Latest / Very Fine Friends / VFF II: The Secret of the Ooze

Transcript

VFF II: The Secret of the Ooze · Very Fine Friends

0:00
well it's a special day on the pod it's our producer joe's birthday and elle fanning friend
0:23
of the pod.
0:26
She's not as good a friend
0:27
as you. She's up there.
0:29
She's the same.
0:31
Happy birthday to you both. Mostly elf
0:33
fanning. But residual
0:36
to you. Yeah. How do you feel
0:37
Joe?
0:39
I feel good actually. I don't know.
0:41
I feel like
0:42
mid-twenties aging is actually
0:45
pretty cool when you're a guy.
0:47
Yeah.
0:49
Took me a while to realize it but I'm
0:51
coming in my life. Yeah it's way better. I know you used to have
0:53
this severe phobia of getting any older, but it's, uh, it's actually not a bad thing to be older.
1:01
I mean, there's a cap to it. Of course, you don't want to get too old. Yeah. Right. But I'm just
1:05
saying that as a man, my cap is way higher. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And a man with hair too, genetically
1:11
speaking, you're going to have your hair on the head on the head. Yes. On the head. Yeah. For a
1:16
long time. So yeah, you're going to be one of those salt and pepper types. You ever pull your
1:22
Is your own hair really hard, Joe?
1:24
Just to see if it's real?
1:25
Try it, Francie.
1:26
Your birthday party?
1:27
No, Francis, not that hard.
1:29
Shut up.
1:30
Oh, it all came out.
1:31
I'm not done.
1:31
This is your gift.
1:33
Francis, now everyone on the pod.
1:34
Let me give you a gift.
1:35
Now everyone on the pod knows that I wear a wig.
1:38
It's okay.
1:39
We won't tell.
1:40
It's our little secret.
1:41
Underneath the wig?
1:42
Hair.
1:44
Under that hair?
1:45
Wig.
1:47
Under that wig?
1:48
Bald cap.
1:49
It's a real egg roll of a sandwich.
1:51
Yeah.
1:52
Guy Fieri would be proud.
1:54
Yeah, well, happy birthday.
1:56
Thank you.
1:56
Many happy returns.
1:59
Don't know what that means.
2:00
More of it.
2:01
It means we want you to have many more birthdays
2:05
and we want them to be happy.
2:06
Many happy returns.
2:08
Oh, I always thought it was like,
2:10
eh, you're not glad about the gifts that you got,
2:13
but you're happy for the store credit
2:14
that you're going to get when you exchange them
2:16
or return them.
2:17
Oh, I didn't include any gift receipts in my gifts,
2:19
so if that's okay.
2:20
he's gonna have a real rough time returning them it's gonna be a real unhappy return just so you
2:24
know i check every dumpster in the phoenix area every night before bed so so you can't throw
2:30
anything away without him knowing just on you i gave to goodwill now welcome to very fine friends
2:40
where friends have birthdays sometimes and that's pretty cool pretty cool uh how are you doing
2:49
And Francis, I like your shirt.
2:50
Thank you.
2:51
I love that you said that.
2:52
It makes me feel really good.
2:54
That was, I was sincere in saying it,
2:58
but I'm glad that it also made you feel good.
3:00
Thank you.
3:00
I value your opinion a lot.
3:01
The important thing is that I like it when I left the house.
3:04
Yes.
3:04
And just to have you say it too.
3:05
Wow.
3:06
Yeah, that's extra.
3:07
That's bonus.
3:08
Yeah.
3:10
On the way over here, I saw a Suburban driving.
3:14
And I thought to myself,
3:15
I wonder if it's legal for a,
3:16
like a car company to start their own car,
3:20
to make their car and make it look kind of like a suburban a little bit and
3:23
call it a sub boy bin.
3:26
Do you think that's legal?
3:29
I feel like it should be,
3:30
but no,
3:31
I don't think it's legal.
3:32
I think there will definitely be people that sue and maybe they could just
3:36
say it's like a parody car.
3:37
Cause like under parody laws,
3:39
I can make a sub boy bin.
3:41
well actually maybe because
3:45
in
3:46
certain like anime
3:48
shows cartoons whatever
3:50
they're showing like
3:53
like there was one that I was watching one time
3:55
where they were showing at McDonald's and it was like
3:57
the logo the font the restaurant itself
3:59
was the same but they called it
4:01
McRonald's and it wasn't
4:03
like it wasn't meant as a joke
4:05
it was like for like copyright purposes
4:07
McRonald's is bold
4:08
that's the laziest
4:10
like but that that was in a that's in a tv show right you said that was an anime yeah i i wonder
4:19
it might be different if you're like trying to sell something versus yeah entertainment like uh
4:24
in nathan for you when he made not starbucks and it looked exact a dumb starbucks yeah dumb
4:29
starbucks sorry i'm an idiot i'm the dumb and dumb starbucks uh he made dumb starbucks and um
4:36
literally everything was exactly like Starbucks.
4:39
It looked like they had the same cup.
4:41
The logo was the same.
4:43
And to this day, sometimes that dumb Starbucks logo
4:46
shows up places as a stock image when people mean to.
4:51
I've seen people with shirts, dumb Starbucks shirts.
4:54
They must have bought it from Etsy or something.
4:56
That's good stuff.
4:58
So I do think that you would get in trouble for that,
5:02
but in my mind, you shouldn't.
5:04
It's fun. It's whimsy. Yeah. It's a boy band. Yeah.
5:09
Quick interruption. Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives
5:16
Francis and I each our own secret word. Throughout the course of the podcast,
5:22
we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person
5:28
noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point. And
5:34
right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize, whoever has the most
5:41
points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
5:47
Secret Words
5:58
okay sorry just yes speaking of cars do you remember the day woo yeah i could have sworn
6:11
this is like almost a mandela effect for me i almost said nelson effect
6:14
i always thought it was daywood like a day with laganza and then one day i saw i'm like day woo
6:21
who's Daewoo
6:23
um
6:25
yeah those that's a weird car
6:28
Daewoo do I don't see him too often
6:30
I always thought
6:31
Whataburger was Waterburger
6:33
I think I did too and I was like
6:36
who would want water on their burger
6:37
doesn't make any sense
6:39
excuse me my burger's drenched in water
6:41
I'm sorry this is dry can you do it again
6:44
could you put this in a cup
6:46
thanks
6:47
I'd like it to be soupy
6:50
i'm soupy well um one thing that's not soupy
7:00
so elegant the invention of the week
7:04
inventions
7:07
hey you oh hey i think you're gonna hate this oh no but
7:18
it seems fun to me.
7:20
What if this is the one that I really love?
7:24
We'll see.
7:25
Yeah.
7:26
You know how not everything needs to have
7:29
a real purpose?
7:31
I do know that, yeah.
7:32
Some things can just be for fun.
7:33
Like me.
7:35
I don't have a real purpose.
7:36
You have a purpose.
7:37
It's fun.
7:38
It's to be for fun, yeah.
7:40
It's to test drive my seboid.
7:43
No.
7:43
My invention is a fun, quirky...
7:50
You familiar with fake mustaches?
7:53
Yeah.
7:53
Okay.
7:54
You like them?
7:55
I do.
7:55
And you might love this.
7:56
Okay.
7:58
Introducing our very own line of funny fake parts.
8:05
And the first in the line is fake nipples.
