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The Hidden Habit That Kills Your Relationships (And Attracts Weak Men) · Mindful Success Path

• 0:32
  In a recent video, I talked about why high-achieving women tend to struggle in relationships and attract unavailable men like moth to a flame.
• 0:40
  And in this video, I'm gonna be talking about something that I mentioned in that video, which is the habit of over-functioning now, this is gonna be great for those of you who are just dating, um, and you don't want to start off a relationship on the wrong foot where you're the one who's constantly over-functioning because that repels good men and it attracts passive men you'll have to take care of for the rest of your life.
• 1:02
  And it's also good for women who are already married who perhaps feel like the dynamic in the relationship is off, right?
• 1:09
  So for example, they feel like they are the ones who are mothering him or he's become more passive or sexy time is gone, right?
• 1:17
  So if it's good for either of you, whether you are single or married, because over-functioning is a nasty habit that a lot of us women need to learn to let go of if we want to have healthy relationships, if we wanna make money more easily, if we want success more easily, and if we want, quite frankly, an easier life hi, my name is Amanda.
• 1:39
  Welcome to this channel where we talk about how to manifest what you want in life without all the extra stress, chaos, and drama that most people are accustomed to.
• 1:46
  If that's something that you're interested in, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a single video that we have coming out on this channel.
• 1:54
  I'm also doing quite a few livestreams lately, so make sure to subscribe because that's where I get to answer a lot of your questions live in the chat.
• 2:03
  And if you like this video, please go ahead and give it a thumbs up'cause it helps us get it in front of more women who are looking for this kind of content, because women all over the world are waking up and realizing that this whole over-functioning thing is not working out for them in life at all.
• 2:18
  And one final thing before I get into it.
• 2:20
  If you're new here or if you haven't done so already, make sure to take our free divine feminine archetypes quiz.
• 2:27
  I teach from a place of four different archetypes: the wounded maiden, the awakening warrior, the conscious queen, and the magnetic empress.
• 2:35
  So you'll hear me using these words a lot.
• 2:37
  It will be very helpful to you if you know which of these archetypes is most dominant in your life, and you can do that by taking our free quiz.
• 2:44
  It's just three minutes.
• 2:45
  You will get your result, and the result will tell you which archetype is most dominant for you and how it may be showing up in your relationships, in your career, in your relationship with yourself, and your life in general.
• 2:57
  So go to mindfulsuccesspath.com/quiz.
• 2:59
  So the first thing to note here is that over-delivering in a relationship does not always look obvious so when we think about over-delivering, we usually think of the pick me woman or what is called a pick me woman on the internet.
• 3:10
  So she's cooking, she's cleaning, she's doing all the household labor, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
• 3:16
  She's usually also putting up with a lot of crap as a pick me woman.
• 3:20
  That's usually what we think of.
• 3:21
  Um, and that's pretty easy to grasp, right?
• 3:24
  That's pretty easy to understand.
• 3:25
  But the reality is that it's not always very dramatic.
• 3:28
  Sometimes it's very subtle.
• 3:30
  Sometimes it's you're always texting first.
• 3:32
  Sometimes it's you're always the one who's planning everything.
• 3:35
  If you're married, sometimes it looks like you're the one managing the entire family calendar, including your husband's calendar.
• 3:41
  You're the one who's remembering everything.
• 3:43
  You're the one barking orders to everyone and managing everything around you all the time while you feel like your husband, becomes more passive.
• 3:51
  So a lot of times it's not even obvious.
• 3:54
  A lot of times it's tiny, subtle little things that we do because it's a bad habit.
• 3:59
  And the reason why many of us picked up this habit, number one, many of us have been fed a false version of femininity that requires a lot of self-abandonment and self-sacrifice, so that's why some of you fall into that.
• 4:13
  Others of you fall into that because you're, you're not into the self-sacrifice and self-abandonment wounded maiden, completely submissive wife version of things.
• 4:23
  So you move to the next stage, which I call the awakening warrior.
• 4:26
  The awakening warrior is trying to move away from the wounded maiden version of femininity.
• 4:31
  The problem is that the awakening warrior usually has a belief that love needs to be earned or that she needs to be in control of everything or that she needs to manage everything because she is not supported.
