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Toilet deities and Bathroom gods · Privycast

0:01
>> Speaker A: How sweet looking your crapper
0:04
shrine was would determine how
0:06
horst faced your child was.
0:13
Welcome back to privy. Privy
0:16
is a podcast about bathrooms
0:19
recorded from my home
0:22
bathroom. I'm your host,
0:24
hunter hoover, and I like
0:27
bathrooms. Um, it's an affinity,
0:30
really. Uh, uh,
0:34
ah, I would say m more time. I'm
0:37
saying my average is pretty high. Uh,
0:40
I'm going to tell you up front.
0:42
Um, welcome
0:45
back. Uh, first of all, let's get that out of the way. Uh,
0:48
I just want to address
0:51
that.
0:55
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that people are
0:58
less interested in the weekly bathroom checkup
1:01
of how randy my whole situation has been
1:04
for the week. Um, and so we're going to try to
1:07
tailor that. We're going to really try to rein that in a
1:09
bit. But I will tell you up
1:12
front, uh, there's going to be a little couple of randier
1:15
stories, uh, heading your way. Just wanting to let you
1:18
know that I'm, uh, finally going to bear
1:20
my, uh, I've teased you
1:23
long enough. The month of may has been one long
1:26
tease. And so I
1:28
want to really let this pay off in its own way. Uh,
1:31
so we'll get to that. Um, but I don't know if other
1:34
people, and I've
1:37
seen, uh, this notion and
1:40
this word thrown around on the Internet
1:43
of the idea of creatives. Now,
1:48
I don't fancy myself a
1:51
quote unquote creative. Um,
1:54
heavens knows there's not a lot of creative sitting
1:57
on your toilet in your jammies
2:00
presently, uh, with a can of unopened
2:03
polar silster, just staring at you, wondering
2:06
at what point you're going to grip and rip it.
2:09
But there's something to say.
2:12
Like, if you've undertaken a somewhat
2:15
creative project,
2:18
I have had some people discover
2:21
that creative project. This, you're listening to
2:24
it. Think of this as one big social
2:26
experiment. Uh, but I have had
2:29
people discover what I am doing here in the last couple
2:32
of weeks, and the
2:34
conversations are always great.
2:36
Uh, it usually leads
2:39
with,
2:44
do you make a show about toilets? Um,
2:46
and I usually have to say, well, no, it's about
2:49
bathrooms in general. We are not just
2:52
limiting ourselves to the toilet here.
2:57
And then there's this other, like,
3:03
there is some folks who, when,
3:06
when they hear about what we're doing, um,
3:09
they are met with just, like,
3:11
opinions that
3:15
discussing bathrooms and toilets and
3:17
poop on a podcast in a
3:20
somewhat public manner is crass,
3:25
that it should not be done. So here's the thing. Uh,
3:28
yes, it can be crass, but
3:32
have you ever spun around and checked out what's going on back
3:35
there because it's pretty crass
3:37
and everybody does it.
3:40
But I'm going to do, again, like I said, I'm going to
3:43
do less discussing my whole weekly
3:46
sitch, um, because I think I'm
3:48
not confident people need that. If I have
3:51
something outstanding to share with you, I will be
3:54
sure to do that. Trust me on that.
4:00
I'm going to go ahead and take a moment right now,
4:03
before we get into the formal bathrooms of the
4:06
episode. I need to take a moment and just rant about
4:09
GameStop. So here's my problem with GameStop.
4:12
First of all, uh,
4:14
so, oh, my gosh,
4:17
what direction do I run at this pig?
4:20
So, number one, GameStop
4:23
is they sell a lot more than video games
4:26
nowadays. And one of the things that they have kind of become
4:29
halfway okay at stocking
4:32
are Pokemon trading cards. And one of the
4:34
things that's happening is if you go to your local
4:37
Gamestop, they often have a
4:40
fully stocked Pokemon card section,
4:43
whereas if you go to your local target or
4:46
other store of that caliber,
4:48
you're going to find that there are very little,
4:51
if totally sold out.
4:55
And so it begs a question, well, what's going on?