8:08
And they go over your real nipples.
8:10
And you can have any color and shape and level of pointiness.
8:13
and very funny for the beach
8:16
because technically you're covered.
8:19
Yeah, that's true.
8:20
Yeah.
8:22
That just reminded me of a dream
8:24
that I had last night.
8:26
Write it down.
8:27
Okay.
8:28
Dream, dream, dream.
8:29
I'll tell you about it afterwards
8:32
but it involves covering nipples.
8:35
You don't have to.
8:36
Sounds like a terrible dream.
8:38
I know.
8:39
Let them be free.
8:40
okay so there's nipples moles warts skin tags oh like that kind of stuff you could put them
8:47
anywhere i it's a fun line of of what do you would you call what would you call those skin accessories
8:55
okay i was hoping it would be like
8:59
more like in the vein of fake mustaches or like googly eyes or
9:05
and then I was like 10 out of 10 no notes
9:08
I'm trying to think so for googly eyes
9:12
Rocco's modern life yeah it's implied you guys
9:15
yeah it's implied I want him to come to my funeral by the way
9:19
if I die first yeah make it happen okay
9:21
and then it's and then it's Francis's postmodern life
9:25
Jenna this is why you get the big bucks
9:29
yep for googly eyes it could be contacts
9:33
that have a little built-in googly eye
9:36
that moves around a little.
9:38
Yeah, that'd be fun.
9:39
But all of this is part of the same website.
9:43
I don't like the idea
9:44
of just having detachable skin tags.
9:46
That's weird.
9:47
Because I think skin tags are a little gross.
9:50
No, no, they're fun.
9:52
When you think about them.
9:53
No, it's just more to love.
9:57
I bet you if you put skin tags
9:59
on a certain arrangement on your body
10:01
and then brush it, you could play music.
10:03
ah that made me feel weird
10:07
hear me out you just met someone new okay you have a fake a face wart
10:18
and you have it there for weeks and then one day you put it on the other side
10:23
and don't address it yeah but you're walking around with a wart but it's fake you have the
10:29
confidence of knowing it's fake.
10:31
I feel like I would be
10:33
less confident because I would be like,
10:34
no one knows that I'm actually
10:37
hotter than this. That's because
10:39
it's going to be a big reveal.
10:42
Like
10:42
a 90s
10:45
movie where the girl takes her glasses
10:47
off, he took his wart off
10:49
and then suddenly everyone sees him in a different light.
10:51
Or like when you hear the first four bars
10:53
of 9 to 5 and then you
10:55
see someone on a stool turn around
10:56
to start singing it. That is very relatable,
10:58
actually. Yeah. I think we've all had that experience. Yeah. Um, it'd be fun for parties.
11:05
It'd be fun. I love the nipple idea because, um, I think it'd be funny and to be on the beach.
11:11
And I want to see that play out. And someone's like, you can't do that. I'm arresting you. And
11:14
you're like, this is my, this is my bikini top. It's fake nipples. This is similar to your
11:22
seboibin.
11:24
Will we get in trouble?
11:27
They're called nipples.
11:29
Not pulls.
11:37
I like it
11:38
if it's like, I don't know why
11:40
anyone would want warts. Let's leave, I don't know.
11:43
I guess we technically can have skin tags.
11:45
Moles? Moles are
11:47
a little different. You know how they're a little different?
11:47
Like Sarah Michelle Gellar? I don't know why I said that. That's not who I meant.
11:50
Sarah Jessica Parker? Yeah, that's right.
11:51
I wonder how Sarah Michelle Keller's doing.
11:55
She's doing well.
11:56
She and Freddie Prinze Jr. are still married.
11:58
Yeah, she was just in a movie.
11:59
Although they just shut down the reboot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
12:03
that she was going to do, which is probably good
12:05
because I was reading about it and it sounded terrible.
12:07
But that was multiple years in the making
12:10
and then they just recently stopped it.
12:12
You never know what worse luck your bad luck save you from.
12:16
Very Twoo.
12:17
Very Daewoo Twoo.
12:20
Very Subwaybent Twoo.
12:21
I like the idea of us having our own line of like costumey things.
12:28
Like, cause I fake fingers even on your, over your real fingers.
12:32
Excuse me.
12:33
I, uh, yeah, I, I like, I like whimsy.
12:38
I love googly eyes.
12:40
I like a fake mustache.
12:41
It's funny.
12:43
Yeah.
12:43
Real funny.
12:46
Um, weird nipples would be, would you have one, would you wear like one kind of nipple
12:51
on one side and one on the other side.
12:52
I would be like two different skin tones.
12:54
Different colors.
12:55
Yeah, different colors.
12:56
One with a humongous areola
12:57
and then another one with just...
13:00
A tiny one, like a David Bowie eye
13:02
that's like nipples.
13:03
Yeah.
13:04
Oh, and then you have like a third eye.
13:07
You have like one at your sternum.
13:09
It's my third nipple eye.
13:10
Yeah, third nipple.
13:11
Yeah, you can put it on your head,
13:13
your face for like your third eye.
13:15
And then just,
13:16
and then gaslight people
13:19
and just like be like,
13:20
they keep looking at it and like,
13:22
what are you looking at?
13:23
My eyes are slightly further down here.
13:26
You know what else we could do?
13:27
We could come out with udders
13:29
that people could put on as a joke.
13:32
Like at the beach? How funny would that be?
13:34
Just lean back.
13:35
You've got a bunch of teats.
13:37
Would they be functioning? Could you milk something out of them?
13:40
You could put something in it, yeah.
13:40
That'd be so funny.
13:42
That would be funny.
13:43
We're doing that.
13:43
Okay.
13:45
Okay, that sounds good.
13:50
What else would we want to do?
13:54
Ears.
13:55
Yeah.
13:56
Ears, good, good.
13:58
Nose.
13:58
Yeah, definitely.
13:59
Multiple kinds of noses.
14:01
Unibrows.
14:02
Oh, yeah.
14:03
Oh, yeah.
14:05
Oh, absolutely.
14:06
You could even do a different mouth with a hole in it,
14:09
so you could still open and talk.
14:12
How would that, we just have,
14:14
they'd just be really good prosthetics.
14:15
Well, I was thinking like it's a pair of lips,
14:17
so then you just put over your current lips,
14:19
and it's different lips.
14:21
We're now differently lipped.
14:29
What else?
14:31
Like a hand you could attach to your back.
14:35
Wings?
14:37
A tiny little tail.
14:40
Like a pigtail?
14:41
Are you picturing a pigtail?
14:43
No, I wasn't.
14:44
I am now.
14:45
Like a curly Q one?
14:46
Yeah, a little curly Q tail.
14:47
detachable, durable nails
14:51
so that you could pretend that you were like
14:52
the Guinness Book of World Records longest nail person
14:55
that year or something
14:56
I heard that guy was a dick
14:58
that he got
15:01
he was real high and mighty
15:03
about being a Guinness
15:05
guy
15:06
for that?
15:08
I know
15:08
okay but the people who care were probably really impressed
15:11
I would so
15:13
so walk around with scissors
15:15
and just like
15:16
snip them.
15:18
Now you're no one again.
15:19
You're useless.
15:21
Can we do anything with organs?
15:25
Like a spare liver?
15:27
Like that you attach to the outside?
15:28
Or maybe a thyroid?
15:32
An outside thyroid?