• 4:43
  She's usually the woman who believes that,"If I don't do it, it's not gonna get done." Or she's the woman who is protecting herself from getting too involved in intimacy.
• 4:52
  That was me, okay?
• 4:53
  I was the awakening warrior.
• 4:54
  If you're there, I see you.
• 4:56
  I promise you, you can overcome this.
• 4:58
  I promise.
• 4:59
  So a lot of times what happens is that you are constantly making your, this man's life easier.
• 5:04
  And in you constantly making his life easier so he doesn't have to worry about anything, you're over-functioning, and one of two things happens.
• 5:12
  So if you're already in a relationship, you become more like his mother, right?
• 5:16
  And then the sexy time goes away because nobody wants to sleep with their family members.
• 5:20
  And the second thing that happens is, let's say you're dating, you tend to attract the more feminine men.
• 5:26
  You tend to attract the more passive men.
• 5:27
  You tend to attract the men who are emotionally unavailable.
• 5:30
  You tend to attract the men who ask you for money.
• 5:33
  I recently got an email from one of you who said,"I'm tired of men asking me for money." Well, girl, stop over-functioning, because that is what attracts men who are always asking you for money Now the main thing that we need to address when it comes to the habit of over-functioning is what over-functioning allows us.
• 5:50
  So oftentimes to an over-functioning woman, the reason why we over-function, and I say we, number one, because I am a woman, and number two, I lived here for a very long time, and sometimes she will rear her ugly head, so the reason why we want to over-function or have the habit of over-functioning is because we want control We want control.
• 6:13
  And overfunctioning is the way that we get the control, um, and kind of manipulate the control.
• 6:18
  If we're being honest about it, it's us trying to manipulate in order to have control.
• 6:22
  And oftentimes, we do not trust the people that are around us.
• 6:27
  I know I have this happen, uh, in my...
• 6:29
  I call it my previous life, right?
• 6:31
  But, um, at a, in a chapter of my life when I was an overfunctioner, um, particularly in business, I was an overfunctioner, and let me tell you, I was making a lot of money when I was an overfunctioner in business, but it was coming at a very, very high cost, namely my health and my relationships.
• 6:49
  But if I'm being very honest, the reason why I was an overfunctioner in business was because I didn't, I didn't trust the people around me to actually pick up the slack and take care of me and support me and do their damn job.
• 7:00
  I did not trust them to do that.
• 7:02
  I did not trust that people were there for me.
• 7:04
  I grew up in an environment where I was raised by overfunctioning awakening warrior women, and I was just repeating the pattern.
• 7:13
  The other reason why I wanted control is because, like many of you, um, I experienced heartbreak, and I realized,"Nope, nope, never gonna let that happen again," right?
• 7:23
  Or I got some story in my mind that relationships were a liability.
• 7:28
  Right now, relationship with the wrong man is a liability, but I threw the baby out with the bathwater, which is what a lot of us do, especially when we're younger.
• 7:37
  And I was like,"Well, relationships, period, are a liability, so I must protect myself from relationships, and the way that I protect myself from my relationships is by being in control." The irony here is that if you take that control to your relationships, it doesn't work.
• 7:51
  You end up attracting passive men or, um, if, if you take that into, let's say you've been in a relationship for a long time and then you start overfunctioning, he will start becoming more passive, over time, and then before you know it, the spark is gone.
• 8:05
  A lot of you are like,"How do I get the spark back?
• 8:07
  How do I maintain long-term attraction?
• 8:09
  My husband doesn't pursue me anymore." Well, look at yourself, girl.
• 8:12
  Where are you overfunctioning and trying to control?
• 8:15
  So that's more of the awakening warriors.
• 8:17
  Now, with the wounded maidens, the control is different.
• 8:20
  So with the wounded maiden, she believes she's, like, the victim of everybody around her.
• 8:24
  She may not consciously know that, but that is what is going on.
• 8:27
  And her form of control is people-pleasing.
• 8:29
  Her form of control is, doing everything, and she will put up with a lot of crap.
• 8:34
  The wounded will...
• 8:35
  Both will put up with a lot of crap, but the, the wounded maiden usually doesn't have any options because she hasn't built herself any options, so she will overfunction to try and maintain a relationship because she has not built the strength to be able to take care of herself.