4:57
So I went into my local
5:00
gamestop, uh, this week here in Albany,
5:03
Oregon, totally, uh, wanting to dunk on this gamestop. At
5:06
this point, I'm over it. Um, GameStop,
5:09
Albany, if you're listening, figure it. Uh,
5:14
so I go in and you get a five. If
5:17
you're a paying member of
5:19
GameStop's cult rewards
5:22
program. It, uh, is a cult because you have to
5:25
pay to be a part of it. But,
5:27
um, as
5:30
a member, you get $5 a month to spend
5:33
on whatever you want. And in the glory
5:35
days, I would go into my local
5:38
gamestop, and I could get
5:41
a pretty rad pack of Pokemon cards. Um,
5:44
but Pokemon cards have gone up. So this week I
5:47
went into GameStop Pokemon. The Pokemon company
5:49
released a new. It essentially comes with two
5:52
packs, a coin and, like, a little sticker sheet.
5:55
Uh, and this little bundle is usually
5:58
$10. Like, you are essentially
6:00
paying full retail price for two packs of cards and getting
6:03
the coin, the tin, and the sticker sheet for free.
6:06
And so I go into GameStop, and I have a
6:09
$5 bill in pocket and a $5 rewards
6:12
coupon. And I
6:15
ask the bloke, can I get one of those? And he rings it up, and he
6:17
tells me it's 1499. And I'm like, well,
6:21
that just cannot be. And he says, yes, it's
6:24
1499. And I go,
6:26
uh, okay, well, I will actually
6:29
not take that, then, to which I walked out of
6:31
GameStop, got on the Pokemon trading, or,
6:34
uh, uh, uh, the Pokemon center
6:37
website to look and see what Pokemon's
6:40
retail value of this card tin is, and it was
6:43
999. So I don't know where GameStop gets off
6:46
charging an extra $5 over the Pokemon company
6:48
themselves, but know your place.
6:51
Stay, uh, in your lane. Why don't you sell Mario video games or
6:54
something? But my other grievance
6:57
with GameStop is, as of the point of this
7:00
recording, um, we are about two days
7:02
in on the release of Tears of the kingdom,
7:05
and I went to the pre release to pick the
7:08
game up so my son could play it. The day it came out, the
7:11
way our lives are structured, this is how he was going to play
7:13
it. Um, but in order to
7:17
get this game, you had to go into the store
7:19
and preorder it. Check.
7:22
Um, and then the
7:25
afternoon prior to the pre release,
7:28
on the day before, you had to go
7:31
in within this three hour window
7:34
of time. And if you're a working person,
7:37
this can be a maneuver, uh, to do,
7:40
but you have to go in
7:43
and you have to have
7:46
them verify that you did preorder
7:49
your game. Uh, and so then
7:52
they print you a new receipt, and
7:55
then you have to go back for the
7:58
actual pre release, like,
8:01
3 hours after you went and got your receipt
8:04
checked, to have them then check the new
8:06
receipt and give you the game. And if you're hearing this and
8:09
you're thinking, this is too much
8:12
effort. Yes, but it's
8:15
the hoops they make you jump through. I think they make it difficult
8:18
on purpose to try to weed out the people who are willing to
8:21
go through with this. But I digress.
8:24
That's my short little tirade against
8:26
GameStop. I'm just kind of over it.
8:30
I'm just over it. But this week
8:33
on privy, if there's anything that.
8:38
Yeah, this week on privy,
8:41
we're going to discuss something that's kind of.
8:44
It's a little weird. Um,
8:48
and I'm gonna pad this as we get into it, but
8:51
this week on privy, we're going to be
8:53
discussing bathroom deities,
8:55
specifically toilet,
8:59
quote unquote gods.
9:04
Let's go ahead at the top of the
9:07
topic here. Go ahead and let this get this grip and rip. Let's get that in
9:10
there for the.
9:15
Ooh,
9:18
my goodness. That orange vanilla.
9:21
Polar seltzer. Polar seltzer.
9:25
Consider this free endorsement in advertising.
9:28
Uh, you all just making good seltzer. Um, I
9:31
also looked up polar seltzer this week or last week,
9:34
maybe. Um, these dudes have been making
9:36
seltzer for like, a bajillion
9:39
years. It's good stuff.
9:41
Um, if you're one of these lacroix
9:44
children, uh, you need to grow up and drink polar
9:47
Seltzer. That's my official claim. Um,
9:51
but this week we're talking about bathroom
9:53
deities. And something that I have come
9:56
to understand is people will
9:59
believe in and follow
10:02
all sorts of things in their lives. Like, they
10:05
will have all sorts of sayings and mantras
10:07
and aphorisms that they tell themselves to get
10:11
themselves through life.