15:33
Yeah, an outside thyroid.
15:38
Maybe.
15:40
Cool.
15:41
Maybe we could.
15:43
we've already done wigs
15:47
I know but we might as well
15:49
we want to have a whole costume box
15:50
we should have wigs for famous hairstyles
15:53
from TV shows and movies
15:55
yes
15:56
first one that I'm thinking of is
16:00
the Rachel
16:01
anyway
16:04
what other famous hairstyles are there
16:10
Tina Turner
16:10
she had.
16:12
Yeah.
16:13
I was thinking Marge Simpson.
16:16
Oh, yeah.
16:17
Yeah, they might already have that, though.
16:19
But we can have a version.
16:21
Our own seboidman wig.
16:22
The dolly.
16:23
Like a beehive kind of Motown.
16:28
Country, whatever.
16:29
We could do the Danny DeVito Just bald The cul Yeah Bald with the rings That called the Friar Tuck It comes with cars parked
16:39
No, the Friar Tuck goes all the way around.
16:41
It's just the top.
16:43
It comes with cars parked.
16:46
Yeah.
16:47
How cute would that be?
16:48
Little cars on the...
16:50
Yeah.
16:50
Yeah.
16:51
I'd like that.
16:52
Yeah.
16:54
And all sorts of bedazzled Bojanglin things.
16:57
Like we could have little cliffhangers, you know, like a little Sylvester Stallone hanging
17:01
from your arm.
17:03
Yeah.
17:04
Yeah.
17:05
Yeah.
17:05
Oh, that should be an earring.
17:06
Is that an earring?
17:08
That's a good idea.
17:10
Cliffhanger earring.
17:10
Yeah.
17:11
Yeah.
17:11
That's good.
17:13
Yeah.
17:14
This is great, isn't it?
17:15
I feel like we should check Etsy.
17:17
I bet you that's it.
17:18
Someone has to have done it.
17:20
Yeah.
17:20
Yeah.
17:21
Are there any other like famous, like reaching someone falling?
17:25
that would be like
17:28
Vertical Horizon
17:29
People Fell
17:31
I'm not familiar
17:33
I don't know if it holds up like visually
17:35
but I liked it
17:36
I don't remember that one
17:38
who's in it
17:40
Chris O'Donnell
17:42
oh the very memorable Chris O'Donnell
17:45
that's why
17:46
Robin is it Tunny?
17:48
Tunny?
17:48
From The Craft?
17:51
Is it Robin?
17:52
Am I right?
17:53
Do I know this woman?
17:54
oh you mean for rusa bulk yeah no i don't shut up no no i don't
18:04
dad um
18:08
i can't picture anyone else of note okay pretty pretty stacked cast am i right
18:16
Wait, was she in Empire Records?
18:24
Was she the one that shaves her head in that?
18:27
I don't know.
18:29
Then she goes on to be in The Mentalist.
18:31
Yes, I was trying to think of The Mentalist.
18:34
I actually like that show.
18:35
I used to watch it with my dad.
18:35
I have never seen it.
18:37
It's fun.
18:40
Look at the conversation this invention spawned.
18:43
I know.
18:44
It's us trying to remember things.
18:46
The real invention was the conversations we had along the way.
18:49
Yeah.
18:50
What about a cheek that goes on your cheek that turns?
18:53
So if someone annoys you, you could turn it.
18:56
To like frown?
18:57
So you're manually frowning?
18:59
Yeah, we're turning our cheeks.
19:00
That would be like a real passive-aggressive move
19:02
to just like be mid-conversation with someone
19:04
and just like be like, no.
19:06
Isn't that, but doesn't turn the other cheek
19:08
mean to like overcome your annoyance
19:11
or your negative feelings towards someone?
19:13
It just means don't hit them back.
19:16
Oh.
19:16
maybe. It means let them hit you twice
19:18
I mean
19:19
like Jesus. Hey you just turn this
19:22
cheek turn the other one partner
19:24
but if Jesus was just a little OCD
19:26
and he needed to be evened out
19:28
it wasn't a real lesson
19:30
about anything. Come back I need you to hit me again
19:32
no it's going to feel weird on one side of my face
19:34
all day. And as
19:36
Jesus said make sure all of the
19:38
windows and doors are closed before you leave the house
19:40
and all of the clocks are turned off
19:42
the darkness will find you. And make sure you stand in the middle of your rug
19:45
or the house will catch fire
19:46
yeah I love having our own line of costume me things I don't know why you thought I'd hate this
19:55
I do I do hate the skin tags and the warts I don't understand why anyone would do that
19:59
for the plot the plot yeah you know I knew someone with a very very large
20:07
almost center of forehead wart and I say very large I mean very large get rid of that shit
20:14
And I knew him, this is my dad's friend, I knew him for like
20:16
the whole time I was
20:18
alive, I don't know
20:20
I don't know, anyway
20:22
I never understood, I'm like
20:24
is that
20:26
are there warts that
20:28
could kill you if you remove them?
20:31
Like what? Why wouldn't you immediately
20:32
get, there's, there are wart removers
20:35
there are doctors that will remove
20:36
Especially if you're rich
20:37
Yeah, I, maybe
20:40
maybe it did something, maybe he pressed it
20:42
it. It's like a button of some kind.
20:45
Was he like
20:46
a Mormon or anything?
20:49
Was it for religious
20:50
regions or something?
20:52
That he wouldn't remove it
20:54
or wouldn't want it medical or surgical?
20:57
No, he wasn't.
20:58
He wasn't.
20:59
He just liked his wart.
21:02
That's so weird.
21:03
He hated God and he liked his wart.
21:05
You can't not look is my thing.
21:07
Especially when I'm talking
21:09
probably
21:10
like this big.
21:12
That's huge.
21:14
Did it like protrude? Yes.
21:17
Oh, gross. Tell me
21:18
when to stop.
21:20
We don't have that much time.
21:24
Yeah, warts are removable.
21:26
I don't know why. Have you ever had a wart?
21:28
No, have you? One time
21:30
on my finger. This was like years and years
21:32
ago. Same. And mine I think
21:34
was from like it was
21:36
like just too much sweat. Like sweat had pulled
21:38
too much and it just ended up growing
21:40
into a wart or something, but it was also on my finger.
21:43
Don't you wish it had been a prosthetic that you could remove?
21:46
Well, yes, because I immediately got whatever,
21:50
went to the pharmacy, and two days later that shit was gone.
21:55
But it was like, yeah, why would anyone
21:58
want to deal with that?
22:02
Well, you can just buy the parts.
22:05
I don't know why that was my reaction.
22:07
You can just get the parts that resonate with you,
22:09
and the important thing is that we have things available for other people
22:12
because you never know what people like
22:13
okay
22:14
alright well
22:16
we already have one potential name
22:19
not Pulse
22:21
what else are we calling our costume box
22:23
I really like yours the first thing I thought of was
22:25
Beyond Breasts
22:26
Beyond Breasts
22:31
yeah
22:32
okay
22:35
Autobody
22:37
auto body
22:39
you can automatically change how your body looks
22:42
that's interesting
22:43
girl look at that fake body
22:48
can you do something with mole
22:52
I guess the answer is no
23:00
what are you up to
23:04
skin tag you're it
23:09
musical skin tags
23:13
try it
23:15
what are you up to
23:21
one skin tag's fine
23:25
many are not it's not fine
23:27
there are some people that have like
23:30
yeah like a garden of them
23:31
Is that like a pride of flying?