• 8:49
  With the awakening warrior, it's different.
• 8:51
  She has the strength to take care of herself, and usually she's maintaining control because she doesn't trust the people around her That's usually, the difference.
• 8:59
  So if I had to choose between a wounded maiden and an awakening warrior, I would much rather be an awakening warrior.
• 9:05
  But of course, you know, eventually we have to evolve out of that as well.
• 9:08
  That's just one stage in the evolution of the divine feminine.
• 9:12
  It's a necessary stage in the evolution of the divine feminine, but it's not where we're meant to stay.
• 9:17
  And if you are an over-functioning woman and you're in that habit, eventually you're gonna burn out, eventually you'll become resentful, eventually, you're gonna feel like you're unsupported, and eventually, you know, for some of you, many of you have already had the experience where the burnout is so bad that you have felt like you need to, burn your old life to the ground, which I know I've been there.
• 9:40
  I, I definitely did that to a degree right before I met my husband.
• 9:45
  So I understand that.
• 9:47
  And now you're getting to this other side of the conversation, which is like some of you have gotten to a point where, now you know better.
• 9:54
  You've gotten into conscious queen, and you're like,"I cannot function the way that I used to before.
• 9:59
  I cannot constantly be in control the, the way that I used to be.
• 10:01
  I don't have the energy to be in control the way that I used to be before.
• 10:06
  What's this new path forward?" Now, for those of you who've been asking,"Well, how do I get men to step up?" Here's what you need to understand.
• 10:13
  In order for men to step up, they need the space to do it.
• 10:15
  Now, if you're the one who's constantly over-functioning, there is no space to do it because you're taking up all the space.
• 10:21
  So this is where you hear a lot about learning how to lean back.
• 10:24
  This is where you hear a lot about learning how to become the observer.
• 10:27
  This is where you learn a lot about just, you know, letting other people help you and letting other people give to you.
• 10:34
  And in the beginning, it can feel very wonky.
• 10:36
  In the beginning, it can feel very awkward.
• 10:38
  In the beginning, it can bring up a lot of stuff around,"Wow, am I worthy of this?" In the beginning, it can bring up a lot of stuff of like,"Can I actually trust him to do this?" Those of you who are married, it'll bring up like,"Can I actually trust him to do this?" Well, why would you marry someone you didn't trust, right?
• 10:53
  So you gotta give him the benefit of the doubt until, up until he proves otherwise, right?
• 10:58
  So this is where you have to learn to let go a little bit, and you have to learn to surrender a little bit.
• 11:05
  And the thing is that to an over-functioning woman, that is probably one of the scariest things I could possibly tell her, and it was for me.
• 11:13
  Because when I was moving from awakening warrior to conscious queen, if you've been running your entire life feeling like you need to control everything or everything will fall apart, it takes some work to rewire that.
• 11:26
  It takes a lot of work to be able to rewire that.
• 11:30
  So some of you are experiencing that in relationships, and you're finding that you have to learn to lean back and let your man step up, and it's bringing up a lot of anxiety and a lot of things that you need to sort through yourself, within yourself.
• 11:42
  For example,"Why don't I trust him to step up?" For example, things like,"Why don't I think other people are there to support me?" Things like,"Why do I feel like life always has to be an effort?" These are some of the questions you might wanna start asking yourself, and some of you are starting to experience this in business.
• 11:57
  So some of you have decided to join my husband, in an online business training that he's going to be doing and you're experiencing this when it comes to money, because men and money are very similar.
• 12:07
  So you're experiencing like,"Wait a minute, I can't over-function, I can't control, I can't be in constant masculine energy like I was before.
• 12:14
  I burned out really bad.
• 12:15
  There's gotta be a new way of doing this." And there is.
• 12:18
  My husband and I have been coaching some of y'all in understanding what that looks like in terms of money.
• 12:24
  And in money, it might look like letting other people support you.
• 12:28
  In money, it might look like, for many of you that we've spoken to who are already in business, you've had to change your business model to something that will allow you to be able to rest more.
• 12:38
  So it applies to both men and money.
• 12:41
  The difference is that with money, when we're over-functioning, we think we're being rewarded for it.
