her crate and then I have to give her a bath.
• 51:20
  So I've got the Mrs.
• 51:23
  Meyers dog shampoo and I got the white peach Ooh.
• 51:27
  Scent that.
• 51:27
  And it smells.
• 51:29
  So good.
• 51:29
  She does smell good.
• 51:30
  I picked her up.
• 51:31
  She always smells like a light fragrance.
• 51:33
  She does.
• 51:33
  And she's chewing on right now.
• 51:35
  In case you guys hear that rustling.
• 51:36
  I got her you a little, I got her a pink flamingo dog toy.
• 51:40
  And so that's what she is chewing on right now.
• 51:42
  But she does, I picked her up and I sniffed her, and she smells, but it's like a three in one.
• 51:47
  So it's cleanses, conditions, deodorized.
• 51:49
  I love it.
• 51:50
  It's cruelty free, all the things, but I like it.
• 51:54
  And it's pretty affordable too.
• 51:55
  And a little goes a long way.
• 51:56
  You're only supposed to use like a little dab.
• 51:58
  Oh, she, oh, she looks so cute.
• 52:01
  But I am so obsessed with this dog.
• 52:02
  Guys we're so obsessed with her, like she's going to be my pink spotlight.
• 52:05
  I just love her.
• 52:06
  You can just tell she just has such a good little soul.
• 52:10
  Like her energy is she's so calming and like lovey and I, she melts in your arms.
• 52:16
  Like I, no, she's a good girl.
• 52:16
  I was saying to you before we started filming, but I am just, first of all, I'm a huge animal lover.
• 52:21
  You love dogs, but like, when I have an animal that just like Mel loves on you in my arms, I am like, there's nothing better in the world.
• 52:29
  And actually, she's a melter.
• 52:30
  My cat is my cat Misha, who's gonna be 14 in February.
• 52:35
  I think she's seven and a half pounds.
• 52:37
  She's like a newborn size.
• 52:39
  And sometimes people are like, do you ever get like the urge for to hold a newborn?
• 52:43
  And I'm like, no, I have, I don't because I like that feeling like I hold her and she feels like a newborn baby.
• 52:49
  She's seven and a half pounds.
• 52:50
  It's like the average size of a baby, the perfect size.
• 52:52
  And like she lays in my arms like a newborn baby, and she'll lay there for hours.
• 52:56
  Like she'll rot with me if I could.
• 52:58
  And I love that feeling.
• 53:00
  So when I picked Noah up i'm like she just like melts into my arms and I'm like, this is everything.
• 53:04
  Yeah.
• 53:05
  Ava got a foot massager for Christmas.
• 53:07
  Ooh, I love those.
• 53:08
  So our neighbors have one and every time it's in their kitchen, every time they go there, Ava goes and sits at the little foot massager in the kitchen.
• 53:14
  So we got her one for Christmas, so it's in my TV room, like in the corner off to the side.
• 53:19
  And my like newest addiction is sitting in that chair with the dog.
• 53:24
  With the foot massager.
• 53:25
  With the foot massager, watching Tummy lies.
• 53:26
  He's, oh, I love.
• 53:27
  And now I'm like rewatching it because I'm just so into the new season.
• 53:31
  I know.
• 53:31
  So I'm just like, rewatching season two.
• 53:33
  I know.
• 53:33
  Season two was my favorite season.
• 53:34
  Sydnee we, I wish that we like did a recap of TV show sometimes, but I'm like, we also have so much that we wanna do here.
• 53:41
  It's like we would need a separate episode if everyone doesn't watch it.
• 53:44
  But, and also, there's only five left of this season, so it's Oh, it's a short season.
• 53:49
  Yes.
• 53:49
  There's only eight seasons released.
• 53:50
  Three, they've released three episodes and now there's only five more.
• 53:53
  'cause there's eight.
• 53:54
  Oh, there's only eight.
• 53:55
  I know.
• 53:55
  So it's not really.
• 53:56
  I don't know if it's worth doing a recap, but obviously T and I are into Tell me lies.
• 54:00
  If you're not into tell me.
• 54:01
  Lies Me lies.
• 54:02
  I don't know what you're doing.
• 54:04
  Please go watch it.
• 54:05
  It's the most toxic slash addictive show that you could watch right now.
• 54:12
  And.
• 54:13
  I it I don't have any words for it.
• 54:14
  It'll make you feel really good about all the choices you made in the early to mid two thousands if you were questioning them.
• 54:19
  Yeah.
• 54:21
  Yeah.
• 54:22
  Oh, so good.
• 54:23
  So good.
• 54:23
  But guys, thank you so much.
• 54:25
  Thank you for spending the last hour with us.
• 54:28
  We love you so much.
• 54:29
  Please rate, review and subscribe to us if you haven't already.
• 54:32
  And if you don't follow us on Instagram.
• 54:34
  We are at Pretty In Pink Again, and thank you for sharing our episodes.
• 54:37
  If you do.
• 54:38
  Yes, I know.
• 54:38
  I hope other mamas find us.
• 54:40
  Thank you so much.
• 54:40
  And we have some guests coming up in the upcoming week, some really good guests.
• 54:45
  I know.
• 54:45
  We're excited.
• 54:45
  Fun, fun.
• 54:45
  Collaborations excited coming up.
• 54:46
  So stay tuned for it all.
• 54:49
  Yeah, thank you so much.
• 54:50
  We'll see you next week.
• 54:51
  Bye.
• 54:51
  Bye.