23:34
Yes.
23:35
It's the collective name for skin tags, yes.
23:39
I like that.
23:40
Gross, I don't want to think about it anymore.
23:42
I thought it was a parliament of skin tags.
23:44
A murder.
23:47
Because Jenna wants to murder them.
23:49
Yeah.
23:51
Great.
23:53
Well, I think this is a fun little idea.
23:57
Thank you.
23:59
Me, Mr. Potato Head.
24:01
Because it's like you're doing a Mr. Potato Head,
24:04
but you're doing it to yourself.
24:05
Yeah.
24:06
Let's get a little pin action on that one.
24:08
Meester Potato Head.
24:10
Meester, meester.
24:11
This was not a serious suggestion.
24:14
Meester, meester, get me out of here.
24:18
I think I just killed that meester, meester lady.
24:23
All right.
24:24
Well, I think people are going to have a good old time with this.
24:26
I think summer's coming up.
24:28
um i think we're gonna see a lot of nipples that fake nipples at the beach yeah i'm excited to
24:38
design these nipples what about testicles yeah you can add those too oh you know i was thinking too
24:44
we could make our fake nipples glow in a black light so if someone's like you're getting arrested
24:49
you could just pull out you don't want to pull them off and be like look yeah then you'll then
24:54
it's like you've entrapped yourself.
24:58
You're real clumsy today.
25:00
Ooh, me?
25:01
What?
25:02
What if we had like a little bit of dental floss
25:04
connecting the two fake nipples
25:06
so that you could be like,
25:07
it's a string bikini.
25:08
Yeah.
25:09
I mean,
25:10
have you seen some of the things
25:12
that ladies wear these days?
25:14
Oh my goodness.
25:15
The youth of today,
25:16
we're talking to you.
25:19
Look, we know you're sizzlers,
25:21
but cover it up.
25:22
A little mystery is good.
25:24
Sizzle in secret.
25:25
Oh, secret sizzlers.
25:28
Secret sizzlers.
25:33
We have good sizzling sounds.
25:35
We do.
25:38
All right, well, this is going to sweep the nation.
25:42
No one's going to look like themselves anymore.
25:44
They're going to look like fun versions of themselves.
25:47
Can we do contacts that are like the eyes on springs
25:52
that come out of glasses?
25:54
But they're contacts.
25:56
And we hope they go back in.
25:58
Yep.
25:59
Kind of.
26:00
Oh, well, okay.
26:01
Well, look for it at veryfinefriends.com.
26:04
It's there for sure.
26:05
Oh, yeah.
26:06
It's a fun gift.
26:09
It's a fun thing just to have around.
26:11
Don't wait for Halloween.
26:13
No, we won't have any.
26:14
No.
26:15
You got to act now.
26:18
And it's good for other things.
26:19
Valentine's Day, MLK Day, Kwanzaa, Arbor Day, Armistice Day.
26:24
Yeah.
26:24
Boxing day,
26:25
Canada.
26:25
All of those days.
26:27
Joe's birthday.
26:28
My birthday.
26:29
Joe's birthday.
26:31
Yeah.
26:31
We're going to guess who's getting fake nipples for his birthday.
26:35
I'm putting them on your back.
26:37
Oh,
26:38
Oh,
26:39
well,
26:41
cool.
26:42
All right.
26:43
Well,
26:43
that wraps up the invention of the week.
26:48
That was a huge success.
26:50
Yeah.
26:50
Resounding.
26:51
Yeah.
26:52
I don't know why you thought I'd hate that.
26:53
Again, except for the skin tags.
26:56
10 out of 10.
26:58
No notes.
27:00
Yep.
27:00
Cool.
27:01
It's time for our next segment.
27:06
What is it?
27:07
Miss Sun Impossible.
27:10
Oh.
27:10
Oh.
27:23
what's that entail well in this segment uh one of us has missed the birth of our son me
27:37
uh due to drinking being out of our drinking but we have to convince
27:44
our wife that we were doing something else much more noble hey you know it's
27:53
2026. It could be a wife convincing
27:55
the father. Why she
27:57
missed the birth of the son?
27:59
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, come on, Jenna.
28:01
God damn it.
28:03
All right.
28:06
What do you think?
28:07
You up to be in the wife?
28:09
No, I want to be the father.
28:10
You want to be the father? Yeah.
28:12
I could be the wife. I'll be your wife.
28:14
Okay.
28:20
Hey. Oh, hey.
28:22
Hey, oh, little guy.
28:25
There's a new, there's a little guy here.
28:29
Hey, it's your son.
28:31
Where have you been, Daryl?
28:33
Oh, I said I got to, I would have been here.
28:38
I wanted to be here so badly.
28:40
I did.
28:41
I really did.
28:42
Something came up.
28:44
You'll never believe it.
28:45
Were you drinking again, Daryl?
28:47
No, I was not drinking.
28:48
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
28:51
No.
28:51
Okay.
28:52
you know that that alley next to the hospital the drinking alley no no then the other one the one
29:04
okay yeah vaguely i can picture it okay yeah anyway i was i was walking by that alley
29:12
and I heard a bunch of, a bunch of sounds. They were like meowing sounds, but like, it was like
29:26
the cats, it was like cats, but these cats were not sad. Really? There was, I, I knew it was like
29:35
they, it was like they needed help, but like not in a like kind of way. It was like a kind of a
29:42
way. I had to check it out. I had to check it out. Cause what if these cats needed me?
29:46
It turns out they did. So deep in this alley, I go, I'm like, I am going to like, hello,
29:52
hello. Anyone back here? I just keep hearing this sound. And in the back of the alley,
30:00
there's this green ooze on the ground. It's like a weird, like primordial ooze all over the ground.
30:09
these cats are sitting in it and it's like oh oh and they're covered in this ooze and so i'm
30:16
sitting there and i'm like i gotta get these cats clean so i i pick up the cats and i'm starting
30:22
because i mean this looks like it's dangerous it looks like this is gonna like eat their skin off
30:27
right next to the hospital i was so close because i was on my way for you baby oh and little baby
30:32
what's his name is daryl jr right we haven't got that far yet i wasn't sure what happened to you
30:38
Okay, well, you're going to really want to name him after me
30:40
once you hear the rest of the story.
30:44
Okay, so the cats, they, like, I'm holding it,
30:52
and all of a sudden, they start growing.
30:54
They start growing, like.
30:56
Daryl, stop.
30:57
No, no, no, no, this is serious.
30:58
Daryl, I'm birthed and tired.
31:00
I know, this will wake you right up.
31:02
I'm like a wind tunnel over here, no.
31:04
We'll talk about getting you back to
31:07
Back to pre-baby days
31:09
In a minute
31:10
This is
31:11
I had to tell you
31:12
Because I would
31:13
I would never
31:14
Never miss
31:16
The birth
31:18
Of our son
31:19
Unless I had a really good reason
31:21
And your reason is
31:22
Hang on
31:23
Cats were growing
31:24
No
31:24
No
31:25
Not just growing like in little increments
31:27
Like going from cats to kids
31:28
Like going
31:29
Growing like
31:30
Huge
31:31
Like
31:32
Like
31:33
all of a sudden I had to immediately drop them.
31:35
All of a sudden these cats were the size of me.