• 12:46
  I know I did when I was making a lot of money, but again, it was coming at a very high cost.
• 12:51
  And in relationships, usually you don't really feel like you're being rewarded for it.
• 12:56
  It's quite the opposite.
• 12:58
  So in relationships, it's just more obvious that it's not working The other thing that a woman needs to learn how to do is get really good at receiving so the over-functioner sucks at receiving, and the reality is that the way that masculine men become bonded to a woman and fall in love with a woman is by investing in a woman, by giving to a woman, and by giving to a woman who's very good at receiving.
• 13:21
  The problem is the over-functioner is usually very bad at receiving, again, because she's the one who's been accustomed to doing everything for everybody else.
• 13:28
  I'm thinking of a family member right now, um, who is like this, and she recently had an accident.
• 13:35
  She's fine, but she's now being forced, because of an accident, to allow others to give to her, and it's proving to be a bit challenging.
• 13:44
  It's proving to be a bit difficult because she is an over-functioning woman.
• 13:49
  So for her, being able to receive In that way, um, you know, it's, it's bringing up a lot of stuff for her that she's needing, uh, to work through.
• 13:59
  She already feels bad enough that she, um, had an accident and needs to rehabilitate from the accident, and then now on top of that, she's being...
• 14:08
  She's, she's a woman who was used to solving everybody else's problems.
• 14:11
  Now she needs to allow people to give to her, and it's proving to be, um, a bit challenging for her, let's just put it that way.
• 14:19
  Um, but I, I'm sure she'll, she'll figure it out, and she will, um, get through it.
• 14:24
  So a lot of times women have to learn to receive.
• 14:27
  They have to learn to let other people support them.
• 14:29
  The way that I started rewiring this for myself was I did what I call the divine masculine energy experiment.
• 14:35
  When I met my husband, I'd been running this ex- experiment for four months.
• 14:39
  So what I did was that I allowed all the men that were around me to start giving to me, whether they wanted to solve a problem for me, whether they wanted to take me out, whether they wanted to fix my computer, whether they wanted to give me advice.
• 14:53
  Like, I didn't care.
• 14:54
  I just let them give to me in any capacity that they were available for.
• 14:59
  And then within four months, I met my husband.
• 15:02
  And what that did is that it slowly started rewiring my nervous system that number one, other people were there to support me, and number two, that men were there to support me and to give to me.
• 15:13
  And that was revolutionary, right?
• 15:16
  In me being able to re-pattern my nervous system.
• 15:19
  Now it's a little bit different.
• 15:20
  Now what I'm dealing with, which many of you may also struggle with this, is letting my life get better and better and better and better.
• 15:27
  Because I grew up with the story that life couldn't get too good.
• 15:30
  The minute life started getting good, here comes chaos.
• 15:33
  That was the pattern that was in my family, and I realized that I too was living that pattern as an adult.
• 15:41
  So now my work becomes can I get better at receiving?
• 15:44
  Can I receive more from my husband?
• 15:46
  Can I receive more from this community?
• 15:48
  Can I receive more money?
• 15:50
  Can I receive more sales?
• 15:51
  Can I, uh, have more vitality?
• 15:53
  Can I be more vibrant?
• 15:55
  Can I receive more recognition?
• 15:57
  Can I receive more visibility?
• 15:59
  Can I allow more and more people to support me and give to me?
• 16:02
  That's the lesson, and that's the exercise that I'm experiencing now as more of a magnetic empress.
• 16:08
  But before you get to that space where it's like,"Life is good, now I need to let myself receive more," you have to get yourself first to the point where you will let yourself receive, period.
• 16:19
  And when people start giving to you, as I mentioned, you're going to feel uncomfortable, and you're going to have to work through a lot of the limiting beliefs that you have around receiving Limiting beliefs like I feel guilty.
• 16:29
  Limiting beliefs like I didn't earn this.
• 16:31
  Limiting beliefs like I don't deserve this.
• 16:33
  Limiting beliefs like immediately wanting to reciprocate.
• 16:36
  Uh, limiting beliefs like I need to restore the power balance, let me, let me give back right now.
• 16:41
  Limiting beliefs like this makes me a weak person.