10:13
Last week, uh, at the time of this
10:16
recording, it was about two weeks ago, the
10:19
cult of Star wars had their big day. And there
10:21
are people who actually believe and follow the stuff,
10:25
uh, of Star wars as a religion. And we
10:27
talked about Star wars bathrooms last week or last
10:30
year. If you want to go see that, you can go look up the Star
10:33
wars bathroom episode. But there's people who
10:36
actually follow Star wars as a religion.
10:39
I think they are weirdos. Um,
10:42
and maybe that's rude, but
10:49
have you ever seen Star wars?
10:55
Now, this is not a religion
10:58
podcast. I have noted in the past, I work for
11:01
a church. Um, I do
11:04
youth ministry and young adults ministry through our
11:07
church. And this,
11:10
as a result, a lot of my thinking
11:15
is wrapped up both in toilets and in
11:18
theological matters. Um,
11:22
but this is not a religion podcast.
11:25
Uh, and I know I work
11:28
at a church and make a podcast about
11:30
bathrooms, I know, but
11:34
things that are religious or religious
11:36
affiliated capture my attention. They
11:39
interest me. And so
11:43
this episode started, as so
11:46
many privy episodes did, with a strange
11:49
trip down Joe Byron's Google and the search features it
11:52
provides. Now, I was poking
11:55
around in the world of toilets,
11:58
and by world of toilets, I mean the Wikipedia page
12:01
for toilets. Uh, there's a lot of good info there. There's
12:04
a lot of good rabbit trails and leads. Um,
12:07
but I was poking around there, and something came
12:10
up, and that is that
12:13
there is a number of deities,
12:17
things that have been worshipped by other
12:19
cultures. And these gods, or
12:22
whatever you want to call them,
12:24
um,
12:28
um, they have a vested
12:31
interest in what we need to talk
12:34
about here. Uh,
12:36
so many of what
12:39
we're going to, these bathroom gods
12:42
are often under the category
12:45
of what is called a household
12:48
God or a household idol. Now,
12:51
in cultures and circles that believe in this, they
12:53
have an idol or
12:56
a thing, um, that
12:59
oversee your household. And in some
13:01
cases, they oversee specific
13:04
areas of the household or
13:07
certain aspects of our lives.
13:09
I think of ancient deities that were called
13:12
the blank God, the sun God,
13:15
the, um, cat. I don't
13:18
know. You know what I'm saying, though. That's
13:21
the God of pickled pig's feet. There's got to be
13:24
one. Um, I didn't look that up,
13:27
but I really hope there is.
13:30
I bet he's stinky. Uh,
13:33
but some of these, though, they're
13:36
weird. They don't really interest us here, like
13:39
so many of these deities. Uh,
13:41
whatever, the romans. However,
13:44
I'm going to note a few of these weird ones. So the
13:47
romans had a goddess of door hinges, and
13:50
another was the God of mile posts.
13:53
There's gods of eating dirt. One is described
13:56
as a hippopotamus faced God.
14:00
And I know this is going to sound like a cop out
14:02
and almost a workaround, but you need to believe
14:05
me when I say if people have interacted with
14:08
something, there is probably someone out
14:11
there who has tried to or
14:14
has succeeded in worshipping that
14:17
thing. We're pretty
14:20
smart as humans.
14:23
For goodness sakes, we have a flying spaghetti
14:25
monster. And now I know that was kind of made
14:28
as a joke, sort of, but, like, guess what? If that's
14:31
the case, I say I'll make my jokes.
14:36
The Greeks leaned into this fact that
14:39
there was a God for every matter, so
14:42
much so that they had a God of miscellaneous m,
14:44
or as it is better known, the unknown
14:47
God. This they would pay tribute to
14:50
in case there was a God they hadn't
14:53
figured out yet. Good
14:56
thing, too. Um, the way people interact with their
14:59
phones, little did they know
15:02
the number of times I have seen a teenager
15:04
just be so addicted to their phone in the last
15:07
week. I'm talking full on adults
15:10
unable to function socially and in
15:13
society because they worship this stupid electric
15:16
box.
15:20
I have had teens frothing at the
15:23
mouth because they're not allowed to use their screen.
15:26
Literally froth, coming out of their mouth.