31:40
They were humongous and they were standing on their hinders.
31:45
Can I smell your breath, Daryl?
31:48
It's going to smell like ooze.
31:50
Just telling you that right now.
31:52
I accidentally licked a little of the ooze.
31:54
By any chance does this smell like alcohol?
31:57
It does.
31:58
The ooze has a whiskey smell to it.
32:00
Yes, it does.
32:03
okay go on
32:04
anyway
32:05
humongous cat the size of you
32:08
yes and then
32:09
all of a sudden
32:11
out of
32:13
the shadows
32:15
comes a humongous
32:18
gerbil in raggedy clothes
32:20
what the fuck is this Daryl
32:22
no I'm serious
32:29
this is crazy and I was like
32:30
what is going on
32:31
this gerbil in raggedy clothes
32:34
and the gerbil in raggedy clothes says
32:36
they
32:38
shall be
32:39
fighters
32:41
I know right crazy
32:44
Daryl you're ripping off Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
32:47
no this is real this really happened
32:49
this happened
32:50
with cats
32:51
and a gerbil
32:53
yes I'm sorry
32:58
I was surprised as you
32:59
I saw that glowing green ooze and I was like what Did you get a picture No I didn get a picture that the thing about the ooze is it it like it has like a vampire effect where it like it doesn show you know how like they like they
33:16
can't see each other or they can't see themselves in mirrors gerbils and fucking vampires no no
33:21
there are no no that would be crazy no there weren't vampires i'm just saying it's like how
33:29
vampires can't see themselves in the mirror and yeah in the same way i don't see you in this
33:37
child's future if you want to drink just drink just say that i do it hey great i'll have a drink
33:43
no you can't you just said have a drink i'm pregnant less yes you're pregnant less i'm
33:51
had a long day i don't know if you noticed your baby's 15 pounds yeah good job with that down here
33:58
Yeah, I know. I could hear like a whistling noise from the wind going by.
34:03
Yeah, it's freaking me out.
34:05
And you're not making me feel any better.
34:08
What did you just say?
34:09
It's resonating. It's a windy sound.
34:17
Uh-huh.
34:20
Anyway, so, but then, so these, I had to help the gerbil train these cats
34:27
how to be fighters.
34:31
And then...
34:31
How'd you do that, Daryl?
34:32
Because the city needs them.
34:35
The city needs these cats.
34:39
The gerbil was adamant.
34:41
He goes, I cannot do it alone.
34:43
I was like, I will help you.
34:45
I will help you.
34:46
So you know what?
34:46
You're welcome.
34:47
Because someday when Daryl Jr. is...
34:51
No, I'm not naming him that.
34:52
I changed my mind.
34:53
No, it's too late.
34:54
We've already decided it's Daryl Jr.
34:55
Nope, it's Gerbil McKittyvamp.
34:59
Well, that's great.
35:01
That's a moving tribute,
35:04
because today will always be known as Gerbil McKitty Tramp Day,
35:10
because the mayor is going to give me a key to the city.
35:15
Let me just ask you something.
35:15
Give me the key to the city.
35:16
Didn't strike you at all as odd
35:18
that the cats were going to be trained by cat food, basically?
35:23
No, it didn't.
35:27
Because if you had met these cats and this giant gerbil in his raggedy clothes and his cane,
35:33
you would understand.
35:36
You would understand that they're working together.
35:41
The idea of food doesn't even enter into their minds.
35:44
They only like calzones.
35:47
They're freaks for calzones.
35:51
They just love them.
35:53
morning noon and night let me guess they each have a unique weapon yes oh my god they do you
36:00
went across the street to that saloon didn't they all have different you went to the saloon no no
36:04
yes no you've been talking about it ever since i picked this hospital i was no i was training a
36:10
bunch of uh larger than life cats how to be fighters and how to use their different guns
36:16
and you weren't at the saloon having quarter long necks talking to saloon people no no i don't
36:23
even know what that means saloon people you weren't there saloon you know the vendors the
36:29
proprietor the oh i oh no no you said it like it was a derogatory thing it is because every time
36:38
you go to one of those places you make our marriage weak i i will then our marriage must
36:48
be super strong because i didn't go to one of those places so okay then i'll call the proprietor
36:53
right now great uh call him and he'll tell you i wasn't there okay and then hopefully it's ringing
37:01
he's not being mugged because if he is well i hope he is being mugged because if he is then
37:07
those cats will come save him and then you'll know for sure okay take a breather daryl phone's ringing
37:12
um hello is this saloon
37:18
yep i'm looking i just had a quick question i'm sorry about the whistling
37:24
um my husband daryl he has a tattoo that says daryl on his forehead was he in your saloon
37:32
i've never no i think i'll remember that you never seen a daryl did you see someone with um
37:38
gauze over their forehead?
37:42
No.
37:43
No, I don't think so.
37:45
What is it?
37:48
Wait, don't.
37:48
I'm on the phone.
37:49
Don't mug me.
37:50
Hey, what's happening?
37:51
I'm being mugged.
37:52
What?
37:52
You're breaking up.
37:53
I'm being mugged.
37:54
Gotta go.
37:54
Oh.
38:00
These giant fighting cats just saved me from being mugged.
38:06
Uh-huh.
38:08
Goodbye.
38:08
Hey, knock, knock.
38:11
Hey, new mom.
38:12
Hey, new dad.
38:13
Don't call him that.
38:14
I'm sorry to interrupt.
38:16
I have a message for you, Dad.
38:20
The mayor just called, and he wants to know what time you'll be arriving
38:23
for the key to the city ceremony tomorrow.
38:24
Thank you.
38:25
Yes.
38:26
I will.
38:28
You can let him know.
38:30
I should be there.
38:31
Well, honey, what time?
38:33
I don't want to leave you again.
38:36
Guys, I'm not a receptionist.
38:37
I'm a nurse.
38:38
I'm so sorry.
38:38
I'm so sorry.
38:39
How about, we'll say noon.
38:41
Okay.
38:42
Noon.
38:43
And tell them to hold off on the parade till.
38:46
Yeah, I've already left.
38:49
Daryl, I don't know what to say.
38:51
I'm saying nothing, honey.
38:55
You're glowing.
38:56
Did you hire that woman?
38:57
Did you pay that woman?
38:58
No.
38:59
Did you spoof the saloon phone number from my phone?
39:03
No.
39:04
I know you love the drink, Daryl.
39:05
I, hey, I, those things are too unrelated.
39:10
They're unrelated.
39:12
I can love a good glass of whiskey every now and again.
39:17
I could love paying less than a dollar for a long neck.
39:22
Sure.
39:24
But.
39:25
I'm too tired.
39:26
I'm too tired to fight.
39:28
I'm a mom.
39:28
I'm a mother.
39:29
And I'm a dad.
39:30
A dad who's real reliable and who.
39:35
who trains giant cats to fight crime.
39:38
Yep, that's right.
39:39
And the city-
39:40
With Italian food.
39:41
That's right.
39:42
Well, they love calzones.
39:43
No, they don't fight the crime with the calzones.
39:46
You know what I meant.
39:47
No, that's just their fuel.
39:48
That's-
39:49
Let's not be these people.
39:51
Ugh.
39:52
We wanted this baby for so long.
39:55
Oh.
39:56
I still do.
39:57
I know.
39:57
Oh, look at him.
40:00
Oh.