• 16:44
  That's all the stuff that comes up in the head of an over-functioner when she starts letting people give to her.
• 16:50
  And your job in that moment is to work through those limiting beliefs and re-pattern your nervous system.
• 16:56
  And if you need help doing that, then make sure to check out our Magnetic Woman Transformation training,'cause it, it's my best nervous system regulation training to date.
• 17:05
  And it covers both love and money, for those who've been asking.
• 17:08
  So I will leave the link below and leave a QR code here as well And finally, what this woman needs to learn how to do is become the center of gravity of her own life again so oftentimes, these types of women need to learn how to give to themselves.
• 17:20
  So it's not just letting other people give to them, there's also a lesson here about you nourishing yourself, because many of you are resentful as hell.
• 17:28
  And normally when you become resentful, it's because there hasn't been enough reciprocity from other people, and also you haven't given enough to yourself.
• 17:37
  So an exercise that you can do is every single day do things that bring you pleasure and joy.
• 17:43
  And don't do this thing that a lot of us have done where it's like, well, you can have the pleasure and joy after you've worked, after you've over-functioned, after you've given to everyone else, and after you've managed and fixed everybody else's problems.
• 17:54
  No, no, no, no, no, ma'am.
• 17:56
  You need to start learning how to put yourself first and your own pleasure first.
• 18:00
  So for example, for me, first thing in the morning, meditation and yoga.
• 18:04
  This YouTube channel started as a creative project.
• 18:07
  Now it makes money, but that's not how it started.
• 18:09
  It was a creative project.
• 18:11
  It brings me a lot of joy.
• 18:12
  I love doing this project.
• 18:14
  I love engaging with you.
• 18:15
  I love creating this kind of content.
• 18:17
  I love being creative, and I love empowering women.
• 18:20
  So that's a way in which I nourish myself.
• 18:22
  Very different from what I used to b- do before, which was like, you know, I would pick businesses because I knew they would make money Right?
• 18:30
  It's a little bit different when it's more, um, of a purpose, right?
• 18:35
  Or for example, you can't see it here, but in front of me, we have our at home, uh, steam room, right?
• 18:41
  It's like a portable steam room.
• 18:42
  So I will go in there to relax.
• 18:44
  I will read good books.
• 18:46
  I just ordered beautiful candles to have in the house because it brings me joy and pleasure to do that.
• 18:53
  Um, my rituals will do that.
• 18:55
  My, my witchy rituals give me a lot of joy and pleasure and nourishment.
• 18:59
  And oftentimes what happens with the over-functioner is she's always putting herself last, and she's not catering to her own needs or her own pleasure.
• 19:07
  So that's another place that you can get started in order to start shifting this energy So in closing, overgiving, overdelivering, and overfunctioning oftentimes looks like love because that's what you've been taught love is, but that is the false feminine.
• 19:22
  The feminine is all about receiving, and if you want to attract masculine men or if you want to restore the polarity in your relationship where your husband starts to step up, then a lot of this has to do with you stopping the bad habit of overfunctioning and overdelivering and starting to consciously change that dynamic and starting to consciously change your relationship with receiving, and then let other people do what they may.
• 19:50
  But many of you are going to notice that life does start to get a little bit easier.
• 19:54
  Some of you may notice that your husband does finally start to step up.
• 19:57
  Others of you may realize you shouldn't have married that man.
• 20:00
  That is a reality, and I'm just gonna say that.
• 20:02
  Others of you will start realizing if you're dating that the passive men fall away, the healthier men start to step up.
• 20:09
  Others of you may experience this with money first, right?
• 20:12
  Where you're gonna realize,"Oh, okay, well, I used to make money in this way, but now I found this other more easeful, pleasurable way of making money." And many of you are just going to start building a better relationship with yourself which is really the key here and really the goal because when you have a good relationship and a healthy relationship with yourself, then it naturally attracts healthier partners.
• 20:34
  So I hope this gave you a lot of food for thought.
• 20:37
  Let me know in the comments which was your biggest aha moment.
• 20:40
  If you liked this video, go ahead and give it a thumbs up.
• 20:43
  Make sure to share it with a girlfriend, subscribe, hit the notification bell, and I will catch you on the next one.