15:30
I got to stop before the old man's soapbox rant
15:33
gets out of hand. I really got to rein this one in.
15:38
But for real, people have pretty much figured
15:41
out how to worship all sorts of
15:43
nonsense. And for our
15:46
purposes, some of those gods
15:48
found their way into the bathroom.
15:55
And there are a number of categories here. And the first
15:58
is just the general bathroom God.
16:00
Now, there is a segment of
16:03
household deities that significant, I
16:06
should note here. I don't believe in any of this.
16:09
Um, I think a lot of these
16:12
are just, like, superstitions, um, that we
16:15
have strapped a face to, like, a carving and
16:18
called it a day. Um, but you know
16:21
what? It's my show and then
16:24
take it up with me. These bathroom
16:27
deities have also been called toilet gods
16:29
or latrine deities.
16:32
They're usually small statues
16:35
and they are usually
16:37
worshipped by
16:39
people for some reason,
16:42
to usually grant health,
16:45
well being, and on some
16:48
occasions, fertility, because
16:50
bathrooms are related to
16:53
being yeoli. Fertile myrtles.
16:56
That's an unfortunate name. If your name's Myrtle,
16:59
I'm sorry, um,
17:02
I'm not talking about you,
17:05
but, like, fertile just rhymes so well with
17:07
myrtle. Maybe that's why they call
17:10
it Myrtle Beach. I don't know.
17:13
Many ancient cultures made a connection between
17:16
taking a fat deuce and well
17:19
being in know.
17:22
I should have asked Jason when he was on.
17:24
He's a know when he's dropping a
17:27
jumbo stack. Does he just
17:30
get the feeling he'll have a great harvest? Like, makes
17:33
a guy wonder.
17:37
Next time I'm ferociously
17:39
grunting out a log, I'm going to be thinking
17:43
about every farmer as they
17:46
plow their field.
17:49
There's been very many toilet deities.
17:52
The Romans kick things off with
17:55
Sturquillinus, the God of
17:58
manure. Imagine drawing that short straw
18:01
of all the things you could be in charge of
18:04
or like, have power
18:07
from or over manure.
18:10
Good one. One. An
18:13
ancient roman sewer goddess
18:16
called cloacina,
18:19
which is a name that comes from
18:22
the latin word for sewer, which was
18:24
coloaca. Hear that, birds?
18:27
You got sewer down there. We know what you got
18:30
going on. But
18:33
this cloacina could
18:36
have been referred to an etruscan borrowed
18:39
deity or was possibly another means
18:42
by addressing the quotes goddess
18:45
Venus, in a sense that it evoked another
18:48
nature or role. So
18:51
they got themselves a roman sewer God.
18:54
Nice. Roman myth
18:56
says that Titus Tatius built
18:59
a shrine to this
19:02
fake God in his toilet. Now, I can't imagine
19:05
that made using the toilet
19:08
any easier, but he didn't seem too worried about,
19:11
like, could you imagine? You put it in
19:14
the like, you're not going to be able to
19:17
go there. The Romans were
19:20
also said to have a God of flatulence.
19:23
That's hoity toity for farting.
19:27
And it should be noted, this fart idol,
19:30
Crepidus, was likely created as a satire
19:33
to poke fun at all the crazy things they made
19:35
idols into. Ah. And I
19:38
must note, I like the spirit of
19:41
like. If you have a God of manure,
19:45
it is reasonably equally easy to
19:48
perceive that you would have a God of
19:50
ripping a beefer. In the areas
19:53
of Japan, humans would harvest
19:56
their waste to be used as fertilizer and or
19:59
feed for the old fellas out
20:02
back, we'll get to pig's thighs
20:05
one day. But this God
20:08
is often called the
20:10
kawayakami.
20:14
Japanese toilets, as a result, were
20:16
often much more dangerous than toilets in other parts of the
20:19
world because they often
20:22
emptied down into a big trough
20:25
or latrine where they would
20:28
feed these animals or could go
20:30
into other uses. Um, japanese
20:33
toilets then had the real danger, like,
20:36
you could actually fall into the
20:39
cesspit and get stuck and die or fall
20:42
to and get sick.
20:45
And so this meant that in their
20:47
culture, you needed to ask a bathroom buddy to
20:50
protect you when bumping a brownie out.