40:00
He's got my tattoo.
40:01
Whoa, he's-
40:02
That little Daryl Jr.
40:03
He's growing, too, at the same time.
40:05
Oh my God.
40:07
It's growing really fast.
40:08
Oh, Daryl.
40:09
Oh no.
40:10
Oh my God.
40:10
He's humongous.
40:12
Oh yeah, guys.
40:12
Sorry.
40:13
Me again.
40:13
I forgot to mention that there was a local ooze outbreak and some of it got into the pipes
40:18
here at the hospital.
40:20
Sorry if your child's been infected.
40:22
Infected?
40:25
Daryl.
40:26
Honey, I don't think of this.
40:27
Hey, I've seen what this ooze can do.
40:30
I don't think this is an infection.
40:31
I think this is a blessing.
40:32
Getting the cat's help.
40:35
they owe me one
40:39
I'll give them a call
40:41
that's a totally plausible story
40:45
I can see why
40:46
cats do fight
40:49
yeah they do
40:50
and quite well can you imagine a large cat with a gun
40:54
I'm doing it right now
40:55
he's enjoying holding it
40:57
yeah
40:58
when you said that they all have different
41:01
weapons you say yeah
41:03
they all have different kinds of guns
41:05
Yeah.
41:09
One's got a little ankle.
41:10
Nine gauge.
41:12
One's got a little ankle.
41:13
A little ankle.
41:14
A little pea shooter.
41:17
One's got one of those old timey
41:20
revolutionary war guns.
41:22
I was picturing one of the old western guns
41:24
where you use your hand to like.
41:26
Oh yeah, yeah.
41:28
Six shooter.
41:30
Yeah, maybe.
41:31
I don't know.
41:31
One has a glue gun.
41:34
he's the jokester hot glue gun yeah like he says i'm hot and this is my glue gun
41:39
yeah yeah oh and one of them just has two arms yeah
41:46
guns yeah you know that um wraps up miss son impossible
41:54
yeah
42:04
I hate myself for making this joke.
42:14
I don't know if I hate myself for it.
42:15
I don't care for myself for making this joke.
42:19
But every day when I go to the gym,
42:21
I see outside of the gym,
42:26
there's a thing that says,
42:28
Lifetime bans guns on this premises.
42:31
Oh yeah, I just saw that.
42:32
And then I think,
42:32
guns my guns aren't allowed in ever since everybody i'm sure every single person that
42:39
goes in that gym thing no i'll tell you what i think every time i see that i always think
42:42
lifetime bands guans on this because my loyalties to the pod jenna no my loyalties to my arms
42:52
when i saw it i thought what mama don't know won't hurt her
42:55
they've never
42:58
frisked
42:59
they don't know
43:00
much to my chagrin by the way
43:03
but it's a story for another time
43:05
well obviously they need to respect
43:07
that there are different styles of working out
43:09
and some workouts involve holding a gun in one hand
43:11
while you lift weights with the other
43:12
yeah
43:13
one to the head
43:16
that's how I go up and wait
43:20
it's the only motivation that works for me
43:22
I threaten myself into keeping going
43:24
I'll blow your brains out, motherfucker
43:26
Keep going, 10 more
43:27
In the mirror
43:28
Yeah
43:30
Alright, it's time for one final segment
43:38
The big question
43:42
The question is very big
43:45
Like the cats
43:48
Yep, exactly, very big like the cats
43:50
um all right i have a big question for you oh my god yeah tell me it okay
44:03
you have to you have a second family how do you get away with this
44:13
how do you get away with having a second family in today's economy
44:18
yep gonna have to choose my favorites and kill the other ones um okay so i have two families
44:25
um let's just assume i could this is feasible for me to do financially okay yeah i have two families
44:32
yep and i need to quote unquote get away with it yeah get away with having a second family
44:37
how do you where do you how do you have that second family
44:40
um presumably the second family doesn't know they're the second family no everyone thinks
44:46
they're the chosen ones yep don't we all okay here's the plan okay i find
44:53
another cheater i find three to four cheaters okay we get together
45:00
um here's the plan
45:07
go on here's here's what we're all gonna do now i was trying to think of a term for like a like a
45:13
flock of cheaters what it would be called so but it was all happening in my head oh um
45:18
a skin tag of cheaters
45:22
a burner phone of cheaters okay that's gonna make sense in a second okay and i tell them my plan i
45:31
say here's my plan my plan is you're gonna start a company okay it's a charity volunteer type
45:39
company i'm going to work at your charity yeah you're a humanitarian i'm a humanitarian i'm
45:47
gonna do the same for them like we all are organizing our own llc's so basically if i'm
45:53
ever questioned and they look at the company they see these people that i've who knows who these
45:57
people are okay this seems legit they look it up and it's like that's you marcus what are you doing
46:03
it's not gonna happen because the other people own the company i work for the company so as you
46:09
know i have a very high stress high paying job but it's very important to me and my morals
46:14
that i donate some of my time so no matter how busy you are you have to volunteer
46:19
i've got to donate my time yes again you're a humanitarian yeah i'm telling this lie to both
46:24
families so my volunteering is to help shy men who don't like women so no women can be around
46:32
yeah because they're like i want to come you inspire me and be like oh i love you babe but
46:37
this guy saw a woman. I don't know what he'd do.
46:40
We're not at that stage yet.
46:41
Yeah. We're working on it.
46:44
So
46:44
that's how I explain my big gaps
46:47
in time away from family.
46:50
Okay. You know, so I can go back
46:51
and forth. Now it makes perfect sense
46:53
why I'm tired.
46:56
Why I can't have sex as much.
46:58
Okay.
47:01
I just
47:02
don't have anything left to give.
47:04
Yeah. I think this is
47:05
actually a very simple beautiful plan i already had sex with all my clients
47:10
um what if your wife wants to see the results of your good work the people who own the company
47:23
who she doesn't know will will they'll play the part oh easy uh the the company has has like a
47:33
non-disclosure agreement for all these men because they don't,
47:36
they don't want people to find out that the men are in these programs because
47:39
then they might get judged for it.
47:41
That's very true.
47:42
Very true.
47:44
Anyway.
47:45
Yeah.
47:45
So you can't,
47:46
I'm sorry,
47:47
but I want you to know it enriches my life.
47:49
It makes me feel really good.
47:50
And I appreciate having a wife that supports me in my,
47:54
I know you want to see me more.
47:56
I want to see you more too,
47:58
but I can't,
47:59
you know?
48:00
um well presumably these other guys will want men they're boys
48:09
um maybe uh presumably they'll want you to help them with their schemes won't
48:16
to also get away with their cheating um wouldn't wouldn't you um
48:24
have like wouldn't that take up a lot of time
48:28
it would take up some, but we rotate.
48:35
We're not all on the clock all the time.
48:37
You know?
48:38
It's like I can't.
48:39
Okay, so then your second one.
48:41
So how much time are you spending with your second family?
48:46
The trick is to find a spouse
48:49
that has low expectations.
48:52
You know?
48:54
So I start there.
48:55
she helps me help myself by not being too demanding then she asks a question like i'm
49:03
really we want to know where you are i could just be like
49:05
beth i told you about my life oh my god i'm trying to be there for you but man made me
49:18
don't cry i'm going men don't cry don't cry i'm going to my charity work
49:24
so both sides think you're doing charity work
49:27
you're doing the same excuse both ends
49:29
yeah if it's not broke don't fix it
49:31
okay
49:31
this is a good strategy but this only works if you
49:33
are allocating exactly 50 of your time and resources to each family I keep a spreadsheet Yeah Nothing sexier than a spreadsheet Hey I don need to be sexy
49:48
I've got two wives.
49:49
Sexy's taken care of.
49:51
Sounds like nagging's taken care of.
49:53
Am I right?
49:56
Sugar crush.
50:00
Oh, yeah.
50:03
We're making the noise with our mouths
50:05
when we have it right there.
50:07
You know, it would be probably more fun
50:09
to do like the standard,
50:11
oh, I work for the government thing.
50:13
You know, like on CIA.
50:15
Yeah, it's played.
50:17
You think?
50:17
Yeah.
50:19
Yeah, see, so my plan is more unique.
50:24
It's new, it's fresh.
50:25
It's fresh.
50:27
Yeah.
50:29
My plan has fake nipples.
50:33
What does your plan have?
50:35
okay all right i think that would work i have a plan too i think i want to hear it i want to hear
50:43
your plan okay i get a job at ikea i keep my fake family stashed away in the fake rooms at ikea
50:58
they live there think they live there they live there they do live there they know it's ikea
51:03
They know it's Ikea. They know, but they think it's like a fun, like little thing. It's like,
51:07
you're, you're part of the selling of Ikea. Like, look, they work there.
51:13
Well, no, no, they don't. Ikea corporate does not know that they're there.
51:17
They think that they're getting to Basil E. Frankweiler Ikea every night.
51:21
Yes, exactly. Exactly. So I'm at work all day. My family's already there. One of them. Oh,
51:29
look, one of them's in the area with the bunk bed. So look, my look at, look at those two little
51:34
there. They're in the bunk bed area. Wait, are both of your families in Ikea? No. Oh, no.
51:42
One of my, no, one of my families is just at a regular house doing regular house things. Um,
51:48
let's call that my first family. Second family is always a little weirder than the first one,
51:53
I think.
51:55
You know, traditionally.
51:57
In your experience.
51:58
In my experience.
51:59
Every second family that I've met.
52:00
Every second family can be tricked into thinking
52:03
it's okay to live in an Ikea.
52:04
Yes, exactly.
52:05
Right.
52:05
Because the number of times you hear about a second family
52:08
that's like, they're the attic family.
52:10
They just lived in the attic the whole time.
52:12
Yeah.
52:13
And they didn't care about not coming down.
52:16
You never know what second family your first family
52:18
saved you from.
52:19
Exactly.
52:19
Wise, wise words from the owl in the corner.
52:21
I know.
52:22
it's just flowing out of me in my old age
52:25
so yeah so
52:27
the other family lives at the Ikea
52:29
which would actually kind of be fun
52:31
I don't know it would be a little fun
52:33
so then like you know
52:34
they'd be like
52:35
my wife would be like you know homeschooling them
52:39
in like the little living room area
52:40
and it would like look cute
52:42
then like shoppers would go
52:44
it would help Ikea's sales
52:45
I would be like the best manager
52:47
if Ikea is your word I'm going to be so pissed
52:50
okay go on
52:51
Okay. So, uh, yeah. So then I'm, um, they're selling all this furniture cause it's like,
53:01
Oh, look what a nice, happy family. And I can't, so like people that are shopping and walking
53:05
through all the different fake rooms, they think that, um, like, Oh, like, look, it's just cute.
53:12
Like now we get an example of what this is like in real life. But then, uh, so I'm with them all
53:18
day so i get to spend like eight hours with my family so you're giving them the illusion that
53:23
that i'm around them all the time and then um but they think that this is just their house
53:29
and then so then at night i i have i have my i gotta go to work so sorry i gotta go to work i
53:36
can't stay with you and our family i gotta take off my name tag and my button down collared shirt
53:41
and go to work yep that's right i know i did you address that people are walking around all the
53:47
time? Yeah. They just like the people think that they're like actors or like models for the
53:51
furniture. Yeah. Or just like, you know, like there are so many people at Ikea. Like how many
53:56
times have you just walked through like the living room area and there's just someone sitting on the
54:00
couch just homeschooling their child. What does your second family think of all the people walking
54:05
around no they know what an ikea is sorry they just think that we have this program where they
54:19
live there i could say it's like a housing thing that they get like we get like free housing in
54:25
exchange for hiding at night when the lights go off well i'm the gm of this ikea and by the way
54:33
we're doing boffo sales because people love selling a love seeing a happy family living in
54:43
this environment so it's selling lots of product what did you say we're doing what sales boffo
54:48
yeah okay um yeah and so like everyone's happy ikea corporate's not gonna question anything
54:58
that's going on in my store you're the gm your second family's stupid yep you've laid the tracks
55:04
perfectly okay uh-huh and then my first family i go home they know i work at an ikea and i'm like
55:10
you you cannot come in like we're not going to ikea you can't go i i if i see another swedish
55:17
thing in my life it's like i need everything to be anti-ikea so i just have ikea fatigue so
55:23
they'll never go into ikea um and yeah so that's how they stay away from it then they'll never know
55:31
the two families completely separated so family two never gets to see you on the weekends
55:35
um well no sometimes they do because then okay like every now and again uh you know i'll schedule
55:44
like a trip with the boys or something and then i'll just go have a weekend hey you'd be like
55:50
the end of the quarter's coming up.
55:52
I got to go in on Saturday and do the books.
55:55
Oh, inventory.
55:56
Woo, that's a bear.
56:00
I'm the GM.
56:01
I put in all the extra work.
56:03
So, yeah.
56:04
And then, you know,
56:05
occasionally I'll let my IKEA family leave IKEA.
56:09
Oh, you'll let them?
56:10
I'll let them.
56:10
And go to like a pottery barn.
56:13
It's our vacation home.
56:15
Yeah, it's our vacation home.
56:16
The pottery barn.
56:18
Yep.
56:19
Wow.
56:20
That sure is interesting.
56:22
Yeah, but it's an easy way.
56:24
Then I don't have to, like, I can have a job.
56:26
They're just there all the time.
56:28
And they wonder what you're, they know you work there?
56:32
Or are they just seeing you schmoozing all the time?
56:34
No, they don't know that I work there.
56:36
They think I'm just real helpful.
56:40
Or if they.
56:41
Because, I mean, we live there.
56:42
We know where everything is.
56:43
But you could lean into it.
56:44
You could be like, because presumably you'll have like a name tag and a uniform.
56:49
So you could lean into it and be like.
56:50
Well, the GM gets to wear kind of more street,
56:53
like they don't have to wear the shirts or whatever.
56:57
Yeah, that's true.
56:58
And then they'll just think like, they'll be like, wow, my dad's so impressive.
57:02
People like come to him asking how they do their jobs
57:06
because he knows so much about everything.
57:08
Or you could lean into it and just say, yeah,
57:11
how do you think I afford the IKEA program for us all to live here?
57:14
I got to work two jobs.