20:54
The japanese toilet deity has been
20:57
depicted a number of ways, but often
21:00
a shrine is built around an
21:02
appointed toilet, which would be
21:05
decorated. The status of this
21:07
toilet shrine thing was
21:10
said to determine who
21:13
horse faced how.
21:16
Okay, so if you built a really nice looking
21:19
shrine and you were pregnant and you had a
21:22
child, or if you bumped
21:25
uglies, if you will, and were going to have a
21:27
child, how sweet
21:30
looking your crapper shrine was
21:33
would determine how horse faced your child
21:36
was, meaning the sweeter the shrine,
21:40
the more Gerber baby face your child
21:42
was.
21:45
The japanese toilet deity has
21:48
been depicted a number of ways, but often
21:51
the shrine is built around an appointed toilet.
21:54
Uh, some japanese cultures depict
21:57
him as a blind man holding a spear in the toilet.
22:00
Now, that is not what you want.
22:03
That is no place to put a spear.
22:07
That spear is going to do bad things.
22:11
But they have this superstition
22:13
because this deity is said to do this.
22:16
When you enter a bathroom, you are to clear your
22:19
throat so that way the blind guy
22:22
can get the spear out of the way.
22:25
It would seem to me it would be more wise
22:28
to just don't put the spear there at all. This
22:31
deity had names all throughout Japan,
22:34
including Sechin san in
22:36
Hiroshima. And
22:41
in some place, I can't pronounce the deity
22:44
or the place it came from. Um, but it's got a
22:47
bunch of names. That's what you need to know.
22:50
In Korea, they have the young
22:53
lady of the toilet called.
22:56
I'm. Listen, you know
22:59
me and foreign languages.
23:04
Um, I'm having a good day when I can tackle
23:07
ye oldie American English.
23:10
You toss these weird flipping words at
23:13
me and I'm going to fumble them every time. That's a
23:16
football term, by the way.
23:20
But chukshin was said to
23:23
be a perverse deity and is usually
23:26
celebrated in October. Looking at you, Halloween.
23:29
The Maori people of New Zealand had
23:32
deities which did focus on the village latrine.
23:35
It was believed that if
23:38
you bit, yes, bit
23:41
with your face, bones,
23:44
teeth.
23:46
The latrine structure would
23:49
receive
23:52
revival from sickness, faintness, and
23:54
fatigue. If you are sick,
23:58
you're not feeling well, you have a tum tum problem. You're
24:01
feeling extra weak and tired.
24:04
Go chew on the toilet. That was the solution in
24:07
this. What a world.
24:11
What's Tony doing? Well, he's licking the
24:14
toilet. Uh, cold. Yeah,
24:18
he's been out there his third time this week. Who ref
24:21
break. Wonder why he's not feeling any
24:24
better. Uh, similarly, in
24:26
China, they have the Mao goo, or
24:29
lady of the latrine. The legend
24:32
goes, this spirit, I
24:35
don't know, whatever, was abused and died and
24:38
as a result was later worshipped by women by way
24:40
of this weird doll idol thing. I
24:43
don't know. Outside the continent of Asia,
24:46
the indigenous canadian people, the Inu,
24:49
have a farting God called the
24:57
machishkapew. That sounds
25:00
like what you would say to someone when they fart.
25:02
Machishkapew. The toot guy is even
25:05
more powerful than all the. Than their caribou
25:08
master in their lore, having cursed him with
25:11
constipation and then curing him of it when the caribou
25:14
were provided to the people. Some
25:17
of these InU people
25:19
claim that this farting
25:21
deity speaks to them through
25:24
farts, and they have elders, or
25:27
in the past have had elders who
25:30
have been called on to interpret their
25:32
farts. If you're listening to
25:35
this, and
25:38
if you are someone who believes that they can
25:41
interpret farts,
25:44
please email me.
25:48
I am willing to provide audio samples for
25:51
you. That's all I'm going to say about
25:54
that. Another, a
25:57
babylonian idol
26:00
named Shed Bethakise
26:02
is a toilet demon who
26:05
gives anyone epilepsy if they have
26:08
sexual relations too close to the bathrooms.
26:11
And so, yeah, that's fake.
26:13
Um, and so we're actually going to stop there
26:16
because what I'm finding is
26:19
there is a litany of these bad guys,
26:22
but we're going to visit toilet
26:24
demons at another time. Stay tuned.