57:16
well i think part of my original sell was ikea gives us housing for free by being the family
57:24
mom through that yeah they're not that bright my second family what if i didn't try as hard
57:29
what if your first family wants to visit you like then you said don't i don't want you to go to ikea
57:34
but what if your kid wants to surprise you and then fuck that kid i don't know no no i i i will
57:42
make sure that my first family knows i have a pathological fear of being surprised and that it
57:51
is the fastest way to lose my love and that's rough all this if i tell them these triggers
57:59
ahead of time then it's like just i'll never forgive you you'll be and it's involuntary i
58:05
don't want to not never forgive you but it's going to happen you know you know be a good
58:08
layer to this if you pitched to your families um as you're getting to know them um that you have a
58:16
twin who lives in the city that you do not speak to um and it's very painful for you then if they
58:23
ever do see you out with the other family they'll assume it's the twin yeah and don't talk to him
58:28
because he's a bad guy yeah i just want nothing to do with him yeah he held me underwater for two
58:33
minutes when i was a kid yeah that's why i'm like this and then when to explain all your time and
58:38
way it's i i needed an emergency session with my therapist to get over that trauma from my twin
58:44
almost killing me i saw my twin again like i won't be home for a while wow yeah
58:50
anyway that's how i'd do it that's great thanks it's much better than mine i think it would be
58:57
i i actually think i think he has a pain to to deal with but if ikea like alone would be so much
59:06
fun. There weren't like throngs of people. Yeah.
59:10
I love furniture. Yeah. Like if you could just book an Ikea for a day
59:14
just for solo shopping. Yeah. Have your birthday party there.
59:18
Look under your chair. You get a Swedish meatball. You get a Swedish meatball.
59:21
But you're like putting the balloons together and nothing like is working.
59:25
Yeah. An Allen wrench with the balloons. I don't get it.
59:30
Anyway, that's how I do it. And yours is good too.
59:34
I think we're, thank God.
59:36
We both have second faith.
59:37
Thank God we're so deceitful.
59:38
I know.
59:38
It comes so easily to us.
59:42
Thanks, Jenna.
59:43
That was a lot of fun.
59:44
Yeah.
59:44
That wraps up the big question.
59:47
The big question.
59:48
One final bit of business, Francis.
59:52
You know what it is.
59:53
Oh, I sure do.
59:54
Secret words.
59:58
And this one was interesting.
59:59
This was.
1:00:00
I.
1:00:04
you want to go first
1:00:06
or you want me to
1:00:07
I don't think I have it
1:00:11
I might
1:00:12
there was one thing that made me think
1:00:14
maybe I did have it
1:00:14
alright
1:00:17
you go first
1:00:18
Swedish
1:00:22
no
1:00:23
shopping
1:00:25
nope
1:00:26
parody
1:00:29
nope
1:00:30
springs
1:00:32
no
1:00:33
is your decoy word resonating no okay that's interesting that leads to
1:00:44
okay never mind we'll come back to that raggedy no i really wanted the gerbil to have raggedy clothes
1:00:54
fatigue okay i have one last guess primordial
1:01:03
That is my word.
1:01:06
Yes.
1:01:06
God, I so hope that you wrote down ooze.
1:01:09
Well, I kept trying to bait you with ooze.
1:01:13
That's what made me think it was primordial.
1:01:15
Oh, crap.
1:01:18
I was hoping you were going to guess ooze as my decoy word.
1:01:21
Yeah.
1:01:22
Damn.
1:01:23
Yes.
1:01:24
I got the horn.
1:01:25
I got the horn.
1:01:27
I got Joe's horn.
1:01:28
Put it down.
1:01:30
I got the birthday horn.
1:01:30
And it's even better now that it's older.
1:01:33
Agree to disagree.
1:01:39
Oh, damn.
1:01:41
Damn.
1:01:42
I don't know how else I could have gotten primordial.
1:01:44
That's why I made that a whole Ninja Turtles situation.
1:01:48
Just to slip in primordial.
1:01:50
I've only heard primordial with ooze and pouch.
1:01:53
I've never heard pouch.
1:01:53
I've literally only ever heard it with ooze.
1:01:57
Primordial ooze.
1:01:58
Yeah.
1:01:59
Yeah.
1:02:00
From whence we all came.
1:02:01
Yeah.
1:02:01
The primordial ooze.
1:02:02
it's like, you know, every like living, you know, like little things crawled out of it
1:02:07
and whatever. Yeah. Uh, so it's like, I didn't know how else to do it. I'm happy with the
1:02:12
way things turned out. I know you are. All right. Well, that's going to be a letdown.
1:02:17
All right. Oh, my decoy word. What was it? Humanitarian, which I, I, I knew you didn't
1:02:25
clock it because you said it right afterwards and then you didn't go, Oh crap. I hope that
1:02:30
was your yeah i was yeah dang problem is i use that too well humanitarian i know you said it you
1:02:39
said it so casually and and in the perfect context yes it was i god damn it jenna idiot no remember
1:02:47
that time he spanked me i mean in the this game and in real life yeah yes but you were asking for
1:02:54
it so john did it because she's a humanitarian i'm also just seeing now that i wrote that i wrote
1:03:00
humanitarian down on the show card as
1:03:02
humanitarian.
1:03:04
Nice.
1:03:06
We'll be right back.
1:03:06
We need to deal with something important.
1:03:09
All right.
1:03:12
Is your word suburban?
1:03:15
No.
1:03:17
No.
1:03:18
Okay.
1:03:23
Utters?
1:03:25
I wish.
1:03:27
No.
1:03:29
Thyroid?
1:03:30
decoy word damn oh sugar crush what a terrible terrible turn of events oh no
1:03:40
oh wait but say the rest of your guesses though all right the fuck well that was doing over here
1:03:46
well no doing over here no no i'm going to say the rest of them because that was your decoy word
1:03:50
i guessed your decoy word your real word's still out there to be guessed that's true jenna can
1:03:54
recoup some points she can she can okay this is the one that i thought maybe i got it
1:03:59
resonant oh i think that's why i wrote down resonating because i thought you said that
1:04:05
twice but maybe i just said that first you said resonant first and then and then when you asked
1:04:10
me to repeat what i said i was like was he trying to see if i said his word yeah so no no damn
1:04:18
oh so you
1:04:20
no i didn't change it at all i just said resonating later resonant
1:04:26
is a different word,
1:04:28
but I had already written that down.
1:04:29
And so when Francis asked me to repeat what I said,
1:04:32
I said resonating again,
1:04:33
and I thought he was asking me to repeat it
1:04:35
because it was like,
1:04:38
he wanted to see if I said his word.
1:04:40
All right.
1:04:42
Saloon.
1:04:44
No.
1:04:48
Spoof.
1:04:50
I'm spoofy.
1:04:55
Cheaters.
1:04:56
no or cheater singular no i just i just say that i just do that i'm glad that i it wasn't
1:05:02
it because i did say that and then my only other guess is in riches damn those so funny to me that
1:05:10
you wrote down saloon yeah because francis's real word was literally right after that no what was it
1:05:19
proprietor oh so when you started writing i was like oh no she got it and then i was like oh wait
1:05:24
I thought she got it too.
1:05:26
I was like, I gotta say it again.
1:05:29
I gotta distance myself from this.
1:05:33
What a terrible, terrible turn of events.
1:05:37
No, it was good.
1:05:38
No, it was terrible.
1:05:40
You get me next time, Matt.
1:05:42
Will I?
1:05:43
You will. We're pretty close.
1:05:46
Right?
1:05:47
Close only counts in
1:05:49
horseshoes and handbags.
1:05:52
And when you're ready to
1:05:54
well all right good job francis thank you so much bye everybody