26:32
But I have to note in some
26:34
cases of these quote
26:37
unquote gods,
26:40
they were a complete fabrication,
26:42
and it still sounds like something someone
26:45
could have pursued. There's
26:48
a lot of nonsense that people worship. Like, what is
26:51
this one bloke doing with his spear in the toilet?
26:54
It is going to full yoink someone up the
26:57
backside. Stop it. I'm
27:00
just going to say it. I don't think you need to store
27:03
sharp weapons in the bathroom,
27:08
but, like, happy pooping everyone.
27:11
In fact, I think it's
27:14
time I catch y'all up
27:17
it's time for hunter's
27:20
anecdotes to keep you
27:23
afloat.
27:29
At the beginning of the month, May
27:32
2023 of our lord,
27:35
I teased that I had used
27:37
the bathroom somewhere, and it was not my home.
27:40
And I. And I must confess, um, not
27:43
only was it not my home, it was not.
27:49
What happened was the young
27:52
adults had a young
27:55
adult college group had a, um,
27:58
event, and we went to this
28:01
splatter box here in Albany. We got just totally
28:04
sullied with paint. Um, but after getting
28:07
totally sullied with paint, we were going to go out to dinner. The
28:10
problem is, much of this paint is very wet, and we are
28:13
not going to be able to sit on their booths or any of
28:16
their structures without
28:18
causing a severe problem with this
28:21
paint. And so
28:23
what are we going to do? What are we going to do? And we all decided,
28:26
hey, the church has showers.
28:30
We're going to go over and shower off at the church
28:33
and then go to dinner. And so that is
28:35
just what we did. Um, and so we go over
28:38
to the church, and,
28:42
uh, I was first up on the shower, and I
28:45
got in, and I must confess,
28:47
and
28:50
call this a sin, if you will. Um,
28:53
but I must confess, the
28:56
urge to purge hit me.
28:58
And normally,
29:03
I can't stress, I was not alone. I was alone
29:06
in the shower, but I was not alone in the bathroom. And I
29:09
think in a normal circumstance, I would have done the super
29:12
wet drip across the bathroom to the
29:15
toilet, been wet on the toilet and gone. I think I would have done
29:18
that. Um, but for circumstances that
29:21
are outside of many people's
29:23
understanding. Um, so,
29:26
again, there was two young adult guys. Uh,
29:32
I'm not, like, Nard
29:34
shy, but I'm also not looking to
29:37
dribble wet dingleberries all over the
29:40
bathroom while the two young adult guys are in
29:42
there. Like, I just don't need to do that if I can avoid it.
29:45
The other thing is,
29:48
there was a teenage youth group staying
29:51
at the church at the time, and now they were
29:54
not in the building, they were at their conference, but
29:57
they were still using the facilities. And, um, because
30:00
we are tight on time, if I get out, I'm either going to
30:03
have to completely dry off and then come back and restart
30:06
this, or I'm going to have to just
30:09
spread water all over the church bathroom
30:12
in order to get from
30:15
point A to point b. Or the third option,
30:18
which is what I did, you could
30:21
perform a waffle stomp in the church bathroom,
30:24
uh, in the church shower.
30:27
And so that is what I did. Um,
30:30
I'm here to report,
30:33
I, I did a, I did a waffle stomp in the,
30:36
in the church shower and it was all
30:39
clean, it was all cleaned up, it was taken care of.
30:42
Um, it was the best, it was the best,
30:45
uh, way for me to handle the situation in the
30:48
moment. Um, but I must
30:50
confess, it did happen
30:59
this second story, so that, you know, I teased
31:02
that. And here we are,
31:06
we all learned something about each other today, right?
31:10
But this other story and this one's going to have
31:13
some photographic and videographic
31:15
evidence. So a hot
31:18
minute ago, uh, one of fellow friend
31:21
of the show and former guest Jude Domini,
31:24
uh, sent me this video of a man
31:27
who had consumed dragon fruit.
31:30
And in the video, the guy
31:33
eats a dragon fruit, a yellow dragon
31:35
fruit, and then he's like riding his bike and he like
31:38
pertineer crashes and has to tear into a porta potty
31:41
where he just totally voids his whole
31:44
system. And it's rough sounding.
31:47
Mhm. And so naturally
31:49
I see this video and like everybody on the
31:52
planet, my first thought is, well, my goodness, I have to get
31:55
dragon fruit in my tummy. And
31:58
so Malad purchased, uh,
32:01
me a dragon fruit, uh, and she
32:04
sliced it up real nice, prepared it,
32:07
and I ate this dragon fruit in under three
32:10
minutes. I gobbled it right down.
32:13
And after I did, I kind of had just
32:16
like just the most
32:19
ongoing anxiety as I
32:22
dread, like, when is this
32:25
going to hit me? What will I be
32:28
doing when my bowels decide to totally void
32:31
themselves? 1 hour ticks by, 2
32:33
hours ticks by and I'm paying a lot of
32:36
attention to my tummy and I'm like, man, I don't know,
32:40
it feels fine. I mean, I feel
32:43
okay. 3 hours, 4 hours go
32:46
by and at this point I'm like,
32:49
usually I've already pooped anyway. Like, I'm
32:52
averaging three to six poops a day. So
32:55
like, you tell me.
32:59
And I ate this dragon fruit and it didn't do a gosh darn
33:01
thing. It didn't do anything. Nothing.
33:05
And so I said to myself, well,
33:09
maybe the problem wasn't the dragon fruit, maybe it was the
33:11
volume, the amount of dragon fruit. So
33:15
my wife goes back to the store, purchases,
33:18
two yellow dragon fruits,
33:22
and this time I'm going in and I'm pretty
33:25
skeptical. Like, I'm thinking, okay, I
33:28
already did this dance once. Nothing happened.
33:31
Uh, it's going to be fine. And so I
33:34
gobbled down two yellow dragon fruit, which
33:37
that is a feat in itself. That's a lot of
33:40
fruit to eat, by the way. It's a delicious
33:42
flavor. Very, um, sweet. Uh, I'm a big
33:45
fan. If they weren't so expensive, I would eat dragon fruit on the
33:48
regular. Um, but I gobbled down these
33:51
two dragons. I gobbled down, like, $6 worth of dragon fruit
33:54
in under five minutes. And
33:58
I kind of just waited. And
34:01
almost on the dot, an hour and a half
34:03
later,
34:06
my bowels dunk on me so hard. We're
34:09
walking in target, and I'm like,
34:12
I am in trouble.
34:14
And I tried to explain it to my wife,
34:17
but it just felt like there was just. It
34:20
felt like my entire butt and everything in
34:23
my stomach was filled with liquid.
34:26
And, um, we had to make another
34:28
stop. So I'm, like, driving and trying
34:31
to pinch not a loaf, but stop the
34:34
dam, and we go to hunco to get some more
34:37
groceries, and I beeline it to the toilet. Like,
34:40
we got to get there. And
34:43
round one happens.
34:46
And I'm here to tell you that in the course of
34:48
the next 2
34:51
hours, I went to the bathroom five
34:54
times. And at the peak,
34:57
at the climax.
35:00
Climax of all of this,
35:04
it's just liquid. It's just liquid with
35:07
seeds in it. And I know that's a crass picture
35:10
to paint, but I'm here to tell you, if you're backed
35:13
up, get yourself a couple yellow dragon fruits.
35:17
It will polish you right off. Like, it'll do
35:19
the job.
35:21
Um, it
35:24
was the most scared I've been of pooping my pants in
35:27
some time.
35:29
Wowza.
35:32
This has been, uh, Hunter's
35:35
anecdotes to keep you
35:38
afloat.
35:47
And this brings us to the end of another episode
35:50
of Privy. Thanks for joining us. Um, as
35:53
always, follow us on social media. We're at privycast. Leave
35:56
us a rating and review. The five star options are preferred, and
35:59
a dollar for each rating is donated to the wounded warriors
36:01
project, reminding, um, you to keep pooping in the
36:04
free world. But the free world was not always free.
36:07
Send us an email,
36:08
privycast@gmail.com. We'd love to hear from
36:11
you. Episode suggestions. Say hi.
36:14
Um, make silly art. I've got some
36:16
listener art that I need to share. Um, shout out
36:19
to Roxanne for the very cool, uh, art
36:22
that is going to be. Either have already been shared or will be
36:25
shared soon. Um, we would like to thank Kevin
36:28
McLeod and Pottington bear for the use of their music this week.
36:31
Thanks, Kevin and Pottington. This is another
36:34
episode of Privy. Thanks so much for joining
36:36
us. Wash your
36:39
butthole. And as
36:42
always, don't forget to flush.